Capitol Punishment

Ever since I've started watching wrestling again a couple years ago after about 20 years of not watching, and indeed, looking down my nose at it, there have been three WWE events in D.C. The Survivor Series, an episode of Monday Night Raw and a house show. The first two were great. The third, not so much. It had its charms--it seemed less scripted and the wrestlers weren't quite as militant about maintaining kayfabe (at one point, Maryse broke character and burst out laughing because the ref pinched her ass or something)--but if I'm going to shell out money to go see a show, I need the bells and whistles of a televised broadcast.

Still, when the WWE announced last winter that there'd be another pay-per-view in D.C., I wasn't going to go. Originally, it was advertised as Fatal 4-Way, where each match would consist of four wrestlers against one another. The concept sounded awful, and definitely not worth spending money to go see. Evidently, the WWE came to the same conclusion, so a couple of months ago, they changed it to Capitol Punishment.

A D.C.-themed WWE event? Sold!

-- By far, the weirdest part of going to a WWE show is seeing grown men carrying championship belts. Most are just plastic replicas, but some are really expensive custom made ones that are actually made out of metal and leather. For me, this phenomenon falls into the same category as costume contents at comic book conventions: I don't get it. I don't really approve of it. But it is what it is.

As I walked through the Verizon Center concourse before the show, I actually thought about doing a post consisting of nothing but funny pictures of guys walking around with belts slung over their shoulders. Then an odd thing happened: I didn't see very many of them. Sure, there were a few, but not nearly as many as I've seen in the past.

-- There was no Divas match, which was great. When you think about it, it's actually kind of amazing that the WWE has somehow managed to make drop-dead gorgeous women fighting and groping each other into such a dull exercise.

-- At one point, the Bella Twins' entrance music started playing, and I thought maybe there was going to be a Divas match after all. But no, they weren't wrestling. Apparently, Keystone Light was a Capitol Punishment sponsor, so they came out along with...wait for it...freaking Keith Stone!

Keith Stone! Totally in character, carrying his trademark Keystone Light, which he and the Bellas enjoyed (or at least, pretended to enjoy; I haven't heard good things) when they sat ringside. In between matches, more people in that section wanted their picture taken with him than the Bella Twins.

So I've now seen Keith Stone and the Geico Caveman at D.C. sporting events. If I ever run into that Progressive Insurance chick, I win pitchman bingo.

-- They hired an Obama impersonator to do some really just awful shtick. I'm pretty sure it was the same one who was thrown out of that GOP event last week for making fun of the Republican presidential candidates. I'm trying not to think about how much money that guy must make. It would just make me angry.

-- The matches were actually pretty good, up until the end. The Miz vs. Alex Reilly was both my favorite and least favorite. It was a great match, but it's annoying to see The Miz go from WWE Champion to jobber within a matter of weeks. The WWE is really lousy at figuring out what to do with ex-champions not named John Cena once they've lost the belt. Maybe The Miz and Sheamus can form a tag team. Or in the very least, a support group.

I didn't really think they were going to let R-Truth beat Cena, but I was hoping. Ever since his heel turn, R-Truth has been awesome. So needless to say, the stupid way the match ended--a kid planted in the audience threw his soda in R-Truth's face, distracting him just long enough for Cena to get the win--was not the best way the night could have ended.

-- After it was over, we were exiting the Verizon Center when I saw a douchebag and his friend harassing some little kids who were wearing Cena shirts. "Why do you like John Cena?" the guy demanded, as he towered over them. Luckily, there was a security guard nearby, and he promptly threw them out of the building. Which wasn't that big of a deal, since everyone was leaving, but it was still the right thing to do.

Outside, the guy and his friend (who was wearing an Ultimate Warrior wig and stalked around huffing and puffing, just like the Warrior would do) kept it up, actually getting into the face of a guy in a military uniform who just stood there stoically.

Another security guard came up and told him to knock it off or else. Suddenly faced with the prospect of spending the night in jail dressed in that outfit, he and his friend hightailed it out of there.

And you know, I get what he was doing. It was just kayfabe, and he was simply getting into the spirit of the evening, playing the heel role. And his retarded friend was just...well, I'm not sure what he was doing. But for Christ's sake, leave kids out of it, huh? They're not going to know what you're doing. Assholes.

So, Capitol Punishment was a rousing success, completely selling out. Now, when does D.C. get a WrestleMania?