Panel of the Week

From Zombie Tales #10:

Another great D.C. radio war begins

As a longtime D.C. radiophile, one of the things I used to love about listening to Don & Mike when I was a kid, back when they were on WAVA and early in their WJFK run, was their war with Jack Diamond.

This war was mostly one-sided, and typically went something like this: Don & Mike would trash Diamond mercilessly on the air for some jive thing he said or did, like making a big deal about buying toys for needy kids at Christmas. Diamond wouldn't rise to the bait on the air, but he would call up their program director and complain. The PD would then tell Don & Mike everything he'd said, who would then mock him some more. Then the whole feud would lie dormant for a few months until something happened to instigate it again. This eventually culminated in Jack Diamond calling up The Don & Mike Show and surrendering on the air, the radio equivalent of seppuku. Good times.

(The less said about the Don & Mike/Opie & Anthony War, the better. That one was like watching an older Muhammad Ali get pounded by Trevor Berbick.)

Today could very well witness the start of another great radio war, as Chad Dukes of The Big O & Dukes Show makes what is quite simply one of the best prank phone calls ever on Elliot Segal.

Now, I can't say I hate Elliot. I listen to him from time to time, and generally enjoy his show. But Big O & Dukes--and WJFK in general, these days--is on a totally different level, and really firing on all cylinders. And if you're not listening, you ought to be: 106.7 from 10 am-3pm, or online at WJFK.com.

Drab's gay.

Tales From the Netflix Crypt

This week's reviews: 100 Tears, Zombie Wars and Live Feed



100 Tears (2007)
Directed by Marcus Koch

Plot: Two reporters try and track down a killer clown wielding a particularly nasty axe. And I don't mean the body spray. (Rim shot)

Comments: If you like your horror films gory, this is a great, great, great movie. I can't remember the last time I've seen a horror film that revels in the amount of blood and guts it spills as much as this one does. (More impressively, the filmmakers don't let a low FX budget get in their way. Even if the gore doesn't always look 100% realistic, the scenes are shot enthusiastically enough that you're willing to let it slide.)

I've never been one of those people who finds clowns scary. Annoying, yes. But not scary. But Gurdy the clown (aka, The Teardrop Killer, hence the name of the film)? Scary as fuck. Scarier than Heath Ledger's Joker. Scarier than Pennywise. Scarier than all the Killer Klowns put together. Because unlike most horror movie clowns, he doesn't make a point of acting clownish. In fact, he doesn't say a word. He just goes around hacking and slashing.

And man, does he hack and slash. Whether he's slaughtering the residents of a halfway house or killing kids at a rave, it occurred to me that we never see the more famous horror movie slashers do something like this. Their kills tend to be spread out over the course of the film. You never see them take out about several people over the course of just a few minutes.

What really surprised me, though, is that the film actually has a pretty decent story behind it, aside from the standard "psycho killer who must be stopped" angle. I mean, you don't want to overanalyze a film where someone literally gets chopped into pieces on screen, but it does provide an interesting look at some pretty fucked up familial relationships.

This is one of those films that I really wish had a bigger budget behind it, in order to surmount whatever deficiencies there are in the FX or acting departments. Still, fun movie, creepy as hell, great gore. Check it out.

Script: B+
Acting: B-
Gore: A+
Overall: A-




Zombie Wars (2006)
Directed by David A. Prior

Plot: Zombies have taken over the planet, and have started to breed humans for food.

Comments: The acting is mostly terrible. The dialogue is abysmal. The heroes are irritating. But the film does have a certain USA Up All Night-ish charm to it that makes it at least somewhat entertaining.

The vast majority of zombie films are concerned only with the outbreak of the zombie plague. Very rarely do we see the aftermath, except in sequels to zombie films. Zombie Wars starts off years after the initial attack, where zombies roam the Earth and humans live in small militia camps, as they try and stay alive.

Only it turns out the zombies have camps, too, where they've started bringing humans to breed more humans to eat. The hero, about as bland as they come, is selected as one such breeder, and gets tossed into a cage with a hot, mute woman, at which point the film swerves suddenly into Planet of the Apes territory. I guess if you're going to steal, steal from the best.

I'm a zombie traditionalist. I like my zombies slow and mindless. So this whole "zombies using their brains" bit didn't sit well with me at first. But it's a twist on an old story, so I decided to roll with it. For the most part, it doesn't work, but there are a couple of nice touches, such as the zombies' propensity to eat any of the prisoners who get too noisy (which...I guess there's no such thing as "realism" when it comes to zombies, but it felt like something zombies would do). I don't say this very often about horror films, but this probably would have made a better book than a movie. There's just too much backstory to try and cram into a film, especially a low-budget one.

In general, this isn't a film worth seeing. But for die-hard zombie fans, it might warrant a look.

Script: C-
Acting: D+
Gore: B-
Overall: C-




Live Feed (2006)
Directed by Ryan Nicholson

Plot: A group of friends visiting China end up in a club (that's right, a club. Not a hostel. Got it?), where they're tortured for the entertainment of a rich businessman.

Comments: Given the timing of its release, I don't see how this can't be chalked up as a low budget Hostel rip-off. But that's not what bothers me. Hostel is a fantastic film. Why not rip it off? No, the problem is that Live Feed is a bad Hostel rip-off.

It starts off decently, as the kids take in the sights, and encounter a cute dog that's slaughtered right in front of them for food by a street vendor. Then they run into a few angry gang members, before finally ending up in some filthy underground sex club, where they fall into the clutches of some really bad people who proceed to kill them in some really horrible ways. Obviously, the Chinese Tourism Board didn't sign off on this film.

