Panel of the Week

From Action Comics #891:

Jesus, not even Lee Majors pulled that off...

The doors opened on the Metro this morning, and people lined up to exit the train. And they could have, too, if some guy on the platform didn't step right in front of the open doors, blocking them from doing so.

He looked like he was in his late 50s/early 60s. Black, gray hair, little rat's tail in back. He held his hands up, palms facing the people on the train, and kept saying, "Get back. Get back. Get back," as he tried to step on board the train. At this point, it was too early to tell whether he was crazy or an asshole. But either way, it was pretty clear that wasn't going to let anyone off the train until he'd gotten on.

I felt bad for the man who was standing right in front of him, trying to exit, because he had a really lousy split-second decision to make: Does he let the guy get away with being a dick and acquiesce, or does he shove an older and quite possibly deranged guy out of his way? Ultimately, he chose to step aside and let him on the train. I'm not sure I would have made the same decision. In fact, I can pretty much guarantee that I would have lowered my shoulder and pushed right by him. So good for that passenger. He's a better person than I am.

Once the doors closed, the crazy guy started rambling, as crazy people on the Metro tend to do. And everyone else just sort of sat there, quiet and uncomfortable, as sane people tend to do while in the presence of a crazy person on the Metro.

Most of what he was saying was totally incoherent. You couldn't even make out his words, much less, understand the thought process behind them. This went on for several minutes, and most of it was total gibberish. But in a brief moment of lucidity, he did say something that I found totally fascinating.

He claimed to have slept with all three original Charlie's Angels.

And you know what? I think I believe him.

Before today, I would have bet good money that there wasn't a guy alive who could have made that claim. Even back in the 70s, when Hollywood was supposedly one big, nonstop orgy, it seems so unlikely. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure plenty of rich, famous guys tried. And if you add in all the later Angels, I have no doubt that there were men who slept with two, maybe even three Angels. (Although, if we're being honest, Cheryl Ladd alone > every other Angel combined, so quantity wouldn't have beat quality.) But the three original ones? The odds are just so against it.

But there was something in this guy's voice, a certain confidence, that makes me think he was telling the truth.

I mean, if you encounter enough crazy people on the Metro and listen to the nonsense that comes out of their mouths, the law of averages indicates that at least one of them is telling the truth about something. I choose to believe this guy about this. So if you're ever talking to someone and he or she wonders aloud who might have slept with Farrah Fawcett, Kate Jackson and Jaclyn Smith, the answer isn't Lee Majors, Ryan O'Neil or Aaron Spelling. You can just say that it was some crazy dude I saw on the Metro.

A couple of stops later, the doors opened and the guy was nice enough to hold one side of the doors open so everyone could get off, before he himself exited the train. Do Metro doors need to be held open? No, of course not. But it was still a nice gesture. And I just don't see how anyone who would do something like that would possibly lie about something like banging all the Charlie's Angels.

My love-hate relationship with Salt

Here are a few of the movies that Roger Ebert has given "only" 3 or 3 1/2 stars to over the years:

The Godfather Part II
The Lion King
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
The Silence of the Lambs
There Will Be Blood

This past weekend, he gave Salt four stars.

Now, as someone both with common sense and a habit of assigning letter grades to films on this blog, I understand how these sort of rating systems work. Roger Ebert obviously doesn't think that Salt is a better movie than The Godfather Part II. But still, because he's Roger Ebert, a four-star review carries serious weight. In fact, had it not been for those four stars I probably would have waited for the DVD instead of going to see it last Sunday.

Even with his review (which I actually didn't read before going to the movie, because Ebert has this really awful tendency of unintentionally giving important stuff away. It's especially bad when it comes to films he doesn't like. Some of his horror movie reviews might as well be point-by-point plot summaries) I wasn't expecting much. What I got was...honestly, I'm still working that out.

I mean, I liked the movie. I didn't love it, but it's a sold C+ action film. In the very least, it has a great cast, with Angelina Jolie, Liev Schreiber and Chiwetel Ejiofor. But the script was just maddeningly all over the place. A stupid summer action movie can get away with one, maybe two major plot holes without people noticing. Salt probably has a dozen of them. It's like, you know in movies about making movies, they often have stereotypes for characters, like the actor character asking, "But what's my motivation?" or for the writer character explaining to the director why something is important and shouldn't be changed?

None of that happened during the production of Salt. It's just one brainless twist after another. Even when a brainless twist isn't called for! Given a choice between the path of least resistance or taking just two lousy minutes to figure out even a halfway plausible explanation for something, the movie gleefully takes the path of least resistance every single time. And amazingly, it works.

But here's my list of everything that was driving me crazy while watching it, occasionally causing me to fidget in my seat and glance around to see if anyone else in the theater was as incredulous as I was at what the film was trying to get away with.

Spoilers follow...

-- Salt was turned into a Russian sleeper agent when she was a kid living in Russia. But when, exactly? While her parents were alive? I have to think they'd notice that their daughter's head was being filled with anti-American propaganda and secret plans to destroy the country. Right after they were killed in the car accident? How long between that, and when the guy from the American embassy showed up to take her home? A day? Maybe two? I know kids are impressionable, especially after a traumatic incident, but I'm pretty sure they're not that impressionable.

