Batman: Arkham Asylum

When I was about 9 or 10, I was reading a Batman comic and suddenly had an epiphany: I was about the same age Bruce Wayne was when his parents got killed. Granted, I didn't have his wealth, so I couldn't, like, travel around the world learning to be the world's greatest crime fighter, but it occurred to me that if I devoted myself to physical fitness, started taking martial arts classes, and honed my mind to razor sharp perfection, I could grow up to be...well, if not Batman, at least a really smart guy who could kick ass.

But then I started thinking about how much hard work that would involve, and how it took Bruce Wayne's parents getting gunned down in front of him for him to get that kind of motivation, and how since my parents were still alive, I could hardly be blamed for not being driven to put forth that kind of effort. So instead, I just finished the comic book, grabbed a box of Chicken In A Biskit and a Dr. Pepper, and laid down on the couch for a little quality NES time.

20 years later, I now get to find out what it's like to be Batman. And best of all? I still don't have to leave the couch.

This is really, honest to God, one of the best games I've ever played. Even before I bought it last week, I'd downloaded the demo, and knew the full version was getting rave reviews, but I was still skeptical. I don't understand why it's so difficult to make a great game involving a guy who dresses up like a Bat and beats people up with his collection of wonderful toys, but over the years, companies have struggled to pull it off. But this time, Rocksteady Studios pulled it off.

The storyline is familiar to anyone who's read this: The Joker has taken over Arkham Asylum, and Batman has to face not only him, but all of his enemies, in order to save the day. But there's also a nifty little mystery about the Joker's real motivation that unfolds as you make it through the game. It's a lot like Bioshock, in how information is presented to you. The recordings of the various inmates' therapy sessions that you find and can listen to, is a particularly nice touch.

Thanks to the Scarecrow's fear gas, he and Batman
share some quality time together.

I could go on forever about how incredible this game is, but I'll just list my three biggest reasons why:

1) If you're not a comic book geek, don't worry, you can play the game. You may not know who characters like Bane or Oracle are, but you'll get the gist of it. But if you are a comic book geek? So. Awesome. You have Kevin Conroy and Mark Hamill from the animated series doing the voices of Batman and the Joker. You have Arkham beautifully rendered in a way that, while changed somewhat out of necessity, is gorgeous to just walk through. Then you just have little things thrown in, like a relatively obscure character from an old Batman mini-series popping up for a cameo, which, I'm not going to lie, made me squeal like a little girl.

2) The combat is perfectly done. One of the things I typically hate about games like this--whether it features Batman or Spider-Man or really any character who can open a can of whoop ass--is that the game makers always seem to feel the need to make the hero and his opponents somewhat evenly matched. So, for example, some random thug is able to just come up and punch Spider-Man in the face, and if it happens five or six times, Spider-Man dies or gets knocked out or whatever.

Here, Batman can beat up most of the Arkham inmates he runs into without breaking a sweat. Groups of them, even. He'll punch, he'll kick, he'll catch someone's leg and deliver an elbow to the face. As a result, most fights are over in seconds. And this might seem lame, but it's actually great, because it perfectly simulates what it would be like to really be Batman.

These guys learned the hard way that
you don't fuck with me. Er...I mean, Batman.

It also makes you feel a bit invulnerable, so the first time you encounter guys with machine guns, you think, "Hey, no big deal, I'll just introduce them to Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary," only to immediately be cut down in a hail of gunfire. So you're forced to use your brains as well as your fists. The first time you do an inverted takedown (hanging from a gargoyle, you swing down, pull a bad guy up with you, rough him up a bit, and leave him swinging by his feet), is too cool for words. It's even more fun when his fellow bad guys find him swinging by his feet, and immediately become panicked while you lurk in the shadows.

3) The length. I've been playing this for what seems to be hours, and I'm only 22% of the way through the game. Unlike a lot of games, this one will have considerable replay value when, after a few months have passed after I beat it, I go through it again on the hardest settings.

There are two nitpicks: First, the "Detective Mode" feature, which allows you to find clues in order to progress through the story, is a nice touch, but it's a bit too powerful. It's one thing to be able to find items you need to finish the game. But being able to see bad guys through walls is a bit much. Second, everyone who's finished the game says the last boss (the Joker) is really horrible. So I'm not really looking forward to that seemingly inevitable let-down.

But on the whole, this is an amazing game. I would actually say it's good enough to justify springing for a 360 simply to play it. Very rarely do I feel the need to buy a video game as soon as it comes out, but I obviously did here, and have no regrets about doing so. And if, God willing, Rocksteady is already hard at work on a sequel, I'll pick that one up the second it hits the shelves.

Summer Movie Scorecard - Final

Have Seen:

Drag Me to Hell: A+
Inglourious Basterds: A
Orphan: A-
Up: A-
Star Trek: B+
The Hangover: B
Brüno: B-
Funny People: B-
Terminator Salvation: B-
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra: C+
Halloween 2: C+
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen: C+
The Final Destination: C
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: C
X-Men Origins: Wolverine: C
A Perfect Getaway: D+
Year One: F

Halloween 2 & The Final Destination

I'm not entirely sure how two horror movies ended up opening on the same weekend in August, but I'm not complaining. Well, I guess I sort of am, in the sense that after the past four months, I'm pretty fucking tired of sitting in movie theaters, and it might have been nice to put these off until October*. But for any horror geek, two films in one weekend is such a rare occurrence, you can't pass it up.

So was it worth it? Eh...sort of. Yeah, I guess. They weren't bad. They weren't great. But they weren't bad.

Spoilers follow...

Halloween 2

I wasn't crazy about Rob Zombie's Halloween remake. Unlike most horror movie slashers, I think as a character, Michael Myers works best when you know as little about him as humanly possible, and even then, only second-hand. Ditto for his relationship with Dr. Loomis. (Like the Vader/Obi-Wan relationship, nothing a screenwriter could come up with could ever compete with the version in your head.) Basically, all I ask from Michael Myers is that he goes around hacking people to death, and looking bad-ass doing so. That's why I enjoyed even the worst of the Halloween films, because (except for the Michael-less Halloween III), the filmmakers strictly adhered to this philosophy.

But Zombie evidently felt he needed to do something different for the remake, so the first half is Michael as a little kid, killing his family and going through therapy. And it was okay, but I kept waiting for him to grow up, go back to Haddonfield, and start racking up a body count. Then when he did, it was over fairly quickly, and what there was wasn't great. Then Zombie announced he had no interest in doing a sequel (and seemingly went out of his way to make sure no one else could, either, what with Loomis getting his head crushed and Michael taking a bullet to the brain), so it was sort of like...well, okay. Thanks for the remake, Rob. I guess.

When Zombie changed his mind, he thankfully decided to take the sequel in a totally different direction. So we have a new supernatural element, which adds a lot to this new mythology of Michael Myers. And we have blood. Lots and lots of blood. Which is always good.

What we don't have, though, is an especially good story. In fact, it plays out exactly how you expect it to, with absolutely no surprises, including the ending. Well, no surprises, save for random cameos by Howard Hesseman and 'Weird Al'' Yankovic, and Zombie's inexplicable decision to have the previously heroic Loomis run around acting like a prissy asshole for the entire film as he publicizes his book, only to show up at the very end to save the day (again), and seemingly get himself killed (again).

