Finish line

In case I've seemed unusually talkative (blogative?) this past month, there's a reason for that. No, I haven't been laid off, and desperate for ways to amuse myself. (But if that changes, I've decided to finally take the leap and become a professional blogger. And by "professional blogger," I mean stalk members of Congress and take incriminating photos of them with their mistresses/young male pages. Of course, at that point, I might as well just become a professional blackmailer. That somehow seems more respectable than professional blogger.)

But about a month ago, I was feeling really drained and worn out from blogging. This will come as no surprise to those who have blogs and maintain them on a regular basis, but this is hard work with little reward...really, no reward, whatsoever. And looking at my output from March, I saw that of the seventeen posts I'd made: six were 24 recaps; four were Panel of the Week posts; and one was basically just the blog equivalent of a clip episode of a TV show. So really, that just leaves six posts for the entire month that I'd put any sort of effort into whatsoever. ("Effort" being relative.)

I thought about taking a break from blogging for a while, but I instinctively knew that if I did that, I wouldn't be coming back. And while there are certainly days that this blog feels like a tremendous albatross around my neck, I wasn't quite ready to walk away from it.

So instead, I decided to go the opposite route and post something every single day in April. And frankly, it's been a lot more fun than I thought it would be. Sure, there were a couple of nights where I was staring at my computer at 11:30 pm trying to think of something to write about (hence, last night's truly epic "TV stuff" post), but with a bit of discipline, it actually wasn't that bad.

To be fair, April was really super cooperative, what with Fenty, zombies, Batman, teabaggers, football (pro and otherwise), and other blogable things all popping up on my radar. But I like to think that even if I hadn't had those, I would have been able to pull it off. I'm not saying I would have. But I like to think.

Anyway, the moral is, if you're a blogger and you find yourself worn out and start to wonder what the point is, don't be so quick to walk away.

But seriously, though, why not follow members of Congress around with a camera? It seems to work pretty well for TMZ. And let's be honest, in these politically-charged times, won't people care a lot more about who Eric Cantor's fucking than Lindsay Lohan? Especially if there's photographic evidence to go along with it?

Sure, they will.

TV stuff

Random thoughts on TV shows:

-- I guess we find out next week whether or not Chuck is getting renewed, which, after the really great season finale, it damn well better be. I can't remember the last time a show I liked this much was on the cancellation bubble. I'm not the kind of person who will write letters to the network or send in some Chuck-related chotchke like those crazy Jericho fans did, but I will threaten NBC that if they cancel Chuck, I will absolutely, categorically refuse to watch the new Jay Leno show at 10 pm. Because, er...I was totally going to.

-- I can't decide whether Late Night With Jimmy Fallon is hideously unfunny or so hideously unfunny it actually is funny. He's a horrible interviewer, and a couple of weeks ago, they did a bit with SNL's Casey Wilson and a character called "The Pie Man," and it was so terrible and bombed so badly, I could actually feel the audience's discomfort through the television screen. But while I didn't laugh once, I felt oddly amused by it. So I dunno. On the plus side, though, he is booking guests like Kevin Rose and Morgan Webb that you don't see on any other talk show, so he gets points for that.

-- I normally hate cop shows with a passion, which is why I could never get into The Wire or CSI, and, on the rare occasion I watch Law & Order, only really pay attention during the second half of the episode. But I'm digging The Unusuals. It's rare that a midseason replacement is even watchable, let alone actually good, but The Unusuals is surprisingly awesome.

-- The new Cupid sucks ass. It's like the producers went out of their way to identify everything that was great and funny about the original series and then proceeded to strip it out.

-- I wish cable TV would stop giving Tracy Ullman television shows. I blame the small--yet apparently still statistically significant--segment of the U.S. population that actually finds British humor to be funny.

-- 30 Rock is not nearly as good this season as it was in its first two. I don't know if the gag has gotten old or what, but for every really great episode, there are two or three duds. The weird thing is, a lot of people I know who watch the show insist it's just as good as it's ever been. This is nothing more than blatant denial.

-- This may well be the best DVD purchase you'll ever make.

Free Comic Book Day 2009

Remember that old anti-drug PSA from the 90s, where the cute kid was walking down the street with his toy plane, and a drug dealer stopped him and said, "You want to fly? I've got something that'll really make you fly." And the commercial ended with the kid looking all intrigued because his parents had never told him to stay away from drugs, and therefore about to go down a long road of drug addiction and despair?

Free Comic Book Day, which is this Saturday, is sort of like that, in that the first hit is free and you will feel like you're flying, but this road leads only to awesome. Because what in life is more awesome than reading comic books? Seriously, what? I see you struggling to come up with even one thing, and being unable to do so, which I think proves my point.

As I have for the past couple of years, I'm posting the map of D.C.'s fine comic book selling establishment type place:

It really can't be stated enough how lucky D.C. is to have not one, not two, but three (four if you count Fantom's two locations) great comic book stores. Ten years ago, that certainly wasn't the case, and I think it's a great testament to the city's capacity for either hipness or geekiness (though it often seems like there's a thin line between the two) that such a relatively small area can support this many stores.

The complete list of free comics available can be found here. (The Gold comics should be in good supply; the Silver titles depend on the specific retailer.) But here are my recommendations:

Avengers: I'm not a big Marvel fan in general, but the Avengers books tend to be a lot of fun, and fairly accessible for the new reader.

Blackest Night #0: DC's output has been a bit uneven the past few years, but Green Lantern has consistently been one of its better titles. This issue will get you up to speed on what's been going on, and sets the stage for Blackest Night, DC's upcoming summer event.

Aliens/Predator: You know how the two Aliens vs. Predator films sort of sucked? The comics are so much better.

Contract #1: I honestly have no idea what this is, but it looks and sounds good.

FCHS: The perfect comic for those of you who aren't turned on by superheroes, aliens, or predators.

TMNT #1 25th Anniversary Reprint: It's hard to believe, but Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was actually a groundbreaking--and surprisingly gritty--independent comic. Then that godforsaken cartoon was made, and took away all it's indie cred. Then Vanilla Ice came along and took away the rest.

And of course, even if you can't find anything among the free comics you want, feel free to actually buy something. As a public service, here are my top five recommended graphic novels (both superhero and non-superhero) for the comic book newbie:

Superhero

1) Batman: Year One
2) Ex Machina, Vol. 1: The First Hundred Days
3) All Star Superman, Vol. 1
4) The Authority Vol. 1: Relentless
5) The Ultimates, Vol. 1

Non-Superhero

1) Preacher: Gone to Texas
2) Transmetropolitan: Back On the Street
3) Box Office Poison
4) Fables Vol. 1: Legends in Exile
5) 100 Bullets Vol. 1: First Shot, Last Call

24: 3:00 a.m.-4:00 a.m

Thoughts:

-- It was pretty much a given that either Tony was going to turn on Galvez, or Galvez was going to turn on Tony, because it always works that way in movies and on TV. I wonder if real life terrorists are as untrustworthy.

-- These mother/daughter White House scenes are horrible. The show doesn't even feel like 24 anymore. It's like some TV executive thought one day, "What if you crossed Gilmore Girls with The West Wing"?

-- Tony's terrorist girlfriend should go back to wearing the wig. She looks so much better as a blonde than a redhead.

-- Just once before I die, I want to participate in a conference call with a bunch of powerful, shadowy figures involved in some clandestine plot to control/destroy the world. Just once. It seems like it'd be really cool, though this wasn't nearly as much fun as the way it was done in Quantum of Solace.

-- No one on the set could have told Will Patton he had a really long nose hair in that scene?

-- Wait, Jack needs information on terrorists, and the only place he can find it is on the CTU servers which were locked up? I know CTU was a horribly inefficient organization that was getting infiltrated by moles or having its headquarters attacked on a weekly basis, but when the government wisely decided to shut CTU down, they never bothered to transfer all this supposedly valuable information?

-- So not only were the CTU servers decommissioned, but they were stored in the basement of FBI headquarters? Convenient.

-- Uh, Jack, contrary to what you just told Chloe, Tony didn't try and kill you. You were on the ground, writing around, totally defenseless. If Tony had wanted you dead, you'd be dead. It's not like the dude hasn't done enough evil shit without you making stuff up to pin on him.

-- Jack going off on Janis (who it seems like is basically Janeane Garofalo playing herself at this point) felt really forced. Like, the writers realized they'd let a few liberal talking points slip in, and had to balance it with a good, old fashioned conservative rant.

-- This is now the fifth episode in a row where Jack hasn't killed anyone. I don't understand how anyone on the show thought this was a good idea.

Jack's confirmed kills: 0 (25 for the season)

Jack's Words of Wisdom: "Today has been nothing short of a desperate grab for power, and it has failed. You have failed!"

Overall grade: B

WJLA: Blurring the line between news and desperation

I took a journalism class in high school. During the part that focused on journalistic ethics, I must have dozed off or was out sick or something, so I missed all those lessons. As a result, when I later took over the movie review column for my school paper, I had no idea it was wrong to write reviews of movies I hadn't actually seen. (Okay, that's not true. I'm just rationalizing. I knew it was wrong. I just didn't care. But what was the alternative? Sit through Johnny Mnemonic? Seriously?)

So I grant you that I'm probably not the best person to ask about ethics in journalism. Still, this seems to me to be all kinds of wrong:

"The ABC 7 Belfort Furniture Weather Center"? It's one thing for, say, the NFL to bend over for sponsors with shit like "The Toyota Halftime Show" or "FedEx Air & Ground Players of the Week." I would even say that shows like The Today Show or GMA can get away with it to a degree, because they're just as much entertainment as news.

But the local evening news?

I don't even watch much local news these days. Like everyone else, I get pretty much all my news from the Internet. I just stumbled across this last night. So not only do I have no idea how long WJLA has been doing this, but I have no idea how how widespread this is in the area. For all I know, Topper Shutt now does his segments from the "GEICO Weather Terrace," and Lindsay Czarniak does the "Wal-Mart Sports Report."

And I know times are tough (thanks mainly to people like me, who get their news from the Internet), but still. If WJLA needs to sell more advertising, carve a minute out of whatever insipid local human interest story they're airing on any given day, and run another couple of commercials. Or--and I'm just throwing this out there--if they want to save what I'm sure would be a considerable amount of money, fire Kris Van Cleave.

But don't start pulling crap like this, which is stupid at best, and sketchy at worst. After all, where do you draw the line? Belfort Furniture probably won't be the cause of any conflicts of interest, but suppose a company like Northrop Grumman wanted to get in on the act. Or the Redskins. I'm sure the Redskins would love to throw a few bucks your direction, and hey, by the way, how about doing a piece on how awesome Vinny Cerrato is?

