Free Comic Book Day 2010

In a lot of ways, Free Comic Book Day is better than Christmas. Like Christmas, you get free stuff, but unlike Christmas, you don't have to spend a week trapped with your family and drink more beer than usual to make the time go by faster. Or maybe that's just my Christmas and my family.

Regardless, this year's line-up of Free Comics looks pretty good, and there's bound to be something for everyone. Here are my recommendations:

Archie's Summer Splash! #1: Yeah, I know. But these comics have a certain nostalgic value that make them at least somewhat fun. Also, Archie Comics have gotten more progressive recently. Archie's dating a black chick (you have to figure that in a racist haven like Riverdale, Betty and Veronica are just furious) and there's even a gay character (who apparently doesn't want to bang Archie, but everyone else seems to, so it's probably only a matter of time).

G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero #155½ See, the great thing about living in America is that you can have an issue number that ends in ½, no matter how little sense it makes. Anyway, hard as it may be to believe, back in the 80s, a guy named Larry Hama took on a comic book based on a toy line and against all odds, managed to produce some really, really great stories. 15 years after the series was cancelled, Hama's picking up right where he left off.

Iron Man/Thor: It's Iron Man! Next week, you'll be paying $10 to see his movie, so don't fucking tell me you don't dig Iron Man. Why not read his comic for free?

War of the Supermen #0: A free Superman comic would be good enough. But Supermen? Like, more than one? And hey, remember General Zod? He's back, too.

Fearless Dawn #1: I know nothing about this, but it sounds good. Don't be put off by the cover. It's not porn. It's just that sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between comics and porn.

FAME: It's a comic book about Lady Gaga. Well...I know that has to appeal to some of you.

Irredeemable #1: This is a great, great comic, about a superhero gone insane. Some dork named it one of the best comics of 2009.

Oni Press Free-For-All! #1: Over the past several years, Oni has released some of the best independent comics around. Even not really knowing what's in this, it's still worth picking up.

Now, you're probably wondering where you can find all this awesome stuff tomorrow.

Big Planet Comics is in Georgetown, right off of Wisconsin Ave. (They also have locations in College Park and Vienna.)

Fantom Comics has two Meto-accessible locations at Union Station and Pentagon City. Here's a description of their plans:

Both Fantom Comics locations will be participating in Free Comic Book Day, but only the one in the Pentagon City Mall (our flagship FCBD shop) will have the following events:

-Two 30 minute sequential art classes taught by Marvel Comics editor and art professor Mike O’Sullivan. You’ll start with a 6-panel comic strip and, using your own creativity (and artistic ability), finish with a comic of your own. All-ages event, to be held at noon and 2pm.

-Prize Wheel to be spun (at least) once an hour from 11 – 8. We’ll ask a geek trivia question, and the winner gets to spin for prizes.

-Lots and lots of $1 comics.

-Local creator/writer Jeff Howe and his illustrator Sam Phillips will be there to give away the first issue of his comic, Polis.

-Oh, and Star Wars characters all over the place! From 11-6, over a dozen members of the 501st Legion and the Rebel Legion will be patrolling the mall and posing for pictures. These are the guys that volunteer for official Lucas events…the real deal! We look forward to seeing you on FCBD!

Dollar comics! Star Wars characters! Prize wheel! My mind just exploded.

And as a reminder, the inaugural D.C. Comic-Con is on Sunday.

I don't want to oversell this thing, but this could be the best weekend in D.C. since the Japanese surrendered in World War II.

Panel of the Week

From Detective Comics #864:

Gots to get paid

Last week, the Washington Post announced their Local Blog Network, a group of independent D.C. area bloggers plucked from the blogosphere and varying degrees of obscurity to comment on important local issues. Of course, when I first heard about this, I was shocked that I hadn't been asked to participate. I mean, I may not be able to intelligently discuss things like "politics" or "the economy," but surely at some point they'll need someone to weigh in on Marvel Comics vs. DC Comics or which Leprechaun film is the best. And then they'll be sorry they didn't invite me! I mean, has Sommer Mathis even seen a Leprechaun film?

In all seriousness, this seemed like a great idea, and I've been enjoying the posts so far. It's always good when local bloggers get some mainstream exposure. Something that sadly, seems to be harder to come by around here. Washingtonian recently put their Blogger Beat on "hiatus" (which, in online-speak, typically means, "gone for good"). It was a fun feature, though reading it, one could easily have drawn the conclusion that there was little other than fashion and food blogs in D.C. More disappointingly, The Express, which was probably the first local media outlet to hop on the blog bandwagon with its daily Blog Log, has noticeably begun eschewing local blogs in favor of quotes from celebrity gossip sites and blogs that have little-to-no D.C. connection.

So the Local Blog Network probably would have stayed controversy-free, except that Maryland Politics Watch pulled back the curtain on the Washington Post deal:

Five weeks ago, I received an unsolicited offer from the Washington Post. They asked if they could post my picture and biography on their website and link to every new blog post appearing here if I agreed to produce regular original content for them at their request. I turned them down. Why?

Because they wanted me to work for them for nothing.

The Post is organizing a "local blogging network" linking to selected blogs from their website and asking bloggers to submit original content, which would be edited by them. The Post's rights to that content would be enforceable under a written agreement. That agreement was written as follows:

Dear [Blogger],

This Agreement is intended to cover the republication of [blog] (the "Work"), written by [author] ("You") and originally published at [blog address] ("Your Site"), on WashingtonPost.com (the "Site") by The Washington Post ("The Post") and any original blog posts that you submit.

You and The Post agree to the following terms:

1. You grant to The Post a non-exclusive right to republish the Work (in whole or in part) on the Site in real time simultaneous with Your own publication of the Work, as well as the right to adapt, edit, display, store, and promote the Work in connection with such republication on the Site. The Post may also display or republish the Work or any part of it in forms or on media reasonably related to the Site, such as on mobile devices and in e-mail newsletters.

