Best and Worst of 2008: Comics

Best:

5) Joker (DC)

As close as we're ever going to get to a Dark Knight sequel featuring Heath Ledger's portrayal of the Joker, this graphic novel features both a far more grounded and thus, far creepier, version of the character than we're used to. And what he does to Two Face here, makes what he did to him in The Dark Knight, seem like child's play.



4) Greatest Hits (Vertigo)

Have you ever wondered what it would be like if the Beatles had been superheroes? Sure you have! Well, wonder no longer, as this series attempts to answer this important question. Forget the Justice League. As the Mates bicker their way through the 60s and 70s, you get the feeling that this probably is what a team of superheroes would be like in real life.




3) Booster Gold (DC)

It's taken a bit of a dip in quality since Geoff Johns and Jeff Katz left earlier this year, but it's still one of the few high points of the current DCU. Mainly because it's not afraid to actually have fun, something that seems to have become verboten at DC as of late.







2) The Boys (Dynamite)

Garth Ennis continues to have fun at the expense of the superhero genre, but does so in a way that has just as much insight as insult. As the series approaches its halfway point, we're getting a clearer picture of where he's going with the story and characters, and even though the initial punch of the series has worn off, Ennis is still capable of delivering shock value, such as with the truly unsettling 9/11 issue.


1) All Star Superman (DC)

I've never been a big Superman fan, mainly because I can count the number of writers on one hand who really seem to "get" the character. Grant Morrison gets Superman in a big, big way. All Star Superman isn't just a great comic, it's a mind blowing experience that should be required reading for whoever it is that takes the next stab at a Superman movie.



Worst:

5) Final Crisis (DC)

In an industry full of superhero comics that seem perfectly content to be average (if that), is it possible for a mainstream superhero book to actually be too ambitious? As it turns out, yes. There are moments of absolute brilliance in Final Crisis, but they're outnumbered and overshadowed by too many moments of incoherence, confusion, and Grant Morrison being too clever for his own good. There's still time for it to turn around before its conclusion, but I'm not holding my breath.


4) All Star Batman & Robin the Boy Wonder (DC)

Three years in, it's basically pointless to complain about this book. It is what it is, and you either loathe it or see some sort of great joke that the majority of readers doesn't. Still, while I'm really glad Frank Miller seems to be enjoying himself, for anyone who got excited when they heard that the writer of Year One and Dark Knight Returns was coming back to Batman, this continues to be a slap in the face. The fact DC was only to get out two or three issues this past year, one of which had to be recalled, only made it worse.


3) DC Universe Decisions (DC)

To be fair, there was probably no way this could have been any good. The concept was just too weak. It's like giving someone a bag of manure and a hammer and asking them to build you a house. But it didn't have to be this bad, either. The annoying thing is, there probably is a great story to be mined in exploring the uneasy relationship between politics and superheroes, but this certainly wasn't it.


2) Superman & Batman vs. Vampires & Werewolves (DC)

I swear to God, I can't believe I live in a world where a comic called Superman & Batman vs. Vampires & Werewolves actually got published. It seems like a concept a 12 year-old fanfic writer would come up with. Reads like it, too. A talented artist like Tom Mandrake deserves so much better than this.




1) Titans (DC)

I like Judd Winick. I met him at the Baltimore Comic-Con a few years back, and he could not have been nicer. But I've never thought his superhero stuff is particularly strong, and this book is his worst yet. An uninspiring series of artists, and the fact that it's edited by Dan DiDio, architect of the DCU's decline these past few years, doesn't help, either. Judd: Go back to the indy comics you excelled at. Dan: Retire? Please? Or if not, at least put this book out of its misery.

Best and Worst of 2008: TV

Best:

5. Mad Men

Aside from just being a great show, it's impossible for me to watch it and not feel an urge to have a cigarette and slap my secretary on the ass. Which is even more impressive when you consider that I don't smoke or have a secretary. If only more shows made you feel like that.

4. Chuck

I'm not sure when or how, but at some point this show, which I'd only half-paid attention to last year, became must-see television. The basic premise and the acting were always good, but this year, the humor got sharper, the plots got better, and the previously unwatchable action scenes became...well, watchable. Also, they keep finding new excuses to put Yvonne Strahovski in tiny outfits.

3. Lost

Monster comeback for a show that seemed to have gone past its expiration date. Usually, when a show shoves this many new characters and/or concepts at you this late into its run, it's a sign of desperation and fails miserably. Here, it wound up being a huge improvement. I still suspect they have no idea where they're going with the story, and are just making it up as they go along, but if the end result continues to be this good, I guess it doesn't matter.

2. Life

I'm not a big fan of cop shows. Probably the result of being forced to watch Hunter with my parents when I was a kid. But this one is quirky enough that it almost doesn't even feel like a cop show. The cases are generally creative and engaging, and even when they're not, the real appeal is just watching Charlie Crews zen his way through life. Also, they keep finding new excuses to put Sarah Shahi in tiny outfits.

1. 30 Rock

By far the funniest show on television, even though NBC seems determined to screw it up this season through horrible stunt casting. Liz Lemon is the most perfect woman on the planet (cute, funny, wears glasses, and prefers to discuss pop culture than politics), and Alec Baldwin should win every award ever for his brilliant performance.


Worst:

5. Dirty Sexy Money

I kind of dug this show in its first season. It wasn't anything brilliant, but it was an amusing little series that didn't take itself too seriously. This year, it decided it actually was a serious show after all, and it promptly got canceled. Other than self-professed fan Michael Wilbon, I can't imagine too many people will miss it.

4. 90210

Even though I wasn't a Beverly Hills 90210 viewer back in the day, I watched a couple of episodes of this out of morbid curiosity and was appalled at how bad it is. Granted, I'm not a teenage girl, so I'm not exactly in the CW's target demo, but I can't imagine even they find this crap entertaining. Then again, High School Musical 3 made $90 million, so apparently, teenage girls are a dumb lot.

3. Entourage

I'm completely lost. Am I supposed to be rooting for Vince to succeed or fail? Because by the end of the season, I was hoping he and pretty much every other character except for maybe Turtle would go down in flames. And the end of the finale, where Martin Scorsese just calls up out of the blue and offers Vince the lead in his new film, was even less believable than the mega-happy ending in Wayne's World.

