Best and Worst of 2009: The D.C. Universe

What's the only thing more self-indulgently masturbatory than including a list of your own blog posts as part of your end-of-year Best Of/Worst Of lists? Not bothering with the Worst Of part!

Thanks, everyone for reading this past year.

Best:

10. 2009 Baltimore Comic-Con

9. Nine things I learned from The Nine Lives of Marion Barry

8. Trek Wars

7. Kids, keep your hands off my balls

6. I hate that people like this even exist

5. Let's go to the mall

4. My First Blog

3. Mayor Fenty's not a real good ticket guy

2. WJFK

1. The D.C. Emergency Zombie Attack Plan

The Real World D.C.: Episode #1

I haven't watched The Real World in over a decade. But even though I only actually ran into the camera crew once while they were filming here, it was pretty much impossible to avoid the show's presence over the summer without also avoiding Twitter, the Washington Post, the D.C. blogosphere, etc.

So after suffering through all that, I figured I might as well see what all the fuss was about.

Thoughts:

-- That awful Magnetic Fields song? That's how MTV decides to open the season? Okay...

-- Ashley: She seems like a nice girl, but wow, really overboard with the Obama love. I get the feeling this is how Republicans saw all Obama supporters last year.

-- Mike: Seems normal enough. Which, if I remember my Real World history, probably means he's going to turn out to be a sociopath who gets kicked out of the house after threatening someone with a chainsaw or something.

-- It is nice seeing them so jazzed about being in D.C., and talking about what sights they want to see. Having lived here so long, it's easy to be cavalier about all the great things that we see every day, but other people actually travel thousands of miles to experience. Ashley's describing D.C. as "the mother ship" is something I really hope doesn't catch on, though.

-- Andrew: I don't care about the silly "First thing I want to do is get laid" nonsense, but I don't have a lot of patience for guys who boast about how un-PC their humor is. Okay, kid, we get it, you're fucking Don Rickles. Go sit in the corner.

-- Emily: Hot. Raised in cult? Hotter. Knows how to use a gun? Scorching. (And here, Andrew redeems himself a bit by being tongue-tied in her presence. Aw. I hope they have meaningless sex.)

-- Callie: "Not liberal at all"? What the...? Did MTV cast a token Republican in order to cause conflict in the house? That's not like them.

-- Ty: No real first impression one way or the other. So far, he's just kind of...there.

-- Erika: Is she a legit rock singer or just a groupie? It's hard to tell. Her boyfriend's hella annoying, though, so I hope she cheats for a second time while she's in town.

-- Josh: Like Ty, hard to get a read on. Has there ever been a former gang member on this show before? Back in my day, about as violent as it got was David the stand-up comic.

-- Heh. Okay, Andrew's winning me over with his shameless lies about cage fighting and sky diving. I'm guessing he assumed Emily would immediately call bullshit, and when she didn't, he decided to roll with it instead of saying, "No, just kidding." I admire that.

-- Oh, that fucking house. Don't get me wrong, it is really nice. But having gotten a look at it before filming started, and then seeing more photos and video of it over the summer than I did the White House, I somehow came to see it as the embodiment of the lunatic fringe that tried to claim they were "reporting on the show," when in fact, they really just badly wanted to be on it.

-- I remember the day the cast members arrived in town, it was covered by websites like Washingtonian and DCist with roughly the same enthusiasm as the Second Coming. You can't see them, but as they arrive at the house, I'm willing to bet there were a couple dozen onlookers and TMZ wannabes gathered outside, like the fucking zombies from Dawn of the Dead.

-- Racial jokes are a lot of fun between two friends who are comfortable with each other, but man, after just meeting the guy? Andrew is either super confident or super unaware, but either way, he's lucky Ty seems more amused by it than anything.

-- Josh's expression when Mike casually mentions he's had sex with 15 girls and 5 guys is priceless. Ashley's reaction is a bit more surprising. Is it really that shocking? Surely, the fact that there was no gay guy must have seemed odd. Although, between he and Emily and who knows who else, this show is starting to remind me of Torchwood. (For non-geeks: British science fiction show in which pretty much everyone is bisexual.)

-- Has there ever been a Real World discussion about religion that didn't immediately induce viewer migraines?

-- I like Andrew's panda hat. Does the National Zoo sell those? If not, they should get on that. And yes, he's totally a virgin.

-- Granted, we're not seeing all of this early feud between Ty and Ashley, but it seems like Ty's the kind of guy who can't tell the difference between "not listening" and "not agreeing with." Also, Ashley, unless you're counting yourself, there are only six other people in the house for you to talk to, not seven.

-- Andrew wants his cartoons to be in The Washington Post? Look, I've done a complete 180 on him, but having seen some of his cartoons in his introduction, I don't think Tom Toles has much to worry about.

-- I have no idea what a "Real World Aftershow" consists of, nor do I really have any desire to find out.

Real World Wisdom:

Ashley: "I'm waiting for the black guy to come in. The really hot black guy with the big muscles. That's what I'm waiting for."

Josh: "She has a boyfriend. I have a girlfriend. You know, we don't know what's going to happen with that."

Andrew: "You can't be racist and like basketball."

Best and Worst of 2009: Movies

Best:

5) Fanboys

I'm a big fan of movies that are about the power of movies, and this is one of the better ones I've seen. It's funny, geeky, poignant, and features Kristen Bell in a Princess Leia slave girl outfit, which is really all one can reasonably ask for in a movie. Now, would it have been slightly more poignant if The Phantom Menace hadn't sucked balls, thus sort of negating the entire plot of the film? Probably.

4) (500) Days of Summer

To really appreciate this film, it probably helps if, as I do, you think Zooey Deschanel is the most perfect woman on the planet, thus allowing yourself to relate to the pain Joseph Gordon-Levitt goes through when he loses her and tries to get her back. But regardless of your Deschanel-stance, this is a must-see for anyone who's ever sat through an insipid romantic comedy where everything works out in the end.

3) Star Trek

My complaints about this stand. Still, it's hard to deny that this is an exciting, visually amazing film that re-energized a dying franchise, while telling one of the most epic stories in Trek history. If nothing else, the movie gets by on sheer enthusiasm, as everyone involved seems to have had a blast making it. Even if there are plot holes. Big, stupid plot holes that could have easily been...oh, fine, whatever. It's a great film. It just could have been great-er.

2) Drag Me to Hell

Just when it looked like the only studio horror films we'd get for the foreseeable future were Saw sequels, remakes of 80s franchises, and the occasional piece of crap like The Haunting in Connecticut, comes a brilliant, big-budget horror flick from Sam Raimi, who was away from the genre for too long. There is literally nothing about this movie I didn't like, culminating in a great ending that's guaranteed to stay with you for a while.

1) Avatar

It says a lot about this movie that even though its story is predictable and characters paper-thin, it still provided one of the best, most memorable experiences I've ever had in a movie theater. This is three hours of pure eye-candy, with the 3-D making it as much a theme park ride as a movie. "You have to see this in the theater," is a phrase that gets overused, but those who are waiting to get this from Netflix are doing themselves a huge disservice.

Worst:

5) A Perfect Getaway

I'm not going to spoil the ending, but when you see it, you'll either decide the movie cheated or you won't. Roger Ebert claims it didn't, but I think it did big time, to the point where I'd even say it insults the audience's intelligence.

