The Real World D.C.: Episode #14

Thoughts:

-- Given how dull this season has been, I guess it makes sense for it to end with Callie deciding to put on an art exhibition, of all things. Frankly, I think MTV would have preferred a big hot tub party. Or, hey, if anyone on the show had volunteered at the RNC instead these hippie jobs they got, they apparently could have found people into lesbian bondage stuff. That would have made a great finale.

-- Ah, man, I love Jim Moran. He's a great liberal, he's fucking nuts in a good way (a few years ago, an 8 year-old kid attempted to mug him, and Moran's reaction was that he might want to adopt him), and when I was, like, 18 or so, he was my congressman, and I went to his Alexandria office to talk to him about something or other, and when I was walking out, I overheard him tell one of his aides that I was a smart kid.

Yes, that's really all it takes to get me to like you. Tell me I'm smart. It's sad, really.

-- Andrew has a valid point about photography being easier than painting (and more importantly, neither he, nor Emily, seem anywhere near as excited about this thing as Callie does), but still, his work ethic is practically nonexistent. Maybe he'll be able to make it in fine art, but other than Image Comics circa 1994, I can't think of any other circumstance a cartoonist can be as lazy as Andrew and still succeed.

-- Where are all these comments about "the Panda being tamed" that people keep making, coming from? I mean, let's not mistake Andrew's desperation and willingness to bring home pretty much anything this season, with his being some sort of ladies man. He finally met a hot chick after sleeping with a few...well, not hot chicks. Of course he's going to latch onto her.

-- Gay or straight, two guys getting into a playful slapping match--or whatever the hell that was--is...weird. Really weird.

-- The Equal Rights March seemed to have a great turnout. I'm sure if I'd turned on Fox News that day, they would have given it the same amount of coverage as one of their little Tea Party things.

-- The bit where everyone made out with each other and/or stripped or whatever, was oddly sweet, but someone buy Andrew a pair of boxer shorts. Or in very least, boxer briefs. Please.

-- I can't blame the housemates for getting overly-emotional as they leave the house. If I were being forced to move out of my rent-free mansion and give up my MTV-subsidized, responsibility-free lifestyle, I'd be crying, too.

Welcome to the real world, kids.

Real World Wisdom:

Ty: "Do you know how hard it is to do art?"

Mike: "Ow! And my face hurts! This hurts! I have a bruise! Under my eye!"

Andrew: "From living with these people, I've learned that you might not like yourself that much, but at least you could be worse. You could be one of them."

24: 5:00 a.m.-6:00 a.m

Thoughts:

-- So...Manhattan is under the threat of nuclear annihilation, and the president wants Jack to take a break from trying to catch the terrorists so he can escort a foreign leader to safety? Conservatives would have a fucking field day with that.

And why does Jack "have to do this alone"? That seems like a fairly dramatic statement for such an undramatic assignment.

-- Hey, it's Christina Cox, one of my favorite hottie Canadian actresses. She looks better as a blonde, but I'm not complaining. I'll bet Jack's kicking himself for giving Renee a promise ring, or whatever the hell it was he did.

-- That speech was the first time I've ever liked President Taylor. Who knew a chick could be president? Maybe I should have voted for Hillary after all.

-- Last week, it was the unwelcome return of the CTU mole. This week, it's the conspiracy within the administration to save the country from the hippie president. It's depressing how many of the exact same beats the show keeps hitting year after year instead of trying something new.

-- Jesus, really, Jack? You're just going to leave Christina Cox there to die, because you have orders to stay with Hassan? I mean, it's not like you've never broken orders before. This was an awfully convenient time to start following them.

-- I'm a little bummed Fox was so quick to put together a "it's the final season" promo. Losing 24 and Lost in the same season? At a certain point, you have to wonder if there's any reason to keep on living.

Jack's confirmed kills: 6 (18 for the season)

Jack's Words of Wisdom: "I don't take orders from anybody but the President of the United States. Now move."

Overall grade: A-

Google and the Freaks Who Use It

More of the Google searches that brought people here.

"how to get laid as a teenager" - Teenager or adult, I can't think of a worse blog to come to for this advice. I'm still waiting for someone to tell me how.

"mayor fenty open relationship" - I very much doubt this is true. The only other lady Mayor Fenty has time for is named Washington, D.C. And it's an abusive relationship.

"dan snyder asshole"
"dan snyder is evil"
"dan snyder must die" - I understand the first two, but "must die" is a bit much. Besides, the team would just be inherited by more Snyders. And it's not like those kids of his aren't evil assholes, too. Even if they are under ten.

"dating guys on the Hill in DC" - I'm not sure if this was a "Should I?" question or a "How do I?" question. If it's the former, the answer is obviously, "No." If it's the latter, the answer is, "Walk into any bar within a five-block radius of the Capitol, look for an extremely self-satisfied 23-year old in a cheap suit, and buy him a drink."

"where is freddie prinze jr now" - Probably regretting he took the role on 24. Regardless of how you feel about Down To You, no one deserves to be a part of that retarded Dana subplot.

"kadee strickland covered in Chocolate" - Ever since I first saw her in The Grudge, I've had a thing for Kadee Strickland. But now that it's been brought up, I think I actually would dig her more if she were covered in chocolate. Hot.