2. Knight Rider

I think those of us who were kids in the 80s tend to romanticize the action/adventure shows we grew up with, like the original Knight Rider, The A-Team, Air Wolf, MacGyver, etc. But as adults, when we're alone at night? When it's just us, a DVD player, a season set from one of those shows, and a half-empty bottle of scotch? We're forced to face the fact that for the most part, those shows really fucking sucked. This remake was even worse. Much, much worse.

1. Heroes

Has any show ever fallen so far, so fast? After a great first season, a horrible second one, and an even worse third season, I'm willing to declare Heroes the champ. Hey, Heroes? Instead of continuing to rip off X-Men stories, why not steal from Crisis on Infinite Earths? Because this is a show in desperate need for multiple deaths and a major continuity clean-up.

Best and Worst of 2008: Movies

Best:

5. Rambo

93 minutes of plot-free blood, carnage, and mayhem. To hate this movie is to hate America. It's hard to say what my favorite part was. Was it when Rambo ripped out a man's throat with his bare hands? When Rambo single-handedly shot a boatload of Burmese pirates to death? I can't choose. They're all my favorite parts.

4. Dance of the Dead

This film has everything anyone could possibly want. Laughs, teenage angst, gory zombie action, and not one, but two, really kicking covers of "Shadows of the Night." What more can you reasonably ask for from a horror film? Aside from a sequel, I mean.

3. Iron Man

In any year other than the one that The Dark Knight was released, Iron Man would be hailed as the greatest superhero movie ever made. And indeed, in spite of it coming out the same year as The Dark Knight, some wrongheaded people (looking at you, Wizard) are foolishly trying to make that claim. But it's still a great film with such great performances that you barely notice how formulaic it is.

2. Wall-E

I honestly can't say exactly why I loved this film so much, but as a comedy, a love story, and a cautionary tale about lethargy, everything just clicks. Probably the best thing Pixar's ever produced, which, obviously, is no small compliment.

1. The Dark Knight

This was a no-brainer. It's not perfect, but it's probably as close to perfect as any superhero film will ever get. 20 years from now, people will still be talking about Heath Ledger's performance. And unfortunately, still probably dressing like him for Halloween, too.


Worst:

5. Doomsday

75% Mad Max rip-off, 25% Escape From New York rip-off, 100% shit. I fully support the idea of Rhona Mitra as an action star, but in better movies than this.

4. Vantage Point

You know how with some movies, lots of stuff happens, but nothing ever really seems to actually happen? Vantage Point is a textbook example of this. There's lots of running around and loud noises, there's a really underwhelming twist, some great actors pick up a quick mortgage payment, and that's about it.

3. Diary of the Dead

A horrible, pretentious, and completely unnecessary semi-reboot of Romero's classic Dead series, the creator of the modern zombie film managed to do with apparent ease what even the hackiest directors have to work hard to accomplish: make a boring zombie movie. I'd say, "Here's hoping Island of the Dead will be better," but it's virtually impossible to imagine how it couldn't be.

2. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

I loved the first Mummy, but the second one sucked, and this one somehow found a way to be much, much worse. When Rachel Weisz refused to come back, that should have been a really good indication that the film shouldn't be made. This is a franchise that, if it continues--and it shouldn't--has "straight-to-DVD" written all over it. And speaking of franchises that shouldn't continue...

1. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

As big a no-brainer as The Dark Knight was. Unlike The Dark Knight, though, this film is not only not perfect, it's so fucking far away from perfect that you could give it a compass and a map to perfect, and it would die of hunger before it ever reached it. It's impossible to overstate how terrible this film was on basically every level. I'm sure Spielberg and Lucas have led good lives in general, but if I were God, I'd send them to hell for this. Maybe not for all eternity. But at least for a few centuries.

Philadelphian of the Year

You know, it's not very often I give Philly props. Other than cheesesteaks, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and Rocky, Rocky II, and Rocky IV (but not Rocky III, V, or Balboa) nothing of any real worth has ever come out of that city. Until now.

A South Philadelphia man enraged because a family was talking during a Christmas showing of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button decided to deal with the situation by shooting the father, police said. James Joseph Cialella Jr., 29, of the 1900 block of South Hollywood Street, is charged with attempted murder, aggravated assault and weapons violations. (Philadelphia Inquirer)

There seems to be a few typos in the article. Instead of saying that Cialella should be considered a role model for moviegoers everywhere and was given the key to the city, it says something about him being arrested and charged with attempted murder? That can't possibly be right, can it?

Let's be clear, here. It doesn't matter if you have a kid. (And why bring your kid to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, anyway? I barely stayed awake during it, and I'm an adult. I can only imagine how bored a kid must have been.) You shouldn't be talking during a movie. And if you do, I think you give up your right not to get shot. Simple as that.

Now, maybe if the guy had just opened fire on the family without warning, that would be one thing. But as the article clearly states, "Cialella told the family to be quiet and threw popcorn at a boy who had been talking to his father." So there you go. And besides, if a guy in a movie theater starts throwing popcorn at me, I'm just going to assume right off the bat that he probably has a gun, and shut the hell up.

Ultimately, I just don't get how the man who shoots someone for talking in a movie theater is persecuted by the government, but the evil family that provoked the attack is allowed to go home scot-free. And one unfortunate side effect of this is that if Cialella goes to prison, we're probably going to see a sharp reduction in the number of rage-motivated movie theater shootings.

Is that really the America we want to live in? Because I sure as heck don't.

Week Seventeen NFL picks

9-7 last week; 112-127 for the season

St. Louis at Atlanta (-14): St. Louis

Jacksonville at Baltimore (-12.5): Baltimore

New England at Buffalo (-6): New England

Kansas City at Cincinnati (-3): Kansas City

Detroit at Green Bay (-11): Detroit

Chicago at Houston (-3): Houston

Tennessee at Indianapolis (+3): Indianapolis

New York Giants at Minnesota (-7): New York

Carolina at New Orleans (+2.5): Carolina

Miami at New York Jets (-2.5): Miami

Dallas at Philadelphia (-1): Dallas

Cleveland at Pittsburgh (-11): Pittsburgh

Oakland at Tampa Bay (-13): Tampa Bay

Seattle at Arizona (-7): Seattle

Washington at San Francisco (-3): Washington

Denver at San Diego (-8): Denver

Panel of the Week

From Batman #683:

The National Christmas Tree: A review

Over the years, the National Christmas Tree has, I feel, become something of a joke. Or if not a joke, something that's done more out of tradition than any real enthusiasm.

