Friday, January 29, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
The horribly irritating RoomStore woman
Old commercial:
New commercial:
I mean, she's still horribly irritating. But...wow. That's a makeover.
New commercial:
I mean, she's still horribly irritating. But...wow. That's a makeover.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
The Real World D.C.: Episode #5
Thoughts:
-- Josh's affection for his girlfriend is cute. But let's not forget that in the first episode, he said, "[Erika] has a boyfriend. I have a girlfriend. You know, we don't know what's going to happen with that." It's one thing to be in a relationship, gradually develop feelings for someone else, and reevaluate said relationship. But to meet your reality show roommate and immediately think, "I dunno...I mean, sure, I'm in a relationship, but maybe I'll hit that," is a little weird.
-- Hearing Josh try and dissect his relationship with his girlfriend to Ty, makes me long for the days when he was only on camera for a couple of minutes.
-- Oh, hey, Erika's actually doing something productive with her time in D.C. What a novel concept. Remember when this show actually cast people with dreams and ambitions? Or in the very least, cast a bunch of slackers, but put them to work in some fashion? We're five episodes in, and other than Mike's interview with the Human Rights Campaign and now, Erika's singing gig, all we've seen this bunch do is argue with each other, go to bars, and argue with each other while going to bars. I know--spoiler alert!--they all end up getting jobs later on, but I'm not sure giving them this much free time was such a hot idea.
-- I wonder if The Cab often invites girls to not only perform with them at places like the 9:30 Club, but actually offers to learn one of their songs. The fact it would get them on MTV doesn't have anything to do with it, does it? God, sometimes this show is so real, it hurts. (Also, I thought Erika's voice was pretty awful, but the crowd seemed to dig the song, so who knows.)
-- Poor Callie. But if you're going to bring a guy in a band back to your house and ask him if he has a girlfriend, of course he's going to say no. Of course he is. Come on.
-- If you're a girl, and you find yourself at Rhino Bar, and are frustrated that every guy there is taken, Big Planet Comics is just a few blocks away. There's no beer or dancing, but if you're looking for guys without girlfriends, chances are you'll have more luck there.
-- Ty's growing frustration at Emily's indifference towards their relationship being anything more than simply physical is great, especially given his earlier crap about women being emotionally clingy. I especially enjoy it when he goes on to try and make it sound as if there's some hidden psychological motivation for this, instead of the reality that she's mainly just using him for sex. And, I mean...it's understandable why he's pissed, because Emily is a cool chick, and I can see why he'd want something more. But she's also really hot, and you could do a lot worse than just being her sexual past time. Hell, Andrew would give his left nut for that.
-- There's no way the producers didn't "suggest" that Ty and Emily have their big talk while shooting a game of pool. The metaphor just hits you over the head like a brick. Ty saying, "I don't want to play anymore," just as he throws his cue down? Please.
Real World Wisdom:
Josh: "I'm going to get out of this house right now, have a walk, and get my nose pierced. I need some pain inflicted on me in some way."
Emily: "Ty's just fucking stupid sometimes."
Ty: "I don't want to like someone who doesn't like me."
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
2010 Washington Auto Show
It's that time of year again! The Washington Auto Show! A five-day festival of fun, cars, and a healthy mix of A-list local celebrities and C-list national ones!
I'll be honest. I don't care about cars. I know in a lot of ways, this makes me less of a man, but certainly no more so than the fact that I watch American Idol and read comic books. Don't get me wrong, if I won the lottery tomorrow, and could afford the cars that are going to be on display at the show, I'd become a car guy. Just like I'd become a yacht guy and a world's best golf courses guy, despite not currently being a sailor or golfer. But until that happens...I mean, they're cars. Who gives a shit?
So in absence of caring about the cars at the show, I usually just run down the list of celebrities attending. This year, that's a bit more difficult. I don't know if it's the bad economy or if there was just a C-list celebrity convention being held somewhere, but the guest list is awfully, awfully thin. In the past, you could at least rub elbows with the likes of Jason Campbell, Gary Sinese, and Idris Elba. Or if soap stars and Corbin Bleu were more your speed, they were there, too!
This year? Not so much.
Wednesday
Batista: Wrestlers are a mainstay of the auto show, and he was here last year. He was also here for Survivor Series back in November. If you see him, ask him what it was like to beat the crap out of Rey Mysterio. My guess? Fun!
LaVar Arrington: From The LaVar Arrington Show With Chad Dukes on 106.7 the Fan, which is really the one show on the station I can listen to for more than ten minutes. It'd be nice if Dukes showed up, too, since it seems like the only appearances he and the Rodcast crew makes are way out in Fairfax or Manassas.
Thursday
Randy Orton: From Wikipedia: "On January 13, 2010, it was reported that a complaint of assault had been filed against Orton by a fifteen year old fan in Saugus, Massachusetts. The fan alleged that Orton had spit his gum in his face and called him a profane word." So if you go up to get his autograph, for the love of God, make sure he's not chewing gum.
Bruce Boudreau, Nicklas Backstrom, Mike Green, Brooks Laich, and Slapshot: Don't know who these people are? Don't feel bad. I wasn't entirely sure myself. They're the Capitals' coach, three of his players, and the team mascot. I miss the days where you could still make fun of hockey in general, and hockey in D.C. in particular, but considering that--aside from the Washington Kastles--the Caps are the city's most winning pro sports team by far, I guess they're due a little respect. (Alex Ovechkin made an appearance at the auto show in his rookie season, but that's probably never, ever going to happen again.)
Friday
The Presidents: They may look goofy running around Nationals Park each game, but I once saw two of the Presidents standing outside ESPN Zone during a Nationals promotional event there, and I'm not going to lie, it was kind of freaky. But thanks to evolution, I think that one day we'll all be nine feet tall with disproportionately huge heads.
Darrell Green: Always appears at the show. Always refuses to sign anything but AutoTrader.com photos, lest people not go to his website and pay him anywhere from $25 to $250 for his autograph. Stay classy, Darrell.
Wizards Dance Team: If you get the chance to hit on one of them, be sure to make a joke about Gilbert Arenas and guns. I'm sure they haven't heard nearly enough of them over the past month.
Saturday
Rodney Wallace and Marc Burch: A couple of D.C. United players. I know soccer has its fans in this country, but any league that needs to put various corporate logos on its jerseys in order to be profitable (or more accurately, slightly more profitable than it would have been otherwise; which is to say, still mostly unprofitable) probably doesn't deserve to exist.
Washington Redskins Cheerleaders: If you get the chance to hit on one of them, be sure to make a joke about the team sucking. I'm sure they haven't heard nearly enough of them over the past decade.
Raheem DeVaughn: I'm not a fan, but this is probably the closest thing the auto show has to an honest-to-God celebrity this year. Which is sad on many levels.
Captain Planet: Do kids today even know who Captain Planet is? That cartoon was on when I was in high school.
Sunday
Antawn Jamison: Now that the Wizards seem to be in "Let's blow everything up" mode, I guess there's a good chance he won't be on the team when the trade deadline expires next month. But so long as he is, go up to the man and thank him for being the only adult on a team full of feckless children.
I'll be honest. I don't care about cars. I know in a lot of ways, this makes me less of a man, but certainly no more so than the fact that I watch American Idol and read comic books. Don't get me wrong, if I won the lottery tomorrow, and could afford the cars that are going to be on display at the show, I'd become a car guy. Just like I'd become a yacht guy and a world's best golf courses guy, despite not currently being a sailor or golfer. But until that happens...I mean, they're cars. Who gives a shit?
So in absence of caring about the cars at the show, I usually just run down the list of celebrities attending. This year, that's a bit more difficult. I don't know if it's the bad economy or if there was just a C-list celebrity convention being held somewhere, but the guest list is awfully, awfully thin. In the past, you could at least rub elbows with the likes of Jason Campbell, Gary Sinese, and Idris Elba. Or if soap stars and Corbin Bleu were more your speed, they were there, too!
This year? Not so much.
Wednesday
Batista: Wrestlers are a mainstay of the auto show, and he was here last year. He was also here for Survivor Series back in November. If you see him, ask him what it was like to beat the crap out of Rey Mysterio. My guess? Fun!
LaVar Arrington: From The LaVar Arrington Show With Chad Dukes on 106.7 the Fan, which is really the one show on the station I can listen to for more than ten minutes. It'd be nice if Dukes showed up, too, since it seems like the only appearances he and the Rodcast crew makes are way out in Fairfax or Manassas.
Thursday
Randy Orton: From Wikipedia: "On January 13, 2010, it was reported that a complaint of assault had been filed against Orton by a fifteen year old fan in Saugus, Massachusetts. The fan alleged that Orton had spit his gum in his face and called him a profane word." So if you go up to get his autograph, for the love of God, make sure he's not chewing gum.
Bruce Boudreau, Nicklas Backstrom, Mike Green, Brooks Laich, and Slapshot: Don't know who these people are? Don't feel bad. I wasn't entirely sure myself. They're the Capitals' coach, three of his players, and the team mascot. I miss the days where you could still make fun of hockey in general, and hockey in D.C. in particular, but considering that--aside from the Washington Kastles--the Caps are the city's most winning pro sports team by far, I guess they're due a little respect. (Alex Ovechkin made an appearance at the auto show in his rookie season, but that's probably never, ever going to happen again.)
Friday
The Presidents: They may look goofy running around Nationals Park each game, but I once saw two of the Presidents standing outside ESPN Zone during a Nationals promotional event there, and I'm not going to lie, it was kind of freaky. But thanks to evolution, I think that one day we'll all be nine feet tall with disproportionately huge heads.