"archie fucks betty"
"archie fucks veronica" - The fascinating thing here, is that these searches came within just a few minutes of each other, from two different people in different parts of the world. Some guy from Reston is into Betty, while the other guy, in Chile of all places, is a Veronica man. Regardless, they're both out of luck. There is no fucking in Riverdale.

"commissioner gordon spanks robin fanfiction" - Ew. Look, I've read Bratpack, and as sick as that comic was, nothing in it grossed me out as much as this particular visual.

"Did Ted Levine Kill Corey Haim" - The guy from Silence of the Lambs and Monk?!? I'm almost positive he didn't. But if in fact Ted Levine is a murderer, he did a great job of making it look like an accidental overdose. This may be something Corey Feldman should investigate. Goonies-style.

Panel of the Week

From Nemesis #1:

Pregnant pause

One of my pet peeves is reading articles, blogs, whatever, about how men in D.C. don't offer their seats on the Metro to the elderly, physically handicapped people, pregnant women, etc. It annoys me, because I constantly see guys offer to give up their seats. Sometimes a little too aggressively. Like this guy I've written about before, who used to ride my bus and who would literally offer his seat to every woman who boarded. Even to the point where he'd get up, walk the length of the bus, and tap a woman on the shoulder to let her know a seat is available. Seeing the earnestness with which he did this, I don't even think he was trying to get laid or anything. I think it was just a behavior programmed into him when he was a kid, that he can't shake as an adult. Kind of like how my parents were so goddamn insistent I say, "Excuse me," when I belched as a kid, that I reflexively do so now, even if there's no one else in the room.

If I'm on the Metro, I'll give up my seat to a pregnant woman or anyone handicapped, no questions asked. Aside from being the right thing to do, I know if I don't, everyone else on the train or bus will be silently judging me the whole time. When it comes to old people, though, I use what I like to think of as The Golden Girls Scale:

If someone looks to be Sophia's age, I'll offer him/her my seat.

If someone looks to be Rose's age, I'll probably offer him/her my seat.

If someone looks to be Dorothy's age, I might offer him/her my seat, depending on my mood or how much further I have to go, but probably not.

If someone looks to be Blanche's age, I ain't moving.

But like I said, pregnant women are pretty much a no-brainer, so when one got on the train a couple of nights ago, I immediately felt an urge to offer her my seat before I remembered that I was already standing up. I glanced over at the people sitting down, and was surprised to see that they were all women, except for one guy next to the window who seemed to be asleep. The pregnant woman wandered over in their direction, and reached up and grabbed onto one of the handrails. It's not like these women were engrossed in magazines or their iPods or whatever, either, so I figured it was only a matter of of moments before one of them offered her a seat.

Not one of them did. And when I got off three stops later, she was still standing. The moral of the story: Women can be dicks, too.

Now, according to movie science, it's only a matter of time until men can get pregnant. And you better believe, if I'm in my second trimester and I see a woman not offering me her seat on the Metro, I will kick her ass out of it. Obviously, I shouldn't have to. It should be offered. Solidarity in sisterhood, and all that. But after this experience? Who knows?

The Real World D.C.: Episode #13

Thoughts:

-- Sure, because when you think of a September 11th Day of Remembrance and Service, you think, hey, let's get the cast of The Real World. This is the sort of hokey stuff that gets on my nerves about this show, because you know damn well that this was a producer decision, and not a random decision by the housemates to do some charity. Ah, well. At least they seemed to be enjoying themselves, and not just counting down the minutes until Rhino opened.

-- "Are you guys gay?" Really? That close to DuPont? Must have been a tourist.

-- Like with the 9/11 thing, I'm always curious about how much free will the people on this show had, versus what the producers told them they had to do. Take Josh inviting Ty and Andrew to his cousin's wedding in Philly. It's just such a bizarre thing for someone to do. One of my cousins got married a couple of years ago. I didn't go myself, much less, invite a couple of friends of mine to drive out to her home and attend the wedding. So did Josh really come up with the idea on his own? Did MTV say, "Hey, Josh, here's a great idea..." Or did MTV just flat-out say, "Ty? Andrew? Pack your bags, you're going to Josh's cousin's wedding"?

-- Not really wild about Philly making a cameo in D.C.'s season. I'd long since stopped watching this show when The Real World: Philadelphia aired, but I'm guessing no one in that season traipsed down to D.C. for a weekend. MTV should really respect NFC East rivalries. Also, Philly cheesesteaks are the most fucking overrated food in the world. Yeah. I went there.

-- Because I'm not a character in American Pie, a Penthouse Forum letter writer, or Ty, I've never had a friend's hot mom flirt with me, so I'm not really sure about the ethics involved in reciprocating. I can see why Josh finds the whole thing unsettling, but on the other hand, when else is his mom going to get that sort of opportunity?

-- I hate to admit it, but I kind of like Wicked Liquid. Somewhere right now, Erika is watching this episode, moping.

Real World Wisdom:

Josh: "Quit clocking my mother."

Chuck Versus Bad Comic Books

Normally, I'd appreciate this sort of rarely-seen product placement. But I'm really not thrilled to find out that Chuck not only reads Titans (or read, I guess, now that it's been mercifully cancelled), but apparently thinks so much of it, he has a promotional poster for it hanging up in his apartment.

The Intersect may know kung fu, but it has lousy taste in comic books.