-- Isn't part of having a front company in downtown D.C. that if someone shows up and claims to know that it's really a CIA office, you don't confirm that he's right by bringing him to a high-tech interrogation room to be questined by CIA agents?

-- Salt later say she recognized Orlov as soon as she saw him in the interrogation room, and he obviously knew her. Wouldn't it have maybe made a lot more sense for him to not intentionally expose her as a Russian agent? How was his plan in any way helped by turning Salt into a fugitive? Winter said he talked him into it, but that conversation must have gone something like, "Hey, you know this great big Day X operation we've been working on for decades? Let's maybe screw up the whole thing by blowing Salt's cover! Why? I dunno. Just because. How about it?"

-- Why did Salt have so long to poke around her apartment before the feds showed up. And it was really convenient how they all ran inside the building without leaving anyone guarding the exit.

-- When Winter sees Salt making her escape from the building, why the hell did he shout, "Hey, everyone! It's Salt!" and give chase? He wanted her to get away.

-- I'm used to D.C. getting no respect when it comes to geography. So I'm not really all that bothered by Salt leaving her apartment on U Street, running a couple of blocks and ending up at the Archives-Memorial Station, which is two miles away. But it would have been nice to at least show her taking the train instead of just going down the Archives-Memorial escalator, sprinting through a really lovely underground promenade (Crystal City, maybe? It happened too fast for me to tell), and emerging at L'Enfant Plaza. I know Metro's really strict when it comes to filming on trains, but Jesus, just go shoot on the Vancouver subway for a week like every other movie production.

-- On the night before a state funeral, in which the U.S. president, the Russian president, and God knows how many dignitaries and VIPs will be attending, can you really get a hotel room overlooking the church? The Secret Service wouldn't have a problem with that?

-- The ease with which Salt takes out the Secret Service agents and proceeds to blow up the floor of the church with more precision than the entire Army Corp of Engineers is probably capable of, was dumb. Even for this movie.

-- An assassin has just killed the Russian president. (Or so everyone thinks, anyway.) They're really just going to put in in the back of an NYPD squad car and send it on its way?

-- How does she know how to find Orlov and his men? 30 years ago in Russia, Orlov told her exactly where his camp in New York would be?

-- We know Salt's a good fighter and a junior MacGyver who can make a rocket launcher out of a fire extinguisher. But I'm not sure how that translates into her being able to leap down an elevator shaft one floor at a time. There are only a handful of non-superpowered fictional characters I'd buy this sort of stunt from. James Bond. Jason Bourne. Batman. Not Evelyn Salt.

-- I saw the twist of Winter being another Russian sleeper coming a mile away. I'm guessing everyone did. To the film's credit, at least when he asked for a gun while in the bunker, the Secret Service agent didn't just stupidly hand him one. Other than not getting out of the way when Decker shot him, that guy was probably the smartest character in the film.

-- Man, that nuclear countdown clock was slow. How long was it holding at 99% loaded? (Also, I can't help but think that a lot of Republicans who were watching this film suddenly started rooting for the Russians when they found out Winter's plot involved nuking Muslim countries. There are a few moments where you wonder if Salt is good or evil, but this scene must have really confused them.)

-- The spider venom revelation, I didn't see coming, but this one actually elicited groans from the audience.

-- For a guy who was looking at being arrested and locked up forever the second the president woke up and told everyone what happened, Winter was oddly fine just hanging out in the White House, getting his really minor injuries tended to. I would have maybe made a beeline for the airport, but I guess Russian Spy School never covered that part.

-- And the movie ends with Salt running through the woods, determined to take out the other sleeper agents, perfectly setting up a potential sequel. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want them to make it. They'll have to work really hard to top the sheer absurdity of this one.

Comic-Con wrap-up

At the 2009 Comic-Con, Marvel blew everyone away by announcing that they'd acquired the rights to Marvelman. If you're not familiar with the character or its history, it's a little hard to explain why this was so exciting. I guess, imagine if the Nationals announced tomorrow that they'd signed Babe Ruth. It's far from a perfect analogy, and in the year since then, Marvel hasn't really done much with those rights. But at the time, it was a major fucking deal.

The 2010 Comic-Con didn't quite have anything that good. And what good stuff there was, was mainly limited to the film/TV side of things. But here are the things that caught my attention:

-- The character of Chloe from Smallville is being written into the Superman comics. See what I mean about this year not having much in the way of news? This was actually considered a huge announcement. And unless you care about vintage Mickey Mouse comics being reprinted or a new Kull series, that's really about it.

-- Will Eisner's A Contract With God is being made into a film. The most depressing film ever made.

-- Grant Morrison is launching yet another new Batman series: Batman, Inc. I love the title. I have no idea what it might refer to. What I do know is that this brings DC's number of titles each month featuring Batman or Batman-related characters to roughly a thousand. Okay, a thousand is a bit of an exaggeration. More like 983. Maybe Batman, Inc. is about the department at DC Comics that keeps churning these titles out to make an easy buck.