The end result is a film that's sort of schizophrenic and not especially satisfying, but there's enough of Sherri Moon Zombie being a creepy ghost, and dead nurses and teenagers to keep things moving along.

Script: C+
Acting: B
Gore: A
Overall: C+

The Final Destination

You have to give the Final Destination films this much: They keep getting better. That may not be saying a lot, but it's true. Of course, it's not really surprising, because it's essentially the same movie each time, with only--like a book of Mad Libs--a few variables changing. And much like the Saw series, the filmmakers have been fortunate in finding ways to top themselves each time. But every film, it's the exact same story structure, right down to the supposedly shock ending. They've gotten to the point where they're little more than death porn, but hey, it's fun death porn.

This is actually the first film in the series that I've seen in a theater. Every other one, I've just waited for the DVD. But between this one being part of a two-horror film weekend and the 3-D element, I figured what the hell? And I'm glad that I did, but only because of the 3-D. If you don't have access to a 3-D theater, there's absolutely no reason not to just add it to your Netflix queue and wait three months to see it. This film does more with 3-D in the first ten minutes than My Bloody Valentine 3-D did in ninety. But other than that...well, let's just say that aside from the death scenes, the only other reaction from the crowd came when you saw the lead actress in her underwear.

Because it's so similar to the others in the franchise, there's really not much to discuss, other than that I can't decide whether the bit at the very end, where we see the animation of the three surviving characters getting crushed by the truck, was clever or a cop-out. Gore-lover that I am, I kind of wanted to see that scene for real, although I recognize that it was probably more effective as-is. Also, it might be nice if they wrapped the series up at some point, with one of these idiot kids finally figuring out a way to beat Death and make it to their 30th birthday. Because while on one hand, I'm sure these films provide an intriguing commentary on fate and the futility of avoiding death, on the other, they do tend to really bum you out.

Script: C-
Acting: C
Gore: A
Overall: C

* Actually, I guess that wouldn't have been any better. Not surprisingly, October is pretty horror-packed, with Zombieland, Saw VI, and The Stepfather, and even September has Sorority Row, Jennifer's Body, and Pandorum. And except for The Stepfather, all of them look pretty good. Shit like Friday the 13th and The Haunting in Connecticut aside, 2009 has a good shot at going down as one of the best years ever for horror films.

Panel of the Week

From Batman: The Widening Gyre #1:

Hey, aren't you that guy from that blog?

Back when I was working retail a few years ago, a man came into my store. I didn't know who he was, but he looked familiar. A co-worker also thought he recognized him, but also couldn't place the face.

As the guy browsed around, my co-worker and I tried to figure out where we knew him from. We were pretty sure it was someone who worked in the government, but that's about all we could agree on. I thought it was someone high up in the Bush administration. My co-worker thought it was a congressman or senator. We were still debating it when the guy came up to pay for his stuff. Obviously, if he'd pulled out a credit card, that would have solved the whole mystery right there, but unfortunately, he was paying with cash. We probably never would have found out who he was, except that my co-worker was the kind of person who had no problem blurting out something like, "Hi, excuse me, who are you?"

It turns out it was former Defense Secretary William Cohen. So we were both wrong. But for what it's worth, he was totally cool to the two chimps behind the counter demanding to know where we knew him from.

I tell this story for two reasons. First, to brag that I met former Defense Secretary William Cohen and you didn't. (Unless you have. In which case...well, shut up.) Second, and more importantly, to illustrate a phenomenon that's unique to D.C.: The frequency with which you run into people who seem familiar to you, but you don't know why. Politicians. Government appointees. Policy wonks. Minor journalists. Pretty much anyone who gets any sort of exposure. I mean, sure, other cities like New York and L.A. have their share of people you probably shouldn't recognize, but do, like financial types and studio executives. But I think per capita, D.C. has more of them than anywhere else.

And now you can add another group to the list: Bloggers.

I don't even mean professional bloggers, like Ana Marie Cox, Dan Steinberg, or Matt Yglesias (all of whom I've also seen around D.C.), but just your run-of-the-mill guy or girl who gets a free Blogger or LiveJournal account, and throws photos of themselves up online as they discuss their lives. And given the strong D.C.-based blogger community, it's not hard to find them.

I've made a conscious decision not to post pictures of myself, mostly because it's just easier that way, but also because if I did, The Man would come down on me. (Actually, I'm not sure if that's true anymore. The old The Man would have hated it, but the new The Man's sort of laid back. It's entirely possible The Man's reaction would be, "Are you discussing work stuff on this blog? No? Then what the fuck do I care? Go and write about your stupid comic books or whatever, and leave me alone." But why take chances? Especially in this economy.) But other bloggers do, and if you read their blogs on even a semi-regular basis, you can't help but start to remember their faces.

So the question is--and I think this will become more and more relevant as more and more people start blogging--is what do you do when you see a blogger in real life who you recognize?

I mean, even though some bloggers happily share more details about their lives than others, I still suspect most of them enjoy having the security blanket between their blog and real life. And when that blanket is lifted, it's on their terms. They choose which photos to post. They choose when to tweet their location. They choose whether or not to attend blogger meet-ups. And so on. So having someone just come up and say something as seemingly innocuous as, "Hey, I like your blog," seems like it could be potentially disruptive, depending on when and where it occurs. When you're an actual celebrity, you expect that sort of thing. When you're just some blogger, even as you watch your daily hits go from zero to five to ten to a hundred and so on, the idea of people actually reading your stuff still seems somewhat alien.

I've actually had it happen a few times, where I've been out in public, and saw people who looked familiar, and after a few moments of trying to figure out from where (Work? No. Neighbor? No. Employee at one of my usual haunts? No. Another former defense secretary? No.) realized they were fellow D.C. bloggers. I won't mention who specifically, but it's a little weird, where you see them and sort of feel as though you know them, but sort of feel as though you don't, and sort of feel that you should maybe say something, but sort of feel as though you shouldn't. Or someone tweets their location, and you might think, "Hey, that's not far from here. Should I go say hi?"

It's just as weird when your blogging life brushes up against your real life in a more indirect way. Currently, among the people listed on DC Blogs, there's someone in one of my fantasy football leagues, someone I know professionally, another anonymous blogger who I'm about 90% certain is a co-worker of mine, and one of my Twitter followers is someone I knew in college. (And those are just the ones I'm aware of.) How would they react if I said, "Hey, it's me! How's it going? Let's be blogger buddies!" They'd probably be okay with it, but then again, maybe not. Everyone has their own idea of how much they want to reveal of themselves in real life, and it may not be obvious from what they post online.

It's entirely possible I'm over-thinking this, and plenty of great conversations have started with the words, "Hi, I recognize you from your blog, and I just wanted to say I enjoy it," but it still seems like the potential for massive awkwardness exists.

At some point in the future, when everyone has a blog, people are going to have to sit down and hammer out the rules for blog-related etiquette. I'd like to suggest it be established that the proper way to greet a blogger you enjoy is to hand them some sort of alcoholic beverage along with the compliment. Given that most bloggers do seem to have drinking problems of varying degrees, I think this would be a great way to break the ice and make the conversation easier for all parties concerned.

"Fantasy football, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."

