Cash money heroes

Every year, people file suits alleging a litany of misdeeds by the D.C. government, including age discrimination, false arrest, improperly maintaining walkways, errantly tossing trash cans and driving over pedestrians.

Although some cases make it to trial, dozens and dozens of disputes are settled before they reach a courtroom... (Washington Post)

Thinking up get-rich-quick schemes is something of a hobby of mine. It beats doing work. Unfortunately, Jessica Cutler ruined my plans to get money for sex from people on the Hill, and Michael Vick pretty much ruined dog fighting for everyone. But after reading this article in today's Post, I've come to the conclusion that I've just been thinking too big. Rather than go for the huge payoffs, I should have been shooting for just a few thousand here and a few thousand there. Like these people!

A sixth-grader switches schools because she becomes overwhelmed by chronic allergies after her principal turns the cafeteria into a spay-and-neuter clinic for hundreds of cats. Transferring is only part of her cure: Her mother files a $100,000 lawsuit against the D.C. government and wins a $7,500 settlement.

I hate cats (hey, are cat fighting rings still okay? Surely, yes), so I can sympathize with the girl here. But rather than pay her off, wouldn't it have been easier for the government to just tell the principal to knock it the fuck off? I don't understand how Michelle Rhee has been firing teachers and principals for the past four years with impunity, for everything from poor test scores to apparently just looking at her funny, but she's okay with a principal turning the cafeteria into a spray-and-neuter clinic for cats? That doesn't even make any sense. That's a plot you'd see on The Office.

A visitor from Arizona trips and falls on a torn patch of Connecticut Avenue NW sidewalk. He needs surgery to repair his shoulder and a lawyer to sue the D.C. government for allowing the walkway to languish as a pedestrian hazard. The city settles the case for $60,000.

Now we're talking! $60,000? That must have been some fall. Whenever I encounter torn patches of sidewalk, like a sucker, I've been carefully walking over it to make sure I don't fall. From now on, I'm just going to haphazardly skip across it, and let whatever may happen, happen.

$5,500 to the family of an H.D. Woodson High School student purportedly struck by a coach

I was never struck by my PE teacher, but in tenth grade, he did once say I ran like a girl. Mental anguish! Mental anguish!

$650,000 to a St. Elizabeths Hospital psychiatric patient who gouged his eyes out after the staff failed to follow a doctor's warnings to monitor him.

Yeah, okay, that's...pretty hardcore. Even for $650,000, I'm not sure I'd be willing to make that leap. How about a torn-out fingernail? That's got to be worth at least ten grand, right? Actually, I'm cringing even just thinking about that. Never mind.

Other cases end in relatively small payouts yet still suggest confounding bureaucratic lapses, such as the family that happened to make an inquiry about a relative who was a prisoner in the D.C. jail and thereby learned that he had died of lung cancer four months earlier and had been cremated without notice to the relatives. Four family members split $11,500.

If you go more than four months without bothering to check in on a relative who's in prison, we're not talking about one who's especially close. Uncle. Second cousin. Family friend. As such, $11,500 seems like a lot of money for D.C. to pay, especially since the relatives also didn't have to shell out for the cost of a funeral.

One of my relatives has had legal problems in the past. It seems like it might be a worthwhile investment to see if I can get him locked up here.

Or there was Brian Sutherland, a bicyclist who was accidentally struck by a trash can that a sanitation worker threw as the cyclist rode past 22nd and P streets NW. Sutherland fell off the bike and suffered injuries to "all parts of his body, some of which were permanent, especially to his right elbow and right little finger," according to his claim. Sutherland, who also said he endured "anxiety" and "anguish," sued for $600,000. He got $25,000 from the city.

Conversely, this guy settled for way too little. Shoulder surgery gets you $60,000, and a distant relative's cremation gets you $11,500, and injuries to "all parts of your body" is only worth $25,000? He should sue his lawyer for malpractice. Having a D.C.-shaped slot machine that constantly pays out doesn't do you much good if you're not going even to pull the lever.

So basically, I think the ideal plan is this A) Get hurt, but not too hurt, B) Sue the city for a ridiculous amount of money, C) Graciously settle for an amount much lower than what you wanted, but enough to make the whole venture profitable. And then, who knows, maybe you can just do it again when you run out of cash.

I was going to go straight home tonight, but instead, I think I'll fall on the Metro tracks or jump in front of a motorcade or something. The holidays are coming up, after all, and I'm feeling pretty generous this year.