Tourist dollars

This is a surreptitiously-taken photo of a family of tourists drinking coffee on the train yesterday, in direct defiance of the Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority, and indeed, God Himself. And considering that Metro fines people--in theory, anyway--$100 per violation, these tourists represented $300 in much needed revenue.

Of course, that $300 was never collected. Where were transit cops or Metro employees? Nowhere to be seen. (And even when they are seen, they're apparently nice guys who hate writing citations. Personally, I have yet to actually encounter a Metro employee who hasn't seemingly gone out of his or her way to be a dick, but I'm thrilled to find out they exist.) The system is just too big, and there are just too few of them.

Fortunately, I have the solution.

When I was in elementary school, I was a patrol. For those of you who went to schools that didn't have patrol programs, it worked like this: If you were a student with no behavioral problems--and more importantly, if you had self-esteem issues and got off on having authority--you could sign up to be a patrol. You got a reflective orange belt and badge, and it was your job to make sure the "civilian" students behaved at the bus stop and on the bus. Also, when the bus arrived, you went out in the middle of the street and got to hold up traffic while the students boarded, which actually was cool, because it was the first time you ever got to tell adults what to do.

There was actually a patrol camp held each summer, where patrols could go to...I dunno, learn better patrolling techniques or something. I have no idea. But the ones who went got promotions (yes, we had ranks) and nicer badges. I never went to patrol camp, but I felt a bit of jealousy towards those who did. Their badges really were much nicer.

Since "patrol" isn't really something one can put on a college application, the only reward we got was the pleasure that came from bossing around our fellow students, and a patrol field trip each year to a movie theater where we got to see a free movie. The year I was a patrol, the movie was Benji the Hunted. So really, kind of a shitty reward.

But I digress. My point is, Metro should have a program where people can sign up to be patrols and bust people who violate the rules by eating and drinking on the train. So for example, yesterday, I would have gone up to this family in the photo, pulled out my Metro patrol badge, and informed them they were breaking the rules. At that point, it would be up to me to decide whether to issue a warning or a citation. And I don't know if this part would be legal, so I'll be a little circumspect, but let's just say that if you were from out of town, your chances of getting a citation would go way, way up. Because what are tourists other than walking dollar bills?

As far as compensation goes, patrols would receive...let's say 10% of any fines they generate. So really, this program wouldn't cost Metro anything other than the cost of training and badges. Maybe guns. We might need guns down the road. But for now just badges.

Seems like this is a plan where almost everyone wins. Metro wins, because they'll make a lot of money. Patrols win, because they'll make a lot of money. Passengers win, because they'll have clean trains. Tourists lose, but no one gives a shit. And I win, because I'll finally get to go to patrol camp.