Panel of the Week

From The Flash: Rebirth #6:

The Real World D.C.: Episode #9

Thoughts:

-- The whole sequence with Andrew and the tattooed chick he brought home was all kinds of uncomfortable to watch. Made all the more so by Andrew acting like this was a sexual conquest akin to climbing Mt. Everest, when--let's face it--he basically just walked up a small hill.

-- I kind of miss the days when Josh was only on for about five minutes an episode. But so long as he is going to be on, I hope they show more phone calls between him and his mom. You don't encounter many mothers advising their sons to treat their girlfriends like crap. Or calling their sons "dude."

-- It seems like MTV cut out some potentially useful context in that fight between Emily and Chelsea, Josh's one night stand. Like, what was said before Josh came into the room? Who are those two guys sitting in the kitchen? I guess it's possible Chelsea was just a psycho (and wouldn't you kind of have to be to go home with someone on this show in the first place?), but it seems likely there was something we didn't see.

-- "I want to have sex with her again. Why else would you take a girl on a date?" In roughly one half of one episode, Andrew has used up all the goodwill he and his panda hat built up over the previous eight. The only thing worse than a misogynist is a guy who isn't a misogynist going out of his way to act like he is. It's great that Andrew has finally figured out how to leverage being on a reality show into regular sex, but the cockiness is misplaced.

-- I know there's a school of thought that says if you break-up with your girlfriend prior to sleeping with another woman, that's somehow more honorable than sleeping with another woman prior to breaking up with your girlfriend. And I guess I see the logic in that. But I think when you do it right before you sleep with someone else--over the phone, no less--you don't really get to pat yourself on the back.

-- That was a really awkward goodbye between Josh and Kelly Ann. If you're not prepared to do the walk of shame in front of not just the other people in the house, but indeed, all of America, it's probably best not to go home with someone on the show.

-- Andrew's drunken wail of pain after getting pushed off the porch was brutal to listen to. But since we know he comes out of it okay--or if he didn't, MTV's done a fucking great job of keeping his death under wraps--and because he was acting like such an asshole throughout the episode, I was able to laugh at it, pretty much entirely guilt-free.

Real World Wisdom:

Andrew: I meet this girl named Erica. She's so dumb. Oh, my God. But, you know, I'm not going to hold that against her."

Ashley: "The guys here don't act like men."

Josh: "I'm only a man and I can't help myself. I don't know what else to tell you."

Erika: "Kelly Ann is nice. But she's old. And she's a home wrecker."

Guest Blogger Dan Snyder

Hey! Long time, no blog, eh? Needless to say, in spite of an overall horrible season, it's been an exciting few months at Redskins Park.

That whole unfortunate snafu, with us getting caught suing unemployed senior citizen season ticket holders and selling tickets to brokers instead of fans, was resolved to the satisfaction of everyone involved, and all was forgiven. At least, I'm assuming.

I fired former best friend and pseudo-general manager, Vinny Cerrato, and hired new best friend and real general manager, Bruce Allen. There isn't a whole lot of general managing to do at this point, so we mostly just sit around making fun of Vinny. It's like being back in high school, except this time, I'm the cool kid.

And finally, inspired by President Obama's Cash For Clunkers program, I traded in my broken down, lemon of a Zorn for a shiny, brand new Shanahan. I keep asking him to swear to God that he'll win me a Lombardi Trophy, and he keeps saying that's stupid and his contract says I can't ask him stupid questions. But I'm pretty sure he's winking as he says it.

Having said that, it's not all rainbows and puppy dogs around here.

Our legendary 200,000-person season ticket waiting list was revealed to be a complete fabrication. If you're supposedly "on the list" and haven't gotten a call from us about purchasing season tickets, it's because I had you removed, because I hate you. Yes. You. Personally. The one reading this right now. I know your name. Don't ask what you did to piss me off. You know damn well what. I'm just surprised you thought I wouldn't find out.

Our quarterback situation remains bleak. I can't tell you how frustrating it is to desperately want to pick up a free agent quarterback, only to discover that your own crappy free agent quarterback is the best one available. At the last owners meeting, I suggested we all just throw our quarterbacks' names in a hat and draw new ones, but only Al Davis thought that was a good idea.

Of course, there's the draft, but that's always a crapshoot. We could get the next Mark Sanchez or we could get the next...well, Jason Campbell. Of course, a year ago, I wanted to trade up for the actual Mark Sanchez, but fans went batshit crazy, like I was trying to go after Jeff George. (Er, again.) So come April, we'll need a whole new offensive line, a running back, and probably a quarterback. But when I talked to Vinny last week, he suggested drafting a few more receivers instead. I gotta say, I'm considering it.

Let's see, what else is going on?

LaDainian Tomlinson and Brian Westbrook became free agents this week. In an uncapped season. A few years ago, this would have caused me to have a week-long orgasm. Now? Barely even a chubby.

Speaking of which, the Nationals just signed a pitcher named Chien-Ming Wang. By July, I predict Wang jerseys are going to be all over D.C., because the average sports fan has the sense of humor of a 12 year-old. The Nationals are going to make a fortune. Unfortunately, there is currently no NFL player with a last name that's also a euphemism for "penis" that we could sign. Believe me, we've looked. Frankly, our jersey sales could use the boost.

That's it for now. As always, your blind loyalty to the Redskins organization--while expected--is appreciated, nonetheless. If we could just figure out a way for you to transfer some of that loyalty from the team to its owner, that would be super.

24: 12:00 a.m.-1:00 a.m

Thoughts:

-- Jack and Renee's conversation may be the most romantic thing ever on this show. Sure, they're talking about nuclear rods and getting their alibis straight, but the subtext is undeniable. Really makes you regret all that time the show wasted on Audrey, huh?

-- I really didn't expect to see Josef get killed off this early (and I'm not entirely convinced he's actually dead), so I hope the show has an ace in the hole ready, like when Dennis Hopper showed up in the first season. Because Farhad is probably the least threatening 24 villain ever.

-- I normally don't spend much time thinking about the real world mechanics of how the government on this show works, because that way lies madness. But I'd love to know how Rob and President Taylor "resurrected CTU." After season six, the whole organization was apparently dismantled, presumably after someone noticed that it was always getting infiltrated and that only two employees, Jack and Chloe, had decent performance evaluations. How do you just bring back a whole organization like that? I mean, there'd be all sorts of Congressional oversight matters, and newspaper op-eds, and you'd think the White House would give it a new name for PR purposes, if nothing else.

The fact that I'm fascinated by this question is probably a good indication I've lived in D.C. too long.

-- I'm not buying this whole "pin everything on Renee" business. Why does this operation even need a fall guy in the first place? Sure, everything went to hell, but considering they were dealing with a psychotic Russian mobster, you wouldn't think anyone would be especially surprised by that.