I can't even think of words adequate enough to express how much I love fantasy football. So rather than even try, I'm going to let Hollywood do it for me, with just a little paraphrasing:

"Fantasy football completes me." - Jerry McGuire, Jerry McGuire

"Fantasy football should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how." - Rhett Butler, Gone With the Wind

"Fantasy football makes me want to be a better man." - Melvin Udall, As Good As It Gets

"The only things I care about in this goddamn life are me and my drums and fantasy football." - Watts, Some Kind of Wonderful

"I love fantasy football so much, I want to take it behind the middle school and get it pregnant." - Tracy Jordan, 30 Rock

My draft is tonight, and I'm bursting with excitement. I'm literally bursting with excitement. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. "No, idiot, you're figuratively bursting with excitement." No, I mean literally. Even as I type this, excitement is oozing out of my nose and my eyes and most of my other orifices, and it feels awesome. Excitement looks like purple glitter glue and smells like frosting, in case you're wondering.

Last season, my predictions were...well, let's just look at how I had the quarterbacks ranked this time last year, followed by their end-of-season rankings in parenthesis.

1) Tom Brady (59)

2) Tony Romo (10)

3) Ben Roethlisberger (22)

4) Peyton Manning (6)

5) Drew Brees (1)

6) Donovan McNabb (7)

7) Derek Anderson (32)

8) Eli Manning (14)

9) Carson Palmer (39)

10) David Garrard (12)

Ouch.

Some of that can be chalked up to unforeseen circumstances. I mean, who could have known Brady would be out for the season? Or that Kurt Warner could still play football without dropping dead of a heart attack? But other stuff, I just wrongly assumed, like that the Steelers would actually improve their offensive line between '07 and '08, or that T.O. wouldn't start acting like a jackass, or that Derek Anderson had another decent season in him. My running back rankings were even worse.

But the great thing about just being some know-nothing jackass on a blog, as opposed to a professional fantasy football expert, is that I can be as wrong as I want, and not have to worry about getting fired. Not, as far as I can tell, that any professional fantasy football expert actually has been fired for being wrong, but you get the point. So here are my 2009 rankings. Come back next year to see how wrong I was!

Quarterback

1) Drew Brees (Saints)

2) Peyton Manning (Colts)

3) Tom Brady (Patriots)

4) Aaron Rodgers (Packers)

5) Matt Ryan (Falcons)

6) Donovan McNabb (Eagles)

7) Joe Flacco (Ravens)

8) Tony Romo (Cowboys)

9) Matt Schaub (Texans)

10) Ben Roethlisberger (Steelers)

Sleepers: David Garrard (Jaguars), Trent Edwards (Bills), JaMarcus Russell (Raiders)
Busts: Jason Campbell (Redskins), Brett Favre (Vikings), Jay Cutler (Bears)

Running Back

1) Michael Turner (Falcons)

2) Adrian Peterson (Vikings)

3) Matt Forte (Bears)

4) DeAngelo Williams (Panthers)

5) Steve Slaton (Texans)

6) LaDainian Tomlinson (Chargers)

7) Maurice Jones-Drew (Jaguars)

8) Brandon Jacobs (Giants)

9) Clinton Portis (Redskins)

10) Chris Johnson (Titans)

Sleepers: Felix Jones (Cowboys), Reggie Bush (Saints), Leon Washington (Jets)
Busts: Jamal Lewis (Browns), Steven Jackson (Rams), Frank Gore (49ers)

Wide Receiver

1) Larry Fitzgerald (Cardinals)

2) Andre Johnson (Texans)

3) Greg Jennings (Packers)

4) Randy Moss (Patriots)

5) Roddy White (Falcons)

6) Reggie Wayne (Colts)

7) Anquan Boldin (Cardinals)

8) Calvin Johnson (Lions)

9) Marques Colston (Saints)

10) Brandon Marshall (Broncos)

Sleepers: Dwayne Bowe (Chiefs), Torry Holt (Jaguars), Bernard Berrian (Vikings)
Busts: Terrell Owens (Bills), Chad Ochocinco (Bengals), T.J. Houshmandzadeh (Seahawks)

Tight End

1) Jason Whitten (Cowboys)

2) Tony Gonzalez (Falcons)

3) Antonio Gates (Chargers)

4) Dallas Clark (Colts)

5) Greg Olsen (Bears)

6) Chris Cooley (Redskins)

7) Dustin Keller (Jets)

8) Nate Washington (Titans)

9) Kellen Winslow (Buccaneers)

10) Zack Miller (Raiders)

Sleepers: Anthony Fasano (Dolphins), Jermichael Finley (Packers), Bo Scaife (Titans)
Busts: Jeremy Shockey (Saints), Todd Heap (Ravens), Donald Lee (Packers)

Defense/Special Teams

1) Giants

2) Steelers

3) Titans

4) Ravens

5) Vikings

6) Eagles

7) Packers

8) Bears

9) Cardinals

10) Colts

Sleepers: Redskins, Buccaneers, Raiders
Busts: Broncos, Bengals, Panthers

Panel of the Week

From Superman/Batman #63:

Why does America hate Freddie Prinze Jr.?

In between games of Madden over the weekend, I watched a bit of Summer Catch, starring Freddie Prinze Jr. and Jessica Biel. For those unfortunate souls who haven't seen the film, it's about an amateur baseball pitcher in a summer league who's trying to break into the majors, who falls in love with a rich girl with a disapproving father. (Just to be clear, Jessica Biel plays the girl, not Freddie Prinze Jr.)

Is it a great sports film? No. But for an insanely-formulaic romantic comedy aimed squarely at the then-WB crowd, it's not bad. In fact, the basic concept is good enough that if it had had a less Tiger Beat-ish cast and gotten a script polish (or ten), I think it'd be considered one of the better sports films of the last decade. Granted, not that there's been a ton of competition, but still.

However, there's one bit of dialogue in the film that bugged the shit out of me when I first saw it, almost to the point where it completely ruined the film for me, and I was reminded of it when I watched it again.

At the end of the movie, Freddie Prinze Jr. and Jessica Biel have overcome whatever stupid obstacles were keeping them apart. (Er...spoiler alert. Sorry. But let's be honest, if you really cared, you would have found time to watch it at some point over the past eight years.) And Jessica Biel, overcome with joy, says the truly terrible line, "Let's be together." Reading it in print doesn't do it justice. You really have to hear her equally terrible delivery, which you can here, at exactly the 5:00 mark.

Having forgotten about that line in the ensuing years since I last saw Summer Catch, I got annoyed all over again. And since, thanks to Twitter, we now have the ability to immediately share whatever inane thought we have at any given moment with the world, I immediately wrote the following:

Freddie Prinze Jr aside, Summer Catch is a good baseball film until the end when Jessica Biel says "Let's be together!" What a weird, horrible line.

Unfortunately, this put me over the 140-character limit. I thought about taking the gratuitous shot at Freddie Prinze Jr. out, but for whatever reason, it was really important to me that stay in. So I just deleted "Freddie" and I was good to go.

A couple of minutes later, I started wondering, why did I feel the need to take a shot at Freddie Prinze Jr.? As far as I know, he's never done anything to me personally. Like all right-thinking Americans with a weakness for teen comedies, I really enjoyed She's All That. And I don't have any stalkerish, obsessive feelings towards Sarah Michelle Gellar that would motivate me to dislike the guy who's married to her.

And yet...inexplicable dislike.

