Last week, the Post ran an article that basically was about what dicks people are on the Metro. Specifically, how young guys tend to not give up their seats for those who need them, even when they're sitting in the priority section specifically reserved for the elderly or handicapped. Obviously, for anyone who's lived here longer than a week, the fact that people can be dicks on the Metro isn't exactly news, but since it seems like I read this exact same article once a year, I guess both Metro and the Post have to draw attention to this sort of thing every so often for the benefit of the people who just moved to D.C.
But, hey, Granny? I know that according to the article, it's generally guys like me who make your ride miserable, and I'm sorry about that. But you don't get a free pass on etiquette, either. It sucks you're old and all, but you still have to act like a human being on the Metro.
Just as the Post article helpfully instructs young men on how to act on the Metro, here are a few examples of bad behavior I've witnessed from your type that you might want to keep in mind.
1) A few weeks ago, an elderly woman got on my bus. It was only half full, so there were plenty of seats available, both priority and otherwise. But she seemed to want one seat in particular, the one on the end of the row of priority seats, which happened to be occupied by a guy playing his PSP. I don't know why she wanted that seat so badly, but she made a beeline for it, and stood in front of the guy for about ten seconds, just glaring down at him. The guy either didn't notice or pretended he didn't notice, and eventually, the woman gave up and sat down someplace else.
Lesson For Old People: You're entitled to a seat on the Metro. Not any seat you want.
2) Once, I boarded an Orange Line train during morning rush hour. This is never a fun experience, but on this day in particular, it was really bad, with everyone pressed together like sardines. I ended up standing right next to the priority seats. An old woman was sitting in one of them. I had my messenger bag slung around my shoulder, and as the train moved, the bag lightly (and I mean lightly) bumped the woman on her leg. After this happened a couple of more times, she gave me a dirty look and said, "You can put your bag on the floor."
Actually, I couldn't have. There was no space on the floor. I would have been putting it down on someone's feet. And when people started moving, it could have gotten kicked or scuffed up or something. But even if I could, I wouldn't have, because I hated the woman's attitude.
Regardless of whether you're old, handicapped, or pregnant, if you're sitting down on a crowded Metro train, at least you have some semblance of personal space. I have no idea what Hell is like, but I wouldn't be surprised if it involved being forced to stand while riding a packed subway train for all eternity. So if you're lucky enough to have a seat and a bag taps you every couple of minutes, just deal with it.
As for the woman, I thought about saying something, but decided against it. So I just looked at her and shook my head no. She didn't like this response, but she also seemed to realize no good could possibly come of getting into it on a crowded train. By the time we reached her stop, the train had emptied considerably, and from the way she was looking at me as it pulled into the station, I think she was going to say something as she got off. But the joke was on her, since it was also my stop, and by the time she was able to get off the train, I was already halfway out the station. Because old people are slow.
Lesson For Old People: Crowded Metro trains are a miserable fucking experience for everyone. Yes, even you. If you don't like it, avoid trains during rush hour or get your son to hire you a Cadillac and a driver.
3) During afternoon rush hour, there were lines to get through the gates at Gallery Place. There was an old woman directly in front of me. She touches her SmarTrip card to the sensor. It doesn't work. She touches it again. It doesn't work. She touches it again. It doesn't work. She touches it again. It doesn't work. She looked back at me and smiled apologetically. I smiled back. She touches it again. It doesn't work. She touches it again. It doesn't work. She smiled at me again.
I started to suggest that maybe she should see the station manager. (Who naturally, would be no help whatsoever, but by this point, I've seen the two other lines briskly moving along, and I can hear the annoyed murmurs of the people behind me. And even though I knew those murmurs weren't directed at me, it still sort of felt like they were.) But before I could, she touches the card again. It doesn't work. She touches it again. It doesn't work. Some guy a few people behind me said, "Oh, come on," and even though he was sort of being a dick, I could understand where he was coming from.
"Hey, so it doesn't seem to be working..." I said politely, forcing the smile to stay on my face. Instead of smiling back, though, she gave me a hurt look and sort of wandered off towards the manager's booth. I felt like an asshole.
Lesson For Old People: Look, I know that being old, technology vexes you. But if something isn't working, trying it over and over again isn't going to work.
4) This morning, people at my stop had just finished boarding the bus and it was starting to pull away, when I saw a woman (I'd say early-to-mid 60s) about twenty yards away, running towards the bus, frantically waving for the driver to wait. And she was really booking, too. At the last moment, the bus driver saw her, stopped the bus, and opened the door. At which point, the woman promptly stopped running, and...I can't even say that she started to walk. More like started to stroll leisurely towards the bus. She wasn't in pain or limping or anything. She wasn't out of breath. She just apparently decided that since the bus was waiting for her, there was no longer a need to hurry. She even stopped to grab a copy of the Express. Everyone was watching her out the windows, and everyone wanted to kill her.
Lesson For Old People: If you can't run, don't risk injury by running after a bus and wait for the next one. If you can run, don't you dare stop until you're on the damn bus. That extra thirty seconds to a minute may not seem like a big deal to you, but it creates a snowball effect, where next we miss the light, and then we get caught in traffic, and as a result, people miss their train.
Besides, you're old. You don't have that much time left. Move it!
But, hey, Granny? I know that according to the article, it's generally guys like me who make your ride miserable, and I'm sorry about that. But you don't get a free pass on etiquette, either. It sucks you're old and all, but you still have to act like a human being on the Metro.