And Belfort Furniture? You're wasting your money. Do you really think anyone is going to see that sign and think, "Sponsoring a Weather Center, eh? That must mean they know furniture!" Just do what everyone else does: hire some kid for below minimum wage to stand on the sidewalk in 90 degree weather and throw one of those signs around.

Summer Movie Scorecard 2009

This past weekend was absolutely beautiful...and for the most part, I completely wasted it by staying indoors to watch the NFL draft. This is doubly tragic, as it's also the last weekend before the summer movie season begins, which, as always, means that for most absolutely beautiful weekends over the next three months, I'll be in a dark theater for at least a couple of hours.

After a rather slow summer last year, where I only saw ten movies (although, they were ten fairly good ones, Indiana Jones aside), 2009 seems to be a return to quantity over quality. Which, in a way, is oddly comforting, as I think there's something to be said for the idea that summer movies aren't supposed to be good. Summer movies are supposed to be the cinematic equivalent of what you expect from a McDonald's cheeseburger: adequate taste and a minimum of fecal matter, and that's about it.


Have Seen:

Definitely Seeing:

X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Star Trek
Terminator Salvation
Drag Me to Hell
Dead Snow
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Brüno
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Funny People
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Final Destination: Death Trip 3D
Inglourious Basterds
H2: Halloween 2

Might See:

Angels & Demons
Land of the Lost

The Hangover
The Taking of Pelham 123
Year One
Public Enemies
I Love You, Beth Cooper
A Perfect Getaway
The Time Traveler's Wife

2009 NFL Draft live blog

2:00 pm: Is this the first year Suzy Kolber has been stuck in Bristol on draft day? Poor Suzy. But let's be honest: the top draft picks at Radio City would rather talk to Erin Andrews.

2:16 pm: Everyone keeps saying some NFL team will take a flyer on Michael Vick when he gets out of prison. I'll believe it when I see it. I still think he's CFL-bound. Or maybe that new football league Mark Cuban's part of. But what NFL team would want the PR nightmare involving in signing Vick? Maybe the Raiders, but that's about it.

2:21 pm: I'm not a fan of the bumpers ESPN is using as they go to commercial, but they're a hell of a lot better than the bumpers they ran three years ago, which were taken from this:

That was a dark, dark day for professional football. And I'm convinced the failures of Vince Young, Matt Leinart, and Reggie Bush can all be traced back their appearing in it.

2:37 pm: Chris Berman to Roger Goodell on an uncapped season: "Washington and Dallas could sign everyone." Untrue. Jerry Jones would show at least a little restraint.

2:49 pm: Mark Sanchez is being interviewed outside his home, sounding very modest and unconcerned about where he ends up. But he'd be an idiot not to be praying that the Redskins take him, and he gets some of that--as players supposedly refer to it longingly--"Dan Snyder money."

3:09 pm: Now I want the Redskins to draft Michael Oher. Not just because he's a great player who could help the offensive line, but in the hopes his really hot sister comes to D.C. to attend games.

3:20 pm: Contrary to earlier rumors, the Rams supposedly won't be taking Sanchez due to the salary cap hit they'd take from cutting or trading Bulger. It's easy to say since it's not my money and I'm not a Rams fan, but wouldn't it be worth it? I mean, is there any possibility of the Rams winning with Mark Bulger?

3:36 pm: Why the hell did the D.C. Armor schedule Fan Appreciation Night on the same day as the NFL draft? I can't imagine attendance will be too high. At least those who are there get a free beer. Worse, next home game isn't until late next month.

3:54 pm: I don't get why everyone keeps saying that Matthew Stafford won't be Matt Ryan. Uh...why not? The dude's making up to $78 million. For that much, he should be in the huddle the first game of the season.

4:16 pm: Rams take Jason Smith. Lousy pick. What's the point of protecting your quarterback if he'd not going to make passes, anyway?

4:20 pm: Kansas City is on the clock and...what? Redskins trade up and take...Aaron Curry!?! Really? No, not really. But that would be cool.

4:32 pm: If you're Seattle, how the hell do you NOT take Sanchez? Hasselbeck has, like, five good games left in him.

4:40 pm: Oh, thank Christ! The Jets trade up and take Sanchez. As a Redskins fan, this is great. As a blogger, I'm a little annoyed, because I had a great Guest Blogger Dan Snyder piece ready to go.

4:53 pm: Of course, the real losers in all this are the Jets players who have to A) Move to Cleveland, and B) Play for the Browns. I'd seriously contemplate retirement.

4:57 pm: Does it really matter who Oakland takes? They keep drafting high and they keep losing. Heyward-Bey over Crabtree is interesting, but it won't help. The Raiders will have a top ten draft pick again next year.

5:07 pm: The Packers are heavy at wide receiver, but the trio of Driver, Jennings, and Crabtree would be amazing.

5:19 pm: People on Twitter are pointing out that ESPN's habit of showing the draftees laughing on the phone before the pick is announced takes all the suspense out of the announcement. I guess I agree, but then again, is there really a lot of suspense to be found in the draft these days?

5:26 pm: Speaking of which, it's always weird seeing these first round guys talking to teams and laughing and smiling and saying how much they're looking forward to playing, knowing that within a few weeks, they'll be threatening to hold out if they don't get a fat contract.

5:31 pm: And out of nowhere, barely giving people on Twitter time to pontificate, the Redskins take Brian Orakpo, the pass rusher they so badly need. It's a triumph for common sense, a triumph for Jason Campbell, and a stunning defeat for Dan Snyder. A great pick.

And given that the Redskins are done for the day, so am I.

The Redskins Fan's Draft Day Emergency Survival Kit

"With the fifth pick of the 2009 NFL Draft, the Washington Redskins select quarterback Mark Sanchez, USC."

Unfortunately, there's a very real possibility of these words being spoken tomorrow, effectively throwing away a proven NFL quarterback in Jason Campbell for an unknown quantity, extending the team's decade-long rebuilding year by at least one more, and--if we're not there already--cementing our position as the laughingstock of the league.

So what to do if you're a Redskins fan, and the team drafts Sanchez? Or for that matter, decides to trade its first round pick for some magic beans, another very real possibility from the Snyder/Cerrato brain trust? Don't worry, I've got you covered, with the following draft day kit.

1. Expendable Redskins gear

It doesn't have to an Archuleta jersey. It could be any piece of Redskins clothing or merchandise you'd have no regrets about ripping up, setting on fire, using as toilet paper, or otherwise defiling and/or destroying. (Sending the remains to Redskins Park along with a nasty letter is optional.)

2. ExtremeSkins.com

Commiserate with your fellow outraged Skins fans about the prospect of another losing season.

3. Tequila

This one should be self-explanatory. Don't bother with a glass.

4. Hail Victory: An Oral History of the Washington Redskins by Thom Loverro

Travel back in time to the happier days of the pre-Snyder era, when the Redskins played in Super Bowls instead of watching them, the team had a GM just like a real NFL franchise, and Mr. Jack Kent Cooke made the world a sunnier place just by living in it.

5. Voodoo doll

Maybe you're not so upset at Snyder and Cerrato over drafting Sanchez that you're willing to turn to the dark arts in order to exact revenge. But then again, maybe you are.

6. A new team to root for

Sometimes, you just need to know when to let go.

7. Madden '09 and fantasy football

Show Dan Snyder how it's done by accomplishing what he can't: winning a Super Bowl! Even if it is just a make-believe one.

Panel of the Week

From Detective Comics #853:

Something, something 2: Electric Boogaloo

You read enough blogs or visit enough of the sort of websites that shoot for humor, you likely see a lot of the same jokes being used. "Jokes" may not even be the right word. More like...specific terminology intended to evoke a humorous reaction. Such terminology typically springs up because either one site came up with it, and it became a meme and quickly spread across the Internet until everyone was using it (and trying to take credit for it), or else it's just such a perfectly obvious gag, everyone pounces on it at the same time.

"Internets" is a great examples of this. Yes, it was hilarious when Bush inexplicably pluralized the Internet, and bloggers rightfully had a field day with it. I think at one point, the word "Internets" was being used in pretty much every single Wonkette post on any given day. And it was funny for a bit. But why are people still using it? Has "Internets" gotten so much as a chuckle from anyone who's read it in the past few years? Same thing with "series of tubes," the phrase popularized by Ted Stevens and his complete and utter lack of any sort of grasp of technology. After the millionth time, these sorts of words and phrases simply stop having any effect whatsoever on the reader, and the writer is just using them out of reflex for no good reason.

I mean, suppose you were communicating with someone orally instead of via a blog. Would you really keep using the same joke over and over? I used to know a guy who, for whatever reason, liked referring to the show Boston Public as "Boston Pubic." The first time he did it, I might have laughed in a, "Oh, I see what you did there. You substituted pubic for public. Because pubic is a funny word, and sounds a lot like public. Yes, bravo, well done." type way. The second time he did so and every time after that, it wasn't at all funny, and eventually, I felt like hitting him.

Which brings us to the movie Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo. Or more specifically, people's annoying habit of adding "...2: Electric Boogaloo" to the title of a blog post title or headline. It's become just another Internet reflex. Granted, at one point, just like with "Internets," it probably was funny. Back when most people had no idea there was a movie called Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo, and upon finding out there was, their reaction was probably something like, "Wait...someone named their movie Electric Boogaloo?!? What? No way! Are you shitting me? Electric Boogaloo? Really? That's awesome!"

The fact that it's become a hack line used by bloggers on a fairly regular basis is bad enough, but with me, it actually goes a bit deeper than that. See, unlike most of the people who so freely break out the "...2: Electric Boogaloo" joke, I've actually seen Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo.

And make no mistake, it's a horrible movie.

It used to be in heavy rotation on HBO back in the late 80s, along with other cinematic gems like Body Slam, starring Dirk Benedict and Rowdy Roddy Pipper, Leonard Part 6 (which has the distinction of being the only movie my parents wouldn't let me watch for a long time, not because of violence or foul language or anything, but just because of how stupid they thought it looked. For what it's worth, I quite liked it), and of course, The Beastmaster, which, if you were to add up all the times it's been on television over the years, would probably exceed a century.

But anyway, yeah, I sat through this piece of shit film. A few times, actually. The first because I had nothing better to do as a kid, and every time since then because I can't tear myself away. It's the movie equivalent of seeing mangled bodies in a horrible car accident. It makes the original Breakin' look like the fucking (fuckin'?) Godfather.

So I think this is only fair: If you're a blogger and want to use "...2: Electric Boogaloo" as a gag under the mistaken belief that doing so comes off as wit, fine. Whatever. Go ahead. But in order to use it, you actually have to sit through the movie first.

