Whew! Just got back from an exhilarating round of the Ice-T Game. I'm covered in sweat and other people's blood, but I feel great. Tired, but great.
Hmmm? What's the Ice-T Game? Oh, well, a few years ago, when Gibbs was running the team and Vinny and I were...well, sort of encouraged to stay as hands off as possible, we were hanging out in my office watching TV, when this movie called Surviving the Game, starring Ice-T, came on.
Greatest. Movie. Ever.
See, that's the kind of movie I wanted to make with my good friend Tom Cruise, but instead, somehow ended up co-producing that stupid piece of shit about friendly Nazis that came out last year.
When it was over, Vinny turned to me and said, "Hey, Mr. Snyder, we should do that!"
"Do what?" I asked.
"Kidnap homeless people and hunt them for sport!"
I couldn't think of any reason not to, so every summer since then, when FedEx Field is shut down, we set a few homeless people loose in the stadium, and me and my rich friends--and Vinny, who's neither rich nor my friend, but it was his idea--go hunting. It's great fun, and no one gets hurt. Well, no one who will be missed gets hurt. And when it's over, we put the homeless people's heads in formaldehyde and save them as trophies. I'm not actually sure why we do that, but it seemed to make the characters in the movie happy.
Oh, I almost forgot: we call it the Ice-T Game because I tried to explain to Vinny about how the movie was based upon "The Most Dangerous Game," the classic short story by Richard Connell, but that just confused him. Vinny couldn't understand how something could be both a book and movie. So I decided to keep it simple and just go with The Ice-T Game.
Anyway, I'm not here to brag about our summer recreational activities. I'm here to discuss Ted Lerner and the Nationals' first round draft pick.
This is the kind of stuff that drives me absolutely nuts: A couple of months ago, I gave Albert Haynesworth a $100 million contract. All the fans went apeshit wild, calling me stupid for giving him that much money. Then this week, the Nationals draft Steven Strasburg, and there's speculation that they might balk at giving him the $50 million contract he'll likely demand. And all the fans are going apeshit wild, calling them stupid for not giving him that much money.
What am I missing here? Seriously, what the fuck am I missing?
Unlike the NFL, there is no salary cap in MLB. Theoretically, the Nats could give Strasburg a google dollar contract. Conversely, here I am, having to labor under this silly salary cap bullshit, and I find a way to land the most coveted free agent in the game while still re-signing all our other players, and I'm the bad guy?
Whatever. All I know is that if I owned the Nats, I would have had that kid signed an hour after the draft ended. I would have given him his $50 million AND a Coke, and he'd be on the mound for tonight's game.
Furthermore, I'd like to point how how outdated the idea of a salary cap is. If you look at the NFL, you see a handful of powerhouse teams routinely dominating the regular season and playoffs. Meanwhile, over the past decade, capless-MLB has enjoyed parity not seen in any other professional sports league.
Do you have any idea how awesome it would be without a salary cap? The Redskins would win a minimum of 95 Super Bowls over the next century. I'd sign Tom Brady, then I'd sign Peyton Manning to be his back-up. Other teams would probably not even show up to play, so I'd have to have, like, U2 or the Jonas Brothers on stand-by to perform for the crowd at FedEx.
That's how awesome it would be: Jonas Brothers awesome!
Great, now I'm all worked up. Fortunately, I'm pretty sure we have some homeless people left over. I was going to save them for next week, but I need to blow off some steam. In the meantime, D.C., enjoy your hapless baseball team, and it's even more hapless owner. And the next time you feel like complaining about Daniel M. Snyder and the way He runs the Redskins, just remember, it could be worse: I could be fucking Ted Lerner. Then what would you do?
Hmmm? What's the Ice-T Game? Oh, well, a few years ago, when Gibbs was running the team and Vinny and I were...well, sort of encouraged to stay as hands off as possible, we were hanging out in my office watching TV, when this movie called Surviving the Game, starring Ice-T, came on.
Greatest. Movie. Ever.
See, that's the kind of movie I wanted to make with my good friend Tom Cruise, but instead, somehow ended up co-producing that stupid piece of shit about friendly Nazis that came out last year.
When it was over, Vinny turned to me and said, "Hey, Mr. Snyder, we should do that!"
"Do what?" I asked.
"Kidnap homeless people and hunt them for sport!"
I couldn't think of any reason not to, so every summer since then, when FedEx Field is shut down, we set a few homeless people loose in the stadium, and me and my rich friends--and Vinny, who's neither rich nor my friend, but it was his idea--go hunting. It's great fun, and no one gets hurt. Well, no one who will be missed gets hurt. And when it's over, we put the homeless people's heads in formaldehyde and save them as trophies. I'm not actually sure why we do that, but it seemed to make the characters in the movie happy.
Oh, I almost forgot: we call it the Ice-T Game because I tried to explain to Vinny about how the movie was based upon "The Most Dangerous Game," the classic short story by Richard Connell, but that just confused him. Vinny couldn't understand how something could be both a book and movie. So I decided to keep it simple and just go with The Ice-T Game.
Anyway, I'm not here to brag about our summer recreational activities. I'm here to discuss Ted Lerner and the Nationals' first round draft pick.
This is the kind of stuff that drives me absolutely nuts: A couple of months ago, I gave Albert Haynesworth a $100 million contract. All the fans went apeshit wild, calling me stupid for giving him that much money. Then this week, the Nationals draft Steven Strasburg, and there's speculation that they might balk at giving him the $50 million contract he'll likely demand. And all the fans are going apeshit wild, calling them stupid for not giving him that much money.
What am I missing here? Seriously, what the fuck am I missing?
Unlike the NFL, there is no salary cap in MLB. Theoretically, the Nats could give Strasburg a google dollar contract. Conversely, here I am, having to labor under this silly salary cap bullshit, and I find a way to land the most coveted free agent in the game while still re-signing all our other players, and I'm the bad guy?
Whatever. All I know is that if I owned the Nats, I would have had that kid signed an hour after the draft ended. I would have given him his $50 million AND a Coke, and he'd be on the mound for tonight's game.
Furthermore, I'd like to point how how outdated the idea of a salary cap is. If you look at the NFL, you see a handful of powerhouse teams routinely dominating the regular season and playoffs. Meanwhile, over the past decade, capless-MLB has enjoyed parity not seen in any other professional sports league.
Do you have any idea how awesome it would be without a salary cap? The Redskins would win a minimum of 95 Super Bowls over the next century. I'd sign Tom Brady, then I'd sign Peyton Manning to be his back-up. Other teams would probably not even show up to play, so I'd have to have, like, U2 or the Jonas Brothers on stand-by to perform for the crowd at FedEx.
That's how awesome it would be: Jonas Brothers awesome!
Great, now I'm all worked up. Fortunately, I'm pretty sure we have some homeless people left over. I was going to save them for next week, but I need to blow off some steam. In the meantime, D.C., enjoy your hapless baseball team, and it's even more hapless owner. And the next time you feel like complaining about Daniel M. Snyder and the way He runs the Redskins, just remember, it could be worse: I could be fucking Ted Lerner. Then what would you do?
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