4) Friday the 13th

There's probably no way this was ever going to be good. But it didn't have to be so bad, either. Since when does Jason Voorhees take people captive and keep them locked up for weeks? Oh, that's right. He doesn't. Except here. Look, making a Friday the 13th film isn't rocket science: Guy in hockey mask kills everyone he comes across. Eve-ry-one. How hard is that? Someone stop Michael Bay. Please.

3) Land of the Lost

I don't get how Will Ferrell and Danny McBride were so hilarious together in Eastbound & Down, but so awful here. The TV show was before my time, so I have no nostalgic memories of it. But considering how fond people seem to be of it, it's hard to imagine a decent film adaptation would have been that hard to pull off. Instead, the film goes for the easiest, lowest common denominator joke at every turn.

2) The Ugly Truth

I don't watch Grey's Anatomy, but I keep hearing how Katherine Heigl wants off the show to make movies. Like this one? Seriously? If she's that stupid, let her. Between this, 27 Dresses, and Knocked Up (which was actually good, though not because of her), she seems content to work exclusively in her own romantic comedy subgenre where the hot, professional woman is too neurotic to find love until the right guy shows her the way. And hey, if that makes her rich and happy, more power to her, but I wish she wouldn't drag down good actors like Gerard Butler with her.

1) Year One

A hideously unfunny movie that tries to get by on Jack Black mugging for the camera, Michael Cera playing pretty much the same role he does in every other film, and cameos by usually funny people like Paul Rudd and David Cross, who I guess owed Harold Ramis a favor or something. Every even halfway-decent joke was used in the trailer, so by the time I actually watched this, there were no laughs to be had whatsoever. Now, to be fair, I did doze off for about 5-10 minutes. So maybe there was some really funny stuff in that period that totally redeems the film. But since I wasn't awakened by the sound of raucous laughter, I kind of doubt it.

Best & Worst of 2009: TV

Best:

5) The Unusuals

Every year, it seems like there's a really fun, brilliant show that completely slips under America's radar, and unfairly gets canceled. This year, this was that show. In general, I hate cop shows because it seems like there are only two types these days: procedural, and dark and melodramatic. So you'd think there'd be room for a quirky dramedy with an all-star cast including that guy from The Hurt Locker, Joan of Arcadia, and Michael from Lost (okay, maybe not "all-star," but still really good), but apparently not.

4) The Big Bang Theory

CBS may as well rename this The Sheldon Show, because the moment Jim Parsons leaves or gets hit by a bus or something, that's pretty much it for the series. But until then, Parsons is giving the best comedic performance on TV, and I'm constantly tempted to buy stuff from this website so I can be more like Sheldon, before I remember that's actually not something one should aspire to.

3) 30 Rock

Kind of an uneven year, but still a great show. They seem to have cut back on the stunt casting, which is nice (Jon Hamm was good, Salma Hayek was not), but the show has settled into a groove that's starting to feel repetitive. Still, it's probably the funniest show on TV, and it'll be interesting to see how the Comcast takeover affects the Sheinhardt Wig Company.

2) Battlestar Galactica

People bitched about the finale. Unfairly, I think, but whatever. But let's not forget everything that led up to it in the final season: Dee's suicide, Gaeta's mutiny, Cylon-on-Cylon violence, and lots of shit blowing up. And hey, the finale was good!

1) Chuck

I'm not going to lie. I feel weird about this. It's like, you know how great a Sausage McGriddle is? But at the same time, you'd be reluctant to stand up and declare that it's better than the food at Blue Duck Tavern, even if you secretly think it is? I know there are better written, better acted shows on TV, but much like the McGriddle, no other show filled me with as much giddy anticipation beforehand, and as much satisfaction afterward. I literally wept with joy when it got its unexpected renewal. Well, not really. But I'm sure that someone somewhere did.

Worst:

5) V

I don't get the geek love for this show. It's uninteresting, it's lazily written (why the hell would the aliens refer to themselves as "Vs"?), and so far, it doesn't hold a candle to the original. Supposedly, it's getting overhauled, but unless that means killing off most of the characters and bringing Jane Badler back to remind everyone what an evil alien is supposed to be like, I don't see the point.

4) Defying Gravity

Several reviews described this as "Grey's Anatomy in space." And I'm sure when the producers were pitching it, they used that exact same description. And yet, they were still given money to make this dull, boring show. Go figure.

3) The Jay Leno Show

Ron Bennington has said that before he took over The Tonight Show, Jay Leno was an incredibly funny stand-up comedian. I'll believe pretty much anything Ron says about comedy, but you don't see much evidence of it here. I feel bad for Leno because he got a raw deal (why ditch a guy when he's still getting good ratings?), but that doesn't mean he should be on TV five nights a week, taking valuable time away from other potential shows.

2) Heroes

I said I wasn't going to watch this anymore, but I gave it another shot. But the two episodes I watched were awful, and since I've sort of stayed current with what's going on, between being bombarded with commercials (could the NBC promo department have been any more excited about Claire making out with a chick?) and reading online synopses, it doesn't seem as though it's gotten good again. If the rumors about this being its last year are true, it's about time NBC put it out of its misery.

1) Cupid

In 1998, the original Cupid was the fun, brilliant show that unfairly got canceled. A remake seemed like a terrible idea, but I went into it with an open mind. And what was my reward? A horribly miscast Bobby Cannavale, and absolutely none of the wit and charm of the original. Just release the original series on DVD, and we can all try and forget this one ever existed.

Best and Worst of 2009: Comics

Disclaimer: As usual, I'm only including superhero (or superhero-ish, anyway) books on this list for three reasons: 1) I usually wait for the other stuff to come out in TPB form before reading it, 2) I have no idea how to compare, say, Green Arrow to Asterios Polyp, and 3) Superhero comics are just more fun to rank.

Best:

5) Marvel Zombies Return (Marvel)

After not only running the Marvel Zombies concept into the ground, but kicking dirt over it for good measure, Marvel somehow managed to breathe new life into it with this mini-series that almost recaptures the sheer awesomeness of the first one. The gruesome way an alternate-universe Spider-Man is killed by the Sandman is worth the price of admission alone.





4) R.E.B.E.L.S. (DC)

Between the surprisingly successful reimagining of Starro (how often does tinkering with a classic supervillain ever actually work?) and the sheer joy of watching Vril Dox cruise around the galaxy acting like a sociopathic dick (his receiving the Sinestro Corps ring might have been the best comic book moment of 2009) this is arguably the most fun series DC's currently putting out.




3) Irredeemable (Boom!)

What would happen if the world's most powerful superhero decided he'd rather rule the world than protect it? And what would happen if his former allies tried to stop him, only to find themselves being hunted down and forced to team up with the very villains they used to fight against? That's the question posed in a comic that takes a few of the themes Mark Waid first established in Empire, and runs with them in a new and even more interesting direction.



2) Detective Comics (DC)

On paper, there's no way this should be as good as it is. It's following Paul Dini's awesome run on the title, it's by Greg Rucka, the textbook definition of an uneven writer, and in the absence of Batman, it features Batwoman, a character that arrived with a bang, but then sat around collecting dust. But some surprisingly sophisticated stories and the always mind blowing J.H. Williams III artwork make this the most unexpected hit of the year.



