Panel of the Week

From The Unwritten #1:

Google and the Freaks Who Use It

It's been forever since I did this last, but here are some of the searches that have brought people (many of them apparently highly disturbed) here.

"blogger dan" - I don't know who this is, but if I wasn't sort of stuck with Scotus at this point, I would totally change my name to Blogger Dan. My real name isn't even Dan. I just like it.

"homeless people are bad" - Like, bad for society? Bad in the sense that they're evil and plotting against us? I need context.

"what is the actor devan sawa's income?" - To the best of my knowledge, Devan Sawa hasn't ever done anything to me personally, but he's one of those former kid actors I can't stand. I think maybe it's because Hollywood desperately tried to force him on us, no matter much we didn't want him, resulting in some really bad films. Regardless, looking at his IMDB entry, I doubt his income is all that impressive.

"local porn in d.c." - Can't help you here, but I know of a wonderful place in Springfield.

"best porn sites in the universe" - Not just on Earth, but the entire universe? I love the idea of intergalactic porn sites. God only knows what other species might consider erotic. (Hey, get your tentacles out of those holes! That's not right.)

"jennifer schwalbach plastic surgery" - For some reason, a lot of people are curious as to whether Kevin Smith's wife had plastic surgery. I don't know why she'd bother. I mean...it's Kevin Smith, not Brad Pitt. He's not going anywhere.

"allison starling, porn" - You know, it seems like people in D.C. used to talk about/lust after Allison Starling all the time, and now they're not for some reason. But I don't think she's done porn. Nor do I think she's a collector of porn. So this search fails on both levels.

"lindsay czarniak, bikini" - I get at least three people a day looking for pictures of Lindsay Czarniak in a bikini. Which might seem like a lot, but I used to get creepier searches involving Lindsay Czarniak, and more of them. Anyway, I have no idea why anyone would think such photos are floating around, but if anyone has them, send them along and I'll post them. Frankly, the traffic they'd generate would probably enable me to quit my job and do this for a living.

"what happens to kal penn?" - I'm sure this person probably meant "what happens to kal penn on House," but it really would be nice if Google was able to provide information about the future. But since it can't (yet), I'll step in: Kal Penn moves to D.C., decides he hates it here, and leaves within six months. There you go.

Feed me!

See, I'd be happy even if it didn't have flavor.

I have a problem. I can't cook. And when I say, "I can't cook," I mean it in the same sense as, "I can't shoot laser beams out of my hands," in that I've never really tried it, but I'm fairly confident it wouldn't work.

(Okay, that's not true. I do try to shoot laser beams out of my hands. I have since I was 8 and read my first Firestorm comic, and periodically since then, and I swear to God, I've come so close a few times it isn't even funny. I'll point my hands at something and I can actually feel heat building up after a few seconds and...well, I've probably said too much. But when I finally pull it off? It'll be so cool.)

Last night, I tried making ramen. Now, I'm not a poor college student, nor am I unemployed and trying to pinch pennies. I just had a hankerin' for some ramen. (Which, at 17¢ a package, would be the perfect recession food, if it wasn't so damn unhealthy.) So I ran over to the nearby 7-11, picked some up, and...failed.

I failed at making ramen. That's only marginally worse than failing at chewing gum.

The water seemed hot enough. But when I poured it over the noodles, they didn't get all soft the way they were supposed to. I mean, after a few minutes, they got softer. But they were still kind of crunchy. I let them soak for a while longer, but all that did was turn the semi-crunchy noodles into cold semi-crunchy noodles. I probably could have fixed this by adding hotter water, but frankly, I was tired of the whole process by that point. So I ate the half of the ramen that wasn't crunchy, and went downstairs to get a cinnamon roll out of the vending machine in my building.

It was not, needless to say, the proudest evening of my adult life. And so now, I basically have four options.

1) Learn how to cook. (This is the option I'm least crazy about.)

2) Convince my parents to let me move back home. Cooking seemed so much simpler when my mom did it. I swear, it was like I didn't have to lift a finger, and food just appeared on the table. Alternatively, I could try and convince them to send me $5,000 a month for a private chef.

3) Ask Corporate America to come to the rescue. Specifically, someone needs to make a real life version of Bachelor Chow, that product that appeared in the opening credits of Futurama. Here's what I envision it as: Big clumps of either meat or a meat-like substance that requires no preparation whatsoever and can be eaten straight from the bag. (Or can. I'm not too proud to eat food from a can.) I'd want it to be healthy, too. Maybe mix in some vitamins or fiber or pieces of carrot along with the meat. So basically, I'm looking for a big bag of reasonably priced, low-fat meat, that I can just open up, stick my hand into, and enjoy. Taste would be nice, but not a priority.

4) Get married to someone who knows how to cook. I won't just limit it to women, either. If you're a dude and you know how to make a good chicken Parmesan, I want to talk to you. But for the record, ladies, aside from the geek stuff and delusions involving laser beams, I'm quite a catch. In addition to having been described as "average looking," I enjoy flea markets, romantic comedies, and writing poetry by candlelight. Okay, I made that last one up. But the others are true. So if you're not looking for a husband, I'd apparently at least make a decent girlfriend for you to hang out with. Which I'm totally willing to do, so long as there's some exchange of food involved.

Honestly, though, I suspect this is going to end with my biting the bullet and learning how to cook. And like most of the interests I've had over the years, I'll get really into it for a brief while, and then I'll completely lose interest, and go back to ramen and microwavable stuff. But before that happens, I'll probably attempt to do something bold, like create the world's best pizza or burger or something. I mean...how hard could that be? Has anyone actually tried before?

Kids, keep your hands off my balls

It's a little hard to tell from the photo, but the guy in the blue shirt is giving a foul ball he caught in Sunday's Nationals/Orioles game to the cute little kid sitting behind him, much to the delight of everyone around. It was an adorable moment, and if you're saying, "Awwwww," I'm not going to lie, I was right there with you on Sunday.

Here's the thing, though. I know that it's a tradition for people to give baseballs to kids at games. During warm-ups, players will toss them into the stands. When the ball girl recovers a foul ball, she'll select a kid sitting close by to hand it to. And of course, as in the photo, people in the stands will sometimes give a ball they catch to a kid sitting nearby.

But in regards to that last one, I don't get it. Why do so many people just hand them over?

Just in the baseball games I've watched recently (and I really don't watch a lot of baseball, so I have to think it's even more widespread) it happened this past weekend, it happened twice when I was at the Nats/Phillies game, and there was a home run that was hit a couple of weeks ago by...I want to say A-Rod, but I can't be positive...that was caught by a police officer, who then promptly handed it to a nearby kid. And I don't mean the police officer "caught" the ball in the sense that it came into the stands, rolled under a few seats, and the police officer was the one who came up with it. I mean he caught it.