You have to sit through the story of two inner-city breakdancers named Ozone and Turbo (the two least tough, least threatening individuals to ever come from any inner-city anywhere in America), who fight to save Miracles, their neighborhood community center, from a greedy developer who wants to tear it down and put up a shopping center. You have to sit through the struggles of Kelly, the hot white girl from from a privileged family, as she's forced to choose between the prestigious dance school for rich, hot, white girls that her parents are demanding she attend, and breakdancing with the oddly asexual Ozone in the mean streets of L.A.

And let's talk about those mean streets. There is no crime. There is no poverty. There is a rival team of breakdancers who sneer at Ozone and Turbo a bit, but that's about it, and by the end of the movie, they're all friends. Why does this neighborhood even need a fucking community center? Who knows? (At least the shopping center would have given these kids jobs, so that when breakdancing stopped being popular in this country not long after Breakin' 2 came out, they wouldn't have been left high and dry.)

The whole second half of the movie is a blur. The kind of ugly blur you experience when you're hungover and can't remember the night before. At one point, Turbo breaks his leg, and this girl he has a crush on starts living in his hospital room closet. Oh, and the leg heals in, like, a week, just in time for him to participate in the big benefit concert to save Miracles. And the whole thing is made moot by the fact that even though they don't raise nearly enough money on their own, Kelly's parents just end up just writing a big check for the rest. And Ice-T shows up. And the film's male lead continues to demonstrate even less sexual interest in the female lead than what you'd see in a G-rated Disney film.

I know, none of that makes any sense. Neither does the movie.

Look, if you put a Marine Corps bumper sticker on your car, and you're not a Marine, you can expect to catch a lot of flack. Similarly, if you recklessly go around tossing out the phrase "Electric Boogaloo" without actually having seen the movie, it seems to me that you're displaying a badge of honor that you didn't earn.

So one of these days, take a deep breath, sit down and watch it. Give your car keys and remote control to a friend, so there's no escape. Sit down and watch it, and then you tell me whether or not there's anything funny about the phrase "Electric Boogaloo."

Whatever Happened to the Caped Crusader?

DC's attempts at bringing in high-profile writers to work on Batman over the past few years haven't exactly panned out.

Jeph Loeb's "Hush" storyline was met with near-universal derision. Frank Miller's much-anticipated All Star Batman & Robin the Boy Wonder turned out to be unreadable dreck, based on a gag that only Miller found funny. Grant Morrison's run on Batman mostly left people scratching their heads, trying to decide whether it was A) A work of mad genius, just like so much of Morrison's non-superhero stuff is, and thus should be cut some slack for occasionally being hard to follow, or B) Pretentious crap that was made even worse when it got dragged into the black hole of Final Crisis. So I was fully prepared to be disappointed by Neil Gaiman's "Whatever Happened to the Caped Crusader?"

It turned out to be the best Batman story DC has published in years.

Granted, Gaiman had it somewhat easy. He didn't have to worry about dealing with whatever stupid storyline issues DC has going on at any given moment. (Although, it does sort of tie-in to the current "death of Batman" nonsense.) He only had to write one two-issue story, not something that ran for a year or more, like the previously mentioned writers. He had Andy Kubert doing the art. And of course, he was allowed to be Neil Gaiman, which means he was allowed to go on something of a metaphysical flight of fancy that very few other writers would have been able to get away with.

Still. Best Batman story in years.

The genius of Batman is that he's easily the most versatile character in all of comics. Writer X can do a story where Batman spends the entire issue tracking down a mugger, and it works. Writer Y can do a story where Batman teams up with Superman to fight a supervillain in Metropolis, and it works. Writer Z can do a story where Batman and a hundred other heroes fight a being in outer space that wants to wipe out the entire universe, and it works.

And yet, in spite of the fact that their stories may work in the technical sense, surprisingly few writers seem to really "get" Batman. Yes, Batman is all about kicking ass and being scary and delivering cool dialogue and occasionally banging hot chicks. But there's also a fair amount of...I don't know, I guess, heart, for lack of a better term, that's been missing ever since The Dark Knight Returns shaped the modern-day interpretation of the character. And that's where Gaiman's story really succeeds, in bringing back that heart, in the sense that at his root, Batman is nothing more than a traumatized kid who never really grew up, something that I think a lot of writers either forget or purposely ignore in their rush to get to the ass-kicking and cool dialogue.

The collected edition comes out in July (as does the collected edition of "Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow," the classic Superman story by Alan Moore that obviously inspired Gaiman's title), but it's definitely worth checking out before then if you can get your hands on the two issues (Batman #686 and Detective Comics #853).

One of the things I love about comics is that no matter how many of them I've read, no matter how predictable I think they've become, no matter how frustrated I get at the people publishing them, every now and then, something like "Whatever Happened to the Caped Crusader?" can still come around and totally blow my mind. And as I probably don't have to tell you, the more older and jaded one becomes, having your mind blown is probably one of the best, rarest, most valuable experiences you can have.

Twittering Part 3

More observations on Twitter, tweeting, and twitiquette.

1) There are a lot of people on Twitter who claim to be "new media experts" in their bios. I'm not entirely sure what that means or what they do when they're not Twittering or Facebooking or otherwise, er...new media-ing...but they tend to have a lot of followers and mostly just seem to re-tweet other people and/or post things that I wouldn't think the vast majority of their followers really care about, but evidently, they do.

I suppose it's good work if you can find it, but while I hate to sound like someone's grandfather from 10-15 years ago, who was like, "What's this Internet thing I keep hearing so much about? What are all these dot-com things?", I really don't get how "new media expert" = "paycheck."

2) If you weren't smart enough to invent Twitter, you can still invent one of the ever-growing collection of websites that seek to capitalize on the success of Twitter. Of course, given that even the people who invented Twitter aren't making any money off of it, I'm not sure how anyone else will, either, aside from maybe the ones making iPhone apps. This whole thing feels like some sort of bubble that could burst at any given moment, just as soon as the next Twitter or Facebook comes along, but I guess for now, let the good times roll.

I actually came up with a great idea for a Twitter-related website this morning. But even if I did have the programming skills to get it up and running, it probably wouldn't be any more profitable than anyone else's Twitter site. On the other hand, the fact that the site would be aimed at creepy stalker-types, an ever-growing segment of the population with lots of disposable income and the willingness to spend it to achieve their creepy stalker goals, I think I'd figure out a way to make money sooner or later.

3) Speaking of Twitter-related sites, for the love of God, be careful what you sign up for, as some sites send out automated tweets in your name. When it's a site that does it just the first time you sign up (i.e., twibes.com), it's no big deal. But there was one guy who I was following who signed up for some sort of automated thing that tweeted how many people had started and stopped following him on any given day. It got to the point where it was a constant barrage of "I gained X number of followers, and lost X number of followers" tweets, and even though he was an otherwise interesting guy, I had to stop following him.

The weird thing is, I have no idea if he was unaware of what that site was doing, or if he honestly thought people gave a shit about how many followers he had.

4) And now, the rant potion of the post.

There's a Twitter phenomenon I find incredibly annoying, and that is the expectation among some people that when they follow you, you have an obligation to follow them back. It's bullshit. There are people I follow who don't follow me back. There are people who follow me who I don't follow back. And it's not because they're boring people or anything, it's just that we're using Twitter for different things. I use it as an extension of the blog. Someone else may use it to keep family and friends up to date on their activities. So there's really no point in me following someone like that, whereas, I'll be a lot more inclined to follow fellow bloggers. And if someone who follows me has their updates protected, I'm going to assume it's for a reason, and not be rude enough to ask, "Hey, can I listen in?"

I can usually tell when someone starts following me whether or not they'll still be around in three days, or if they're going to split as soon as they realize I'm not going to follow them back. This is why I've never been a fan of MySpace or Facebook. Because at a certain point, those sites became about acquiring as many "friends" as possible, even if they have no idea who you are.

So if you're just using Twitter to appear popular, you're sort of an idiot. As of this moment, I have 105 followers. I could easily have 1,105 by this time next week if I went around indiscriminately following people who I knew would automatically follow me back. But none of those extra 1,000 people would actually pay attention to anything I wrote. So what's the point? And of course, when you're following that many people, Twitter essentially becomes unusable, because there's no way you can keep up with all of them.

5) Don Geronimo is on Twitter, and clearly bored out of his skull in his semi-retirement, but that's okay, because his tweets are really entertaining. Anyone who grew up listening to Don & Mike ought to be following him. It's how I found out that he'll soon start podcasting, which should be a lot of fun.

24: 2:00 a.m.-3:00 a.m

Thoughts:

-- Before we get started, I'm going to give myself a pat on the back for calling Larry's death three weeks ago. And in light of last week's episode, I'm going to revise my Season Seven Dead Pool:

Character/Odds of Survival

Larry
Tony - 15%
Kim - 35%
Renee - 50%
Aaron - 50%
Olivia - 55%
Morris - 65%
President Taylor - 70%
Chloe- 70%
Janis- 75%

You'll notice that not only have Tony's odds of making it through the day plunged, but Renee's have dropped somewhat, using the logic that the show doesn't seem interested in giving Jack a girlfriend, so she might as well be sent off to FBI Heaven to be with Larry. Chloe will probably make it, but after Bill and Tony, the writers may be thinking about making a clean break from the past, so her chances dropped a bit, too.

Kim, Olivia, and President Taylor have been added to the list. Kim: All that talk of how the procedure to cure Jack could be fatal to her was a bit ominous, and really, what purpose does she serve at this point? Olivia: Her humanity has come through a bit in the past couple of episodes, so I think she'll probably end up going to jail instead of into a coffin, but you never know. President Taylor: Mostly just wishful thinking on my part. Worst 24 president ever.

-- That's got to be the shortest character arc in 24 history. Sorry, hot blonde lawyer. Wish we'd gotten to know you better.

-- So all those times Kim ignored Jack and ended up being chased by terrorists, chased by cougars, held at gunpoint, banging C. Thomas Howell, etc. But the one time she can actually do some good by ignoring Jack, she listens to him and goes back to Los Angeles?

-- I've been going back and forth between whether Renee's freckles are cute or weird-looking. At the start of the season, I thought cute. Now, I'm leaning towards weird-looking. At least she's not a full Ginger, as I do share Cartman's prejudice.

-- Can lawyers just waltz into the White House to meet with their imprisoned clients? I don't suppose it's an issue that comes up very often in real life (or, I guess, ever), but it doesn't really feel right. I would think they'd wait until Jonas was transferred elsewhere before allowing him to meet with counsel.

-- Kim has a husband? I wonder if she told him that most of her previous boyfriends ended up dead or missing limbs.

-- Kim has a baby? Cool, 20 years from now, they can do 24: The Next Generation, and she can be the main character.