1) Secret Six (DC)

Ever since John Ostrander revolutionized how supervillains are written in Suicide Squad, people have been trying to replicate the formula. Gail Simone is one of the few writers who have succeeded, and whether the team is trying to recover a Get Out of Hell Free card or fighting an Amazon-eating demon, this series never fails to be anything short of awesome.




Worst:

5) Herogasm (Dynamite)

I like Garth Ennis. I like The Boys. What I found I don't like is Garth Ennis writing a Boys story with absolutely no self-restraint. Filthier and more graphic than The Boys at its worst, Herogasm was pure Ennis id, and if I were a 13 year-old boy, I'm sure I would have giggled my way through it. But I could have looked past all that if the story didn't fall completely flat--in particular, its anticlimactic last issue--and left me wondering why this needed to be a separate mini-series in the first place.


4) Barack the Barbarian (Devil's Due Publishing)

I keep going back and forth as to whether it's even possible for someone to have conjured up a decent comic with this concept, or if it was doomed to fail simply because it takes the President of the United States and puts him in a fur diaper. Like, suppose you got an all-star team of Alan Moore, Grant Morrison, George Perez, and Neal Adams together, and said, "Guys, here's $10 million. Make this comic happen!" could they pull it off? Honestly? I don't think they could. That doesn't excuse the actual creative team who was responsible for this dreck, though.


3) Drafted: One Hundred Days (Devil's Due Publishing)

An only marginally less stupid plot than, "What if Barack Obama was a barbarian?" was "What if Barack Obama was a survivor of an alien invasion?" But at least Barack the Barbarian aspires to be clever. Drafted: One Hundred Days was just a blatant "Let's put Obama on the cover and make lots of money!" move, with a weak story and an utterly grotesque scene where the other Obama family members are graphically killed in an alien invasion. If there's an upside to Obama's dwindling approval rating, it's that Devil's Due will be less likely to put out crap like this.


2) Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash: The Nightmare Warriors (Wildstorm/Dynamite)

Sigh. I was so looking forward to this, too. I enjoyed the first Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash mini-series, and when I heard about the sequel, I was really jazzed. Freddy and Jason attack Washington, D.C.? All the survivors from the previous Elm Street and Friday the 13th films team up to stop them? Sold! But some bad and occasionally just bizarre artwork (one page in particular, where a couple of the girls sit on Maggie's bed, looked unintentionally and hilariously pornographic) and some equally bad and bizarre writing, completely ruined an otherwise great plot.


1) Marvel Zombies: Evil Evolution (Marvel)

You know all that goodwill Marvel Zombies Returns re-established for the franchise? Gone in one fell swoop, thanks to this horribly conceived, virtually unreadable comic, pitting zombie versions of Marvel's characters vs. ape versions of Marvel characters. Fortunately, if/when Marvel decides to bring the zombies back, this story can be easily ignored, but it should serve as a warning not to just stick the logo on any piece of crap and count on people automatically buying it.

Washington Super Ball

Because I was too lazy to actually open the magazine, I have no idea what the Washington Super Ball was, or even if that was the official name of the event or just what Life Magazine dubbed it for the cover. But the fact that it was at the Kennedy Center, and Ted was there, and it took place in the 70s, when most of the stuff that freaks us out now (alcoholism, drug abuse, unprotected sex with random strangers, hot pants, etc.) was common and indeed, even socially acceptable to varying degrees, makes me suspect that it was one of the greatest parties D.C. has ever seen.

It's my fondest wish that someone resurrect the Washington Super Ball for 2010. And no, I don't mean you fucking hipsters, where you call it a "ball," but in reality, you're using the title ironically, and it's just a bunch of people wearing sunglasses indoors, dancing to your filthy indie music no one's heard of, while drinking cans of PBR. Make it a real ball. With fancy clothes, and dancing to good music, and Kennedys. Okay, fine, there aren't that many Kennedys left. Clintons, then. Or if we must, Bidens.

Regardless, this is too good of a name to just be lying around, unused. I don't even want to come. Just knowing that something called the Washington Super Ball exists would make me happy.

Yeah, I know. That's kind of weird. What can I say, weird things make me happy.

Panel of the Week

I don't have a Panel of the Week, because it's Christmas and I'm out of town and nowhere near a comic book store.

Instead, I figured I'd share this wonderful picture of a McRib Sandwich, in all of its almost Christ-like glory. It was my first one in over a decade, because for some reason, McDonald's doesn't seem to think the D.C. metro area deserves to have McRibs.

So the next time someone tries to tell you that the McRib is no longer available anywhere, or you begin to wonder if maybe it wasn't just a figment of your imagination in the first place, don't worry. It's real. And it's FABULOUS.

Week Sixteen NFL Picks

7 -9 last week; 114-110 for the season

San Diego at Tennessee (-3): San Diego

Tampa Bay at New Orleans (-14): Tampa Bay

Baltimore at Pittsburgh (-2.5): Baltimore

Kansas City at Cincinnati (-13.5): Cincinnati

Jacksonville at New England (-7.5): Jacksonville

Oakland at Cleveland (-3.5): Cleveland

Carolina at New York Giants (-7): New York

Buffalo at Atlanta (-9): Buffalo

Houston at Miami (-3): Houston

Seattle at Green Bay (-14): Green Bay

Detroit at San Francisco (-12.5): San Francisco

St. Louis at Arizona (-14): Arizona

New York Jets at Indianapolis (-5.5): Indianapolis

Denver at Philadelphia (-7): Philadelphia

Dallas at Washington (+7): Washington

Minnesota at Chicago (+7): Minnesota

Avatar

As I become older and get more and more movies under my belt, I find myself becoming increasingly cynical about them. Especially genre, blockbuster type movies, which in general seem to be getting worse and more predictable. So of course, I went into Avatar, arguably the most-hyped genre film since Terminator 2, all but expecting to be let-down.

Instead: Best. Movie. Of. The Year.

Spoilers follow...

The Good

- World building. I'd read about how much time and effort James Cameron put into designing the alien species in the film, but I had no idea it would result in something this great. Quite simply, this may be the most fully-formed alien world/culture to ever appear in a movie. The aliens, their language and customs, the plants and animals around them...everything is just amazing. As far as establishing an alien race goes, Cameron did more in one film than George Lucas did in six, or Star Trek did in ten (plus hundreds of hours of television). Cameron's supposedly been working on this story since 1994, and it shows.

- The casting. I'm not sure what deal Sam Worthington cut with Satan to go from complete obscurity a year ago to starring in Terminator Salvation, Avatar, and next year's Clash of the Titans remake, but it was clearly a good one. He's great, Sigourney Weaver is great, Stephen Lang is great (and being 25 years younger than him, his arms made me feel ashamed of myself physically), and even though we don't ever see her, what the heck, Zoe Saldana is great, too.

- The special effects. This is the first mostly CGI film I've ever seen that didn't feel like it was a CGI film. One of them half-naked blue-skinned aliens could walk into my living room right now, and I don't think it would look significantly different than the ones on the screen did.

- The 3-D. If there was something between "The Good" and "The Bad," this is where this would go. On one hand, it was really well done, and if you haven't seen the film in 3-D, you haven't really seen it. At the same time, though, it felt like Cameron could have done more with it. But on the whole, very impressive.