-- The Walking Dead trailer looks incredible. I picked up Volume 12 over the weekend, and if the show sticks even somewhat close to the comic, this is going to be a great TV series. (About five years ago, I was at the Baltimore Comic-Con and Robert Kirkman was sitting all alone at his table. I bought the first volumes of The Walking Dead and Invincible from him, and got them autographed. I'm guessing the line would be a lot longer now.)

-- I avoid MMORPGs like the plague, given the time and money commitment involved. I barely play my Xbox. So the idea of keeping up with a game that requires constant attention is a bit off putting. But man, this looks good.

-- If I was Ryan Reynolds and I was at Comic-Con and I was asked to recite the Green Lantern oath, I would have probably said, "Screw you, nerds," and gone off to have sex with Scarlett Johansson or stand in front of a mirror admiring my abs. So the fact that he was willing to stand up and do it was actually pretty cool. I hope they're doing something about that costume, though.

-- The big news about the rumored Wonder Woman film is that there was no news. People were apparently expecting an announcement, but there was nothing. I think WB knows it'd be a flop. Just picture yourself going to the movie theater and asking, "Hi, can I get two tickets for Wonder Woman?" I think most people would wait for the DVD, if not skip it altogether.

-- Marvel doing something with the CrossGen characters isn't exactly Marvelman big, but it's still kind of interesting. The only CrossGen series I really enjoyed was Ruse, and the main reason I didn't warm to the others was because of the sigil/shared universe nonsense, which totally undermined the entire point of doing all these comics in different genres. Hopefully, Marvel will fix CrossGen's mistakes.

-- The whole cast for The Avengers was announced.

I love Jeremy Renner as Hawkeye. But Mark Ruffalo, just like Eric Bana, seems a bit too good-looking to play Bruce Banner. I really wish they'd been able to work things out with Ed Norton.

-- Finally, someone got stabbed in the eye in a dispute over a seat at a panel. It was shocking, but frankly, I'm surprised it took this long. All those people in such a limited space with such strong opinions on controversial issues like DC vs. Marvel? Wars vs. Trek? Old Galactica vs. new Galactica? By all rights, stabbings should be a yearly occurrence at Comic-Con.

Summer Movie Scorecard

Have Seen:

Toy Story 3: A
Inception: A-
The A-Team: B+
Survival of the Dead: B+
Iron Man 2: B+
Predators: B
MacGruber: B-
Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time: C
Knight and Day: D+
Jonah Hex: F

Definitely Seeing:

The Other Guys
Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
The Expendables
Piranha 3-D
The Last Exorcism

Might See:

Salt
Get Low
Dinner for Schmucks
Middle Men
I Love You Phillip Morris
Machete

Panel of the Week

From Neonomicon #1:

Blogroll

It'd be nice if there was a magic internet genie who let you know whenever someone new links to you. Unfortunately, I just have Statcounter, which only records the last 100 page views if you use the free version. I know I've seen a couple of blogs that I didn't recognize show up as incoming links, but by the time it occurred to me to write them down, they've scrolled off the list. In other words, if I haven't linked back to you, it's nothing personal. I'm just really, really fucking lazy.

At the same time, I've noticed that I need to do some blogroll cleaning, since a few of the blogs I link to are no longer publishing and should probably be removed.

So if you have a blog and link to me, or if you have a blog and would like to trade links, let me know, so I can add you to the blogroll. Not that it'll be any huge source of traffic, but I always felt that if you're a casual blogger and someone links to you, the polite thing to do is to return the favor. I once saw a blog post where the writer started off by begging for links, but then in the next paragraph, explained that he couldn't do likewise because didn't believe in having a blogroll himself, as he thought it cluttered up his site. Which was, of course, a dick move. If you have Blogger or Wordpress in your URL, you shouldn't take yourself so seriously.

Anyway, you can send me your blog address at dcublog@gmail.com or through Twitter. Or I guess if I already link to you, but you've recently decided you hate me and would like me to take you off my blogroll, you could let me know that, too. Or if you don't even have a blog, you can also just send me nude photos of yourself. Unless you're really, really hot or really, really hideous, I promise I won't publish them. But since, statistically speaking, you're probably just average, there wouldn't be much of a point. No one goes on the internet to see average-looking people naked. That'd just be weird.

Hogs

On both sides of Timmons sat riders referred to on commuter Web sites as "seat hogs." A man and woman occupied aisle seats with empty spots beside them but made no move to slide over and offer Timmons a seat.

"There is a self-centeredness about it. 'My space is more important than you,' " said Timmons, 37, a lawyer from the District. "It's epidemic" and reflects a lack of etiquette in Washington, said Timmons, who grew up in Vinita, Okla., population 6,000, where she said gentility prevailed.

As Washington's public transit network grows more congested, with Metro projecting "unmanageable" levels of saturation on its rail system by 2020, the phenomenon of people taking up more than their share of space is becoming increasingly touchy. (Washington Post)

One day last week, I was having a really bad day. Like, really bad. Boarding the Metro after work during the evening rush hour, there was a woman sitting on the train, with the last empty seat in the car next to her. Well, almost empty. Because on that seat was a really small shopping bag that she'd placed there.

Since I was already in a foul mood, this didn't do much to improve it. Like the people quoted in the article, Metro seat hogs are also a major pet peeve of mine. I mean, it's one thing to put a large bag on the seat if it's really heavy or can't fit in your lap. But something that small? Come on. Talk about hoggish.