-- Jon Voight was great casting, but was also mostly wasted this season.

-- For a guy who's been exposed to a fatal toxin that's been slowly eating away at his body and mind for the last few hours, Jack's making impressive deductive leaps all over the place. First, he figures out that the building was a trap. Then he realizes Tony is somehow involved in everything that's going on. Considering how addled he's been, all this would have been more believable even coming from Kim.

-- I'm supposed to believe Tony Almeda about global warming? After what he's done? Fuck that. Whatever Tony says, I have to think the opposite is true.

Jack's confirmed kills: 0 (25 for the season)

Jack's Words of Wisdom: "You and I have been doing this long enough to know that there is no such thing as a meaningless lie."

Overall grade: C+

Mayor Fenty's not a real good ticket guy

Occasionally, I get the urge to act like a dick.

Nothing major. I don't do anything truly dickish, like pick bar fights, or laugh at people with physical deformities, or stand on the left side of the Metro escalator or anything like that. Just things like pushing the close button on an elevator, even though I know someone's coming. Or speeding up to prevent someone from passing me in traffic. Frankly, I think this is somewhat therapeutic, and a good thing, in that by occasionally getting these petulant urges out of my system, I'm far less likely to act like a major dick down the road.

So it's a shame that Mayor Fenty has aides to handle elevators for him, and drivers to do his driving for him, because he's obviously not getting these dickish urges out of his system, and as a result, he is now acting like a major dick.

Now, do I care whether or not Jack Evans or Vincent Gray get to use their suite at Nationals Park? No, of course not. But everyone can relate to the idea of someone taking something of theirs and not giving it back. Maybe it was an older brother. Or the school bully. Or a mugger. Regardless of who it was, I think we've all been there and understand the frustration involved. (Unless, of course, you, the person reading this, was the older brother or school bully or mugger, in which case...well, try your best to empathize, I guess.)

What makes this situation bizarre--okay, more bizarre, given that we're even talking about the mayor of the nation's capital hoarding baseball tickets--is that instead of taking the direct approach ("This is between me and the council. They know why I'm not releasing the tickets.") or refusing to talk about it ("No comment."), Fenty is talking about it, he's just denying there's even a problem.

His ineffective, ungraceful attempts at dodging accountability are amazing to watch. It's like nothing I've ever seen before from a politician. Even Bush freely acknowledged that people disagreed with him. Sure, he also freely acknowledged that he didn't give a shit. But at no point did he claim that Democrats were totally on board with his agenda, and act puzzled that people seemed to think otherwise.

There really appears to be something seriously wrong with Fenty. I'd strongly suspect some sort of head injury, but we'd be able to detect it on that dome of his. Maybe when he was on one of his recent trips to Dubai or China, they Manchurian Candidated his ass, and the signs of mental conditioning are starting to show. Maybe he's just starting to crack under the pressure of being a big city mayor. Who knows? But clearly, there's some sort of major disconnect between him and reality.


Fenty: "To be honest with you, most of the things going on in the city have nothing to do with Nats tickets."

Reality: Well, yeah, no shit, Mr. Mayor. No one's claiming otherwise. And, hey, way to talk down to us. But just like people can walk and chew gum or pat their head and rub their stomach at the same time, people are capable of wondering about issues like crime and education, and why you're being a prick.


Fenty: "I really have no idea. I really don't. I don't know what the details are."

Reality: Let's pretend he's telling the truth. He's not, but let's pretend. Is this response at all comforting? How does he not know what the details are? This thing has been going on for over a week. At no point, has he gotten curious? At no point, has he been surprised to find out his office is holding baseball tickets hostage? Has a rogue faction of City Hall employees taken over, and threatened Fenty if he talks? Should we call in Jack Bauer? If so, just blink twice, Mr. Mayor!


Fenty: "I'm not a real good ticket guy."

Reality: What does that even mean? There's no such thing as a "good ticket guy." One has a ticket(s). At that point, one either gives his ticket(s) to the ticket taker at an event, or distributes them to others so they can do so. There's no real skill or science involved.

Unless...okay, I think I might have this figured out. Mayor Fenty...did you lose the tickets? Did you put them down someplace and now can't find them? Did you leave them in your pants pocket and forget to take them out before you did your laundry? Dude, if that's the case, just say so! It's no big deal! The Nats will replace them! They might charge you a small processing fee, but hey, that's no big deal. Just take it out of the small fortune the Lerners have donated to your re-election campaign.


Fenty: "The council is consummate professionals [sic]. They're a team as good as any in the country. My administration couldn't be more focused on what the citizens need right now. To be honest with you, almost no one in the government is focused on tickets. But we understand that the media has to ask these questions, and we respect you for doing so."

Realty: Technically, I suppose Fenty is correct. There are thousands of people working in the D.C. government. The vast majority of them aren't focused on the tickets, because it's not like they're ever going to see the inside of either of the government's suites. The problem is, the thirteen people who make up the city council clearly do care about them. And you can still be consummate professionals and want your property.

Also, while I do have to give Steve Chenevey and Gurvir Dhindsa props for not letting Fenty off the hook on this no matter how hard he tried to wiggle, I would have liked to see a little more of a reaction at Fenty's condescending remark about how he knows the media "has to ask about this," as if it's a salacious TMZ report and not a legitimate news story vis-à-vis the evidently fucked-up relationship between the mayor's office and the city council.


Fenty: "Ask me something substantive."

Reality: Bottom line: When a politician starts dictating to the media what it can ask him and expect to get a straight answer, no matter how much he may smile and laugh and put on the charm offensive while doing so, it's time to kick his ass to the curb.

Unfortunately, the only people realistically in a position to challenge him next year, members of the city council, just got schooled in Fenty-style politics. If he's willing to go to war over something so incredibly minor as a pissing contest over baseball tickets (or, possibly, the rejection of his nominees to the Public Employee Relations Board), who knows what sort of horrible retaliation he might come up with if he was challenged for the Democratic nomination by a member of the council. The unfortunate councilman would probably come home from work one day and find a big wall being erected, cutting off his ward from the rest of the city.

So basically, it's starting to look like Boss Fenty is mayor until he decides otherwise.

Or until the Redskins move back into the city, and Fenty tries pulling this shit again. He does that, the council is going to go medieval on his ass. Because it doesn't matter who you are or how much power you think you wield, you don't fuck around with people's Redskins tickets.

The Nationals lose! The Nationals lose! Oh, my God, the Nationals lose!

It was a beautiful, 70 degree day!

It was the first Saturday home game of the season!

It was...virtually a ghost town at Nationals Park!

Well, "ghost town" being relative. I mean, there were several thousand people there. But there could have been several thousand more. I guess it's possible that between the Caps playoff game at the Verizon Center and the first round of the NBA playoffs (on television; not at the Verizon Center, thanks to your 19-63 Wizards), D.C. sports fans had other priorities, but I'm more inclined to think people just don't give a rat's ass about the Nationals, and won't until they start playing better. And by "better," I mean not blowing a three run lead in the 9th inning, as they did today.

Anyway, a few random thoughts:

-- There's a good reason why baseball doesn't have cheerleaders. That hasn't stopped the Nationals from assembling "The Nat Pack," though, the pep squad that shoots T-shirts into the crowd and appears on the high-def screen giving away free pizza, upgrading people's seats, etc. The thing is, the girls in the Nat Pack all looked really young, which makes the mini-skirts the team forces them to wear sort of...weird. I kept waiting for Dateline to show up.

-- I can't believe a year after it opened, the stadium is still called Nationals Park. Seriously, there's no corporation out there that wants to throw a few million dollars the team's way for the naming rights? Is that because of the economy or because no company wants its name associated with the Nationals?

-- I don't get why people have a problem with grown men bringing their gloves to ball games. Even a cynic like me thinks it's kind of cool that someone can be 30, 40, 50, whatever, and still have the hope that they end up catching a home run or foul ball. I went to a baseball game when I was a kid, and a friend of mine actually caught a home run. At the time, I thought he was lucky, but now I'm not so sure. I mean, what does he have to look forward to now?

-- Ever wondered what happens when a professional baseball player drops an easy--and I mean easy--pop fly ball? I always have. And today, I found out. People boo. Loudly. Mystery solved!

-- Speaking of booing, Nats fans really seem to hate Elijah Dukes. I wonder why.

Panel of the Week

From Green Lantern Corps #35:

The Nationals win! The Nationals win! Oh, my God, the Nationals win!

I wasn't at the game tonight, where the Nationals won their first game of the season (the last team in the league to do so), nor did I watch it on TV. But I imagine that it ended the same way Major League did, with the players embracing one another, excited fans rushing onto the field, and Josh Bard's ex-girlfriend showing him her ringless finger, and him hoisting her onto his shoulders. Or something like that.

I'm actually a little disappointed, because I'm going to the Nats game on Saturday, and I was hoping that they'd put off winning until then. Or in the very least, keep losing, so that one day, I could tell my grandchildren about how I was there when the Nats became the first winless team in MLB history. Ah, well.

Clearly the team sucks. Really sucks. And tonight aside, it's probably going to keep on sucking. And Manny Acta is probably going to get fired. Which is a shame, because he seems like a decent enough guy, and more importantly, I just like saying "Manny Acta." Try it. It's fun.

Seeing a team like the Nats struggle, though, it makes you realize just how silly most sports movies are, where a horrible team can vastly improve with only grit and determination and believing in themselves. Or even better grit, determination, believing in themselves, and...a kid!

A kid who knows the game so well, he can become a big league manager. Or a kid who breaks his arm and somehow becomes an ace pitcher (I'm not entirely convinced the science in that film was accurate). Or a kid who can talk to angels and get them to cheat for his team.

In the early 90s, Hollywood had this weird fascination with movies about kids and baseball. No, I don't get it, either.

Still, if I were Acta, and I had the limited player resources he does, why not give movies a shot? Phil Jackson has long spliced clips from movies into motivational films to show his teams, and he's done pretty good.

Maybe if the Nats watch Major League enough times, they'll actually start to believe they, too, can go from worst to first. Just show the first Major League, though. Major League 2 sucks ass, and Major League: Back to the Minors is actually a lot better than people give it credit for, but I don't think you want the players thinking about being sent down to the minors.

Or hell, maybe you do. I'll bet Lastings Milledge gets his shit together pretty fast.

Regardless, something has to be done. If the Lerners won't spring for an A-list free agent, or sign our top draft picks, in the very least, maybe they'll spring for movie night.

Teabaggers teabagging

If we're making a list of the least proud days in the history of Washington, D.C., it goes something like this:

1) 1/19/90: Mayor Marion Barry immortalizes the phrase, "Bitch set me up!" after being busted with crack in a motel room.