Pretty much all the same complaints I had exactly two years ago today still stand. The train displays still suck. The state trees still suck. I'm still waiting on the return of pretzels and hot chocolate. (They weren't even good pretzels and hot chocolate. But on a freezing December night, anything hot was welcome.) And there's still way too much open space in the middle of the field where it seems like something entertaining could go.

Basically, it comes down to a distinct lack of imagination on the part of the National Park Service. The National Christmas Tree could be a kick-ass must-see event each year. It could be something that even the most jaded Washingtonian makes a point of checking out. Instead, it's the exact same display year in, year out. I'm not saying it has to be a new flashy display every single year. But on the other hand, it also shouldn't be the same display I saw when I was 10.

In fairness, they did try something new this year:

They erected a "Santa's Workshop" where kids could go inside and visit with Santa. I thought this was a very nice touch, although for some reason, when I passed by, the elf in charge of crowd control was busy explaining to annoyed parents why she couldn't let anyone in. Ah, well. What are you going to do? Fucking elves.

Given how many problems there are in the world, I'm not sure where an overhaul of the National Christmas Tree display ranks on Obama's list of things to fix. Probably not in the top ten, and possibly not even in the top fifty, though hopefully, it at least makes the top hundred. I would urge him to give it a higher priority, though. The economy, the war, terrorism...these aren't things that are going to be simple to fix. A better National Christmas Tree, though? Talk about an easy win.

Panel of the Week

From The Greatest American Hero #1:

Politics and pros

Among the millions of people traveling to DC for the inauguration, there could be a fair share of prostitutes and sex traffickers.

It is no secret to anyone who studies the world's oldest profession that big events are magnets for prostitution. From major sporting events like the World Cup to political conventions, authorities count on a surge in sex trafficking during those weekends. In the United States, many of the women involved are natives. (WUSA)

I get the feeling that this is mainly considered a problem because unlike the bars and nightclubs the city council happily bent the rules for, they can't tax prostitution. If they could, Marion Barry would all but be standing on the Memorial Bridge holding a big sign saying, "Welcome, Hookers!" (Although, he's liable to do that on any given night, regardless.)

Here's my advice to any prostitutes looking to pick up a little post-holiday cash by working the Inauguration: Don't bother.

Seriously, it's not worth your time. Anyone will be able to get laid during Inauguration Weekend. An-y-one. For free. It's going to be...not even wall-to-wall. More like, street-corner-to-street-corner eager, excited people looking for a good time. The typical 2 a.m. bar conversation will go something like this:

"Hey! Did you vote for Obama?"

"Yeah! You?"

"Yeah! Want to fuck?"

"Sure!"

Okay, maybe not those exact words, but close enough. When it comes to sex in D.C. from January 17-20, it'll be a buyer's market, and that doesn't strike me as particularly beneficial to the prostitution biz.

Now, your high-end prostitutes--the Ashley Dupré or Jessica Cutler types--might be thinking that based on their good looks and pedigree, they'll be able to find some schmuck willing to fork over a few thousand dollars for a night in heaven. And maybe a few will. But considering that every hotel in the city is booked solid, and there will likely be heavy traffic in and out of their lobbies 24/7, is some guy really going to take the chance that he gets spotted or, God forbid, captured on some family's camcorder as they record their video diary of their trip? Doubtful.

Personally, I foresee a lot of disgruntled out-of-town hookers sitting in a bar together, commiserating over what a bust the trip was, and how much D.C. sucks.

Unless...

When I was in college, this guy we knew announced one day out of the blue that after graduation, he was going to become a pimp. We all laughed. No, he said, he was serious. Jobs were for suckers, and he was going to move to either New York or L.A., gather up a stable of girls made up primarily of out-of-work actresses, and become a pimp. We all shifted uncomfortably, and that just hung there for a bit before someone changed the subject.

But now I'm thinking he might have had the right idea. I have no desire to become a pimp, per se, but I could definitely supply a place for visiting hookers to ply their trade. I'll even provide a free shuttle to and from the Metro. All I want is 1/3 of the take, and new sheets for my bed. I would only ask that people pick up after themselves. I don't want to be finding used condoms over the next few weeks. I also reserve the right to install hidden cameras. Not for my own viewing pleasure, but apparently, people will pay good money for that kind of stuff on the Internet. Oh, and let's try and keep this whole thing STD free, okay? If both hookers and johns could bring a doctor's note dated within the last month or so that everything's cool down there, that would be great.

I'm not really sure how this part of the process works, if it's cool to ask prospective hookers for head shots, or if it's generally just done on a first come, first served basis. But anyone who wants to set up shop at Motel Scotus, otherwise known as the best little whorehouse in D.C., shoot me an email. We may not be the Mayflower, but at least the FBI won't bust you here. Plus, free cable.

Week Sixteen NFL Picks

9-7 last week; 103-120 for the season

Indianapolis at Jacksonville (+6): Indianapolis

Baltimore at Dallas (-4): Baltimore

Cincinnati at Cleveland (-3): Cincinnati

Pittsburgh at Tennessee (+2): Pittsburgh

San Francisco at St. Louis (+5.5): San Francisco

San Diego at Tampa Bay (-3.5): San Diego

Miami at Kansas City (+4): Kansas City

New Orleans at Detroit (+7): Detroit

Arizona at New England (-8): New England

Houston at Oakland (+7): Oakland

Buffalo at Denver (-7): Buffalo

New York Jets at Seattle (+5): New York Jets

Atlanta at Minnesota (-3.5): Atlanta

Philadelphia at Washington (+5): Washington

Carolina at New York Giants (-3): Carolina

Green Bay at Chicago (-4): Chicago

Thanks, Marissa!

Given the insane abundance of blogging talent in D.C. (and no, that's not a euphemism for Chris Cooley's penis), the answer to "What's your favorite local blog?" should never be The D.C. Universe.

And yet, Marissa, the insightful, witty, and frankly, hot, writer of The Anti DC, said otherwise in her Washingtonian profile today, for which I'm very grateful. If you're not reading her blog, you're missing out on the full D.C. blogger experience. (For those without Internet access, said experience can also be had by watching people act like assholes on the Metro during morning rush hour, getting drunk in Georgetown or Adams Morgan and then coming up with all the things you hate about Georgetown or Adams Morgan, or complaining about how much the Redskins suck, all longtime staples of the D.C. blogging community.)

And for the record...how does anyone know I'm not Chuck Woolery? Bwa-ha-ha.