-- Jack assaulting the guard and the evil chick from the DOJ was great, but I'm getting a little tired of Jack getting tased. You'd think by now, he would have developed an immunity to electricity.

-- That 14 year-old kid is Agent Owen? Second in command after Cole? Holy Christ, are you kidding me? Last week, I assumed it was his first day on the job or something, to give his inevitable death a little more resonance. As dead as he was last week, he's ten times as dead now.

-- Is Freddie Prinze Jr. trying out a New York accent, or has he always sounded like that?

-- The only problem with Nick and Kevin getting killed is that it didn't happen five episodes ago.

Jack's confirmed kills: 0 (10 for the season)

Jack's Words of Wisdom: "Son, you better put that down or you're going to get hurt."

Overall grade: B+

How not to survive your horror movie experience

In horror movies, characters routinely do incredibly stupid things for no other reason except to advance the plot. If there's an escaped killer on the loose, and the power goes out, and the babysitter hears a noise coming from the dark, spooky basement, you better believe she's going down there to investigate. Maybe she'll think to bring a baseball bat with her. Maybe.

Now, I've seen a lot of horror movies. And like Jamie Kennedy in Scream, I've always figured that if I ever found myself in a horror movie-esque situation, I'd have all the mental tools necessary to not get murdered. I'm not saying I'd be the hero, who defeats the slasher, gets the girl, et cetera, et cetera. Just that I'd be smart enough to immediately recognize the situation--and when I say "immediately," I mean, like, the second one of my friends or fellow camp counselors or whatever went missing--and get the hell out of there. Or if escape was impossible, I would, also like Jamie Kennedy in Scream, at least be able to keep my head down and be the character who you sort of expect to die, but somehow manages to make it to the closing credits.

In other words, I figured I knew my shit, and didn't have to worry about being taken out by a guy in a hockey mask or what have you.

Then Saturday night happened. I got home, and as I was heading into my building, there in the parking lot was a dollar bill. And a few feet away from that was another dollar. And a few feet away from that was another dollar. And another. And another. And this seemed to go on for quite a ways, leading away from my building

It goes without saying that a literal trail of money is not the sort of thing that you come across every day. But did I stop? Did I think to myself, "Hmm, this doesn't quite seem right"? No, I just ran along, giddy as a little girl, grabbing up dollar bills, thinking this had to be the greatest day of my life. It's only when I got to the end of the trail, that I started to think about just how unusual this all was. And how there was no one else around. And how, hey, there's a van parked right next to me.

And too late, I suddenly realized this had to be a trap.

The dollar bills had been dipped in cyanide. Or Buffalo Bill was going to jump out and force me into the van. Or a guy in a hockey mask was sneaking up behind me to machete me to death.

And the worst part was, this wasn't even a trap befitting a character who makes it through, say, even the halfway point of a horror movie. This was strictly a "killer's first victim" sort of trap. The loser who gets killed before the opening credits in every Saw film? That was going to be me.

Obviously, since I lived to write this, none of those things happened. But they probably should have. I mean, Jesus, who ever heard of a 100 foot-long trail of money? Think, man! I totally deserved to be brutally murdered. Jamie Kennedy may have survived Scream, but he let his guard down just for a minute in Scream 2, and guess what? Dead! In a van! That could have been me.

I came out of this experience $16 richer. But more importantly, I came out of it a lot wiser. Next time, I'm not going to make such a rookie mistake.

Oh, I never did find out why all those dollar bills were on the ground. Maybe one of my neighbors is a stripper and forgot to take the singles out of her g-string before leaving work. Who knows? Or maybe there really was a guy hiding in the shadows ready to kill me, but when he saw how pathetic I looked, happily picking a bunch of filthy one dollar bills like they were hundreds, decided it would be far more cruel to just let me live.

Panel of the Week

From Die Hard: Year One #6:

The Real World D.C.: Episode #8

Thoughts:

-- This is why I'd make a lousy congressman. If my press secretary told me that one of my constituents was in town and wanted to meet with me, and that he happened to be on the Real World, and that cameras would be filming the whole thing, my reaction would be, "What? No. Are you fucking kidding me? The Real World? That show's still on?" But Polis did a pretty good job, even if he occasionally seemed confused why he was there.

-- It's a little weird that Josh and Erika--perhaps with a bit of prodding from the producers, who at this point, must have been really frustrated with Josh and Erika's lack of doing anything--suddenly decide to start bands. Is that just something singers and musicians often do when they're visiting somewhere for more than a few days? Regardless, they apparently picked the worst place to do it.

-- Only now, Erika's bandmates have stood her up. I've never formed a band before, but it seems to me that A) Picking up a couple of random guys in the park isn't really the best way to go about it, and B) She scheduled their first rehearsal at 9 am. I thought the whole point of being in a band was that you didn't have to get up before noon.

-- Not that Josh would probably care, but I can't stand Wicked Liquid as a band name. It sounds like a really awful 80s hair metal band. The weird thing is, I do really like Wickit Liquit, and I'm sorry they didn't go with that.

-- Is it really such a huge personal breakthrough for Mike to admit he's in love with a man, given that the whole time he's been in D.C., he's done nothing but mope around, thinking about his boyfriend back home, and having flings with other guys? I mean, good for Mike and all, but if I announced I was in love with a woman, I wouldn't expect people to be surprised. (Okay, a few people would be surprised.)

-- Look, Erika, if you move into the Real World house, which I'm sure (on seasons more exciting than this one, anyway) constantly smells like sex, you give up any right to get pissy because your boyfriend has a girl over. And as I was typing that, Ashley of all people made the exact same point. When Ashley is pointing out how nutty you are, it's time to step back and reevaluate your position.

-- Erika trying to steal Josh's band is by far the best thing that's happened on the show this season. Which is sad. But it also did nothing to convince me that Erika isn't just as untalented as Josh.

-- MTV really has a show called 16 & Pregnant? Jesus Christ. J. J. Jackson is rolling over in his grave.

Real World Wisdom:

Erika: "Mike is counting as gay right now because Mike is no threat to my boyfriend."

Erika: "I imagine it'd be difficult to put together a band when your lead singer can't sing."

Erika: "I can't even find a fricking band in D.C., here."

Belushi!

You'll never believe who was at Pentagon City yesterday! The late, great John Belushi!

Needless to say, this was a complete and total shock, and I'm really surprised that it's gotten zero news coverage so far.

Oh, wait, no. I'm misremembering. I think I had too much leftover Snowpocalypse beer yesterday afternoon. I saw Jim Belushi at Pentagon City.

Sorry. I know this story just became a lot less interesting.