Darrell Green: Always appears at the show. Always refuses to sign anything but AutoTrader.com photos, lest people not go to his website and pay him anywhere from $25 to $250 for his autograph. Stay classy, Darrell.
Wizards Dance Team: If you get the chance to hit on one of them, be sure to make a joke about Gilbert Arenas and guns. I'm sure they haven't heard nearly enough of them over the past month.
Saturday
Rodney Wallace and Marc Burch: A couple of D.C. United players. I know soccer has its fans in this country, but any league that needs to put various corporate logos on its jerseys in order to be profitable (or more accurately, slightly more profitable than it would have been otherwise; which is to say, still mostly unprofitable) probably doesn't deserve to exist.
Washington Redskins Cheerleaders: If you get the chance to hit on one of them, be sure to make a joke about the team sucking. I'm sure they haven't heard nearly enough of them over the past decade.
Raheem DeVaughn: I'm not a fan, but this is probably the closest thing the auto show has to an honest-to-God celebrity this year. Which is sad on many levels.
Captain Planet: Do kids today even know who Captain Planet is? That cartoon was on when I was in high school.
Sunday
Antawn Jamison: Now that the Wizards seem to be in "Let's blow everything up" mode, I guess there's a good chance he won't be on the team when the trade deadline expires next month. But so long as he is, go up to the man and thank him for being the only adult on a team full of feckless children.
Monday, January 25, 2010
24: 8:00 p.m.-9:00 p.m
Thoughts:
-- In 2010 (although in the 24-verse, it's probably more like 2015 or so), how does it take five hours to complete a money transfer? Even a shady one involving the Russian mob? At least Bazhaev is being a good host. "Then take both." You never saw Don Corleone be that accomodating. Russian mob > Italian mob.
-- Ziya's an idiot. $3 million for a thumb seems awfully cheap. I would have told Renee to fuck off, go to the emergency room, and get it sewn back on. This was a fairly dull episode, so I spent most of it thinking about how much it would cost for me to give up a thumb. I'd think at least $100 million. After all, you can't work an Xbox controller without both thumbs, which would really suck. But with that kind of money, you could hire swimsuit models to play Xbox for you. Which is probably more fun than actually playing it yourself.
-- I know we need the requisite stupidity-at-CTU subplot, but I'm not buying this bullshit about Dana being an ex-con who changed her identity. Considering how many times CTU has been infiltrated over the years, they should have the toughest, most brutally strict background check in the world. You shouldn't be able to get a parking ticket and be able to get CTU clearance.
-- I'm also not buying David Anders playing a nice guy. Well, a "nice" Russian mobster, anyway. This is the kind of feint 24 loves, so by the end of the season, I wouldn't be surprised to see him revealed as the primary villain.
-- This thing with Kevin and Dana is really just unspeakably dumb. Horrendously, mind-numbingly, borderline insulting to the viewers' intelligence, dumb. Couldn't we get one season where CTU pretends to be a crack government operation where this kind of stuff doesn't go down? Or if it absolutely has to, why can't Dana be smart enough to just call the cops and tell Hastings the truth? If Kevin (and Nick, his buddy on the couch) aren't dead a few episodes from now, I'm going to be pissed. I can't take 19 more episodes of this.
-- I would think you'd have to be pretty paranoid to be a Russian mobster. Yet Vladimir can't tell Renee's being fed the answers to his questions? The lengthy pauses and responses that sounded like she's just repeating what someone else was telling her, didn't give it away?
-- I guess that's one way to bring down health care costs: Send goons to your doctor's house and tell him his family is dead unless you or your loved ones get treatment. Might be worth trying if Congress doesn't get its act together.
-- Nine o'clock seems a bit early for a mob execution near a bridge that probably has a fair amount of traffic on it. But I guess they've done this sort of thing before, so who am I to second guess?
-- Try as I might, I couldn't find anything remotely interesting that Jack said this episode. So for the first time, he surrenders his weekly words of wisdom to a more quotable character. Do better next time, Jack.
Jack's confirmed kills: 0 (3 for the season)
Jack's
Overall grade: D+
-- In 2010 (although in the 24-verse, it's probably more like 2015 or so), how does it take five hours to complete a money transfer? Even a shady one involving the Russian mob? At least Bazhaev is being a good host. "Then take both." You never saw Don Corleone be that accomodating. Russian mob > Italian mob.
-- Ziya's an idiot. $3 million for a thumb seems awfully cheap. I would have told Renee to fuck off, go to the emergency room, and get it sewn back on. This was a fairly dull episode, so I spent most of it thinking about how much it would cost for me to give up a thumb. I'd think at least $100 million. After all, you can't work an Xbox controller without both thumbs, which would really suck. But with that kind of money, you could hire swimsuit models to play Xbox for you. Which is probably more fun than actually playing it yourself.
-- I know we need the requisite stupidity-at-CTU subplot, but I'm not buying this bullshit about Dana being an ex-con who changed her identity. Considering how many times CTU has been infiltrated over the years, they should have the toughest, most brutally strict background check in the world. You shouldn't be able to get a parking ticket and be able to get CTU clearance.
-- I'm also not buying David Anders playing a nice guy. Well, a "nice" Russian mobster, anyway. This is the kind of feint 24 loves, so by the end of the season, I wouldn't be surprised to see him revealed as the primary villain.
-- This thing with Kevin and Dana is really just unspeakably dumb. Horrendously, mind-numbingly, borderline insulting to the viewers' intelligence, dumb. Couldn't we get one season where CTU pretends to be a crack government operation where this kind of stuff doesn't go down? Or if it absolutely has to, why can't Dana be smart enough to just call the cops and tell Hastings the truth? If Kevin (and Nick, his buddy on the couch) aren't dead a few episodes from now, I'm going to be pissed. I can't take 19 more episodes of this.
-- I would think you'd have to be pretty paranoid to be a Russian mobster. Yet Vladimir can't tell Renee's being fed the answers to his questions? The lengthy pauses and responses that sounded like she's just repeating what someone else was telling her, didn't give it away?
-- I guess that's one way to bring down health care costs: Send goons to your doctor's house and tell him his family is dead unless you or your loved ones get treatment. Might be worth trying if Congress doesn't get its act together.
-- Nine o'clock seems a bit early for a mob execution near a bridge that probably has a fair amount of traffic on it. But I guess they've done this sort of thing before, so who am I to second guess?
-- Try as I might, I couldn't find anything remotely interesting that Jack said this episode. So for the first time, he surrenders his weekly words of wisdom to a more quotable character. Do better next time, Jack.
Jack's confirmed kills: 0 (3 for the season)
Overall grade: D+
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Third Round NFL Playoff Picks
3-1 last week; 136-128 for the season
New York Jets at Indianapolis (-8.5): Indianapolis
Minnesota at New Orleans (-3.5): New Orleans
New York Jets at Indianapolis (-8.5): Indianapolis
Minnesota at New Orleans (-3.5): New Orleans
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Legion
But I kind of liked it. Legion isn't great, but then, it was never going to be. All it aspires to be is a nice little action/horror flick, and maybe even a tiny bit profound, and in that regard, I think it mostly succeeds.
Spoilers follow...
It's really easy to dismiss this as a rip-off of The Terminator, and that was my first impression when I saw the trailer. After all, an angel trying to save the unborn savior of humanity from forces that want to kill its mother, isn't that big a leap from a robot from the future trying to do the same. But when all is said and done, the plot of Legion is really no more derivative than that of most other movies, horror or otherwise, so that aspect didn't really bother me.
The most impressive part of the film are the actors involved. You know how Moneyball detailed the A's ability to somehow field a great team without any real stars? That more or less describes Legion. There's Paul Bettany as a gun-wielding angel, Lucas Black (who deserves much better movies than this), and Dennis Quaid, who, between this, GI Joe and Pandorum, is making some interesting career choices. Adrianne Palicki makes a decent Sarah Connor, and then you have Charles S. Dutton, Tyrese Gibson, and Kate Walsh, who are good sports about some incredibly thankless roles that by all rights, should have been played by people you've never heard of.
But great acting can't save a boring script. And the script is fairly boring. When stuff does happen, it gets considerably better, and the last ten minutes or so are pretty intense. But there are plenty of long gaps in between where people talk a lot, but never say anything interesting. I'm not sure what percentage of the film involved possessed people crawling on ceilings or angels killing people, but it should have been doubled.
Unfortunately, for an R-rated film that clearly isn't worried about offending people, given its plot, the gore was just a fucking disappointment. There's a great shot of the inside of Dutton's chest cavity after his back has been splashed with acid, but that's pretty much it. The action scenes are a bit better, especially the big fight at the end between Michael and Gabriel. The razor-sharp wings were a nice touch, and you just don't see enough movies where people use maces these days.
As for the profoundness I mentioned, I'm kind of a sucker for films where a really wise character reassures us that the human race isn't entirely worthless, and Bettany delivers a great speech to that effect. So that was good.
I'd be lying if I said this was in any way a movie you need to see in theaters. It may not even be a "top of your Netflix queue" movie. But it's also not nearly as bad as some--okay, many--reviews are claiming. If you're looking for a fun, extremely blasphemous 90 minutes, you could do a lot worse.
Script: C-
Acting: B+
Gore: D+
Overall: C+
Friday, January 22, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
The Real World D.C.: Episode #4
Thoughts:
-- "I love nerds!" And yet the girl moved to D.C. of all places. Go figure.
-- "What is it with D.C., you know? Guy can't some lovin'?" Whoa, Andrew, don't blame D.C. for your lack of "lovin'." Given the fervor that surrounded the show's arrival here, the entire cast probably could have had its way with at least 10% of the population. The fact that the house has been--by Real World standards, anyway--relatively chaste, is on you guys, not us.