Story-wise, the film's pretty much a failure on every level, and the actors here make the ones in Zombie Wars look like Academy Award nominees. But the gore isn't half-bad. There's one really good shot where--and yes, I'm fully aware this sort of makes me sound like a misogynistic psychopath--a woman gets skewered in the breast, that's particularly effective. There's also a nice sequence where a man gets his head twisted off. But these moments are few and far between, and there are much better places to get a gore fix without having to sit through crap like this.

Oh, and at the end of the film, two cops show up, one Asian, one inexplicably white. So were they actually in Chinatown, as opposed to China? Was the director not able to scrounge up another Asian actor? Was this taking colorblind casting too far? I'm sort of hoping they make Live Feed 2, so we'll find out.

Script: D+
Acting: D-
Gore: B
Overall: D+

24: 5:00 p.m.-6:00 p.m

Thoughts:

-- What the fuck is the "Washington, D.C. Festival"? I take it from those banners and lack of recognizable geography that they didn't film the car chase in D.C. Hence the rather pathetic attempts to make it seem as though they are. A Washington, D.C. Festival does sound like fun, though.

-- Damn. Jack's complete and utter lack of concern for Marika's safety was cold. Even for him. But it resulted in one less character to follow this season, so I'm fine with it.

-- There was so much awesome contained in about a 60-second span just now. First, Jack threatens to kill Dubaku's son, and it's always fun when Jack starts threatening family members. Then he pulls his gun on an innocent paramedic (who, it must be said, handled it like a fucking champ). Finally, he sticks his fingers inside Dubaku to retrieve the drive.

-- After seven seasons, shouldn't Jack know not to just hand over the vitally important drive to some strange cop? For all Jack knew, that guy could have been the mastermind behind the whole thing.

-- I'm not buying the whole lovestruck mole bit. Unfortunately, Ever Carradine is starting to show her age a bit, but she's still hot enough to not have to betray her country in order to get a guy.

-- Ha! It's not often someone zings Jack, especially after he delivers a dramatic line like, "You ever pull your weapon on me again, you better intend to use it." But Renee's "I did" got it done. Then Jack seemed to try and think of a good comeback to that, but realized it was impossible.

-- It's a little weird that everyone is celebrating and acting like this is over. You can forgive people like President Taylor and Larry, since they've never experienced a 24 day. But surely, Jack and Bill and Chloe have noticed that only ten hours have passed, and know that it's not over yet.

Jack's confirmed kills: 1 (14 for the season)

Jack's Words of Wisdom: "We had a job to do. To protect the hundreds, if not thousands of innocent lives that would not have had a choice if we let a terrorist attack take place. What we did wasn't wrong. It was necessary."

Overall grade: A

Panel of the Week

From Hellblazer #252:

Oscar Picks

Best Picture

What will win: Slumdog Millionaire

What should win: Slumdog Millionaire

What shouldn't win: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
What would win if we weren't bound by The Man and his crap list of nominees: The Dark Knight

Best Director

Who will win: Danny Boyle

Who should win: Danny Boyle

Who shouldn't win: Stephen Daldry

Who would win if we weren't bound by The Man and his crap list of nominees: Christopher Nolan

Best Actor

Who will win: Sean Penn

Who should win: Mickey Rourke

Who shouldn't win: Brad Pitt

Who would win if we weren't bound by The Man and his crap list of nominees: Robert Downey Jr., Iron Man

Best Actress

Who will win: Kate Winslet

Who should win: Anne Hathaway

Who shouldn't win: Angelina Jolie

Who would win if we weren't bound by The Man and his crap list of nominees: Anne Hathaway

Best Supporting Actor

Who will win: Heath Ledger

Who should win: Heath Ledger

Who shouldn't win: Michael Shannon

Who would win if we weren't bound by The Man and his crap list of nominees: Heath Ledger

Best Supporting Actress

Who will win: Amy Adams

Who should win: Taraji P. Henson

Who shouldn't win: Marisa Tomei

Who would win if we weren't bound by The Man and his crap list of nominees: Taraji P. Henson

Best Original Screenplay

Who will win: Dustin Lance Black, Milk

Who should win: Martin McDonagh, In Bruges

Who shouldn't win: Mike Leigh, Happy-Go-Lucky

Who would win if we weren't bound by The Man and his crap list of nominees: Jenny Lumet, Rachel Getting Married

Best Adapted Screenplay

Who will win: Simon Beaufoy, Slumdog Millionaire

Who should win: Peter Morgan, Frost/Nixon

Who shouldn't win: Eric Roth and Robin Swicord, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Who would win if we weren't bound by The Man and his crap list of nominees: Jonathan Nolan and Christopher Nolan, The Dark Knight

Best Animated Feature

What will win: WALL-E

What should win: WALL-E

What shouldn't win: Bolt

What would win if we weren't bound by The Man and his crap list of nominees: WALL-E

The new Simpsons opening sucks

I'm not opposed to a new Simpsons opening on principle or anything, but it does seem unnecessary. It's not like the old one looks horribly dated. Plus, the timing seems odd. I mean, how many more seasons does the show realistically have left? I think they'll probably call it quits in five years, bringing the series total to 25 seasons. So it'll be 19 1/2 seasons of the original opening, and 5 1/2 seasons of the new one. That really irritates my OCD.

No, the problem isn't that they went with a new opening. It's that the opening they went with blows. Here's why.

1) Why is that bird flying on the bottom of the screen? It totally screws up the iconic shot of the logo coming through the clouds.

2) Before, Bart was the first character we saw, which seemed fitting. Now it's Jimbo and Kearney? What's the point of doing a call-back to the episode where the Jebediah Springfield statue gets its head cut off? Also, Ralph deserved better than that.

3) I do like the aerial shot through downtown Springfield, although I'm going to be disappointed if the billboard doesn't change every week, like with Futurama's opening.

4) They replaced Mr. Burns and Smithers with Lenny and Carl? Really?