2. You shall facilitate the establishment of technical means to allow The Post to exercise the rights set forth in Paragraph 1.

3. You represent and warrant that the Work is Your own creation, that you have all necessary rights and permissions to grant the rights set forth in Paragraph 1, and that The Post's republication and distribution of the Work will not violate any copyright or other right of any third party. You agree to indemnify and hold harmless The Post from any claim related to the Work.

4. As full consideration for the rights granted by You to The Post, The Post shall credit you and provide a link back to Your Site whenever The Post publishes the Work on The Site.

5. The Post's right to republish the Work on the Site in real time simultaneous with Your own publication of the Work shall terminate on 30 days notice by either party, although such termination shall not affect The Post's rights with respect to previously published material from the Work. You and The Post may renew this agreement with written notice prior to the termination date.

Your signature:
_________________________

Every blogger signing the agreement is expected to participate in a blogger "discussion" initiated by Post editors or other bloggers at least once a week. Each blogger is also expected to stick to a "workflow plan" in which he or she will manage the other bloggers and submit extra material for a week on a rotating basis. In return for this commitment, the bloggers receive… absolutely nothing.

There's a lot more to Adam Pagnucco's post, and it's well worth reading. Especially in regards to the implications this has for the writers the Post does pay.

Having said that, I don't have a problem with what the Post is doing. Money may not not be exchanging hands, but something potentially even more valuable is: Exposure.

I'll be honest, aside from DCist, I don't read any of the blogs whose writers were selected for the network. I don't know if they blog for fun or because they hope it might one day lead to a regular paying blogging gig (or a better paying blogging gig than the one they already have). But either way, being featured on the website of one of the premiere newspapers in the world in exchange for some free content isn't at all a bad deal. I can see why it wouldn't appeal to everyone, and I don't blame Pagnucco for passing. But it's not a bad deal.

I recently read I'm Dying Up Here by William Knoedelseder, a great book about the stand-up comedy scene in the 70s. It specifically focuses on The Comedy Store, which at the time, was the most successful comedy club in Los Angeles. Its roster of comedians was a virtual who's who of future superstars: Jay Leno. David Letterman. Richard Pryor. Andy Kaufman. George Carlin. Garry Shandling. And dozens more. The owner, Mitzi Shore, was raking in money hand over fist, mainly because she had a brilliant business model: She didn't pay any of the comics.

Not a cent. Not the headliners, not the comics struggling to break into the business. When someone--Leno, I think--suggested maybe just giving some of the younger guys cab fare to get home at night so they didn't have to go out of pocket to perform, she wouldn't even do that. Shore claimed that she wasn't so much running a business, as a workshop where comics could hone their craft. The comics disagreed with this assessment, called a strike, and started walking a picket line until she was forced to start paying them.

Now obviously, if you own a comedy club, there's no reason why you wouldn't pay your established stars. They're the ones bringing in the customers. They're the ones keeping you in business. Based on the book's description of Shore's personality, I don't have a hard time believing that she truly bought into her bullshit rationalization for not paying her comics. That doesn't mean it still wasn't bullshit, though. But when it came to the younger comics? I really see nothing wrong with her not paying them. Even if you toss the stupid "workshop" justification out, it was a simple quid pro quo situation where both parties benefited. She got a product she could sell, and they got to perform on the same stage as Richard Pryor.

That's basically what the Washington Post is doing. And just like the comics performing at The Comedy Store for free eventually got to the point where they started booking paying gigs in Vegas or Tahoe or wherever, the bloggers in the Local Blog Network can use the exposure they're getting from this as a springboard for bigger and better things. Then it'll be up to the Post to decide whether to start paying them or let them go and replace them with more free labor. I suspect there will a lot more arrangements along these lines as print and online journalism merge, so people might as well get used to the idea.

Oh, and not that you or the Washington Post asked, but Leprechaun 2 is the best film in the series. Leprechaun and Leprechaun 3 aren't bad, and obviously, Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood has far and away the best title. But for my money, Leprechaun 2 is where it's at.

Seriously, even for free, I don't understand how the Post passed on this sort of insight.

Ted vs. Expectations

Almost exactly two years ago, I posted this after the Caps were bounced out of the NHL playoffs.

On his blog, Ted Leonsis good-naturedly disputed my belief that he was crying after the loss (not that I meant it as an insult or anything), but I think my overall point stood: That he was the kind of sports team owner D.C. was lucky to have. Especially compared to...well, you know.

I'm still not a hockey fan, and I haven't been to a Caps game since I was a kid and they were still playing at the Capital Centre. But like everyone else in D.C., I am a Ted Leonsis fan. And even though the last year was hella depressing if you were a Redskins, Wizards or Nats fan, it was comforting to know that at least one D.C. sports team was on the right track.

Maybe after so many years of disappointments and false starts, I'm just grasping for hope, but the truth is that even with the Caps losing in the first round after all but being anointed the inevitable NHL champs by the fans and media, I'm more optimistic about sports in D.C. than I have been in years.

The Redskins added Shanahan, Allen and McNabb.

The Nats are looking shockingly respectable. And that's even before Strasburg has been called up.

The Caps are automatically going to enter next season as a prohibitive favorite to go to the finals.

And the Wizards? The Wizards now have Ted Leonsis.

So as I see it, one man is responsible for 50% of that optimism. Which is pretty damn impressive.

I'm sure Leonsis is having a lousy night right now. But tomorrow, next week, whenever, he'll get back to turning the Capitals and the Wizards into winners. And at some point in the next couple of years, we'll all benefit from his hard work.

Thanks, Ted. If nothing else, you've made being a D.C. sports fan fun again.

