Marion Barry's dick

I almost feel sorry for Marion Barry. Almost. Not quite. Sort of. But not really.

Still, no man deserves to have his voicemails to a woman recorded and handed over a newspaper for mocking and ridicule. Especially if, as he claims in them, he's freaked out over her ex-husband supposedly threatening him.

Of course, this being Marion Barry, it's entirely possible--likely, even, given the later voicemails--that the ex-husband was legitimately looking out for Donna Watts-Brighthaupt, Barry's girlfriend/paid political crony, by doing what he could to protect her from the crazy, elderly, tax-cheating, drunk driving dude stalking her. Then, the voicemails take on a whole new meaning.

Anyway, it seems pointless to call for Barry to resign (he won't) or for Ward 8 voters to stop giving him a pass because of a summer jobs program he launched 30 years ago and force him out of office (they won't). So instead, I suggest we just look for clues in Barry's rambling, incoherent voicemails to find out exactly what makes him such a love machine.

Here are my favorite Marion Barry lines that I can't wait to try out on women:

"Only thing I’m doing is helping you with your life, I enhance your life..."

"I enhance your life." It's kind of like "You complete me," from Jerry Maguire, only less poetic and more self-aggrandizing.

"Anybody I tell that to be disgusted with you. So wake up, Donna. Come down here and enjoy yourself."

Implying she's disgusting, and then asking her to come down and enjoy herself? Can anyone go from insult to invitation as fast as Marion Barry? No wonder he constantly has a woman on his arm.

"…you need to focus on the fact that the person who is responsible has to step to the plate or get the heck out the way of those of us who want to step to the plate. But I’m not gonna step to the plate as long as the person who’s responsible for getting you into this don’t step to the plate..."

Women. Love. Sports. Metaphors. (The good ones do, anyway.) Granted, maybe not the exact same sports metaphor over and over, but still. Way to woo, Mayor for Life.

"Even if you had your ID you can’t come in, so don’t even come back down here because you part of this conspiracy to hurt me and harm me."

You know, if there was a conspiracy to hurt and/or harm Marion Barry, it's the worst conspiracy ever, because he keeps handing them ammunition, and they're not really doing anything with it.

But I like the idea of putting her on the defensive. Next time a girl dumps me, I'm going to accuse her of being part of a conspiracy to destroy me. And when she denies this, I'll say, "Prove it, don't break up with me." And she'll be trapped by my cunning.

"Don’t call me. I won’t call you. I won’t do anything crazy. I won’t call your mother. I won’t call any friends of yours or mine. I won’t do nothin’. Donna, watch right now. I’m gonna be off the radar screen. You oughtta take me off your radar screen. And you go about caring about yourself and you go about workin’. Put this to bed."

Next time I break up with a girl (admittedly, a rare occurance), and every break-up thereafter...this is going to be my break-up speech, word-for-word. I'm even going to leave "Donna" in there, even though chances are my girlfriend's name probably won't be Donna.

If nothing else, it'll soften the blow of getting dumped by me, as she realizes what a complete nutcase I am.

"Donna, you don’t have to answer your home phone but let me just say that I’m addicted to you."

And this will be how I try and win her back. (Still calling her Donna, even though it's not her name.)

And just like Marion Barry, I'll probably be accused of stalking. For good reason!