Disclaimer first: Obviously, it's never good when lots of people lose their jobs. Especially in a bad economy. So from that standpoint, it's a shame that the ESPN Zone in D.C. (not to mention pretty much every other city) is shutting down next week, and if I could snap my fingers and make that not happen, I would do so.
But if you take that aspect away from it, I couldn't be happier ESPN Zone is going away.
I've always hated the idea of theme restaurants. There's something so incredibly condescending about the concepts behind most them, in that the owners clearly think rubes--often tourist rubes--will happily accept lousy food and service if it means they can have a fun story about seeing an autographed movie poster or the vest Michael J. Fox wore in Back To the Future or whatever, to tell their rube friends back home.
Remember Planet Hollywood back in the 90s? Remember how every time a new one would open, there'd be a big, star-studded opening night where all the principle investors like Stallone and Schwarzenegger would show up? Maybe Bruce Willis would sit in with the band or Demi Moore would get behind the bar and serve drinks to the invited VIPs, and it all looked awesome as you were watching it on Entertainment Tonight. But of course, when you went there, there'd be no celebrities. Just some lame memorabilia on display and $15 burgers.
Marvel Comics tried launching a chain of restaurants around that time, too, called Marvel Mania. This was back when Marvel was at its most obnoxious, publishing roughly 100 titles each month with no regard whatsoever for its customers' wallets. So its belief that people would be willing to pay good money to eat Marvel-themed food while employees dressed up as Marvel characters wandered around, and then go to the gift shop (which, as I understand it, sold every sort of Marvel-related merchandise except comic books) and spend even more, was right in line with the company's thinking at the time. And of course, it closed. "The Fantastic Four Cheese Pizza" was a brilliant name for a menu item, though.
Then there was Stephen Spielberg's restaurant, Dive, which had a submarine theme, and took customers on "special-effects simulations of undersea adventures." Closed.
At the height of the supermodel craze, The Fashion Cafe, a model-themed restaurant opened. I remember two things about this place. First, way too many jokes about how a restaurant owned by models made no sense, since models don't eat. And second, reading that Cindy Crawford was angry she wasn't asked to be one of the investors. In retrospect, by snubbing her, her fellow models did her a favor. Closed.
Now, I don't despise all theme restaurants. The Hard Rock Cafe, though hardly fine dining, is mostly unoffensive. I had a good time when I went to Margaritaville and Medieval Times. I've never eaten at The Rainforest Cafe, but I always liked walking past the one in Tysons Corner. You know, before it closed. The robotic crocodile was kind of cool.
But back to ESPN Zone. In theory, this could have worked. In fact, if it had been done right, I think it could have transcended the whole theme restaurant genre. Everyone loves sports. Everyone loves food and alcohol. Everyone loves places where they can enjoy food and alcohol while watching sports. All ESPN Zone had to do was not be stupid and sit back and watch the money roll in. But at least in terms of the one in D.C., ESPN Zone was a really stupid place. The main viewing room is out of sight of the vast majority of the seating--including that at the upstairs bar--and roughly a third of the space is taken up by air hockey and various other arcade games.
I mean, I know ESPN Zone wasn't intended to be a sports bar sports bar. But it didn't have to try so hard to be a fun-filled destination for the whole family, either. Between that, food which wasn't bad, but wasn't great, either, and a lousy drink menu, it managed to be a pretty unappealing place to watch sports.
Let me put it another way: This past Tuesday, on the biggest night in D.C. sports in years, ESPN Zone was hosting a Guitar Hero tournament. To be fair, it was scheduled long before the announcement of Strasburg starting that night, and there was a sports connection to the tournament, in that some Redskins were participating. But still, what if someone came in that night just wanting to watch the most important game in Nationals history? That doesn't seem like an unreasonable expectation in a place named after the premiere sports network in the country.
Also, the gift shop aside, there wasn't much in the way of tie-in promotions with ESPN. Madden Nation once filmed a segment there, and I think that's about it. With Around The Horn and PTI taping in D.C., how could ESPN not have gotten them to do the occasional episode from the bar?
But the kicker, the thing that makes me actively glad the place is going under, is that a few years ago, some co-workers and I were looking for a place to watch the first day games of the NCAA Tournament. ESPN Zone, with its huge TV, seemed as good a place as any. So we get there, and there's a sign on the door saying that it's closed for a private party. Apparently, some business rented out the place so its employees could watch the tournament.
Which is crap. You can't call yourself a sports bar--even a pretend sports bar like ESPN Zone--and close on one of the few days a year where people actually want to gather in bars and watch sports. You just can't. If someone wants to rent out the place on a day where there's nothing important going on, great, go ahead. But there should be some blackout dates where the option of renting is unavailable. Especially dates that are known well in advance, like, say, the NCAA Tournament. I'm sure ESPN Zone made a lot of money that night, but I'm also sure it alienated a lot of customers.