2) 11/8/94: Former mayor and convict Marion Barry is re-elected mayor by D.C. voters, providing a really super argument against the concept of home rule.

3) 4/15/09: Teabaggers descend on D.C., try and throw a really big tantrum, but have to settle for throwing a little one. (A very little one.)

I spent about an hour hanging out at Lafayette Square today, taking in the freak show. And it was a freak show. A badly organized freak show, with a horrible PA system, lots of wingnuts, and a disturbingly high number of kids who were apparently pulled out of school for this, and after today, probably need those imaginary re-education camps the Republicans keep shouting about.

But you know, as tempting (and easy) as it would be to just bash them, I'd rather praise them. A few of them, anyway. For their creativity, not their politics.

Pretty much anyone could make a really shitty, unimaginative sign. And most of them did. Like so:

Not only is it totally unimaginative, but the way it goes from all caps to lowercase, back to all caps, really drives my OCD fucking crazy. Seriously, dude, either use proper capitalization or go all caps, but mixing the two is just mean to people like me. And you may not care that I was tortured, but OCD doesn't just affect liberals, so I guarantee there were some distressed conservatives there, too.

But there were also some signs that were quite good. So, counting down...

5)

I like the word balloon idea. It's creative and draws attention in a sea of square cardboard signs. The only improvement I would have made would have been for Word Balloon 1 to ask a question (say, "Is this the kind of govt what our Founding Fathers wanted?"), and Word Balloon 2 to answer it ("Hell no!").

4)

Eight years of the Bush administration, and Obama is the one shredding the Constitution? Whatever. But clearly, a lot of hard work went into it.

3)

This one's gotten a fair amount of media attention. I think a couple of people have claimed it's racist somehow, but I don't get it. It's Obama. It's Urkel. It's funny.

2)

I'm not going to lie. I hate protests, but I love a good protest prop. This one is bold. It makes a statement. It just screams...tea! Yeah! TEA! I love it.

1)

I don't care what your political affiliation is. This is fucking hilarious. Well done, wingnut! When the day comes that Obama makes his fascist dictatorship official, I can promise you'll have a place in the empire's Ministry of Propaganda.

The D.C. Emergency Zombie Attack Plan

A couple of weeks ago, there was some sort of mini-crisis downtown, where there were a lot of cop cars and fire engines and street closures. I didn't know what was going on--nor did I ever find out--but of course, my mind immediately went to one place: zombies.

I've often thought about what would happen if a zombie attack broke out in D.C. A real, end-of-life-as-we-know-it zombie attack, ala Night of the Living Dead. Not a 28 Days Later-type situation that's eventually brought under control. (Yes, I know, 28 Days Later isn't technically a zombie film. But it's close enough that I get annoyed that horror geeks always feel the need to point this fact out.)

Obviously, there are numerous how-to-survive a zombie attack hints and tips out there. The most important one, I think, is the need to check everyone in your group of survivors for bites every hour or so. Because there's always going to be one motherfucker who gets bitten and instead of doing the right thing and just tells you to put a bullet in his brain, he'll keep it a secret until he turns into a zombie and attacks you.

But given its unique geography and dozens of other factors, I think D.C. needs its own specific set of guidelines for a zombie attack.

1) Stay Away From the White House

Depending on where you are in the city, it might occur to you to seek shelter in the most heavily protected building in D.C. Don't. Even if you can avoid the zombies in all that open ground around the White House, you probably won't get anywhere near the building, because from a certain distance (say, the range of a Secret Service assault rifle) it's hard to tell the difference between a zombie and a person.

But even if you do make it to the gate, the guards aren't going to let you in. You might be infected. You might be a terrorist. They don't know. By that point, they've probably accepted the fact that they're going to die. So do you think they're going to care if you make it? All you'll be able to do is wave to the Obamas as they're evacuated on Marine One, before the zombies swarm over you.

2) Metro Doesn't Open Doors

In every group of survivors, there's going to be at least one genius who says, "Hey! Let's find a Metro station and just walk through the tunnels to Virginia or Maryland!"

Bad idea. The only way attempting to escape via Metro tunnels makes any sense is if the zombie outbreak occurs in the middle of the night when the Metro is closed and there's no one on the tracks. But if it happens during the day, the Metro will be filthy with commuters and tourists. All it takes is one zombie to get on board a crowded train, and everyone on it will soon be zombies themselves.

So if you head down into a Metro station to get away from the zombies on the streets, you're going to run into several thousand more of them underground. And at that point, regardless of the WMATA's warnings, there will be eating on the platform.

3) Resist Authority

There's obviously no shortage of egomaniacs in D.C. If your group runs into one, they'll probably try and take charge. Are you really going to trust some lobbyist or politician or media figure when it comes to zombies? If you're stupid enough to listen to someone like David Gregory or Jack Evans, you're as good as dead.

There's only one well-known figure in D.C. I'd trust my life to when the zombies come: Jim Vance. You give fucking Jim Vance a shotgun and do what he says, and you're getting through this, it's as simple as that.

4) Embrace Your 2nd Amendment Rights

Fortunately, the Supreme Court--the conservative half of it, anyway--has also evidently spent time pondering scenarios involving zombies, hence the legalization of guns in D.C. last year.

Unfortunately, as a single gun store has yet to open in the city, they're still in short supply in D.C. Ideally, you were maintaining your own weapons cache in preparation for this day, but if you're caught off-guard, don't panic. First of all, look for a zombie police office or soldier, and try and take his gun. But if all else fails, head for Southeast. There are plenty to be found there, although I'm guessing that in some of the worse neighborhoods, the residents there are going to be especially adept at shooting zombies, so you're going to have to negotiate with them. Bring along some valuables you looted from stores along the way.

5) Let's Go to the Mall

One of the reasons Dawn of the Dead endures as arguably the greatest zombie movie ever made is that everyone can relate to its premise. Faced with overwhelming odds, the survivors didn't waste time trying to find a cure or look for other survivors or anything. They just locked themselves inside a shopping mall.

All things being equal, it's not a bad plan. You may want to do the same. Not just any mall will do, though. Here are some D.C. area malls worth heading for:

White Flint: Borders and Dave & Buster's? Who would even want to be rescued?

Georgetown Park: It only has a few entrances, so it'd be easy to fortify. And when you do decide to make a run for it, it's not that far to the Potomac, where you can hopefully commandeer a boat and sail away.

Tyson's Corner: It's big enough that hundreds of survivors could stay there without getting underfoot. Plus, even in the zombiepocalypse, you want to be near an Apple Store.

And here are some to avoid:

Pentagon City: At first glance, this might seem like a good mall to go to. And it does have an Apple Store. But the Metro station underneath would guarantee a steady stream of zombies trying to get in. Also, there's a good chance you'd be trapped with a bunch of annoying visiting high school students who were at the food court when the outbreak occurred.

Tyson's Galleria: Once the novelty of trying on all the expensive clothes and jewelry wears off, what is there to do?

Springfield Mall: Forget the zombies, you're likely to just get shot by some thug in the parking garage.

To sum up, the zombies are coming. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But it's just a matter of when. Having a good response plan is key if you want to make it out of the city...indeed, the region...alive.

Good luck, and keep an eye out for me on Z-Day. I'll be the one behind Jim Vance, armed to the teeth, heading for White Flint Mall, muttering about how I knew this day would come.

24: 1:00 a.m.-2:00 a.m

Thoughts:

-- How many times has Jack said "Trust me," to a president over the course of the series? By now, shouldn't there be an almost Pavlovian response where the president just automatically says, "Yes, Jack, of course."

-- So this whole plan was so that Starkwood could take over military operations for the country? Really? I mean...really? Pinky and the Brain would have been too embarrassed to come up with a plan like this. It's just too fucking goofy to be taken seriously.

-- What the fuck? At first, I thought the guy who tackled Tony from behind was the black dude who went off to check the perimeter. But then I realized it was the guy who Tony knocked out, who was apparently playing possum underneath the tanker. So, two questions: First, what was the point of showing the guard go off to check the perimeter if he's not going to be shown again, and second, if you're the guard Tony knocked out, are you really going to pretend to be unconscious and just wait for him to come back instead of sounding the alarm?

-- The blonde I was wondering about a few weeks ago just burst through the door to arrest Jonas, so I guess she's a Secret Service agent after all.

-- "I'm just a small cog in a very big machine." So there's someone above Jonas? I mean, the show does this sort of fake-out every year, where the bad guy at the start of the season is just a pawn of the real bad guy, but I can't recall them ever doing it times two.

-- I'm not really wild about Jack's, "You don't know what I'm going through, I'm dying, blah, blah, blah," speech. Jack Bauer should go out stoically, not like a whiny bitch.

-- KIM!

-- Say, is Kim one of those hallucinations the doctor was telling Jack about? Because Kim isn't sounding particularly Kim-like. Seriously, though Jack, take the fucking cure. No one's watching this show to see you limping around FBI headquarters while Tony's out doing all the shooting and ass-kicking.

-- Oh, so there's the guy who was checking the perimeter.

-- And that's why I could never be in the FBI. If I ever had a dangerous, highly-trained soldier at gunpoint, rather than give him a chance to take me out, I'd probably go ahead and shoot him in the back, just to be on the safe side.

-- Holy. Fucking. Shit. I did not see that coming. This season just totally redeemed itself.

Jack's confirmed kills: 0 (25 for the season)

Jack's Words of Wisdom: "Kim, I'm dying."

Overall grade: A

Dating for D.C. Dummies

Another Sunday, another Date Lab. Will this couple find happiness? No, of course not. It's fucking Date Lab. Romeo and Juliet wouldn't have hit it off if Date Lab had set them up.

Eric: I thought, Cute girl. She's blond, and I usually end up dating brunettes, but I'm not going to judge based on that.

Huh. Interesting. Eric must not have read Date Lab before. Otherwise, he'd know that the typical Date Lab response to seeing someone who doesn't fit your image of the ideal mate is to completely write him or her off before you even order dinner.

Not coincidentally, most of the people who participate in Date Lab will undoubtedly end up dying alone.

She works for a [nonprofit organization] that does analysis of media outlets. They're progressive and basically watch things like Fox News and see what [Sean] Hannity is saying that is dumb.

Isn't that basically the same job description as "staff writer for The Daily Show" or "unemployed Daily Kos diarist"? I knew there are some weird nonprofits in this city, but you can get paid for sitting around and making fun of Fox News? Jesus, no wonder people kill themselves for those jobs.

Dianna: We both got comfortable fast, and I think it had a lot to do with losing butterflies. There wasn't a physical attraction. [His age] had a lot to do with it. Eric is in his first job out of college and in a new area, and also he was considering going back to school. I go for people a little older, early 30s. They're a little more settled, more sure of themselves. I'm the kind of person that believes that the attraction has to be instant. I think he [also felt the friend vibe].