Honestly, though, I think Jim Belushi gets a bad rap. In fact, I'd even go so far as to say he's my favorite Belushi. By the time I saw Animal House and The Blues Brothers (let alone, an episode of Saturday Night Live made before 1987), I think I'd already seen about a dozen Jim Belushi films. I'm not going to defend According to Jim, but that show was on for something like twenty years, so someone must have dug it. But The Principal? Do movies get any better than that? (That's a rhetorical question, since the answer is obviously no.)

He was at the mall to draw attention to COPD. I had no idea what COPD was before yesterday, but apparently, it's serious enough that the dream team of Belushi, Michael Strahan, Patty Loveless, Danika Patrick, and Bruce Jenner are traveling to malls around the country to encourage people over 35 to get screened for it. Frankly, I'm glad D.C. got Belushi. I wouldn't have come out to see any of the others. Maybe Bruce Jenner.

This was the line for autographs, as people waited for Belushi to come out. He arrived 20 minutes late. Freaking diva.

This was a member of the Drive4COPD Street Team (or whatever they're called), screening a man for COPD. As far as I could tell, the guy was just sitting in the food court, enjoying his lunch, minding his own business, and probably didn't want a reminder of his own mortality. But I guess it was for his own good.

This was Jim Belushi attempting to tell what I'm sure was a touching story about how his father suffered from COPD, but a combination of Pentagon City's horrible speaker system and Pentagon City's horrible muzak system, made it impossible to make out a word he was saying. Everyone did their best to look sympathetic, though.

All in all, a triumphant appearance for a good cause. (But seriously, can we also Bruce Jenner here? I'm thinking about getting plastic surgery, and I'd love to pick his brain.)

24: 11:00 p.m.-12:00 a.m

Thoughts:

-- Clearly, Kevin and Nick aren't exactly rocket scientists, but do they really think Dana can just keep breaking them into secure facilities without anyone noticing? The 24 writing staff really needs someone in the room at all times whose sole responsibility is saying, "No, that's stupid." If they had such a person, maybe this whole stupid subplot could have been avoided.

-- Not really wild about hearing Jack scream, "No!" in the face of getting tortured. It's not nearly as bad as when he begged the Salazar brothers not to kill him way back in the third season, but it's still pretty unbecoming behavior for Jack Bauer.

-- Cole isn't the brightest guy in the world. Dana pulls him aside to talk about her past during an international crisis, and he thinks she's talking about something she did on Spring Break or something? Also, why did Dana say she's been acting weird the "past few days"? Kevin just showed up a few hours ago. What was bugging her before that?

-- When Jack pulled out the dead Russian's cell phone, I was wondering why we didn't get an eyeful of the Sprint logo, as we usually do whenever anyone uses a cell phone on this show. Then Jack couldn't get it to turn on, and it all made sense.

-- In the span of about three minutes, Jack doubled his entire body count for this season. I'd love to see a repeat next week.

-- I'm going to start taking a shot every time someone on the show asks where Dana is. Not because I'm involved in some sort of 24 drinking game. Alcohol just helps me ignore the stupidity of it all.

-- I don't know why Jack is even bothering to pretend that Sergei isn't going to get immunity. Presidents give out immunity deals like candy on this show.

-- That baby-faced CTU agent in the elevator is so fucking dead it isn't even funny. He might as well be wearing a red shirt.

Jack's confirmed kills: 5 (10 for the season)

Jack's Words of Wisdom: "You can add it to your list of regrets."

Overall grade: B

Death of a food court

My second home from the ages of 12-17 was the Springfield Mall food court. In retrospect, this probably wasn't an especially healthy lifestyle choice, but it was--in my admittedly limited experience at that point--fine dining at its absolute finest.

Before I ever knew what P.F. Chang's was, with its fancy decor and pricy, quasi-authentic Chinese cuisine, Manchu Wok was my P.F. Chang's. Plus, there was Arby's, Boardwalk Fries, Frank & Stein, Sbarro, Dairy Queen, and Popeyes, among others. You know those cities that are known the world over for their excellent cuisine? Like Paris? I've never been to Paris, but I'm guessing going to Springfield Mall was just like visiting Paris. Doubly so, because Paris is also known for its fashion, and Springfield Mall has a Gap. Well, it used to, anyway. Not anymore. I think it still has a The Limited, though. Maybe a Forever 21, but don't hold me to that.

Anyway, as I've mentioned before, Springfield Mall's fallen on hard times over the past 15 years or so, and stores have gradually been shutting down in anticipation of a complete renovation that seems to keep getting pushed back. But the last time I was at the mall, the food court had largely been unaffected.

But apparently, that's changed.

This really depressed me. It's kind of like seeing one of your relatives in the last stages of a fatal disease, but somehow worse, because it's a food court, and not just a relative. Manchu Wok is still there. But for how long?

At least that huge, ugly, blue, two-story monstrosity of a play area right outside of the food court, which basically looked like a death trap for children, has finally been removed. I'm sure Springfield Mall would claim that no children were ever killed playing on it, but if/when the mall is finally torn down, ten bucks says they find a lot of dead kids buried underneath it.

Panel of the Week

From Hit-Monkey #1:

The Real World D.C.: Episode #7

Thoughts:

-- I was totally with Andrew in thinking it was impossible for Erika (or anyone, for that matter) to be allergic to ants, but apparently, it happens.

-- I'm not sure what you would call that thing around Erika's forehead, but between it and the story of her suicide attempt, she's doing a great job of out-nuttying Ashley. (Who, naturally, had to jump in with the details of her own emotional problems, lest Erika start to be known around the house as the crazy one.)

-- Like Ashley, I've also always wanted to go on a Duck Tour of D.C., but have yet to do it. Erika really is being a Debbie Downer.

-- As the show transitioned from a scene of a bunch of spoiled 20-somethings lounging around their mansion to a scene of a bunch of spoiled 20-somethings hanging out in Georgetown, did they really need that shot of a homeless woman picking through a garbage can? And no, don't tell me that was an attempt at social commentary by MTV. They're not that clever.

-- Wait, when did it become "Erika Day"? And honestly, if she balked at spending $30 on a Duck Tour, I'm not sure how much shopping she's going to be able to do in Georgetown.

-- One of the things I can't help but love about Ashley is her ability to quickly pivot from being whiny and unreasonable, to making it seem like she's being mature, and it's the other person who's being whiny and unreasonable. I fully expect her to be in Congress in 30 years.

-- I'm assuming the producers set up the Laser Tag outing, since Ultra Zone is out in Virginia, and I have yet to see any evidence whatsoever that the cast had any interest in exploring their surroundings beyond a five-block radius or unless a bar was involved.

-- Male or female, gay or straight, I'm not sure why any local would get involved with a Real World cast member and actually expect it to last longer than however long they're in town for. Get with the program, Eric.