Guest blogger Dan Snyder

I wish you people would make up your damn minds.

For years, I've been criticized (persecuted, really) for rushing into hasty personnel moves when it comes to the Redskins. Jeff George. Deion Sanders. Steve Spurrier. And so on. So when I kicked Joe Gibbs' liver spotted ass to the curb...I mean, when Joe Gibbs opted to step down in spite of my best efforts to persuade him to stay...I decided to take my time in choosing his replacement.

I thought about Gregg Williams, but the 72-hour interview Vinny and I had with him at my home didn't go that well, and frankly, that extra "g" freaks me the fuck out. In civilized society, you just don't go around adding extra letters to your name.

Next, I interviewed Steve Spagnola. But in the end, I decided that he simply wasn't Redskins material. Any stories you might hear about my offering him the job; him turning it down; my getting down on my hands and knees and begging him to take it; him saying, "Good God, man, you're embarrassing yourself"; my offering him the use of any Redskinette he wanted for the night (or Vinny, if he swung that way); and Spagnola leaving in disgust, are completely untrue. Spagnola's nothing but a filthy liar.

Then I was all set to hire Jim Fassel. But no. As soon as the fans heard about it, you screamed bloody murder. You'd think I was going to name O.J. the new head coach or something. (Funny story: the day after O.J. got busted in Vegas, he was supposed to fly to Ashburn and interview to become the new head coach. Hey, don't judge me. The man may have killed his wife and that other guy, but he knows football.) The negative posts on ExtremeSkins.com were coming in so fast and furious, I was having trouble deleting them all.

So finally...finally...like, about a week before the season started, I decided to promote Jim Zorn from offensive coordinator (a job for which he had zero experience) to head coach (a job for which, if possible, he had even less experience). Maybe it was because I had a funny feeling that this guy was special. Maybe it was because every other coaching candidate I pursued turned me down flat. Who can say? But I made the move, and predictably, the fans once again started their bitching and moaning.

Then a funny thing happened. We started winning. After Week 8, we were 6-2, having beaten Dallas and Philly away. Everyone was happy. People were stopping me in the street to apologize for ever doubting me. Not just about Zorn, but for everything. My weekly death threat tally hit an all-time low. It was great.

Then a not-so-funny thing happened. We started losing. Bad. The past two months have been the worst of my life. We barely beat Detroit and Seattle. We lost to St. Louis and Cincinnati. Ed Reed essentially beat us all on his own in Baltimore. The whole Clinton Portis fiasco. Falling out of playoff contention. It's been terrible. And all of a sudden, shocker, you people are complaining again.

But there is a light at the end of the tunnel, Redskins fans. I think I know the one thing that will shut you up once and for all. And his name is Bill Cowher.

Conventional wisdom says he'd never take the job, because of my reputation as a micromanager. But I'll get him. And you know what? I'll tame him. I'll take a respected Super Bowl-winning coach, and by God, I'll turn him into another toadying yes-man, just like I did with Gibbs. Because that's how I roll.

There is a problem, though. Considering that no one picked us to go to the playoffs in the first place, if I fire Zorn after an 8-8 or 9-7 season, the PR backlash will be brutal. All the old criticisms about how I'm this impatient, demanding jerk who treats the Redskins like a fantasy team will resurface. So that's where you, the Redskins faithful, come in.

I need each fan to send a letter to Redskins Park requesting...nay, demanding...that I fire Jim Zorn after this season. If I get a million such letters that I can show the media, well, what choice will I have in the matter? After all, a good owner listens to the fans. My hands will be tied. Then I'll bring in Cowher, and things will be better. Why, I wouldn't be surprised if we won ten Super Bowls in a row. Maybe even a hundred!

So what are you waiting for? Get writing!

(Also, if you could include $20 with your letter, that would be great. Cowher won't come cheap, and even I'm not immune from this horrible economy. Between the Redskins and my other business ventures, I'm barely making $100 million this year. Hell, for our annual Christmas in St. Barts, my family's actually having to stay at a five-star resort this year instead of our usual private villa. I wonder if I qualify for that welfare thing I hear so much about.)

Never forget!

Heroic Nazis. What a fucking terrible idea.

I hate...hate...the idea of a movie asking me to root for Nazis. Even when one of the Nazis is played by Tom Cruise and is trying to assassinate Hitler. It's so wrongheaded, it defies understanding. I don't care if it is based on a true story. There are probably true stories involving heroic Klansmen or child molesters. I don't want to see films about them, either.

Now, I'll be honest, I'm not so much offended because Nazis were horrible people who did horrible things, although clearly, they were and they did. I'm offended because this threatens to violate the one inviolable rule of cinema. And that is that Nazis are the greatest movie villains ever.

There are no better villains than Nazis when it comes to films. You hate them on sight, and you don't feel any remorse at all when they die. And they almost always die.

There have been countless films where the hero is a criminal along the lines of a bank robber, con artist, or hitman, and we're not bothered by it. It's even okay to like a character who's a complete psychopath, like Freddy Kruger, Hannibal Lecter, or the Joker. It's permissible to root for pretty much anyone in a film under the right circumstances. But cheer a Nazi? Madness.

The greatest moment in motion picture history is at the end of Revenge of the Nerds, when John Goodman is about to beat up the dean, and U.N. Jefferson shows up with about a dozen large Tri-Lambs, who use their blackness to glare the Alpha Betas into submission. But the second greatest moment in motion picture history is at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark, when the Ark is opened and a ton of Nazis get burned up. And you don't feel bad about it! At all! Why? Because they're Nazis!

How bad are movie Nazis? Consider Puppet Master III. In Puppet Master and Puppet Master II, the evil, murderous puppets went around slaughtering innocent people via incredibly gruesome means, including, but not limited to, throat slashing, drilling through the face, and leeches. Then Puppet Master III came out.

So, in a battle between evil puppets and Nazis, the evil puppets were the good guys. That's how bad Nazis are. And it's that image of Nazis that Valkyrie threatens to undermine.

It didn't have to be this way. When I was a kid, there was this computer game called Beyond Castle Wolfenstein. Like in Valkyrie, it involved a soldier trying to kill Hitler by planting a bomb. Unlike in Valkyrie, the soldier A) Was an American, and B) Fucking succeeded.

Sure, it may not have been the most historically accurate video game ever made. But you know what? It didn't matter. The point is, if you're going to make a movie about killing Hitler, no one is really going to hold you to that "based on a true story" crap. Just make the hero an American. Or in the very least, British. (For obvious reasons, he couldn't be French. It's not much of a movie when your hero surrenders five minutes in.)