-- I recognize that church, but I can't place it. Remember how when the Obamas moved here, there were stories about how churches in the city were "competing," for lack of a better word, to have them as regular parishioners? But hey, Ashley and Mike from The Real World must have been the next best thing.
-- It's interesting that they showed the guys heckling the Real World-ers at the restaurant. I would have thought that the show would have edited that sort of stuff out. Anyway, I'm--and I'm not really proud of this--kind of liking Ashley again. Both she and Mike have valid points, but I'm inclined to side with her simply because, "Where's Carson Daly?" was just lame.
-- Who would have thought the non-gay portion of the Real World cast would unknowingly walk into a gay bar, and it's the bar patrons that ended up acting like asses? Look, I know D.C.'s a fairly liberal, politically correct city, but when a strange dude starts groping you and kissing your neck, it's okay to get irritated. Credit where credit's due: Ty, Josh, and Andrew handled the situation a lot more diplomatically than they had to.
-- "Babe, nothing, okay?" Ugh. Geez. I guess I get one-night stands. I guess I even get one-night stands, knowing it's going to be shown on national television. But I don't really get going back to the Real World house, getting into bed with a total stranger, and not having a one-night stand. It seems like the worst of both worlds.
-- Emily is a good roommate.
-- Ashley obviously overreacted to someone trying to take Andrew's picture, but considering that people were pretty much stalking them every single night, I can see why it wouldn't take much to make her lose her shit.
-- Is it really a "break-up" when you've only known a girl for a few days and slept with her twice, during which nothing happened?
Real World Wisdom:
Emily: "Andrew needs to go to sex school. Does that exist? It needs to for Andrew. Andrew needs to go."
Ty: "Did you know it was gay?"
Ashley: "I haven't touched myself since I've been here. Obviously, I'd be in a better mood if I did."
Andrew: "If I just close my mouth, don't make any awkward comments, maybe eventually, she'll just, out of boredom or something, give it up."
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
60 seconds of ACTION!!!
As I've been watching the new season of 24, I realized that there aren't that many action/adventure shows on TV now. Which I find kind of depressing, because when I was a kid, there were tons of them. Nowadays, there's 24 and Burn Notice, and as of this week, Human Target, and that's pretty much it. (I'm not counting stuff like Chuck or Stargate Universe, which, yes, have action, but are primarily comedy or sci-fi shows, respectively.) Americans today seem satisfied with police procedural shows like CSI or NCIS to fulfill their action needs, which is fine if all you want to see is the occasional shoot out, but not so much if you want to see a truck jump over school bus or people getting into helicopter chases.
TV characters were always getting into helicopter chases in the 80s. It was great.
Even more depressing is the lack of action show opening credits. 24 and Burn Notice don't even have them, and Human Target's, while visually nice, aren't especially entertaining.
Because the fact is, even though there were indeed tons of action shows on TV in the 80s, they weren't usually very good. For the most part, they were extremely formulaic, with simplistic plots and questionable acting. But their opening credits? Awesome. Fucking awesome. Pretty much across the board, because all the producers had to do was cherry-pick the best minute or so from hours of footage (wild stunts, stuff blowing up, characters doing something cool, and maybe a gratuitous shot of a chick in a bikini) set it to some catchy music, and they were done. I guarantee that most nights, the opening credits were better than the show that followed it.
For anyone who doesn't remember these shows--or worse, are too young to have seen them--I've included some the the best opening credits below. Partly to demonstrate what I'm talking about, but also just to have a convenient place for me to watch them whenever the mood strikes.
TV characters were always getting into helicopter chases in the 80s. It was great.
Even more depressing is the lack of action show opening credits. 24 and Burn Notice don't even have them, and Human Target's, while visually nice, aren't especially entertaining.
Because the fact is, even though there were indeed tons of action shows on TV in the 80s, they weren't usually very good. For the most part, they were extremely formulaic, with simplistic plots and questionable acting. But their opening credits? Awesome. Fucking awesome. Pretty much across the board, because all the producers had to do was cherry-pick the best minute or so from hours of footage (wild stunts, stuff blowing up, characters doing something cool, and maybe a gratuitous shot of a chick in a bikini) set it to some catchy music, and they were done. I guarantee that most nights, the opening credits were better than the show that followed it.
For anyone who doesn't remember these shows--or worse, are too young to have seen them--I've included some the the best opening credits below. Partly to demonstrate what I'm talking about, but also just to have a convenient place for me to watch them whenever the mood strikes.
The A-Team
The Fall Guy
MacGyver
Matt Houston
Simon & Simon
The Fall Guy
Hardcastle and McCormick
MacGyver
Magnum, P.I.
Riptide
Simon & Simon
Monday, January 18, 2010
24: 7:00 p.m.-8:00 p.m
Thoughts:
-- I almost feel bad for Hastings. You can tell that he just wants to do is the absolute minimum his job requires and not be hassled by stuff and be able to blame other people for his mistakes, and fucking Jack Bauer and Freddie Prinze Jr. are screwing that up for him. I can totally relate to all that. Well, not the Jack Bauer and Freddie Prinze Jr. part. But everything else.
-- Good for Farhad for taking out a CTU agent with his pen, but wasn't that a bit rash? I mean, there are dozens of reasons why people would want to kill Hassan. I don't see why it would have necessarily led back to Farhad.
-- Now that Jack's saved Cole's life, I really don't want there to be any sort of scene down the road where Cole doubts Jack's theory about something or thinks he's a traitor or anything along those lines. If he has any doubts, he should look up Mike Doyle's file. Mike thought he knew better than Jack, and now he'd blind.
-- "I was actually thinking he should thank Jack, then Cole, then maybe me." Awesome. Every year, I kind of hope Chloe gets killed off for some reason, but this year, I'm really enjoying her. Which means that this probably will be the year she gets killed off. Sorry, Chloe.
-- Renee! I'm not sure if she and Jack really had any romantic chemistry last season, but I'm always afraid the show will bring Audrey back at some point since the producers seem to like her and because Kim Raver's shows keep getting cancelled, so if Renee and Jack getting together would stop that from happening, I'm all for it.
-- If Cole wasn't engaged to Dana, after President Hassan thanked him for saving his life, would, "Oh, yeah? Then how about introducing me to that hottie daughter of yours?" been an inappropriate response?
-- Cylon Number Two is playing one of the Russians. If he and Dana don't have a scene together, I'm going to be disappointed.
-- I can already tell that Renee's annoyed facial expressions are going to be a source of great hilarity.
-- It's a bit unnerving to see Jack get freaked out by someone else's psychotic tendencies. It's going to be a fun season.
Jack's confirmed kills: 1 (3 for the season)
Jack's Words of Wisdom: "Renee, I know where you are, and it's a dark place."
Overall grade: A
-- I almost feel bad for Hastings. You can tell that he just wants to do is the absolute minimum his job requires and not be hassled by stuff and be able to blame other people for his mistakes, and fucking Jack Bauer and Freddie Prinze Jr. are screwing that up for him. I can totally relate to all that. Well, not the Jack Bauer and Freddie Prinze Jr. part. But everything else.
-- Good for Farhad for taking out a CTU agent with his pen, but wasn't that a bit rash? I mean, there are dozens of reasons why people would want to kill Hassan. I don't see why it would have necessarily led back to Farhad.
-- Now that Jack's saved Cole's life, I really don't want there to be any sort of scene down the road where Cole doubts Jack's theory about something or thinks he's a traitor or anything along those lines. If he has any doubts, he should look up Mike Doyle's file. Mike thought he knew better than Jack, and now he'd blind.
-- "I was actually thinking he should thank Jack, then Cole, then maybe me." Awesome. Every year, I kind of hope Chloe gets killed off for some reason, but this year, I'm really enjoying her. Which means that this probably will be the year she gets killed off. Sorry, Chloe.
-- Renee! I'm not sure if she and Jack really had any romantic chemistry last season, but I'm always afraid the show will bring Audrey back at some point since the producers seem to like her and because Kim Raver's shows keep getting cancelled, so if Renee and Jack getting together would stop that from happening, I'm all for it.
-- If Cole wasn't engaged to Dana, after President Hassan thanked him for saving his life, would, "Oh, yeah? Then how about introducing me to that hottie daughter of yours?" been an inappropriate response?
-- Cylon Number Two is playing one of the Russians. If he and Dana don't have a scene together, I'm going to be disappointed.
-- I can already tell that Renee's annoyed facial expressions are going to be a source of great hilarity.
-- It's a bit unnerving to see Jack get freaked out by someone else's psychotic tendencies. It's going to be a fun season.
Jack's confirmed kills: 1 (3 for the season)
Jack's Words of Wisdom: "Renee, I know where you are, and it's a dark place."
Overall grade: A
24: 6:00 p.m.-7:00 p.m
Thoughts:
-- If a terrorist ever tells you that if you do what he wants, he'll let you go, despite the fact that you've seen his face and know where he's going, for fuck's sake, don't do it. I mean, yeah, he'll kill you, but he was going to do it anyway. And yeah, because you won't do what he wants, he'll probably torture you a bit. Or your wife. But still. Show a little patriotism, huh?
-- Jack Bauer vs. some punks on a basketball court doesn't have quite the same dramatic tension as Jack Bauer vs. international terrorists or Jack Bauer vs. the President of the United States, but it was still a fun scene to watch.
-- I could watch Katee Sackhoff prance around CTU in that dress and spouting technobabble and never get bored, but if the trade-off is having to watch her argue with her white trash ex-boyfriend (or whoever he is), I'd just as soon Dana get killed off sooner rather than later.