- The violence. I was pleasantly surprised at how violent the climax was, what with soldiers getting impaled, chomped on by birds, etc. The scene where Jake jumps onto the ship and mercilessly guns down the humans, was especially explicit. To a degree, I was expecting this movie to be an extended toy commercial, so it was nice to see such an intense (albeit, bloodless) finish.

- Assurance about the future. I can't tell you how pleased I am to know that even 150 years in the future, Michelle Rodriguez will still be rocking a tank top.

The Bad

- The length. As the movie began, I wondered why Cameron seemed to be cramming in so much exposition in the first five minutes. 260 minutes later, it became obvious. If Cameron could have cut just half-an-hour from the film, it would have made the whole thing a lot more enjoyable.

- The story. It worked, but anyone who saw the trailer knew exactly how it was going to play out, and it did so to the letter, without any real twists or surprises whatsoever. It would have been nice if Cameron had thrown some kind of monkey wrench in to catch people off-guard.

The Ugly

- Not the film's fault, but this really pissed me off: So a couple of weeks ago, I heard that Bones, a show I normally avoid like the plague, was doing an episode based on The King of Kong. Intrigued, I turned in, and was essentially pummeled with an hour-long commercial for Avatar, as three of the show's characters spent most of the episode plotting how they could be among the first in line for it. Fox even had the balls to include a scene where they actually show the film's trailer as the characters huddle around a computer to watch it. And as bad as I thought all that was, it became even worse when I realized while watching the film that one of those guys is actually in Avatar. Fox would undoubtedly call this synergy. I call it whoredom beyond belief.

To Sum Up:

Like I said, best movie of the year. Best sci-fi movie to come along in years. Go see it, and see it in 3-D.

Death perception

Obviously, it's a shame that Brittany Murphy is dead. Aside from the inherent tragedy of anyone so young dying, she was in a few good movies, was great on King of the Hill, and to be somewhat shallow, she was also really hot. More so as a blonde (the above poster is the best, and indeed, only argument to see Just Married), but certainly, she pulled off a brunette, too.

That said, I'm surprised at what a big deal the press is making about her death.

The Washington Post put together an extensive photo gallery to accompany the AP article it ran. The Huffington Post did a smaller one, but with the far more dramatic headline, "Brittany Murphy's Movies: A Look Back At Her Too-Short Career." On the news last night, she was eulogized with about the same reverence you'd expect if Meryl Streep or Julia Roberts had died.

According to IMDB, the last movie she appeared in was MegaFault, a Syfy original movie in which she plays a seismologist who teams up with Eriq La Salle to stop an earthquake from destroying the Earth. Or something. I don't know. I tried watching it a couple of months ago, but had to tap out after 20 minutes.

Her previous three films were Across the Hall, Tribute, and Deadline. None of them got within a thousand miles of a movie theater. In fact, Tribute was a Lifetime movie. The last big budget film she starred in was Little Black Book in 2004, which I've never seen, but seem to remember as getting universally awful reviews, and more or less seems to have derailed her career. It's telling that as news organizations report on her death, the only films of hers they can cite are Clueless and 8 Mile, and to a lesser extent, Girl, Interrupted, but I don't recall Murphy getting anywhere near the critical acclaim for that film as news reports are now trying to retroactively give her.

For almost a full 24 hours, "RIP Brittany Murphy" was the top of the Trending Topics list on Twitter.

And the point of this is not to say that she doesn't deserve to be remembered, but if you contrast the interest in her death to the interest in her life before this, there's a huge differential. Other than the commercials on Syfy for MegaFault, the only time I even heard Brittany Murphy's name in the past few years is when she was supposedly fired from a movie a couple of months ago. (I'm pretty sure I read that on The Huffington Post, actually. If so, probably the only two stories they've written about her were that and "Brittany Murphy's Movies: A Look Back At Her Too-Short Career." All things being equal, I'm sure there are other things Murphy would have liked them to write about her, even if they didn't result in as many page views as stories about her getting fired and dying.)

So, yeah, this whole thing seems more than a little manufactured. Maybe it's just part of the media's larger obsession with young, pretty white women who go missing or meet untimely ends. If, say, Sanaa Lathan or Paul Walker, two non-white female actors who I'd put at about Brittany Murphy-level fame, had died yesterday, would they be getting anywhere near the coverage Murphy is?

I get that we live in a celebrity-obsessed culture, especially when those celebrities turn up dead, but it'd be nice if, when their deaths are being reported on, history wasn't rewritten so as to turn them from B-listers into megastars. Maybe media outlets think they're doing them a favor, but it seems more than a little insulting.

Snowpocalypse

In Minnesota, yesterday would have just been called Saturday. Here, it's being referred to as Snowpocalypse.

I was unable to leave my apartment all day yesterday. Well, okay, not unable. In theory, I could have gone outside any time I wanted. But it was a really unappealing prospect. I didn't even venture out onto my balcony. I bought a couple of cigars on Friday in anticipation of the storm, thinking it might be fun to sit out and smoke them as the snow came down. That plan was quickly forgotten once I saw how hard the wind was blowing, and how miserable my neighbors looked playing with their kids or walking their dogs.

So I stayed in my apartment for over 36 straight hours, which is a personal record. I did nothing this weekend but eat, drink, play video games, watch movies (including Lockjaw: Rise Of The Kulev Serpent, in which DMX fights an evil demonic snake, and Walled In, in which Mischa Barton plays an engineer. So obviously, neither one was especially plausible), and caught up on some light reading. You know...Proust. Tolstoy. Dostoevsky.

Okay, fine: I read comic books. I don't even know who Proust is. But I'm fairly certain Hack/Slash, Emperor Joker, and Eclipso (Hero and Villain in One Man!) are comics Proust would have written if he were alive today. And you know, writing comic books.

I also watched and read a lot of local coverage about the storm. Most of it, I found annoying.

-- Every five minutes, someone on TV would plead with people not to drive anywhere "unless you absolutely have to." Hey, no shit, really? Now, I'm not saying there weren't idiots who looked out their windows yesterday and still decided to try to go Christmas shopping or see Avatar or whatever, and promptly got stuck or wrecked their cars. But they were going to do that regardless of whether or not Will Thomas begged them not to. The rest of us understand that heavy snow = bad driving conditions.

-- Saturday evening, WTTG announced that the Archdiocese of Washington had given Catholics dispensation to skip Mass. The female anchor, whose name I don't remember, then went on to explain at some length why, under the circumstances, it was okay for them to stay home Sunday. So basically, the Vatican said it was fine, but just in case D.C. Catholics still weren't entirely convinced, a Fox anchorwoman felt the need to sign off on it, too. Bully for her.

-- In a story now getting national attention, a detective whose Hummer got stuck near a massive snowball fight pulled his gun after he was pelted with snowballs. Yes, he was wrong. But so were the indignant jerks on the video who acted like he'd actually opened fire on them. If people want to start a giant, spontaneous snowball fight in the middle of the city, great. More power to them. I wish I'd been there for it. But if someone isn't playing, that snowball to the face suddenly becomes assault. It'd be nice if both sides could just admit the whole thing was an unfortunate incident and move on, but this being D.C., I'm sure lawsuits are already being prepared. ("Your Honor, my clients are so traumatized, they can no longer even pack a snowball without suffering a crippling fear of being shot to death by the police. Give us a million dollars. Each.")