It's not just me, either. Can you think of anyone you know who would actually identify him or herself as a Freddie Prinze Jr. fan? In fact, just typing those words out--Freddie Prinze Jr. fan--couldn't have felt more unnatural.

When he expressed interest in playing Spider-Man several years back, Sam Raimi said that if he had his way, "Freddie Prinze Jr. won't even be allowed to buy a ticket to see this film." (There's some debate as to whether or not this was said in jest, but even if it was, how often do you hear a director make that kind of joke?) Film critics seemed to take extreme glee in tearing him apart for some of his films. When it was announced that he'd be joining 24 this upcoming season, the Internet released a collective groan. I'd say he's one of America's favorite punching bags, but honestly, you don't even see him enough these days for him to qualify as a punching bag. He had a sitcom a couple of years ago that was cancelled pretty quickly, and he was on WWE Raw this past Monday, and that's about it. Looking at his filmography, it doesn't appear as though any of his films have actually made it to theaters since Scooby Doo 2.

And speaking of his filmography, is it really that terrible? No, it'll never be confused with Sean Penn's. But the only truly, truly offensive movie I can find on there is Wing Commander. Now, I'm not claiming that Down To You or Boys and Girls or Head Over Heels are great films, but were they really that bad? And even if they are, don't She's All That and Scooby Doo (which, to my dying day, I'll swear is a great movie with a brilliant twist) balance things out? If we can forgive George Clooney for Batman & Robin, and Mike Myers for The Love Guru, surely, we can forgive Freddie Prinze Jr. for a few less-than-stellar romantic comedies.

The weird thing is, the people who seem to have the most disdain for him--geeks--should love the guy. He collects comic books. He's such a big wrestling fan, he's blogged about it, and joined the WWE's writing staff for a bit last year. He's married to Buffy the Vampire Slayer. He should be our mascot, not an object of scorn.

So if no one else will say it, I will: I'm a Freddie Prinze Jr. fan. And if this turns out to be the last season of 24 with Kiefer Sutherland, if they want to keep the show going with him in the main role, well then, I say...okay, I'm not quite ready to go that far. But still, I think the guy's earned the right to a comeback. Just someone start sending him better scripts, huh?

Archie finally decides to get laid and get paid

If you know anything about comic books--or even if you don't, really, but possess basic common sense--it's not difficult to look at the cover of one and immediately tell who the target audience is. For example, a comic that has tiny, plump versions of Batman and Superman running around with big grins on their faces is obviously aimed at little kids. Your modern superhero comic is pretty much aimed at anyone who's inclined to read it, but these days, it's primarily targeted towards males in their 20s and 30s. Finally, there are comics from Vertigo or Avatar or any one of a number of indie publishers, that are intended for adults.

Then there's Archie.

I've never been able to figure out what fucking demographic Archie is supposed to appeal to.

Why would young kids want to read about a teenager with two hot girls fighting over him?

Why would teenagers want to read about a teenager with two hot girls fighting over him?

Why would adults want to read a comic featuring plots and jokes that you have to be borderline-retarded to find funny?

As best I can figure out, there's some unknown, unseen group of individuals out there who have been buying these things over the years, keeping the publisher afloat. God only knows who. Women, invested in the never-ending battle between Betty and Veronica for Archie's heart? Illegal immigrants, using these comics and their incredibly simplistic dialogue to learn English? Aliens from another planet, who secretly walk among us and consider Archie comics to be the pinnacle of mankind's cultural achievement?

Regardless, demand must be leveling off a bit, because for Archie #600, Archie Comics decided something drastic was needed:

Before today, I'd never bought an Archie comic in my life. I had the misfortune to read a few that I was given when I was a kid, but I'd never actually paid for one. However, in the interest of this blog, I picked this issue up. And I read it. And it's predictably awful. But...there is one interesting thing about it.

In the story, Archie and his high school friends have just graduated from college and are going their separate ways. (Yeah, I know, most high school friends usually do that after high school, but they all decided to attend "State University" in Riverdale. Even the nerd character who got into MIT for grad school.) Archie immediately goes through an early quarter-life crisis, which is actually probably long overdue, seeing as how he's been around for almost 70 years.

So what does he do when faced with a suddenly uncertain future? Talk to his friends and family about his insecurities? Really sit down and think about what he wants out of life? Get a job? No, he simply asks the hot rich chick who's been obsessively in love with him for decades to marry him.

There's really no indication in the story that they had even been dating at that point. At least, no more seriously than anyone seems to date in the Archie Universe, where this bizarre, sick love triangle turns on on a dime between every configuration except for Betty/Veronica. (For the record, that would get me to read Archie comics.) In fact, Betty seems to think he's going to move to New York to be with her. Archie just grabs Veronica right before she's about to leave on a long cruise, takes her to the jewelry store, buys a ring, and pops the question right there. And when they tell her father the news, he immediately hires Archie to work for him.

In other words, Archie is revealed as a lazy, selfish, gold-digging fuck, who puts his own desires above those of everyone else. In what has to be the deepest panel in Archie Comics history, Jughead of all people nails it.

Destroyed a girl's life. Wow.

I have to admit, though, I am somewhat intrigued by this bold new direction for both the character and the series. I mean, in the world of comics, change like this isn't something you see every day. When Batman got his back broken and was replaced by a new Batman, I thought that was change. When Superman revealed his secret identity to Lois Lane, I thought that was change. But the sudden revelation that Archie Andrews is a cold, calculating monster, who will stop at nothing to get the lifestyle to which he clearly believes he's entitled to? I have to think there's a really good chance that after the wedding, Archie's going to pull a Scott Peterson, and they're going to find Veronica's corpse washed up on the shore, while he and Betty are off on some island, spending his inheritance.

I'm not saying I'm going to keep reading Archie. But after this, I'm not entirely ruling it out, either.

Competitive geeking

[Scotus],

Congratulations! You are confirmed to be among the first to experience select scenes from James Cameron's epic motion picture AVATAR in IMAX 3D, on August 21st.
Details of your screening are as follows:

[Blah, blah, blah]

Please print this e-mail and bring it with you to the screening along with a photo ID.

This screening will be monitored for unauthorized recording. By attending, you agree not to bring any recording devices into the theatre and you consent to physical search of your belongings and person for recording devices. If you attempt to enter with a recording device, you will be denied admission. If you attempt to use a recording device, you consent to immediate removal from the theatre and forfeiture of the device. Unauthorized recording will be reported to law enforcement and may subject you to criminal and civil liability.

That's the email I spent a fair amount of yesterday afternoon trying to get, suffering through server crashes and unresponsive websites and reading frantic tweets from people who were acting as if the world was ending because they couldn't get through. All for a screening of a preview of a movie I'm not super-enthusiastic about, made by a director I'm mostly indifferent towards, which I'll probably just skip on Friday anyway.

For anyone who doesn't know what I'm talking about (and if you don't, good for you, as it means you're likely a functioning member of society), James Cameron declared this Friday to be Avatar Day. Because when you're the King of the World, you can do things like declare your own holidays, even if you haven't directed a goddamn thing over the past 12 years except the pilot episode of Dark Angel and a few documentaries that no one saw. Oh, and in an alternate universe he directed Aquaman, starring Vincent Chase, but then he walked away from the sequel, leaving it in the hands of fucking Michael Bay of all people. So really, in any universe, real or fictional, he hasn't been that impressive.