-- The fight outside Nellie's is one of those times where, as much as I kind of like Ashley, I really can't understand why no one is hauling off and slapping her.

Real World Wisdom:

Erika: "I honestly think Mike is gay. Like, not bi. Like, gay."

Ashley: "Hell fucking no! I'm not being a bitch, dude!"

Chuck fans vs. sanity

First, some suggested reading:

Chuck, "Chuck vs. the Mask": Night at the museum
The Double-Edged Sword Of Devotion: 'Chuck' Vs. The Entitled Fan Base
Chuck: Schwartz and Fedak vs. the controversy
Urban Dictionary: Shipper

Several years ago, I discovered Television Without Pity, which at the time, was still called Mighty Big TV. Like a lot of people, I came for the funny, sarcastic recaps of TV shows, but I stayed for the message boards. Sure, the moderators ruled with iron fists, and often acted like pricks, but there were some really interesting discussions, and a lot of the forum rules more or less reflected how I wish the whole Internet was run (i.e., don't be a jerk, swearing was allowed and no one cared if you were offended, etc.). So for a few years, I regularly read the boards.

But it wasn't long before I realized a lot of people on that site were batshit insane.

Not all of them were crazy, or even most, but it was definitely more than a statistically insignificant sample. The American Idol boards were the worst, where warring factions of fans would often make the Israelis and Palestinians look like best friends. And while Person X having a total meltdown because Person Y had the nerve to prefer Ruben over Clay (and vice versa) was clearly alarming behavior, at least they were fighting over actual people. The real psychos were the ones who lost their shit over fictional characters and their fictional love lives and the fictional obstacles that came between them. You might expect this sort of thing from viewers of The Young and the Restless. But not so much from viewers of, say, The West Wing. Oh, those Josh and Donna shippers...how they hated poor Amy.

Occasionally, people would even transfer their obsessive love for the characters to the actors who played them. I remember one time on the Alias forums, someone went off on J.J. Abrams for Jennifer Garner and Scott Foley getting divorced. The person's logic was that because Abrams created a show in which Garner's character was involved with Michael Vartan's character, Abrams was directly responsible for their getting involved in real life and the break-up of her marriage. Personally, I would have blamed the people actually having the affair, but I guess that's why I was never much of a TWOP poster.

Obviously, you can read all kinds of psychological things into why someone might become fixated on the relationship between two fictional people. But I think it mainly comes down to short attention spans and the need for instant gratification. Any retard (sorry, Sarah Palin!) who's even watched a single episode of Chuck knows that Chuck and Sarah are going to get together eventually. Short of something utterly unexpected happening, like one of the actors leaving the show, there is literally no chance of Chuck and Sarah not ending up together. I know some TV shows like The Wonder Years will throw viewers a curve ball by eschewing the predictable happy ending for something more wistful, but trust me: Chuck isn't that kind of show. For Christ's sake, Chevy Chase played a supervillain last season.

But rather than just take comfort in that knowledge and enjoy the ride, these fans want it all now, now, now. I guarantee that if you went up to these people who are doing all the bitching and moaning and offered them a detailed plot synopsis of every single Chuck episode from now until the series finale, most of them would take it in a second. Because they don't want to be the slightest bit challenged, even by something as mundane as whether or not the main characters are dating. Which is sad, but probably indicative of where television is heading. A hundred years from now, you likely won't even "watch" TV shows anymore. You'll just download an entire series directly to your brain, Matrix-style. No muss, no fuss, and no getting upset because of some temporary plot twist you don't like.

Oh, for what it's worth: Chuck's probably my favorite current TV show, but I couldn't give a rat's ass whether Chuck and Sarah get together. If anything, I've found pretty much every other love interest they've brought on for him (Rachel Bilson, Jordana Brewster, and now, Kristin Kreuk) a lot more interesting. Don't get me wrong, Yvonne Strahovski is some of God's finest work, and she and Zachary Levi have great chemistry together. But Sarah has to be the most boring female super spy ever. The producers can drag this thing out for however long they want, and I'm fine with it.

Waiting for Snowpocalypse 3

This just reminded me of the establishing shot in the beginning of every post-apocalyptic sci-fi movie ever made, as the audience is informed of what it is that destroyed the planet.

At this point, I'm just waiting for the wolves to show up. Them, or the cannibal tribes.

24: 10:00 p.m.-11:00 p.m

Thoughts:

-- I get that like all action heroes, Jack Bauer will take any risk, no matter what the odds, and does things that might seem "reckless" or "crazy" to the pencil pushers back at headquarters. But handing Vladimir his gun not ten minutes after he gave the order to have Jack killed, seems more retarded than calculated.

-- Now that Jack seems to have dropped the fake German accent, why is he still bothering with the fake glasses?

-- For the first time, I kind of like Kevin and his redneck buddy. Mixing up 3101 and 3110 under pressure is just the kind of thing I would do. Also, Dana's pretty brave with the backtalk all of a sudden. She's going to be really disappointed when she finds out that Kevin has no intention of leaving her alone after he gets the money.

-- I can live with either normal Renee from last season, or sociopathic Renee from earlier this season, but borderline-catatonic Renee whenever Vladimir touches her, is really kind of a buzzkill. Letting herself get raped for the good of the mission isn't exactly the sort of wacky subplot we're used to on this show.

-- I call bullshit on that water gun. There's no way you could get something that realistic looking anymore. They all come with those bright orange tips on the barrel. Which I guess probably prevents kids from being accidentally shot by cops, but really makes water gun fights a lot less realistic.

-- Whoa! Holy shit! That was awesome! Here's basically how my thought process went during that sequence: "Thank God. Renee is finally going to kill Vladimir. Oh, hey, stabbing him in the eye? That's pretty badass. And they showed his bloody eye wound, too! Cool! Oh, well, here's Jack and--oh, wow, Renee just stabbed Jack! And she clearly feels pretty bad about it. AndholyshitJackjustpulledtheknifeoutofhisstomachandthrewit-rightintothatguysneck!!!"

In all seriousness, that was one of the all-time great Jack Bauer kills.

-- Oh, Renee, you couldn't have killed Jack with that knife. Jack's going to die riding a nuclear bomb that's dropped on whatever country it is that keeps sponsoring all the terrorists on this show. Or, at least, that's how it happens in the 24 fan fiction epic I've been writing.

Jack's confirmed kills: 2 (5 for the season)

Jack's Words of Wisdom: "You can have your life back anytime you want. You just need to want it."

Overall grade: B

Super Bowl Commercial Scorecard

Before I went to college, I wanted to go into advertising, because I was always fascinated by television commercials and how most of them are so incredibly ineffective. Corporate America wastes billions of dollars a year on ads that in no way attract new customers, and the whole thing basically just seems like a big scam cooked up by the carnies at the TV networks.