24: 10:00 a.m.-11:00 a.m

Thoughts:

-- That was probably the shortest helicopter chase in action film or TV history. I can't wait until they start making 24 movies, and actually get a budget. Less fake-looking helicopters would be nice, too.

-- See? I knew President Taylor sucked. Everyone always talks about how right wing this show is, but I think it's telling that the only decent president was the black dude. And the second best president was the other black dude. This show was pro-Obama before anyone knew who Obama was.

-- Man, I hate seeing Jack and Chloe fight. It's like seeing your parents fight. In particular, hearing Chloe ask Jack if he was threatening her, kind of broke my heart.

-- Just when I was getting over how cool it was that Michael Madsen was in this episode, D.B. Sweeney shows up! I'm not going to say this season's been perfect, but I love the guest casting. I do wish Sweeney would get rid of the moustache, though. Doug Dorsey would never grow a moustache. I'm not sure what all the other characters Sweeney has played would think about it, since I'm pretty sure The Cutting Edge is the only D.B. Sweeney movie I've ever seen.

-- It was weird how Jack checked the guy's pulse after he knocked him out. I'm not saying Jack couldn't kill a man with one punch, but I'm pretty sure that wasn't a killing blow, and it seems like Jack should have known that.

-- After so many great torture scenes over the years, waterboarding seems awfully mundane. Jack would have just shot her in the leg.

Jack's confirmed kills: 0 (21 for the season)

Jack's Words of Wisdom: "It's not about what I did. They're afraid of what I'm going to do."

Overall grade: A

Panel of the Week

From The Brave and The Bold #33:

The D.C. Comic-Con

Over the past several years, there have been a few comic book shows and conventions around the D.C area (i.e., McLean, Bethesda, and of course, Baltimore). But the last one I know of that was actually held in D.C. was one I went to when I was about 13 or 14 years old.

It was in some hotel downtown, and Neil Gaiman was the guest of honor. Sandman was still being published, so this was a really good get for the convention. Now, I only just got around to reading Sandman a couple of years ago, so back then, I had no idea who the hell Gaiman was, other than that he was British, wore sunglasses indoors, and that a lot of his fans seemed to like dressing in all black. But I picked up the latest issue of Sandman and got it signed, and sold it on eBay a few years ago for $10. Good times.

Of course, back in the early 90s, comic books were raking in money hand over fist, thanks mainly to a speculator bubble that would soon go bust and almost wipe out the entire industry. But no one knew that at the time, so on most weekends you were never more than a few hundred miles away from a comic book convention somewhere. I remember a vendor at the one I went to being really excited about the turnout and the prospect of more and bigger conventions in D.C.

Then a couple of years later, the bubble burst and there were no more conventions in D.C.

But yesterday, it was announced that the first-ever D.C. Comic-Con will be held in a couple of weeks! Which means...well, I still won't be attending a comic book convention in D.C. anytime soon.

Official Press Release

Marc Nathan, promoter of the Baltimore Comic-Con, and Brett Carreras, promoter of the VA Comicon, are proud to jointly announce the inaugural DC Comic-Con. The show will be held on Sunday, May 2nd, 2010 (the day after Free Comic Book Day) from 10am-5pm in the Student Union Building II (SUB II) at George Mason University (GMU) in Fairfax, VA.

Admission to the show is only $5! GMU students, faculty, and staff get in free! All active military personnel with current military IDs get in free!

The show will feature an amazing guest list for an inaugural show, a show exclusive comic, a full room of brick-and-mortar retailers bringing Golden Age, Silver Age, and modern comics inventories, manga and anime products, and toys! There will also be a sanctioned Magic the Gathering tournament!

Guests

Our guests for this premiere event include: Frank Cho (Mighty Avengers), Herb Trimpe (Incredible Hulk), JG Jones (52), the Fillbach Brothers (Clone Wars Adventures) sponsored by Laughing Ogre Comics, the Luna Brothers (The Sword) sponsored by Laughing Ogre Comics, Steve Conley (Star Trek Omnibus: The Original Series), John K. Snyder III (Doctor Mid-Nite) sponsored by the Hero Initiative, and Jo Chen (Runaways) sponsored by the Hero Initiative.

Show Exclusive Comic and Giveaways

Thanks to our friends at Top Cow Productions, the DC Comic-Con will be offering a show-exclusive Witchblade #136 DC Comic-Con Variant by co-headlining guest JG Jones. This exclusive comic will be available in very limited quantities at the Hero Initiative booth, and is selling for only $5, of which $1 goes to the Hero Initiative.

Additionally, the first 500 attendees will receive a copy of the Overstreet Guide to Collecting Comics, Gemstone's 2010 Free Comic Book Day publication.

Sanctioned Magic the Gathering Tournament

A special Magic the Gathering -- Rise of the Eldrazi tournament with a massive prize pool will be held at the show. Each player will receive six unopened boosters from the new Rise of the Eldrazi set, and players will then construct a deck from those boosters (free extra lands provided). The tournament will be played in Swiss Rounds, and will begin promptly at 10am when the doors open.

To participate in this sanctioned event, entry is $19 through May 1st or $22 at the door (participants must also purchase a separate convention admission ticket). The show will be open 2 hours past the scheduled conclusion of the tournament so that players will have plenty of time to check out the main showroom.

Participants may pre-register for the Magic Tournament over the phone with a major credit card (call 703-241-9393) or in person at Victory Comics, 586 S. Washington St., Falls Church, VA 22046-4415.

Directions

The show will be held at the George Mason University campus at 4400 University Drive, Fairfax, VA 22030 in the Student Union Building II (SUB II). Free Parking is available in Lot A (beside the Patriot Center), which is a short walk from SUB II. A map of the campus can be found at http://parking.gmu.edu/pdf%20files/parkingmap09.pdf, and directions to the show can be found on the show website at http://dccomicon.com/?page_id=63.