So I pretended that I didn't see the bag, walked up to the seat, and slowly started to sit down right on top of it. The woman saw me, let out a small yelp, and quickly snatched the bag before my ass could crush whatever was inside of it. "Oh, sorry," I said. "I didn't see it there." She seemed slightly annoyed by my carelessness, but also at least seemed to recognize that she, too, had been in the wrong by taking up a whole seat with the bag. So I got my small measure of petty satisfaction.

For the record, I wasn't really going to sit on the bag. If she hadn't grabbed it, I would have "noticed it" at the last second, and asked her to move it.

As the ride went on, though, I grudgingly decided that I'd been more in the wrong than she was. Should she have had the bag in the seat during rush hour? No. Should I have just asked her to move it, instead of being a dick? Yeah, probably. And if I hadn't been having such a bad day and looking for someone to take it out on, I would have.

And what made me come to that conclusion was the realization that this situation wasn't too far removed from another ongoing Metro etiquette debate. The one about why people on the Metro won't give up their seats for the elderly/pregnant/handicapped/whatever. My response to that has always been, "Well, if you're elderly/pregnant/handicapped/whatever, and someone's in a priority seat, just ask them to move."

But for some reason, people don't feel they should have to do that. There's a sense that people in those seats should constantly be monitoring their surroundings to see if there's anyone who needs the seat more than they do. And in a perfect world, maybe they would be. But in the real world, people get lost in their thoughts, engrossed in a book, or are playing Bejeweled on their iPhone. They're usually not making a conscious decision to deny a elderly/pregnant/handicapped/whatever person a seat. They're usually just not paying attention. Which is hardly the worst crime one can be guilty of.

Similarly, it seems like a lot of the disgruntled people in the article could have lowered their blood pressure simply by asking people in aisle seats to let them into the window seats, or asking people with bags on the seats to move them. So what if they get annoyed? Annoying people on the Metro who deserve it is fun. Sure, you should make sure it's not someone who's likely to assault you. But otherwise, go nuts.

While I'm on the subject, there is a new form of irritating Metro behavior that I've encountered a couple of times recently, and I'm afraid it's starting to be a trend. And that is, passengers attempting to take your space when you're standing up on the train.

Last month, I was riding the Orange Line, standing right next to the doors. I knew I'd be fine for the next two stops (Farragut West and McPherson Square), because the platforms for those stations were on the opposite side of the train. Then this guy came up and said, "Excuse me," and gestured that he wanted to get past me.

I glanced backwards, thinking that maybe I'd dozed off or was suffering from blackouts, and we'd already passed those two stations, and he was trying to get off the train at Metro Center. But no, we were just then pulling into Farragut West.

"It's on that side," I said, nodding towards the platform.

"Oh, yeah," he said. "I just want to get in there for when my stop comes up."

Since I was pretty sure that by "in there," he didn't mean he wanted to occupy the approximately two inches of space between me and the door, I realized that he was asking me to move so that he could be right next to the doors when they opened. Caught between not wanting to get into an argument, but also not wanting to oblige this stupid request, I turned sideways a bit, sort of allowing him in there. So it was me, him, and some other guy, crammed into that small space by the doors until we pulled into Metro Center. In retrospect, I wish I'd just refused.

I did refuse the next time something like this happened a couple of weeks later. Morning rush hour. Crowded train. Everyone was packed together, except there was this small pocket of space next to me. It wasn't much, but it at least allowed me enough room to hold my book up so I could read it. A woman standing near me--who, I should point out, already had more freedom of movement than a lot of passengers--noticed this and decided that she wanted that space for herself. But since she couldn't get by me, her only option was to push me into that empty space, freeing up the spot I was currently standing in.

"Sir?" she asked. (At least she was polite in her rudeness.) "Can I get you to...?" And at this point, she actually put her hands on my arms and attempted to physically guide me over into the crowd of people a couple of feet away.

I let her for a second, at first, thinking that maybe she was trying to get by me so she could get off the train at the next stop or something. Then I finally realized what she was doing, trying to move me over so that I'd have no extra space and she'd have it all.

I put the brakes on really fast. I stopped, backed up to where I'd been standing previously, said, "No, I'm good," and went back to my book. She didn't put up a fight, so I took that to mean that she knew she'd been in the wrong.

So I guess everything can be summed up into this: If someone's sitting, it's never not okay to ask them to move so you can get access to the empty seat next to them. If someone's standing, it's never not not okay to ask them to move, simply so you can occupy the space they're in.

But really, I expect these minor etiquette issues will all work themselves out in a few years, when D.C.'s gun laws have been so further watered down that it'll be legal to carry firearms onto the Metro. After the first several shootings following people being rude, we'll all be so afraid of each other, we'll constantly be on our best behavior, and the only ones who habitually misbehave will be tourists. Like these French teenagers I saw a few summers ago, who had taken their flip flops off and were lounging around, with their filthy, French feet resting on the seats, and everyone was just looking at them in complete disgust.

Oh, if we'd been carrying firearms that day...

Panel of the Week

From Comic Book Guy: The Comic Book #1:

Ten Worst Comic-Con Exclusives

(Also see the Ten Best Comic-Con Exclusives.)