I ended up not majoring in marketing, but I still like analyzing the Super Bowl ads each year to determine what worked and what didn't. Also, I'm snowed in, so I really have nothing else to do.

Google: A+ I'm not really sure why Google needed to run a commercial. I mean...it's Google. Everyone already uses Google. It's like making a commercial for oxygen. But this was really well done. Simple, effective, sweet.

Kia: A+ Probably the best looking ad of the night. Whoever directed this is getting a lot of calls today.

kgb: A One of the rare ads that's both hilarious and effective at explaining why the product is actually useful.

Snickers: A

Coke ("Sleepwalker"): A- Even if some (all?) of the animals were CGIed, this looks and sounds really gorgeous. And unlike most Coke ads, it doesn't hit you over the head with sentimentality.

Bud Light ("Stranded") B+ Easily the best Budweiser ad of the night. Good timing, what with Lost having just come back and all.

Boost Mobile: B+ It took me a second to realize this was being done for laughs, and not a scathing indictment of the terrible toll playing in the NFL takes on athletes' bodies. But when I did, I really enjoyed it.

McDonald's: B+ It almost seems sacrilegious to remake the Jordan/Bird commercial, but if anyone can pull it off, it's LeBron and Howard. The Bird cameo at the end really sold it, though.

Careerbuilder.com: B+

Dante's Inferno: B+ It would have been nice to have seen a little actual gameplay, but otherwise, this was great. Releasing it the same day as Bioshock 2 seem vaguely suicidal, though.

Doritos ("Snack Attack"): B+

Bridgestone ("Your Tires or Your Life"): B I loved the Mad Max schtick. Far more impressive, can this really the first time anyone's done this particular "Your [whatever] or your life/wife" gag? It seems like a really obvious one, but I can't remember ever seeing it before.

Volkswagen: B

Hyundai (all of them): B

TruTV: B

Chrysler: B- This one took a pounding on Twitter last night, and in retrospect, Chrysler probably could have easily diffused the criticism by doing one from a female point of view. But I thought it was funny. "I will watch your vampire TV shows" still has me chuckling.

Coke ("Hard Times"): B-

Doritos ("House Rules"): B-

Bud Light ("Light House"): B-

Taco Bell: B- It's weird that on one end of the Taco Bell spokesperson spectrum, you have that chick who's supposedly lost a lot of weight on the "Taco Bell diet," and on the other, Charles Barkley, who also looks like he's been enjoying a Taco Bell diet, just not the same one.

Budweiser: B-

Budweiser: C+ I don't understand America's love for these stupid Clydesdales.

Dove: C+

Universal Studios Orlando: C+ I get the feeling that in 20 years, people will be wondering why anyone thought a Harry Potter theme park was a good idea. I mean, it looks okay, but who's going to book a trip to Florida to walk through a replica of Hogsmeade? It would have been nice to see more of the actual rides.

Vizio: C+

Intel: C

HomeAway: C The extended version is pretty good if you're a Vacation fan, but the teaser could have been better.

Cars.com: C

Bud Light ("Book Club"): C

FloTV (all of them): C

Michelob Ultra: C- This whole campaign is so stupid. Is the claim that young, hip, energetic people drink Michelob Ultra, or that drinking Michelob Ultra makes you young, hip, and energetic? Either way, I call bullshit.

Bud Light ("Asteroid"): C-

Bridgestone ("Whale of a Tale") C-

Doritos ("Casket"): C-

Doritos ("Underdog"): C-

Dr. Pepper: C-

Honda: C-

Audi: C- Cute, but annoyingly preachy. I get the feeling this is how Republicans see all environmentalists.

Emerald Nuts/Pop Secret: C-

Roundup Weedkiller: C-

Budweider Select: D+

Carmax (Both of them): D+ I can't sit here and be impressed that someone at Carmax's ad agency has access to YouTube. If anything, they should have figured out some way to work lolcats into a commercial.

U.S. Census: D+ So let me get this straight...as a taxpayer, I'm paying for both the production of this commercial, and a Super Bowl slot, and the best I can get is Ed Begley Jr.? This is almost enough to make me go to one of those Tea Party rallies.

Dockers: D+

E*Trade: D+ It's over, E*Trade baby.

Sketchers: D+ Man, those are some ugly shoes. And Joe Montana couldn't have sounded less enthusiastic.

Denny's (all of them): D

Teleflores: D:

Bud Light ("Voice Box"): D

Motorolla: D Two problems with this commercial. 1) No one wants to hear Megan Fox talk about how hot Megan Fox is, and 2) After all the photos of Megan Fox America has seen, one of her in a bubble bath is awfully tame and really wouldn't produce this sort of response.

Monster.com: D

MetroPCS: D-

Go Daddy (all of them): D- I hate these ads, but at this point, I guess it's unfair to hold them to a higher standard than you would, say, really bad homemade porn. And in the sense that this year's commercials were at least better than really bad homemade porn, I guess they were a rousing success.

Focus on the Family: F Tim Tebow and his mom convinced me. I promise I'll never get an abortion. Seriously, regardless of whether you agree with the message, the commercial itself was just horrible. If you don't abort your kid, he'll tackle you. It doesn't even make sense. He's a quarterback, not a linebacker.

Snowpocalypse 2

Saturday, February 6, 2010

7:45 am: I wake up and immediately notice something is off. When I fell asleep on the couch last night, both the TV and the computer were on. Now they don't seem to be. Shit, the power's out.

To my horror, I realize I have no entertainment options. Then I think about all the food I stockpiled for this weekend (and possibly a couple days beyond), and realize that aside from a box of cookies and a bag of tortilla chips, all of it requires some form of heat to prepare. As far as flaws in plans go, this seems to be a significant one.

8:00 am: Willing the electricity back on didn't work, so I decide to go back to sleep.

9:00 am: I wake up again. Still no power. No heat, either. I can't fall back asleep, and I'm hungry. I'm reduced to having some of the cookies for breakfast. They're not even good cookies; they're the kind you only find at CVS. I move my more perishable foods to the non-functioning, yet still cold freezer, so as to preserve their longevity.

9:15 am: With no Internet, video games, TV, or DVDs to amuse myself, I start reading the new Fables TPB. That keeps me busy for about an hour. I have other books that I'm in the middle of, but by this point, I'm tired of reading. How the hell did people survive two feet of snow a hundred years ago?

11:00 am: Feeling listless and with nothing else to do, I force myself back to sleep. I wonder if this is what prison is like. While asleep, I dream I'm on a date with a girl, and I'm saying how crazy it is that there's a store called GameStop and a website called GameSpot. She doesn't think it's especially crazy, and I catch her looking at her watch. Even in my dreams, suaveness eludes me.