About The DC Comic-Con

The DC Comic-Con, launching in 2010 on Sunday, May 2nd from 10am-5pm, is a result of the cooperative work of Marc Nathan, sponsor of the Baltimore Comic-Con (http://www.baltimorecomiccon.com/) and Brett Carreras, sponsor of the VA Comicon (http://www.vacomicon.com/). For more information, please visit http://dccomicon.com/.

Clearly, George Mason's Student Union Building II isn't exactly the Baltimore Convention Center. Or even the Bethesda Marriott. Or even in D.C. But I'm sure it'll be a good show.

Honestly, I'm surprised it's taken this long for it to happen. I think pretty much every other major east coast city has hosted a comic book convention in recent years. Last October, New York had two on the same weekend. And with the success of the Baltimore Comic-Con, you'd think someone would have swooped in by now and attempt to steal some of that thunder.

And in fact, I wouldn't be surprised if that was the reason behind the somewhat hasty launch of the D.C. Comic-Con. Wizard World conventions are spreading, and it was only a matter of time before they decided to put D.C. on their schedule. I'd rather have a real comic book convention than a Wizard show, given Wizard's emphasis on celebrities over comics. (Although, the line-up for Wizard World Philadelphia features Bruce Campbell and Adam West, and I'm not sure it's possible to get any better than that.) But since until now, no one else seemed to be interested in D.C., I wouldn't have turned my nose up at them, either. I still wouldn't, actually. Competition is never not a good thing.

Since this is the first year, and since Marc Nathan has done such a great job with the Baltimore Comic-Con, I'm willing to cut the inaugural D.C. Comic-Con a little slack. Fine, have it in Fairfax. Have a limited (though not unimpressive) guest list. But unless it's absolutely, positively not economically viable, it really needs to be in D.C. next year. It doesn't have to be three days and feature a hundred guests. But it needs to be in D.C.

If not, I'm sure Wizard will oblige.

Rednecks, guns, and stickers

There were two gun rallies in the D.C. area yesterday. One, held in Virginia, featured a bunch of people with loaded pistols strapped to their waists, and loaded rifles slung across their backs, to show their love of the Second Amendment, and probably to compensate for some really small penises.

Or, as one organizer put it:

"Let me hang out my shingle," Mike Vanderboegh shouted to the 75 armed men and women at Fort Hunt Park in Alexandria on Monday morning. Vanderboegh, leader of the "Three Percent" movement, a gun-owners' rights group, slammed down a brick on the stage bearing the Roman numeral III.

This was a reference to his call for his followers to "break the windows of hundreds, thousands of Democrat Party headquarters" after health-care legislation passed. Some of them did as they were told.

"I was trying to get the attention of people who are pushing this country toward civil war, that they should stop before somebody gets hurt," Vanderboegh said of his brick-throwing campaign.

Sure, because the people making it so that more Americans have access to quality health care are pushing the country towards civil war, not the armed thugs advocating intimidation tactics.

Anyway, with the retard psychos safely quarantined in Virginia, thanks to D.C.'s anti-carry laws, the city played host to a far less frightening group of gun nuts. There were no Hitler signs. No talks of armed rebellion or the rapture. Just a bunch of good ol' boys (and girls) letting the government know it can't take their guns. The fact that no one in the government--least of all, Obama--really seems to give a shit about taking their guns, didn't appear to matter to anyone.

But it was a pretty friendly crowd. Aside from a couple of scowls from people who noticed I wasn't wearing a sticker (I'll get to that in a minute), it was a relatively laid-back affair. They even had a rock band. I didn't catch their name, but their signature hit seemed to be called "The Second Amendment Song." I'm not going to lie. It was kind of catchy.

If I'm being generous, there were maybe 400 people at the rally. Unless you're using Republican math. Then it was around 1.5 million.

Everyone at the rally was wearing a sticker like this one. In a lot of cases, people were wearing multiple stickers all over their bodies, kind of like you would when you were 7. The added benefit--aside from informing people that guns save lives--is that rally attendees could tell who didn't belong there by their lack of stickers. I had no stickers, and got more than a few suspicious looks.

Things I Never Thought I'd See In a Million Years for $1,000, Alex: What is a pink banner at an ultra-conservative rally proclaiming that "The Black Panthers Were Right"?

No, I'm not really sure what a guy dressed up as George Washington has to do with guns, either. But he and his fellow cosplayers were catnip for the media.

And there was a decent amount of media around. At one point, one of the rally organizers on the stage announced that he was going to do an interview with Al Jazeera, and if he wasn't back in five minutes, to send help. Now, even if you accept the evident premise of his joke--that Al Jazeera is somehow working with, or otherwise affiliated with Muslim extremists--why would they hurt him? The Taliban and the Tea Party are basically the same thing.

Suppose you're a gun nut, and you're attending a gun rally in D.C. But you have a small problem: That darn, Second Amendment-hating city government won't let you bring your machine gun! What do you do?

Obviously, you make a fake gun out of wood, paint it, and sling it across your back! (And then you think to put bright orange letters on it, so you don't accidentally get shot to death by a panicked cop who thinks it's real.) Problem solved!

To paraphrase a line from Sneakers, I could have been in the NRA. But they found out my parents were married.

24: 9:00 a.m.-10:00 a.m

Thoughts:

-- Geez, it didn't take Chloe long to go all head-of-CTU on Jack. I guess it's a lot easier to ignore the rules when it's not your ass on the line.

-- I don't really expect President Logan to survive this season, but if he does and Fox needs a spin-off, that'd be a great one. It would just be him, traveling around the world, making the world a worse place and lining his own pockets. It'd be like an evil West Wing.

-- No matter what he told Sergei, Jack's not really going to kill a baby. But it would be kind of cool to see. I mean, it wouldn't be that bad, would it? He just going to grow up to be another Russian mobster.