I'm not at all sorry ESPN Zone is closing, but I am sorry that the potential ESPN Zone once had is now down the drain. I'm not sure a "real" sports bar can afford the space ESPN Zone is leaving behind, but it'd be nice to see one of them give it a shot.
But if you take that aspect away from it, I couldn't be happier ESPN Zone is going away.
I've always hated the idea of theme restaurants. There's something so incredibly condescending about the concepts behind most them, in that the owners clearly think rubes--often tourist rubes--will happily accept lousy food and service if it means they can have a fun story about seeing an autographed movie poster or the vest Michael J. Fox wore in Back To the Future or whatever, to tell their rube friends back home.
Remember Planet Hollywood back in the 90s? Remember how every time a new one would open, there'd be a big, star-studded opening night where all the principle investors like Stallone and Schwarzenegger would show up? Maybe Bruce Willis would sit in with the band or Demi Moore would get behind the bar and serve drinks to the invited VIPs, and it all looked awesome as you were watching it on Entertainment Tonight. But of course, when you went there, there'd be no celebrities. Just some lame memorabilia on display and $15 burgers.
Marvel Comics tried launching a chain of restaurants around that time, too, called Marvel Mania. This was back when Marvel was at its most obnoxious, publishing roughly 100 titles each month with no regard whatsoever for its customers' wallets. So its belief that people would be willing to pay good money to eat Marvel-themed food while employees dressed up as Marvel characters wandered around, and then go to the gift shop (which, as I understand it, sold every sort of Marvel-related merchandise except comic books) and spend even more, was right in line with the company's thinking at the time. And of course, it closed. "The Fantastic Four Cheese Pizza" was a brilliant name for a menu item, though.
Then there was Stephen Spielberg's restaurant, Dive, which had a submarine theme, and took customers on "special-effects simulations of undersea adventures." Closed.
At the height of the supermodel craze, The Fashion Cafe, a model-themed restaurant opened. I remember two things about this place. First, way too many jokes about how a restaurant owned by models made no sense, since models don't eat. And second, reading that Cindy Crawford was angry she wasn't asked to be one of the investors. In retrospect, by snubbing her, her fellow models did her a favor. Closed.
Now, I don't despise all theme restaurants. The Hard Rock Cafe, though hardly fine dining, is mostly unoffensive. I had a good time when I went to Margaritaville and Medieval Times. I've never eaten at The Rainforest Cafe, but I always liked walking past the one in Tysons Corner. You know, before it closed. The robotic crocodile was kind of cool.
But back to ESPN Zone. In theory, this could have worked. In fact, if it had been done right, I think it could have transcended the whole theme restaurant genre. Everyone loves sports. Everyone loves food and alcohol. Everyone loves places where they can enjoy food and alcohol while watching sports. All ESPN Zone had to do was not be stupid and sit back and watch the money roll in. But at least in terms of the one in D.C., ESPN Zone was a really stupid place. The main viewing room is out of sight of the vast majority of the seating--including that at the upstairs bar--and roughly a third of the space is taken up by air hockey and various other arcade games.
I mean, I know ESPN Zone wasn't intended to be a sports bar sports bar. But it didn't have to try so hard to be a fun-filled destination for the whole family, either. Between that, food which wasn't bad, but wasn't great, either, and a lousy drink menu, it managed to be a pretty unappealing place to watch sports.
Let me put it another way: This past Tuesday, on the biggest night in D.C. sports in years, ESPN Zone was hosting a Guitar Hero tournament. To be fair, it was scheduled long before the announcement of Strasburg starting that night, and there was a sports connection to the tournament, in that some Redskins were participating. But still, what if someone came in that night just wanting to watch the most important game in Nationals history? That doesn't seem like an unreasonable expectation in a place named after the premiere sports network in the country.
Also, the gift shop aside, there wasn't much in the way of tie-in promotions with ESPN. Madden Nation once filmed a segment there, and I think that's about it. With Around The Horn and PTI taping in D.C., how could ESPN not have gotten them to do the occasional episode from the bar?
But the kicker, the thing that makes me actively glad the place is going under, is that a few years ago, some co-workers and I were looking for a place to watch the first day games of the NCAA Tournament. ESPN Zone, with its huge TV, seemed as good a place as any. So we get there, and there's a sign on the door saying that it's closed for a private party. Apparently, some business rented out the place so its employees could watch the tournament.
Which is crap. You can't call yourself a sports bar--even a pretend sports bar like ESPN Zone--and close on one of the few days a year where people actually want to gather in bars and watch sports. You just can't. If someone wants to rent out the place on a day where there's nothing important going on, great, go ahead. But there should be some blackout dates where the option of renting is unavailable. Especially dates that are known well in advance, like, say, the NCAA Tournament. I'm sure ESPN Zone made a lot of money that night, but I'm also sure it alienated a lot of customers.
I'm not at all sorry ESPN Zone is closing, but I am sorry that the potential ESPN Zone once had is now down the drain. I'm not sure a "real" sports bar can afford the space ESPN Zone is leaving behind, but it'd be nice to see one of them give it a shot.
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