-- I like Hassan confessing the truth to Hastings about his affair. It's a very un-24-like thing for a character on this show to do. I thought for sure this thing would be dragged out for at least a couple more episodes.
-- When this day is over, rather than end with a shot of Jack brooding, as 24 seasons are wont to end, I hope he pays that cop a visit and breaks the rest of his ribs.
-- I would have thought the authorities would have checked that manhole cover, and kept it under constant surveillance, to prevent something just like this from happening. But what the hell do I know? I'm not a CTU agent.
-- How long will it take Jack to make it to the U.N.? Based on how fast he was able to get from downtown D.C. to Alexandria last season, it shouldn't be any more than 5-10 minutes.
Jack's confirmed kills: 0 (2 for the season)
Jack's Words of Wisdom: "Officer, this is going down now. You can either stand here and do nothing or you can help me stop it."
Overall grade: B
-- If a terrorist ever tells you that if you do what he wants, he'll let you go, despite the fact that you've seen his face and know where he's going, for fuck's sake, don't do it. I mean, yeah, he'll kill you, but he was going to do it anyway. And yeah, because you won't do what he wants, he'll probably torture you a bit. Or your wife. But still. Show a little patriotism, huh?
-- Jack Bauer vs. some punks on a basketball court doesn't have quite the same dramatic tension as Jack Bauer vs. international terrorists or Jack Bauer vs. the President of the United States, but it was still a fun scene to watch.
-- I could watch Katee Sackhoff prance around CTU in that dress and spouting technobabble and never get bored, but if the trade-off is having to watch her argue with her white trash ex-boyfriend (or whoever he is), I'd just as soon Dana get killed off sooner rather than later.
-- I like Hassan confessing the truth to Hastings about his affair. It's a very un-24-like thing for a character on this show to do. I thought for sure this thing would be dragged out for at least a couple more episodes.
-- When this day is over, rather than end with a shot of Jack brooding, as 24 seasons are wont to end, I hope he pays that cop a visit and breaks the rest of his ribs.
-- I would have thought the authorities would have checked that manhole cover, and kept it under constant surveillance, to prevent something just like this from happening. But what the hell do I know? I'm not a CTU agent.
-- How long will it take Jack to make it to the U.N.? Based on how fast he was able to get from downtown D.C. to Alexandria last season, it shouldn't be any more than 5-10 minutes.
Jack's confirmed kills: 0 (2 for the season)
Jack's Words of Wisdom: "Officer, this is going down now. You can either stand here and do nothing or you can help me stop it."
Overall grade: B
Sunday, January 17, 2010
24: 5:00 p.m.-6:00 p.m
Thoughts:
-- Aw. CTU replaced that great ringtone of theirs. I was actually tempted to download that for my cell phone a few years ago, but at the last minute, it dawned on me that maybe it wouldn't be quite as cool as I thought, and indeed, might even be considered lame. Yeah, I know. I don't get it, either.
-- No one ever wants to postpone peace conferences on this show. You'd think that maybe by now, what with all the terrorism and dead people and all, the idea wouldn't be immediately dismissed.
-- Wow, CTU identified the perceived threat to President Hassan and coordinated a take down in no time flat. The L.A. branch never would have been this efficient. Of course, this all but guarantees that the reporter is totally innocent and they got the wrong person. But still, well done, CTU.
-- Incidentally, in 24-time, it's been roughly 15 years since the show started. That means most of the people in CTU New York were in high school way back in the first season.
-- If Dana doesn't want people staring at her breasts, maybe she shouldn't wear that outfit to the office. I'm surprised anyone's looking at anything aside from her breasts.
-- And the season makes its first major misstep with this retarded bit about Dana being blackmailed or threatened or whatever by the redneck guy from her past. Just once, it would be nice if we didn't have to sit through this sort of CTU nonsense, which will inevitably result in all kinds of bad things happening, and could have easily been prevented by Dana/Jenny/whoever simply telling the truth from the start.
-- I can't believe Kim, of all people, is having to talk Jack into doing the right thing. This might be the lowest point of the whole series. Well, not really. Not even close. But still, it's pretty awful.
-- I get that Hastings is sort of the incompetent, cover-your-ass bureaucrat-type, ala George Mason. But again, by now doesn't it just make sense to treat anything Jack Bauer tells you as gospel?
-- Heh. Shooting a man's wife in the leg to make a point. At least Mike boned up on Bauer 101, even if Hastings hasn't.
Jack's confirmed kills: 0 (2 for the season)
Jack's Words of Wisdom: "I hate this place."
Overall grade: B-
-- Aw. CTU replaced that great ringtone of theirs. I was actually tempted to download that for my cell phone a few years ago, but at the last minute, it dawned on me that maybe it wouldn't be quite as cool as I thought, and indeed, might even be considered lame. Yeah, I know. I don't get it, either.
-- No one ever wants to postpone peace conferences on this show. You'd think that maybe by now, what with all the terrorism and dead people and all, the idea wouldn't be immediately dismissed.
-- Wow, CTU identified the perceived threat to President Hassan and coordinated a take down in no time flat. The L.A. branch never would have been this efficient. Of course, this all but guarantees that the reporter is totally innocent and they got the wrong person. But still, well done, CTU.
-- Incidentally, in 24-time, it's been roughly 15 years since the show started. That means most of the people in CTU New York were in high school way back in the first season.
-- If Dana doesn't want people staring at her breasts, maybe she shouldn't wear that outfit to the office. I'm surprised anyone's looking at anything aside from her breasts.
-- And the season makes its first major misstep with this retarded bit about Dana being blackmailed or threatened or whatever by the redneck guy from her past. Just once, it would be nice if we didn't have to sit through this sort of CTU nonsense, which will inevitably result in all kinds of bad things happening, and could have easily been prevented by Dana/Jenny/whoever simply telling the truth from the start.
-- I can't believe Kim, of all people, is having to talk Jack into doing the right thing. This might be the lowest point of the whole series. Well, not really. Not even close. But still, it's pretty awful.
-- I get that Hastings is sort of the incompetent, cover-your-ass bureaucrat-type, ala George Mason. But again, by now doesn't it just make sense to treat anything Jack Bauer tells you as gospel?
-- Heh. Shooting a man's wife in the leg to make a point. At least Mike boned up on Bauer 101, even if Hastings hasn't.
Jack's confirmed kills: 0 (2 for the season)
Jack's Words of Wisdom: "I hate this place."
Overall grade: B-
24: 4:00 p.m.-5:00 p.m
Thoughts:
-- I like Jack's granddaughter. The last time this show tried to introduce a kid (Jack's nephew in season six), it was a complete disaster. But this one's cute, and thankfully, can barely talk, so her annoyance factor should be small. Also, after Kim turned out to be such a loser, you know Jack's itching for a second chance at raising a kid right.
-- Ugh. President Taylor's back. I mean, I knew she would be, but it's still unpleasant seeing her. Worst 24 president ever. And that's counting the one who tried to kill innocent Americans.
-- In the 24-verse, why the hell would anyone have any sort of peace conference in the U.S.? It's practically an invitation for terrorists to come into the country.
-- Freddie Prinze Jr. in the house! And holy shit, CTU's all futuristic! And Starbuck! And Chloe! And...Starbuck's telling Chloe how to use a computer? Whoa.
-- "Who is Jack Bauer?" Shouldn't that be covered on day one of CTU orientation? Right after "How to tell if your co-worker is a mole"
-- The guy in the gray coat and goatee looks a little like Dustin Diamond if he'd seriously buffed up and become a trained killer after Saved By The Bell, as opposed to a failed stand-up comic and reality TV star.
-- So are Cole and Dana sleeping together, or just wishing they were? Either way, being in a physical or emotional relationship on this show is the best way to get yourself killed, so I wouldn't get too attached. (See also, President Hassan and the blonde reporter chick.)
-- Jesus Christ! Has Jack ever killed anyone with an axe before? Either way, great first kill of the season!
-- Frankly, on this show, it would have been more shocking if the helicopter hadn't been blown up.
Jack's confirmed kills: 2 (2 for the season)
Jack's Words of Wisdom: "I'm not going back to CTU. I delivered him, I'm done."
Overall grade: A+
-- I like Jack's granddaughter. The last time this show tried to introduce a kid (Jack's nephew in season six), it was a complete disaster. But this one's cute, and thankfully, can barely talk, so her annoyance factor should be small. Also, after Kim turned out to be such a loser, you know Jack's itching for a second chance at raising a kid right.
-- Ugh. President Taylor's back. I mean, I knew she would be, but it's still unpleasant seeing her. Worst 24 president ever. And that's counting the one who tried to kill innocent Americans.
-- In the 24-verse, why the hell would anyone have any sort of peace conference in the U.S.? It's practically an invitation for terrorists to come into the country.
-- Freddie Prinze Jr. in the house! And holy shit, CTU's all futuristic! And Starbuck! And Chloe! And...Starbuck's telling Chloe how to use a computer? Whoa.
-- "Who is Jack Bauer?" Shouldn't that be covered on day one of CTU orientation? Right after "How to tell if your co-worker is a mole"
-- The guy in the gray coat and goatee looks a little like Dustin Diamond if he'd seriously buffed up and become a trained killer after Saved By The Bell, as opposed to a failed stand-up comic and reality TV star.
-- So are Cole and Dana sleeping together, or just wishing they were? Either way, being in a physical or emotional relationship on this show is the best way to get yourself killed, so I wouldn't get too attached. (See also, President Hassan and the blonde reporter chick.)