-- It's not that long ago that network TV never would have allowed that scene where Jack beats the shit out of Dana. I'm not sure if this is a step forward or backwards for women's lib.

-- I'm not sure I buy President Taylor suddenly deciding that the peace process justifies an illegal and immoral cover-up, but I do like seeing her play Doctor Manhattan to Jack's Rorschach. Which I guess makes Logan Ozymandias in this analogy, which only makes me want to see that President Logan spin-off even more.

-- Every now and then, it's fun to think about how absurd the pacing on this show is. In the past hour in real life, my ass hasn't moved from this chair. But in the past hour on 24: Renee was shot, Jack rushed her to the hospital, Renee was taken into surgery and died, Jack went to the courthouse to talk with Sergei, then he went back to CTU, slapped Dana around, waited for the president to show up, spoke with the president, and is now being led away. All in one hour.

-- What the fuck, Chloe?!? It's bad enough she called security on Jack. But the Air Force? Man, she didn't just sell out, she bought in.

Jack's confirmed kills: 0 (21 for the season)

Jack's Words of Wisdom: "If you lie to me, I'll find you no matter where you try to hide. You understand that?"

Overall grade: B+

Gold(mans) and Silver(man)

Sarah Silverman's doing a book signing at the L Street Borders this week. I know this, because Borders sent me an email this morning, telling me so. Just like they sent me an email last month telling me that Chelsea Handler would be doing a book signing at the same store. You know who also did a book signing at a Borders in the D.C. area this month? Christopher Moore, who, among other great books, wrote Lamb, one of my all-time favorite novels. Did Borders feel the need to send me an email alerting me to this fact? No, they did not.

It's not like emails cost money. Why send out announcements only about celebrity signings? Looking at the list of upcoming events at Borders.com, do I care that next week, someone named Ann Mah will be appearing to discuss her "sparkling debut novel about a young Chinese-American woman who travels to China to find food, family, and herself"? Not really. But I'm sure some people in D.C. would appreciate the heads-up.

Anyway, I'm thinking about going to the Sarah Silverman one. But here's the thing: I don't really care about the book. I mean, I like Silverman. But not enough to read a book full of her musings on various things. Sort of like how I think Jim Norton's hilarious on the radio, but not enough to read either of his books. So if I go, it'll just be for the signing experience.

I first discovered the fun of the book signing experience not long after I graduated high school, and the OJ trial ended. It's amazing to think back on how totally and utterly obsessed America was with that trial. It was really the last hurrah of the world's pre-Internet news culture and pop culture, and I doubt we'll ever see anything like it again.

And the people who were involved with the trial? They were fucking rock stars. It was like L.A. Law and American Idol rolled into one.

I went to the Marcia Clark book signing at the Dupont Books-A-Million. The line stretched outside the store for about four blocks. It was so packed, Clark wasn't even signing books for individual people. They had her at a roped-off table with a big pile of books, and when they were signed, they were put into another pile, and a bookstore employee would hand you a copy. At no point, were you able to interact with her. I didn't go to the Christopher Darden signing, but I heard it was even busier.

I never read the Marcia Clark book. It's somewhere in a box, gathering dust.

Remember the Goldman family? They wrote a book, too. I'm not entirely sure why anyone thought that would be a good idea, but of course, at the time, the janitor who mopped the courtroom every night could have written an OJ book, and it would have been a best-seller. So they did a book tour, and swung through Virginia, and even though it only got a fraction of the attendance of Marcia Clark's signing, there was still a decent crowd. Fred Goldman had lost his voice, so instead of spewing the anti-OJ venom we'd all seen on TV and come to Crown Books to hear in person, he just sat there, nodding sagely as his wife and daughter savaged Orenthal James Simpson. Frankly, it was kind of a letdown.

I never read the Goldman family book. It's somewhere in a box, probably on top of Marcia Clark's book.

In the ensuing years, I've gone to plenty of other signings. Sometimes I read the books (Al Franken, Anthony Bourdain, Christopher Buckley), and sometimes I don't (Michael Moore, Neil Gaiman, Joe Gibbs). But there is something undeniably awesome about those fleeting seconds you get with a person you like or admire, even though you know they've already forgotten you a moment later. And hey, if you don't want the book, they make great Christmas presents.

Mostly, though, if I go to the Silverman signing, I'll be hoping that no one tries to get her to sing "I'm Fucking Matt Damon" or something. I'll hope. But I'll know better. Because there's always that one guy at these things. And he's always in front of me. Whether he's the irrate conservative at the Michael Moore signing, or the guy dressed up as Destiny at the Neil Gaiman signing, or the Redskins fan who won't leave until Joe Gibbs signs his jersey, he's always....in...front...of...me.

If Christopher Moore didn't have any freaks at his signing a couple of weeks ago, it's probably because I wasn't there. If he wants, he can thank me by coming back through D.C. so I can get my copy of Lamb signed.

Panel of the Week

From Die Hard Year One #8:

Tales From the Netflix Crypt

This month's reviews: Dead Snow, The Final, and Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever.



Dead Snow (2009)
Directed by Tommy Wirkola

Plot: A group of med students on a ski vacation run into zombies. But not just any zombies! Nazi zombies!!!

Comments: I really wanted to see this Norwegian import in theaters last year, but didn't get the chance. And I'm glad I didn't, because there, I would have been forced to endure subtitles (which, back when I first started watching foreign films, I would have been all pretentious about, claiming how much more authentic they made the film or something, but now I just find them to be a pain in the ass), whereas on the DVD, the voice dubbing is actually really good. A lot of the time, I forgot the actors weren't American.

But anyway, Nazi zombies. Has there ever been a better concept? See, they're dead Nazis, which is the best kind of Nazi, but they're also zombies, and zombies automatically make any film better. I was surprised to hear this film got generally negative reviews in Norway, whereas, audiences at Sundance loved it. Maybe it's just that no one loves zombies or dead Nazis as much as Americans. USA! USA! USA!