24: 4:00 a.m.-5:00 a.m

Thoughts:

-- When Hastings was telling Chloe why he was not okay, I was hoping Chloe would tell him all the shit she's been through over the past six seasons, and for Christ's sake, to sack up and stop whining. An EMP goes off in CTU? How about a fucking bomb? Or nerve gas? Or terrorist invasion? All things being equal, a blackout is pretty tame stuff.

-- It's a good thing Kayla's hot, because she's annoying as hell. Where does she get off being all, "I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what's going on"? And after being dragged out of her car and seeing the EMP go off, she really has to be told that she's the one responsible for the blackout CTU's experiencing?

-- I'm not really wild about Renee, of all people, giving Chloe a pep talk. It seems like Chloe's being written uncharacteristically timid in this episode. I was half-expecting her to kick the NSA guy in the balls, but in the very least, you'd think she'd just go to Hastings and tell him that the NSA guy's acting like a dick.

-- Okay, never mind. I guess pulling a gun on him is better than kicking him in the balls.

-- Agent King might as well have been wearing a red shirt. I am surprised that Owen bought it, though. I mean, not really surprised or anything, since Owen also seemed like a strong candidate for a red shirt when he was first introduced, and I didn't think he'd last this long. But it was pretty sudden. I guess the moral is, don't fucking disobey Jack Bauer.

-- I just deleted the disgusted paragraph I wrote about how insanely, unforgivably stupid it was for Dana to murder Bill and hide his body in the walls of CTU. (How the hell many buildings have detachable panels, anyway?) But the revelation that Dana's a terrorist mole makes the scene--and to a lesser extent, her whole stupid subplot--somewhat easier to accept. Not better. Just easier to buy.

But it's a bit disappointing that after all this time, the writers can't come up with anything better than going to the mole well, yet again.

Jack's confirmed kills: 2 (12 for the season)

Jack's Words of Wisdom: "There's nothing we can do for him now."

Overall grade: B

The Teabagger Justice League

The real teabagger crazies apparently came out on Saturday, so on this, day two of the latest Republican temper tantrum over the fact that America is still a democracy even when Republicans aren't in power, I didn't see anywhere near the same level of absurdity that took place yesterday or back in September.

What I did find though, much to my surprise? Capes! Which, as I understand it, based on years of reading comic books, can mean only one thing: The formation of a brand new new superhero team!

No, not that Justice League. This one:

I'm not sure what superhero names they'd use. After all, pretty much all the good ones have been taken by now. Gadsden Man, maybe? The Right (Wing) Knight? I'm sure one of them would try calling himself Captain America until Marvel sent him a cease and desist.

But if any of them need a kid sidekick, this one seems like he'd make a good one.

Panel of the Week

From Superman 80-Page Giant #1:

The Real World D.C.: Episode #12

Thoughts:

-- I guess even the influence of MTV and The Real World has its limits. They can get Andrew a meeting with Tom Toles, arguably the best political cartoonist in the business, but when Andrew inquires about working at the Washington Post, Toles's answer is basically, "Heh. No."

And what's up with Andrew asking Toles if he wanted one of his original strips? Bill Watterson can get away with that shit. Anyone else, it's just cocky and kind of awkward.

-- Speaking of awkward: Erika flying in a guy to bang Callie. And speaking of banging: What's Ashley been up to this whole time? Aside from making out with Mike before she found out he was gay (bi, whatever, I can't keep track), it seems like she's basically been a nun.

-- Going from the Washington Post to the Washington Times is sort of like going from Morton's to Burger King (less metaphorically, it's also going from the heart of the city to out in the sticks), but there have to be thousands of unemployed journalism school graduates watching this, just furious at the opportunities Andrew's being handed left and right. I'm also not sure what being a political cartoonist has to do with shadowing the paper's Senior White House Correspondent, but this is really just about getting Obama on the show, so in that sense, it's easy to see why MTV set this gig up.

-- It's funny to hear one Real World cast member with a fake job whining about another Real World cast member's fake job. Suck it up, Mike.

-- I'm sure Andrew's ambition to become a political cartoonist won't be at all negatively impacted by the fact that he knows nothing about politics. Actually, he could probably make a great living as a conservative cartoonist. Just draw Obama as Hitler, and right wingers will go wild.

-- Erika's boyfriend's exasperated sigh as Callie storms out sort of said it all. Good luck with that, dude.

-- I'm sure Andrew's ambition to become a political cartoonist also won't be at all negatively impacted by the fact that he needs a few days to come up with a cartoon. And way to go, Joe Scopin, for actually treating this like a job and not a day camp for bored Real World-ers.

-- If Andrew really thinks that Joe's request, blunt as it was, to get the assignment in, qualifies as "yelling and mean words," I don't see him succeeding in the high pressure world of deadline journalism. You want a treat to motivate you, Andrew? How about a damn paycheck?

-- Okay, now that we actually get to see Andrew's drawing? The kid has talent. It's not the most original concept for a cartoon, but it looks great. Honestly, he should forget about political cartooning and get into comic books. Easier deadlines, and potentially, a lot more money.

-- Ashley's melodramatic hot tub exit was a bit over-the-top, but she was pretty much right. Who wants to be told, "I hate it here, but I'm willing to stay and be completely miserable because it's what you guys want"?

-- For the record, Erika wanting to leave isn't because of her housemates or her boyfriend. It's because D.C. didn't bow down before the awesomeness of Erika's mad singing skills, and musicians didn't line up a mile deep for the chance to be in her band. And while it's possible I'm just biased (or tone deaf), based on her "farewell performance," I still say her voice sucks.