But I digress. On Avatar Day--or as I like to think of it, Friday--people across the country can see a 15-minute preview of his new film. Passes were distributed online, and in a twist no one could have seen coming, the whole thing turned into a clusterfuck of mass confusion and error messages. And all for the sake of...honestly, I'm not even sure. I don't even know that much about the film. I know it stars the guy who wasn't Christian Bale in Terminator Salvation, I know the 3D technology involved is apparently the greatest thing to happen to movies since Chuck Norris, and I know that geeks seem to get a spontaneous erection whenever they just think about the film. Even female geeks, amazingly enough.

Frankly, I'm more or less meh on the whole thing. I'm sure I'll see it, I'm sure it'll be good, but I don't have even a fraction of the anticipation for it that I do for, say, Inglorious Bastards or even Halloween II.

So why did I go through the hassle of trying to get passes for Friday? Good question. I have no fucking idea. Except that, well...I'm a geek. And if there's one thing a geek hates, it's when other geeks get something he doesn't. Conversely, there's nothing a geek loves more than knowing that he has something that another geek doesn't.

In a way, this sort of competitiveness (and really, aside from Xbox Live and fantasy football, what other sort of competition do we have? Athletics? Most women slept with? Ha!) is what drives the entire geek marketplace. It's why the toy industry has made a fortune off of chase figures and convention exclusives. It's why, before World of Warcraft came along, Magic: The Gathering did so well, because it appealed to geeks' innate desire to both collect stuff and to dominate their foes using pretend-violence. It's why Image Comics almost caused a riot by tossing out rare variant edition comic books into a convention crowd back in the 90s.

Basically, it all comes down to this: Geeks like owning shit. And if it's shit that very few other people own, all the better. Comics, toys, memorabilia, bootlegs, posters, and yes, even passes to advance screenings of parts of movies.

So in the sense that I'm sure somewhere yesterday in the D.C. area, some geek was banging his fists on his table in anger and frustration because he couldn't get through for Avatar passes before they were sold out, yes, sure, I won, in the most petty sense possible. But now that the adrenaline rush and endorphins brought on by the fierce competition involved in repeatedly hitting Refresh on my browser have passed, I'm not sure I even want to go, and in fact, I'm leaning towards not going. I'd say there's a 50/50 chance I'll change my mind, but for now...I dunno.

To any D.C. geeks who tried to get passes yesterday and couldn't, hey, I'm sorry. If I could, I'd give them to you. But as you can see from the above email, Fox made sure there wouldn't be any Craigslist shenanigans involved with this screening. I mean, if you want, I guess you can go on Twitter at approximately 6:20pm EST on Friday, and watch people completely go nuts over what they saw, but I suspect that probably won't be the same.

So again, I apologize. When you're at home alone on Friday, thinking about what you're missing, and how you should be there seeing it along with all the real geeks in the area, you...damn it, see, look at that. Now I'm just rubbing it in. I thought the whole competition thing was over, but as I started typing, I felt the juices flowing all over again. I'm telling you, it's a sickness. I'll bet Michael Phelps was the same way with that French guy he beat at the Olympics last year.

Seriously, though, I'm sorry. And just remember, the important thing here is that even though you didn't get passes, you'll still be able to see the film. In December. Along with everyone else. So really, not so bad, right?

Weekend Beer-Off! U.S.A. vs. Belgium

Beers

Brand/Brewery

Defenders Choice--Coastal Brewing Company
Leffe Blonde--Inbev

Defenders Choice: I usually try to not to put too much thought into what beers I choose for this, but honestly, I picked this one because I saw the label and thought, "There's no way this can be any good." With its stars and stripes and tiny pictures of military vehicles in the corners, it looks almost cartoonish, like if someone said, "Design a beer G.I. Joe would drink." So going in, I strongly suspected it was going to suck.

But you know what?

I was absolutely right. This is terrible, terrible stuff. I don't care if saying so makes me unpatriotic. I don't care if al Qaeda sees this and thinks they can maybe recruit me. I hate this beer. I wish I were more of a beer connoisseur so I could better articulate why, but I'm not, so I'll just call it shit and leave it at that.

Taste: F
Label: D
Appearance: C
Overall: F

Leffe Blonde: Supposedly, Belgians know beer. You wouldn't know it from this. It has a weird fruity, spicy flavor which would be bad enough as just an aftertaste, but it's actually pretty overpowering. I mean, it's not offensively bad or anything, but unless you really, really, really need a beer--in which case, you're likely an alcoholic, and wouldn't give a crap about flavor anyway-- there's no reason to drink this.

Taste: D+
Label: B-
Appearance: B
Overall: D+

Winner (by default, really): Belgium!

Panel of the Week

From Blackest Night #2:

Nine things I learned from The Nine Lives of Marion Barry

The Nine Lives of Marion Barry premiered on HBO last night. It's a great documentary, and well worth checking out. Not only because it tells you a lot of stuff about both Barry and D.C. that you probably didn't know, but because it paints an intriguing portrait of a man who you alternately find yourself cheering for (it's easy to forget what an incredible civil rights leader he was in the 60s and 70s) and despising (the video of him lecturing elementary school students about staying away from drugs back when he was buried up to his nostrils in coke, is particularly nauseating).

In particular, here's what I took away from it:

1) Marion Barry circa the mid-1970s was--and mind you, I say this with my heterosexuality fully intact--one great looking guy.

Hell, it's no wonder he's still a ladies man at 73. He never lost the confidence he had at 37.

2) Maybe the people of Ward 8 aren't so bad, after all. Have I made lots of Ward 8 cracks in the past? Yes. Can I now sort of see why they might turn to Barry in their desperation for political leadership? Yes. Do I feel kind of bad about all those cracks I've made about Ward 8? Sort of. Will I stop making cracks about Ward 8? Probably not.

3) "Dude" used to be an acceptable word for professional journalists to use.

4) According to Effi Barry, women sent photos of themselves, naked in their bathtubs, to her husband. Think about that for a moment. I'll buy that one woman might send Barry a photo of herself naked in a bathtub. But women? Plural? Either Effi was exaggerating, or else women in D.C. back in the day were kind of freaky. I get sending a naked photo of yourself to Barry. Because, come on, who wouldn't want to do that? But why the bathtub? (And who took the photo?)

5) Politicians are great liars. I know, this is hardly a groundbreaking revelation, but watching the footage of Barry repeatedly denying accusations that he was using drugs, I found myself believing him. And I know for a fact he did! Sociopaths have nothing on Marion Barry.

6) When it comes to ducking press questions, D.C.'s current mayor is a rank amateur compared to its former one. Watch Fenty embarrass himself in this video. Then compare that to Barry floating like a butterfly in this exchange between him and a reporter about one of his alleged mistresses from the early 80s:

Reporter: Karen Johnson?

Barry: You know, Washington is such a great place, and I enjoy being mayor so much.

Reporter: Mr. Mayor, I know Washington is a beautiful place--

Barry: And we're working hard at it.

Reporter: But is the U.S. Attorney out to get you?

Barry: And the citizens here are fortunate enough to have progressive leadership and faith in their mayor.

Reporter: Mr. Mayor, are you worried about reports of hush money?

Barry: Yeah, really great to be the mayor of this city.