Anyway, disregard this warning at your peril. Because this is how it starts. Valkyrie becomes a big hit, and Hollywood decides that people must want more movies featuring nice Nazis. So we'll get other films where Nazis suffer from a crisis of conscience. We'll get singing and dancing Nazis. Disney will release an animated film about a Nazi who falls in love with a Jewish girl, and is aided by a talking swastika or something. CBS will bring Hogan's Heroes back.

Therefore, I urge everyone who doesn't like their Nazis warm and cuddly to boycott Valkyrie. It's the right thing to do. It's the American thing to do. And perhaps most importantly, it's the moviegoer thing to do.

Final Crisis #5

"Do we look like the sort of people who wouldn't have a plan for the day the superheroes failed to save us?" - Amanda Waller

I think I've finally figured out what's so incredibly frustrating about Final Crisis. There are parts of it--mainly some really awesome dialogue, but also concepts or character moments--that are so brilliant, it's easy to see why DC gave Grant Morrison the car keys to the entire DC Universe. But it's buried under so much crap, it's only possible to appreciate each of these parts on an individual basis, as opposed to looking at the series as a whole and feeling like you're experiencing something great.

Spoilers below, and if you replace "Darkseid" with "Final Crisis," in this panel, the sentence works just as well.

As an extended fight scene, this issue works pretty well. There's been lots of talking over the first four issues, but very little action, so this is a nice counterbalance.

As the fifth chapter in a seven issue series, it still feels as though DC and/or Morrison are padding the hell out of this thing, and the whole endeavour would have been much better off as a six or even five issue series.

There is some good stuff. The Super Young Team continues to be the single greatest thing to come out of this series so far ("You have thoughtlessly gunned down a global megastar! How will you explain yourselves to this man's fans?" is, I think, the sort of thing people were hoping for more of when they heard Grant Morrison was writing this). The scene with Libra and Luthor was effectively creepy, with the impending execution of the Calculator and a completely out-of-left-field Supergirl rape joke.

But then there are parts like the bit between Waller and Montoya, which mostly went over my head, as I'm not reading Checkmate or Final Crisis: Revelations. I have no idea what took place in that sequence in the cell with the Rubik's Cube or the guy with the hairy knuckles. And "The Batman psycho-merge"? What the hell is that? Stuff like this is where Morrison's...genius, quirkiness, whatever you want to call it...needs an editor to step in and say, "Hey, Grant, let's slow down a bit, huh?"

Finally, it seems odd that other than the Martian Manhunter in the first issue, this has been a pretty bloodless series, as major crossovers go. Not that a high body count necessarily equals good story, but you'd think there'd be a few more deaths by now.

Panel of the Week

From Secret Six #4:

The slow, painful death of the Washington Post

You can read Katharine Weymouth's rambling, overly-optimistic, buzzword-packed memo regarding the future of the Washington Post here. It's really quite dreadful, and did nothing to make me believe that the Washington Post, one of the greatest institutions this city has ever produced, will be around next year, much less, the next decade or century.

Apparently, the crux of her plan to save the paper in the face of declining revenue for the entire newspaper industry is to do the exact same thing they've been doing, and pretending it's something new. Here are the so-called "three pillars" of her strategy:

Being about Washington, for Washingtonians, and those affected by it

Providing utility, engagement, and convenience for our local readers

Extending our brand with new products and new platforms

Ah. Well, that's...great. I feel so much better, now. Thanks, Katharine!

Let's break this down.

Being about Washington, for Washingtonians, and those affected by it

How on earth could the Post be any less about Washington? It's called The Washington Post. It has an ample Metro section. It covers local music, food, events, etc. They have daily chats on Washington Post.com about stuff related to Washington. Short of pretending that nothing outside of D.C. exists, I don't know much more Washington-centric the paper could be.

Providing utility, engagement, and convenience for our local readers

Buzzword, buzzword, and I don't know what she means about "convenience." Will she send Michael Wilbon over to my place to read the paper to me as I eat breakfast? Because that would actually be pretty cool.

Extending our brand with new products and new platforms

Ugh. "Brand." The mother of all worthless buzz words. And I don't know what sort of new Washington Post products she thinks people would buy. Bob Woodward plush dolls? John Kelly fedoras? A Dan Steinberg line of cheeses?

Look, it's simple. You want to make money? STOP GIVING AWAY YOUR CONTENT FOR FREE.

Back in the 90s, when the Internet first started becoming popular, music industry executives immediately recognized it as the threat to their profits it was, and tried to get the whole thing killed. Newspapers, on the other hand, happily rushed to put all their content up on their websites without charging for it, with it apparently never occurring to them that people would start canceling their subscriptions en masse. Nor did it occur to them that something like Craigslist would come along and steal all their classified ad sales.

I guess they figured they would make up that money via online advertising, but online advertising is, and always has been, a joke. I can go to a dozen websites (real websites, not run by Livejournal or Geocities or whatever), and the most prominent ads on them are for teeth whitening and weight loss pills. Even when the ads are for real companies and products, they still seem come off as cheap. Over the past 15 years, I've spent untold hours on the Internet at home and at work, and you know how many ads I've actually clicked on? Probably fewer than ten.

Once the Post realized online ads weren't working, it tried making subscriptions more appealing, with stuff like discounts, the Post Points program, and periodic invitations to hobnob with Post staffers. It doesn't seem to be working. (Maybe they could try offering an incentive where each new subscriber gets to take a swing at Charles Krauthammer? That alone would probably be good for a thousand new sign-ups.)

A few years ago, the New York Times tried charging for specific content on its website, and was widely mocked for doing so. After a couple of years, they reversed course and people were once again able to read Maureen Dowd for free. (Yay?) But the Times's problem isn't that they tried charging in general, it's how they went about it. First, they charged for only a small portion of their site. Second, at $50 a year, the price was ridiculous.

So what should the Post learn from this? First, they should charge for almost everything on the site. Keep breaking news and stuff on the front page for free, but for everything else (columns, chats, local news, etc.), charge to read it. Second, it should be reasonable. $20 a year, max.

The Post will say it won't work. They'll say that people are used to getting information for free, and won't go along with this. Bullshit. Yes, people will bitch and moan at first ("You mean I have to pay $20 a year for a superior version of what I was paying over $100 a year for a decade ago? Outrageous!"), but they'll eventually get used to the new paradigm. Especially if every other major newspaper also starts charging. Maybe they could even work out some sort of system where $20 gets you access to the Post, but $25 also gets you access to the New York Times, the Chicago Tribune, etc.