5) I also like the addition of Krusty-Os and Mr. Sparkle to Marge's purchases. The bit with Maggie and the unibrow baby, not so much.

6) Bart skateboarding down the sidewalk is probably the spot where they could have used an update the most, but I think they only got it partially right with the additions they made. Sideshow Bob: Bad. Apu's octuplets: Bad. Comic Book Guy: Good. Disco Stu: Good. Cat lady: Meh. Rich Texan: Meh.

7) I'm not sure why, but Grandpa being in the car with Marge and Maggie feels wrong.

8) You can see a side-by-side comparison of the quick pan here. Superintendent Chalmers, Kang and Kodos, and Duff Man were nice touches. I could have done without God and the Devil, though. Feels a little too South Park-ish.

9) Homer getting knocked through the door leaving a Homer-sized hole is the biggest misfire of the whole thing.

10) The flat screen TV falling off the wall seems like a desperate grab for modernity.

24: 4:00 p.m.-5:00 p.m

Thoughts:

-- Goddamn, Bill is bossy. I think he just fired the entire government. Or in the very least, he convinced the president to put him in charge of it. This is why every season I hope this is the one where he finally gets killed. Even when he's right, he's the ultimate annoying authority figure.

-- I'm pretty sure Renee has officially been turned to the Bauer side of the Force. And I love the split screen shot they just did, as if Jack is looking on approvingly as she justifies her actions to Larry.

-- Morris! And...some really blatant product placement. Like, blatant even for this show, which would happily wrap Jack in the Sprint logo if there was a halfway convincing plot reason for it. But maybe I should buy a Hyundai.

-- That scene between Larry and Chloe might be the highlight of the entire season. I liked the list of collateral damage from past seasons, though it's a shame George Mason didn't make that list. George never seemed to get much respect. I also liked how Chloe is a celebrity in national security IT circles.

-- Ten minutes ago, Jack was screaming at Marika and shoving a gun in her face. Now he's speaking to her gently and holding her hand and convincing her to do him a favor that could get her killed. And she's agreeing! I get the feeling that if Jack wanted, he could easily get laid a lot more than he probably does.

-- Can you imagine the media frenzy that would happen in D.C. if a real life president's grown kids were as ridiculously hot as Roger and Olivia? They make those loser Kennedy kids look like pond scum. (Now I'm thinking about the parallels between Roger and John-John. Do we know for certain that plane crash was really an accident? Hmmm...)

-- Aaron! If Kiefer Sutherland ever decides to leave the show, Glenn Morshower could totally take it over.

-- I'm sort of underwhelmed at the revelation that Janis is the mole. The show spent so much time trying to make everyone else at the FBI look guilty, there's really no one else it could have been.

-- Or maybe I spoke too soon. So Sean's the mole? Or is he another mole, working independently of Janis?

Jack's confirmed kills: 0 (13 for the season)

Jack's Words of Wisdom: "It's over. The man you thought you knew. The man you had feelings for. He doesn't exist. All you've been left with are his lies and his betrayal."

Overall grade: A+

Dating for D.C. Dummies

No real faux pas in this week's Date Lab. I just feel like pointing out what a complete asshole the guy is.

K. Bryan Johnson: I had some top-of-the-line clothing on me: Nudie jeans -- they're from Sweden, just short of $600 -- a Gucci shirt, Gucci boots -- roughly $1,000. I was looking good.

Meanwhile, you're 50 and signing up for Date Lab. So the clothes, as rocking as they may be, don't really seem to be getting it done for you.

Also, you know the difference between buying jeans from TJ Maxx and buying jeans from Swedish designers? The people at TJ Maxx aren't high-fiving each other and calling you a sucker as they count your money.

I'm not a big eater; that's why I ordered the salad. I do have to maintain a size. I did some modeling for Hugo Boss back in the late '80s, in Germany. Well, I think it was Hugo Boss company checks. I can't recall.

Pop quiz: What's sadder?

A) A straight man saying "I do have to maintain a size."

B) His unbelievably clunky way of working in the fact that he used to model. In the 80s. In fucking Germany. Wait, why is he proud of this again?

C) Quickly backtracking after claiming to have modeled for Hugo Boss. (I wonder how much further he would have backed off his claim if he'd kept going. "Now that I think about it, it might have been K-Mart I modeled for. And my boss's name was Hugo.")

It's a trick question. There is no right or wrong answer. They're all exactly the same amount of sad.

Theresa: I asked for his card, and he said, "Unfortunately, I forgot [them]." For a business person not to carry cards ... But he promised to get in touch.
...
Bryan: I just had a forkful of icing. She ate 98 percent. [As for the cards,] I don't give them out to everyone.

Jesus Christ, it's a business card. Who cares if she has your work number? Stop being such a douche.

I'm very courteous with females.

I've always thought there's something inherently creepy about men who refer to women as "females." Bryan does nothing to change this opinion.

I'd give Date Lab a 5. I enjoyed the conversation. I'll probably give Theresa a courtesy call. But I'm not sure.

Not calling her was probably the nicest thing Bryan could have possibly done. She dodged a huge fucking bullet.

I'd recommend Date Lab try and set Bryan up with Leana, as their toxic, self-involved personalities might actually mesh well together. But I suspect that she'd say he's way too old, and he'd say she's not attractive enough for him. And frankly, they'd both be right.

Friday the 13th

Spoilers follow.

As he does to pretty much everyone who listens to WJFK, BDK, the movie reviewer on the Junkies, irritates the hell out of me. And on last Friday's show, when he said the best part of the Friday the 13th remake was the nudity, I thought he was just being his normal tool self. Unfortunately, for once, he's right.