Anyway, as far as zombie films go, it doesn't really cover any new ground. In fact, strictly speaking, these aren't really even zombies in the American sense. They speak. They use weapons. We're told their bite turns other people into zombies, but a couple of people get bitten, and don't seem any worse for wear, other than the massive blood loss.

But the film successfully turns on a dime between horror and comedy without seeming like it's trying too hard to be a horror/comedy movie (one scene in particular, where the Nazis get slaughtered while some Norwegian soft rock song is playing, is especially great). In fact, it's actually a bit too effective at this. It's discomforting to be laughing at the movie one minute, and then see something truly awful happen.

To be honest, this is one of those films where a great gimmick--in this case, Nazi zombies--manages to elevate an otherwise average script. But it's such a great gimmick, you really don't even mind that much.

Script: B+
Acting: B
Gore: A
Overall: A-




The Final (2010)
Directed by Joey Stewart

Plot: A bunch of bullies, mean girls, and other unpleasant high school types, are drugged at a party, and awake to find themselves tied up and at the mercy of the kids they picked on.

Comments: This is a movie written by someone with some serious adolescent issues. Imagine a Lifetime original movie about the horrors of bullying, directed by Eli Roth. That's the best way I can think of to describe this film. Because along with the moral platitudes about bullying, there's death, torture, and dismemberment, not necessarily in that order.

There's always been something deeply satisfying about seeing these types of characters get their comeuppance in horror movies, and I don't think you really have had been the victim of bullying to enjoy it. But this felt somewhat more...I dunno. Real? Insightful? Profound? I mean, it's a silly premise for a film, don't get me wrong. But the actors playing the tormented kids really do a great job in communicating their despair and their need for revenge. (Even if the actress playing Emily is way too cute for the role. If this were a teen comedy instead of a horror film, she'd be the character who ends up with the popular guy after getting a She's All That-style makeover.)

What's really impressive, though, is that this could have been just a generic, by-the-numbers revenge flick, except for one brilliant twist: Instead of just killing their bullies, the kids instead decide to scar them for life, both physically and psychologically. Cut-off fingers, acid cream to the face, needles stuck in uncomfortable places...good stuff. The first kid, who takes a cattle prod to the cheek? He was one of the lucky ones.

At no point does the film attempt any sort of post-Columbine commentary, which I can't decide is a good thing or a missed opportunity. It feels as though the film could have used at least a little examination of bullying and its effects. But at the end of the day, you get to see a lot of people get terrorized and maimed, and I guess that's all one can reasonably ask from a horror film.

Script: A-
Acting: B
Gore: B+
Overall: B+




Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever (2009)
Directed by Ti West

Plot: The flesh-eating virus is back, and in the water supply of a high school. And it's prom night. Why do things always go wrong on prom night?

Comments: Cabin Fever 2 is, if nothing else, a vile, disgusting film. You know that moment in the first one, where Cerina Vincent is in the bathtub shaving her legs and the razor starts coming away long strips of skin? I thought that was the cringiest part in the film, and it doesn't even hold a candle to this one.

There's a scene towards the end where a guy discovers that a blowjob he got from an infected girl left him with something far worse than an STD. I'm not going to lie: I literally gagged. I don't gag at gore in horror movies, so this was something of a new experience for me. I'm not going to say I especially enjoyed it, but bravo, Cabin Fever 2.

Unfortunately, some really gross moments and a great animated opening credits sequence, are about all the film has going for it. I had the same problem with this that I did with another unnecessary sequel, Return to Sleepaway Camp: All the characters are so incredibly mean and awful--the principal, the teachers, the students--you don't give a shit what happens to them. You don't get even a cheap thrill when they die. You're just kind of hoping a nuke drops on the school. The film eventually goes the cliched route where the government finds out about the virus and sends in the military to wipe out everyone, and you'd probably be rooting for the military to kill everyone even if there wasn't a virus.

The one somewhat redeeming element was Giuseppe Andrews returning as Deputy Winston. Having inadvertently caused the whole mess in the first place by dumping Ryder Strong's character into the creek at the end of Cabin Fever, it at first appears as though he's going to take a heroic turn in this one. Then he just runs around a lot in order to save his own skin (literally). Which was kind of a nice touch.

As a big Eli Roth fan, I couldn't help but be disappointed with how Lionsgate handled this, and it doesn't leave me especially hopeful about Hostel 3. But at least now I know what sort of expectations to go in with.

Script: C+
Acting: D+
Gore: A+
Overall: D+

Talking cows

This is a dream I had last night, which both amused me, and made me think a bit when I was at Five Guys for lunch today:

One day, cows suddenly started talking and exhibiting human-like intelligence. I'm not sure if they were always smart and just couldn't communicate it, or something happened to suddenly grant them intelligence. (I think it was the latter, but the dream sort of glossed over this point.) But they basically just started acting like people. Only somewhat more civilized.

Obviously, this was a pretty big deal, and the whole world immediately freaked out. On TV, there was 24/7 talk of the Rapture, alien invasions, biological terrorism plots, and so on. The cows took it all in stride, though, and soon, they'd formed a cow government, which started giving interviews to the media.

As it happened, the cows were surprisingly cool about the whole business of us using them as food for hundreds of years. After all, they said, it's not like humans knew any better. But the cows said that going forward, we'd have to agree to stop killing and eating them.

And that's where the political problems began.

Obama immediately issued an executive order to temporarily stop killing cows for food, but stopped short of telling farmers that they had to let their cows go free.

PETA and vegetarians were fucking thrilled, of course, because this completely validated everything they believed, and they started arguing for cow rights. They didn't stop there, either. They demanded it be made illegal to kill any animal, because if cows could talk, it stood to reason that pigs, birds, fish, etc. could, too.