Is it an ideal solution? No, of course not. But at this point, with newspapers across the country on the brink of going out of business, I don't see how there's any other alternative other than hoping Congress will be in the mood for yet another bailout.

The bottom line is, as lame as this might sound, I love the Washington Post. I love it. I read it every morning as a kid before school, and when I went through a brief phase of wanting to be a journalist, I dreamed of working there one day. A few months ago, I actually became a subscriber, not because I especially needed more paper cluttering up my apartment or Post Points or the chance to meet Marc Fisher, but just so I could feel as though I was doing my part to help the company out, because the idea of living in a world without the Washington Post depresses the hell out of me.

So Ms. Weymouth, rather than waste time with talk of "branding" and "engagement," concentrate on producing the same quality product you have been for years. Just start asking people to pay for it.

Week Fifteen NFL Picks

9-7 last week; 94-113 for the season

New Orleans at Chicago (-3): New Orleans

San Francisco at Miami (-6.5): San Francisco

Tampa Bay at Atlanta (-3): Atlanta

Washington at Cincinnati (+7): Washington

San Diego at Kansas City (+5): San Diego

Green Bay at Jacksonville (+2): Green Bay

Tennessee at Houston (+3): Tennessee

Seattle at St. Louis (+3): St. Louis

Detroit at Indianapolis (-17): Detroit

Buffalo at New York Jets (-7.5): New York

Minnesota at Arizona (-3): Minnesota

New England at Oakland (+7): New England

Pittsburgh at Baltimore (-2): Pittsburgh

Denver at Carolina (-7.5): Carolina

New York Giants at Dallas (-3): New York

Cleveland at Philadelphia (-14): Philadelphia

STDs? Plural? Ouch.

While I was waiting in line at Best Buy last night to buy The Dark Knight DVD, the woman in front of me was talking really loudly into her cell phone, which she was holding in her right hand, while she had an extremely uncomfortable looking baby tucked under her left arm like it was a football. She was evidently worked up over her boyfriend or husband, and didn't have a problem letting whoever she was speaking with--not to mention, the entire store--know about it. Here's the best part of the conversation:

"They let him sleep around with other women! They let him infect me with STDs!"

After hearing this, I unconsciously took a step back from her, just in case having multiple STDs somehow makes you super contagious or something. And then she was called over to a register to pay for her stuff, so I didn't get to hear the rest of this fascinating conversation.

Now, I often have the urge to ask people about loud cell phone conversations they're having, because it seems to me that if you're going to have a loud cell phone conversation in public, it's therefore considered a public conversation and anyone should be able to join in, sort of like The McLaughlin Group or one of those 1-900 party lines you used to see commercials for during late night TV. But I recognize that no one else likely shares my views on cell phone privacy, or lack thereof (and probably wouldn't appreciate it if I tried to explain it to them), so I have yet to actually ever inquire about their conversations.

I didn't do it last night, either. But I sort of wish I had, because now I'm insanely curious as to who "They" are.

"They" don't sound like a particularly nice bunch of people, but I really want know how one "lets" a man infect his girlfriend with STDs. For whatever reason (probably the result of watching Fringe this season), I immediately pictured some shadowy organization meeting in secret to conspire against this poor woman.

Conspirator 1: "Did we send the hookers over to his place?"
Conspirator 2: "We did."
Conspirator 1: "And we've verified they have STDs?"
Conspirator 2: "Oh, yeah. We tested them beforehand. Crabs. Gonorrhea. Syphilis. The herp. Everything."
Conspirator 1: "Good. And afterwards, we're sure he'll go back home and infect his wife?"

Conspirator 2: "We've had our tech guys run a dozen simulations, and in each one, she ends up infected with multiple STDs and screaming in her phone about it at Best Buy."

Conspirator 1: "Excellent. It's all going according to plan..."

I'm sure the reality is a lot less interesting than my half-assed conspiracy theory. But just in case there really is some group out there who's engineering the infection of innocent women with STDs for their own nefarious purposes...cut it out, guys. Really not funny.

Toy story

When I was a kid, this was the very first thing I ever bought with my own money:

I didn't get it brand new. A couple of teenagers on my block were selling all their toys in a yard sale, probably to raise cash for an Atari 2600 or one of those newfangled CD players or for all I know, heroin. But it was in surprisingly good condition, and I got it and a few figures for around $10, so I think I came out ahead. And as anyone who owned the Millennium Falcon can attest, it was one of the greatest action figure-related toys ever produced. Don't take my word for it. Look how happy that kid is. And look at the box. It even had Battle Alert Sound.

Fast forward about 25 years. I went to Toys R Us over the weekend to do my annual Toys for Tots shopping. And as I was looking around the store, I came face to face with this:

It's not very often one of your fondest childhood memories turns to shit right before your eyes. But...look at it. There's no comparing the two. This thing is fucking gorgeous. And I just mean the box.

Is it possible to feel lust for a children's toy? I mean, I know it isn't right to feel lust for a children's toy. But is it possible? If nothing else, I think we can agree that "Lights, Sounds, and Phrases" seems a hell of a lot more impressive than "Battle Alert Sound." Here's some more information on this thing of beauty if you're interested. And all for the low, low price of $160. A bargain at twice the price.

Now obviously, as an adult, had I been so inclined, I could have whipped out my credit card right then and there and walked out with it. (Don't worry. I didn't.) But as a child, had I asked my parents for this, they would have laughed at me. Then they probably would have given me a lecture about starving children in Africa who didn't have hot food or clean clothes, much less, expensive Star Wars toys. Then they would have bought something nice for themselves, and when I pointed out the hypocrisy, they would have told me that when I got a job, I could spend my money however I wanted, but until then, to shut up.

So for no particular reason, here are the top five toys I wanted as a kid, but my parents refused to get me:

5) Colecovision

You know, I'm not even sure why I wanted this. I remember going over to a friend's house who did have one, and thinking that it made my Atari look like crap. But given the limitations of video game consoles 25 years ago, it's hard to imagine it actually was significantly better. All things being equal, my parents probably made the right call on this one.


4) Slot cars

To this day, I have yet to experience the joy of slot car racing, and I can't help but think that my life is worse off for it.