The movie actually gets off to a good start. In a bit of honest-to-God genius, it slickly recreates the ending of the original Friday the 13th during the opening credits, as Jason's mother wraps up her infamous killing spree and loses her head. (In a surprising bit of casting, the small role of Mrs. Voorhees is played by Deep Space Nine's Nana Visitor. For some reason, Trek actresses always seem to go on to really crappy post-Trek acting careers.)

The good times keep rolling as a group of nice, attractive 20-something friends played by fairly decent actors set up camp at Crystal Lake and are promptly slaughtered by Jason. This also features the film's unquestionable highlight, as Jason continues his hobby of finding fun and creative ways of using sleeping bags to murder people.

And from there, it's all downhill.

We're soon introduced to another group of attractive 20-somethings, but one that consists mostly of dicks, featuring actors not nearly as good as those from the first bunch. In another surprising bit of casting, one of them is played by Willa Ford, whose "I Wanna Be Bad'' I'm embarrassed to admit used to be in heavy rotation on my iPod. Failed Britney Spears clones apparently also go on to crappy acting careers.

The Friday the 13th films may be among the more by-the-numbers horror films around, but they also have a certain rhythm to them that can be really enjoyable, especially after multiple viewings. The remake doesn't have that rhythm. It doesn't have anything, really, once that first group of characters is killed off. Jason shows up. He kills the people who are there to be killed. The two main characters, he just chases and harmlessly throws around a bit. Jason's beaten. The end. And yeah, that's pretty much the roadmap of every Friday the 13th film, but here, it felt especially by-the-numbers and passionless. It's not surprising, since the film's produced by Michael Bay, who has never met a bit of substance that he wouldn't happily sacrifice for style, but it's still disappointing.

The low point is when Amanda Righetti's character, who was among the first group of campers and seemingly macheted to death, is revealed to be alive and chained up in Jason's lair (looking really good for having been there six weeks), apparently because she looked like his mother. Why does Jason want to chain a woman who looks like his mom to a bed and then totally ignore her? I have no idea. I don't think the filmmakers do, either. None of this came as a complete shock, since earlier, I'd found myself thinking, "Amanda Righetti is hardly a big star, but surely, she's enough of one not to get killed off in the first fifteen minutes." I wish she had been though, as it's a horrifically stupid twist.

The second lowest point of the film was the ending. Earlier this week, I suffered through My Name Is Bruce, Bruce Campbell's shameless love letter to himself. At the end, Campbell makes a comment to the effect of how hack and predictable it would be for the monster in the film to make a shocking reappearance after it had been killed. I really wish the writers of Friday the 13th had seen My Name Is Bruce. Partly because they might have decided not to be so hack and predictable by having Jason make a shocking reappearance in the last few seconds, but mainly just as punishment for coming up with such a lame remake of a classic horror film.

Script: C-
Acting: C
Gore: B-
Overall: C-

Panel of the Week

From Batman #686:

It's all about the Washingtons (and Lincolns and Jeffersons and Roosevelts)

You know how soldiers sometimes come back home from war and see something that triggers an intense, violent flashback? I sort of have that, but with food service.

For part of high school and college, I worked at a sandwich place. And it was a fucking miserable experience. Don't let anyone tell you food service isn't a hard job. Is it rocket science? No. But you're constantly on your feet and rushing around, and you have to develop a really good memory. You may not think it's difficult for the person taking your order to remember the toppings you want on your sandwich, but when there are a dozen other orders flying back and forth, it's easy to lose track. And of course, it's all done for minimum wage or, if you're very lucky, a couple bucks more.

Almost as bad as fixing sandwiches was working the register, because you're the one the customer yells at when their food isn't fixed quickly enough or when they want it done over because it wasn't right the first time, and of course, you're the one responsible if the register is off by even a couple of bucks.

My real pet peeve, though, was when someone would drop their change on the counter. If you have to do that to count it out, fine, but then scoop the coins back into your hand and give them to me like a civilized human being, you fucking animal. There were times when I'd actually have my hand outstretched, and the customer would still choose to just drop their coins.

Even though I'm about a decade removed from being behind a counter, I still feel a certain kinship with my food service brethren. And like I said, I do get flashbacks. So a little while ago, when I was getting lunch, and saw a woman pull out a wad of one-dollar bills and just toss them into the register drawer, which was open from the previous transaction, I almost lost my shit right there. I actually came close to saying something, before I remembered that I didn't actually work there.

The girl who was working there, though, got a look in her eye that I recognized, and I knew exactly what she was thinking: "Seriously, you fucking bitch? You can't just hand me the money? You're in such a hurry, you have to save half-a-second by throwing it at me?"

She took her own sweet time counting out the change, too, which I recognized as classic food service passive aggressive behavior. Because unfortunately, passive aggressiveness is really the only option open to you when you work food service, since active aggression will likely get you fired. (The owner of the place I used to work at would work the counter occasionally, and he had no problem whatsoever yelling at customers who got on his nerves. I didn't have that luxury.)

Of course, there was always the nuclear option of fucking with someone's food. We did this somewhat rarely, and never to the extent other restaurants I've heard horror stories about, where an irritating customer might well end up with fecal matter or ball sweat as part of their meal.

We'd maybe just drop someone's bread on the floor for a few seconds, or slip a small hair into their sandwich. (Not even a pubic hair, just a regular one. In retrospect, I think we were way too nice in that regard.) Nothing that would make them sick and get us in trouble, but enough that we felt we'd achieved a small victory. Those customers I mentioned that would drop their coins onto the counter? A good number of them ended up with floor as one of their toppings.

The moral of the story is, hand your money to the person behind the counter. Don't drop it, don't throw it, fucking hand it. If you don't, you may just get glared at, you may end up with something horrible done to your food, or you may have some unhinged veteran of the fast food wars have a flashback and go off on you like a maniac. (Or in the very least, blog about what he would have done if there weren't so many damn laws in this country covering assault.)