That's awesome. I mean, yeah, sort of offensive, if you believe in things like integrity among public officials and transparent government. But also kind of awesome.

7) Barry should start one of those classes where he teaches guys how to score with women. Here are a few quotes from the hidden camera tape from that fateful night in the motel room with Rasheeda Moore in 1990:

"You look like new money."

"You been good? Of course not."

"What? I can't touch your breast?"

"Can we make love before you leave town? It would be a good idea just for old times' sake."

"Goddamn, I got fucked up up here. With this goddamn bitch set me up like this."

Okay, maybe not that last one. But everything else he said is so smooth, it makes silk look gravely. I wonder if I could get Barry to come out with me one night and be my wingman. No, wait, bad idea. Think about how humiliating it would be if Barry went home with a girl, and I didn't. And that's exactly what would happen, too.

8) I really want one of these T-shirts. Please, someone put one on eBay.

9) Next time I see Barry in person, I'm going to have a weird urge to give him a hug. Because he looks like needs it. Then I'm going to ask him to sign my copy of the Washington City Paper. Which I really think he'll do, since I just gave him a hug.

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

My immediate reaction after seeing the film, sent via Twitter: "I hate you, Hollywood. I hate you so much. How do you fuck up a movie about commandos and ninjas? HOW?!?"

My reaction after a bit of consideration: It's not...a terrible film. I mean, it is, by pretty much every objective definition, but if you're a fan of the toys/comics/cartoon, there are some really great moments that even the most jaded geek will love. Unfortunately, they're outnumbered by the really bad moments by a wide margin.

The thing that really pissed me off, though, is that if you look at films like Batman & Robin or Transformers, it's obvious that the filmmakers didn't get the characters. With G.I. Joe, there's enough to convince me that the filmmakers mostly did get the characters--they hired Larry Hama as a consultant, for Christ's sake--but they were willing to disregard anything they found inconvenient, and they did this often. Somehow, that's even worse.

Spoilers follow...

The Good

-- Storm Shadow. I can't say he single-handedly saves the film, but he comes damn close. Not being an aficionado of Korean cinema, I'd never heard of Byung-hun Lee before, but the dude is far and away the best actor in the film. One might claim that's not saying a whole lot, considering his co-stars are Channing Tatum and Marlon Waynes, but he also manages to outperform guys like Dennis Quaid, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, and Christopher Eccleston. "He never gives up," is the best-delivered line of the whole film.

-- The action. Say what you will about the overall quality of his films, but Stephen Sommers is a pretty good action director. The Snake Eyes/Storm Shadow fights are great, and the car chase through Paris is a lot of fun, ruined only by the presence of those goddamn accelerator suits, which I'll get to in a bit. The very least you want from a G.I. Joe movie is lots of kicking and lots of explosions, and you can't claim you don't get plenty of both.

-- The violence. I was pleasantly surprised. No cartoon-like gunfire that never hits its mark or stun grenades, here. People get shot to death. People get throwing star-ed to death. People get the Eiffel Tower falling on them-ed to death. Cover Girl gets skewered through the heart! (Which I was fine with. Cover Girl was always one of my least favorite Joes as a kid, so if they had to pick a token one to kill off in the film, it might as well have been her. Basically, her defining personality trait was being hot, hence the code name. Which is even dumber than it sounds, because all the female Joes were hot. This might be why she was barely featured in the comics or cartoon.) On the Sports Junkies last week, Marlon Waynes claimed this was a family-friendly film. Luckily for us, Marlon Waynes is kind of a liar.

-- Some of the casting. Byung-hun Lee, I mentioned. Christopher Eccleston is great, even while delivering some truly bad dialogue. Sienna Miller is surprisingly awesome if you ignore the last twenty minutes of the film. Arnold Vosloo plays the exact same character he does in every non-Mummy movie he's in, but he seemed to be enjoying himself.

The Bad

-- Most of the casting. I actually like Channing Tatum, but he couldn't be a more bland action hero if he tried. Dennis Quaid is clearly only in this film for an easy paycheck, and it shows. Rachel Nichols isn't terrible, but her best scene is the one where she's on the treadmill, if you get my drift.

-- The pointless Brendan Fraser cameo. Supposedly, he asked to do it because he's a G.I. Joe geek and a pal of Stephen Sommers. Fair enough, but he couldn't have been given a bit more to do?

-- Multi-nationalism. The film changes G.I. Joe from an American unit to an international one. I initially didn't have a problem with that, but I gradually came around as it became obvious the change was made, not for story reasons, but simply for the sake of political correctness and overseas film markets. As a result, Breaker is French, Heavy Duty is British, Snake Eyes is Japanese, and I'm sure if they could have, they would have crammed in a few more nationalities. (Also, the Pit should be underneath the motor pool on a U.S. Army base, not in fucking Egypt.)

Like everything posted at The National Review, it's tempting to laugh this off--and indeed, the Internet is--but honestly? I think John J. Miller has a point. When did "Real American Hero" become a liability?

-- Snake Eyes. For the most part, the film does a good job. The moment we first see him, jumping out of the helicopter with his sword drawn, is beyond awesome. However, the big molded lips on the mask were distracting, and they really did a number on his origin. The vow of silence bit was especially bad. Apparently, the studio really wanted Snake Eyes to speak at the end, ala Silent Bob in Clerks, but luckily, Hama was there to talk them out of this.

It's weird that two characters who originally weren't disfigured--Destro and Cobra Commander--become so in the film, and the guy who actually was disfigured--Snake Eyes--just feels like wearing a mask for some reason. If there's one G.I. Joe character that should have been left the fuck alone, it was Snake Eyes. Good one, Hollywood.

The Ugly

-- The accelerator suits. The only good thing that can be said about them is that they're not in the film very much. But when they are, they're horrible. Worse, they're completely unnecessary. Aside from a couple of easy gags involving Marlon Waynes falling down, what purpose did they serve in the plot, that couldn't have been accomplished by just putting Duke and Ripcord on motorcycles or something? They cheapened what would have been an otherwise great car chase.

-- The Baroness. The film's...er...unexpected take on the character actually didn't bother me that much (even the stuff with Duke) until the end, when she breaks free of her programming. She's supposed to be an evil terrorist! There shouldn't be any programing to break free of.

-- Cobra Commander. I honestly don't know what to say about this. I mean, it's not like Cobra Commander has historically been portrayed as a great villain. In fact, one of the things I dug about G.I. Joe as a kid was that the guy who was ostensibly the main bad guy was really kind of a loser who was lucky enough to be surrounded by competent professionals, albeit ones who, for the most part, hated his guts. But this was just ridiculous. The costume. The motivation. The voice. None of it made any sense whatsoever.

-- Joseph Gordon-Levitt. This is maybe the most bizarre bit of casting in any movie ever. Aside from being a far from obvious choice for the role, Gordon-Levitt is one of the best younger actors working today. His involvement with this film is only marginally less surprising to me than if they'd convinced Al Pacino to play Cobra Commander. And the really tragic part? He's terrible. Godawful. Complete train wreck. We're talking, go-ahead-and-engrave-his-name-on-the-Razzie-Award-now bad.

