Tales From the Netflix Crypt

This month's reviews: Dead Snow, The Final, and Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever.



Dead Snow (2009)
Directed by Tommy Wirkola

Plot: A group of med students on a ski vacation run into zombies. But not just any zombies! Nazi zombies!!!

Comments: I really wanted to see this Norwegian import in theaters last year, but didn't get the chance. And I'm glad I didn't, because there, I would have been forced to endure subtitles (which, back when I first started watching foreign films, I would have been all pretentious about, claiming how much more authentic they made the film or something, but now I just find them to be a pain in the ass), whereas on the DVD, the voice dubbing is actually really good. A lot of the time, I forgot the actors weren't American.

But anyway, Nazi zombies. Has there ever been a better concept? See, they're dead Nazis, which is the best kind of Nazi, but they're also zombies, and zombies automatically make any film better. I was surprised to hear this film got generally negative reviews in Norway, whereas, audiences at Sundance loved it. Maybe it's just that no one loves zombies or dead Nazis as much as Americans. USA! USA! USA!

Anyway, as far as zombie films go, it doesn't really cover any new ground. In fact, strictly speaking, these aren't really even zombies in the American sense. They speak. They use weapons. We're told their bite turns other people into zombies, but a couple of people get bitten, and don't seem any worse for wear, other than the massive blood loss.

But the film successfully turns on a dime between horror and comedy without seeming like it's trying too hard to be a horror/comedy movie (one scene in particular, where the Nazis get slaughtered while some Norwegian soft rock song is playing, is especially great). In fact, it's actually a bit too effective at this. It's discomforting to be laughing at the movie one minute, and then see something truly awful happen.

To be honest, this is one of those films where a great gimmick--in this case, Nazi zombies--manages to elevate an otherwise average script. But it's such a great gimmick, you really don't even mind that much.

Script: B+
Acting: B
Gore: A
Overall: A-




The Final (2010)
Directed by Joey Stewart

Plot: A bunch of bullies, mean girls, and other unpleasant high school types, are drugged at a party, and awake to find themselves tied up and at the mercy of the kids they picked on.

Comments: This is a movie written by someone with some serious adolescent issues. Imagine a Lifetime original movie about the horrors of bullying, directed by Eli Roth. That's the best way I can think of to describe this film. Because along with the moral platitudes about bullying, there's death, torture, and dismemberment, not necessarily in that order.

There's always been something deeply satisfying about seeing these types of characters get their comeuppance in horror movies, and I don't think you really have had been the victim of bullying to enjoy it. But this felt somewhat more...I dunno. Real? Insightful? Profound? I mean, it's a silly premise for a film, don't get me wrong. But the actors playing the tormented kids really do a great job in communicating their despair and their need for revenge. (Even if the actress playing Emily is way too cute for the role. If this were a teen comedy instead of a horror film, she'd be the character who ends up with the popular guy after getting a She's All That-style makeover.)

What's really impressive, though, is that this could have been just a generic, by-the-numbers revenge flick, except for one brilliant twist: Instead of just killing their bullies, the kids instead decide to scar them for life, both physically and psychologically. Cut-off fingers, acid cream to the face, needles stuck in uncomfortable places...good stuff. The first kid, who takes a cattle prod to the cheek? He was one of the lucky ones.

At no point does the film attempt any sort of post-Columbine commentary, which I can't decide is a good thing or a missed opportunity. It feels as though the film could have used at least a little examination of bullying and its effects. But at the end of the day, you get to see a lot of people get terrorized and maimed, and I guess that's all one can reasonably ask from a horror film.

Script: A-
Acting: B
Gore: B+
Overall: B+




Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever (2009)
Directed by Ti West

Plot: The flesh-eating virus is back, and in the water supply of a high school. And it's prom night. Why do things always go wrong on prom night?

Comments: Cabin Fever 2 is, if nothing else, a vile, disgusting film. You know that moment in the first one, where Cerina Vincent is in the bathtub shaving her legs and the razor starts coming away long strips of skin? I thought that was the cringiest part in the film, and it doesn't even hold a candle to this one.

There's a scene towards the end where a guy discovers that a blowjob he got from an infected girl left him with something far worse than an STD. I'm not going to lie: I literally gagged. I don't gag at gore in horror movies, so this was something of a new experience for me. I'm not going to say I especially enjoyed it, but bravo, Cabin Fever 2.

Unfortunately, some really gross moments and a great animated opening credits sequence, are about all the film has going for it. I had the same problem with this that I did with another unnecessary sequel, Return to Sleepaway Camp: All the characters are so incredibly mean and awful--the principal, the teachers, the students--you don't give a shit what happens to them. You don't get even a cheap thrill when they die. You're just kind of hoping a nuke drops on the school. The film eventually goes the cliched route where the government finds out about the virus and sends in the military to wipe out everyone, and you'd probably be rooting for the military to kill everyone even if there wasn't a virus.

The one somewhat redeeming element was Giuseppe Andrews returning as Deputy Winston. Having inadvertently caused the whole mess in the first place by dumping Ryder Strong's character into the creek at the end of Cabin Fever, it at first appears as though he's going to take a heroic turn in this one. Then he just runs around a lot in order to save his own skin (literally). Which was kind of a nice touch.

As a big Eli Roth fan, I couldn't help but be disappointed with how Lionsgate handled this, and it doesn't leave me especially hopeful about Hostel 3. But at least now I know what sort of expectations to go in with.

Script: C+
Acting: D+
Gore: A+
Overall: D+