Geekgasm

Inglourious Basterds teaser.

You'll notice that the Nazis in this movie are being killed and tortured and getting swastikas carved into their foreheads and in danger of losing their scalps. Not being all heroic and shit.

Tarantino understands.

D.C. in crisis!

D.C. is a city in turmoil this morning.

1) Marion Barry Refuses to Pay His Taxes

I don't care, and neither should anyone else. It's just who he is. You know that old parable of the Scorpion and the Frog? Barry's the scorpion. At this point, Marion Barry could be implicated in a child-slavery ring, and I wouldn't bat an eye. They could uncover photos showing that Marion Barry was on the grassy knowl with a rifle on November 22, 1963, and it shouldn't come as a shock to anyone. Marion Barry is an evil alien from another planet sent to undermine humanity's faith in their public servants in preparation for an invasion? Sure, why not?

You know who I am pissed at? The idiots living in Ward 8. They elected him, and after a first term that could generously be called a "gigantic fucking embarrassment," they enthusiastically did it again last year. Forget going after Barry for his back taxes. That'll be like trying to get blood from a stone. Make the people in Ward 8 pay them. They're the ones who continue to enable his behavior and his six-figure salary. And who wants to bet that after Barry's done serving whatever minuscule amount of jail time he's given, they'll happily elect him again?

2) Apple May Give Up on Georgetown

Is there anything worse in the world than old rich people? Has the Old Georgetown Board actually left their homes and walked down Wisconsin or M recently? The whole area would probably offend their delicate sensibilities. There's a tattoo parlor, a couple of psychics, and if not for a conveniently placed flood, there'd be three Starbucks along a half-mile stretch on M Street alone. How does that not get them up in arms, but an Apple Store does, based on how much glass they want to use in their storefront? Or at least, seemingly based on how much glass they want to use in their storefront, since it's becoming pretty clear that the board simply doesn't want an Apple Store in Georgetown.

If I were Steve Jobs, I'd sue the shit out of them for being so unreasonable. It's Apple's property, and it should be free to do pretty much anything it wants with it. Even the combined wealth of Georgetown's elites pales in comparison to Apple's. Just the threat of litigation ought to motivate them to get their act together.

But if Apple does decide to pull up stakes and move to Adams Morgan or U Street, I hope they get some measure of revenge by selling their Georgetown property to Spencer's Gifts or an adult toy store or something. If the Old Georgetown Board finds a gigantic Apple logo so offensive, imagine how they'll feel when they walk by the property and see a gigantic dildo in the window.

3) The Washington Post is an Embarrassment to Washington

The only question that strayed from domestic or foreign policy was from The Washington Post's Michael A. Fletcher, who asked about the admission by baseball star Alex Rodriguez that he once used steroids. Obama pronounced that "depressing news."

What's really depressing news is that Michael A. Fletcher still has a job this morning. If I were one of the reporters at the Post who had been laid off or forced to take a buy-out, I'd be pissed right now.

The only way that question should have been asked if is every single Post reporter had gotten sick yesterday except for Thomas Boswell, and out of desperation, they'd sent him to cover the news conference. And even then, Boswell probably could have come up with a question that had even a hint of relevance.

What happened to Katharine Weymouth's vow that the Post would focus more on local news? If Fletcher was bound and determined to ask the President of the United States a retarded sports question on national television, couldn't he have at least made it a D.C.-centric one? Like, "Who should the Redskins take in the draft?" or "Should Gilbert Arenas try and come back this season?" or "Might it not be a good idea for the Nationals to start using steroids?"

24: 3:00 p.m.-4:00 p.m

Thoughts:

-- Hey, how did Dubaku get back from Virginia to D.C. so fast? You know, I'm starting to think the producers of this show don't take geography seriously.

-- President Taylor really isn't the sharpest president we've seen. Why the hell would you shout, "You wouldn't dare!" to the terrorist who'd already killed hundreds of innocent people?

-- It warms my heart to see Jack bossing around the president and her chief of staff.

-- Isn't this the third time this season that Renee has told Larry to trust her, even though the two previous times ended up with Jack breaking Tony out of FBI headquarters and her getting buried alive? I don't blame him for being skeptical.

-- It warms my heart even more to see Jack telling a couple of horrified FBI agents that he wants to threaten Vossler's family in order to get them to talk.

-- Ha! Jack's in downtown D.C. and he's going to beat Vossler, who's on the Beltway near Bethesda (yet somehow, only seven miles away), to Andrews Air Force Base? Sometimes it's like the writers just toss a bunch of locations into a hat and draw them randomly. Also, someone should tell Jack that it's illegal to use a cell phone while driving in D.C.

-- I hate to admit it, but I'm sort of with Dubaku on killing his girlfriend's meddling sister. I mean, she has no idea that he's a terrorist. She's just butting in for no good reason, probably bitter that her sister got all the looks in the family. Go, Dubaku!

Jack's confirmed kills: 5 (13 for the season)

Jack's Words of Wisdom: "With all due respect, Madame President...ask around."

Overall grade: B+

Dating for D.C. Dummies

This is far from the most annoying couple Date Lab has put together, but in these trying economic times, with the stock market down, the real estate market down, and indeed, the Date Lab market down, I'll take what I can get.

Marcella: He's definitely a good-looking kid. But he wasn't someone that I would look across the room and be like, I need to go talk to that guy.

Reality check: If you've applied to Date Lab and get set up with "a good-looking kid," you're way ahead of the curve, and ought to be a little more grateful.

As for the men are who are good-looking enough for Marcella to look across the room and be like, "I need to go talk to that guy"? They're neither applying to Date Lab or looking for women who have.

Efrain: We were taken to a table and ordered drinks. I'm mostly a straight-up beer guy, but I thought, I'm on a blind date for the first time. Let me experiment.