Worse, the way movie contracts are structured these days, he'll almost certainly have to come back for at least two more sequels, which means that's two less films like Brick, The Lookout, or (500) Days of Summer that he's not starring in. I don't know if he thought a summer blockbuster would be good for his career, or if he was a G.I. Joe fan and thought this would be fun, or if he just lost a bet. But the lesson is, always read the script first.

To Sum Up:

The truly annoying thing about this film is that with just a bit more effort--effort that wouldn't have fundamentally changed anything important about the story the filmmakers wanted to tell--G.I. Joe could have been so much better. Instead, they chose to be lazy, taking the path of least resistance at pretty much every possible turn. And while it can be said that they managed to produce a fun summer popcorn flick, there's nothing that says you can't produce a smart fun summer popcorn flick, and they clearly didn't even give that a shot.

Who knows whether a sequel is going to happen, but if it does, I strongly suspect that rather than learn from the mistakes in this film, the studio will credit the stupid elements as what worked, and the stuff that was put in for the sake of fan-service as unnecessary.

In other words, yes, Snake Eyes will speak in the next one.

Weekend Beer-Off! U.S.A. vs. Japan

Beers

Brand/Brewery

Troegenator Double Bock--Tröegs Brewing Co.
Sapporo--Sapporo Brewing Co.

Troegenator Double Bock: One of the strongest-tasting beers I've had recently, it took me a good three or four sips before I could decide whether I liked it or not. In the end, I decided I did, even though there's a distinct caramel-ish aftertaste that's neither particularly pleasant nor unpleasant. It's just there. The label, while creative, loses points because it frightens me. I don't want to have a troll--or any other sort of horned creature--staring at me as I drink my beer.

Taste: B
Label: C
Appearance: C+
Overall: B

Sapporo: If I had to pick one word to describe Sapporo, it would be "unchallenging." It has a pleasant enough taste, and I'll certainly have more of them in the future, but the flavor isn't especially strong, and when it's gone, there's a bit of a "That was it?" feeling. I don't know if there's such a thing as a good beer to have while working or studying, but if there is, this would be it, as you're guaranteed not to be distracted by the taste.

Taste: C+
Label: B-
Appearance: C+
Overall: C+

Winner: U.S.A.!

Panel of the Week

From The Boys #33:

The 10 Worst G.I. Joe Characters

(Also see the 10 Best G.I. Joe Characters.)

By 1987, after five years of mostly great toys, you could tell the G.I. Joe line was starting to run out of steam. It was about this time I started to lose interest in the toys. Yes, mainly because I was getting older--I like to think that even if Hasbro had kept pumping out kick-ass G.I. Joes for another year or so, I still would have moved on, but you never know--but Hasbro really made it an easy choice. In fact, looking at the figures released in 1988, I think I bought maybe two of that entire collection. Two figures used to be a single trip to the toy store for me. And after that, nothing. That second Storm Shadow figure I mentioned yesterday was probably the last G.I. Joe I ever bought.

So because 1988 seems to be the year when everything really went to crap, and I'm not really familiar with most of those characters or subsequent ones, my list will be limited to characters released between 1982-1987.

10) Quick Kick

Little more than a Bruce Lee rip-off, life must have really sucked for Quick Kick. I mean, think about it. You're a bad-ass martial artist. You arrive at G.I. Joe HQ on your first day, thinking you're going to be The Man. Then you meet this guy Snake Eyes, who's not only a much, much better fighter than you, but he has the kind of awesome code name you probably wanted, leaving you stuck with "Quick Kick." Annoyed, you overcompensate by never wearing a shirt so people can't help but notice that you work out, and eventually get killed in the comic book along with a bunch of other loser characters.

9) Major Bludd

I watched hours of the G.I. Joe cartoon. I read close to a hundred issues of the comic book. And yet, I can't think of a single goddamn significant thing Major Bludd ever did. Not one. He had an Australian accent and that eye-patch and that retarded helmet, and that's about it. Plus, I get that Bludd is his last name, but if you're going to become an evil mercenary, just go ahead and change the spelling to "Blood." Major Blood is kind of a cool name. Major Bludd just makes people laugh.

8) Sneak Peek

As the toy line progressed, the Joes got more and more specialized in terms of their abilities. Increasingly, they weren't simply commandos or Marines, who could be sent into pretty much any situation. Instead, you had characters like Mainframe, a computer expert. Or Dusty, who was good at desert combat. And then sometimes, they'd get really specialized. Like Sneak Peek. Sneak Peek's main contribution (if you can call it that) was carrying around this really big spotlight. Or maybe it was a periscope. Either way, that was pretty much it. Also, if you look at him, he was kind of pudgy. So you know between his fitness level and lame specialty, the other Joes hated him and made fun of him behind his back.

7) Tele-Viper

Hey, what kid wouldn't want a "Cobra communications specialist"? He didn't even come with a gun! He came with a radio jamming device. I don't know if this was greed on Hasbro's part, thinking that kids would buy anything with the G.I. Joe logo on it, or just their mistakenly thinking there were AV nerds out there who'd go crazy for a toy they could relate to, but it's a terrible character. Why not just release action figures of the Cobra janitorial staff?

6) The Fridge

I was too young to really appreciate the pop culture impact of the Chicago Bears 1985 Super Bowl victory. But I got my first taste of it when Hasbro announced a mail-in offer for a William "The Refrigerator" Perry action figure in 1986. All things being equal, I wish I hadn't. The whole thing was just too absurd. Supposedly, he was the "physical trainer" for the G.I. Joe team. Really? There's no one in the military they could have tapped? They had to go to the NFL to find someone? And Ditka was okay with him taking the time off? No way.

5) Maverick

Maverick fails on two levels. First, he was part of "Battleforce 2000," a group of action figures and vehicles that arrived with great fanfare, but mostly just sat around unused in the comic until they were all unceremoniously killed off. Second, he was obviously "inspired by" (and that's being generous) Tom Cruise's character in Top Gun. I mean, you don't expect a ton of originality when it comes to children's toys, but you don't really expect such blatant unoriginality, either.

4) Sci Fi

Looking back, I'm pretty sure this is when I knew the G.I. Joe line was in trouble. There was absolutely nothing about Sci Fi that didn't scream, "We're running out of ideas!" There was the generic code name. There was the incredibly weak gimmick: A laser rifle just didn't seem all that special, considering that everyone on the cartoon had laser rifles. (Although they never, ever managed to shoot anyone with them.) And then there was the costume, which seemed like it was designed by a disinterested eight year-old who was given only a green crayon and told to go nuts.

3) Crystal Ball

The picture kind of speaks for itself, doesn't it? Yes, basing an action figure on Vincent Price was kind of cool, but you have to figure they could have come up with a better one. On his file card, he's identified as the "Cobra Hypnotist." And I'm not saying that Cobra didn't probably need a hypnotist, just that we didn't really need to know about him.

2) Raptor

I tend to cut both Joes and Cobras a fair amount of slack when it comes to their wardrobe choices. After all, they are based on action figures. Still, Raptor takes it to a stupid extreme. Worse, he's indicative of the paper-thin characterization that became the norm as the toy line limped along, where a character would be created based on even the barest of ideas. One could easily picture desperate Hasbro execs sitting around going, "A guy who controls birds? And dresses up as one? Genius!"