A home run ball. Hit by A-Rod (I'm pretty sure). Caught. And given away.

Like I said, I don't get it. I mean, if you've paid to attend a baseball game, you're clearly a fan. So why wouldn't you want the ultimate fan souvenir? And while possessing a game ball won't exactly make you a member of a super exclusive club, it's still something the vast majority of fans will never get.

Remember a few years ago when some jackass all but trampled a kid in order to retrieve a ball that had come into the stands at a Rangers game? It became a really big story as the clip was played over and over, and America collectively decided that the guy was a piece of shit, and that the kid deserved to be showered with gifts. I wonder if maybe that helped result in a culture where it's somehow considered selfish to keep a ball if there's a kid in the general vicinity who might want it.

For the record, though? If I ever catch a ball? I'm keeping it. I'm keeping it. I'm not saying I'm going to scramble around for it like an animal or shove little kids out of my way or anything. I'd be perfectly okay not getting it. I'm just saying that if I happen to be in the right place at the right time and catch it, or the scrum fighting over it happens to send it rolling towards my feet, I'm keeping it. I don't care how cute your kid is. I'm keeping it. And I'm going to buy a nice little display stand for it, and should the opportunity ever present itself, get it signed by the player who hit it. I'm. Keeping. It.

Before anyone condemns this, though, consider this: Why would a kid even want a ball he didn't catch? Sure, he'd be all excited at first, but once he gets home, you know that thing is going to be tossed wherever and forgotten about. It would just be a totally meaningless trinket. There'd be no story behind it, and thus, it would have no more sentimental value than any random ball you can buy at Modell's for $5.

"I caught this ball at a baseball game I went to when I was a kid." That's a story.

"My dad caught this ball, and gave it to me." That's a story.

"Some dude sitting a couple of rows ahead of us caught it and gave it to me. I don't even remember it happening, because I was fucking five." That's not a story.

So if you should happen to catch a baseball, do yourself--and the rest of us who want to keep our balls, guilt-free--a favor, and hang onto it.

I mean, if you really, honest-to-God don't give a shit about the ball, go ahead and do whatever you want with it. I'm not sure what you were even doing at the ballpark if that's the case, but whatever. It's your ball. But if you suspect that ball might hold even a sliver of sentimental value, or even just look cool sitting up on your mantle, don't let peer pressure from those sitting nearby convince you that you're obligated to give it away. It's yours. You earned it.

And if some kid tries to convince you otherwise by giving you the puppy dog eyes, I say go ahead and wave the ball in his face and taunt him with it a little. Because it's never too early to teach a child that it's a tough world out there and no one gives you anything for free.

Panel of the Week

From Superman/Batman #20:

The Worst Kid in the World

When I went to the Nationals game last Sunday, three things got my nerves. Aside from the team losing, I mean. I'm so used to that by now, it doesn't even phase me. They'd have to lose by something like 100-0 before I felt anything aside from the all-encompassing numbness that comes with being a Nats fan.

First, the place was filthy with Phillies fans. Stan Kasten's stated goal of turning Nationals Park into a neutral site has succeeded beyond his wildest dreams. Words can't express how wonderful it is to be taunted as you're leaving your own ballpark after a loss. If I'd been wearing my Nationals cap, I would have undoubtedly felt an urge to take it off and hide it, lest I get jumped on the way to the Metro. There were a couple of guys sitting a few rows behind me who were mostly quiet when the Nats were leading, but after the Phillies took the lead, it was "Fuck the Nats!" this, and "Stupid faggots!" that, for the last two innings. I guess that "City of Brotherly Love" stuff ends at the city limits. (I'm kidding. It doesn't exist inside the city limits, either. Fucking monsters, the lot of them.)

Second, it's one thing to ask fans to stand for the National Anthem before the game starts. It's another thing to ask them to stand for "God Bless America" in the middle of the seventh inning. I realize the Nationals are desperate for ways to get fans on their feet and show a little energy, but this is stupid. Especially since it was immediately followed by the seventh inning stretch. Were team officials afraid fans were so apathetic, they wouldn't stretch without being prompted?

But here's the thing that annoyed me the most. Inside the latest issue of Nationals Inside Pitch, the team magazine that's given away for free inside the ballpark, there's a story about the PlayStation Pavilion inside the park. For those who haven't been to Nationals Park (which would seem to be most of you), there are a couple dozen PS3s set up there, where people can play wholesome, non-violent games like Guitar Hero, MLB '09, or Gran Turismo on some really nice high-def monitors. I don't know why it's there. It just is.

The article mainly focuses on one 14 year-old boy, who I consider to officially be the Worst Kid in the World.

On the surface, WKitW (while I'm a big enough dick to go after a 14 year-old on my blog, I'm not such a dick to want his name to come up on Google searches for years to come, so I'll just refer to him as WKitW), seems to really be into baseball.

He talks like a diehard fan: "If you dare touch my Yankees sweatshirt, I will cut off your hand. If you are a Red Sox fan, I will cut your whole arm off."

He waxes sentimental about how great it is to have the Nationals here: "I didn't have a stadium to go to growing up, so just being able to come to a ballpark is nice."

His father has a partial season ticket plan. And what could possibly be more American than a father and son bonding over baseball?

Except that whatever bonding takes place only exists on the way over to the ballpark:

There are three reasons why [WKitW] loves Nationals Park and they all start with "PlayStation" and end with "Three." The only time he spends with his dad is during the walk down Half Street. They separate shortly after entering through the Center Field Gate. [WKitW] veers left to the Nats Family Fun Area while his dad strolls up to Section 409.

Okay, look. I'm not going to claim to be the world's biggest baseball fan. Frankly, most days, I'd probably rather be playing video games than watching a baseball game, too. But for Christ's sake, if your dad sprung for season tickets, the least you could do is sit with him for most of the game. If I ever have a kid, and find myself in a situation where I'm essentially paying $20 a pop for him to play video games, I'm going to lose it. I'm going to absolutely fucking lose it.

If I were WKitW's dad, I'd sign up to be a Big Brother, and then take a kid to the park who would actually appreciate it, while my ungrateful son stayed home.

...the PlayStation Pavilion closed after the conclusion of the seventh inning. [WKitW] unenthusiastically walked to the exit and watch the end of the game from a seat in the park. Correction: he wasn't there the entire time. He left his Pavilion post to buy a Curly "W" pretzel, ice cream and a burger at Five Guys.