Real World Wisdom:

Mike: "And I told her to go to the Holocaust Museum, because if she felt bad about her life...and she's doing it. She's going to the Holocaust Museum. Because if you feel bad about your life, that place will make you so humble."

Andrew: "He's just mad because he thinks I'm a total screw-up."

Erika: "I'm hoping they'll say, 'Hey, Erika, we will literally tie you down and not allow you to leave.'"

Emily: "And then there was seven."

Reliable Sourced

I always knew I'd make it into the Washington Post's Reliable Source column one day. (For non-Washingtonians, The Reliable Source is sort of like the New York Post's infamous Page Six column, except instead of movie stars and socialites, it mostly features politicians, local celebrities, and women who just like to pretend they're socialites.)

I was hoping to make it in because I married a wealthy Middle Eastern diplomat/oil sheik's daughter in a big, splashy Washington wedding. Realistically, though, I knew it was far more likely that I'd end up there after being arrested streaking in front of the White House in an intoxicated state or something. (Getting caught crashing a state dinner was my back-up plan, but people beat me to it.)

But I'll take this.

24: 3:00 a.m.-4:00 a.m

Thoughts:

-- Tonight's episode is the "big twist" they've been promising for the past week. Usually, whenever the Fox promo department gets this worked up, the president is revealed to be a psycho or a nuclear bomb goes off in Los Angeles or something. Given how relatively safe they've been playing it this season, it'd be nice to see something along those lines happen, but I'm not especially hopeful. If I were to predict tonight's twist as a percentage in terms of shock value, I'll say 60%.

-- So did Tarin have a magic gun or did someone forget to make the NYPD's bulletproof vests bulletproof?

-- I somehow doubt a probation officer can get access to a secure government facility at three in the morning, in the middle of a terrorist attack on New York. But I guess there's no reason to think this subplot should start making sense now.

-- I wonder if that's really what the Arabic version of Windows looks like. Regardless, I wish Fox would make that wallpaper available for download. You could put it on your computer and pretend you're President Hassad, with the big hair and the hot daughter and so on and so forth. Fun!

-- I was a bit annoyed we never heard about File 33 before this episode. But then I realized that if they had mentioned it beforehand and made us wonder what it was for a few weeks, the revelation would have been a major letdown, and right now, I'd probably be bitching about how lame File 33 turned out to be.

-- So this whole time, the terrorists were, like, a five minute drive from CTU headquarters? But then how did it take Jack and Cole almost half-an-hour to get...oh, never mind.

-- Oh, Christ, that wasn't even a 65% shock. At first, I figured it was a bomb in that car, and maybe the show was going to kill off a quarter of the supporting cast in one fell swoop. Maybe even Chloe. But an EMP? The only one who seemed to die was that idiot guard who tried to be a hero. 30%. At best.

Even worse, I just realized that since all the data Stephen Root wanted to look at is now erased, this prolongs the Dana subplot. Yay.

Jack's confirmed kills: 0 (10 for the season)

Jack's Words of Wisdom: "With all due respect, madame. Your family brought this threat to my country. We're doing the best we can."

Overall grade: B

Ghosts Don't Exist

There are few things more annoying in life than when a celebrity who's already successful at one thing announces that he or she also wants to be successful at something else. It's like, can't you just stay in your box and be happy with the great gig you already have? Plus, it rarely seems to end well. For every Justin Timberlake or Dwayne Johnson, there's a dozen awful ideas like Michael Jordan, baseball player. Or Ethan Hawke, author. Or Britney Spears, actress. Or Eddie Murphy, singer. Or Paris Hilton, actress and singer. Or...well, you get the point.

As such, when Chris Cooley announced that he was going to give filmmaking a shot by executive producing an independent horror film, my immediate reaction was, "Really, Roger Corman Jr.? This can't wait at least until after the Redskins win a Super Bowl?" But following the film's progress on his blog and on pre-sports talk WJFK, at least it appeared as though Cooley was really into it, and not just a guy with too much time, money, and ego on his hands. So when I went to the screening of the film on the final day of the D.C. Independent Film Festival, I wasn't sure what to expect.

Ultimately, though? Pretty damn good. It's not a perfect film by any means, and the ending is a bit of a mess. But overall, it's one of the best, most original ghost stories I've seen in a long time. Certainly better than last year's overly-hyped entry in the genre.

Phillip Roebuck plays Brett Wilson, the host of a Ghost Hunters-type TV show, who's still grieving the deaths of his wife and their unborn child. He's decided to quit the show, when he gets a phone call from Travis, a man claiming to have seen the ghost of Brett's wife. So Brett and his film crew, along with a professional debunker trying to prove the show's a fraud, head to Travis's home for the show's final episode. At which point Travis pulls out a gun, tells Brett he'll contact him from the other side to prove that in fact, ghosts do exist, and shoots himself in the head.

As far as plots go, that's pretty kick-ass. It helps that the film is surprisingly well-acted. I'm not going to say that it's the most polished acting (some of the pauses in between lines of dialogue seemed to go on forever), but given the level of talent you usually see in low-budget films, horror films, and especially, low-budget horror films, I was impressed. Roebuck is outstanding, Josh Davidson's debunker character entertainingly goes back and forth between likable and smarmy, and Devon Marie Burt and Frederick Cowie do a pretty good job with what are essentially just stock horror movie roles. There's also all kinds of fun to be had seeing local celebrity cameos like Lindsay Czarniak, Mike O'Meara, Todd Yoder, and Cooley himself.