Just as the Post article helpfully instructs young men on how to act on the Metro, here are a few examples of bad behavior I've witnessed from your type that you might want to keep in mind.
1) A few weeks ago, an elderly woman got on my bus. It was only half full, so there were plenty of seats available, both priority and otherwise. But she seemed to want one seat in particular, the one on the end of the row of priority seats, which happened to be occupied by a guy playing his PSP. I don't know why she wanted that seat so badly, but she made a beeline for it, and stood in front of the guy for about ten seconds, just glaring down at him. The guy either didn't notice or pretended he didn't notice, and eventually, the woman gave up and sat down someplace else.
Lesson For Old People: You're entitled to a seat on the Metro. Not any seat you want.
2) Once, I boarded an Orange Line train during morning rush hour. This is never a fun experience, but on this day in particular, it was really bad, with everyone pressed together like sardines. I ended up standing right next to the priority seats. An old woman was sitting in one of them. I had my messenger bag slung around my shoulder, and as the train moved, the bag lightly (and I mean lightly) bumped the woman on her leg. After this happened a couple of more times, she gave me a dirty look and said, "You can put your bag on the floor."
Actually, I couldn't have. There was no space on the floor. I would have been putting it down on someone's feet. And when people started moving, it could have gotten kicked or scuffed up or something. But even if I could, I wouldn't have, because I hated the woman's attitude.
Regardless of whether you're old, handicapped, or pregnant, if you're sitting down on a crowded Metro train, at least you have some semblance of personal space. I have no idea what Hell is like, but I wouldn't be surprised if it involved being forced to stand while riding a packed subway train for all eternity. So if you're lucky enough to have a seat and a bag taps you every couple of minutes, just deal with it.
As for the woman, I thought about saying something, but decided against it. So I just looked at her and shook my head no. She didn't like this response, but she also seemed to realize no good could possibly come of getting into it on a crowded train. By the time we reached her stop, the train had emptied considerably, and from the way she was looking at me as it pulled into the station, I think she was going to say something as she got off. But the joke was on her, since it was also my stop, and by the time she was able to get off the train, I was already halfway out the station. Because old people are slow.
Lesson For Old People: Crowded Metro trains are a miserable fucking experience for everyone. Yes, even you. If you don't like it, avoid trains during rush hour or get your son to hire you a Cadillac and a driver.
3) During afternoon rush hour, there were lines to get through the gates at Gallery Place. There was an old woman directly in front of me. She touches her SmarTrip card to the sensor. It doesn't work. She touches it again. It doesn't work. She touches it again. It doesn't work. She touches it again. It doesn't work. She looked back at me and smiled apologetically. I smiled back. She touches it again. It doesn't work. She touches it again. It doesn't work. She smiled at me again.
I started to suggest that maybe she should see the station manager. (Who naturally, would be no help whatsoever, but by this point, I've seen the two other lines briskly moving along, and I can hear the annoyed murmurs of the people behind me. And even though I knew those murmurs weren't directed at me, it still sort of felt like they were.) But before I could, she touches the card again. It doesn't work. She touches it again. It doesn't work. Some guy a few people behind me said, "Oh, come on," and even though he was sort of being a dick, I could understand where he was coming from.
"Hey, so it doesn't seem to be working..." I said politely, forcing the smile to stay on my face. Instead of smiling back, though, she gave me a hurt look and sort of wandered off towards the manager's booth. I felt like an asshole.
Lesson For Old People: Look, I know that being old, technology vexes you. But if something isn't working, trying it over and over again isn't going to work.
4) This morning, people at my stop had just finished boarding the bus and it was starting to pull away, when I saw a woman (I'd say early-to-mid 60s) about twenty yards away, running towards the bus, frantically waving for the driver to wait. And she was really booking, too. At the last moment, the bus driver saw her, stopped the bus, and opened the door. At which point, the woman promptly stopped running, and...I can't even say that she started to walk. More like started to stroll leisurely towards the bus. She wasn't in pain or limping or anything. She wasn't out of breath. She just apparently decided that since the bus was waiting for her, there was no longer a need to hurry. She even stopped to grab a copy of the Express. Everyone was watching her out the windows, and everyone wanted to kill her.
Lesson For Old People: If you can't run, don't risk injury by running after a bus and wait for the next one. If you can run, don't you dare stop until you're on the damn bus. That extra thirty seconds to a minute may not seem like a big deal to you, but it creates a snowball effect, where next we miss the light, and then we get caught in traffic, and as a result, people miss their train.
Besides, you're old. You don't have that much time left. Move it!
3 comments:
That article was hilarious! Featuring the blind woman had me confused about the correlation between not being able to see and not being able to STAND. Because from what I saw, her legs seemed to be in perfect working order.
It's funny: People generally want us to mind our own business. But then when we do we get accused of being rude.
Me, I've got my nose in a book the whole way. If someone wants my seat they're going to have to fucking ask me for it. And then I'd gladly give it up. But I'm not going to check the entrants every time the freakin' train stops.
Amen! And also, can we create a vaccine to help with whatever it is in my nature that encourages creepy people to sit next to me? Creepy old men, specifically. Who want to chat and want to know how old I am and if I'm "from" DC.
Hmph, that might've been me saying "Oh come on!" at the metro stop. I got no patience for them elderly folk. We need to turn this country into Logan's Run and quick.
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