12:30 pm: "Help me!" a child screams from outside, waking me up. Startled, I dash to my window, expecting to see a kid getting sucked into a snow blower or being chased by a polar bear. It turns out he's just getting pelted with snowballs by his friends, and is now laughing. Fuck you then, you little shit! If you or your friends find yourself in real trouble, see if I care.

12:45 pm: I break out the five-layer dip from the freezer. I was going to save it and the tortilla chips for the Super Bowl, but with little else to eat--and indeed, whether there even will be a Super Bowl for me, now in question--I'm desperate. Unfortunately, whoever made the dip went heavy on the refried beans, which is my least favorite layer, making it difficult to get to the delicious guacamole and sour cream underneath. Why does God hate me?!?

1:45 pm: I've successfully rearranged my graphic novel bookcase! See, at first, I had Batman books on the top shelf, because A) Batman should always be on top, and B) Alphabetically, it just made sense. But in the new configuration, Batman and any other superhero books have been moved to the bottom, while the more mature stuff like 100 Bullets, Transmetropolitan, Y: The Last Man, etc., are now on top, and the stuff that falls somewhere in the middle, like Powers, The Walking Dead, Ex Machina, etc., are...uh, well...in the middle. I'm excited by this bold new direction for a few minutes, then decide I liked it better the other way and change it back.

2:30 pm: My phone battery is dwindling, but I still check my email and Twitter every now and then, just to feel some sort of human connection in this desolate wasteland. SNL's Abby Elliot tweets that she's trying to decide between having soup or chicken parm for lunch. I look at my food options, and for the first time (today), begin to contemplate suicide.

3:30 pm: I can't take it anymore. I'm more bored than I've ever been, it feels like my apartment walls are closing in on me, and frankly, with no hot water with which to take a shower this morning, it's started to get a bit gamey. So I throw on a few layers and venture out. The stairwell is pitch black, so I have to use my phone as a flashlight.

As I walk outside, I see a child's small, gloved hand sticking out from a snowbank, weakly grasping for help. But remembering my earlier vow, I just keep walking. (Okay, that didn't happen. But I wish it had.)

3:45 pm: I'm furious to discover that just a few blocks away, people have electricity. They even look happier playing in the snow than the people in my building did, as they know they can go inside whenever they want to and still have fun. Fuck that noise. If they have power, I should have power. Conversely, if I don't have power, I don't want anyone else to have power, either. Yes, I'm that petty.

4:00 pm: I go into a nearby convenience store. I'm feeling stupid because I'd already stocked up, and yet here I am, buying more food. I get a sandwich and three of those tuna salad/crackers packs, as well as a couple of energy drinks to counter the general apathy I've been feeling all day.

4:30 pm: I make it home with my new provisions...only to discover the power's back on! Our long national nightmare is over! I turn on the TV, and the idiot woman on WUSA is telling people who don't have power what they should do. Think about it.

I take a shower, get caffeinated, throw a pizza in the microwave, fire up Mass Effect on the Xbox, and spend the next couple of hours eating pizza, drinking semi-warm beer, and killing aliens.

This is what a Snowpocalpse is supposed to be like.

Super Bowl Pick

1-1 last week; 137-129 for the season

New Orleans at Indianapolis (-5.5): New Orleans

Geekgasm

You'll have to excuse me, I just wet myself.

Sorry, let me back up. I've never been a Smallville fan. The show started out as some sort of unholy union between Dawson's Creek's teen melodrama and Buffy the Vampire Slayer's monster-of-the-week storytelling, and was basically unwatchable. And while it's improved considerably since then, and I've caught a few episodes here and there and liked them, it's not a show I ever really cared about.

Then there was tonight's two-part JSA episode, written by Geoff Johns. And...wow. So much great stuff for even the most cynical comic book geek to go nuts over.

-- Amanda Waller. Pam Grier. Amanda Waller, played by Pam Grier.

This is what caused me to wet myself.

-- "Welcome to the Suicide Squad." I wet myself again.

-- The "apocalypse" is coming? Or is that "Apokolips"? (Not long after I finished typing that, Johns seemed to confirm it's the latter. Hail Darkseid!)

It's funny, when Superman Returns was going into pre-production, there was talk that WB might cancel Smallville so as not to have a free version of Superman competing with the one on the big screen. Now, a few years later, the Superman movie franchise is in limbo (again), meanwhile, Smallville is burning through all the really cool villains and storylines any future Superman movies will probably use. No one tell the WB film division!

-- The costumes! Finally, a movie/TV show that isn't afraid to show superhero costumes the way they'd look in real life.

(Also: superhero costumes in real life look sort of terrible. No wonder there aren't any real superheroes.)

Smallville is in its ninth season. I'm not about to go back and watch all the previous episodes, but I figure either this or next season will be its last. I can stick around for that, so long as we get more episodes like this.

Snowpocalypse Survival Kit

Panel of the Week

From Siege #2:

The Real World D.C.: Episode #6

Thoughts:

-- I guess it's a good thing Callie got the job with the Washington Blade when she did, because a few weeks later, the newspaper shut down. I'm not saying there's a connection. But you never know.

-- Can the other housemates just pitch in and get Andrew a hooker, already? In the history of this show, has there ever been anyone who has had this much trouble getting laid?

-- Wow, Andrew's just full of wrong tonight: "It's tough to be a guy in D.C." It's not. "[Ashley's] not that hot." She is.

-- Mike's office is...well, let's just say there are people who have been at my job for ten years and don't have an office that big or that nice. Let's review: Mike gets an office roughly the size of the panda habitat at the National Zoo. Erika gets to perform at the 9:30 Club. Callie wakes up and decides to become a professional photographer, and gets a gig with a (then) leading D.C. publication. I used to think of this show as just a place for twenty-somethings to extend their college experience for a few weeks. But it's apparently a great way to build a career, too. Who knew?

-- Callie struggling to fill out a resume is about as "real" as I've seen this show get this season. I mean, I doubt she really had to exert herself. It seems like she was pretty much a lock for the job (if for no other reason than that I'm guessing most would-be interns didn't get to interview with the editor in chief). But still, it's nice to see the show sort of make an attempt to make the whole thing look legit.

-- Andrew's clearly acting like an asshole, but evidently, that's not good enough for MTV, as the show comes out of a commercial by showing a few somewhat disturbing drawings of his, while vaguely sinister music plays in the background. I sense a narrative being constructed.

-- Again: Andrew's clearly acting like an asshole. But Ashley's reaction seems just a tad melodramatic. I reached my limit when they showed her outside, hugging her stuffed animal.