Obviously, any best/worst of list is totally subjective. I'm sure everything on this one is something that at least one person going to the con is practically salivating to get. Actually, given that these are comic book nerds, forget "practically." Literally salivating.

But there's also a ton of crap being offered, and while a lot of it doesn't seem worth owning, this is the crap that I personally would be least interested in having.

10) Thundercats Lion-O polyresin statue - $60

I'm going to level with you: I don't understand the fascination my whole generation of geeks has with the fucking Thundercats. It was not a good cartoon. Nor was it a good toy line. And the dude belly shirt reminds us that not everything about the 80s was radical.

9) Star Wars Stormtrooper –12” Jumbo Vintage Kenner Figure - $85

Normally, you can't go wrong combining "Star Wars" and "vintage." I guess "jumbo" never hurts, either. But who'd want a jumbo version of a boring Stormtrooper? Aren't there, like, a hundred Star Wars characters that would have been better choices? And $85?!? Lucas, if you really think fanboys are going to pay that much for some random Star Wars crap, you...well, I guess you're probably right. But you shouldn't be proud of it.

8) Lost Claire Littleton Bobblehead - $15

I can't really think of any Lost character I'd especially want a bobblehead of. Maybe Hurley. But I know I definitely wouldn't want a Claire bobblehead. In the very least, they couldn't have given her the crazy eyes and have her aiming the rifle at someone, which is how she spent most of the last season?

7) Saloon Leia from Jonah Hex - $150

I'm not going to say that this isn't really nice looking. In fact, it's so nice looking, that I'm willing to bet that as nerds retire to their hotel rooms at the end of the day, these things will get more action than the real girls attending Comic-Con. But I'm still pissed off about that stupid movie, and I don't appreciate it being celebrated, even in doll form.

6) Red Hulk Bust Bank - $15

I'll give a pass to anyone under 10 who wants this. But if you're an adult--or even a somewhat together teenager--you really shouldn't be using a plastic bank for your coins.

5) Peanuts 2010 Exclusive, Limited Edition View-Master - $20

I like 80s nostalgia as much as the next guy. And God knows I loved my View-Master back in the day. But...really? Talk about outdated technology. How about an exclusive Peanuts Betamax player, too?

4) Hot Wheels: Wonder Woman Jet - $5

I guess they get credit for not going for the easy gag and just selling an empty box. But even for five bucks, this still seems like a ripoff. They could have at least put a mini-Wonder Woman in the pilot's seat.

3) My Little Pony 2010 Special Edition Pony - $14.99

Why does this pony have graffiti on it? Was it assaulted by taggers? Did it recently finish a stint in Chino? Regardless, I can't help but think that this would be a bad influence on little girls.

2) Heather Morris's autograph - $25

Heather Morris is an actress on Glee. I didn't know this before now, and I'm guessing a lot of you didn't, either. But you can buy a card with her autograph on it. Or if you don't have $25 to throw around, you can also buy autographed cards featuring some of the non-lead actors from True Blood for only $10-$15. It used to be you had to be a professional athlete to be featured on a card, and a good professional athlete to get your own autograph card. Now you just have to be on Glee.

1) Grimm Fairy Tales Swimsuit Edition #1 SDCC Exclusive - $10

Zenescope is hardly the first comic book company to do a swimsuit issue featuring its characters, but I'm pretty sure it's the only company shameless enough to still be putting one out. No word on whether or not tissues and hand lotion are included.

Ten Best Comic-Con Exclusives

The San Diego Comic-Con is next week. Or I guess it's just called Comic-Con, these days. It's gotten so big that even without the "San Diego" part, you can't possibly confuse it with any of the dozens of other comic book conventions each year.

I checked The D.C. Universe travel/food budget a few months ago, and there was enough to either go to San Diego, or get 100 KFC Double Downs. Naturally, I went with the 100 Double Downs. So I'll be staying in D.C. for my angioplasty and commenting on all the news and big announcements in San Diego from here.

But here's something I don't have to wait to talk about, because they've already been revealed: This year's Comic-Con exclusives.

Every year, con-goers get the opportunity to pick up stuff made specifically for the con that usually isn't available elsewhere. (At least until it hits eBay.) Some of it is really awesome. Most of it is awesome only to a very small subset of people. And some stuff just isn't awesome at all.

Tomorrow, I'll list the most non-awesome exclusives you couldn't pay me to take. But today, here are ten I'd be all over if I were in San Diego next week.

10) Crossed Mask - Free

So you want to commit wanton acts of violence and sexual deviance. But you're afraid of the legal consequences, right? Put on this mask, straight out of the Crossed comic by Garth Ennis, and you can just claim you were a victim of an evil plague that made you do horrible things. In the very least, the courts in California should buy it.

9) Toy Story #4 GET-A-SKETCH - $20

Ordinarily, I'd have zero interest in a Toy Story comic. But your $20 gets you a sketch on the cover of your favorite character by a Boom! artist. Sure, be predictable and ask for Buzz or Woody. Me, I'd go with Big Baby, maybe the most disturbing character in the history of movies.

8) Dexter Bobblehead - $15

This would have been so much better if Dexter was holding his scalpel or one of his blood slides instead of his kid. But I'd still take it.