-- Between the four local stations, they probably had around 50 people out and about, reporting on how bad it was from Tysons Corner, College Park, Alexandria, downtown D.C., etc. And they were all saying the same thing: It's bad! Don't drive! Hey, look, people wearing snowshoes! Eventually, a few of them apparently got loopy, and decided to start making snow angels or found a small child, and interviewed him about his thoughts on the snow. When storm coverage gets to that point, it can't possibly still be considered journalism. So why not just let your reporters go home and throw on a rerun of The Office?

Anyway, the digging out continues, and with schools and the federal government closed tomorrow, we're guaranteed at least one more day of manufactured Snowpocalypse coverage. Fortunately, Syfy has us covered with a marathon of documentaries (or "documentaries," I guess) about the Bermuda Triangle, Roswell, and Crystal Skulls.

It's not DMX versus a snake, but what is?

Panel of the Week

From Green Lantern Corps #43:

Week Fifteen NFL Picks

8-8 last week; 107-101 for the season

Indianapolis at Jacksonville (+3): Jacksonville

Dallas at New Orleans (-7): New Orleans

Chicago at Baltimore (-11): Chicago

New England at Buffalo (+7): New England

Arizona at Detroit (+12.5): Detroit

Cleveland at Kansas City (-2): Kansas City

Miami at Tennessee (-3): Tennessee

Houston at St. Louis (+11): Houston

Atlanta at New York Jets (-4.5): Atlanta

San Francisco at Philadelphia (+8.5): Philadelphia

Oakland at Denver (-14): Denver

Cincinnati at San Diego (-6.5): Cincinnati

Green Bay at Pittsburgh (-2): Green Bay

Tampa Bay at Seattle (-6.5): Tampa Bay

Minnesota at Carolina (+9): Minnesota

New York Giants at Washington (-3): Washington

The Lost Symbol: My three months late book report

I picked up The Lost Symbol the week it first came out. I'm not entirely sure why. I tried reading The Da Vinci Code a few years ago, and got bored and quit. Then I tried reading Angels & Demons, and got bored and quit. Then I went to see The Da Vinci Code, and got bored and stayed for the whole film...but yeah, bored.

So even though there was no really good reason for me to get The Lost Symbol, except perhaps as a cure for insomnia, I guess I bought it because it was set in D.C., and was this big pop culture thing everyone was making a big deal out of, and since Borders and Barnes & Noble are getting killed by Amazon and forced to sell best-sellers at deep discounts, I think it only cost around $15. So I figured, what the hell?

I read two pages, and got bored and quit. For weeks, it just sat in my apartment collecting dust.

And it would still be sitting there had I not watched Angels & Demons on DVD a couple of weeks ago, and really kind of dug it. It's just like The Da Vinci Code, but stuff happens! So all of a sudden, I'm all yay, Robert Langdon! But I had a problem: The next film won't be out for at least a couple of years, and I didn't want to wait that long for the next installment.

Fortunately, a dusty book in my apartment held the solution. If only I could get past the first two pages.

I did, and here are a few thoughts on it. Spoilers follow...

-- The thing the D.C. blogosphere initially latched onto was the fact that in the book, the Redskins are playing a playoff game on the night the story takes place. Which at first didn't sound at all right to me, but apparently is possible, if the Redskins were playing in the NFC Championship Game with home field advantage. Which is probably the most laughable plot point in a book full of laughable plot points, but does pass factual muster. Well done, Dan Brown.

-- The idea of the Masons being an ultra-powerful secret society, made up of--as Brown puts it--"prominent U.S. senators, two Supreme Court justices, the secretary of defense, the Speaker of the House, the secretary of homeland security, and the director of the CIA," seems to be at odds with an article the Washington Post ran several years ago, which basically claimed that Freemasons were dying because no one under 30 wants to put on a goofy robe and hang out in a Mason lodge with a bunch of old men.

If such important people really were Masons, what young, ambitious D.C. worker wouldn't join up? They'd have to turn people away! Heck, they might even have to let chicks join.

-- At one point, Brown actually uses this line: "His massive sex organ bore the tattooed symbols of his destiny." Now, I always get annoyed when people claim successful authors like John Grisham or J.K. Rowling aren't good writers, as it always seems like sour grapes. Having said that...Dan Brown is not a good writer. I don't begrudge him the millions of dollars he's made, but wow. How does any halfway respectable editor not burst out laughing upon reading that, and make him change it?

-- Anyone who didn't see the twist with Zachary coming, not just a mile away, but tens of thousands of miles away, shouldn't be allowed outside on their own. Really just horribly telegraphed.

-- On the other hand, I did think Brown sold Langdon's "death" well. I didn't actually believe he'd killed off his golden goose, but for those 20 or so pages, I found myself thinking how cool it would be if a writer did kill off his main character in such a manner. The way Brown weaseled out of it, though (Langdon didn't drown in water, he drowned in that breathable liquid stuff, just like in The Abyss! He's okay!) was crap.

-- For the most part, Brown didn't completely butcher D.C. geography, unlike, say, the last season of 24. Sure, trips that should have taken 15 minutes by car often only took 5, but I can overlook that. The only glaring error seemed to be how Metro Center magically moved about 1,000 yards over to Freedom Plaza.

-- This is one of those books that seems like it has a never-ending series of endings, when just one would have sufficed. Once Langdon rescues Solomon and Mal'akh is dead, it could have stopped there. We didn't need the trip to the Washington Monument. Also, for someone who'd been tortured, had his right hand cut off, and found out his son was a psychopath, Solomon seemed to be in pretty good spirits. It's kind of like the end of License to Kill, when Felix Leiter is surprisingly chipper in his hospital bed, despite his wife having been raped and murdered right in front of him, and losing his leg to a shark.

-- Is Langdon gay? I'm actually genuinely curious about this. I'm not saying every character has to be James Bond, but unless you're Doctor Who, you can't constantly be teaming up with beautiful women, and have absolutely nothing happen, and not have people ask questions. If Brown decides to go this route, it would make Dumbledore's outing look like peanuts.

Anyway, is The Lost Symbol a great book? No. Is The Lost Symbol a good book? No. Is The Lost Symbol the perfect book for people who can shut off their brains and are desperate to be entertained during long trips home for the holidays? It sure is!

Doubleday should feel free to use that quote for the paperback.

Things I want for Christmas that no one can give me

Over the past couple of weeks, some of my family members have asked me what I want for Christmas. And for the first time ever, I didn't have an answer. I racked my brain, but there's nothing in particular I really want or need at the moment. So I rattled off a couple of charities and told them that instead of buying me presents, to just go ahead and make a donation in my name. No, I'm kidding. I asked for gift cards.

But my larger point remains. There's just nothing I currently want. Nothing that can be purchased, anyway. Here are a few things that I would like, but won't--and indeed, can't--be bought for me.

1) A winning fantasy football team

Every season, my team gets off to a great start. Every season, my ascent to the playoffs seems assured after the first few weeks. Every season, I get cocky and insufferable. And every season, my team takes a tremendous nosedive, and I end up missing the playoffs.