And for the first 2/3s of the film or so, writer/director Eric Espejo takes all that and runs with it, maintaining a nice, creepy atmosphere as Brett and his team investigate the house and its undead inhabitants. But it's at that 2/3s mark that the film started to lose me, as we find out that things may not be quite what they seem. Which is then followed by an ending that's all over the place, including a weak twist seemingly thrown in just for the sake of having a twist, and a finish that, to call it overly-sappy, would be an understatement.

But while it has its flaws, Ghosts Don't Exist is a pretty solid ghost story and an impressive debut feature for Espejo. Plus, you get to see Lindsay Czarniak on a really big screen. If that alone doesn't warrant Oscar consideration, I don't know what does.

Seriously, though, Cooley: Get to work on that Super Bowl.

Script: B
Acting: C+
Gore: C-
Overall: B

Panel of the Week

From Batman and Robin #10:

The Real World D.C.: Episode #11

Thoughts:

-- It's a bit distracting how Andrea's hair goes back and forth between being down and tied back. I'm guessing this caused some headaches when the show had to edit together that sequence. Given all the rules that guests in the house supposedly had to follow (sign a release, no cell phones, etc.), I'm surprised "Don't fiddle with your hair" wasn't one of them.

-- Erika couldn't look more bored at the D.C. United game. I'm right there with you, Erika. In the very least, MTV could have sprung for Nats tickets. And this is may be the worst use of a green screen ever:

-- When they're not talking about their relationship or getting into physical altercations with each other, Emily and Ty are actually somewhat fascinating to me. MTV should do a spin-off where they serve as life coaches for different people each week, and basically act like the proverbial angel and devil that would always pop up on Bugs Bunny's shoulders and give conflicting advice.

-- The black and white Real World sex cam is weird and kind of creepy. That alone should be enough to dissuade people from wanting to be on this show.

-- I'd love to know how long Andrew and Ashley's relationship actually went on for. Because we've seen them meet, have sex, get into a serious relationship, and sort of dance around the topic of moving in together. Common sense says all of this took place over the course of a few weeks, if not a couple of months, but having it all condensed into less than an hour makes the whole thing seem bizarre and disjointed.

-- So was the NPR gig that Erika got rejected from not an MTV-arranged thing, like everyone else's "job" this season? Because if it was, she must have really fucked up that interview. It is kind of fun hearing her complain about how hard it is to get your foot in the door someplace, as though this isn't a problem faced by everyone else. It's almost like she's living in the real world as opposed to The Real World.

-- At one point, Andrew and Ashley pass by some ghost bikes on their walk, which was one of the dumber citizen temper tantrums D.C. has seen in recent memory.

-- I'm not sure someone who got to perform at the 9:30 Club should really be complaining about a lack of opportunities she's been given in D.C., but whatever. Don't let the door hit you on the way out, Erika.

Real World Wisdom:

Ashley: "She had big old boobies. Like, big old boobies."

Erika: "I am not there to shout and scream and sing songs I don't know and cheer for a team I don't know."

Andrew: "She's got so many problems. And I love girls with problems."

Callie: "No, D.C. is not my ideal city, either."

The Five Best Corey Haim Movies You've Never Seen

I always felt bad for Corey Haim. I'm not sure what he did to piss off God or Hollywood or whoever, but if you look at his IMDB page, he went from scoring big with 80s classics Lucas and The Lost Boys, to License To Drive and Dream a Little Dream (which, okay, not great movies, but they shouldn't have been career-killers, either), and then he went right off the cliff into straight-to-video obscurity.

Granted, most 80s teen actors didn't fare especially well once they could no longer play high school students, but it seemed like Haim (and of course, his fellow Corey, Feldman) got the really awful scripts that even the Judd Nelsons of the world passed on.

Some of them actually weren't half-bad, though. And because 10, 15 years ago, HBO was a lot more willing to run crappy, low budget movies than it was once it became "It's Not TV. It's HBO," I saw a fair number of them. (Not to mention other great films like Body Slam, starring Dirk Benedict and Roddy Piper, Miracle Beach, starring Dean Cameron and Ami Dolenz, and Troll 2 starring absolutely no one of any importance, although Sonny Bono was in the first one.)

So in memory of a great thespian taken before his time, here's my tribute to the oeuvre of Corey Haim.

1) The Double 0 Kid (1992)

Haim stars as an intern at the CIA or something. His boss asks him to take a package to California, where he runs into the always-entertaining Wallace Shawn, playing a Bond villain-esque psychopath whose gimmick is that he has a video game arcade in his basement where the games kill you if you can't beat them. Nicole Eggert plays Haim's spunky love interest, and Brigitte Nielsen plays some sort of dominatrix working for Shawn. Or maybe I'm confusing that with another movie she was in where she played a dominatrix. I'm pretty sure Brigitte Nielsen played dominatrices in almost all of her later films.

2) Fast Getaway II (1994)

Forget Fast Getaway, unless you're either really hard up for entertainment or a huge Cynthia Rothrock fan. In Fast Getaway II, Haim's character has moved on from robbing banks with his dad, to working as a security specialist with his hot female friend. I'm not sure I'd take security advice from a couple of kids in their mid-20s, but they seemed to be doing okay. At least until Rothrock shows up as the bad guy--er, gal--and starts kung-fu-ing stuff, prompting Haim's dad (Leo Rossi) to break out of prison to save his son. There's a lot of shooting and car chases, but sadly not enough to justify making a Fast Getaway III.

