Last night was my first time watching the annual WWE Draft on Monday Night Raw. Of course, it's not really a "draft" in the traditional sense of the word. The WWE's two shows, Raw and SmackDown, basically just move people back and forth between the two while the assembled rosters of both shows' wrestlers are backstage, cheering or looking shocked, and pretending to give a damn whether Rey Mysterio appears on USA or Syfy each week. The draft didn't affect the vast majorities of either show's roster--after all, trading people like Yoshi Tatsu wouldn't be worth even the minimal effort it would take to update the WWE's website to reflect such a move--but there were a couple of surprising moments, and in the end, it was good, goofy fun, and aside from the half-hour I fell asleep on the couch, I greatly enjoyed it.
The NFL Draft is this week also. It's a decent bet that the Redskins will take a quarterback in the first round. Not even one of the top quarterbacks. Just whoever happens to be left over by the tenth pick. Or later, if they trade down. But who knows? According to a tweet I saw this week, Mike Shanahan is "intrigued" by a couple of the wide receiver prospects. Or he could take a nose tackle to compliment the 3-4 defense he's so insistent on. Or, in a moment of extreme indecision, he could call Vinny Cerrato for advice and end up taking a tight end.
There are a lot of reasons why no sane person in the Redskins organization (should one exist) look to the WWE for inspiration for draft day strategy. One's a sport, the other is sports entertainment. One is real, the other one is scripted. One features athletes with human being names like Tom Brady, Adrian Peterson and Julius Peppers, the other features athletes named Big Show, The Miz and Kelly Kelly. But given that there's no "must haves" in the draft this year, and given that no one, even local sports pundits, seem to agree on what needs the Redskins actually have, why not just write off 2011 as a wacky experiment and have fun by applying WWE logic to the draft?
Here's how:
1) Draft personality over skill
With its first two draft picks, SmackDown chose John Cena and Randy Orton, arguably the two most popular members of the Raw roster. Neither one is an especially exciting wrestler, but fans really dig their schtick, and that's why they keep winning championships. Sure, the Redskins could follow one of the two "conventional" draft strategies: Filling positions of need or taking the best player currently on the board. But instead, why not go for a character?
Let's be honest. It's not like the Redskins are going to be contenders anytime soon. In fact, under Dan Snyder, it's questionable whether the Redskins will be contenders ever again. After one or two more losing seasons, Snyder will fire Shanahan and Bruce Allen, and hire a new coach and GM who will likely just blow up the team again. So if we don't have a Super Bowl in our future, why not draft a player with a delightful personality, whose shenanigans will distract us even as the team finishes under .500 for the next ten consecutive seasons? Not Haynesworth-type shenanigans, mind you. To paraphrase Super Troopers, we need someone whose shenanigans are cheeky and fun, not cruel and tragic. Think about Clinton Portis's propensity for putting on costumes, and how much better the past few years would have been if he'd kept doing that instead of becoming a whiny diva.
2) Think outside the box. Like, way outside.
Except for one, all the picks last night made sense on some level, as the wrestlers drafted from one brand to another were either popular with fans (Cena, Orton), fun to watch in the ring (Big Show, Rey Mysterio, Sin Cara), or deserving of a promotion from SmackDown to Raw (Alberto Del Rio). The one that didn't make sense was Mark Henry.
Being a very large man even by WWE standards and having no tangible assests aside from that, Mark Henry basically serves one purpose: To be beaten by up-and-coming wrestlers, thus proving that they're capable of defeating a very large man and should be taken as legit threats. So there's really no reason why they'd bother sending him from Raw to SmackDown, except maybe that The Great Kali serves more or less the same purpose he does, and so it made sense to move Henry to SmackDown and also give that brand's up-and-coming wrestlers the chance to beat him up.