-- Sorry, Callie, I have no sympathy for anyone who can't figure out the Metro. Not tourists who have been here for a couple of days, and certainly not a quasi-resident like yourself, who had probably been here for a few weeks when this episode was filmed. I had the Metro figured out almost immediately when I first moved here, and I was fucking ten. It's a bunch of colored lines, for Christ's sake.

-- Wait a minute, there are dudes out there who, if you bring them back to your place, will fold your clothes for you? I may have to look into this gay thing.

-- It's a little weird, because Andrew spent most of the episode being a jerk or in his underwear (two states I really don't care to see him in), yet his comment about his housemates' habit of wearing their struggles on their sleeves was both spot-on and shockingly insightful. All's forgiven, Andrew.

Real World Wisdom:

Andrew: "I'm just looking for some ass."

Mike: "When I meet somebody, I put him through the three tests. We talk politics, we talk sports, and I punch him in the arm, and they don't whine about it, they pass."

Ashley: "I know nothing about you. I know your jokes. But I don't know who you are."

SmarTripping out

I'm not sure if there's an ongoing problem with Metro SmarTrip cards in general, or if the people on my route just have bad luck. But I've seen the below scenario occur more often than it probably should, the most recent being this morning:

The bus pulls up to a stop. The doors open, and people begin to board.

Rider X presses his card to the reader: Beep! He sits down.

Rider Y presses her card to the reader: Beep! She sits down.

Rider Z presses his card to the reader: BZZZZZ! He tries it again. BZZZZZ! Maybe he wipes the card on his coat, as if a few smudges are somehow what's preventing the card from being accepted. BZZZZZ!

The driver will push some sort of button, that I guess resets the SmarTrip reader. "Try it now," he says.

Z presses his card to the reader again. BZZZZZ!

By this point, two groups of people are getting annoyed. The people already on the bus, who want to get going, and the people who lined up behind Z to get on the bus. Both groups know it's not really Z's fault, but who else are they going to blame? Technology? That would be crazy.

The driver motions Z to move off to the side, and gestures the next person in line to give it a try. Who knows? As unlikely as it seems, maybe the reader just suddenly and spontaneously crapped out.

The next person presses his card to the reader: Beep! All remaining riders board the bus with no problems whatsoever. Beep! Beep! Beep!

Sighing, even though he knows what's going to happen, Z valiantly gives it one more shot. BZZZZZ!

So now it gets really uncomfortable. With no one else waiting to board, the only thing keeping the bus there is Z's inability to pay. And drivers apparently have some latitude in these situations, because I've seen this story end three different ways.

1) The driver tells Z not to worry about it, and to go ahead and sit down.

2) The driver tells Z to go ahead and sit down, and they'll worry about it when the bus gets to the Metro station. When I got off the bus, Z was once again trying to get his card to work. BZZZZZ!

3) The driver slowly says, "Well..." indicating that non-payment is a non-option. "Do you have any cash on you?" Which would be a totally reasonable alternative, if Metro buses made change. So unless you have exactly $1.35 on you, by paying in cash, you're going to end up making a donation to the WMATA. Possible a big one, if all you have are large bills. In this instance, Z didn't have any cash on him at all, but was thankfully saved from the humiliation of being kicked off the bus by a really nice fellow passenger giving him a couple of bucks.

(It wasn't me. I didn't care if Z got kicked off the bus or not. Generally, I don't care about anything until at least noon. I'm a lot like that douchebag "Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee guy," in the McDonald's commercials, except I don't drink coffee and I don't make a big show of being a douchebag.)

So anyway, if Metro's going to not only encourage people to use SmarTrip cards, but actually make it difficult for them not to, there should be some sort of built-in safeguard. If your card doesn't work, you should be guaranteed a free bus ride until you can replace it. Granted, some people might try to take advantage of the system by intentionally damaging their cards, but I think you'd only be able to get away with it a few times before the drivers started recognizing you, and then it would be okay for them to kick you off the bus.

And to make up for any revenue shortfalls this might cause, Metro could finally start ticketing people for eating and drinking in stations, which they constantly threaten to do, but in the over 20 years I've lived in this area, have yet to ever see actually happen. Last week, a few people were practically having a picnic inside Metro Center while waiting for the Red Line, and went totally undisturbed. It was pathetic.

Oscar nominations

-- It was a terrible, terrible idea to expand the Best Picture category for the sake of ratings. Most of these films wouldn't have had a prayer of getting nominated if there were just five of them, as in years past. I liked Inglourious Basterds, District 9, and Up, but...come on. Best movie of the year? Any of them? Really? I have to think the five "real" nominees are Avatar, Up In the Air, The Hurt Locker, An Education, and A Serious Man. Pretending otherwise just cheapens the entire category.

-- I'm officially pulling for Avatar to win for Best Picture. Partly because it was my favorite film of 2009, but also because I know it'll seriously annoy certain people. I didn't watch the Golden Globes, but I was on Twitter when it was on, and saw more than a few furious tweets when it won Best Drama. Look, was it the most original plot in the world? No. Was some of the dialogue a little sketchy? Sure. Was it the best movie of last year? Hell, yes! It has CGI blue people! And shit blowing up! And Michelle Rodriguez! And it's all in 3-D!!! If...nay, when...it wins, any and all grousing will come from the same people who also got all pissy when Gladiator and Shakespeare In Love won.

-- I am kind of annoyed Up got nominated for Best Picture, though. It's a good movie, and my immediate reaction after seeing it was that I absolutely loved it. But the more I thought about it, I decided that it affected me more through blatant emotional manipulation than anything else. You take away the few really heart-wrenching moments and some great animation, and it's an awfully thin movie. Also, if you're going to have a Best Animated Feature category, it seems unfair to let a film be nominated in both. I mean, just looking at things logically, since Up is nominated for Best Picture when none of the other animated films are, how can any of the other animated nominees possibly win Best Animated Feature? If, say, Fantastic Mr. Fox somehow beats Up, that means it's a better film, right? Yet Up is, by definition, a better film, just by having been nominated for Best Picture, whereas, Fantastic Mr. Fox was not. Basically, this seems like the kind of thing that could rupture the space/time continuum and cause the universe to end.

-- I have nothing against Precious: Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire, per se, except that it has a stupidly long title, and its plot makes Schindler's List look like a Farrelly brothers movie. So if it wins anything, good for the people involved, but I'm not especially rooting for it. (If Mo'Nique wins, though, as soon as time travel is invented, I'm going back to when The Parkers was on UPN, travel to Vegas, and bet $100 that Mo'Nique one day wins an Academy Award. I should be able to find someone who will give me million-to-one odds on that.)