3) Cyborg (Super Powers)

You wouldn't know it by reading the godawful Titans series nowadays, but there was a time when Cyborg was easily the coolest character in comics. But by the time Kenner finally got around to releasing his action figure as part of its Super Powers line, it did so in low numbers, and it was lost in a glut of worthless figures like Golden Pharaoh and Cyclotron. I could never find one, and my parents swore they were always keeping their eyes open, but to this day, I question how hard they really looked.

Of course, now I can find one pretty easily on eBay...for only $400.


2) Lazer Tag rifle

I remember the ads for Lazer Tag predicting that a hundred years from now, Lazer Tag would be the most popular activity in the world, and everyone would walk around with one of those sensors on their chests, and your status would be determined by how many times you'd been "tagged." In the 80s, if you were a lazy kid who didn't want to play a sport, but found the idea of running around with a toy gun 24/7 appealing, this vision of the future sounded great.

Obviously, a Lazer Tag-based society never came to pass. Which might be for the best, seeing how completely unprepared I would have been for it because my parents never sprang for the spiffy Lazer Tag rifle. I mean, any chump could play Lazer Tag with the pistols that came with the set. The real gamers were the ones who could coolly drop to one knee and take out a bunch of enemies with his rifle.


1) The U.S.S. Flagg (G.I. Joe)

Jesus, look at the size of that thing in relation to the kids playing with it. It's practically built to scale. I have no idea why Hasbro thought it would be a good idea to release something like this (I can't imagine they sold more than a few hundred or so), but man, did I want one in the worst possible way.

If only my parents had understood that while G.I. Joe had secured both the ground and skies under my watch, the sea was completely unprotected. I needed this to keep the world safe from Cobra.

But I didn't get it, and twenty years later, we all live in fear of terrorism. Coincidence? I think not.

Panel of the Week

From Haunted Tank #1:

The Redskins marketing department strikes again

It took me a couple of minutes to figure out my problem with this latest stunt. I mean, yeah, it's corny as hell. And yeah, they're making a legend like Joe Theismann perform like a trained seal. But that's not what really bothers me.

It's that the Redskins think fans will fall for it.

"Well, $200 for an autographed football or $350 for an autographed helmet is a lot...but I can watch #7 sign it live on my computer? And he'll answer my question?!? Hot dog!"

And of course, they're probably right.

Never mind the fact that it's not exactly difficult to track Theismann down around here and get him to sign your trinket for free. Never mind that in the almost 25 years since his career ended, he's likely answered pretty much every question anyone could possibly think of. (Intelligent questions, anyway. I'm sure there will be queries along the lines of, "What do the Redskins mean to you?" or "What do you really think of Dan Snyder?") The rubes will still happily send their hard-earned cash to a team that's already swimming in it.

And yeah, hooray for capitalism and all that. But still. Would it really kill the team to only charge...I dunno...$50 or $75 for a signed football? Still more than I would pay, but (especially these days) I think people would rather have something affordable than the memory of seeing Theismann signing it via Internet.

On a related note, when I was out on Black Friday, I went to PSGameGear at Tyson's Corner. While I was there, admiring the various pieces of signed memorabilia, I got a flier with a bunch of upcoming autographs sessions with Redskins players, along with prices for each item signed:

Lorenzo Alexander: Free
Santana Moss: $65
Mike Sellers: $25
Todd Yoder: Free
London Fletcher: $40
Rocky McIntosh: $25
Marcus Washington: $25

Most of these prices seem reasonable enough (although I think Alexander and Yoder are sufficiently popular around here that they could charge something for an autograph. Especially Yoder who, aside from being well known from his contributions to Chris Cooley's blog, scored two touchdowns for me in Madden last week.)

Of course, the one glaring exception on that list is Santana Moss's $65 price tag. Come on. Really? Maybe they could have gotten away with this before the wheels started coming off the season in the St. Louis game. But now? Until the Redskins at least make it to the NFC East title game, no one on the team ought to be asking more than $50 for an autograph.

Okay, maybe Clinton Portis. But that's only because he's Clinton Portis.

Week Fourteen NFL Picks

7-9 last week; 85-106 for the season

Oakland at San Diego (-9.5): San Diego

Jacksonville at Chicago (-6.5): Chicago

Houston at Green Bay (-6): Green Bay

Minnesota at Detroit (+8): Minnesota

Cincinnati at Indianapolis (-13.5): Indianapolis

Cleveland at Tennessee (-14): Tennessee

Philadelphia at New York Giants (-7): New York

Atlanta at New Orleans (-3): New Orleans

Miami at Buffalo (-1): Miami

New England at Seattle (+5): New England

Kansas City at Denver (-9): Kansas City

New York Jets at San Francisco (+4): New York

St. Louis at Arizona (-14): St. Louis

Dallas at Pittsburgh (-3): Pittsburgh

Washington at Baltimore (-5.5): Washington

Tampa Bay at Carolina (-3): Tampa Bay

Cheers

Invading Iraq. Batman & Robin. The Herschel Walker trade. D.C. deciding to keep bars open until 5 a.m. during the Inauguration. What do all these things have in common?

More to the point, they're all bad ideas that, with even the slightest bit of foresight, could have easily been recognized for the disasters-in-the-making they were.

Look, as much as I'm all rah-rah about helping the local economy and all, we're already going to be fleecing these out-of-town idiots for everything they have. Hell, some hotels are resorting to extortion by telling guests to pay more or something bad might happen to their reservations. And generally, I don't mind this, because what good are tourists if we can't take their hard earned money and turn it into our hard earned money?

But mark my words, this is not going to turn out well. You can't have that many people on top of each other in a strange place and introduce virtually unlimited amounts of alcohol into the mix and not have bad things happen as a result.

Picture your typical Red Line train during morning rush hour. Now picture the number of people on the train suddenly doubling. Now picture Metro employees walking through the train offering shots and bottle service. That's what the city is going to be like over Inauguration Weekend.

Oh, and speaking of Metro, this was really comforting to read:

Whether the D.C. law will require other agencies to alter their plans remains uncertain. Metro said it would extend service hours on Inauguration Day, from 4 a.m. Jan 20 to 2 a.m. Jan. 21. Otherwise, the transit authority will run regular service, closing at midnight weekdays and 3 a.m. Fridays and Saturdays. Graham, a member of the Metro board, said the agency is working on a plan to further extend hours of service.