Ah, there we go. That's the typical Date Lab response.

I wish the Post would start covering this in their Date Lab questionnaire, because frankly, it's getting tiresome to read almost every week.

Deciding from the get-go that there's no attraction and that's all there is to it is sort of like a football game where one of the teams decides it's not going to play any offense. Surely, I'm not the only guy in the world who has met someone and not been instantly attracted to her, but gradually became so as time progressed. And I'm not even talking about needing alcohol, either.

Eric: I don't really understand people who talk about a "friend zone." I usually end up dating close friends.

I think all single women should contact the Post and ask for Eric's contact information, because he might very well be the smartest person ever to be featured in the column.

I'd give [the date] a 4 out of a 5. I don't think [we'll see each other again]. The maybe-we-should-do-this-again didn't seem too genuinely sincere -- on both of our parts.

Only in Date Lab (or is that, only in D.C.?) can a date rated 4 out of 5 not be considered worthy of a second date. And yet it happens with alarming frequency. For a bunch of people who turned to the Washington Post to find them a date, they can be awfully demanding.

Special Announcement: Do you find mental gymnastics a little bit sexy? Adventure irresistible? Regular dates a drag? If so, we'll try to match you with a like-minded, puzzle-loving love interest to tackle The Washington Post Hunt on May 17.

Right, I'm going to go ahead and pencil in a Dating for D.C. Dummies piece for next month, because if two people have a hard time connecting over dinner, there's no way a first date combined with the stress of competition and puzzle-solving can possibly end well.

Talking Comics: Comics getting better, Barry Allen and the Warlord return, and what happens to the Daily Planet?

- Slowly, but surely--and this could easily change at any moment--I'm starting to enjoy reading comics again.

I'm not sure if it's the quality of comics that ebbs and flows, my interest in reading them, or a combination of the two, but recently, I've been looking forward to Wednesdays a lot more than I have been. With Final Crisis now in the rear view mirror, the DCU is moving forward; Vertigo, while still a far cry from its glory days of the 90s, is producing some consistently entertaining stuff (Air, Young Liars, Haunted Tank, etc.) and for the first time I can recall, there's a strong line-up of good horror comics (Walking Dead, Hack/Slash, and Crossed, among others).

There's still a lot of room for improvement, but all things being equal, this is not a bad time to be a comic book fan.

- April sees the return of two classic DC characters.

The Flash: Rebirth #1

Dan DiDio likes Silver Age characters. Or more likely, he likes characters who have easy-to-explain origins that are more suitable for movies than their more modern versions. So after DC brought Green Arrow and Green Lantern back from the dead, it was only a matter of time until the Flash joined them. And after years of teasing it, when they finally pulled the trigger last year and announced that Geoff Johns and Ethan Van Sciver would be re-teaming to bring Barry Allen back, I wasn't expecting very much.

It actually hasn't been that bad.

Barry was one of the few high points of Final Crisis, and the first issue of Rebirth is pretty strong. Usually, DC only waits a couple of years to bring back a dead character, but with Barry, it's been almost 25 years (God only knows how long in DCU time), so it's interesting to see him having to readjust to a world that's gotten by without him for a long time.

The real problem is that DC now has a serious credibility problem when it comes to death, and it's something they need to address. If you're going to tell these big, epic stories revolving around themes like life, death, sacrifice, and so on, it really hurts those stories if death is only temporary. Forget even the big characters. We all know that Batman and the Martian Manhunter (both currently dead) are coming back. But it'd be nice if, before a writer brings back some minor character who hasn't been missed in the least, they'd stop for a moment and think, "Do I really need to do this?" Because nine times out of ten, the answer would probably be no.

The Warlord #1

I have an almost-complete run of the original Warlord series from the 70s and 80s. And every time I go through my collection in one of my periodic purges of comics I know I'm never going to read again, I come close to tossing them, but I can never bring myself to do it.

I've never been a huge fan of fantasy, but the Warlord, a series about an Air Force pilot who crashes his plane into a world beneath the Earth, where the sun never sets, dinosaurs roam the land, and people fight with swords while wearing very little clothing, was a lot of fun. DC tried an absolutely wretched relaunch a couple of years ago, that was about as unreadable as any comic in recent memory, and mercifully and quickly canceled, so it's good to see them correct that mistake.

I have no idea how accessible the first issue would be to someone who had never read a Warlord comic before, but for anyone who's missed Skartaris, it was a welcome return. Plus, Mike Grell artwork! That alone is worth the cost of the comic.

- Every few years, DC feels the need to go back and tweak Superman's origin. I've never really been sure why. No other character in comics seems to get that sort of treatment. Besides, while John Byrne may not be the most popular guy in comics these days, I thought he pretty much nailed it with The Man of Steel back in the 80s. But that gave way to Birthright, which will in turn give way to the upcoming Superman: Secret Origin.

But with the entire newspaper industry teetering on the brink of collapse, I'm wondering how DC will handle the Daily Planet issue the next time they revisit Superman's origin. How can Clark Kent still be a newspaper reporter if newspaper reporters are a thing of the past (or at least, on the verge of becoming so)? Will he go to work for DailyPlanet.com? Or Metropolisist.com? Or just start his own blog?

You know, plenty of attention has been paid to trivial things like widespread media job losses and how journalism in America would undoubtedly suffer if newspapers went under. But has anyone given any thought whatsoever about the effect an industry collapse would have on comic book characters? I doubt it.

Panel of the Week

From Young Liars #14:

Powerball

The thought electrified Southeast Washington all day: In the produce aisle, at the pharmacy counter or perhaps near the breakfast sausages, a newly minted multimillionaire could be lurking.

"Is it you?" grandmothers asked each other as they stood in the ever-growing line for lottery tickets, gripping their stacks of Scratchers, Hot Lotto tickets and Keno cards at the neighborhood's Alabama Avenue Giant Food supermarket. (Washington Post)

"The ever-growing line for lottery tickets"? The day after someone won the jackpot? Seriously?

I've always had mixed feelings about the lottery. I'll play it occasionally. Only when the jackpot gets over $200 million, though. After all, I'm not going to mess around for a paltry $100 million. If for no other reason than that I have a hard time saying no to people, so after my family, friends, and total strangers bombarding me with their hard-luck stories got through with me, I'd be broke. So I figure I need to win at least $200 million to have anything left over once the vultures had gotten their share out of me.

But more and more often, it seems like you see these poor idiots--almost always elderly, almost always poor--throwing their money away on the daily lottery drawings. Lots of money. Like, $20 a day, every day.

And now people are lining up at the same Giant that sold a winning Powerball? Why? In case there's some magic pixie dust leftover from the winning ticket? I mean, I'm as stupidly superstitious as the next irrational person, but come on.

(I'm especially superstitious when it comes to Redskins games. I, uh...heh...don't want to brag or anything...but I'm fairly certain that I'm responsible for at least half of Jason Campbell's touchdown passes last season. See, if I'm watching the game on TV, and wearing a Redskins jersey, and sitting in my chair in this really precise position, the Redskins almost always seem to score! So it occurs to me that that the way I sit might somehow influence whether or not...okay, you know, what? Forget it. Never mind. I see that look on your face. It's the same one my mom gave me when I was seven and told her that I'd seen a car pass us on the highway that didn't have a driver, just like on Knight Rider. Which, by the way, I DID SEE. I'm not necessarily saying it was a car with a super-intelligent computer brain or anything, like KITT. It could have been an invisible man. Or a ghost. Look, how the fuck should know? I was seven. But I did see it.)

Where was I? Oh, yeah.

Here's the quote that at first, I agreed with and was fine with, but the more and more I think about it, I'm not fine with:

"But we need this for D.C., for the winner to come from our neighborhood," Hilliard said. "It's always someone from somewhere else. But whoever it is, I hope it's someone who is from our neighborhood, has worked for a long time, deserves it and will enjoy it."

On one hand, yeah, you like to think it'll be someone deserving. Someone from that area who needs the money. A single mom with three kids. Or a guy who was just laid off from his job. But the thing is, if that turns out to be the case, it'll just encourage more people to make the trek out to that Giant, as if it's some sort of holy shrine, and piss their money away.

So you know what? I hope the winner turns out to be some hipster who was just passing through the area on his way back home in Adams Morgan or Prince George's. Sure, it'll piss people in Southeast off for a while. But on the bright side, they might be less likely to buy into some stupid fairy tale that they're just six numbers away from never having to work again.

Geekgasm

Gerry Conway is writing comics again!

The Last Days of Animal Man #1 (OF 6)

Written by Gerry Conway; Art by Chris Batista and Dave Meikis; Cover by Brian Bolland

Is Buddy Baker losing it all? Everyman hero Buddy Baker has fought hard for our world, and for his family. But by the year 2024, the Earth has seen better days: The heroes are growing tired, the villains have grown nastier and Buddy's own hometown of San Diego has struggled for years to recover from a cataclysmic typhoon. His children have grown and his marriage has gotten colder… and now, as San Diego faces the most vicious Super-Villain it's seen in years, his powers are starting to fail him! Without his powers, without his family – who is Buddy Baker? Can he still be a husband? Can he still be a father? Can he still be Animal Man? And more importantly, can he even survive the bloodthirsty plan his arch-rival's progeny has in store for him?

Comics legend Gerry Conway (TV's Law and Order) makes his return to DC with this can't-miss miniseries

Apparently, this is old news, having been announced back in February. (This shows how often I read CBR and Newsarama these days.) But I hadn't heard about it until Conway himself tweeted about it today.

Gerry Conway used to be my favorite comic book writer. He created Firestorm. His run on Justice League of America is among the all-time best. Back when I used to (reluctantly) read Marvel comics as a kid, his Spider-Man was one of the few things that I could enjoy without being versed in decades of Marvel continuity.

And now, not only is he back, but he's doing a DCU project that actually sounds...interesting? Such a bizarre concept, these days.

An open letter to Kal Penn

Dear Mr. Penn,

I don't watch House that much anymore. So your decision to leave the show doesn't really affect me one way or the other. Actually, I initially saw your departure as a good thing, thinking you were now free to make another one of your delightful Harold & Kumar films. And don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to pigeonhole you into stoner roles, either. I thought you were fantastic in The Namesake.

So imagine my surprise--shock and awe, really--when I saw this today:

I understand it was your decision to leave House. True?

KAL PENN: Yes. I was incredibly honored a couple of months ago to get the opportunity to go work in the White House. I got to know the President and some of the staff during the campaign and had expressed interest in working there, so I'm going to be the associate director in the White House office of public liaison. They do outreach with the American public and with different organizations. They're basically the front door of the White House. They take out all of the red tape that falls between the general public and the White House. It's similar to what I was doing on the campaign.