Next year, I'd like my team to play as well in weeks 7-12 as it does in weeks 1-6. I'm not even saying I want to win the playoffs. Just make them. Baby steps. It's a rebuilding year.

2) Joe Lieberman to get herpes

And dropped from his health insurance the same week.

3) A West Wing reunion special

President Santos is up for reelection next year. Don't we all want to check in and see how he's doing? Plus, we could get other questions answered. Are Josh and Donna still together? Has anyone come up with a rational explanation as to how CJ became chief of staff? We need to know these things.

4) The Nightmare on Elm Street remake not to suck

It will. But it'd be nice if it didn't.

5) The fedora to come back in style

I love fedoras, and I was hoping Fenty would start a trend when he took office, and he'd be such a kick-ass mayor, men all around D.C. would start wearing fedoras to emulate him. Unfortunately, Fenty proved to be kind of a whiny, petulant dick, but people can and should still start wearing fedoras again. Also unfortunately: I'm a trend follower, not a trendsetter, so I'm going to need other guys to start wearing them before I do.

6) A great interview

The good news is, this blog is established enough for me to occasionally get the opportunity to interview people. The bad news is, this blog isn't anywhere near established enough for me to get the opportunity to interview people anyone cares about: Bands no one's heard of. A Target spokesperson. Ed Norton, if I felt like going up to New York on my dime. (Ostensibly, this interview would have been about his recent HBO documentary, but had I attended, I would have just asked questions about The Incredible Hulk until they kicked me out.)

There are three people I want to interview: Dan Snyder, Marion Barry, and President Obama. I don't even want to sit down with them. That's too much effort. I just want to email them a list of five questions and post their responses. Someone make this happen.

7) Peace on Earth, goodwill toward men

For one day...just one day...I'd like people around the world to put down their weapons and forget their differences and come together in harmony. And after they've done so, I'd like our military to quickly move in and wipe them out once and for all, so we can bring our troops home and stop wasting money on all these wars and put it towards health care so Joe Lieberman can get Valtrex for his herpes.

Dating for D.C. Dummies

Based on the past month, I'm cautiously encouraged by Date Lab's apparent willingness to once again send D.C.'s most self-absorbed singles out on dates, instead of just catering to good, decent, boring people. Let's hope this is a trend that continues into 2010.

After all, jerks need companionship, too.

Chinwe: When I saw him I thought, He looks just like my roommate. That wasn't necessarily a good thing. He wasn't ugly, but you wouldn't stare at him longingly if you didn't know him.
...
[But] I think I knew after I saw him that it wasn't going to work.

This is an expectation people have when they sign up for Date Lab? Someone they would "stare at longingly"? It's bad enough when Date Labers complain that "he/she wasn't my type" or "there wasn't a spark" when they first meet. Now they're disappointed at the lack of physical perfection?

Sometimes it seems like people get Date Lab confused with one of those dating service that only matches up attractive people. It's not, you know. It's really, really, really, really not. You know the old saying, "You get what you pay for"? Well, since Date Lab springs for your meal, you're essentially paying -$100. Think about it.

Chinwe: There were moments where it was fun and definitely places where I was, like, I totally connect with that, but I just didn't want to start talking about it. Whenever there was a pause I hummed to myself, AWK-ward. I don't know if he heard.

So the conversation was flowing reasonably well for the most part--which, of course, is ahead of the curve when it comes to blind dates--but because there were a few lulls here and there, Chinwe still felt the need to be obnoxious? Also, when you're the one who's making the conversation awkward by refusing to talk about certain topics, it seems like it's poor form to then make an issue out of it.

If it were me, I would have let the first AWK-ward pass. The second time? I would have excused myself to go to the restroom and just not come back.

Chinwe: The one test that I always do is if I can look into your eyes and think about how it would be to look into your eyes over a romantic candle-lighted dinner. But at one point, he was looking at me, and I was, like, No, I don't want to look into your eyes. So we didn't pass the test.

You know that scene in A Bronx Tale, when Chazz Palminteri explains the "car door test"? Rather than explain, I'll just copy and paste from IMDB:

"Alright, listen to me. You pull up right where she lives, right? Before you get outta the car, you lock both doors. Then, get outta the car, you walk over to her. You bring her over to the car. Dig out the key, put it in the lock and open the door for her. Then you let her get in. Then you close the door. Then you walk around the back of the car and look through the rear window. If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in: dump her."

"Just like that?"

"Listen to me, kid. If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in, that means she's a selfish broad and all you're seeing is the tip of the iceberg. You dump her and you dump her fast."

I've heard of people actually doing this in real life. And while I do understand the basic logic of it, it's still bullshit, because it fails to take into account any number of possibilities as to why the broad...er, woman...doesn't unlock the door, from nervousness to absent-mindedness to being distracted by something while the guy is walking around. None of which are really grounds to dump her and dump her fast.

And all of this is to say that up until now, that was the stupidest first date test I'd ever heard of. Up until now.

Jared: She wrapped things up. She told the waiter that we were done. I could have talked a little more.
...
Chinwe: If he had said, "Let me have your number and let's go out," I would have done it. He seemed cool to hang out with. But I think because it's up to me and only up to me, I'm probably not going to make the effort.

Gee, I can't even imagine where he would have gotten the idea that there was no point in asking her for her number.

Jared: You dodged a huge bullet, here. You can and will do better.

Chinwe: By all means, stick with your absurd expectations and silly tests. And years from now, when you're rationalizing that the reason you're still single is because you "just know what you want and refuse to pass time on people you couldn't see yourself seriously dating down the line" don't worry, it's not because of anything you did.

Weekend Beer-Off! U.S.A. vs. Austria

Beers
Brand/Brewery
Old Rasputin--North Coast Brewing Company
Gösser--Brau Union Osterreich AG

Old Rasputin: A thick stout, which seemed somewhat more bitter than usual, it took a few swigs before I started to really appreciate the taste. It's a little more complex than I'm used to, and not something I'd necessarily want to have on a regular basis, but it's really good stuff. It has a heavy coffee-ish aftertaste that, depending on how you feel about coffee, is either great or a bit of a distraction.

Speaking of distractions: The label is very nicely designed, but having an infamous Russian madman staring at you while you drink his beer, is a little weird. And the next time I have one of these, I'm going to drink it straight from the bottle, as it has an unpleasant root beer-ish look when poured in the glass.

Taste: B+
Label: B
Appearance: C+
Overall: B+

Gösser: It's a solid beer, and if--as the label claims--it really is "Austria's finest," I can see why. It's smooth, sweet, and had a rather pleasant non-hoppy aftertaste. It's not the most exciting beer in the world, but it gets the job done. I undoubtedly would have enjoyed it even more if were 90 degrees outside instead of 40.

There's something really admirable about the label design I can't quite articulate. It's not especially flashy, but there's a sleekness about it you don't see very often. More microbreweries should take this approach instead of trying to be overly clever.

Taste: B
Label: B+
Appearance: A
Overall: B-

Winner: U.S.A.!

Panel of the Week

From DC Universe Holiday Special '09 #1:

Christmas in spandex

There are very few comics from my childhood that I'd describe as being absolutely perfect, but this was one of them:

It came out exactly 20 years ago, and as you can probably surmise from the busy cover and rather self-explanatory title, was a DC Comics Christmas special.