-- Jesus Christ! Has Jack ever killed anyone with an axe before? Either way, great first kill of the season!
-- Frankly, on this show, it would have been more shocking if the helicopter hadn't been blown up.
Jack's confirmed kills: 2 (2 for the season)
Jack's Words of Wisdom: "I'm not going back to CTU. I delivered him, I'm done."
Overall grade: A+
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Second Round NFL Playoff Picks
1-3 last week; 133-127 for the season
Arizona at New Orleans (-7): New Orleans
Baltimore at Indianapolis (-6.5): Indianapolis
Dallas at Minnesota (-3): Minnesota
New York Jets at San Diego (-7): San Diego
Arizona at New Orleans (-7): New Orleans
Baltimore at Indianapolis (-6.5): Indianapolis
Dallas at Minnesota (-3): Minnesota
New York Jets at San Diego (-7): San Diego
Friday, January 15, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
The Real World D.C.: Episode #3
Thoughts:
-- I'm with Emily. I don't get why everyone's making a big deal about she and Ty sleeping together, either. I mean, it's the Real World. Wouldn't it be more unusual if people weren't having sex inside the house? I did get a kick out of Andrew's lame attempt to play detective: "Hey, Ty, you want to get laid tonight or what? Why not?" There's a technique you never saw on Scooby Doo.
-- For me, Ashley's the hardest person in the cast to get a handle on. She goes from annoying and needy to kind of cool and funny on the turn of a dime. Her propensity for walking around in nothing but a towel is also a big plus. And regardless of what she's wearing, "I love bacon" is honestly one of the hottest things any girl can say ever.
-- For the amount of money Washington Sports Clubs charge, I'd be kind of pissed if I showed up and found a reality show camera crew filming in there. Granted, the cast members seemed to be getting a private workout away from the main floor, but still.
-- I'm curious: Suppose Ty's ex-girlfriend...oh, I don't know...didn't, for whatever reason, want her end of an incredibly intimate conversation with her ex-boyfriend broadcast on national television, and refused to sign a release giving MTV permission to air it. Would the producers still have allowed Ty to talk to her? It's hard to figure out what's "real" on this show and what isn't.
-- Given the absolutely ridiculous amount of time the show has spent on Ty and Emily this season, I can only assume the other cast members were doing absolutely fucking nothing the entire rest of the time. If it weren't for Callie's weight issues, this episode would be 100% two really annoying people going back and forth between flirting and squabbling.
-- "Shut up. Stop losing eye contact with me." Man, Ty's awesome with the pillow talk. Why did Emily walk out?
-- Watching Ty and Emily joke the next morning about what seemed to be on the verge of being a serious physical altercation ("A Mr. & Mrs. Smith fight," Emily? Really? I saw that movie, and I don't remember a scene where Brad Pitt gets pulled off of Angelina Jolie by his housemates) is somewhat disturbing, as is the fact that everyone else aside from an appropriately horrified Mike doesn't seem to think it's a big deal. Ashley--who I'm back to hating for now--in particular, seems to have constructed some weird romantic saga featuring Ty and Emily in her head, where they're obviously meant for each other, and this is just the part in the movie where they go through a rough patch.
-- I'm sorry, I'm sure Emily's tearful speech about women and the problems they have with their body image is entirely on point, but I just can't take her seriously with this as her backdrop.
-- You know that scene in Sherlock Holmes where Holmes suggests to Lord Blackwood that he and Watson might like to dissect Blackwood's brain after he's hung? I kind of feel that way about Ty's brain. Science needs to know what's going on in there. For someone who's demonstrated an astonishing level of insecurity vis-Ã -vis his relationship with Emily, he's awfully slow to understand why everyone's pissed off at him. And I don't think it's that he doesn't care (although, he obviously doesn't), it's that he seems genuinely confused that people aren't embracing the awesome bluntness that is Ty.
-- "You're Pretty"? Seriously hating Ashley now. She's going to have to spend the entire next episode in a towel if she wants to dig herself out of this hole.
-- By inserting herself into the Ty/Emily and Ty/Callie fights, Erika finally got a few lines this season. But Josh, other than his brief conversation with Andrew (also about Callie, oddly enough), is still MIA. Is he off having crazy adventures while all this is going on? Did he get lost on the Metro? What?
Real World Wisdom:
Erika: "She must be one of those, like, girls who doesn't like to cuddle after she fucks."
Ashley: "Are you guys having sex now or in five minutes?"
Callie: "I don't know if I can be comfortable being around you if you're just going to judge me and be an asshole to me."
Ty: "Maybe I should hold off a little on pushing people's buttons, because there are certain issues that, you know, people have been struggling with their entire lives."
American Idol Spin-Off Showcase
Recently, I've read a few articles from TV critics regarding the new season of American Idol. And weirdly, they all seem to be saying the same thing: This season should be more about the contestants than the judges.
Which I think is bullshit. I mean, sure, it's a nice bonus getting to hear some good singing, but really, I think for most viewers, it's about the judges, specifically Simon. Would anyone be watching this show if it had the same panel as, say, America's Got Talent?
So the news of Simon leaving after this season pretty much sounds the show's death knell, in my opinion. Sure, it might limp along, but come on. Randy as the head judge? Please. They either need to find someone meaner than Simon or batshit crazier than Paula in order to maintain viewer interest.
But failing that, I'd like to pitch Fox a few ideas for American Idol spin-offs. These aren't spin-offs focused on singing competitions, like those terrible American Juniors or World Idol shows were, but reality shows about the people who don't make it through. If the audience for the original show is going to go down the toilet without Simon--and it will--Fox might as well try and milk the brand for as much as it can before the whole franchise implodes.
American Idiots
Obviously, the best kind of American Idol contestants are the delusional ones who not only have no idea that they can't sing, but actively believe they can. They just know they're destined for stardom, and to leave their sad, insignificant lives behind for fame and fortune. Then they finally audition, and it all comes crashing down around them, and before too long, they're begging for another chance, or talking back to the judges, or generally just making complete asses out of themselves, before finally leaving the room sad, angry, confused, and often crying. (My personal all-time favorite tantrum was the girl from either last season or the season before, who had been on American Juniors when she was a child, and somehow thought that would impress the judges. It didn't, and neither did her voice.)
And that's who American Idiots would focus on.
The show would follow ex-contestants in the aftermath of their horrible Idol auditions. Like, what do they do when they get home? Scream at their parents about not being supportive enough? Fire their voice coach? Angrily blog about how cruel the judges were to them? And even better, what happens the day after their episode airs? How do they go into work or back to school? What sort of mocking do they suffer? How often do they get stopped on the street and asked, "Hey, aren't you that guy who cried on American Idol last night and had to be dragged out by security?"
With all due modesty, I could see this show easily overtaking the original in popularity, because if there's one thing America loves more than rewarding a winner, it's heaping scorn upon a loser.
American Parents
I think we can all agree that any humiliation or psychological damage suffered by the contestants is totally self-inflicted. Maybe those kids from the first season who didn't know better had an excuse, but anyone since then can't reasonably claim they didn't know Simon might say mean things to them.
But you know who is worth feeling sorry for? Their parents.
Suppose your kid tells you he or she wants to audition for American Idol. Now, you've heard your kid sing, and you know he or she isn't any fucking good. But what can you do? Tell them no? Refuse to go with them and support them? Of course not. So you're forced to wait for hours on end with a bunch of other parents who don't want to be there, and then wait outside the audition room, making polite conversation with Ryan Seacrest until your spawn exits the audition, sobbing. At which point, you have to hug him or her and say everything's going to be okay, all the while, dreading looking like a fool on national television. After all, it's not your fault your kid has no talent. Why should you suffer?
If you are going to suffer, though, you might as well get paid to vent on camera about how horribly screwed up the priorities of America's youth are, while you're waiting for your kid to audition. If Fox itself doesn't want to air the show, I'll bet Fox News would. Sarah Palin could host it!
(Almost) American Idols
Even in countries that most of us have never heard of, even in countries that hate our guts, American pop culture is often incredibly popular. Now, the odds of a Jonas Brothers or Justin Timberlake tour passing though a place like Libya or Turkmenistan seems fairly small. So why not package some of those contestants from American Idol who are decent singers, but not quite decent enough to win, into fake bands and send them off to perform in some of the more remote corners of the world?
Everyone wins: The former contestants get treated like stars (well, sort of, although I doubt the hotels in Burma are exactly five-star), the citizens of some of the more out-of-the-way countries in the world get to see a real life American pop music concert (even if it does feature singers and songs they've never heard of before), promoters get brand new markets for ticket and merchandise sales, and back here, Americans get a new TV show to watch.
And if some of these fake bands end up losing members along the way, whether it's due to a terrorist attack, being kidnapped and sold into white slavery, or being sentenced to 50 years in prison because the police found an ounce of weed on one of them, the good news is that there will always more kids to replace them.
Which I think is bullshit. I mean, sure, it's a nice bonus getting to hear some good singing, but really, I think for most viewers, it's about the judges, specifically Simon. Would anyone be watching this show if it had the same panel as, say, America's Got Talent?
So the news of Simon leaving after this season pretty much sounds the show's death knell, in my opinion. Sure, it might limp along, but come on. Randy as the head judge? Please. They either need to find someone meaner than Simon or batshit crazier than Paula in order to maintain viewer interest.
But failing that, I'd like to pitch Fox a few ideas for American Idol spin-offs. These aren't spin-offs focused on singing competitions, like those terrible American Juniors or World Idol shows were, but reality shows about the people who don't make it through. If the audience for the original show is going to go down the toilet without Simon--and it will--Fox might as well try and milk the brand for as much as it can before the whole franchise implodes.