But in the absurd context of the WWE Draft, where we're supposed to play along and pretend the whole thing is real and that it's all about each brand attempting to strengthen itself, it was a surprising pick given that there were roughly 40 other Superstars and Divas to pick from on Raw, and therefore, roughly 40 better options than Mark Henry. The Redskins could do something similar. If there isn't a good quarterback to take, and none of the other options really jump out at Shanahan, do something unpredictable and crazy.
Take a running back from a Division III school that no one's ever heard of, and who may not have even bothered declaring for the draft. but who has lots of heart and pluck.
Draft a kicker and count on the fact that being the first ever kicker taken in the first round will pressure him to become the best kicker in the history of the NFL. Where he's making, like 70-yard field goals on a regular basis. Frankly, it all seems so simple, I don't see how this plan could fail.
Hell, just draft Mark Henry. The dude may not be a great wrestler, but he is fucking huge and can probably contribute to the offensive line.
3) Don't let a little thing like another team drafting the player you want, get in the way
The first pick of the WWE Draft saw John Cena going from Raw to SmackDown. As Cena happily put on his new Team SmackDown shirt, fans were shocked. Was the WWE really going to send its biggest star, its most popular wrestler, its biggest cash cow, from its premiere brand to its...I mean, I don't want to use the word "ghetto," but, well...
As it turned out, the answer was, "No. What are you, retarded?" Because with the last pick of the WWE Draft, Raw stole Cena back from SmackDown! If the whole thing wasn't fixed, you undoubtedly would have seen a palpable look of relief on Cena's face, as he realized he wouldn't be slumming it with the likes of Drew McIntyre and Kofi Kingston on Friday nights on Syfy, after all.
So if the Redskins want, say, Cam Newton or Blaine Gabbert, but other teams beat them to it, no big deal. Just draft him anyway. Sure, the other team will likely object, and maybe attempt to cite rules that say once a player has been drafted, another team can't swoop in and steal him. But I would ask, is there actually such a rule? Or is it more of an understanding among gentlemen? And even if there are rules to that effect, once Newton or Gabbert have had some time to contemplate whether he'd be happier in Charlotte or Buffalo or wherever, or a vibrant football city like D.C., where Dan Snyder is anxious for the opportunity to throw millions of dollars at him, he'll soon get word to his agent that it's suddenly his lifelong dream to be a Washington Redskin and refuses to play for Charlotte or Buffalo or wherever, and the two teams will just have to work something out.
The NFL Draft is this week also. It's a decent bet that the Redskins will take a quarterback in the first round. Not even one of the top quarterbacks. Just whoever happens to be left over by the tenth pick. Or later, if they trade down. But who knows? According to a tweet I saw this week, Mike Shanahan is "intrigued" by a couple of the wide receiver prospects. Or he could take a nose tackle to compliment the 3-4 defense he's so insistent on. Or, in a moment of extreme indecision, he could call Vinny Cerrato for advice and end up taking a tight end.
There are a lot of reasons why no sane person in the Redskins organization (should one exist) look to the WWE for inspiration for draft day strategy. One's a sport, the other is sports entertainment. One is real, the other one is scripted. One features athletes with human being names like Tom Brady, Adrian Peterson and Julius Peppers, the other features athletes named Big Show, The Miz and Kelly Kelly. But given that there's no "must haves" in the draft this year, and given that no one, even local sports pundits, seem to agree on what needs the Redskins actually have, why not just write off 2011 as a wacky experiment and have fun by applying WWE logic to the draft?
Here's how:
1) Draft personality over skill
With its first two draft picks, SmackDown chose John Cena and Randy Orton, arguably the two most popular members of the Raw roster. Neither one is an especially exciting wrestler, but fans really dig their schtick, and that's why they keep winning championships. Sure, the Redskins could follow one of the two "conventional" draft strategies: Filling positions of need or taking the best player currently on the board. But instead, why not go for a character?