Bad idea. First of all, there's nothing wrong with being a straight-up beer guy. I'll have the occasional cocktail, and I'll drink wine to be social, but there isn't an alcoholic beverage in the world that beats beer.

Second, first dates aren't the time to experiment with anything. You don't experiment with restaurant selection or hair style or clothes, and you certainly don't experiment with something like alcohol. The potential for embarrassment is way too high. Just go with what you know.

"You know, I'm a little bit of a dork at times. I love video games. That's my main interest."

Dude, I am so fucking with you! (Say, do you want to go out some time?) Also, I like comic books, horror films, and Battlestar Galactica. But you know what? I'm not going to mention any of that on a first date, unless I know for a fact that she, too, is into video games, comic books, horror films, or Battlestar Galactica.

The key to being a geek and getting non-geek girls is that you lure them in with talk of art and politics and music and football, and only after she's comfortable with you, then hit her with the fact that Batman is your role model. At that point, she may dump you, but more than likely, she'll think about all the assholes she's dated in the past and how much she hates being single, and decide that geekiness is something she can live with.

I do have a more fun job than he has. He does something with advertising and sits at a computer researching all day. It sounds like he works to work, where I want it to be fun.

I have no idea what that means, but if dating someone who doesn't sit behind a computer is some sort of deal breaker, D.C. might be the wrong city for her. And let's not go crazy about how "fun" her job is. I'll take her word for it that cartography isn't as tedious as I would assume it to be, but it's not as if she's, like, a greeting card writer or yacht captain or something.

I'd probably rate the date a 4 [out of 5]. There wasn't that initial attraction or the desire to go out on another date.

Then how the hell is that a 4 out of 5?

Date Lab needs to come up with some sort of uniform scale for participants to use when rating their date, because this clearly was not a 4 out of 5 date. She didn't even toss in the standard, "...but I wouldn't mind hanging out as friends some time."

Actually, you know what? In the interest of accuracy and better Date Lab columns, I'll do it for them.

0 out of 5: He/she is a horrible human being, and not only do I not want to go out with him/her again, but I hope he/she gets hit by a bus tomorrow so as to remove him/her from the gene pool.

1 out of 5: We had nothing in common, he/she generally annoyed the hell out of me, and Date Lab clearly set us up for no other reason than to be comedic fodder for area bloggers.

2 out of 5: Not the worst date I've ever been on, but far from the best. Thanks for nothing, Date Lab.

3 out of 5: I had a good time. No real romantic chemistry, but I wouldn't mind hanging out as friends some time.

4 out of 5: I had a really good time. I'm definitely willing to go out again, and if it doesn't work out, I have some friends he/she would be perfect for.

5 out of 5: I had a fantastic time! We're going out again next week! You're the best, Date Lab!

Panel of the Week

From Jonah Hex #40:

2009 Washington Auto Show

Hey, it's that time of year again. The Washington Auto Show. Yay. Wheeeee.

Okay, look, this is one of those love it or hate it things. Either you're really geeked about cars and think this is the sort of thing worth going to, or you're not. I'm a not. Don't get me wrong, like all men, I love big, shiny toys. And if I ever win the lottery, one of my first purchases is going to be a black Enzo Ferrari. But until I do win the lottery, what's the point of drooling over something that I can't get? If there was a Washington Bikini Model Show, I probably wouldn't go to that, either.

So if you're not into cars, the only reason to even think about going are the celebrities. Unfortunately, the celebrity market, just like the real market, seems to have taken a turn for the worse, as this year's line-up isn't that hot.


Wednesday

Batista: While I hate professional wrestling, to be fair, I've heard him interviewed on the radio a few times, and he sounds like an interesting guy. Plus, he's apparently banged most of the female wrestlers, which makes whatever he's done in the ring look insignificant by comparison.

Vida Guerra: I'm sorry, but I can't take someone seriously who's famous solely for her ass. It might be worth going just to laugh at the line of sweaty losers clamoring for her to sign their well-used copies of FHM, but that's about it.

Jeanette Lee: Back when ESPN2 was desperate for programming (no lie, they used to run Magic: The Gathering tournaments), they'd run a lot of pool. And somehow, Lee, smoking hot Asian pool player, always managed to be on. Worth checking out.

Curley Neal: Finally, a major celebrity! I'm not kidding. Anyone who played on the Globetrotters back in the 80s is aces in my book.


Thursday

Jason Campbell: I'd prefer it was the Jason Campbell from the first half of the season, as opposed to the Jason Campbell from the second half of the season, but any Redskin at the Auto Show is a good thing. (Any active Redskin, anyway. More on that in a bit.)

John Cena: Another wrestler. Yawn. But have you seen the trailer for 12 Rounds? It actually doesn't look half-bad. I'm not going to see it, as it stars John Cena, but if it had another actor, I think it would have a lot of buzz right now.

JaVale McGee and Nick Young: You can get them to sign a copy of their reckless driving ticket.

Dominic McGuire: No offense to the Wizards players in attendance, but what do Gilbert Arenas or Etan Thomas have going on that they couldn't attend?

Antwaan Randle El: If you want Randle El's signature on something as a Redskin, now might be a good time to get it.

Rick "Doc" Walker: Former Redskin. Current radio host. Even I'm not big enough of a Skins fan to really care.


Friday

Nicholas Backstrom and Mike Green: Considering that my two favorite Washington teams, the Redskins and Wizards, are doing so poorly, it's probably wrong of me to turn my nose up at hockey, since the Caps are doing so well. But still...it's hockey.

Darrell Green: Darrell Green's a piece of shit. I appreciate what he did for the Skins, but still. After every Auto Show, I inevitably read some fan's account about how he asked Green to sign a ball or jersey or mini-helmet or whatever, but he refused to sign anything other than Auto Trader-provided photos. But hey, the good news is that you can go to his website and pay inflated prices for signed crap!

