"Fantasy football, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."

I can't even think of words adequate enough to express how much I love fantasy football. So rather than even try, I'm going to let Hollywood do it for me, with just a little paraphrasing:

"Fantasy football completes me." - Jerry McGuire, Jerry McGuire

"Fantasy football should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how." - Rhett Butler, Gone With the Wind

"Fantasy football makes me want to be a better man." - Melvin Udall, As Good As It Gets

"The only things I care about in this goddamn life are me and my drums and fantasy football." - Watts, Some Kind of Wonderful

"I love fantasy football so much, I want to take it behind the middle school and get it pregnant." - Tracy Jordan, 30 Rock

My draft is tonight, and I'm bursting with excitement. I'm literally bursting with excitement. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. "No, idiot, you're figuratively bursting with excitement." No, I mean literally. Even as I type this, excitement is oozing out of my nose and my eyes and most of my other orifices, and it feels awesome. Excitement looks like purple glitter glue and smells like frosting, in case you're wondering.

Last season, my predictions were...well, let's just look at how I had the quarterbacks ranked this time last year, followed by their end-of-season rankings in parenthesis.

1) Tom Brady (59)

2) Tony Romo (10)

3) Ben Roethlisberger (22)

4) Peyton Manning (6)

5) Drew Brees (1)

6) Donovan McNabb (7)

7) Derek Anderson (32)

8) Eli Manning (14)

9) Carson Palmer (39)

10) David Garrard (12)

Ouch.

Some of that can be chalked up to unforeseen circumstances. I mean, who could have known Brady would be out for the season? Or that Kurt Warner could still play football without dropping dead of a heart attack? But other stuff, I just wrongly assumed, like that the Steelers would actually improve their offensive line between '07 and '08, or that T.O. wouldn't start acting like a jackass, or that Derek Anderson had another decent season in him. My running back rankings were even worse.

But the great thing about just being some know-nothing jackass on a blog, as opposed to a professional fantasy football expert, is that I can be as wrong as I want, and not have to worry about getting fired. Not, as far as I can tell, that any professional fantasy football expert actually has been fired for being wrong, but you get the point. So here are my 2009 rankings. Come back next year to see how wrong I was!

Quarterback

1) Drew Brees (Saints)

2) Peyton Manning (Colts)

3) Tom Brady (Patriots)

4) Aaron Rodgers (Packers)

5) Matt Ryan (Falcons)

6) Donovan McNabb (Eagles)

7) Joe Flacco (Ravens)

8) Tony Romo (Cowboys)

9) Matt Schaub (Texans)

10) Ben Roethlisberger (Steelers)

Sleepers: David Garrard (Jaguars), Trent Edwards (Bills), JaMarcus Russell (Raiders)
Busts: Jason Campbell (Redskins), Brett Favre (Vikings), Jay Cutler (Bears)

Running Back

1) Michael Turner (Falcons)

2) Adrian Peterson (Vikings)

3) Matt Forte (Bears)

4) DeAngelo Williams (Panthers)

5) Steve Slaton (Texans)

6) LaDainian Tomlinson (Chargers)

7) Maurice Jones-Drew (Jaguars)

8) Brandon Jacobs (Giants)

9) Clinton Portis (Redskins)

10) Chris Johnson (Titans)

Sleepers: Felix Jones (Cowboys), Reggie Bush (Saints), Leon Washington (Jets)
Busts: Jamal Lewis (Browns), Steven Jackson (Rams), Frank Gore (49ers)

Wide Receiver

1) Larry Fitzgerald (Cardinals)

2) Andre Johnson (Texans)

3) Greg Jennings (Packers)

4) Randy Moss (Patriots)

5) Roddy White (Falcons)

6) Reggie Wayne (Colts)

7) Anquan Boldin (Cardinals)

8) Calvin Johnson (Lions)

9) Marques Colston (Saints)

10) Brandon Marshall (Broncos)

Sleepers: Dwayne Bowe (Chiefs), Torry Holt (Jaguars), Bernard Berrian (Vikings)
Busts: Terrell Owens (Bills), Chad Ochocinco (Bengals), T.J. Houshmandzadeh (Seahawks)

Tight End

1) Jason Whitten (Cowboys)

2) Tony Gonzalez (Falcons)

3) Antonio Gates (Chargers)

4) Dallas Clark (Colts)

5) Greg Olsen (Bears)

6) Chris Cooley (Redskins)

7) Dustin Keller (Jets)

8) Nate Washington (Titans)

9) Kellen Winslow (Buccaneers)

10) Zack Miller (Raiders)

Sleepers: Anthony Fasano (Dolphins), Jermichael Finley (Packers), Bo Scaife (Titans)
Busts: Jeremy Shockey (Saints), Todd Heap (Ravens), Donald Lee (Packers)

Defense/Special Teams

1) Giants

2) Steelers

3) Titans

4) Ravens

5) Vikings

6) Eagles

7) Packers

8) Bears

9) Cardinals

10) Colts

Sleepers: Redskins, Buccaneers, Raiders
Busts: Broncos, Bengals, Panthers