First, that "seat in the park" damn well better be the one next to his dad, although the phrasing in the article would seem to suggest otherwise. Second, on top of the price of the ticket, WKitW also requires another $20 worth of food? Screw that.

I would seriously love to know where these wishy-washy parents were when I was a kid. As relatively strict as my parents were, I got away with a decent amount. If I had the benefit of being raised by these totally hands-off, "I'm okay, you're okay, do whatever you want"-types, I probably would have gotten away with murder. I don't mean figuratively, either.

24: 7:00 a.m.-8:00 a.m

Thoughts:

-- Uh...was Jack really about to set himself on fire to avoid being recaptured? This was not one of his better plans. I'm glad Tony was there to stop him.

-- Okay, see? This is what I'm talking about. There's no way Ethan had time to copy the tape. So why the hell does he smugly put the player on Olivia's desk and smugly walk away? And why doesn't Olivia rip it out and destroy it?

-- Wait. I thought Graem Bauer was the guy behind Charles Logan. And I thought Phillip Bauer was the guy behind Graem. So now Alan Wilson is the guy behind all of it? This is getting too convoluted. Besides, I was hoping this season would be a clean break from the last one.

-- Damn, Tony. That was fucking cold.

-- Wait again. If Michelle was pregnant when she was killed, there was no way she was far enough along where they could have determined the sex of the baby. And really, it's such a stupid retcon. I think we all would have believed Tony was pissed about Michelle being killed without also tossing in the melodramatic bit about her being pregnant, too.

-- For the record, the girl in the new HP Netbook/Verizon Broadband commercial (the one on the pier) is my idea of the perfect woman. So if you look like her (hair color is negotiable, but the glasses are a deal breaker), I'm taking applications.

-- Speaking of women, I'm back to finding Renee's freckles adorable.

-- I like seeing Jack passing his wisdom down to Renee. If Kiefer ends up going to jail for assaulting that fashion designer, I wonder if she could take over the show.

-- I hate that Fidelity commercial. Hey, dude? Fuck your investment advisor and her stupid green line. If you want to buy one of those expensive roadsters, you fucking go ahead and do it. It's your money.

-- It seems like we're spending an awful lot of time with the Taylors. Isn't there something better they could be focusing on in the last twenty minutes of the season? Like, why isn't someone torturing Alan? Or finding a cure for Jack? (I get the feeling we're going to be in for a major deus ex machina in regards to that second one.)

-- After briefly checking in with Jack and his new Muslim friend, still more stuff with the Taylors. I swear to God, this is the worst West Wing episode ever.

-- Ugh. Not as bad of an ending as last season, but still pretty bad. Interestingly, if Kiefer does go away for a really long time, the producers unwittingly gave themselves a huge out. "Agent Walker? It's the president. Jack Bauer's dead. His stupid daughter, too. I guess you're in charge now."

Jack's confirmed kills: 0 (28 for the season)

Jack's Words of Wisdom: "I can't tell you what to do. I've been wrestling with this one my whole life. I see fifteen people held hostage on a bus, and everything else goes out the window. I will do whatever it takes to save them. And I mean, whatever it takes. I guess maybe I thought if I save them, I'd save myself."

Overall grade: B+

24: 6:00 a.m.-7:00 a.m

Thoughts:

-- If you're an undercover terrorist and Kim Bauer of all people starts to get suspicious around you, you're really not good at your job.

-- It's weird: a couple of years ago, when Jack shot Peter Weller's wife in the leg, I laughed. But for some reason, I feel bad for the FBI agent Jack shot in the leg.

-- Don't snitch, Aaron! I guess he's doing the right thing, but I'm telling you, he totally could have tapped a little First Daughter tail.

-- You can bring a gun and a knife through security now? I mean, I knew the TSA had lightened up a bit the past couple of years, but I didn't know they'd chilled out that much. Also, I'm fairly confident that none of the security personnel I've seen at Reagan-National would be anywhere near that competent in a firefight.

-- NO! Not Dr. Beckett! Although he seems to have left his accent on Atlantis.

-- I love how Renee shows up long after the terrorist fled, and starts harassing the gunshot victim lying on the floor, receiving medical treatment, asking him if he knows where the terrorist went.

-- God, Kim's retarded. Like she doesn't get captured enough without running after terrorists?

-- Fucking finally. After the longest drought of non-killing in the show's history, Jack gets his mojo back via scalpel. Now, before the season started, I said I wanted Jack to kill a hundred people this year. That means he has to kill 72 more in the last episode. You know what? I think he can do it. If he wants it bad enough.

Jack's confirmed kills: 3 (28 for the season)

Jack's Words of Wisdom: "Driver, I want you to handcuff yourself to the steering wheel, over and under. Do it now!"

Overall grade: B+

Let's go to the mall

As hard as it might be to believe, there was a time when Springfield Mall was a vibrant, happening place, full of happy middle-class and upper middle-class consumers with money to burn.

It was twice as good as any other mall in the area. By that, I mean it had two movie theaters. It had two arcades. It had two food courts. It had two toy stores. It had a Ruby Tuesday and a Bennigan's. At one point, it had four bookstores. Hell, for a while, it even had a comic book store. I practically grew up in that mall.

Now it looks like this:

The mall is in the process of shutting down in order to turn the above photo into this. Which aside from looking a hell of a lot nicer, will also hopefully mean that there's no longer a significant danger of getting carjacked in the parking garage.

But then I realized that it probably won't just be Springfield Mall that gets torn down and rebuilt. It'll likely be all the surrounding property, as well. Specifically, it'll be this place:

It doesn't look like much, but this was one of my favorite places in the world when I was a kid. While my parents were shopping at the mall, I'd walk over to the news stand, and just browse through comic books and back issues of Starlog and Fangoria until they came to get me. The place had a great selection, and the best thing was that the proprietors (who were not from this country) either didn't know or didn't care that old comics and magazines go up in value, so you could find some real gems for cover price or less. It was awesome.

The store also had a back room full of porn.

I've never seen the inside of the porn room. There was a curtain separating it from the front part of the store, and I was obviously too young to go in there. I'd get a dirty look from the clerk if I even got within five feet of the curtain. Evidently, he didn't believe I'd taken a legitimate interest in the bridal magazines that were located right by the porn room entrance.

But every single time I was there, some guy would inevitably walk into the store (occasionally giving me an alarmed look, as if thinking, "Oh, fuck. What the hell is that kid doing here? Is it even legal for me to look at porn when he's nearby? Shit!"), and then quickly make his way behind the curtain. I can't remember my reaction to this at the time. Mild awkwardness, I guess, but more worry that when my parents would come to get me, they'd finally figure out what that curtain was for and not let me go in there by myself anymore.