3) Demolition High (1996)

Remember how after Die Hard came out, for years, other action movies tried to replicate its formula? Some of the more notable attempts were Passenger 57 (Die Hard on a plane), Under Siege (Die Hard on a boat), Under Siege 2 (Die Hard on a train), and Toy Soldiers (Die Hard in a school). Well, someone evidently decided that last concept still had some juice, so they made this, finally giving Haim legit action hero cred. You're probably wondering if they made a sequel called Demolition University, and the answer is yes.

4) Fever Lake (1996)

The dynamic duo of Corey Haim and Mario Lopez star in this horror film about a bunch of college students who head up to a lake (a fevered lake, if you will) for vacation. As I recall, this film is mainly notable for bucking the horror movie tradition of gradually picking off stupid teen characters one by one, and leaves them alive until the last 15 minutes or so, at which point all of them get slaughtered. Oh, uh, SPOILER ALERT! Sorry.

5) Never Too Late (1997)

A rare dramatic turn for Haim found him in a supporting role alongside Academy Award winner Olympia Dukakis. Okay, I didn't actually see this one. I was just channel surfing one day and came across a scene with Corey Haim and Olympia Dukakis, and was sort of stunned. I'm sure it's worth watching, though.

So RIP, Corey. Drugs are a bitch, Hollywood's a cruel place, and you probably deserved a better career than the one you had. But you were Lucas, and at the end of that movie, you got the best slow clap ever. So you'll always be aces in my book.

24: 2:00 a.m.-3:00 a.m

Thoughts:

-- As the Dana/Cole idiocy has unfolded over the past several episodes, I've been wondering how the inevitable confrontation with Hastings would play out. I suspect that in real life, there'd be a lot more yelling and foul language, but I think the writers and Mykelti Williamson handled it just right. Hastings clearly wants to murder both of them, but he's smart enough to know he needs them.

-- I like Dana having to report to Chloe. It feels like the universe is back in sync. I'm less wild about Dana changing out of that completely office-inappropriate dress she was wearing at the beginning of the season, which I didn't even notice until Hastings brought it up.

-- I wish either the writers had come up with a better name for this season's fictional Middle Eastern country than "The Islamic Republic of Kamistan" or at least had the characters refer to it just as Kamistan. Every time Jack refers to the "IRK" it sounds really weird and unnatural.

-- Stephen Root! I'm a little conflicted. On one hand, this just serves to prolong all the bullshit with Dana. On the other hand, it's hard to imagine a situation where Stephen Root doesn't make this season better.

-- I'm not sure what this says about me, but I never love Jack Bauer more than when he's torturing or threatening to murder innocent relatives of terrorists. Also, there should be more scenes where Jack speaks to someone via video screen, making his face look really big and terrifying.

-- I'm sorry, but that scene with Jack trying and failing to disarm Marcos's bomb was so much better than the similar one in The Hurt Locker. Accordingly, I think it's only right that The Hurt Locker surrender it's Best Picture Oscar to 24. And man, that was a sweet blood splatter.

-- I really thought Kayla was going to turn out to be a terrorist. Instead, she's just the Middle Eastern Kim. Ah, well.

Jack's confirmed kills: 0 (10 for the season)

Jack's Words of Wisdom: "If you knew who I was and things I've done before in my life, you would know I'm not bluffing. So go ahead. Blow yourself up into a million little pieces. First thing I'm going to do is I'm going to make your mother come in here and clean it up. And then I'm going to take her to the blast site. Do you know how long it takes a human body to absorb a lethal dose of cesium-137? Five seconds. Followed by twelve days of pain that's so agonizing, morphine can't even touch it. You got a decision to make. Make it carefully."

Overall grade: A

Buffy Season 8

You probably didn't even know there was an eighth season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, did you?

For non-comic book readers: There have been Buffy comics since around the third season of the TV show. A lot of people seemed to like them, but the few I tried reading were pretty forgettable. Then a couple of years ago, Joss Whedon announced a relaunch that would effectively be the eighth season on the television series. He wrote the first story arc, and was followed up by an all-star cast of writers like Brian K. Vaughn, Jane Espenson, and Brad Meltzer.

Some of the story arcs have been better than other. The Faith one? Great. The Japanese vampires one? Really great. But others have meandered along with no apparent point to them other than to pad for time, and the lack of any sort of FX budget means the series has been able to go places where maybe it shouldn't have (Buffy time travels to the future, Buffy gets super powers, etc.).

Overall, though, it's been a pretty successful experiment, and well-worth checking out for any fan of the show.

This week's issue featured the reveal of the identity of this season's "Big Bad" (I loved Buffy, but God, I hate it for popularizing that stupid term, which has spread to pretty much every other genre show). I'm not going to spoil it, but depending on the way it plays out, it could be either a great twist or a really lame one. We'll find out soon, as the series is in the homestretch now, with Whedon returning in a few issues to write the finale.

If you're on the fence (love Buffy, but at the same time, "Ew! Comic books!"), most of the series has been collected into books, so you can go to the graphic novel section of Borders or Barnes & Noble, and flip through them to see if they're for you.