-- No real feelings on the Best Director category. I guess I think James Cameron should get it, just because of the amazing job he did with Avatar. But I'd be equally fine with Kathryn Bigelow, Jason Reitman, or Quentin Tarantino winning. Of course, Bigelow also directed Point Break, which somehow went criminally unrewarded by the Academy in 1991, so that's an injustice that can be corrected. Also: Holy fuck, it's been almost 20 years since Point Break?!?! Ugh. Nothing makes you feel older than being reminded of when all the movies you liked as a kid came out. Well, that and knee pain.

-- You know how every year, the producers desperately try to keep the ceremony as short as humanly possible? They could probably cut five minutes off by not even bothering with the Best Actor award, since there's no way George Clooney doesn't win. And he probably deserves to, although I wouldn't mind seeing Jeremy Renner win, either. I wasn't as blown away by The Hurt Locker as everyone else (Ha! Get it? "Blown away"? Because it's a movie about...never mind), but I loved his performance, and I hope ABC executives are kicking themselves for cancelling The Unusuals.

-- On washingtonpost.com a few weeks ago, a headline said something like, "Tobey MacGuire Doesn't Expect to Be Nominated For an Academy Award." Which struck me as weird in a, "Er, yeah, no shit, Tobey. We don't really expect you to, either," kind of way. But then when I actually clicked on the headline, I found out he'd been nominated for a Golden Globe for Brothers, which helped put the whole thing into some much needed context. Still, it's good to know Tobey wasn't surprised when his name wasn't called this morning.

-- I kind of have a crush on Anna Kendrick, so I hope she wins for Supporting Actress. I also hope she can get out of her contract for those stupid Twilight movies. After all, when you've starred in a movie with George Clooney and been nominated for an Academy Award, how do you go back to playing Bella Swan's best friend?

24: 9:00 p.m.-10:00 p.m

Thoughts:

-- CTU "doesn't do" torture anymore? So what about Rick Burke? Is he out of a job now? If so, what do you do when you're an unemployed torture/interrogation expert? How do you explain what you did on a resume? I hope he got transferred to Gitmo or something, because I don't think you want someone like that as your waiter or IT guy.

-- That's Dana's big plan? Help Kevin break into an NYPD warehouse so he can steal some money? If I'm Kevin, I'm holding out for something a lot easier.

-- You know, Renee didn't do a whole lot for me last season. But between the new hairstyle and the crazy eyes, she's really working it this year.

-- How is Chloe just sitting there while Dana's acting all weird? She's been at CTU long enough to know what it means when an analyst suddenly seems distracted and starts disappearing for extended periods of time. She should have fingered Dana as a mole--or at least, up to no good--by now.

-- I'm not sure what's stupider: The idea that a civilian van can just pull right up to the entrance of a secure government facility without the guard saying anything, or that Dana thought it would be a good idea to meet Kevin right outside said secure government facility to plan their big warehouse robbery.

-- I'm kind of sad about the doctor getting killed. Obviously, you know Jack's not going to die, so every now and then, I'll find a supporting character whose survival I can get emotionally invested in. Before the Russians showed up, I was actually in a fair amount of suspense as to whether Josef would kill him or let him go, but obviously, now it's a moot issue.

-- In movies and on TV, bad guys are always trying to double cross each other whenever they meet to make some sort of exchange. That can't be the way it works in real life, can it? I mean, sure, you might be able to get away with it once or twice, but after a while, you're going to get a reputation and people won't meet with you anymore.

-- In one episode, Freddie Prinze Jr. has matched Jack's total kills for the entire season. That's just wrong.

Jack's confirmed kills: 0 (3 for the season)

Jack's Words of Wisdom: "And you are a dirty people. But here we are."

Overall grade: B-

Holla at me

Not too long ago, a female blogger asked me for some career-related advice. One of her commenters had written her a long e-mail expressing his romantic interest in her, and she was unsure how to respond. Having never received such a missive myself, I didn't have any personal experience to share with my fellow lady-blogger. Until now!

In response to some off-the-cuff criticism of R. Kelly I wrote eight months ago, a reader writes in:

You seem like you may have some sexual tension issues going on. I hate to sound superficial, but if you are as attractive as me (I'm pretty damn good looking) we should get together. This is a NSA offer only. I don't wand to fuck every girl in the world, but your attitude added you to the list. Holla at me. (The Sexist)

Sadly, none of my female readers have propositioned me in such a manner. The closest I've gotten was a guy from (I think) Germany, who once wrote me an email about some post I'd written, and because he saw my profile picture--and being from Germany, not familiar with either Clinton Portis or his fondness for wacky costumes--was thus under the impression that I was a flamboyantly gay black man. Which sort of blew my mind, because in the four years I've been doing this blog and using that picture, I never, ever made that connection. I look at the photo and I see Portis dressed up as Dolla Bill. But if someone wasn't familiar with that? Yeah, I can see why he might think the photo was more Queer as Folk than Inside the NFL.

To be clear, the German guy didn't proposition me, either, but I could tell from the tone of the email that he wanted it. Dolla Bill just has that effect on dudes.

Anyway, it just now occurs to me that the reason I might not have gotten any propositions from women via my blog, is that I haven't ever made it explicitly clear that such advances are welcome, and indeed, encouraged. So here I am, doing just that.

Now, before you rush to fire off an email to arrange a get-together, a few things to keep in mind:

1) If at all possible, please be "pretty damn good looking." Unlike the guy who wrote Amanda Hess, I'm not claiming that I am or anything. It's just that if given the choice, I'd prefer "pretty damn good looking" to "pretty damn not good looking," "pretty damn average looking," or "pretty damn okay, except for this one thing you'll see when I take my clothes off."

2) If I'm coming over to your place, I'm going to either need a ride home or breakfast. Ideally both, but if I have to choose, let's say breakfast.

3) Don't call me over for the purposes of trying something weird you found on the Internet. I don't want to be your guinea pig in the same way that stand-up comics test out new material in small comedy clubs before they go on The Tonight Show.

4) If you also happen to have a blog and/or Twitter account, please don't write/tweet about our encounter. Or if you absolutely have to, don't assign me any sort of score or letter grade. I obsess over these things, and it'll just result in me hassling you to get together again so I can get my average up.

5) Also unlike the guy from above, I do want to fuck every girl in the world. But I guess I've kind of been slacking these past several years, so I have a lot of ground to cover. I mean, we're talking roughly three billion girls on the planet. So if I did the math right, I'll have to squeeze in at least eight of you a night, and even then, it's going to take me over 10,000 years. If you're number eight, I'm not going to lie to you: It's not going to be great. I mean, if you're number one, it's not going to be great. But if you're number eight? It's really not going to be great. Look, every man has a dream, and this is mine. Just go with it.

So get those emails coming! As it happens, I have all eight slots available tonight. And tomorrow. This whole week, really. I could do next week, too. How's your March looking?