Public opinion was initially mixed. Everyone agreed that killing talking cows was more or less wrong. But at the same time, the prospect of giving up steaks and burgers was immensely unpopular.

Republicans were solidly anti-cow rights, claiming that getting rid of the beef industry would destroy the economy, and besides, the Bible said it was okay to eat animals. Democrats, not wanting to take a stand one way or the other, suggested looking for some sort of compromise, like developing a way to genetically engineer cows without brains.

Eventually, a majority of Americans decided they could live with murdering sentient cows, if it meant they wouldn't have to change their diet. Because it was an election year, Democrats weren't about to let the GOP paint them as pussies who wanted to turn every American into a vegan, so most of them joined the Republicans in coming out against cow suffrage.

The cows called us monsters and vowed violent retribution.

And right before the dream ended, Obama was pacing around the Oval Office, trying to decide what to do.

So there I was at Five Guys this afternoon, and I thought about the dream, and on what side I'd be on if cows really did start talking. And I realized--right before ordering my cheeseburger--that I'd probably come down on the side of the cow-eaters.

So I guess the lesson I took away from this is that no matter how immoral it might be, some things are just too delicious to give civil rights to.

24: 8:00 a.m.-9:00 a.m

Thoughts:

-- Samir's alive? I guess I have to take away one of Jack's kills from last week. I can't remember that ever happening before.

-- I was kind of hoping this season wouldn't be like every other season, where it turns out the first bad guys were just pawns of the real bad guys. But at the same time, I guess I'd rather watch Jack take on the Russians than more IRK terrorists. So...whatever.

-- They're putting Chloe in charge of CTU? Look, I love Chloe, but that's even less believable than CJ going from press secretary to chief of staff on The West Wing. And I don't see how they can put the blame for everything on Hastings. Surely, every CTU head is allowed at least one mole.

-- I can't imagine that Jack and Renee smell especially good after the day they've had, but I guess it's nice that they're finally getting it out of their system.

-- President Logan! After this episode, I'm going to break out my Season 5 DVDs. Ah. Season 5. Who knew at the time that would be as good as this show would get?

-- Jack and Renee were knocking boots for....what? Half-an-hour? Considering that Jack's a grandfather who hadn't gotten any sleep in a day, that was maybe his most impressive feat to date.

-- If you're a cab driver, what kind of tip can you expect when a guy gets in with a bleeding woman and orders you to break every traffic law and almost get yourself killed in order to get to a hospital? If it were me, anything less than $50 and I'd be pissed.

-- Renee's dead, and we get the first-ever (and probably last-ever) instance of the silent clock two weeks in a row. Now I'm glad the show's ending, because if it went on for another season, they'd probably bring Audrey back.

Jack's confirmed kills: -1 (21 for the season)

Jack's Words of Wisdom: "I am so thirsty."

Overall grade: A

Holy money shot, Batman!

Batman's appeared in and on a lot of things. Comic books, comic strips, cartoons, TV shows, movies, radio shows, action figures, posters, statues, novels, stickers, Halloween costumes, backpacks, lunch boxes, theme park rides, video games, T-shirts, underwear, and pajamas (both with and without feet).

But until now, he's never appeared in a porn film. Then came along this promo picture for Batman XXX: A Porn Parody.

With a 4-to-2 guy-to-girl ratio, one can only shudder at the possible--and indeed, probable--sexual combinations.

Oddly enough, Superman did once appear in a porn film, as featured in the much-maligned (and surely, by now, stricken from continuity) Action Comics #593. But that's neither here nor there.

My point is, there are some things in life that shouldn't be considered fodder for porn films. Like...I dunno...burn victims. And 9/11 heroes. And Batman, damn it! I mean, if you really want to make superhero porn, use Marvel characters. It seems like ever since Bendis took over, they're just constantly fucking each other, anyway.

I will give the producers credit, though. The Batgirl costume looks really well-made. Except for the XXX on her belt buckle. I don't think Batgirl would wear that. Maybe if Ed Benes was drawing her.

Panel of the Week

From The Flash Secret Files and Origins 2010 #1:

Opening Day

The headline made me chuckle, but come on. I'm not saying the local media should be cheerleaders for the sports teams they cover. But blatant mocking strikes me as equally inappropriate, especially when the team in question is merely hapless, as opposed to stupid (i.e., the Redskins).

Because of the added security, it took about fifteen minutes just to get inside the stadium. The Secret Service wasn't fucking around, either. Every bag was emptied and the contents sorted through. People were asked to turn on cell phones to prove that they were, in fact, cell phones. Like a lot of people, I have both my work badge and my SmarTrip card in a plastic holder. The guy inspecting my stuff actually looked in between the two cards. I'm not sure what he thought I might be hiding there, but hooray thoroughness, I guess.

McNabb was obviously a popular topic of conversation. Philly fans were full of false bravado about the trade, and I know it was false, because they were trying way too hard (i.e., "Thank you so much for taking him!", "He's your problem now!", etc.). A few people wore McNabb jerseys to the game. One guy put tape over McNabb's name, and wrote "37th Draft Pick, 2010." That was funny.

On the way to my seat, a Phillies fan--who, in a shocking development, was already half-drunk--noticed my Nats cap, came up, put his arm around me, and asked how it felt rooting for a crappy team. I just said, "You get used to it," which seemed to throw him off his game, like he was expecting me to take offense, deny the Nats' crappiness, and challenge him to a fight for the honor of my team. At that point, he did a 180, and admitted that it wasn't that long ago that the Phillies sucked, and who knows, with Strasburg (which he slurred, "Straaaasbrug") maybe the Nats might turn it around, too. I'm glad he turned out to not be a complete asshole, but Jesus, if you're going to be "That Guy," commit to the bit, you know?