Will you actually be working in the White House?

PENN: This particular office is in the executive building. The White House has two buildings: the actual White House and an old Navy building called the Old Executive Office. (Entertainment Weekly)

Uh...wow.

Look, Mr. Penn. I...wait, can I call you Kal? Kal, as much as I admire the willingness to give up a high-profile and high-paying TV gig to come work in D.C. for the Obama administration, I simply have to ask...are you out of your fucking mind, dude?

With all due respect, I'm not sure you've really thought this thing through. I know the campaign was fun and all, and I was there at the Lincoln Memorial concert, so I know how excited you were to get up there and participate in that historical moment. But come on. You don't see your fellow celebrity Obama-boosters like Denzel Washington or Ron Howard or Beyonce ditching their lucrative showbiz careers to come work in Washington, do you? I mean, I had a great time at summer camp when I was a kid, but when I was grown up, I didn't decide to go back there and help run the place, you know?

Look, we have more than enough political types in D.C. without importing new ones from L.A. You know what the country is painfully short on, though? Good actors who can effortlessly switch back-and-forth between comedic and dramatic roles. Also, it's obvious you're something of an idealist. Do you know what happens to idealists in this city? They very quickly become disillusioned and pessimistic and sometimes develop drug and alcohol problems. You can develop a drug or alcohol problem without leaving L.A.! (Speaking of which, in L.A., if you're caught with a gram of coke or a dead hooker or whatever, you just apologize, go on Leno, give an interview to People, and you're done. In D.C., you'll actually get in trouble for that sort of thing, (unless you have the juice to get it covered up).)

Besides, actors and D.C. simply don't mix. Remember how the cast of The West Wing actually seemed to start thinking of themselves as politicos, and how annoying it got whenever they'd go on TV and try to talk politics? Don't go down that road, Kal.

It's not too late. Call up the producers of House and tell them you've changed your mind. They can...I dunno...say that the body they found was actually Kutner's twin brother. Or clone. Yeah, go with clone. That's not any weirder than half the other shit that show tries to pass off as science. But right now, America needs another Harold & Kumar film more than it does another White House staffer.

But if I can't talk you out of it...well, welcome to D.C., I guess. Just remember, this is an easily star-struck town, so get used to people shouting, "Yo, Kumar, what up?" when they see you walking down the street. And by "people," I mean me.

Your new neighbor,

Scotus

24: 12:00 a.m.-1:00 a.m

Thoughts:

-- I wonder, how much do you have to get paid that when your boss tells you to train your assault rifle on a team of FBI agents, you actually do it? I think my price would be $100,000 a year plus benefits and a decent matching 401(k) contribution, which, frankly, even in the current job market, I don't think is all that unreasonable. Plus, having seen every episode of this show, I would have been able to recognize that lame ruse Larry pulled off. Any takers?

-- Heh. "We're pretty exposed here." What a horrible choice of words on when speaking with Jack.

-- As awesome as Aaron is, I very much doubt the Secret Service is going to let one semi-retired agent with his arm in a sling protect the president's daughter/chief of staff all by himself.

-- Two questions: 1) In real life, do D.C. reporters ever blackmail hot political aides into having sex in exchange for keeping a story a secret? 2) If so, can D.C. bloggers get in on that action?

-- I don't blame you, Jack. If Kim were my daughter, I'd rather die than see her again, too.

-- Okay, the president may need convincing, but Jack and the FBI know for a fact that Starkwood has the bio weapons. So if the attack simply hinges on Jack being able to verify that the canisters are on the premises, what stopped Jack and the FBI from just waiting five minutes and saying, "Hey, Madam President, good news, I see them. Send in the troops," without going through the hassle of sending Tony in?

-- You know in movies and TV shows when Character X records Character Y saying or doing something incriminating, and then smugly waves the tape recorder or cell phone or whatever in Character Y's face? Why the fuck doesn't Character Y ever just grab it? Also, where can I get a cell phone that can record that much video?

-- So now Jon Voight is aiming missiles at cities on the eastern seaboard? When did he become Hank Scorpio? This season is making less and less sense.

Jack's confirmed kills: 0 (25 for the season)

Jack's Words of Wisdom: "Right now, I'm fine, Madam President. Thank you for asking."

Overall grade: C+

Semi-Pro

How great was the first ever D.C. Armor indoor football game played at home last night?

Okay, think about the best sporting event you've ever been to. Maybe it was a really great game you went to in college. Maybe it was your first time seeing your favorite pro team in person. Maybe it was even seeing the Giants upset the Patriots in the Super Bowl, or Michael Phelps win his eighth gold medal at the Olympics last summer, or Ali beating Joe Frazier in Manila.

This was so much better than all of them.

And the reason it was so great had very little to do with anything that actually happened on the field. The whole event had a hokey, circus-like atmosphere. It was professional sports done on a shoestring budget. Ideas that would get someone fired and barred from the building at Redskins Park were evidently embraced wholeheartedly by the Armor. And it was awesome.

Here's the recap:

-- When we got off the Metro at the Stadium-Armory station, we were surprised at how big the crowd was. There was even a scalper on the sidewalk offering to buy extra tickets. "Holy crap," I thought, "this is an incredible turnout! Thank God I got the tickets ahead of time instead of trying to buy them at the door!"

Then I realized the United were playing at RFK, right next door. The Armory was practically empty. Which was obviously bad for the Armor, but great for the fans.

-- The team's mascot was a knight. Not just any knight. A knight on loan from goddamn Medieval Times. Yes! That Medieval Times! So he'd go back and forth between rallying support for the team and shilling for his other employer.

-- The woman who served as the on-field announcer, introducing people like the cheerleaders and a so-called "special guest" from the D.C. Sports and Entertainment Commission (no one from the D.C. Sports and Entertainment Commission should ever be referred to as a special guest) and handling all the contests fans played to win stuff throughout the game, had a nearly-indecipherable Southern accent, and was a big fan of the word "uh."

-- The Armor's head coach would occasionally start dancing on the field when there was a slow moment. When's the last time Zorn did that?

-- The guy running the clock seemed to have dozed off and left it running after an incomplete pass once or twice. (At first I thought this may have been one of the many weird rules of indoor football, like how if the ball goes through the goal posts on a kick-off, the kicking team gets one point. But other times when there were incomplete passes, the clock was stopped.)

-- Pop quiz: Which team had more players booed during the introductions before the game?

A) The visiting team

B) The home team

If you said A, good guess, but wrong. Since this was the first home game, I'm not sure what some of the Armor's players did to draw the ire of their own fans, but I guess they're locals who are somewhat well-known and somewhat disliked by the people in the stands.

-- After a ball went off the field early in the game, the announcer informed the crowd that if you recovered a lost ball, you got to keep it. It very quickly became obvious that this was a terrible idea.

Not surprisingly, it was mainly little kids who would go after the balls, and they were fucking fighting over them. And because balls were constantly going out of bounds (there are no nets set up for extra points or field goals, so every kicked ball automatically becomes a souvenir), there were a lot of balls to fight over. It was like tossing bread crumbs into a group of hungry pigeons.

One of the first balls that went off the field, about five or six kids got there at the same time, and none of them would let go of it for a good minute or so. Another ball was kicked high into the stands, and a small kid was there all by himself to recover it, but an army of other kids kept rushing up the stairs towards him. If one of the parents hadn't shouted at them, they were going to jump him for it. There were about a dozen other scuffles after that one.

Another out-of-bounds pass came towards the stands, where a guy tried to catch the ball in one arm, while holding a baby in the other. He managed to do so, and received a round of applause from the relived crowd, that had been horrified just a moment before. (It was, sadly, the best reception of the entire night.)

This business with the balls is not a lawsuit waiting to happen. This is several lawsuits waiting to happen.

-- You know the cheerleaders in The Replacements? The Armor cheerleaders weren't that explicit, but there did seem to be a lot more...er...gyrating than you typically see from dancers in your more high-profile sports leagues.

Also, since there were no sidelines, when not on the field dancing, the cheerleaders were forced to stand on the public walkway around the field where fans could walk right by them, talk to them, leer, whatever.

-- As for the game itself, it was surprisingly good. I mean, not good in the technical football sense. But certainly, it was entertaining. Neither team is in any danger of losing any of their players to the NFL, but that's part of the charm. At one point, the Reading Express had something like three botched snaps in a row. There were multiple sacks. There were even more penalties, especially of the off-sides variety.

But the players were surprisingly into it. I would have thought there'd be a certain lethargy; a sort of, "Fuck it, it's just semi-pro ball" attitude. But the players were easily as enthusiastic as those on any NFL team. More importantly, the fans were into it. I probably had as much fun watching this game as I did the last Redskins game I went to, all for about a quarter of the cost. I highly encourage anyone who loves football--or at least, a good sideshow--to check out a game. I'm definitely going to go to at least a couple more this season. The June 6th game against the Baltimore Mariners should be really good, assuming some Baltimorons make the trip down.

If I had one suggestion for the Armor, it would be this: Don't take yourself too seriously, and don't do anything to "class up" the current D.C. Armor experience. If anything, make it even more absurd. More anything goes. People generally aren't going to be motivated to come out and watch indoor football played by a bunch of guys they've never heard of, but they'll come out in droves to watch a real-life version of the Flint Tropics.

Parsing Redskin

From the Washington Post's account of yesterday's undoubtedly awkward sit-down between Jason Campbell, Jim Zorn, Dan Snyder, and Vinny Cerrato:

Encouraged after his meeting yesterday with Washington Redskins owner Daniel M. Snyder, quarterback Jason Campbell said he has put aside his frustration about the team's pursuit of Jay Cutler and is determined to become "the type of quarterback Mr. Snyder wants."

The Optimist's Interpretation: "Obviously, I have some things I need to work on if I want to stay in Washington beyond this season. But I'm determined to do so, because I love the team, my fellow players, the area, and the fans."

The Pessimist's Interpretation: "I'm going to make that fucking midget and his hand puppet of a VP sorry they ever contemplated getting rid of me. When they come to me with an offer for a new contract, I'm going to tell them to take whatever figure they're offering, double it, and add a zero. And they're going to do it."

Snyder called the meeting to clear the air about the team's attempts to replace Campbell, Washington's starter for the last 2 1/2 seasons, and attempt to move forward toward the upcoming season.

The Optimist's Interpretation: "Look, Jason, I want to make it perfectly clear that this was nothing personal. We saw an opportunity and felt we had to go for it. It was purely a business decision."