7) Pan’s Labyrinth Pale Man Mini Bust - $70

Based on my experience, chicks dug Pan's Labyrinth. So if you bring one back to your place, and this is the first thing she sees on your mantle, logic dictates that she'll be yours.

6) Hot Wheels: Ecto-1 - $20

As an adult, this would be a cute novelty item for my desk. As a kid, and a huge Ghostbusters fan, this would have rocked my world, and I'm a little pissed off they only just now got around to making it.

5) Zombie Survival Guide Art Prints - $10

From the mind of Max Brooks, author of World War Z, come these illustrated posters for when the zombipocalypse happens. (Of course, for all you D.C. people, there's only one zombie survival guide you need.)

4) Advance copy of Simon & Kirby Superheroes signed by Joe Simon - Price TBD

You had me at Kirby.

3) Alan Moore's Neonomicon #1 - $4

I'll just let the website describe this one:

Jacen Burrows delivers a shocking all-new cover on this exclusive edition that is limited to just 1500 copies! Debuting at SDCC, the all-new, all Alan Moore, horror series spoken of only in hushed whispers for years is finally here! From the award-winning master of comics, Alan Moore, comes a brand new tale of Lovecraftian horror, illustrated by Burrows, that will leave you too afraid to close your eyes, but more afraid to open them! Available only at Avatar Press booth #2701 and get it signed by guest Jacen Burrows!

2) Devil Bacon - $10

I'm not familiar with the Mr. Toast comic that this character comes from, but it's bacon with devil horns and a tail and it's just fucking genius. This is one of the few plush toys I think a man can get away with owning.

1) DC Universe 75th Anniversary Pack: Starro with Pack of Spores - $50

WOW. This is really cool. An action figure set recreating the classic cover of The Brave and the Bold #28, the first appearance of the Justice League of America, would be awesome enough. But it talks! Buy this and take a nostalgic trip back to the Silver Age of comics, when a giant, one-eyed starfish from space was a credible supervillain. And did I mention it talks?!

"No, we've been losing. What I want is for us to finish dead last."

Major League is one of my favorite movies of all time, and arguably the greatest sports movie ever made. I'm not sure how well it holds up 20 years later, but I've never seen a film that better captures how much fun it must be to be a professional athlete or how much a winning season can make a city feel good.

Last year, I found out something that blew my mind: Major League has an alternate ending. Well, it's really more of a cut scene, in that it takes place well before the movie ends, but I guess "alternate ending" sounds better for marketing purposes.

In it, it's revealed that Rachel Phelps, the bitchy owner of the team who inherited it from her dead husband, and who wants them to finish in last place so she can move the team to Miami, isn't really a bitch after all. In fact, she's actually really super nice. All the horrible stuff she said and did throughout the film? Just a clever ruse, in order to motivate the team to play better.

Go ahead and take a moment to process that. I had to.

When they showed the film to the test audiences, they understandably disliked this development, and it was removed.

I actually kept an open mind before seeing it. It didn't sound especially great, but depending on how it was presented, it seemed like it might have had the potential to be a cool, "Holy shit, Bruce Willis has been dead this whole time!" twist. Unfortunately, viewing the alternate ending wasn't easy. As far as I can tell, no one has posted it online, which I kind of thought was the whole purpose of the internet. And while it was on the "Wild Thing Edition" DVD, the only version of it I ever saw in stores was Blu-ray. So for the past few months, this has sort of sat percolating in the back of my mind. Then finally, this past weekend, I found it on regular DVD and immediately bought it.

So, how is the alternate ending?

Worse than I ever imagined. Back in the 80s, the test audiences saved the producers from themselves.

Here's the scene in a nutshell: Lou comes to Rachel's office just before the game at the end of the film to tell her that he knows she wants to move the team to Miami, and that he's resigning at the end of the season rather than wait around to be fired. Then Rachel drops the bombshell: She'd wanted Lou to find out from Charlie so that he'd tell the team, and that would get them fired up enough to start winning. Also, that there never was an offer from Miami. She'd made the whole thing up.

When Lou (speaking for the audience, I'm sure) expresses skepticism about this, here's her response:

"If I really wanted you to lose, all I'd have to do is send your best players back to the minors. But I didn't do that, did I? You think this was all an accident? I personally scouted every member of this team. Except Hayes, of course. He was a surprise. They all had flaws that concealed their real talent, or I wouldn't have been able to afford them. But I knew that if anyone could straighten them out, you could. You see, I scouted you, too. (Fake stern voice.) And if you tell them any of this, I will fire you. (Laughs.) Oh, Lou. I love this team. Go get 'em tonight."

They smile, shake hands, and Lou leaves. Then Rachel looks heavenward and talks to her dead husband, who she apparently really did love after all.

Ugh.

So that's the alternate ending. Since seeing it, I've been thinking a lot about the effect it would have had if they'd gone in that direction. Would it have ruined the film? No, I guess not. I think that ultimately, I would have liked it just as much, and that it would still be as fondly regarded as it is. But I also think that it'd feel...wrong. Like, Jar Jar Binks-level wrong. Especially when you went back and watched those earlier scenes of her being evil. I'm not sure those could realistically have been explained away by her wanting to "motivate" the team.