Maria: Female wrestler. I'm not sure if Batista got her or not. It'd probably be rude to ask.

Mark Plotkin: Sure. Because when you think "Auto Show," you think "WTOP Political Analyst."


Saturday

Redskins Cheerleaders and Wizards Dancers: Dance-off! Or catfight! Whatever feels more natural, ladies.

Idris Elba: I'm one of those people who could never get into The Wire, otherwise, I'm sure this would be a really impressive get.

John Harkes: D.C. has a soccer team?


Sunday

Poncho de Anda and Ana Maria Conseco: Telemundo and Univision hosts, respectively. I'm not familiar. The only Mexican shows I watch are those racy soap operas that are basically soft-core porn.

Corbin Bleu: I thought this High School Musical thing all the girls are crazy about was supposed to be huge. So why is this kid making an appearance at the Washington Auto Show? On the slowest day, no less?

Boogie Bots Dance Group: Because you always want to close on a high note.

The Uninvited

January saw the release of a surprising number of horror films, and The Uninvited was the one I was looking forward to the most. And of the three (the other two being The Unborn and My Bloody Valentine 3-D), it's definitely the best.

But is it actually good? Well...yeah, sort of.

For the most part, this is like every other Hollywood adaptation of an J-Horror Asian horror flick, with creepy dead kids jumping out of dark places to scare the heroine. The real difference is that this one actually has a good cast. David Strathairn and Elizabeth Banks aren't actors you normally see in this sort of film, and while I'd happily watch a film where Arielle Kebbel does nothing but read the phone book, she does a really good job, too. If there is a weak link, it's Emily Browning, which is a problem since she's sort of, you know, the lead. But compared to the typical horror film ingenue, she may as well be Merryl Streep, so it's not so bad.

The film unfolds in an interesting direction, developing into just as much of a mystery as a horror flick. We know going in that Banks's character is evil, so unlike the whodunit element in a film like My Bloody Valentine, it's not so much Who? as Why? and How?

And that leads us directly into the twist at the end. I won't spoil it, but I saw this film three days ago, and I still can't decide how I feel about it. It feels like if I went back and saw it again, I could find all sorts of holes in it, but I honestly can't think of any off the top of my head. In fact, it actually explained away one big gap in logic I noticed earlier in the film. So while on one hand, it works, on another, it's so similar to another film's twist, it's hard to feel too good about it.

This wasn't quite the classic ghost story I was hoping for (when I was browsing through my Netflix recommendations earlier today, one of them was The Lady in White, which I consider to be the cinematic gold standard when it comes to ghost stories), but all things being equal, it's a really good film.

Script: B-
Acting: B+
Gore: D+
Overall: B-

Grow a pair, Fenty. Then kick Ted Lerner in his.

Mayor Adrian M. Fenty (D) has raised more than $2 million for his re-election campaign with more than 1 1/2 years go to before the 2010 election, a whopping total that could serve to scare off any serious challengers.
...
Fenty lists 2,126 contributors, with many giving the maximum $2,000. Among the big names are...Nationals owner Ted Lerner and his family (which gave $16,000 all told) (Washington Post)

What? No, fuck that.

Ted Lerner has become, incredibly...amazingly...preposterously, an even worse owner than Dan Snyder. I mean, Snyder may despise Redskins fans and do everything short of hiring armed thugs to roam FedEx Field and take people's wallets, but at least you can't fault his desire to win. Granted, that desire manifests itself in the form of some really retarded free agent signings and Vinny Cerrato being the closest thing we have to a GM, but is there anyone who thinks that if Satan offered Snyder a Super Bowl win in exchange for his children's souls, he wouldn't jump at the chance?

The Lerners, though, seem uninterested in improving the team beyond the bare minimum required to still be considered a professional baseball team. Really, Snyder and the Lerners ought to just trade teams. The Redskins couldn't get much worse, and can you imagine Dan Snyder without the yoke of a salary cap? The Nationals would be sick. Not necessarily good, but we're talking some serious star power in D.C., which would be almost as good as actually winning.

Frankly, not being a baseball fan, I really couldn't care less if the Nations are in first place or last. If the Lerners want to be run their team on the cheap, hey, whatever. No skin off my back. I'll go to one, maybe two Nats games this season, and leave the stadium about as happy if they lose as if they win. No, the thing that really pisses me off about the Lerners is that even after D.C. gave them a brand new, state of the art baseball stadium, they've not only refused to pay over $3 million in rent, but are also demanding $100,000 a day in damages, because they claim the stadium is "incomplete." Now, I've only been there once. But it seemed pretty fucking complete to me. It's such kindergarten bullshit that I'm amazed they actually think they're going to get away with it. Maybe this sort of thing flies in the construction business, but trying to rob the D.C. government blind seems a bit suicidal.

At least, that's what I figured, until I read that Fenty happily took their $16 thousand in donations.

Fenty has $2 million saved up for a reelection campaign that he's already guaranteed to win. He can't give a tiny fraction of that back to the Lerners and politely tell them to fuck off until they've paid what the owe the city? Also, that $16 thousand? That's our money they're giving Fenty. Congratulations, if you've gone to a Nats game or bought any Nats gear since the stadium opened, you've given money to the mayor's reelection campaign! Look for your invitation to his inaugural ball in 2011!

Or, I guess, don't. As big a family as the Lerners are, they'll undoubtedly need your invitation, so they can toast the mayor's second term and have a good laugh with him about how it's so much easier to write a check for $16 thousand than $3.5 million.

24: 2:00 p.m.-3:00 p.m

Thoughts:

-- Seven seasons in, and I still have no idea what "open up a socket" means.

