My Superheroic Mayoral Endorsement

This almost strikes me as the sort of thing a junior high class would do in order to learn about politics, but because it features D.C. and comic book characters, I kind of dig it. (Even though the last time superheroes and politics mixed, it wasn't pretty.)

The New Organizing Institute, a "progressive advocacy and campaign training program focused on cutting-edge online organizing techniques" is apparently using fake campaigns for the D.C. mayor's office as a learning tool. And in an attempt to keep things light and fun (and probably so as not to make Fenty paranoid by thinking this might be a real challenge to his reelection, to the point where he brings the full weight of his office down on them, as he has so many of his foes), they're using DC comics superheroes--and Spider-Man, for some reason--as the candidates. The mock election will be held July 10.

Here are the candidates (listed in order of name recognition), as well as links to their campaign sites: Superman, Spider-Man, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, Batgirl, the Atom, Batwoman, and Cyborg.

Now, a lesser political and/or comic book blogger would simply say, "Hey, just elect Superman. Duh." But I don't play those kinds of games here in The D.C. Universe. And why not? Because of the D.C. part in the blog's title. The future of this city is just way too important for me to endorse any candidate, even a super one, without a thorough vetting.

So let's run down each candidate, and their qualifications to be mayor.

Superman

On the surface, this is the obvious candidate. He's smart, he's powerful, and he can get things done. If he says D.C. is going to have representation in Congress, you damn well better believe that D.C.'s going to have representation in Congress. I don't just mean a voting House member, either. We're talking a House member and two senators. Maybe four senators.

Also, he has executive experience. Granted, this took place in a story in Action Comics Annual #3, in a possible alternate future timeline in which the Man of Steel became President of the United States. A timeline that admittedly never actually came to pass. But still, I think it counts.

However--and this might just be me being racist--but do we really want an alien running the city? I mean, if he wants to be mayor of a Kryptonian city like Kandor, hey, more power to him. But D.C. is a human city, and it deserves a human mayor. Also, have you seen Metropolis recently? It's constantly getting destroyed by various supervillains who go there to kill Superman. Do we really want that coming here?

Spider-Man

I want to make this perfectly clear: Spider-Man is completely unfit to be mayor.

First of all, can you imagine the indignity of a city named D.C. having a Marvel character as its mayor? Jesus Christ, why don't we just elect fucking Tony Romo?

Second of all, he has serious character issues. You think Mark Sanford is bad? Spider-Man literally made a deal with the devil to make his entire marriage disappear from all existence! True, there might have a couple of extenuating circumstances, but still. This is not an acceptable family values candidate.

Wonder Woman

Heh. A woman mayor. Right. Because that gimmick worked so well with Sharon Pratt Kelly.

Seriously, though, how can D.C. possibly take someone seriously as a politician who struts around in a swimsuit? And while it may not be fair, her looks would just be too distracting. Remember how every straight man in America, Republican or Democrat, wanted to bang Sarah Palin last year? Imagine that, times a thousand.

Green Lantern

On the surface, Green Lantern seems like a good choice. He knows no fear, strong law and order background, and his ring is one of the most powerful weapons in the universe. And I especially like his valiant bust of Marion Barry last weekend.

The problem is, he's not just Green Lantern of D.C. He's not just Green Lantern of the United States. Hell, he's not just Green Lantern of Earth. He's Green Lantern of the entire Sector 2814. We can't have our mayor constantly flying off-world in order to help people who aren't us. Also, you never know when the Guardians of the Universe will send him on a long trip to some remote part of the galaxy to deal with the Manhunters or Sinestro or whatever, and then we'd be stuck with Guy Gardner as mayor.

Batgirl

"Hi, I'm Batgirl. I barely speak any English, and I recently spent some time as a mind-controlled supervillain. Can I be your mayor?" Uh...no.

The Atom

Okay, here's my problem with the Atom: There are two of them, and it's not even clear which one is running.

The Atom most prominently featured on the campaign website is Ryan Choi, the new Atom. BUT, the Atom pictured elsewhere on the site is clearly Ray Palmer, the original Atom (whose ex-wife went crazy and murdered the Elongated Man's wife by shrinking down and walking on her brain, but clearly, that's neither here nor there). So which Atom are we voting for? Until this is resolved, I call shenanigans.

Also, in his YouTube video, the Atom kind of comes off like a know-it-all prick, and after four years of Fenty, I would think we'd want to move away from that.

Batwoman

I can not, and I will not, support a superhero candidate who's stupid enough to put her secret identity in the bio section of her campaign site.

Also, I don't want to start any rumors, but have you ever noticed how you never see Batwoman out with a guy? I'm just saying.

Cyborg

Finally! A candidate I can totally get behind! As anyone who read New Teen Titans back in the day knows, Cyborg was far and away the coolest character in that series. Also, his Super Powers action figure is really rare and goes for a lot of money on eBay, so you know he has to be awesome. And to be perfectly blunt, he's the only African American candidate of the bunch, so you know that gives him a huge advantage in D.C. right there.

Okay, now yes, there was the time he attacked Earth as part of the race known as the Technis with the intention of turning the moon into new world for that species, and it took all of Earth's superheroes to stop him. And yes, he has this really horrible habit of getting blown up, so he'd be unable to serve as mayor for months at a time while he's getting rebuilt at S.T.A.R. Labs.

But come on...should these tiny little details really disqualify him from being mayor? Yes? They should? Really? Sigh...fine.

Okay, well, apparently, I'm unable to endorse any of the candidates. Personally, I'd start a draft Mr. Terrific movement, but I doubt he'd be interested.

So instead, I urge all D.C. residents to email the NOI, and demand they add a real consensus candidate to the ballot.

Someone who has proven himself to be a pillar of the community.

Someone who has unmatched leadership experience, having run organizations ranging from Lexcorp to the Injustice Gang to the Secret Society of Supervillains.

Someone who has executive experience in this timeline.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the next Mayor of the District of Columbia...Lex Luthor!

He's tanned, he's rested, he's ready, and he can't wait to kick a little superhero ass.