Specifically, it contained several Christmas-themed short stories: Superman comes across a stranded motorist about to commit suicide; Wonder Woman experiences her first Christmas; Batman does...something or other (I'm drawing a blank on that one, so I guess they weren't quite all winners); Enemy Ace delivers supplies to an Allied hospital; Green Lantern and the Flash teach a miser about...wait for it...the true meaning of Christmas; and the ghost of Supergirl gives a depressed Deadman a pep talk.

Since then, DC has released several more Christmas specials, now under the considerably more bland "DC Universe Holiday Special" title. Most of them have been pretty forgettable (the story about Santa Claus invading Apokolips to leave coal in Darkseid's stocking, being a notable exception), but they keep coming.

Which brings us to the 2009 edition:

With a whopping 16 stories, at least you're guaranteed to get your money's worth!

Wait, how much is this thing, again? Six dollars?!? Holy fuck, comics are expensive these days. Maybe you don't get your money's worth. Well, let's find out.

Silent Knight: In a silent story, Batman chases an armed robber dressed as Santa Claus into a warehouse...filled with other guys dressed as Santa! Will Batman be able to use his keen detective skills to determine which one is the criminal? Afterwards, will he sit down and enjoy milk and cookies with the other Santas? Yes and...yes! B-

Man of Snow: Superman encounters a snow golem, and the young Jewish boy who created him. Sure, why not? C-

The Flash Before Christmas: The Flash has to buy presents for everyone at the last minute. I feel this has been done before, but it's a cute story. B+

The Beast Boy Who Hated Christmas: Elasti-Girl and Mento adopt Beast Boy on Christmas. Saccharine enough to make you diabetic just by reading it, the story is saved only by some great artwork by Jonboy Meyers and Chuck Pines. C

Party Gift: Do psychotic supervillains really attend Christmas parties? Here, they do! Dumb story all around. D-

Reason For The Season: The Martian Manhunter solves the murder of a Christmas tree lot owner. Nothing earth shattering, but pretty good. B+

Angel & the Ape: I'll bet someone could have come up with a kick-ass Angel & the Ape Christmas story. But this--only one page, and apparently not even worthy of a title--wasn't it. D

Peace on Earth: Sgt. Rock and a Nazi decide not to kill one another on Christmas. This kind of story is always oddly powerful, and the "shoot on sight" moment is nicely done. Great art, too. A-

Stille Nacht: Sorry, Enemy Ace. There's only room for one WW2-themed story per Christmas special, and Sgt. Rock already took it. Also, I fell asleep halfway through. D+

The Hunt For Christmas: So we've gone from stories featuring Superman and Batman, to B'wana Beast. Great. Kind of scraping the bottom of the barrel, aren't we? D+

Home For Christmas: Captain Marvel and Ibac accidentally destroy a homeless shelter while fighting, then call a truce to rebuild. At this point, my eyes are starting to glaze over. F

Unbearable Loss: The Scarecrow's mother tries to kill herself out of guilt. Thanks to Deadman, she fails, and then bonds with a homeless kid. It's actually better than it sounds. B

A Night Before Christmas Story: Red Tornado totally abuses his powers to trap a bunch of greedy shoppers in a store in order to...wait for it...teach them the true meaning of Christmas. B+

Naughty or Nice: The Huntress breaks up a robbery, and teaches a store owner...well, not the true meaning of Christmas, but something involving being nice to minorities or kids or minority kids. D

Seeing the Light: Ragman ponders Jewish history and lights a menorah. You know, I'm not sure some of these even technically qualify as stories. F

Auld Lang Syne: Adam Strange is trying to catch the next Zeta Beam to the planet Raan, but keeps getting delayed by common criminals. Oh, Adam Strange! Don't worry, everything will work out. It's Christmas! C

So let's review: In 1989, DC Comics released a holiday special with a handful of great stories, and it became an instant classic. In 2009, DC released a holiday special with a glut of stories, very few of which are even good, much less great, and a few real clunkers.

What's the lesson DC should take away from this?

Quality is more important than quantity? Possibly.

Superheroes are ill-suited for 1-to-4 page Christmas stories, and it might be time to stop publishing them? Maybe.

$6 is a fucking insane price for any comic, especially one of such dubious quality? Goddamn it, yes.

Week Fourteen NFL Picks

9-7 last week; 99-93 for the season

Pittsburgh at Cleveland (+9.5): Pittsburgh

New Orleans at Atlanta (+10): Atlanta

Detroit at Baltimore (-13.5): Detroit

Green Bay at Chicago (+3): Green Bay

Denver at Indianapolis (-7): Indianapolis

Buffalo at Kansas City (PK): Buffalo

Carolina at New England (-13.5): New England

New York Jets at Tampa Bay (+3): New York

Cincinnati at Minnesota (-6.5): Cincinnati

Miami at Jacksonville (-3): Jacksonville

Seattle at Houston (-6.5): Seattle

St. Louis at Tennessee (-13): St. Louis

Washington at Oakland (+1): Washington

San Diego at Dallas (-3): San Diego

Philadelphia at New York Giants (-1): Philadelphia

Arizona at San Francisco (+3.5): Arizona

The common cold

A public service announcement for anyone who's recently moved to D.C. or soon will.

It's getting cold.

For most of this week, highs are in the 40s. It snowed last weekend. People are wearing their heavy coats. A couple of times, I've heard a mouse scratching away from the inside of my apartment wall, which prompted me to go out and buy glue traps so if Fievel somehow manages to escape into my apartment to get warm, he's guaranteed a slow, agonizing, horrific death.

By any rational definition, it's getting cold.

But I guarantee that at some point--if not now, then in the coming weeks--almost everyone who lives and works in D.C. for any significant period of time, will have a conversation along these lines:

"Wow, it's cold."

"This? This is nothing. I'm from [Chicago/Alaska/Siberia/Wherever]. That's cold!"

Or if/when it snows again, something like this:

"Can you believe how messy it is out there?"

"This? This is nothing. I'm from [Chicago/Alaska/Siberia/Wherever]. We get real snow up there!"

So if you are a recent transplant, and find yourself about to utter some variation of the above, just know this: No one gives a shit what you think.

If someone claims it's freezing outside when it's 45 degrees, you know what? It's fucking freezing.

If you're amazed that an inch or so of snow, sleet, and freezing rain--the dreaded "wintry mix" that 90% of the storms around here end up being--is capable of sending Washingtonians into a 9/11-like frenzy of panic, just let it pass without comment. (Yeah, that goes for you, too, Mr. President.)

If you absolutely can't keep your northern opinions to yourself, find some bar or email list for new D.C. transplants, and grouse to each other about how people here overreact to winter. Just make sure no one who's lived here for any significant period of time has to listen to it.

And if you wait until the last minute to get to the grocery store the night before a storm, and discover it's completely sold out of bread, milk, and toilet paper, it's your fault, not ours.

Obstructionism

I was in an "obstructed view" part of FedEx Field for yesterday's Redskins game. This meant that we were sitting under an overhead, and there was a pillar in my line of sight, making it so that I had to lean forward and/or contort my neck uncomfortably in order to see what was going on on certain parts of the field. The people behind me weren't so lucky. If my view was obstructed, their view must have been practically nonexistent. The fact that Dan Snyder was allowed to get away with carving out those godforsaken sections into the stadium in order to add more seats is nothing short of criminal. No wonder they go for so cheap on StubHub.

