"No, we've been losing. What I want is for us to finish dead last."

Major League is one of my favorite movies of all time, and arguably the greatest sports movie ever made. I'm not sure how well it holds up 20 years later, but I've never seen a film that better captures how much fun it must be to be a professional athlete or how much a winning season can make a city feel good.

Last year, I found out something that blew my mind: Major League has an alternate ending. Well, it's really more of a cut scene, in that it takes place well before the movie ends, but I guess "alternate ending" sounds better for marketing purposes.

In it, it's revealed that Rachel Phelps, the bitchy owner of the team who inherited it from her dead husband, and who wants them to finish in last place so she can move the team to Miami, isn't really a bitch after all. In fact, she's actually really super nice. All the horrible stuff she said and did throughout the film? Just a clever ruse, in order to motivate the team to play better.

Go ahead and take a moment to process that. I had to.

When they showed the film to the test audiences, they understandably disliked this development, and it was removed.

I actually kept an open mind before seeing it. It didn't sound especially great, but depending on how it was presented, it seemed like it might have had the potential to be a cool, "Holy shit, Bruce Willis has been dead this whole time!" twist. Unfortunately, viewing the alternate ending wasn't easy. As far as I can tell, no one has posted it online, which I kind of thought was the whole purpose of the internet. And while it was on the "Wild Thing Edition" DVD, the only version of it I ever saw in stores was Blu-ray. So for the past few months, this has sort of sat percolating in the back of my mind. Then finally, this past weekend, I found it on regular DVD and immediately bought it.

So, how is the alternate ending?

Worse than I ever imagined. Back in the 80s, the test audiences saved the producers from themselves.

Here's the scene in a nutshell: Lou comes to Rachel's office just before the game at the end of the film to tell her that he knows she wants to move the team to Miami, and that he's resigning at the end of the season rather than wait around to be fired. Then Rachel drops the bombshell: She'd wanted Lou to find out from Charlie so that he'd tell the team, and that would get them fired up enough to start winning. Also, that there never was an offer from Miami. She'd made the whole thing up.

When Lou (speaking for the audience, I'm sure) expresses skepticism about this, here's her response:

"If I really wanted you to lose, all I'd have to do is send your best players back to the minors. But I didn't do that, did I? You think this was all an accident? I personally scouted every member of this team. Except Hayes, of course. He was a surprise. They all had flaws that concealed their real talent, or I wouldn't have been able to afford them. But I knew that if anyone could straighten them out, you could. You see, I scouted you, too. (Fake stern voice.) And if you tell them any of this, I will fire you. (Laughs.) Oh, Lou. I love this team. Go get 'em tonight."

They smile, shake hands, and Lou leaves. Then Rachel looks heavenward and talks to her dead husband, who she apparently really did love after all.

Ugh.

So that's the alternate ending. Since seeing it, I've been thinking a lot about the effect it would have had if they'd gone in that direction. Would it have ruined the film? No, I guess not. I think that ultimately, I would have liked it just as much, and that it would still be as fondly regarded as it is. But I also think that it'd feel...wrong. Like, Jar Jar Binks-level wrong. Especially when you went back and watched those earlier scenes of her being evil. I'm not sure those could realistically have been explained away by her wanting to "motivate" the team.

Most importantly, though, it would have screwed up one of my favorite moments of the film: The Indians have just won the game, the stadium is going nuts, and Rachel is just sitting there in her box, as Charlie and her security guys are celebrating right behind her. And she has this blank, ambiguous look on her face, and you almost get the sense that maybe, just maybe, she finally sees how important the team is to Cleveland.

(Then of course, Major League II totally screwed that up by having her be a bitch again. One of many, many things Major League II screwed up, the foremost of which being the revelation that after the first movie ended, the Indians went on to lose to the White Sox in the ACLS. Wasn't it so much better when you assumed they went on to win the World Series?)

Anyway, while I'm on the subject, here are a few ways I wish real-life baseball was more like Major League.

Entire teams should do commercials together

As a kid, this made perfect sense to me. A team comes out of nowhere to be contenders, and captures the imagination of Cleveland, if not the whole country. Why wouldn't American Express want to put them in a commercial?

Of course, in real life, it'd never happen. The whole team would cost too much, and American Express wouldn't want all those guys that no one had heard of, anyway. They'd just go with the biggest star. Probably Vaughn, unless they were really wedded to that "Don't steal home without it" line, in which case, Hayes. After all, there is no I in team, except when it comes to endorsement deals.

Bad teams' stadiums should be 99% empty

In the film, the Opening Day game between the Indians and the Yankees only seems to attract a couple of hundred fans. Obviously, even if you had a ridiculously low payroll, you still couldn't operate a major league team with that kind of attendance. Coincidentally, Cleveland currently has the lowest attendance in baseball right now, and even still, they're averaging over 16,000 fans a game.

But wouldn't it be cool if that did happen? If everyone else was so apathetic about the local team, that you really could show up to a game and basically have the place all to yourself? No one would hassle you about moving down to the good seats, and it'd be really easy to come up with a foul ball.

Relievers should leisurely stroll to the mound

You know what the best part about professional wrestling is? Entrance music! As the wrestlers make their way to the ring, it's a major production. Music, lights, high-fives, the works.

When Vaughn relieves Harris at the end of the film, it takes him over a minute to get from the bullpen to the mound, with Wild Thing blaring the whole time. That's how it should be in real life. Given that relief pitcher is the most thankless position in baseball, let's WWE this thing up and make them feel like it's a big fucking deal when they take the mound. If nothing else, it'd probably do wonders for their confidence.

Batters should call their shots. But...

This scene confused the hell out of me when I first saw the film as a kid. Jake's up at the plate. He calls his shot. Twice. The crowd cheers. Harry Doyle can't believe what he's seeing. And then...Jake bunts, catching the Yankees completely by surprise. At the time, I didn't get how this was allowed. Even now, it still sort of seems like it should be against the rules.

I guess calling shots doesn't happen in real life because it's obnoxious and would likely get you beaned. But I think it'd be cool if more players did it. But here's the thing: If you do call your shot, you should be required to actually hit the ball exactly where you point. It'd be the ultimate slap in the face to a team you don't like, in that you'd be saying, "I'm so unconcerned about your defense, I'm telling you exactly where I plan on putting the ball." Which is great...but then you should have to follow through. No being cute by bunting or hitting a line drive.

Fans should be able to rush the field after a big win

Hell, yeah we should! I mean, I guess I can see the obvious safety arguments against it. But who cares? We just won the big game! Let us celebrate, for Christ's sake.