Eventually, it became a moot point, as I stopped going to the news stand on my own, because A) I got more discerning about my comic book reading, and started going to comic book stores, as opposed to just buying them anywhere, B) I'd cleaned the place out of all the Fangoria back issues I wanted, and it was more convenient to buy new issues elsewhere, and C) I was still too young to go into the porn room.

When I was driving by over the weekend, though, I suddenly got nostalgic, and thought about going in there for the first time in almost 20 years. No, not to check out the porn room. Actually, now that I think about it, I'm not sure what's more pathetic: A man going into a news stand to look at porn, or a man going into a news stand to look at comic books and Fangoria? ("They're both equally pathetic, you loser," is a valid answer.)

Then I thought about how many times I've tried to recapture some great memory from my childhood, like watching a movie that I remembered really enjoying as a kid, or going on some of the rides at Disney World, and how as an adult, they just fell flat. And really, what would have been the point of going in there? They weren't going to have any comics I hadn't already seen, and I don't read Fangoria anymore. I guess I could have finally found out what the porn room looked like, but some things are probably best left to the imagination. So I just kept driving.

It'll be a shame if the news stand does get torn down, though. I like to think there are still plenty of kids who would get a kick out of discovering a hidden treasure trove of comic books and genre magazines. And I have no doubt there are plenty of adults who would get a kick out of discovering a hidden treasure trove of pornography.

To me, it seems nice that there's one place where these two groups can intersect. Creepy. But nice.

Summer Movie Scorecard

Have Seen:

Star Trek: B+
X-Men Origins: Wolverine: C

Definitely Seeing:

Terminator Salvation
Drag Me to Hell
Dead Snow
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Brüno
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Funny People
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Final Destination: Death Trip 3D
Inglourious Basterds
H2: Halloween 2

Might See:

Up
Land of the Lost

The Hangover
The Taking of Pelham 123
Year One
Public Enemies
I Love You, Beth Cooper
A Perfect Getaway
District 9
The Time Traveler's Wife

Panel of the Week

From Secret Six #9:

.com

Several years ago, I had a brilliant idea for a website. Sort of. What I mean is, I had the brilliant idea that I should come up with an idea for a website, and use that website to make lots of money. So basically, I was just a few synapses firing away from inventing Facebook. That's what I tell myself.

While I was trying to come up with this idea for a website, I went ahead and bought a domain name, so I'd be ready when it happened. It was actually a pretty good domain, and had those synapses gotten around to firing, I'm sure I could have done great things with it. But they didn't, and when the domain registration expired, I didn't bother renewing.

A few weeks ago, I thought about my old domain for the first time in a while, and decided to see if anyone had picked it up since I let it lapse. Yes, someone did, and now he (there's no doubt it's a he) uses it to post pictures of women's vaginas.

This seemed odd to me, because there's nothing whatsoever about the domain name that screams, "Porn!" in general, or "Vaginas!" in particular. He posts pictures of other women parts, too, but mainly vaginas. It's a free site, and there is no advertising, so apparently, he's just doing it out of love. Which seems a bit silly, as posting pictures of vaginas is probably one of the few guaranteed ways to make money on the Internet. But hey, it's his website now. He can do whatever he wants. Yay, vaginas.

But this got me thinking about how putting together a website was so much more complicated, say, ten years ago. First of all, domains weren't cheap. I think I paid $40 for mine for one year. Now, companies like Go Daddy sell them for much less. Second, relatively few people knew HTML or wanted to spring for something like FrontPage, which meant that if they wanted to actually do something with their domain, they either had to pay someone to make the site for them, or buy HTML For Dummies. (Which I did, but then you also have to actually read it, and that's the part that tripped me up.) Finally, for most people, there was no reason to go all out on a website in the first place, since if you just wanted a simple homepage, you could sign up with GeoCities or Tripod, where you could post a few family photos, your email address, and maybe some dancing hamsters, which is really all anyone wanted to do in the 90s, anyway.

Now, though, website design is so easy, that I'm thinking about giving it another shot. So far, I have two ideas. The first, I'm not going to mention here, because it actually is kind of a good idea that could conceivably make money. It's an idea for a Twitter-based site that I'll probably never actually getting around to doing anything with, but at least I'll have it in my back pocket for later, should I change my mind.

Here my second idea, though: A website featuring nothing but photos of people asleep on the Metro. There'd be absolutely no money in it, but it always makes me laugh when I see it on the train. People's heads tipped back, mouths open, softly snoring. Or slumped forward, their chins resting on their chests. Or the best, when the train is mostly empty, and they're sprawled out over the entire seat. Actually, now that I think about it, a lot of those people might be drunk, not asleep. But that wouldn't disqualify them from being included on the site.

I think it'd be a fun art project. And I guess if people were willing to pay to have their pictures taken down, it might end up being profitable after all.

Tourist dollars

This is a surreptitiously-taken photo of a family of tourists drinking coffee on the train yesterday, in direct defiance of the Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority, and indeed, God Himself. And considering that Metro fines people--in theory, anyway--$100 per violation, these tourists represented $300 in much needed revenue.

Of course, that $300 was never collected. Where were transit cops or Metro employees? Nowhere to be seen. (And even when they are seen, they're apparently nice guys who hate writing citations. Personally, I have yet to actually encounter a Metro employee who hasn't seemingly gone out of his or her way to be a dick, but I'm thrilled to find out they exist.) The system is just too big, and there are just too few of them.

Fortunately, I have the solution.

When I was in elementary school, I was a patrol. For those of you who went to schools that didn't have patrol programs, it worked like this: If you were a student with no behavioral problems--and more importantly, if you had self-esteem issues and got off on having authority--you could sign up to be a patrol. You got a reflective orange belt and badge, and it was your job to make sure the "civilian" students behaved at the bus stop and on the bus. Also, when the bus arrived, you went out in the middle of the street and got to hold up traffic while the students boarded, which actually was cool, because it was the first time you ever got to tell adults what to do.

There was actually a patrol camp held each summer, where patrols could go to...I dunno, learn better patrolling techniques or something. I have no idea. But the ones who went got promotions (yes, we had ranks) and nicer badges. I never went to patrol camp, but I felt a bit of jealousy towards those who did. Their badges really were much nicer.

Since "patrol" isn't really something one can put on a college application, the only reward we got was the pleasure that came from bossing around our fellow students, and a patrol field trip each year to a movie theater where we got to see a free movie. The year I was a patrol, the movie was Benji the Hunted. So really, kind of a shitty reward.