1) Globulus

The "everything you thought you knew is wrong!" gimmick has long been a staple of serialized fiction, from comic books to cartoons to shows like Lost. But here, it was a huge misstep. Introduced in the animated G.I. Joe: The Movie, it turns out Cobra wasn't simply a terrorist organization with the goal of taking over the world for financial gain. It was actually an ancient civilization of mutants led by Globulus who had sent Cobra Commander out to destroy humanity so they could reclaim it. Then Globulus turned Cobra Commander into a snake. I don't know. But the film marked the end of the G.I. Joe cartoon, and it's hard to imagine it going out in a worse, more unsatisfying way.

The 10 Best G.I. Joe Characters

At this point, I have very little hope for G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra being any good. Don't get me wrong, I want it to be. I dearly want it to be. Because for a couple of years when I was a kid, my entire world pretty much revolved around G.I. Joe. The comics were great, the cartoon was great, and the toys were great.

By contrast, the trailer for the film has been a mixed bag. There's a lot of cool-looking scenes, but there's also "accelerator suits" and Cobra Commander's...well, whatever the hell this is. The rumors of Stephen Sommers being fired and replaced after some horrible test screenings, didn't help, either.

Having said that, early reviews are starting to come in from the usual geek quarters, and they seem surprisingly positive. The general consensus seems to be that if you loved the toys and cartoon as a kid, you'll love the movie. I loved the toys and cartoon as a kid, but I'm not sure that I accept that logic. A live-action movie needs to have a bit more.

But really, my expectations are at the point where if the film (with its $170 million dollar budget) is better than just this opening sequence of the 80s animated film (probably made by a bunch of animators in a Korean sweatshop for about $100, yet still undeniably awesome), I'll be happy:

Of course, the thing that made G.I. Joe so great in all of its various mediums was its amazing collection of characters. It would have been really easy for everyone involved to just put the absolute minimal effort possible into design and characterization, since, when you get right down to it, these characters were created to sell lunchboxes and pajamas, not tell compelling stories.

But to Hasbro's credit, they really went all out. Read some of Larry Hama's incredibly detailed file cards, and tell me this wasn't a labor of love for him. (Hama also wrote over a hundred issues of Marvel's G.I. Joe comic book, and again, the level of sophistication was far greater than you might expect from a comic based on a toy line).

That's not to say there weren't a few clunkers. Whether they were created by Hama or forced on him by Hasbro or Marvel, some characters were clearly just blatant attempts to separate kids from their allowance. But I'll deal with them tomorrow. For now, here's my list of the ten best:

10) Stalker

Back before "stalker" became a pejorative for creepy obsessed ex-boyfriends and creepy obsessed bloggers, it was just a really cool name for a really cool character. What made him cool? Well, he...you know...stalked stuff. Like terrorists. And probably animals. For food. When he was out in the field. Stalking terrorists. Look, I don't know. It's a bad-ass name, and green berets are awesome, okay?

9) Baroness

Ask any man who was a kid in the 80s and now has a thing for women in glasses, and this is probably where it comes from. But the Baroness's appeal goes beyond the glasses and tight leather outfit. It's also that she was a fucking evil bitch, and the only reason why she wasn't constantly doing fucking evil stuff is because it was a cartoon. If, say, Tom Clancy had come up with G.I. Joe and written it for an adult audience, I guarantee she'd be out doing some truly horrific stuff, probably involving torture and postcoital executions.

8) Chuckles

There are only three people in the world who can pull off being a cool, kick-ass action hero while wearing a loud Hawaiian shirt: Me, Magnum, P.I., and Chuckles. If Magnum and I were G.I. Joes, we'd probably be on this list, too. But since we're not, Chuckles has to represent.

7) Tomax & Xamot

Back in the 80s, every kid had a set of identical twins in his school, and probably suspected they were freaks. Tomax and Xamot confirmed our worst fears about just how freaky they really were. Aside from being psychotic bankers, they had a nifty gimmick where if you'd hit one, the other would feel the pain. I really wanted to test this to see if it was real on the pair of twins in my school. But unfortunately, they were girls, and I knew I'd get in trouble.

6) Zartan

As an action figure, Zartan was kind of a dud. His ability to camouflage himself by blending into his surroundings was simulated by this weird kind of plastic that would change color when exposed to sunlight. But he would only turn this dark green-ish color, which got a bit annoying. Hey, Hasbro? I was a kid. I had a fucking imagination. I didn't need him to really change color, you know. But the actual character, an assassin archer who had his own biker gang, was gold.

5) Destro

As a kid, I never understood why Destro didn't just kill Cobra Commander and take over the whole damn organization. He was smarter, he was cooler, and what terrorist wouldn't rather follow someone named Destro than "Cobra Commander"? But in both the comic and the cartoon, it soon became obvious that he had his own agenda (one which included shagging the Baroness), and he was more than happy to pursue it while letting Cobra Commander do all the heavy lifting. I have no doubt Destro was a role model for many of the 20/30-somethings currently working in D.C.

4) Shipwreck

On the surface, there's not much to explain why Shipwreck is on this list. His costume is...well, it's an actual military uniform. Sort of. The action figure comes with a parrot. But thanks to being featured in a couple of classic episodes and some outstanding voice acting, the character really came alive in the cartoon. Also, at the time, I remember thinking that I probably couldn't be Snake Eyes or Flint when I grew up, but a wise-ass sailor with a gun? Him, I could be.

3) Serpentor

The idea of combining the DNA of every great military strategist in history to create the perfect leader was great no matter what, but just to be clear, I'm referring strictly to the comic book version of the character. The cartoon version annoyed the shit out of me, what with his propensity to constantly end every other sentence by screeching, "This...I command!" Plus, even though I wasn't a big Cobra Commander fan, I could far more easily relate to him (neurotic, a little insecure, in way over his head) than I could Serpentor, and didn't appreciate the way he was shoved aside. In the comic, Serpentor was still the same usurper, but more likable, a far more formidable enemy, and generally just a lot more interesting. All of which is why, three years ago, I nominated him for president.

2) Snake Eyes

If God Himself decided to create a character that would appeal to boys, aged 8-12, He couldn't do any better than this. Ninja? Check. Cool name? Check. Cool costume? Check. Compelling origin (what little of it was revealed)? Check. Great accessories (gun, sword, and for some reason, a wolf)? Check. One of the happiest days of my childhood is when I went to Toys R Us, looking for a Snake Eyes figure, which (in a precursor to later marketing of action figures) was sold out everywhere. Luckily, the Best Employee Ever happened to be working there that day, and spent a long time in the stockroom looking for one for me. She found it. I went home orgasmically happy. Twenty years later, I sold it on eBay for $10.

What? I was supposed to keep it forever? It's not like I'm still a boy, aged 8-12. Well, not physically, anyway.

1) Storm Shadow

Man, did I love me some Storm Shadow when I was a kid. You might be wondering why he gets the nod over Snake Eyes. Two reasons: 1) Better name, and 2) A more interesting story-arc. In the beginning, he's simply Snake Eyes's opposite number in Cobra. But as the comic progressed, you learned more about him and his motivations, and eventually, he became much more of an anti-hero than a bad guy. He also got a new costume even better than his first one.

Remember when I said there were a lot of great characters in the G.I. Joe line? Well, there were even more really bad ones, especially in its later years. There are so many, it'll actually be hard trying to winnow it down to ten, but come back tomorrow for the ten worst G.I. Joe characters!