American Idiots
Obviously, the best kind of American Idol contestants are the delusional ones who not only have no idea that they can't sing, but actively believe they can. They just know they're destined for stardom, and to leave their sad, insignificant lives behind for fame and fortune. Then they finally audition, and it all comes crashing down around them, and before too long, they're begging for another chance, or talking back to the judges, or generally just making complete asses out of themselves, before finally leaving the room sad, angry, confused, and often crying. (My personal all-time favorite tantrum was the girl from either last season or the season before, who had been on American Juniors when she was a child, and somehow thought that would impress the judges. It didn't, and neither did her voice.)
And that's who American Idiots would focus on.
The show would follow ex-contestants in the aftermath of their horrible Idol auditions. Like, what do they do when they get home? Scream at their parents about not being supportive enough? Fire their voice coach? Angrily blog about how cruel the judges were to them? And even better, what happens the day after their episode airs? How do they go into work or back to school? What sort of mocking do they suffer? How often do they get stopped on the street and asked, "Hey, aren't you that guy who cried on American Idol last night and had to be dragged out by security?"
With all due modesty, I could see this show easily overtaking the original in popularity, because if there's one thing America loves more than rewarding a winner, it's heaping scorn upon a loser.
American Parents
I think we can all agree that any humiliation or psychological damage suffered by the contestants is totally self-inflicted. Maybe those kids from the first season who didn't know better had an excuse, but anyone since then can't reasonably claim they didn't know Simon might say mean things to them.
But you know who is worth feeling sorry for? Their parents.
Suppose your kid tells you he or she wants to audition for American Idol. Now, you've heard your kid sing, and you know he or she isn't any fucking good. But what can you do? Tell them no? Refuse to go with them and support them? Of course not. So you're forced to wait for hours on end with a bunch of other parents who don't want to be there, and then wait outside the audition room, making polite conversation with Ryan Seacrest until your spawn exits the audition, sobbing. At which point, you have to hug him or her and say everything's going to be okay, all the while, dreading looking like a fool on national television. After all, it's not your fault your kid has no talent. Why should you suffer?
If you are going to suffer, though, you might as well get paid to vent on camera about how horribly screwed up the priorities of America's youth are, while you're waiting for your kid to audition. If Fox itself doesn't want to air the show, I'll bet Fox News would. Sarah Palin could host it!
(Almost) American Idols
Even in countries that most of us have never heard of, even in countries that hate our guts, American pop culture is often incredibly popular. Now, the odds of a Jonas Brothers or Justin Timberlake tour passing though a place like Libya or Turkmenistan seems fairly small. So why not package some of those contestants from American Idol who are decent singers, but not quite decent enough to win, into fake bands and send them off to perform in some of the more remote corners of the world?
Everyone wins: The former contestants get treated like stars (well, sort of, although I doubt the hotels in Burma are exactly five-star), the citizens of some of the more out-of-the-way countries in the world get to see a real life American pop music concert (even if it does feature singers and songs they've never heard of before), promoters get brand new markets for ticket and merchandise sales, and back here, Americans get a new TV show to watch.
And if some of these fake bands end up losing members along the way, whether it's due to a terrorist attack, being kidnapped and sold into white slavery, or being sentenced to 50 years in prison because the police found an ounce of weed on one of them, the good news is that there will always more kids to replace them.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Mistaken e-dentity
Relatively speaking, I was one of the earlier people to sign up for Gmail. Not, like, super early or anything. I didn't work for Google, nor was I one of those important people on the Internet where Google thought, "Hey, we have to get this person on board!" and sent him or her one of the first invitations. I also wasn't one of the idiots bidding hundreds of dollars for an invite on eBay. I just knew of a mostly unknown online forum where people had invitations, and were willing to give them out.
So I was able to get my preferred email address: the first letter of my first name, followed by my last name. After years of suffering through various AOL, Hotmail, and Yahoo! accounts, where people with my name had long since beaten me to all the good email addresses, I finally had one I was happy with. And for good measure, when Gmail sent me some invitations of my own to distribute, I instead used them to snatch up every variation of my name I could think of, so no one else could have them, either. Kind of a dick move, I admit, but I had this fantasy where the people who had my name on AOL or Hotmail got their Gmail invitations, and became furious when they discovered that they'd have to stick with their suddenly far less desirable AOL or Hotmail account.
Of course, the downside to having a "first letter of my first name, last name" email address is that I often get emails sent to me by mistake. This has been happening for years, but for whatever reason, it's gotten pretty bad over the last few months. Here are the better ones I've gotten:
-- A company sent me an invitation to go on some sort of all-expenses-paid corporate junket, where we'd be hunting doves. Who the hell thinks stalking and killing the living embodiment of world peace is a good way to get people's business? Well, maybe Blackwater, Halliburton, or the NRA. But all things being equal, they probably should have just offered a week in Hawaii.
-- A group of coworkers who kept forwarding each other a bunch of insipid motivational and chain emails (i.e., support the troops by adding a picture of an eagle to this email, and then forward to five of your friends). At first, I was amused enough to let the emails keep coming for a few weeks, but it got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore, and finally let them know they had the wrong person. It took three attempts before they stopped forwarding me stuff, which just proves my theory that all those idiots who love forwarding people crappy emails, never actually take the time to read them.
-- This request: "Would you PLEASE teach me how to suck a DICK?"
At first, I naturally assumed this was spam. But no, it turns out it really was an actual person, who hopefully was mortified when I told her that I wasn't who she thought I was. (In case you're wondering, no, I didn't offer to teach her. I know that various organizations are always telling us that young people need mentors and urging us to get involved, but I don't think this is what they mean.)
-- A draft of a farewell email that an executive of a prominent corporation who was being laid off, sent himself. Don't feel too bad for him. Apparently, he was leaving with plenty of stock.
-- A Mexican company sent me numerous confidential documents as attachments, under the impression that I worked for an American company they were doing business with. I kept trying to tell them that they had the wrong person, but they apparently didn't understand, so the emails kept coming. Eventually, I went to Babel Fish, typed out my response, translated it into Spanish, and that finally got them to stop.
-- The mother of an AIDS patient, whose platelet count was low and wasn't feeling well, wanting to know if I thought it would be good idea to let her son go to a casino. I personally did not, but it didn't really seem like my place to say so.
-- Some Japanese company trying to sell me cell phones in bulk. This one, I actually played along with.
Company: Dear friend: Thanks for your inquiry. following is our quoted price: HTC Magic Google myTouch Phone G2 A6161 NEW UNLOCKED 134PC. MOQ : 10PCS
Me: Can you do $10 each?
Company: Are you joking?
Me: Okay. $20. Take it or leave it.
Company: How many you need?
Me: Just the one.
Company: You are a fun person.That's impossible.
Me: Okay. Well, thanks anyway.
So I was able to get my preferred email address: the first letter of my first name, followed by my last name. After years of suffering through various AOL, Hotmail, and Yahoo! accounts, where people with my name had long since beaten me to all the good email addresses, I finally had one I was happy with. And for good measure, when Gmail sent me some invitations of my own to distribute, I instead used them to snatch up every variation of my name I could think of, so no one else could have them, either. Kind of a dick move, I admit, but I had this fantasy where the people who had my name on AOL or Hotmail got their Gmail invitations, and became furious when they discovered that they'd have to stick with their suddenly far less desirable AOL or Hotmail account.
Of course, the downside to having a "first letter of my first name, last name" email address is that I often get emails sent to me by mistake. This has been happening for years, but for whatever reason, it's gotten pretty bad over the last few months. Here are the better ones I've gotten:
-- A company sent me an invitation to go on some sort of all-expenses-paid corporate junket, where we'd be hunting doves. Who the hell thinks stalking and killing the living embodiment of world peace is a good way to get people's business? Well, maybe Blackwater, Halliburton, or the NRA. But all things being equal, they probably should have just offered a week in Hawaii.
-- A group of coworkers who kept forwarding each other a bunch of insipid motivational and chain emails (i.e., support the troops by adding a picture of an eagle to this email, and then forward to five of your friends). At first, I was amused enough to let the emails keep coming for a few weeks, but it got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore, and finally let them know they had the wrong person. It took three attempts before they stopped forwarding me stuff, which just proves my theory that all those idiots who love forwarding people crappy emails, never actually take the time to read them.
-- This request: "Would you PLEASE teach me how to suck a DICK?"
At first, I naturally assumed this was spam. But no, it turns out it really was an actual person, who hopefully was mortified when I told her that I wasn't who she thought I was. (In case you're wondering, no, I didn't offer to teach her. I know that various organizations are always telling us that young people need mentors and urging us to get involved, but I don't think this is what they mean.)
-- A draft of a farewell email that an executive of a prominent corporation who was being laid off, sent himself. Don't feel too bad for him. Apparently, he was leaving with plenty of stock.
-- A Mexican company sent me numerous confidential documents as attachments, under the impression that I worked for an American company they were doing business with. I kept trying to tell them that they had the wrong person, but they apparently didn't understand, so the emails kept coming. Eventually, I went to Babel Fish, typed out my response, translated it into Spanish, and that finally got them to stop.
-- The mother of an AIDS patient, whose platelet count was low and wasn't feeling well, wanting to know if I thought it would be good idea to let her son go to a casino. I personally did not, but it didn't really seem like my place to say so.
-- Some Japanese company trying to sell me cell phones in bulk. This one, I actually played along with.
Company: Dear friend: Thanks for your inquiry. following is our quoted price: HTC Magic Google myTouch Phone G2 A6161 NEW UNLOCKED 134PC. MOQ : 10PCS
Me: Can you do $10 each?