But I digress. My point is, Metro should have a program where people can sign up to be patrols and bust people who violate the rules by eating and drinking on the train. So for example, yesterday, I would have gone up to this family in the photo, pulled out my Metro patrol badge, and informed them they were breaking the rules. At that point, it would be up to me to decide whether to issue a warning or a citation. And I don't know if this part would be legal, so I'll be a little circumspect, but let's just say that if you were from out of town, your chances of getting a citation would go way, way up. Because what are tourists other than walking dollar bills?

As far as compensation goes, patrols would receive...let's say 10% of any fines they generate. So really, this program wouldn't cost Metro anything other than the cost of training and badges. Maybe guns. We might need guns down the road. But for now just badges.

Seems like this is a plan where almost everyone wins. Metro wins, because they'll make a lot of money. Patrols win, because they'll make a lot of money. Passengers win, because they'll have clean trains. Tourists lose, but no one gives a shit. And I win, because I'll finally get to go to patrol camp.

24: 5:00 a.m.-6:00 a.m

Thoughts:

-- Tony: "Red Line." Why, yes! There is a Red Line in D.C.! Holy shit! After months of kicking the hell out of our local geography, could the show finally be getting it together?

"Westbound." Well...um, we don't really think of the Metro in those terms (any local would just say, "towards Shady Grove." But I guess it's plausible that Tony, being a tourist and all, would look at a map of the Metro, and think "westbound." Yeah. Sure. That makes sense. So far, so good!

"To Washington Center." Fuck! Exactly what is "Washington Center," Tony?

-- If there's one thing this season needed more of, it's Jack killing dudes. But if there's two things this season needed more of, it's Jack torturing dudes. And I can't think of a more pointless thing to say to Jack Bauer than, "Please, just give me the morphine."

-- Metro station employees fucking wish they had booths that nice. Actually, as nice as our stations are, I would trade them for a layout like that in a second. Where did they film those scenes? Canada?

-- It'd be really funny if there weren't actually shadowy figures stalking Kim at the airport, and years of being around Jack had just made her paranoid, but obviously, they are shadowy figures.

-- I don't know why, but I'm really looking forward to Glee.

-- Oddly enough, they did stick the real Metro logo on the fake Metro train. I...guess they get points for that? I don't know.

-- Ha! Even in fictional Metro stations, the escalators don't work.

-- It's nice that after seven seasons, Jack's learned you can't transport a prisoner with anything less than a full convoy with weapons at the ready, otherwise the terrorists will intercept you and they will rescue him. Even with all those preparations, though, it still seems like a 50/50 shot that the FBI's going to lose Tony.

-- Two-hour season finale next week. They really picked it up this week, but they need to finish strong in order to salvage a season that, while not bad, has mostly been a disappointment.

Jack's confirmed kills: 0 (25 for the season)

Jack's Words of Wisdom: "I have nothing left to lose. You either tell me where that canister is, or so help me God, I will lay you down right here, right now."

Overall grade: B+

Star Trek

Spoilers follow...

The Good:

- The casting. It's mostly excellent. Chris Pine (who's come a long way since Just My Luck, an insipid romantic comedy starring Lindsay Lohan, that I'm embarrassed to admit, I didn't entirely hate) made a great Kirk. Zachary Quinto and Karl Urban did such a good job channeling Leonard Nimoy and DeForest Kelley, it was scary. Zoe Saldana made Uhura both interesting and sexy, two things I've never associated with the character. Simon Pegg was a much better Scotty than I expected. Bruce Greenwood as Pike was some nice out-of-the-box casting. John Cho was fine, but is he the only Asian actor in Hollywood? It would have been nice if they'd found someone who looked a little more like George Takei.

- The special effects. Every time a new sci-fi movie (especially a sci-fi movie of the giant-spaceships-blowing-up-other-giant-spaceships variety) comes along, I think, "Okay, this is it. Effects can't possibly get any better than this." And each time I'm proven wrong. The space battles in Star Trek are just incredible. And even though I didn't love the film, I'll probably watch it again in IMAX, in order to really appreciate them.

- The opening sequence with the Kelvin getting destroyed, juxtaposed with Kirk's birth. I might have choked up a little. I'm not saying I did. Just that I might have. A little.

- Spock and Uhura. Did not see that coming.

- Scotty's throwaway line about Admiral Archer's dog. Enterprise wasn't a great series, but considering that it took place shortly before the events in the film, it definitely needed to be referenced in some way. And frankly, considering that the film is more or less intentionally unfriendly towards longtime Trekkies, it was nice to get thrown a bone.

- The uniforms. I'm a little surprised they didn't get a complete overhaul along with everything else. But I'm glad they didn't, as it's a pretty iconic look. The filmmakers did modernize the tunics the male crew members wear, using new material and adding a black undershirt, but that's about it. And not only did the female uniform's miniskirt stay, but hey, it crept up a few inches! That's a changed timeline I can believe in.

The Bad:

- Chekov. Wasn't in the first season of the show, shouldn't have been in the movie. Other than those gags involving his accent, he was totally unnecessary to the plot. And what was he doing on the Enterprise at age 17, anyway? Not even fucking Wesley Crusher had graduated from the Academy at 17, and he was a super genius.

- Set design. Obviously, they weren't going to faithfully recreate the original design, which looked really clunky and non-futuristic even back in the 60s. But it would have been nice if they'd gone with more subtle changes, keeping something of a retro look, instead of making the bridge look like an Apple Store.

- The new timeline. I understand why they did it, but it seems unnecessary. Almost everything that happens in this film and any sequels could have just been retconned into the existing Trek continuity, and placed before the events of the original TV show. True, that would have meant that the major changes that were made--Vulcan being destroyed, chief among them--wouldn't have been possible, but I don't think the film would have been irreparably harmed without those changes. At least the film very clearly spells out that the characters are, in fact, in a new timeline, so those Trekkies who are mainly fans of the TNG-era characters can rest easily, knowing that all those stories they love haven't been completely wiped out of continuity.

The Ugly:

- The Kobayashi Maru. This is a scene that every Trekkie has dreamed of seeing, and it just felt rushed and flat.

- Product placement. Totally inappropriate for a Star Trek film. Nokia? Budweiser? There is no Nokia or Budweiser in the future. There are no corporations. There is no money. Hey, look, I'm not saying this is a realistic future, but for better or worse, it is the one Star Trek is based on. I guess I should be thankful there wasn't a Cisco logo on Uhura's console.

- Plot holes. I can overlook the occasional lapse in logic here and there (like, say, Starfleet being so shorthanded that they're forced to use cadets for the Vulcan mission), but there are three plot holes so huge, you could fly a starship through them:

1) Pike appointing a cadet as the first officer when he left to board the Romulan ship. What about the dozens, if not hundreds, of officers on board the Enterprise? Chekov had more seniority, for Christ's sake.