Honestly, though, it's worth reading just for the Andrew scenes alone.

Panel of the Week

From Green Hornet #1:

Oscar Picks

Best Picture

What will win: Avatar

What should win: Avatar

What shouldn't win: Up

What would win if we weren't bound by The Man and his crap list of nominees: Avatar

Best Director

Who will win: Kathryn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker

Who should win: James Cameron, Avatar

Who shouldn't win: Lee Daniels, Precious: Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire

Who would win if we weren't bound by The Man and his crap list of nominees: James Cameron

Best Actor

Who will win: George Clooney, Up In the Air

Who should win: Jeremy Renner, The Hurt Locker

Who shouldn't win: Morgan Freeman, Invictus

Who would win if we weren't bound by The Man and his crap list of nominees: Sam Rockwell, Moon

Best Actress

Who will win: Meryl Streep, Julie & Julia

Who should win: Meryl Streep

Who shouldn't win: Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side

Who would win if we weren't bound by The Man and his crap list of nominees: Rose Byrne, Adam

Best Supporting Actor

Who will win: Christoph Waltz, Inglourious Basterds

Who should win: Christoph Waltz

Who shouldn't win: Matt Damon, Invictus

Who would win if we weren't bound by The Man and his crap list of nominees: Christoph Waltz

Best Supporting Actress

Who will win: Maggie Gyllenhaal, Crazy Heart

Who should win: Anna Kendrick, Up In the Air

Who shouldn't win: Penélope Cruz, Nine

Who would win if we weren't bound by The Man and his crap list of nominees: Mélanie Laurent, Inglourious Basterds

Best Original Screenplay

Who will win: Mark Boal, The Hurt Locker

Who should win: Quentin Tarantino, Inglourious Basterds

Who shouldn't win: Tom McCarthy, Bob Peterson and Pete Docter, Up

Who would win if we weren't bound by The Man and his crap list of nominees: Sam Raimi and Ivan Raimi, Drag Me to Hell

Best Adapted Screenplay

Who will win: Jason Reitman and Sheldon Turner, Up In the Air

Who should win: Jason Reitman and Sheldon Turner

Who shouldn't win: Jesse Armstrong, Simon Blackwell, Armando Iannucci and Tony Roche, In the Loop

Who would win if we weren't bound by The Man and his crap list of nominees: Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman, Star Trek

Best Animated Feature

What will win: Up

What should win: Fantastic Mr. Fox

What shouldn't win: Coraline

What would win if we weren't bound by The Man and his crap list of nominees: Fantastic Mr. Fox

Best Foreign Language Film

What will win: No idea

What should win: Don't know

What shouldn't win: Don't care

What would win if we weren't bound by The Man and his crap list of nominees: Dead Snow

The Real World D.C.: Episode #10

Thoughts:

-- "I didn't fall on this area. Touch this," Andrew mumbles to Emily, as he points at his crotch. Heh. Damn you, Andrew, for making me like you again. Whether he was exaggerating the pain or not, I think it's hard to argue that Andrew falling off the porch is the most interesting thing to happen all season. Which is a shame, because the season's almost over.

-- As far as interventions go, this one sort of went off the rails. First, no one thought to ask Andrew if he was on board with it, and even though Mike's right that it's not just about him, Andrew doing his best impression of battered women's syndrome and declaring the whole thing an overreaction, took some of the wind out of everyone else's sails

-- Good God, Andrew. $80 a week on comic books? Even at my fanboy peak, I never came close to spending that much. I'm not sure if I'm horrified or impressed at Andrew's commitment to his collecting, but his friends and family were right: He clearly needed to get laid.

-- Emily and Mike are really the only two adults in a house full of children, but unfortunately, Mike seems to disappear when there's a confrontation, leaving Emily to carry the load by herself. It's a shame, but I'd be lying if I said seeing her gradually lose her mind over the course of the season hasn't made for some interesting television.

-- Ty's internship (sorry: "internship") with the Capitals is really the first time I've actually been sort of jealous of these great gigs the Real World kids seem to land so effortlessly. And I don't even like hockey. I feel bad for that guy who I know is out there, who's been sending in resume after resume, and has to be pulling his hair out right now.

-- In regards to Ty and Emily's argument, I'm kind of with Ty. Where does she get the right to unilaterally kick him out of the house for drinking? I mean, if she'd complained to the producers about not feeling safe right after he'd gotten physical with her or with Andrew, that'd be one thing. But I'm not sure she then gets to make rules about his behavior, even common sense ones, and then gets to throw him out.

Real World Wisdom:

Andrew: "I'm sick of all you people."

Ty: "I made a deal with the roommates that I wouldn't drink for the rest of the time in this house. Unfortunately, the more I think about it, the more I realize that deal is very unfair."

Emily: "You were okay with him throwing you off a balcony. But I, however, was not."

Sorry, Washington women. It's burlap sacks and overalls for you from now on.

Rogers's departure has the fashion industry practically in mourning. No one has expressed a whiff of excitement over her replacement, Julianna Smoot. Instead, there's concern that Washington might end up in cultural retreat.