Company: Are you joking?
Me: Okay. $20. Take it or leave it.
Company: How many you need?
Me: Just the one.
Company: You are a fun person.That's impossible.
Me: Okay. Well, thanks anyway.
Saturday, January 09, 2010
First Round NFL Playoff Picks
11 -5 last week; 132-124 for the season
New York Jets at Cincinnati (-2.5): Cincinnati
Philadelphia at Dallas (-3.5): Philadelphia
Baltimore at New England (-3.5): Baltimore
Green Bay at Arizona (PK): Green Bay
New York Jets at Cincinnati (-2.5): Cincinnati
Philadelphia at Dallas (-3.5): Philadelphia
Baltimore at New England (-3.5): Baltimore
Green Bay at Arizona (PK): Green Bay
Friday, January 08, 2010
Thursday, January 07, 2010
The Challenger's Guide to Winning the 2010 D.C. Mayoral Election
Step 1: Announce that as the mayor of the District of Columbia, you will work tirelessly to repeal the 5¢ tax on all paper and plastic bags that went into effect this week.
Step 2: Celebrate landslide victory over Mayor Fenty.
The End
I can't remember a bigger pain in the ass than this stupid tax. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind paying the money to clean up the Anacostia River. After all, I'm a Democrat. I love the idea of taxing people in order to advance a hippie liberal agenda like environmentalism. No, it's the extra step you have to go through in order to get to the point where you pay the 5¢-per-bag.
I've had almost this exact same conversation a dozen times this week:
Clerk: "That'll be $2.50. Would you like a bag?"
Me: "Please."
Clerk: "That'll be an extra five cents."
Me: "Yeah, okay."
Now, admittedly, this doesn't seem like a huge inconvenience. But then you realize that this is likely going to be a part of almost every transaction you make in this city from now until...well, who knows how long it'll be until businesses decide it's okay to just tack on the tax without feeling the need to tell you about it?
And even though the tax only applies to businesses that "sell food or alcohol," that's a pretty big umbrella. Buying a book at Borders? Guess what? There's a Seattle's Best Coffee somewhere in the store. That'll be five cents. And seeing as how businesses get to keep part of the tax, I wouldn't be surprised to see stores that don't sell food or alcohol beginning to charge the tax, too.
All things being equal, I'd rather D.C. had just found some way to take an extra $50 a year out of everyone's paycheck. Not only would it make purchases less of a hassle, but you'd only have the city grabbing money out of your wallet annually, as opposed to multiple times daily.
Step 2: Celebrate landslide victory over Mayor Fenty.
The End
I can't remember a bigger pain in the ass than this stupid tax. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind paying the money to clean up the Anacostia River. After all, I'm a Democrat. I love the idea of taxing people in order to advance a hippie liberal agenda like environmentalism. No, it's the extra step you have to go through in order to get to the point where you pay the 5¢-per-bag.
I've had almost this exact same conversation a dozen times this week:
Clerk: "That'll be $2.50. Would you like a bag?"
Me: "Please."
Clerk: "That'll be an extra five cents."
Me: "Yeah, okay."
Now, admittedly, this doesn't seem like a huge inconvenience. But then you realize that this is likely going to be a part of almost every transaction you make in this city from now until...well, who knows how long it'll be until businesses decide it's okay to just tack on the tax without feeling the need to tell you about it?
And even though the tax only applies to businesses that "sell food or alcohol," that's a pretty big umbrella. Buying a book at Borders? Guess what? There's a Seattle's Best Coffee somewhere in the store. That'll be five cents. And seeing as how businesses get to keep part of the tax, I wouldn't be surprised to see stores that don't sell food or alcohol beginning to charge the tax, too.
All things being equal, I'd rather D.C. had just found some way to take an extra $50 a year out of everyone's paycheck. Not only would it make purchases less of a hassle, but you'd only have the city grabbing money out of your wallet annually, as opposed to multiple times daily.
Wednesday, January 06, 2010
The Real World D.C.: Episode #2
Thoughts:
-- This episode kicks off with the kids...stacking up beanbags and running into them as they giggle?
Look, I know it's been a long time since I watched The Real World, but isn't this the show where reckless and often emotionally troubled 20-somethings get into fights and have drunken hook-ups, for no other reason than because they can? Or is that a different Real World show? Because so far, this season is awfully wholesome. I'm starting to think some of those early worries from their D.C. neighbors might have been a bit overwrought.
-- One of the things I kept hearing while the show was being filmed here is that the camera crew was constantly passing out release forms for people to sign, so MTV could show them on TV. I wonder if the guy under the Key Bridge in the kayak was staged, or if the producers saw him, decided it'd be a great shot, filmed him, and ran him down with a release form once he got to shore. Probably the former, but the latter would have been funny.
-- While Ty and Emily are speaking on the porch, the female jogger in the pink top runs by twice, each time in an opposite direction. So either she got to the end of the block and suddenly turned around (entirely plausible, if her goal was to get on camera) or else the producers cut up their conversation in order to edit it into something coherent.
-- Poor Andrew, having to listen to Emily plotting to bang Ty even while he's dancing with her. Actually, it's kind of funny.
-- No real comment on this weird, accelerated making out stuff. (Hey, remember way back in the first season, when Erik and Julie spent the entire season just making googly eyes at each other, without--to the best of my recollection, anyway--ever even holding hands? God, I feel old.) But it feels awfully manufactured. Like, "Well, I'm here in the house, and I find this person attractive and even though we really just met, I guess I'm obligated to make out with him/her, and possibly more stuff." Mostly, though, I'm wondering how these people are going to explain all this to their children one day. "Hey, it was the aughts! Everyone was making out with relative strangers on national television!"
-- I like how they immediately cut from Ty saying he's going to find an even hotter girl than Emily to talk to, to a decidedly not-hotter girl drunkenly making an ass out of herself. Sigh. Way to represent, D.C.
-- As a big, big proponent of the fist bump, I like Callie cajoling Andrew into doing one with her. I can't believe that the most likable girl in the house is the Republican. How the hell does that happen?
-- I'm curious to know how long they stayed at the block party. Obviously, it's impossible to tell by how much of it they showed, but it didn't seem especially long.
-- I haven't really watched MTV since...um...remember when Jenny McCarthy left Singled Out for that big acting career that never happened? Since then. But I like how they now identify whatever song is being played on the show at the bottom of the screen. It's almost like MTV is still playing music!
-- Who are the other people on the boat? Were they there by invitation of the producers, or did they just show up unsuspectingly for their 4th of July cruise and get told, "Hey, guess what? MTV's paying us a lot of money, so you're going to be on The Real World! Here, sign these release forms!"
-- Exactly how does one go into work the next day, having been shown on TV leaving the Real World house after a night of...well, whatever? Hey, good luck, Robbie! I hope to God you don't work for some GOP think tank.
-- Other than Callie (and Andrew, sort of, when he's wearing the panda hat), I'm not especially liking any of these people, but so far, Ashley's the only one I can say I actively can't stand. Good God, shut up about Mike, already.
-- Oh, Andrew. Dude, you could have done better. So much better.
-- Ashley's delivery of her "That's a lie. I'll judge," line was perfect. When she's not getting pissy because Mike's not straight, and then getting defensive when people call her on it, she's considerably more likable.
-- Now that Ty and Emily have finally slept together--and to hear the other people in the house talk, it took them forever! Like, a whole week!--it'd be nice if the show stops focusing on them so goddamn much. I know it's a pipe dream, but one can hope.
Real World Wisdom:
Ashley: "Any time you want to sleep with me, you let me know."
Erika (to Andrew): "You had a girlfriend?"
Callie: "I look at Andrew the way I look at my brother. And I love my brother, and I have fun with my brother. But I don't want to make out with my brother."
Ty: "Emily...she's open with her sexuality. And I have benefited from that openness."
Tuesday, January 05, 2010
10 New Year's Resolutions for 2010
1) Become more music literate
Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers is one of my favorite bands. You know how many members in it I can name? Tom Petty.
I enjoy music, but I've never been especially curious about it. I just like the music I like and hate the music I hate, and that's pretty much it. I don't want to be one of those guys who can rattle off the discography of every single band I like, and gets into debates about the merits or lack thereof of their music. But I figure I should also get to the point where I can have a halfway intelligent conversation about music beyond Elvis. I'd also like to be more experimental than just downloading the free iTunes song each week and buying the occasional used CD of a group I've never heard of before.
2) Become one of those annoying Starbucks squatters
Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers is one of my favorite bands. You know how many members in it I can name? Tom Petty.
I enjoy music, but I've never been especially curious about it. I just like the music I like and hate the music I hate, and that's pretty much it. I don't want to be one of those guys who can rattle off the discography of every single band I like, and gets into debates about the merits or lack thereof of their music. But I figure I should also get to the point where I can have a halfway intelligent conversation about music beyond Elvis. I'd also like to be more experimental than just downloading the free iTunes song each week and buying the occasional used CD of a group I've never heard of before.
2) Become one of those annoying Starbucks squatters
Being irritated at often not being able to find a seat at Starbucks, and traumatized by my memories of WTTG's lame Blogapalooza stunt a couple of years ago, I've always had a healthy resentment towards people who bring their laptops into coffee shops and proceed to sit. And sit. And sit. And sit. What's the point? Do these people not have homes? You can drink coffee in your home, you know. In more comfort, and for considerably less money. But having recently acquired a laptop, I think I'll give it a try. Maybe I'll find I like it. Probably not, but stranger things have happened.