2) Spock ejecting Kirk from the ship. He could have confined him to quarters. He could have put him in the brig. Stranding him on a desolate ice planet crawling with predators seemed a bit draconian, regardless of whether or not there was a conveniently placed Starfleet installation nearby.

3) At the end of the film, Kirk goes straight from cadet to captain? And not just captain of any ship, but of the flagship of the entire fleet? Seriously? There's no way to rationalize this. It's just stupid.

Final thoughts:

In the end, this isn't a Trek film that was made for Trekkies. Not hardcore Trekkies, not casual Trekkies, and not Trekkies somewhere between the two, like me. It was made primarily for people who have never been to a Trek film before. It was made for people who may not have even been born when TNG premiered in 1987. It was made for people who walked out of the theater not having any more interest in going back to watch old Star Trek episodes than they did before seeing the movie, but will eagerly be there opening weekend two or three years from now for the sequel.

And I guess I don't begrudge Paramount this. The box office for Nemesis and the ratings for Enterprise were horrible. They clearly needed to do something to re-energize the franchise. Still, it would have been nice if they'd trusted the audience enough to enjoy a story about Ensign Kirk and save his promotion to captain for the next film, instead of cramming everything into this one.

Also, when Star Trek inevitably makes its return to television, where it really belongs, I hope they don't feel beholden to staying with this new timeline Abrams created, and goes back to the original one. It'll make longtime fans happy, and I doubt the new ones would even be able to tell the difference.

Whining and clergy

I started to reply to Tagryn in the comments section, but it got to be so long, I figured I might as well respond in a separate post.

First, the black clergy have historically been a powerful political force in the African American community, and still are in places like Philly (where you can't win a major political seat without the backing of the main black clergy organization). They may not have the same "pull" in DC anymore because of gentrification, but Berry's smart to at least acknowledge his community's feelings on the matter: he is a politician, after all.

He's not being smart, here. He thinks he is, but it's going to blow up in his face.

Unfortunately, Barry is in absolutely no danger whatsoever of losing his seat. If his Ward 8 constituents can overlook the sheer tonnage of things about Marion Barry one would have to overlook in order to cast a vote for him, joining a unanimous vote of the city council to recognize gay marriage isn't going to cost him his job.

And even if there was a chance it would? Since when does electoral calculation make it okay to support bigotry? Every other member of the council (and Fenty) willingly put themselves in the crosshairs of angry interest groups because they knew it was the right thing to do. So what's Barry's excuse?

Second, without the black clergy, the civil rights movement in the '60s doesn't happen. They formed the bulk of the organization and leadership which made MLK possible.

So? That has jack to do with what's happening now. If the current black clergy had their way, the current civil rights movement wouldn't be happening. They don't get to dine out on MLK forever.

So you'd think they'd be a natural group to get on board for this, but there's been virtually zero outreach to the black clergy (or the African American community at large, for that matter) on the part of the gay marriage movement; instead, they've been getting vitriol and disdain like we see in this post.

Let's be very clear: This is not an issue where there can be legitimate difference of opinion, like with abortion or gun control or the economy. There's no defensible reason to be against gay marriage. There's bigotry and...bigotry. And that's about it.

But even if that wasn't the case, what sort of outreach do you envision? Gay marriage is a zero sum game. Either it happens or it doesn't, with no room for compromise. Based on the vitriol and disdain we saw from the black ministers at the Wilson Building this week, I don't see much of an opening for constructive dialogue, do you?

Or to put it another way, exactly how does one reach out to something like this?

As long as they're treated like enemies, instead of potential allies, they'll continue to be defensive and act like enemies. Considering how they've been approached - again, see above post - its hard to blame them. If I printed this out and took it to a minister, think it'd be very persuasive to get him on board?

First, go ahead and print it out and take it to a minister. I'd really appreciate it.

Second, they're not potential allies. They've made their position abundantly clear. They're against gay marriage. Again, what room do you see for compromise here? If you're an anti-gay minister, what can I possibly say to you to get you to change your position?

The answer, of course, is nothing. That's why neither the gay community nor the city council has show much interest in approaching them like they're potential allies. It's a waste of time.

But hey, keep on underestimating them and telling them they need to just shut up. How's that been working so far?

Well, by a 12-1 vote, gay marriage is now recognized in the District of Columbia. I'd say it's working pretty fucking good.

Panel of the Week

From Flash: Rebirth #2:

Trek Wars

As I see it, there exist two unresolved questions of such profound importance that it could be said the very meaning of life itself hinges on the answers: 1) "Is there a God?" and 2) "Which is better, Star Wars or Star Trek?"

After giving both a fair amount of consideration (and seeing as how there is a new Star Trek film coming out this week), I decided to tackle the more vital question of the two.

Plot

Star Wars: A whiny farm boy becomes a knight with magic super powers who fights his dad and his dad's boss, meets a mercenary with a heart of gold and his pet/best friend, and almost bangs his sister. Then, over the course of three prequel films, we find out how he was born.

Star Trek: Explorers jet around the galaxy in a cool starship, encountering new life and new civilizations, boldly going where no man has gone before.

Comments: Okay, I'm clearly showing a bit of favoritism, but let's be honest. Star Wars works in spite of its concept, not because of it. With Trek, while the execution sometimes fails, the ideas it's based on are far superior.

Winner: Star Trek


Films

Comments: On paper, Star Wars should win this one pretty handily. Unlike Star Trek, Star Wars is principally a movie franchise, and as much as people love Trek's undisputed best film, Wrath of Khan, it's not spoken of with anywhere close to the reverence reserved for the first two Star Wars films.

But let's break it down scientifically. Not...really scientifically, I guess. But you know. With numbers and stuff. To keep things as simple as possible, I'll just use a 3-point scale to grade each film (2 points = great, 1 point = okay, 0 points = terrible) and then take the average.

Star Wars:

A New Hope: 2
Empire Strikes Back: 2
Return of the Jedi: 1
Phantom Menace: 1
Attack of the Clones: 1
Revenge of the Sith: 2
Clone Wars: 0
Average score: 1.29

Star Trek:

The Motion Picture: 0
Wrath of Khan: 2
Search For Spock: 1
Voyage Home: 2
Final Frontier: 0
Undiscovered Country: 2
Generations: 1
First Contact: 2
Insurrection: 1
Nemesis: 0
Average score: 1.10

Winner: Star Wars


Television

Comments: Obviously, Trek is going to run away with this one. There have been several hundred hours of Star Trek, many of them quite good, compared to just Star Wars' legendarily awful Christmas special, a few cartoons here and there, and a couple of TV movies featuring Ewoks. Unless that live-action Star Wars series George Lucas swears is coming turns out to be the best thing ever (and it won't be), there's no way Star Wars can ever even hope to compete in this category.