"I think it would be sad if we all decided to bury Washington fashion now that Desirée's left town and to conclude that every ambitious woman inside the Beltway should just pull on her pantsuit and her sensible shoes from here on out," says Glamour Editor in Chief Cindi Leive. "I'd like to think that we're a little past that and that we realize that the average person is capable of caring about what she wears to work and still doing a good job when she gets there." (Washington Post)

Rogers has been vilified for mingling with guests instead of manning the door when the Salahis dropped in uninvited to November's state dinner — a criticism that strikes us as entirely unfair, but that's another column for another day. What makes us saddest about Rogers' departure is the blow it serves to D.C.'s style scene — and to fashion-loving professional women everywhere. (The Express)

I don't know or care much about women's fashion. But I do get sick of these insipid "Woe is D.C.," articles that serve mainly to, in general, emphasize this city's weird inferiority complex when it comes to other places (whether it's in regards to fashion or sports fandom), or, in particular, whine about how Everything Is So Much Better in New York.

Women make up the majority of people in D.C. I know this, because a locally-shot Budweiser commercial once told me they do. On any given day, I see tons of of women in this city. I work with them. I ride the Metro with them. I pass them on the street. Occasionally, when I can be coaxed out of my cave, I even socialize with them. And yes, some of them wear pantsuits to work. Especially in winter.

But plenty of others wear jeans. Or dresses. Or skirts. Or outfits, being a guy, I'm not really sure what they're called.

So it's not like women here are as unfamiliar with the concept of dressing nicely as the Cindi Leives of the world would have us believe. As such, I'm not sure how much influence Desiree Rogers ever really had or was supposed to have. Granted, I don't travel in the same social circles as the people here who New York is apparently desperate to sell designer clothes to, but I've never once overheard someone say, "Did you see what Desiree Rogers was wearing?" And I get bored easily, and I eavesdrop on a lot of conversations, so I think there's a decent chance I would, in fact, have overheard such a thing if people were saying it. The only people in D.C. who really seemed overly-awed by Desiree Rogers's fashion sense, either work for the Washington Post or are Desiree Rogers.

But hey, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe we actually are screwed. To find out, let's look through the photo gallery that accompanies the Post story to get an idea of what this fashionista takeover of D.C. was supposed to look like.

Photo #1: Rogers looks okay. For Fashion Week, I mean. But in a professional setting? It would look weird. Not just "in D.C." weird, either. Weird.

Photo #2: Again, I know nothing about fashion. So maybe this one is a winner. But to me, it looks like the sort of outfit that, if a celebrity wore it to the Oscars, people on E! would make catty comments about the next day.

Photo #3: Okay, this one I like. It's a very nice, very elegant gown. But I'm guessing it's also not that much of a departure from the gowns that women here already wear to this sort of event.

Photo #4: I can't tell because of the hedges, but...is that a pantsuit? The horror!

Photo #5: Nice, but also no big deal. I see variations of this outfit whenever I go to Georgetown on a Saturday night.

Photo #6: I don't like this one. It looks like something a flasher would wear.

Photo #7: It's nice, but it also looks hella uncomfortable. Great for a "tribute luncheon," not so much for eight hours spent in the office.

So in short, I don't think losing out on Desiree Rogers's influence will bring D.C. to its knees. Some way, some how, the republic will endure. Even if it does so while wearing a pantsuit.

24: 1:00 a.m.-2:00 a.m

Thoughts:

-- I feel bad for Freddie Prinze Jr. I mean, put yourself in his shoes. Your acting career isn't going especially great. Your wife's acting career isn't going especially great. Then all of a sudden, your agent calls and says you got a role on 24, as a hotshot CTU agent. Better yet, the hot chick from Battlestar Galactica? She's your love interest!

Then the scripts start coming in, and you realize that while Jack Bauer is off saving the world, your character is helping his idiot fiancee cover up a murder. There goes any chance of that spin-off you were dreaming about. On the bright side, it frees you up to make Summer Catch 2. If you can find anyone who wants to make Summer Catch 2, I mean.

-- When they had that shot of President Taylor and President Hassan sitting across from one another, I really wanted him to shout, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" Granted, it wouldn't have made a whole lot of sense in the context of the scene, but it would have been funny.

-- "I've never felt so happy," is when I realized that Kayla must be a terrorist. No one is that happy on this show. No one!

-- I'm not, like, a huge Mare Winningham fan or anything (is there even such a thing?), but I would think she'd be too big for the always thankless relative-of-a-terrorist role on this show.

-- So judging by what Jack's saying to Owen, I guess Cole is the only CTU agent with any significant field experience? I don't get how the government can buy CTU their spiffy, ultra-futuristic new headquarters, but totally forget to spring for experienced agents, or, in Dana's case, even cursory background checks.

-- I really hate seeing Renee as this helpless victim type. Either have her be the fun, cool chick from last season, or the borderline psycho from earlier this season, but the emotional train wreck bit is kind of a buzzkill.

-- Apparently, Jack's also realized that Owen doesn't have much time to live, because he's being really reckless with the kid's life. Telling him to do whatever the teen terrorist says? Including giving him a gun? Jesus, he's going to die at some point in the next few hours, Jack. No need to speed him on his way.

-- Okay, I normally don't discuss the previews for next week's episode. But the actor they showed? Might actually redeem this stupid Cole/Dana crap.

Jack's confirmed kills: 0 (10 for the season)

Jack's Words of Wisdom: "Mr. Hassan, in a few seconds I'm going to show you photographs of covert operatives working for your country within the United States. I need you to identify the men who stole the nuclear rods from you. Can you do that for us?"

Overall grade: C+