This feels like something that ought to have already been figured out by now. In fact, there should be some sort of law on the books that mandates Metro's operating hours match those of local bars. Because you know what would make an already bad situation even worse? If people are stumbling out of bars at 4 a.m. and can't catch a cab and can't ride the Metro. That's when people start doing clever things like trying to stumble back to their hotel, or lay down on a bench just to "rest their eyes," or deciding to jump over the White House fence or something.

I don't know why the D.C. Council seems to think that this is going to result in a fun, party-like atmosphere where we all raise our and toast Obama, and revel in the warm glow of democracy, all the while knowing when to say when. But I'll be absolutely shocked if DUIs, robberies, rapes, and the odd killing of some drunk tourist who heard there was a great party in Southeast D.C. and decided to go.

You know how the MPD has taken to cordoning off entire high-crime neighborhoods for a weekend in order to keep the riff-raff out? We need one of those over Inauguration Weekend. Around the entire fucking city.

Black Friday Part 3

Fuck Thanksgiving.

Yeah, you heard me. It's a useless, outdated holiday that forces you to A) Eat a lot (which wouldn't be so bad if traditional Thanksgiving food was good or interesting, but turkey and stuffing is bland and dull), and B) Either travel home to see your family or come up with excuses why you can't. If it weren't for the novelty of weekday football, it would be completely unbearable.

No, the best part of the Thanksgiving holiday is the day after. Black Friday is even better than Christmas, because Christmas is all about peace on earth and goodwill towards men and giving is better than receiving and all that shit. But Black Friday? Black Friday is all about raw, naked, lustful consumerism. Anyone who buys stuff for other people on Black Friday is completely missing the point of the day, which is to spend wildly and out of control on yourself, all for the sake of snagging a TV that has a couple of hundred bucks knocked off the price, or a $3 DVD, or some widget that you never even knew you wanted or needed until you saw it on sale.

Accounts of my last two Black Fridays can be found here and here. This year, I faced something of a quandary, as there were no "must have" items in any of the ad circulars. Even the DVD and game selections were pretty weak. So with no specific goal in mind, I decided to start my Black Friday out by Springfield Mall, which, even though the whole area has pretty much gone down the drain over the past decade, has some great stores in close proximity to each other. Here are a few of the highlights:


Circuit City

I arrived at about 4:30 AM, and the line was pretty short. I'd say maybe 200 people ahead of me. I started to suspect that maybe the economy really does suck. This was confirmed a few minutes later when employees started walking down the line with vouchers for various HDTV deals, including one that came with a free Blu-ray player, and no one bit. Ditto for when they came around with Wii vouchers.

After getting inside, I browsed for a bit, found some stuff, and went to pay. There was only one line for all six registers, and I want to give a shout out to the Circuit City employees, who did a fantastic job at not just keeping everyone in line, but yelling at any customers who tried to bypass it and go directly to a register. At one point, a manager even yelled at a couple of employees on the registers who hadn't signaled they were ready for another customer. Why can't all big box stores be this efficient?


Best Buy

At about 5:45, I headed over to Target, only to discover that they didn't open until 6. Pussies. So I went across the street to Best Buy, where there was still a long line to get in, presumably because it was filled to capacity. Can't we suspend things like fire marshal regulations on Black Friday? What's the worst that can happen?


Sports Authority

There was half a rack of marked-down Mark Brunell Redskins jerseys just sitting there. This made me sad, and I thought about buying one out of pity, before I realized that Mark Brunell wouldn't ever know about it, and probably wouldn't give a shit if he did.


Modell's Sporting Goods

More Redskins jersey fun. Apparently, someone in Modell's purchasing department really likes Carlos Rogers and really went overboard ordering his jersey, because there were enough of them on sale to clothe a small country, along with a few other jerseys from guys like James Thrash, Rocky McIntosh, and Marcus Washington. (Of course, the jerseys that people actually want were still at full price. Fuck you, Modell's.) They did have a Mike Sellers jersey on sale which I thought about getting. But unfortunately, they only had it in white, and when it comes to Redskins jerseys, I'm a burgundy man.


Apple Store

Either Apple doesn't understand the concept of Black Friday, or they just have complete disdain for it. Because their "sales" sucked. $11 off an iPod? $21 off a Time Capsule? Wow. Hey, how about knocking down those $30 earbuds to something halfway reasonable?

At one point, one of the Apple Store "geniuses" shouted, "We got another one!" and all the other employees started clapping and cheering. When they do this, it might help to explain to confused customers what the fuck is going on. Because they all looked like crazy people.


Auntie Anne's

Technically, I guess this doesn't count as Black Friday shopping, but if you haven't had one of their pretzel dogs, you really need to. There's something especially cool--borderline deviant, actually--about having one at 7:30 AM.


The Gap

Their big Black Friday promotion? Two holiday sweaters for the price of one. Holiday. Sweaters. Decisions like this might be why they're currently struggling to stay in business.


Some Mall Kiosk

A woman with a heavy East European accent was offering samples of perfume and cologne that she was selling out of one of those carts/kiosks in the middle of the mall. As I walked by, she waved to get my attention.

Her: "Care for a free sample?"
Me: "No, thanks."
Her: "Are you sure? Let me see your hand. You'll like it."
Me: "That's okay. Thanks."
Her: "Give me your hand!"

I broke into a near-run to get away from her.

Eventually, after driving over half of Northern Virginia, including up to Tysons Corner, I called it a day. That's another great thing about Black Friday: because it starts so early, you can do a lot, and be back in bed by noon. And I managed to spend less than $200, which I think was also a victory.

Finally, I have two additions to my Black Friday rogues gallery from last year:

The Black Friday Virgin

Has never been out on a Black Friday morning, and has likely gone through life looking down on those who have. But this year, whether it's out of curiosity or desperation for a bargain, she's lowered herself to mixing with the rabble by lining up outside a store at dawn. During the wait, she'll look around in awe and make comments like, "This is so crazy! I can't believe all these people who come out just to save a few bucks!" High possibility of becoming a Line Comedian as well, once she notices that people are laughing politely at her inane observations and decides to be the Black Friday Jerry Seinfeld.


Can't Read a Circular Guy

Even though there's a list of everything a store has on sale helpfully printed in the Black Friday circular, and signs on the shelves with those sale prices, he can often be heard pestering employees with questions like, "How much is this game?"or "Is this on sale?" or "Why is that one on sale but this one isn't on sale?" Likely won't be happy until the employee throws up her hands in frustration, and says whatever it is he wants is a dollar.