Winner: Star Trek


Main Characters

Star Wars: Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Princess Leia, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Anakin Skywalker

Star Trek: James T. Kirk, Jean-Luc Picard, Benjamin Sisko, Kathryn Janeway, Jonathan Archer

Comments: Trek gets dragged down a bit by the inclusion of Janeway and Archer, but the other three are more than strong enough to win this one. Besides, other than Han and maybe Obi-Wan, the Wars crew doesn't put up much of a fight here.

Winner: Star Trek


Villains

Star Wars: Darth Vader, the Emperor, Jabba the Hutt, Boba Fett

Star Trek: Klingons, Romulans, Khan, the Borg, Q, the Dominion

Comments: This one is a genuinely tough call. On the whole, I think Trek has more interesting villains (and certainly more of them), whereas Vader accounts for something like 99.99% of Wars' score in this category. But Trek also has a really annoying habit of watering its villains down as time goes by. Klingons became good guys, Q became comic relief, the Borg became dull, etc. Plus, Darth Vader is just cool. Not even the lame "Nooooooo!" from Revenge of the Sith can take that away.

Winner: Star Wars


Babes

Star Wars: Princess Leia

Star Trek: Uhura, Counselor Troi, Dr. Crusher, Lt. Yar, Major Kira, Dax (both of them), B'Elanna, Kes, Seven of Nine, T'Pol, Hoshi

Comments: Gold bikini. 'Nuff said.

Winner: Star Wars


Merchandise

Comments: Back in the early-to-mid 80s, all you had to do was stick the words "Star Wars" on the box, and kids would buy it--it didn't matter what it was--like it was heroin. In fact, the only reason we're not a nation of addicts today is that heroin dealers never thought to strike a licensing deal with George Lucas. But pretty much everything else imaginable could be had: action figures, bedsheets, stuffed animals (I, uh, might have an Ewok somewhere, boxed up among my old toys), glassware, costumes, Legos...the list goes on.

I'm sure even before the current merchandising blitz of the new Star Trek film, there's been plenty of Trek stuff. But aside from a few cheap-looking action figures from years ago, I honestly can't think of any examples.

Winner: Star Wars


Expanded Universe

Comments: Both Star Wars and Star Trek have gone far beyond what's appeared on-screen, by releasing tons of novels and comic books in order to build up their respective universes, as well as fill in gaps or address continuity issues. I can't really claim to be an expert here, as I've only read a handful of novels from each franchise, and while I read pretty much all of DC's TNG comics from the 90s, I could never get into Star Wars comics.

But while Trek doesn't really get too ambitious with its expanded universe, preferring to maintain the status-quo as much as possible, Star Wars has long-used theirs to do major stuff like introduce Luke Skywalker's wife, have Leia give birth to Jedi twins, and kill off Chewbacca. Plus, for continuity freaks, all the Star Wars stuff is considered canon, whereas Paramount can ignore (and has) pretty much anything in the Trek novels it wants to.

Winner: Star Wars


Video Games

Star Wars: Super Star Wars, Tie Fighter, Dark Forces, Jedi Knight, X-Wing Alliance, Knights of the Old Republic

Star Trek: Uh...um... Hey, that Voyager game that used to be in Time Out in Springfield Mall? Where you'd sit in it and shoot at the Borg? That was okay.

Winner: Star Wars


Cinematic Love Letter

Star Wars: Fanboys

Star Trek: Free Enterprise

Comments: Both are great, hilarious films, with interesting commentary on geek culture. (And oddly enough, both feature William Shatner appearing as himself.) But Fanboys is far and away the better film, not only because it's funnier overall and has Kristen Bell looking hot, but because Free Enterprise can never seem to decide whether it's celebrating geeks or making fun of them.

Winner: Star Wars


Final Results

By an amazing 7-3 margin, Star Wars wins!

It doesn't matter, though. Star Trek is still better. Suck it, fanboys.

Is there anything less threatening in the world than an enraged minister? I mean, seriously. Anything?

The D.C. Council overwhelmingly approved a bill yesterday to recognize same-sex marriages performed elsewhere, in a vote that followed a sharp exchange between an openly gay member and a civil rights champion and set off shouts of reproach from local ministers.
...
After the vote, enraged African American ministers stormed the hallway outside the council chambers and vowed that they will work to oust the members who supported the bill, which was sponsored by Phil Mendelson (D-At Large). They caused such an uproar that security officers and D.C. police were called in to clear the hallway. (Washington Post)

First, I'd just like to say how awesome it is that D.C. is such a utopia that this is the issue that caused African American ministers to storm City Hall in anger. One can only imagine how upset they would have been if things like crime and poverty and homelessness still existed here. They probably would have broken out machine guns.

Also, enraged African American ministers? Fuck off.

I mean, your sole ally on the city council vote was Marion Barry. Fucking Marion Barry! Shouldn't that throw up about a million red flags for anyone? If Marion Barry proposed legislation that would establish Free Ice Cream, Puppies, and Video Games Day in D.C., I'd immediately oppose it simply out of principle. Because if Marion Barry is in favor of something, it usually only benefits Marion Barry. (Or occasionally, the retards in Ward 8 who keep electing him. But usually, just Marion Barry.)

Barry, who said he supports gay rights and civil unions, warned after the vote that the District could erupt if the council does not proceed slowly on same-sex marriage.

"All hell is going to break lose," Barry said. "We may have a civil war. The black community is just adamant against this."

Yeah, Marion. We're going to have a civil war. Here in D.C. Over gay marriage. Somehow, I don't think angry message board postings and letters to the editor and maybe...maybe...a few overturned Washington Blade newspaper boxes constitute a civil war. But I seriously doubt we're going to see the horrible violence in the street that conservatives have long claimed will occur if the sanctity of marriage is ever defiled in such a fashion.

I've never really understood whatever weird cultural circumstances exist in this country that have pitted black people against gay people, most notably in last year's gay marriage vote in California that allowed Prop 8 to pass. Of course, being neither black nor gay, that might be part of the problem. But crap like this and the Willie Wilson fiasco from a few years ago really underscore how fucked up the problem seems to be in D.C. However, if you were to take A) The number of enraged ministers (over a hundred, according to the Post article), B) Their congregations, and C) Whatever handful of people don't go to church but are still anti-gay just because, it would still be a tiny minority in the city. So if there is a civil war, it's going to be over pretty fucking fast. Think Desert Storm. Think the Dream Team vs. Angola. Think Seth Petruzelli vs. Kimbo Slice. It would be more like a civil fracas. A civil pillow fight. A civil glaring-at-some-guy-who-bumped-into-you-at-a-bar. Not a war.