The Pessimist's Interpretation: "Look, Jason, this whole thing is your fault. If you were a better player, we wouldn't have had to go after Cutler. Don't be shocked when we take Mark Sanchez in the draft."

"I expressed myself, Dan expressed himself and we just spoke honestly about the whole situation," Campbell said.

The Optimist's Interpretation: "Even though he normally insists on being called Mr. Snyder, he said to call him Dan as a sign of our strengthened relationship."

The Pessimist's Interpretation: "I'm calling him Dan in public because I know how much it'll piss him off."

In addition to Washington's trade talks with Denver, a high-ranking Redskins official contacted another NFL team Wednesday about the possibility of trading Campbell for a second-round pick in the upcoming draft, one NFL source said.

The Optimist's Interpretation: Another team took a stab at getting Campbell, overestimating how much strife there would be between Campbell and the front office in the wake of all the trade rumors.

The Pessimist's Interpretation: Every other team in the NFL knows how retarded Vinny Cerrato is, and figured they could get a proven quarterback for only a second round draft pick, and maybe some magic beans.

"We met with Jason today and had a candid discussion," the statement read. "We told Jason that when Jay Cutler became available we, like many other NFL teams, spoke with the Broncos. We are all on the same page and we are moving forward."

The Optimist's Interpretation: "We are all on the same page and we are moving forward."

The Pessimist's Interpretation: "We all fucking hate each other. Mr. Snyder and I can't wait until a year from now when we can dump Campbell, fire Zorn, and go back to wondering why no one likes or respects us."

Panel of the Week

From Seaguy: Slaves of Mickey Eye #1:

Guest Blogger Dan Snyder

You'll have to excuse me if I'm not my usual jubilant self today. I'm a bit down at the moment. This is, after all, the worst day of my entire life.

Okay, that's not entirely true. It's not worse than the first time the Seahawks beat us in the playoffs. It's not worse than the day Sean Taylor died. It's not worse than...actually, you know what? This is worse than 9/11. Much, much worse.

(The head of Redskins PR just stuck his head in my office and asked me to clarify that, in fact, today is not worse than 9/11. But it is.)

Unless you've been living under a rock this past week in general, and today in particular, you're aware that the Redskins have been pursuing Broncos quarterback Jay Cutler. Yeah, I know. We said we weren't. We lied. We do that.

And at several points, we thought we were going to get him, too. We were working the phones all day, trying to make something happen. Vinny was on the phone with the Broncos. My other guys were talking with other NFL teams, trying to work out some sort of multi-team trade, if need be.

Me, I was going back and forth between Mike Shanahan and Jim Zorn. I was trying to hire Shanahan to coach the Redskins next season if we got Cutler, all the while, assuring Zorn that I was in no way, shape, or form trying to hire Shanahan to replace him. At one point, we had this great Three's Company-ish moment, where I had both of them on the line at the same time, and I thought I was speaking with Shanahan while Zorn was on hold, but it was actually Zorn I was speaking with, with Shanahan on hold! Caught, I asked myself, "Quick! What would Jack Tripper do right now?" So using a fake Indian accent, I said, "I am very sorry, sir, but I think you have the wrong number," and hung up. Zorn never called back, so I think he bought it.

Anyway, we thought we were in the running, and were completely blindsided earlier this evening when we found out that the Broncos made a deal with the Bears. We weren't getting Cutler after all. We'd lost.

Losing out on a player is something of a rare occurrence for me. In the past, whenever I've seen someone I want, I do whatever it takes to get them. Usually, this just involves throwing ridiculous amounts of money at them until they say yes, but when that isn't enough, I've been known to threaten their family members, too. That's how I got Gibbs to come back. (I had to threaten his family again to get him to leave.) Unfortunately, money wasn't an issue in this case, and the guy I use to break people's legs is on vacation, so my hands were tied.

For a while after the announcement, I just sat in my darkened office at Redskins Park, with a bottle of vodka and a loaded pistol on the desk in front of me. As I drank and thought about what we'd missed out on (not to mention, the thousands of Cutler Redskins jerseys I'd already ordered, which are now bound for a landfill), I put the gun to my temple, and was about to pull the trigger, when Vinny burst in and said, "Boss, don't do it!" So then I put the gun to Vinny's temple. Vinny started to cry. But by that point, the vodka had dulled the pain a bit, so I just put the gun away.

So what now? Well, we have a couple of options.

Plan A: According to news reports, the Bears and Broncos only have an agreement "in principle." What the fuck does that even mean? Is Cutler wearing a Bears jersey yet? No? That's the only "principle" that matters. Look, the Bears offer is bullshit. Two first round picks, a third round pick, and Kyle Orton? Please. I can top that with my eyes shut. Here's our last offer: We'll give the Broncos Jason Campbell, five first round picks, ten third round picks, and Kyle Orton. I know we don't have Kyle Orton. We're working on it.

Plan B: If Plan A falls through, I'd like to once again reiterate that at no point were the Redskins ever contemplating a trade for Jay Cutler. Jason Campbell is our quarterback, will be our quarterback next season, and we couldn't be more thrilled to have him. The fact that we haven't offered him a contract extension is simply so that he doesn't lowball himself by signing a deal worth far less than what he'll be due after next season, which we're sure will be just groovy.

That's our story and we're sticking to it.

War and Greenpeace activists

It's spring in D.C., which means the cherry blossoms are in bloom, the Nationals are making promises for the upcoming season they'll be unable to keep, and young, fresh-faced Greenpeace activists have taken to the city's streets to either (depending on your point of view) A) Change attitudes and behavior, and protect and conserve the environment and promote peace, or B) Mercilessly harass innocent pedestrians into giving them their money and contact information.

Christ knows why they do it. A strong sense of social responsibility, maybe. Or the bad economy and subsequent lack of proper employment. Or the mistaken belief that they can somehow make a difference. Whatever. Regardless of your motivation, if you're one such activist, what matters--what really matters--is this: Everyone hates you.

Not just people who don't care about the environment, either. I'm a Democrat. I care about the environment. But every time some Greenpeace kid waves me down when I just want to get from Point A to Point B, I feel like donating to the GOP and chanting, "Drill, baby, drill!"

Look, it's nothing personal. I'm sure when you're not wearing your green jacket and being an annoying pest, you're a perfectly nice person. And assuming you're not just the do-gooder type who's into this because you're on a crusade to save the world, but instead, are just doing it for the money, I can actually somewhat sympathize. The summer after my freshman year of college, I needed to get a job and didn't feel like working retail or food service. So I responded to a want ad in the Post, and went down to Eastern Market, where some organization...I want to say the Sierra Club, but I can't remember for sure...had an office. There was a group of us, and once there, I interviewed with a do-gooder type, watched a video about the environment, listened to a speech from another do-gooder type about how vital the organization was, and was told to report back the next morning, where for $5 an hour, we'd drive out to some Maryland suburb and go door to door, educating people about the importance of saving the environment.

I left and never came back. Instead, I decided retail wasn't so bad after all, and went on to make $8 an hour in a nice, air-conditioned store, as opposed to traipsing all over Maryland in the humidity, carrying a clipboard and bag lunch.

So if you're just doing it for the money, I feel for you. I still hate you. But I feel for you. But in the interest of being helpful, I'd like to make a few suggestions that I think will aid you in connecting with the people whose time you're attempting to waste, and whose money you're attempting to wrest away.

1) Be Hotter

One summer a couple of years ago, some activist group set up shop on the same block as my office building. Ordinarily, this would have been just one more headache to avoid on my way to and from lunch. Except there was this one activist who looked a lot like Miranda Kerr. I didn't even know who Miranda Kerr was at the time, but obviously, I could recognize that a girl who looked like Miranda Kerr was a very good thing.

Not just good for eye candy, either. Good for whatever group it was that she was representing, because it doesn't matter if you're male, female, single, married, gay, straight, whatever. This is going to get your attention:

Okay, she may not have said exactly that. But it's what I liked to imagine she was saying. If you, too, can elicit that type of raw, sexual response from people, you'll have a lot more success getting people to stop and talk to you.

Now, you might be thinking, "Scotus, I'd love to look like Miranda Kerr, and elicit raw, sexual responses from people. How can I make that happen?" How the fuck should I know? I can't do all the work for you. Figure it out. Miranda Kerr did.

2) Be Less Lame

I've had friends and family who I hadn't seen in months or even years greet me less happily than the average Greenpeace activist on the street does. "Hey, buddy!" "Hi, there!" "How would you like to help save the world?" "You like an environmentally-friendly fella!" This is what I've heard just in the past week.

At first, I tried to be polite: making eye contact, smiling, nodding, saying, "No, thanks, but good luck," etc. But after a while, it's just too much effort. So I don't make eye contact, I don't smile, I don't speak. I just keep walking.

There's no reason to be so fake and bubbly. Will not being fake and bubbly make me stop and talk to you? No, but still, act like you're a human being, not a used car salesman or trained monkey.

3) Be Amusing

You know a sure-fire way to get my attention? No, not by waving at me like an idiot. No, not by stepping in front of me and making me walk around you, either.

Learn a few entertaining tricks. After all, everyone loves street performers, and D.C. has so few good ones. Don't tell me you crunchy hippie bastards don't know how to play acoustic guitar. Juggling, mime, and dramatic readings are also acceptable forms of performance art. And don't forget magic. Especially the Penn and Teller-type stuff. Because I can't think of anything better than one Greenpeace activist throwing knives at another one. In fact, I'll make this offer right now: If one of you guys can catch a bullet in your teeth the way Teller once did, I'll donate $20 to Greenpeace. That seems fair, doesn't it?

Okay, look, will any of these suggestions work? No. Of course not. (Well, maybe the Miranda Kerr one, but to be honest, even if you could pull it off, for every interested donor who stopped and spoke with you about the environment, there'd be a dozen guys like me, just leering and using lame environmentally-themed pick-up lines, like "Hey, honey, I've got an environment you could save!" No, I have no idea what that means, either. But I guarantee you'd hear it.) The vast majority of people are still going to ignore you. The only question is whether they're going to do it in a halfway polite manner, or just ignore you.

The real answer, as it's always been, is that if you want to save the environment, forget working for Greenpeace as an activist. It'd a demeaning, dead-end job. Go to work for Exxon. Go to work for Fox News. Go to work for the federal government. That's how you're going to save the environment. From the inside.

But standing on the sidewalk with a clipboard and a stupid smile isn't going to accomplish jack shit, other than making people go out of their way to avoid talking to you. Seriously, hippies...and I know this is a bit of a cliche...but get a real job. You may not have as much time to smoke pot, eat granola, read Chomsky, practice your shamanic drumming, or whatever the hell it is you people do for fun, but you'll actually accomplish something. And more importantly, get paid a lot more for doing it.