Survivor Series

In a somewhat unexpected turn of events, I ended up going to Survivor Series at the Verizon Center last night. I didn't even know it was being held in D.C. until Friday. But given my fondness for niche sports, I figured what the hell? Plus, the seats were in the front row of the upper section, so I was at least guaranteed a good view.

One thing before I get into last night, though: I won't go so far as to call wrestling gay. But if you're a wrestling fan, you have absolutely no business being anti-gay rights. None. Whatsoever. If you can watch two muscular, shaved-down, sweaty dudes wearing tiny briefs grope and rub up against each other, and actually cheer them on as they're doing so, you can't really be that uncomfortable with the concept of two men having sex. So what's the big deal? Let them get married, already.

Anyway, I used to be a big wrestling fan when I was a kid, but I kind of grew out of it, and I've never gotten back into it. I'll occasionally stick with Monday Night Raw if there's nothing else on, or if Donald Trump shows up, or they have a good guest host, but it's never something I'd go out of my way to watch. The fact that every episode of Raw seems to end with the same small pool of wrestlers fighting one another, doesn't help. How many times can America watch John Cena fight Randy Orton, or Randy Orton fight Triple H, or Triple H fight John Cena? Back when I was a regular viewer, the big feuds changed every few months.

Here are the highlights of last night:

-- We got to the Verizon Center around 6:30. The line snaked around half the building, because for some reason, they didn't let anyone in until about 45 minutes before it started. This meant standing outside for quite a while. It also meant lots of people walking by, curious to know what was going on that would draw such a--to borrow a phrase from Happy Gilmore--large and economically diverse crowd.

The typical exchange between people in line and passersby on the street went something like this:

Passerby: "Hey, what are you guys in line for?"
Person in line: "WWE! Pay-Per-View! It's the Survivor Series!"
Passerby: "...Ah." (Turns and walks away.)

I'm not going to lie. I was a little self-conscious being there. All the people around me were perfectly nice, but it really wasn't my crowd. For some reason, I had even dressed somewhat preppy, which made me stick out even more. I spent most of my time hoping no one I knew from work would walk by.

I was lucky the first few times someone asked what the line was for. All the passerby questions were directed at the people in front or behind me. Then one guy walking by stopped and asked me directly. I stared at the back of the person in front of me and pretended I didn't hear. He repeated it. I turned to him and said, "Hmm? What? I'm sorry?" Thankfully, someone behind me saved me by answering his question.

I wasn't so lucky next time. This girl--and of course, she was cute--actually tapped me on the shoulder and asked what was going on. Seeing no way out, I just said, "Wrestling." She didn't even respond with an "Ah." She just turned and walked away.

-- There were an alarmingly high number of grown men who brought replica WWE belts with them to the event. But I only saw one guy actually wearing his. And you know what the really fucked up thing is? He had a smoking hot girlfriend. HOW? WHY?!? HOW?!?!? I mean, obviously, I have my own fair share of geeky interests. But I don't wear them on my sleeve. Or around my waist.

-- I will say this for wrestling fans: They're a friendly bunch. Having been to sporting events where people seem to revel in acting like dicks for no good reason, I was expecting the worst. But everyone around us was in pretty good spirits. A guy behind me kept muttering about how the refs needed to do a better job when it came to three counts, but other than that, people seemed to get the joke and were just there to have fun. Even in the final match, the people rooting for Triple H got along famously with the people rooting for John Cena. (No one seemed to be rooting for Shawn Michaels. Don't worry, Shawn. You'll always have your days in the Rockers.)

-- Before the official show started, the ring announcer introduced the TV commentator team for the event. I knew Jerry Lawler, but had no idea who the other two were. For some reason, one of them was heavily booed while walking to the ring. The NFL should do this. Imagine how great it would be to see Joe Buck walk through a whole stadium of booing fans on his way to the Fox booth.

-- A lot of the seats by the ring were reserved for active duty military, and before the show started, they ran a video of the WWE people visiting Iraq and Andrews Air Force Base. John Cena gave his shirt to one of the soldiers. So that was all nice. I, of course, would already have it up on eBay. I'll bet John Cena's sweat goes for a lot of money.

-- I had no idea who any of the wrestlers were in the first match. I guess they were from Smackdown? I don't know. It was a five-member tag team match, where each person got eliminated by pinfall until a whole team was defeated. At the end, there was one "good guy" wrestler and three "bad guy" wrestlers. I thought they'd go the predictable route of having the good wrestler somehow defeat the other three against all odds, but they actually kept it somewhat realistic and had the one guy get the crap beaten out of him, and then pinned.

-- Batista vs. Rey Mysterio was kind of cool, just because of how the latter was flying all over the ring. I was rooting for him, until someone mentioned that Batista was from D.C., at which point I switched allegiances and hoped he would kill the tiny masked man. I had to settle for Mysterio being carried off on a stretcher after being body slammed onto a metal folding chair. Yeah! D.C. represents!

-- The one time I totally and unapologetically geeked out is when the Undertaker came out. He's one of the very few WWE holdovers from when I was a kid, and it was awesome getting to see him in wrestle in person. His entrance and exit were really well done, too, what with all the smoke machines, the dark music, and a really cool light show. Good stuff.

-- I don't really understand why the WWE has female wrestlers. I mean, I'm sure there's a lot of money in swimsuit calendars and other Diva merchandise, and certainly, having women groping and rubbing up against each other makes the WWE at least 10% less gay. But when it came to the actual wrestling, most of them didn't seem that good at it. One Diva's high kick missed her opponent's face by a foot, but of course, the one being "kicked" still had to act like it had connected, and jerked back unconvincingly. Another Diva tried to flip someone over, but screwed up the move, resulting in the other woman basically having to flip herself over in order to help her opponent out. Whatever. In my day, we had Miss Elizabeth perched on Macho Man's shoulder, and that's all we really needed.

-- How many belts are there in the WWE now? (According to Wikipedia, a lot.) The Undertaker had the Heavyweight Championship belt, and John Cena had the WWE Championship belt. In theory, shouldn't those be the same thing? Again, when I was a kid, it was so much better. There was the WWF Championship belt, there was the Intercontinental Championship belt (which always seemed like a stupid name, but it was the only belt that was constantly up for grabs, so it seemed like a big deal when someone won it), and the Tag Team Championship belts. John Cena kept his belt, but even if he'd lost it, it seems likely he'd have it back within a couple of weeks. Seriously, doesn't the WWE see any benefit to having more than just the same few people win the belt over and over?

So, did I have a great time? No, not really. This was my first time seeing wrestling live since I was a kid and went to the Capital Centre to see Hulk Hogan fight Mr. Perfect. I had a blast then. My parents absolutely did not. 20 years later, I kind of empathize with them.

Don't get me wrong, for the most part, I had fun. A lot of the moves I saw--regardless of how scripted and choreographed they might have been--were incredible, and the crowd wasn't anything close to the freak show I'd expected. But I think I'm set for the next 20 years. In the very least, it would take another big event like the Royal Rumble or Wrestlemania to get me back there. I don't really have any interest in just seeing Raw or Smackdown or some house show.

Well, maybe if the Undertaker is on the card. Or Tugboat. I always liked Tugboat.