I typically go to only one Redskins game a year. Not because of the cost, but just because I can't make that trek out to FedEx Field more than once every 365 days or so. I don't know how season ticket holders do it. Especially when it gets cold, and the mile-long walk from the Morgan Boulevard station to FedEx resembles what I imagine a death march must be like. I don't know why 15 years ago, no one said, "Uh, Mr. Cooke? This place where you want to put a stadium? It's the worst idea anyone's ever come up with. Not just in regards to stadium placement. Ever." And kept saying it until he listened.

The last game I went to, the Redskins/Eagles game last season, I managed to get seats down in the lower level section, unbelievably close to the field for what I paid for the tickets. It was great...until I found out that in those front sections, people tend to stand up for the entire game. I don't know why. Of all the places in the stadium, the first five rows are precisely where you don't need to stand to get a good view. You've paid all that money for the seats, why not sit down? Relax? Enjoy the game in comfort? ("Comfort" being relative on a freezing cold late December afternoon.)

Thankfully, that wasn't a problem yesterday. People in my section actually used their seats as they were intended to be used. And it was great, until these two guys a few rows in front of me stood up. And kept standing. They weren't blocking my view, but the same apparently wasn't true of the people back and to my left, who started shouting at them to sit down. But because of all the noise, the guys were completely oblivious. Finally, a woman directly behind them tapped them on the shoulder, and they sat down.

Not long afterwards, an obnoxious Saints fan sitting further below stood up and started cheering as New Orleans went down the field. Of all the people behind him, who was it that started shouting at him that he was blocking their view and to sit down? The two guys. Stranger still, several of the irate Redskins fans who'd been yelling at them just a few minutes earlier, now started cheering them. Zeroes to heroes, just like that. And shortly thereafter, they went back to being zeroes, as they stood up again, got yelled at again, and got tapped on the shoulder by the woman behind them again.

No real point to this story. Just that if you want to stand up at a sporting event, make sure everyone behind you is on board with the idea. And if you want to stay seated at a sporting event, but a couple of guys in front of you are standing up, do something manly and aggressive like throw a beer bottle at their heads or threaten to kick their asses if they don't sit back down. Because meekly shouting, "Hey, we bought tickets, too, you know!" just makes you sound like an idiot.

Panel of the Week

From Siege: The Cabal #1:

Week Thirteen NFL Picks

8-8 last week; 90-86 for the season

New York Jets at Buffalo (+3.5): Buffalo

Philadelphia at Atlanta (+5.5): Philadelphia

Tampa Bay at Carolina (-6): Carolina

St. Louis at Chicago (-9): Chicago

Tennessee at Indianapolis (-6.5): Tennessee

Denver at Kansas City (+4.5): Denver

New Orleans at Washington (+9.5): Washington

Oakland at Pittsburgh (-14.5): Oakland

Houston at Jacksonville (PK): Jacksonville

New England at Miami (+3.5): New England

Detroit at Cincinnati (-13): Cincinnati

San Diego at Cleveland (+13): Cleveland

Dallas at New York Giants (+2.5): New York

San Francisco at Seattle (PK): Seattle

Minnesota at Arizona (+3.5): Minnesota

Baltimore at Green Bay (-3): Baltimore

How not to get people to advertise your website

Hello,

This is Shiela from throwbackfootballjerseys.net.
We stumbled on your blog while searching for Football Jerseys related information. We operate the largest Football Jerseys website featuring more than 30,000+ blogs. Our site averages 200,000+ uniques visitors per month. As a kind note We have featured your blog at http://throwbackfootballjerseys.net/blog_awards/index.php?id=159 We would be grateful if you could add the following details to your blogs main page.

http://throwbackfootballjerseys.net'>

Football Jerseys

Looking forward for your confirmation.
Thanks
Shiela
throwbackfootballjerseys.net.

Oh, my God! I...I don't know what to say! Throwbackfootballjerseys.net has given me a Blog Award!

You know...you start a blog, and it's kind of like trying to break into Hollywood. You're like, "I know the odds are a million to one against me. But...wouldn't it be cool if I won the Oscar one day?" In the back of my mind, ever since I started this thing, I've been hoping someone would give me a Blog Award, and I was starting to think it would never happen. Now this! I feel just like Charlize Theron!

After getting Shiela's email, I went out, bought a really nice bottle of champagne and a hooker, and celebrated by getting drunk with the hooker and forwarding the email to other bloggers--needless to say, lesser, award-less bloggers--in order to rub it in their faces.

Then it occurred to me that I should maybe click on the link, just to find out exactly what the heck a Blog Award was.

Well, hey. Apparently, a Blog Award is just being listed on a page with a bunch of other blogs. There's not even any sort of graphic I could put on my blog to announce to the world that it's been awarded. But...but...at least I'm the "Featured Blog," right? That counts for a lot!

Unless you happen to go to http://throwbackfootballjerseys.net/blog_awards/index.php?id=160. Then you see this page:

Oh. What do you know? I'm no longer the Featured Blog. I don't even get a full five stars next to my name. Depending on what number you type at the end of the URL, I'm not even listed on the page at all. There are hundreds of "Featured Blogs."

So apparently, I'm not so special. I asked the hooker to leave. Then I drank all the champagne. Then I cried. Then the hooker came back with her pimp. It turns out you still have to pay a hooker even if nothing happens. They beat me up. Then I cried some more.

Okay, seriously: If I understand this keen marketing strategy correctly, throwbackfootballjerseys.net emails a bunch of bloggers, strokes their egos by saying they've gotten some bullshit blog award (and let's be honest, are even legit blog awards really worth anything?), and then not only wants a link on their main page in return, but actually asks for a response confirming that it's been done. Jesus, why don't I offer to make deliveries for them while I'm at it?

Now, I'm not saying that being on the front page of The D.C. Universe is something to be coveted. Frankly, as anyone on my blogroll can attest, it's not going to result in a lot of hits. But surely, it's worth more than being on a Blog Award page that no one will ever see. Take a wild guess as to how many of their "200,000+ uniques [sic] visitors per month," have paid me a visit.

This actually isn't the first time a website has tried something like this. I once got an email from, of all things, an acne medication company requesting a link. They not only let me know that they'd added my blog to their website (in reality, it wasn't their website, but a separate "featured blog" page designed to look like their website), but informed me how many people they'd already sent my way. As if I couldn't verify this.

When I declined, this was the response I got:

I am sorry to hear that, I have removed your link from my home page.

As far as our two sites being relevant I think you would be surprised what people find interesting as both of our sites provide excellent information about our market, I think the way they offset each other would work out quite nicely.

And that was fun to read, because what blogger doesn't like to be told all his hard work is the perfect compliment to acne medication, and vice versa?

Anyway, I guess by posting this, I've given throwbackfootballjerseys.net the front page link they were after. So good for them. But seriously, if you have a company and/or a website and you want a link, don't fuck around with stuff like this and insult people's intelligence. Offer to pay for advertising or if your budget is zero, just straight-up ask for a free plug.

Hell, in the very least, if you're a jersey company, offer people a free jersey. I'll take anything with Jeff George's name on it.