-- Wait, the Matobos are already at Dubaku's secret lair? How far away is it from the warehouse? Ten feet?

-- So the guy just picks up the remote control, pushes a button, and the map on the TV zooms in on the chemical plant? That's some remote.

-- I don't have a wife or a daughter, but if someone told me I had to turn myself into a human bomb to save them, I'm not sure I'd go along with that. You can always get another wife and daughter.

-- Holy shit! They actually filmed on the Metro! You never see that on TV or in a movie. Bravo, 24.

-- When did the Senate Insurance guy stop saying, "Kiss my bumper!"? Those commercials have been running since I was a kid. "Kiss my bumper!" is like...his whole act. And what's up with the steeple fingers?

-- I see Bill is slipping back into his bad habit of questioning Jack. Not a good sign.

-- They're within a ten minute radius of the White House, and Chloe mapped out "side streets" on the way there? Really?

-- When Jack inevitably kills Dubaku, can I have his apartment? Based on where the Yellow Line train was in the previous scene, his place must be literally just steps away from either the Pentagon City or Crystal City station.

Jack's confirmed kills: 6 (8 for the season)

Jack's Words of Wisdom: "Tony, take it from me. You need to deal with the consequences."

Overall grade: B

Super Bowl Commerical Scorecard

Audi: A+ I guess Jason Statham still isn't too big of a movie star to be doing commercials. Which worked out well, since, much like Statham, this one kicked ass.

G.I. Joe: A Shut up, haters! This is going to be awesome. Seeing Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow cross swords gave my inner-ten year-old an orgasm.

Cars.com: A Hilarious, and exceptionally well shot. It looked like a Wes Anderson film.

Hulu: A- As great as Alec Baldwin is, the writing is the real star. The "brain rot" stuff was genius.

Star Trek: B Another must-see film, but Kirk saying, "Why are you talking to me, man?" to Pike is all kinds of wrong. J.J. Abrams, your job was to adapt to Trek, not the other way around.

SoBe: B I'm a big fan of any commercial that looks like it was conceived while on acid.

NFL: B It's too bad Usama Young still doesn't work for the Redskins, but I liked the ad.

Bud Light Lime: B I think beer with lime gets a bad rap, so I was predisposed to like this, but it's also a really nice looking ad.

Career Builder.com: B This would be a lot funnier if it currently was possible for people to leave jobs they hate, but I guess you can't really blame the commercial for bad timing.

Teleflora: B- Sort of mean, but funny. Like Gary, I'd also like to see Diane naked. I don't care what the flowers say, she's cute.

Vizio: B- Not funny or flashy, but in terms of actually providing information to the consumer, probably the best ad of the night.

Coke: B- I liked the online avatar gimmick, but I wish they'd done a bit more with it.

Pepsi: B- I think I'm the only person in the world who finds McGrubber to be hilarious, but I'm also not wild about SNL skits being whored out as commercials. Also, Richard Dean Anderson's startling waistline made the whole thing unpleasant.

Bud Light: B- A guy getting thrown out of a window is funny enough, but being thrown out with the chair is what made it art.

Denny's: C+ Nice gag, I guess, but in this post-Sopranos world, mobsters seem a bit passe.

Heroes: C Cute. I wish they'd put even half as much effort into the show as they did the promo.

Castrol: C Monkeys are never not funny, but this one seemed oddly uninspired.

Toyota: C This looked cool and all, but what's the point of showing a Toyota inside that bizarre deathtrap...thing that no one will ever find themselves in, unless they somehow acquire a supervillain as an archenemy?

Pepsi: C Catchy song, but a collection of pop culture comparisons seems a bit lazy. Also, I fucking hate it when people hold up cell phones at concerts, so that was a terrible image to use.

Pepsi: C Meh. People getting hurt randomly can be funny, but this really wasn't.

Bud Light: C Conan O'Brien was funny, but in general, the gag fell flat. Maybe if they'd set it in Japan.

Taco Bell: C The most perfectly average commercial of the night. It did absolutely nothing extraordinarily wrong or right. It just...exists.

Priceline.com: C Like monkeys, Shatner impressions are always funny. But that's all this had going for it.

Coke: C- Decent, but it just seemed like a weaker variation on the far superior commercial that took place inside the Coke machine from a couple of years ago.

Monster.com: C- This was lame. Once again, Career Builder kicked their ass.

Doritos: C- I've seen the vending machine one before, so I don't know why it's on now. But it wasn't especially funny then or now.

E*Trade: C- Is there anyone who actually likes the talking baby? This was cute for a while, but it's way past its expiration date.

Hyundai: D+ Like monkeys and Shatner impressions, screaming Germans and Japanese are funny, but this fell flat.

Coke Zero: D+ I guess I'm glad they didn't go for a straight-up remake of the classic Mean Joe Green commercial, but this really wasn't good.

Bridgestone: D+ Mr. Potato Head? Someone thought that'd be a good idea? Really?

Bud Light: D+ "Guy Who Draws Stuff In the Air With His Finger" may be the worst pitchman for any product ever.

Overstock: D Overstock.com is still in business? And the best NBA player they could get is Carlos Boozer?

Budweiser (all of them): D For the love of Christ, retire the damn Clydesdales and dalmatian.

Cheetos: D So...Cheetos is encouraging people to use its product as a weapon? I don't get it.

G: D- The first ad was stupid and pretentious, and this one is, too.

Cash4Gold.com: F If they'd just gone with MC Hammer, it would have been fine. Not great, but fine. But using Ed McMahon, with all of his current financial problems, was horrifyingly depressing.

Go Daddy: F Give it up, Go Daddy. Registering web domains will never, ever be sexy. And seriously, Danicka Patrick, have you completely given up on being taken seriously as an athlete? (Sorry, I forgot, this is car racing we're talking about. So that should be "athlete.")