Most importantly, though, it would have screwed up one of my favorite moments of the film: The Indians have just won the game, the stadium is going nuts, and Rachel is just sitting there in her box, as Charlie and her security guys are celebrating right behind her. And she has this blank, ambiguous look on her face, and you almost get the sense that maybe, just maybe, she finally sees how important the team is to Cleveland.

(Then of course, Major League II totally screwed that up by having her be a bitch again. One of many, many things Major League II screwed up, the foremost of which being the revelation that after the first movie ended, the Indians went on to lose to the White Sox in the ACLS. Wasn't it so much better when you assumed they went on to win the World Series?)

Anyway, while I'm on the subject, here are a few ways I wish real-life baseball was more like Major League.

Entire teams should do commercials together

As a kid, this made perfect sense to me. A team comes out of nowhere to be contenders, and captures the imagination of Cleveland, if not the whole country. Why wouldn't American Express want to put them in a commercial?

Of course, in real life, it'd never happen. The whole team would cost too much, and American Express wouldn't want all those guys that no one had heard of, anyway. They'd just go with the biggest star. Probably Vaughn, unless they were really wedded to that "Don't steal home without it" line, in which case, Hayes. After all, there is no I in team, except when it comes to endorsement deals.

Bad teams' stadiums should be 99% empty

In the film, the Opening Day game between the Indians and the Yankees only seems to attract a couple of hundred fans. Obviously, even if you had a ridiculously low payroll, you still couldn't operate a major league team with that kind of attendance. Coincidentally, Cleveland currently has the lowest attendance in baseball right now, and even still, they're averaging over 16,000 fans a game.

But wouldn't it be cool if that did happen? If everyone else was so apathetic about the local team, that you really could show up to a game and basically have the place all to yourself? No one would hassle you about moving down to the good seats, and it'd be really easy to come up with a foul ball.

Relievers should leisurely stroll to the mound

You know what the best part about professional wrestling is? Entrance music! As the wrestlers make their way to the ring, it's a major production. Music, lights, high-fives, the works.

When Vaughn relieves Harris at the end of the film, it takes him over a minute to get from the bullpen to the mound, with Wild Thing blaring the whole time. That's how it should be in real life. Given that relief pitcher is the most thankless position in baseball, let's WWE this thing up and make them feel like it's a big fucking deal when they take the mound. If nothing else, it'd probably do wonders for their confidence.

Batters should call their shots. But...

This scene confused the hell out of me when I first saw the film as a kid. Jake's up at the plate. He calls his shot. Twice. The crowd cheers. Harry Doyle can't believe what he's seeing. And then...Jake bunts, catching the Yankees completely by surprise. At the time, I didn't get how this was allowed. Even now, it still sort of seems like it should be against the rules.

I guess calling shots doesn't happen in real life because it's obnoxious and would likely get you beaned. But I think it'd be cool if more players did it. But here's the thing: If you do call your shot, you should be required to actually hit the ball exactly where you point. It'd be the ultimate slap in the face to a team you don't like, in that you'd be saying, "I'm so unconcerned about your defense, I'm telling you exactly where I plan on putting the ball." Which is great...but then you should have to follow through. No being cute by bunting or hitting a line drive.

Fans should be able to rush the field after a big win

Hell, yeah we should! I mean, I guess I can see the obvious safety arguments against it. But who cares? We just won the big game! Let us celebrate, for Christ's sake.

Panel of the Week

From Batman and Robin #13:

Summer Movie Scorecard

Have Seen:

The A-Team: B+
Survival of the Dead: B+
Iron Man 2: B+
MacGruber: B-
Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time: C
Knight and Day: D+
Jonah Hex: F

Definitely Seeing:

Predators
Inception
The Other Guys
Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
The Expendables
Piranha 3-D
The Last Exorcism

Might See:

Toy Story 3
The Sorcerer's Apprentice
Salt
Get Low
Dinner for Schmucks
Middle Men
I Love You Phillip Morris
Machete

Today's Mets Fan Of the Game

I'm not even sure how it occurs to someone to do that to an earlobe. (Let alone, both of them.) We'll talk about the hat later.

Panel of the Week

From Justice Society of America #40:

Burgundy and gold vuvuzelas

This morning, I got an email from the Redskins asking me to support the United States being awarded the 2018 or 2022 World Cup. At first, I wondered why they would even give a crap. It's not like Dan Snyder can buy Team USA, though I wouldn't put it past him to try. The motivation behind the email became clear by the end, but I still don't like the idea. My disdain for soccer aside, I always prefer it when international sporting events are played outside the U.S. I think it makes it more of an interesting, exotic experience. That amazing opening ceremony aside, would the 2008 Olympics have been nearly as much fun if it hadn't been for all the athletes griping about how polluted the air in Beijing was, or Ann Curry walking around an outdoor market on the Today Show, shuddering at the kinds of things that Chinese people eat, like scorpions on sticks? I submit it would not have been.