3) Run the Marine Corps Marathon
Just to be clear, this isn't isn't a case of someone who's able to run, say, 20 miles, deciding to push himself a little harder to get up to 26.2. I currently can't run a marathon. I currently can't run a half-marathon. I currently can't run a quarter-marathon. I could probably run a tenth-marathon. If, you know, I had a guy with a chainsaw chasing me.
This is actually a continuation of a resolution I made this past fall, but then a combination of lack of free time and a sore foot sidelined me for a few weeks. But now that the foot's feeling better, I don't really have any excuses to not train. I have ten months to get into marathon shape, and while the odds are against it happening, if I do pull it off, it will--quite frankly, and with no hyperbole--be the greatest athletic accomplishment in the history of the world.
4) Post more on other blogs
I used to read and post comments on other blogs fairly frequently. Then I just started reading other blogs. Now I don't really even do that anymore, which occasionally leads to moments of guilt, since people are nice enough to post comments here. I'm going to try and do better on this. In fact, it'll give me something to do while sitting in Starbucks with my laptop. And sitting. And sitting. And sitting.
5) Become an MMA fan
For years, I've been looking for another sport to follow aside from football. I hate hockey, I only care about basketball come playoff time, and while I'm slowly beginning to appreciate baseball, I'll never be a big fan. I remember wanting to be a boxing fan when I was a kid, but that was right around the time when all the big fights were moving to pay-per-view, and the only free option was Tuesday Night Fights on USA. But with so many free MMA viewing options available, and encouraged by the love that noted geeks such as Chad Dukes and Blair Butler, whose interests mostly align with my own, have for the sport, I think I may have finally found a good football alternative.
6) Play more video games
I tend to get bored of my Xbox fairly easily, to the point where it often feels like I have a $300 paperweight sitting in my living room. I have the following games that are still unbeaten: Bioshock, Ghostbusters, Star Wars: The Force Unleashed, and Dead Rising. In 2010, I'm going to finish all of them...or die trying. Like that Korean guy who didn't eat, drink, or sleep for two days while playing Starcraft and had a heart attack.
Just to be clear, this isn't isn't a case of someone who's able to run, say, 20 miles, deciding to push himself a little harder to get up to 26.2. I currently can't run a marathon. I currently can't run a half-marathon. I currently can't run a quarter-marathon. I could probably run a tenth-marathon. If, you know, I had a guy with a chainsaw chasing me.
This is actually a continuation of a resolution I made this past fall, but then a combination of lack of free time and a sore foot sidelined me for a few weeks. But now that the foot's feeling better, I don't really have any excuses to not train. I have ten months to get into marathon shape, and while the odds are against it happening, if I do pull it off, it will--quite frankly, and with no hyperbole--be the greatest athletic accomplishment in the history of the world.
4) Post more on other blogs
I used to read and post comments on other blogs fairly frequently. Then I just started reading other blogs. Now I don't really even do that anymore, which occasionally leads to moments of guilt, since people are nice enough to post comments here. I'm going to try and do better on this. In fact, it'll give me something to do while sitting in Starbucks with my laptop. And sitting. And sitting. And sitting.
5) Become an MMA fan
For years, I've been looking for another sport to follow aside from football. I hate hockey, I only care about basketball come playoff time, and while I'm slowly beginning to appreciate baseball, I'll never be a big fan. I remember wanting to be a boxing fan when I was a kid, but that was right around the time when all the big fights were moving to pay-per-view, and the only free option was Tuesday Night Fights on USA. But with so many free MMA viewing options available, and encouraged by the love that noted geeks such as Chad Dukes and Blair Butler, whose interests mostly align with my own, have for the sport, I think I may have finally found a good football alternative.
6) Play more video games
I tend to get bored of my Xbox fairly easily, to the point where it often feels like I have a $300 paperweight sitting in my living room. I have the following games that are still unbeaten: Bioshock, Ghostbusters, Star Wars: The Force Unleashed, and Dead Rising. In 2010, I'm going to finish all of them...or die trying. Like that Korean guy who didn't eat, drink, or sleep for two days while playing Starcraft and had a heart attack.
Actually, I probably won't do that. I'll probably take as many breaks for eating, drinking, and sleeping as is necessary. But if you have to go, playing video games seems like one of the better ways. Sure, people will make fun of you on Kotaku for a few days, but it beats cancer.
7) App up
Like every iPhone owner, when I first got it, I went crazy with the apps. Especially the free ones. I think at one point, I had close to 25 on my phone, not counting the ones on the front screen. Then when I was organizing them one day, I realized I only actually used a small percentage of them, so I deleted the rest. And more recently, I've really just been using three: Tweetie, Shazam, and Worms. For the amount of money I'm paying AT&T each month, my phone should be able to do everything but shoot lasers. And really, it should be doing that, too. So I'm going to comb through the App Store and make my phone as efficient as humanly possible. I'll also probably re-download that app that makes your iPhone look like a mug full of beer, because that always made me chuckle. Don't shake the phone too much! You'll spill all the beer out of it! Ha, ha, ha. Classic.
8) Catch up on old TV
Reading various critics' Best TV Shows of the Decade lists, I was surprised by how many of their favorites I haven't watched: The Wire, Veronica Mars, Freaks & Geeks, etc. It's a slow period for new releases on Netflix, and I'm kind of burned out on low budget horror films, so this will give me something to do until there are good movies to watch again.
8) Catch up on old TV
Reading various critics' Best TV Shows of the Decade lists, I was surprised by how many of their favorites I haven't watched: The Wire, Veronica Mars, Freaks & Geeks, etc. It's a slow period for new releases on Netflix, and I'm kind of burned out on low budget horror films, so this will give me something to do until there are good movies to watch again.
9) Become a culinary master
I don't really want to learn how to cook in general, but for some reason, I find myself wanting to create some kind of new, exciting recipe that's never been done before. A couple of months ago at McDonald's. a woman who spoke very little English asked for a sausage, egg, and cheese muffin. "Sausage, egg, and cheese McMuffin," the cashier said, entering it into the register. "No, no," the woman interrupted, "a sausage, egg, and cheese muffin." I didn't get to see how this conversation played out, but the rest of the day, I just found myself thinking how awesome a sausage, egg, and cheese muffin would be, and why hasn't someone gotten around to creating one?
Well, if "someone" won't step forward, I guess I will. So look for my sausage, egg, and cheese muffin recipe later on this year. Or, if it turns out that's impossible, something equally original and delicious, by taking already awesome things and mashing them together. Has anyone tried making tequila hush puppies? No? Hey, at this rate, I'll be able to write my own cookbook.
10) Redesign the blog; get a new profile/Twitter picture
I'm kind of tired of my header, and the rotating movie poster gimmick, which was a lot of fun at first, is now more of a pain in the ass than anything else. So I'll probably play around with the various Blogger templates, and come up with a new header.
When I picked that photo for my blog/Twitter picture, the Redskins were good and Clinton Portis was my favorite player. Now the Redskins suck and Portis has sort of become a whiny bitch, and quite possibly won't even be on the team next season. So I feel I should get a new one. But it'll be hard to find something as catchy as purple hair.
Sunday, January 03, 2010
Geekgasm
As a relatively new Doctor Who viewer, my entire universe of Doctors consists of Christopher Eccleston and David Tennant. (Well, and Tom Baker, sort of, who I would occasionally see on reruns on PBS when I was channel surfing as a kid. But I can't remember ever actually watching an entire episode back then, and if I did, it was probably because I thought British people sounded funny, as opposed to actually following what was happening.)
When Eccleston left, I remember thinking that the show was totally fucked, and that Tennant would never be anywhere near as good. And of course, Tennant went on to be arguably the most popular Doctor ever.
I wasn't sold on Matt Smith being a good replacement, either, until the goofy last couple of minutes of The End of Time Part 2, which was incredibly cathartic after the emotional--and never-ending--Tennant farewell. But now I'm sold, and the trailer for next season looks awesome.
I am hoping "Geronimo!" doesn't become a recurring thing, though.
Friday, January 01, 2010
Week Seventeen NFL Picks
7 -9 last week; 121-119 for the season
Indianapolis at Buffalo (-8.5): Buffalo
New Orleans at Carolina (-7): Carolina
Jacksonville at Cleveland (-1): Jacksonville
New England at Houston (-8): New England
New York Giants at Minnesota (-9): Minnesota
San Francisco at St. Louis (+7): San Francisco
Atlanta at Tampa Bay (+2.5): Atlanta
Pittsburgh at Miami (+3): Miami
Chicago at Detroit (+3): Chicago
Philadelphia at Dallas (-3): Philadelphia
Kansas City at Denver (-12.5): Denver
Baltimore at Oakland (-10.5): Baltimore
Tennessee at Seattle (+4.5): Tennessee
Washington at San Diego (-4): Washington
Green Bay at Arizona (-3.5): Green Bay
Cincinnati at New York Jets (-10): New York
Indianapolis at Buffalo (-8.5): Buffalo
New Orleans at Carolina (-7): Carolina
Jacksonville at Cleveland (-1): Jacksonville
New England at Houston (-8): New England
New York Giants at Minnesota (-9): Minnesota
San Francisco at St. Louis (+7): San Francisco
Atlanta at Tampa Bay (+2.5): Atlanta
Pittsburgh at Miami (+3): Miami
Chicago at Detroit (+3): Chicago
Philadelphia at Dallas (-3): Philadelphia
Kansas City at Denver (-12.5): Denver
Baltimore at Oakland (-10.5): Baltimore
Tennessee at Seattle (+4.5): Tennessee
Washington at San Diego (-4): Washington
Green Bay at Arizona (-3.5): Green Bay
Cincinnati at New York Jets (-10): New York
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