The Real Shark Chum of D.C.

I tried watching The Real Housewives of D.C. last week. I didn't make it very far before I was diving for the remote. As annoying as the people on The Real World D.C. could be, I was at least occasionally able to find aspects of them that I liked, whether it was Andrew being a comic book geek or Emily's maturity or Ashley's breasts.

But here? Most of these women are awful human beings with no apparent value to society whatsoever. And watching this show, one might conclude that's partly because they have no sense of self-awareness, but I think it's just the opposite. I think most of them went out of their way to be even more obnoxious, in the hopes of becoming this season's Omarosa. And yes, I realize I'm mixing reality shows, but since Omarosa is the only one from The Apprentice who you still hear anything about, I think you get my point.

But I had nothing else to do on Sunday, and I get the sense that people will be talking about this stupid show for the foreseeable future, so I forced myself to watch the first episode.

Countless other D.C. blogs have already done recaps and weighed in on the episode, and I doubt I'd have anything to add that hasn't already been said. So instead, I'm going to take this approach:

Let's say that I'm in a small boat with all five Real Housewives of D.C. We're a few miles from shore and heading in, but hungry sharks are swarming all around us. Occasionally, one will violently bump up against the boat, shaking us, and it seems inevitable that sooner or later they'll tip us over. My only chance for survival is to toss one of the housewives into the water every so often so the sharks will stop to eat her and leave the boat alone long enough for us to reach shore. Or at least until they catch up to us again and I'm forced to throw another housewife overboard.

This is the order in which I'd feed them to the sharks:


1) Cat

Retarded Opening Credits Quote: "I'm here for a good time, not a long time."

Annoyance Factor: 10/10


Perhaps because she's British, she doesn't quite seem to understand that while the President of the United States may not be royalty, he's also not some schmuck who can drop everything to go to her wedding. And let's be honest, even if Obama had absolutely nothing else to do on her wedding day, he still wouldn't have gone. I love how "Obama and his crew knew about the romance from day one" was immediately followed up with "But I have yet to meet him."

Main reason to feed her to sharks: At one point, she asks for a "refund of the last 18 years of her life." I'm sure her kids really appreciate that.

Any possible redeeming factor that might make me decide against feeding her to sharks: I don't like Tyra Banks or sake, either.


2) Lynda

Retarded Opening Credits Quote: "I give people enough rope to hang themselves, and the smart people don't."

Annoyance Factor: 9.5/10


This just goes to show that old saying, "The enemy of my enemy is my friend" is bullshit. I hate Michaele Salahi. Lynda hates Michaele Salahi. Lynda and I should be friends, right? No, because in her jealous crusade against Michaele--someone who no one, ever, should be jealous of--she somehow comes off even worse.

Main reason to feed her to sharks: It's not like D.C. actually needs a modeling agency. I mean...it's D.C. In lieu of one, I'm sure designers can just use hookers they find on Craigslist.

Any possible redeeming factor that might make me decide against feeding her to sharks: None, but her death would probably make Michaele really happy. So from that standpoint, I'd have to think about it.


3) Michaele

Retarded Opening Credits Quote: "People have a hard time saying no to me, and that's my blessing."

Annoyance Factor: 7.5/10

With Michaele Salahi, I'm forced to confront an annoying truth: If it wasn't for that whole White House party crashing thing, I'd probably like her. Sort of. I mean, in the very least, she seems nice. Spoiled. Entitled. Vapid. Egomaniacal. And one of those people who only appears to be interested in charities if there's some sort of fancy event involved. But kind of nice.

Main reason to feed her to sharks: Her husband. Dude, we know you're not the "captain of the United States polo team."

Any possible redeeming factor that might make me decide against feeding her to sharks: She likes to hug.


4) Mary

Retarded Opening Credits Quote: "I don't make money. I spend money."

Annoyance Factor: 6/10

I've known a few guys who suddenly start "talking black" when they find themselves in the unfamiliar position of being near black people. I've never seen a middle-aged woman do it, though. Forget her drunken rambling about integrated hair salons, her habit of calling Stacie "girlfriend!" every ten seconds was even more irritating.

Main reason to feed her to sharks: Who the fuck brings a bottle of wine to a family portrait session? When you need alcohol to make it through spending time with your kids, it's time to seek help.

Any possible redeeming factor that might make me decide against feeding her to sharks: She's hot for a woman her age, except in natural daylight. I'd also feel bad for her husband, who came off a thousand times better than she did. Although, who knows, maybe he'd be glad to be rid of her.


5) Stacie

Retarded Opening Credits Quote: "D.C. is my town. And I thrive in it."

Annoyance Factor: 5/10

I wouldn't be surprised if this changed, but for now, she seems to be the only halfway-decent human being among the women. Plus, once we reached shore and the authorities started asking questions about why the boat left with five housewives but only came back with one, I think her apparent dislike of the other woman would cause her to back me up when I claimed they all just went swimming and never resurfaced.

Reasons to feed her to sharks: Well, she did sign up to be on The Real Housewives of D.C.

Any possible redeeming factor that might make me decide against feeding her to sharks: Not a fan of Cat or George W. Bush.