Dear Soccer Fan,

Right off the start, I'm a little offended by this. I'm on the Redskins email list so I can be notified about important football updates. Like what a great addition Albert Haynesworth is to the team. Or that Jim Zorn has complete confidence in Jason Campbell. Also, why simply assume I'm a soccer fan? I'm guessing there's not much more overlap between football fans and soccer fans in this country as there is football fans and needlepoint fans.

Besides, as Ron Bennington said last week on The Ron & Fez Show, "I thought we won World War II so we wouldn't have to play soccer."

Do you want to help bring the FIFA World Cup™ back to the USA?

Not especially, no. But that's apparently a rhetorical question, since the email plods on regardless of the recipient's answer.

Right now, FIFA is deciding which nations will host the 2018 and 2022 tournaments -- and the United States is in the running!

Aren't we always? There are only so many countries who have the resources to pull something like the World Cup or Olympics off. That's why both events seem to mostly bounce back and forth between North American and European countries, and why the United States pouted like a spoiled child when Chicago lost the 2016 Olympics to Rio.

Now, I could get behind a petition to strip France from ever hosting another World Cup, after the embarrassment they brought to the sport. Actually, I'd be fine kicking France out of everything.

The Washington Redskins are supporting the Bid Committee's efforts to show FIFA just how strongly Americans want to host the World Cup. The Committee has created a huge petition campaign, and already more than 300,000 people have signed on.

Click here to add your name and support our World Cup bid: http://gousabid.com/DCpetition

300,000 out of 307,000,000 Americans? Less than 1%? That doesn't seem especially impressive. Meanwhile, you go to a country whose population lives and dies by how well their soccer team does, and you'd probably get almost 100% response.

That's another reason why I'd rather the U.S. not get the tournament. Here, it would be just another sporting event, overshadowed by the NFL, NBA, MLB, NCAA, and pretty much everything else. Hell, I'm pretty sure that at one point, there were probably more Magic: The Gathering fans than soccer fans in the U.S. So why not let a country have it that would actually appreciate it?

You've heard it a thousand times: Americans don't care about soccer and we don't play the Game.

I know! Right?!?

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Oh.

From our youth leagues to our national teams, U.S. soccer just keeps getting stronger. The Game is thriving and growing in communities in every corner of the country and here in the Greater Washington Region.

Come on. You can't count youth leagues. You know all those apathetic Americans like me who don't give a damn about the World Cup, and are just twiddling our thumbs until good sporting events, like the MLB playoffs or the start of the NFL season or World Team Tennis* start up again? We all played soccer as kids! It's a perfect game for kids. Then we all moved on to better sports, like football or basketball or baseball. Well, I mean, I didn't. I moved on to Super Nintendo. But you get my point.

As for our professional soccer teams, when MLS has to sell ad space on its players' jerseys in order to stay afloat, I'm not sure that's a sign of a healthy following.

* The new WTT season starts next week. Seriously, if you can, go. It's fucking awesome. And for Washington Kastles fans, this may be your only opportunity to see a D.C. team defending a championship anytime soon. Who knows? Maybe ever.

Today, the U.S. has more than 24.4 million active soccer players -- that's the second-most in the world. We also rank first in the world with 3.9 million registered youth soccer players and 1.9 million registered female players -- numbers that continue to grow every year.

Wait a minute. 3.9 million youth players + 1.9 million female players (there's nothing to indicate that these two groups don't overlap, but let's for the sake of argument say they don't), plus 400 (rounded up) MLS players. That works out to 5,800,400 soccer players. Where do the other 18,599,600 players come from? College? Beer leagues? I hope the Bid Committee isn't counting people who bought FIFA Soccer 2010 for Xbox. Because that seems like cheating.

Major League Soccer is thriving and expanding, and the U.S. Men's National Team is preparing for its six-straight FIFA World Cup™ this summer, a feat only matched by nine other countries in FIFA's history.

"Is preparing"? Was this email sent out a few weeks late? Because the only thing I see Landon Donovan preparing for now is a paternity suit.

The next step is earning the honor of hosting the FIFA World Cup™ in 2018 or 2022 and having D.C. as a host city. Sign our petition and bring soccer's greatest event back to the U.S. and to Washington, D.C.
http://gousabid.com/DCpetition
Thanks for your support.
Sincerely,
The Washington Redskins

Ah, so that's why Dan Snyder is so anxious to get the World Cup. Not out of national pride, but so the Redskins can see some off-season income. The absurd ticket surcharges that the Redskins attach to every non-football event at FedEx alone, would probably bring in millions. Plus, you just know the order for thousands of burgundy and gold vuvuzelas is prepared and already to send, just as soon as the team gets the go-ahead.

I started to say that FedEx would be an awful place for a World Cup game, as run down and inconvenient to get to as it is. Then it occurred to me that since we're talking about 2018 or 2022, the Redskins may not still be playing there. Then again, they did just install that new video screen, and D.C. doesn't seem especially anxious to give Snyder a new stadium for free, so maybe FedEx has become Washington's Lambeau Field. There's an incredibly depressing thought.

Anyway, America doesn't need the World Cup. FedEx Field doesn't deserve the World Cup. And honestly, I just want this whole soccer thing to go away for another four years so I can concentrate on a sporting event that actually means something. Like the MLB All-Star Game! As the commercials say, "This one counts." And it wouldn't be like MLB to try and deceive its fans about something.