Today, the D.C. Council proposed taxing soda. I'm not sure if out of shape, future diabetics also banded together, but this, too, was defeated, partly because it would unfairly impact the poor. (Based on my own observations in convenience stores, if D.C. really cared about making sure poor people kept their money, they'd do away with the D.C. Lottery, because some days it's almost impossible to just buy an energy drink without having to wait behind some old woman blowing her social security check on DC-5 tickets. But given how much money the lottery brings in, I'm guessing that idea never came up.)
For some reason, Morgan Freeman actually called council members in favor of the tax. Of all the problems in D.C., soda is the issue he breaks out his God voice for?
Also today, the council declared once again that D.C. should have the right to tax incomes of Virginia and Maryland residents who commute into the city. Or as David Catania charmingly put it:
“I think this is something we can all support,” said Councilman David Catania, I-At large. “The spectacle, though, is that we are in better shape than our surrounding jurisdictions and we would be asking Annapolis and Richmond to cede treasury back to us, even though it was earned here and is rightfully ours.
“If we were to get our way,” Catania continued, “we would certainly put the state of Maryland in bankruptcy and we would put Virginia on the ropes. Doesn’t mean we don’t do it.”
Wow. I know every time the council starts whining about wanting to tax commuters, Congress and the courts tell them to shut up, but after that comment, it's virtually impossible to imagine the Maryland and Virginia congressional delegations not signing onto this plan. I mean, who wouldn't want to run on willingly bankrupting their states? Way to go, Catania.
Some other proposed sources of tax revenue:
Admission to cultural events: This would work great, if all the most popular museums in the city weren't free.
Chimney cleaning services: Are there enough chimneys in D.C. to even make this worthwhile?
Closet/storage design consulting services: Is this like Kurt Russell's character in Overboard? Or more of a feng shui thing? Either way, "closet consultant" sounds like the most useless job in the world, so I have no problem making their lives a little more difficult.
Dating services: The city can't tax Match.com, so it seems like that's most of the market right there. What's that dating service that only caters to rich people? Tax them.
Fur storage: This seems like something we should already be taxing. I mean, I'm not one of those "fur is murder," bleeding heart PETA hippies, but there is something somewhat obscene about just the phrase "fur storage."
Magazines: Talk about a dwindling revenue stream. How about just porn? That always seems be immune to bad economies.
Marine towing service (including tugboats): Is D.C. allowed to tax the government and/or military? Because otherwise, I'm not sure how much tugboating there is to tax.
Massage services: If D.C. would stop raiding massage parlors that give happy endings, this could bring in millions.
Taxidermy: We should probably just outlaw taxidermy altogether.
There was also talk of taxing tickets to sporting events, except for the Nationals, who are still struggling to build a fan base. So if they're exempt, and the Redskins play in Maryland, I guess they might as well call that the Fuck You, Ted Leonsis tax.
So basically, any proposed tax that would bring in enough revenue to make an impact will be so unpopular with voters that it can't pass. Conversely, any tax that can pass will do so because it'll only affect a relatively few number of people.
It seems to me there's just one thing to do: Find some way to tax the living fuck out of tourists. That's something everyone in D.C., be it resident or commuter, yoga enthusiast or Dr. Pepper enthusiast, can get behind.
And if tourists get fed up with a 25% hotel room tax or 50% Segway tour tax, and decide to stop coming to D.C., well...all the better.
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