Let's be honest. It's not like the Redskins are going to be contenders anytime soon. In fact, under Dan Snyder, it's questionable whether the Redskins will be contenders ever again. After one or two more losing seasons, Snyder will fire Shanahan and Bruce Allen, and hire a new coach and GM who will likely just blow up the team again. So if we don't have a Super Bowl in our future, why not draft a player with a delightful personality, whose shenanigans will distract us even as the team finishes under .500 for the next ten consecutive seasons? Not Haynesworth-type shenanigans, mind you. To paraphrase Super Troopers, we need someone whose shenanigans are cheeky and fun, not cruel and tragic. Think about Clinton Portis's propensity for putting on costumes, and how much better the past few years would have been if he'd kept doing that instead of becoming a whiny diva.
2) Think outside the box. Like, way outside.
Except for one, all the picks last night made sense on some level, as the wrestlers drafted from one brand to another were either popular with fans (Cena, Orton), fun to watch in the ring (Big Show, Rey Mysterio, Sin Cara), or deserving of a promotion from SmackDown to Raw (Alberto Del Rio). The one that didn't make sense was Mark Henry.
Being a very large man even by WWE standards and having no tangible assests aside from that, Mark Henry basically serves one purpose: To be beaten by up-and-coming wrestlers, thus proving that they're capable of defeating a very large man and should be taken as legit threats. So there's really no reason why they'd bother sending him from Raw to SmackDown, except maybe that The Great Kali serves more or less the same purpose he does, and so it made sense to move Henry to SmackDown and also give that brand's up-and-coming wrestlers the chance to beat him up.
But in the absurd context of the WWE Draft, where we're supposed to play along and pretend the whole thing is real and that it's all about each brand attempting to strengthen itself, it was a surprising pick given that there were roughly 40 other Superstars and Divas to pick from on Raw, and therefore, roughly 40 better options than Mark Henry. The Redskins could do something similar. If there isn't a good quarterback to take, and none of the other options really jump out at Shanahan, do something unpredictable and crazy.
Take a running back from a Division III school that no one's ever heard of, and who may not have even bothered declaring for the draft. but who has lots of heart and pluck.
Draft a kicker and count on the fact that being the first ever kicker taken in the first round will pressure him to become the best kicker in the history of the NFL. Where he's making, like 70-yard field goals on a regular basis. Frankly, it all seems so simple, I don't see how this plan could fail.
Hell, just draft Mark Henry. The dude may not be a great wrestler, but he is fucking huge and can probably contribute to the offensive line.
3) Don't let a little thing like another team drafting the player you want, get in the way
The first pick of the WWE Draft saw John Cena going from Raw to SmackDown. As Cena happily put on his new Team SmackDown shirt, fans were shocked. Was the WWE really going to send its biggest star, its most popular wrestler, its biggest cash cow, from its premiere brand to its...I mean, I don't want to use the word "ghetto," but, well...
As it turned out, the answer was, "No. What are you, retarded?" Because with the last pick of the WWE Draft, Raw stole Cena back from SmackDown! If the whole thing wasn't fixed, you undoubtedly would have seen a palpable look of relief on Cena's face, as he realized he wouldn't be slumming it with the likes of Drew McIntyre and Kofi Kingston on Friday nights on Syfy, after all.
So if the Redskins want, say, Cam Newton or Blaine Gabbert, but other teams beat them to it, no big deal. Just draft him anyway. Sure, the other team will likely object, and maybe attempt to cite rules that say once a player has been drafted, another team can't swoop in and steal him. But I would ask, is there actually such a rule? Or is it more of an understanding among gentlemen? And even if there are rules to that effect, once Newton or Gabbert have had some time to contemplate whether he'd be happier in Charlotte or Buffalo or wherever, or a vibrant football city like D.C., where Dan Snyder is anxious for the opportunity to throw millions of dollars at him, he'll soon get word to his agent that it's suddenly his lifelong dream to be a Washington Redskin and refuses to play for Charlotte or Buffalo or wherever, and the two teams will just have to work something out.
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