That little red speck is the President of the United States. When he donned his White Sox cap after taking the mound, a disapproving murmur went through the crowd, but I don't really see what the big deal was. Are we going to insist that upon moving to D.C., Obama was magically supposed to become a Nats fan? I've been living in this area for almost 25 years, and I'm barely a Nats fan.

The game itself sucked. I have Ryan Howard on my fantasy team, so it wasn't a total loss. For anyone not from Philly or who didn't have Ryan Howard on their fantasy team, it must have really sucked.

On the way out of the stadium after the eighth inning, I passed by a situation that seemed to be on the verge of escalating. I'm not entirely sure what happened, but it appeared to involve a thrown beer bottle. The guy in the stripped shirt (a Phillies fan) had obviously had a few, and the usher seemed to think he was responsible, and kept trying to get to the bottom of what had happened. At one point, his far-more-sober friend tried to lead him away when the usher's back was turned, but it's hard to make a getaway while burdened with a drunk friend. So when the usher noticed them sneaking off, she was able to quickly jump in front of them and stop them until security arrived.

A minute later, security did arrive, and a wild-eyed Nats fan ran up the stairs and started demanding to know who had thrown the bottle at him. But given all the yellow shirts that were present, I could tell that there probably wasn't going to be a brawl (or even a mildly interesting confrontation), and decided to leave.

So, a fun day was had by all. Unless you were a Nats fan.

(In the interest of maintaining harmony inside the ballpark, though, I really do think all Phillies fans should be banned. Fucking monsters, the lot of them. Of course, yesterday, that would have meant that the stadium would have only been 1/4 full. But still. Harmony!)

24: 7:00 a.m.-8:00 a.m

Thoughts:

-- I guess that ends the adventures of Jim, the charming CTU security guard. Too bad. That guy had spin-off potential.

-- Okay, if I'm Cole, I'm obviously pissed off and feeling betrayed and all that. So I get where his head was at, when he pulled Dana out of the car and came really close to putting a bullet in her brain. But at the same time, she's still really very hot, even all bloody and glaring. So once all this Hassan nonsense was over with, I guess my first question would be, "Are conjugal visits a possibility?"

-- Jesus, are there ever actually any consequences to working with terrorists on this show? It seems like all you have to do is ask for an immunity agreement, and Jack puts in a call to the president.

-- If terrorists are going to cut off Hassan's head, I hope they keep it as a souvenir. That hair is too amazing to be cremated or put in a coffin.

-- "This goes against my every instinct. So you need to promise me you'll stand right behind me and do everything I say." I always love it when Jack/Renee dialogue could either be instructions for a raid or bedroom talk, depending on the circumstances.

-- Ah, well. Sucks to be Hassan right now. But at least the hair made it.

-- Wait, hold up. The show just tried pull a fast one at the end. According to the clock, Hassan was alive at about 7:42. A couple more minutes go by before the end of the scene when Samir puts his mask on, at which point it's roughly 7:45. Just a couple of minutes after that, the president starts watching what everyone thinks is a live feed. So basically, Samir somehow pre-recorded a ten minute tape in the span of about two minutes, killed Hassan, and then fled the scene.

I know 24 sometimes takes liberties with the timeline, like how long it takes to get from Point A to Point B, but I can't ever recall them being this lazy before. This was just terrible, terrible writing.

Jack's confirmed kills: 4 (22 for the season)

Jack's Words of Wisdom: "You little bitch. Let me explain something to you. The only reason you have any leverage right now is because President Hassan is still alive. So stop screwing with me!"

Overall grade: B-

24: 6:00 a.m.-7:00 a.m

Thoughts:

-- What the fuck? President Hassan takes down Jack with a blow from behind? No way. At most, Jack should have felt a slight breeze as the pipe came down on his head. Also, considering that the general's soldiers were trying to kill everyone but Hassan, I'm not sure giving him his gun back was the smartest move.

-- I loved Grand Theft Bauer, but what owner of a Hyundai that sweet is going to leave the keys in the ignition in the middle of New York?

-- Rob's clearly an asshole, and he's going to be really popular in prison. But he was right! If they hadn't given Hassan to the terrorists, New York would have been destroyed! This sort of moral conundrum is something new for this show, which usually only takes a black and white view of...well, everything. I was half-expecting the bomb to turn out to be a fake, with the terrorists still having the real one, thus proving Jack right. It's a shame the writers waited until the show was cancelled before deciding to be interesting.

-- I'm glad Jack's feeling all self-righteous while talking to Bishop, but frankly, all he really did was fail to stop Bishop from saving New York. Doesn't that make Jack the bad guy?

-- Renee on the prospect of a mole inside CTU: "How is that possible?" Oh, come on. Renee was in the FBI. Are you telling me that every other intelligence/law enforcement agency didn't used to make fun of CTU and how easily terrorists would infiltrate it?

Jack's confirmed kills: 0 (18 for the season)

Jack's Words of Wisdom: "You betrayed your president and your country. Get him out of here."

Overall grade: B+

Passing on Clash of the Titans

With the rash of film remakes, reboots, and reimaginings over the past few years, I find myself transitioning more and more into my Grumpy Old Man era, where I automatically assume pretty much any sort of remake is going to suck for no other reason than that it's a newer version of something old.

Now, I'm not going to claim that the original Clash of the Titans is a masterpiece. But when you're five or six years old, and your babysitter lets you stay up late to watch it on TV? It's the fucking greatest film ever made. It's also one of the first movies I ever remember watching. So I have no small amount of sentimental attachment to it, and frankly, am not really thrilled it's being remade.

But I was still going to go see it this weekend. Then, feeling nostalgic yesterday, I watched this on YouTube:

And there's just no way Louis Leterrier, Sam Worthington, and CGI can top that scene. So I'll wait for the DVD and just blow the money I was going to spend on the film on comics or cigars or something.

Panel of the Week

From Blackest Night #8: