Five things I learned at today's Phillies/Nats game

1) Roy Halladay is mortal. We were surrounded by Phillies fans in our section, and each home run the Nationals scored stunned them. Like, actual moans of pain, getting progressively worse with each one. It was like what people in Metropolis must have felt the first time they saw someone use Kryptonite against Superman.

Not only is he mortal, but even though the Nationals lost, he made them look pretty good. So here's what I don't get: If the Nationals can homer three times off of arguably the best pitcher in baseball, why the hell aren't they homering a dozen times a game off the dregs of the National League?

2) Phillies fans really hate Jayson Werth. I get this to an extent. I understand booing. That's almost mandatory. But the chants of "Jayson. Jayson. Jayson," and "Werth-less"? Come on. The man left Philly for $126 million. There isn't a Phillies fan in the world who, for that kind of cash, wouldn't not only decamp for D.C. in a heartbeat, but also get the Nationals logo tattooed across his or her chest.

3) Global warming is real. It was hot as fuck. I saw more bottles of water poured over heads than consumed. There was enough collective sweat at the ballpark to fill every public pool in D.C. The Metro ride home was completely packed with wet people. It was actually more traumatic than the game itself.

4) MLB really needs to crack down on All-Star ballot stuffing promotions. Before the game on the JumboTron, they listed all the prizes you could get by turning in All-Star ballots (presumably ones voting for Nationals players). I forget exactly what they were, but one ballot gets you some worthless trinket, 100 gets you a Pudge Rodriguez bobblehead, and so on, up to 10,000 ballots, which gets you on the field during batting practice or something.

At one point, I saw a 30-person deep line in front of the table where you could pick up ballots and thought, "Hey, good for Nats fans! Sure, it's bribery. But it's also team spirit." Then I realized the water fountain was next to the table, and that's what people were lined up for. Did I mention it was hot as fuck? Because it was.

So I question the value of ballots that are bought and paid for, and so should MLB. On the other hand, I do kind of want that Pudge bobblehead.

5) Teddy will never win. At least not anytime soon.

I was wavering on whether or not I wanted to go to the game today. On one hand, it's not like I ever really need my arm twisted to go to a Nationals game. And I do like seeing a great pitcher in action, regardless of what team he's on. On the other hand, it was against the Phillies, which means busloads of Phillies fans coming in and basically taking over the stadium, which is never fun. But when the Washington Post's Dan Steinberg theorized that today might, just might, be the day Teddy finally won? I was all in. Look, this is a team that isn't even close to contending. We have to take our landmark franchise moments as they come.

So anyway, you know that guy who claimed he saw signs the world was going to end on May 21? And all those people who bought into it and gave away all their worldly possessions and gathered together to await the apocalypse that never came? That's kind of what happened here, with Steinberg playing the role of that crazy guy, and me as the equally crazy, yet much sadder, person who was like, "Hell, yeah! This guy's onto something!" (I wasn't completely nuts. I went to the game with two friends, and wisely didn't speak of my hopes for Teddy. Because then I would have been the mad prophet, raving nonsense about Teddy finally winning.)

Obviously, he lost. Again. And the sad thing is, even at this point in the race:

I still thought it was in the bag, and that the monster lead Abe, George and Tom had was deliberate, just to make Teddy's eventual win that much more dramatic. Then Abe won. Or George. Or Tom. I dunno. I stopped paying attention at a certain point when reality hit. For all I know, the Pittsburgh Perogies parachuted in and stole the win. It doesn't matter.

But in the end, I'm fine with the result. Would Teddy winning have been cool to see? Sure. Would it have made Jayson Werth happy, resulting in his batting average doubling virtually overnight and sending the Nationals skyrocketing into first place in the division? Almost certainly. But I can't disagree with those who say Teddy should win only when the Nationals finally win the World Series. Or make the World Series. Or a playoff game. Or some important day in Nationals history. Not just a Memorial Day game played in front of a crowd of people who would just as soon vomit on Teddy as see him win.

So I'm glad Steinberg got this one wrong. And since it was either going to the Nationals game or sleeping in, then trying to finally finish Red Dead Redemption in my underwear with the AC cranked up, I think I made the right choice.