"We need a new council. They are destroying our youth," a same-sex marriage opponent, Paul Trantham of Southeast Washington, shouted in the hallway during the ruckus. "Every minister who fears God should be here. This is disrespectful to the nation's capital. There is nothing equal about same-sex marriage."

You know, normally, I'd be right there with him on the "we need a new council" bit. Not today.

Toy story 2

When I was nine, my parents befriended this other couple who had a six year-old son. I'll call him "Tim." He was annoyingly cute, and they wanted us to be friends, but the last thing I wanted was to spend time with a six year old. I mean, I was nine. The age gap may have just been a couple of years, but in terms of sophistication, it seemed like Tim and I were decades apart.

I played with Transformers, whereas Tim carried around a stuffed animal. I'd seen Raiders of the Lost Ark about a dozen times, whereas Tim wasn't even allowed to watch PG movies. Tim still called them the "Super Friends," for Christ's sake, whereas I knew the proper term was the "Justice League of America." Obviously, this friendship wasn't going to fly.

So, through passive, non-violent resistance, I thwarted our parents' plans at social engineering. But I couldn't stop my parents and his from being friends, and it was made all the more irritating by the fact that while Tim's parents were more or less indifferent towards me, my parents--my mom, in particular--thought Tim was the greatest thing since...well, me. As an only child who had always been made to think the world revolved around me, this obviously drove me all kinds of nuts.

This situation came to a head one night when my parents had Tim's parents over for dinner. In order to avoid Tim, I'd gone over to a friend's house down the street, and timed my return once I knew they were gone. When I got home, my parents were in the kitchen cleaning up, and after talking to them for a couple of minutes, I was about to go up to my room, when my mom casually dropped the fact that she'd given a few of my old toys to Tim.

And I fucking lost it.

To this day, I don't think I've ever been as upset in my entire life as I was right at that moment. I was screaming. I was crying. I was stomping my feet. This reaction was due at least in part to lots of pent-up resentment about my mom's perceived favoritism towards Tim, but mostly, it was the principle of the matter. At that age, I was just beginning to really grasp the concept of personal property, both my own and other people's. So how the hell was someone else able to give away my property? It didn't make any sense to me. It would have been like, after years of being told to look both ways before crossing the street, she'd said, "Here, put on this blindfold and run into the intersection. Don't worry, it's fine."

Understandably taken aback by my going from zero to psycho in five seconds flat, she tried pointing out that the toys she'd given Tim were ones I'd outgrown and hadn't touched in forever. This argument didn't work, and the tantrum continued, as I made it clear that I wanted my toys back right now.

Normally, this would have been the point where my dad stepped in and told me to shut up and go to my room. And on one hand, he definitely wasn't happy with my outburst. On the other hand, he recognized that I had a legitimate grievance. By this point, I'd cried myself out, and just stood there in the kitchen huffing and pouting, as I watched my dad try to explain to my mom why I was so upset.

"You gave away his stuff without asking," he said.
"But he never uses it!" my mom responded.
"Yes," he said patiently, "but it was still his stuff."

(Observing this exchange was when I first developed my theory that boys are smarter than girls. A theory, I'll point out, that over 20 years later, has yet to be disproven.)

Eventually, my mom threw up her hands in defeat and apologized to me. Sort of. It was one of those non-apology apologies that politicians and corporations are so fond of. Something along the lines of, "I'm sorry you're so upset." But I still counted it as a win. She asked me if I wanted her to get the toys back. I said it was no big deal, and went to bed, leaving her somewhat confused as to what the whole hassle had been about.

And the thing is, it really wasn't a big deal. She was right. I hadn't touched any of the crap she'd given away in years. It's not like it was any of my action figures or comic books. It was, like, a toy typewriter and some other stuff I didn't care about. If she hadn't said anything, I wouldn't have even noticed it was gone. In fact, if she'd just asked me if she could give it to Tim, I probably would have said yes. Or in the very least, if I'd said no, it would have been because I hated Tim, not because I cared about keeping the toys.

But like I said, it was the principle of the thing. I understood that. My dad understood that. My mom didn't. (Possibly because she was a girl, and therefore dumb.)

So, two lessons to take away from this:

First, if you're a parent (and by "parent," I mean "mother," since we've established no father would ever do this to his kid), don't ever steal from your child to give to another child. You may not think of what you're doing in those terms, but that is in fact what you're doing. Stealing. From your own child. To make some other kid happy. If you do this, you're both a thief and a communist, and I hope you're really proud of yourself.

Second, Tim went on to have severe emotional problems as a teenager--specifically, violent outbursts--and had to be sent to a special school/hospital. Probably the result of not being allowed to watch PG movies until other kids his age had already moved onto R films.

I guess that's not actually a lesson, but it does make me happy to think about whenever I picture that little shit playing with my toys.

24: 4:00 a.m.-5:00 a.m

Thoughts:

-- It's very strange how, this season, the show seems to leap back and forth between extreme liberal and conservative positions in regards to things like civil rights and torture. I guess it's better than in previous seasons, when it was pretty much 100% conservative, and any character who objected to whatever Jack did was just a big fucking pussy, but it's a bit jarring.

-- The G Street Mosque in Georgetown? I...oh, why even bother?

-- Isn't it sort of pointless to put someone like Jonas in the witness relocation program? The guy is fairly well-known. I doubt I'd recognize, say, the CEO of Blackwater if I passed him on the street, but I'm sure a lot of people would.

-- After this episode, I wonder if we're going to get another PSA from Kiefer Sutherland telling viewers that not all Muslims are bad, like they ran a few seasons ago.

-- I'm both shocked and awed that the show name checked Pershing Park, which, amazingly, is both a real place and geographically close to the White House. I would have thought they would have just had the guy say something like, "Meet me in Washington, D.C. Park" or "Abraham Lincoln Sqaure" or something.

-- Goddammit. I hate it when Hollywood can't be bothered to get the Metro right. I guess it's somewhat understandable, but still annoying.

-- It's now been six weeks since Jack's killed anyone. Did Kiefer Sutherland have some sort of born again experience halfway through this season, and decide violence was wrong?

Jack's confirmed kills: 0 (25 for the season)

Jack's Words of Wisdom: "I'm not asking for your forgiveness."

Overall grade: C+

Panel of the Week

From Conan the Cimmerian #10: