Panel of the Week

From Batman #681:

Week Thirteen NFL Picks

6-10 last week; 78-97 for the season

Tennessee at Detroit (+11): Tennessee

Seattle at Dallas (-12): Dallas

Arizona at Philadelphia (-3): Arizona

San Francisco at Buffalo (-6.5): San Francisco

Baltimore at Cincinnati (+7): Baltimore

Carolina at Green Bay (-3): Green Bay

New York Giants at Washington (+3.5): Washington

New Orleans at Tampa Bay (-3.5): New Orleans

Indianapolis at Cleveland (+5): Indianapolis

Miami at St. Louis (+7.5): Miami

Atlanta at San Diego (-5): Atlanta

Kansas City at Oakland (-3): Oakland

Pittsburgh at New England (-1): New England

Denver at New York Jets (-8): Denver

Chicago at Minnesota (-3): Chicago

Jacksonville at Houston (-3): Jacksonville

Metro, Teens, Rhee, and Me

There's really nothing more entertaining in the world than sitting behind teenage girls on the Metro. At least, so long as they're talking, as opposed to giggling. Giggling teenage girls are a plague. You think you've escaped it once you graduate high school, but what you don't realize is that there will always be giggling teenage girls. (And I don't necessarily mean giggling at you, either, just giggling in general. Because apparently, when you're a teenage girl, there's very little in life that isn't hilarious.)

But sitting behind teenage girls talking to one another? That's the best, because you never know what pearls of wisdom they'll drop on you. Whether it's gossip about other teenage girls, or serious dissertations on the Jonas Brothers or American Idol, or some of the most absurd relationship advice you've ever heard, there's nothing that teenage girls talk about that isn't worth listening in on. If I had the means, I'd launch a cable network featuring nothing but teenage girls discussing stuff. I'd make a fortune.

Anyway, today's topic of conversation went where I've never heard teenage girls go before: politics. And at first, I was mildly impressed, because you don't hear kids talk about politics that much. But I forgot that I was dealing with products of the D.C. public schools. So it wasn't long before "impressed" turned to "appalled."

Some of the highlights:

- There was some confusion as to whether Obama is the first black president of the United States. To be fair, two of the three girls knew he was, but the third was convinced that there had been "some other guy" a long time ago.

- All three girls were unclear as to who would take over if Obama were to die in office. The three possibilities bandied about were the vice president, Hillary Clinton, and Michelle Obama. Also, the girl who believed that Hillary might be next in line of succession, seemed concerned that there was a real possibility of Hillary plotting to assassinate Obama and take over the presidency, and couldn't understand why Obama "hired" her, knowing this.

- After eight years, if we like what Obama is doing, we can make him president for life. Again, to be fair, I wasn't sure if this was just wishful thinking on their part or a complete slap in the face to the 22nd Amendment.

Look, kids, I'm not going to lie to you. You know all the crap they teach you in school that you suspect you'll never actually need to know in the real world? Most of the time, you're absolutely right. Especially those of you who are going to earn liberal arts degrees in college. I've been a functioning adult making a good living for a while now, and not once have I ever been required to display anything more than the most cursory of knowledge regarding algebra, chemistry, or really, even basic geography. But social studies or civics or government class or whatever the hell they're calling it now, is one of the few classes it's actually worth paying attention to.

And, hey, Michelle Rhee? Maybe a little less crusading against tenure, and getting into pissing contests with the Washington Post, and little more emphasis on current events? I mean, you do run the Washington, D.C. school system. If there's one thing these kids ought to be experts in when they graduate, it's politics.

24: Redemption

Thoughts:

-- Man, those are some nasty fucking kids, cheering for that guy to get executed by the boy with the machete. I don't care if they were coerced, I hope Jack wastes all of them.

What? You're telling my Jack wouldn't kill kids if he had to?

--I wonder what it's like to be told you have to serve a subpoena on Jack Bauer. I imagine there's a lot of argument about who has to do it, probably followed by a few rounds of rock, paper, scissors, more arguing, and finally, someone having to get bribed.

-- I hope Jon Voight turns out to be a real bad guy, and not a fake bad guy, as Powers Booth was last season.

-- A woman president. Heh. What a silly idea.

-- I wish Jack would have agreed to take those kids out of Africa with him. He could have started the Jack Bauer School of Counter Terrorism training. In the very least, it would have given CTU some employees who actually knew what they were doing.

-- "I will talk to them." "The United Nations will remain neutral in this matter." "Wait for me!" They might as well have named the character Big Pussy. Sometimes this show's conservative streak cracks me up.

-- Knife through the heart! Knife through the heart! That just made Jack's greatest hits reel.

-- "Do not kill him yet." If only real life terrorists were as stupid as the ones on 24.

-- It says a lot about Jack's creativity at killing people that he can break a man's neck with his leg, and it doesn't rank as one of his more impressive kills.

-- Tony Todd! Man, if 24 is trying to go heavy on Awesome to make up for last season, it's working!

-- So the Secret Service has moles also? I'm sure that'll improve morale back at CTU. And let me just say how great it is that the name "CTU" hasn't even been uttered once this entire time. On the downside, it's been twenty minutes since we last saw Jack, and there's only a half-hour left.

-- Fine. I guess Jack does draw the line at killing kids. He would have been totally justified, though. You don't tug on Superman's cape, and you don't point a gun at Jack Bauer and expect to live.

-- Trammell is so fucked this coming season. The fact that he eventually let the kids in probably means that he'll get a quick death. If he hadn't, Jack would really do something nasty to him.

-- I wonder how many bodies are buried under D.C.'s sidewalks. I'll bet lots.

Jack's confirmed kills: 12

Jack's Words of Wisdom: "Save your helmet for the parade. They are coming."

Overall grade: B+

Chinese Democracy

According a sign I saw when I walked into Best Buy this morning, Chinese Democracy is "the most anticipated album in history." And I guess that's true, in the sense that for the past 14 years, people have been wondering when the hell it's coming out. But in the sense that people have actually been clamoring for it? Doubtful.

Like a like of people, I loved Guns N' Roses when I was a teenager. Fucking loved. Use Your Illusion I and II are among my favorite albums of all time, and Axel Rose is one of the few singers who, at the time, I honestly would have felt perfectly justified doing the lame Wayne's World "I'm not worthy!" bit in front of. The fact that I never got to see them in concert back before everyone except for Axel quit, is one of my biggest regrets in life.

Which brings us to Chinese Democracy. Even though I don't buy many new CDs anymore, preferring instead to use iTunes (or when a song isn't available on iTunes, less dubious means), I actually wanted to go out and buy this album. I didn't want to download it or stream it from MySpace or whatever. I actually wanted the feeling of putting the disc into my CD player, just like when I was a kid. So I went to Best Buy, picked it up, and went straight back home to play it. And the result? It's, uh...well, it's...um...it's...

You get a free Dr. Pepper out of it. That's really the best I can say.

It's not a terrible album or anything. Sure, there are parts where Axel's voice seems especially squeaky, and a couple of instances where he actually sounds sort of like Jason Segel's Dracula voice from Forgetting Sarah Marshall. And the techno influences take away from the music far more than they add anything to it. But it's not terrible.

It's just really, really average. There aren't any bad songs, per se, but there also isn't a single track where I can point to it and say, "This one kicks ass." And after 14 years, it seems like I ought to be able to say, "This one kicks ass" to describe the entire album. I guess if I had to recommend a couple of songs, I'd go with "Better" and "I.R.S." But we're talking the "only if I had a gun to my head" definition of "had to."

So, anyway. Thanks for some great songs back in the day, Guns N' Roses. And thanks for the free Dr. Pepper, Dr. Pepper. But beyond that, given the time, money, blood, sweat, and tears that went into this album...Jesus, what a let down.

Panel of the Week

From JSA Kingdom Come Special: Magog #1:

Week Twelve NFL Picks

5-11 last week; 72-87 for the season

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh (-10.5): Cincinnati

Philadelphia at Baltimore (-1): Philadelphia

Houston at Cleveland (-3): Cleveland

San Francisco at Dallas (-10): Dallas

Tampa Bay at Detroit (+8.5): Tampa Bay

Buffalo at Kansas City (+3): Kansas City

Chicago at St. Louis (+8): Chicago

New York Jets at Tennessee (-5): Tennessee

New England at Miami (-1.5): New England

Minnesota at Jacksonville (-2): Jacksonville

Oakland at Denver (-9.5): Denver

Carolina at Atlanta (-1.5): Carolina

Washington at Seattle (+3.5): Washington

New York Giants at Arizona (+3.5): New York

Indianapolis at San Diego (-2.5): Indianapolis

Green Bay at New Orleans (-2.5): Green Bay

Three things I want from Jack Bauer on Sunday

I hope no relative of mine dies over the next couple of days, because it'll be really awkward when I have to explain to my family that I can't travel for the funeral because 24: Redemption will be on this Sunday. But I will if I have to. And you know why?

Because it's been 18 fucking months since the last episode of 24 aired.

18 months without Jack Bauer cutting off a child pornographer's head with a hacksaw. 18 months without Jack Bauer shooting an innocent woman in the leg to get her husband to talk. 18 months without Jack Bauer killing a man by punching him in the heart. And really, when you consider how awful the last season was, it feels more like two years.

After so long, it seems like Jack's return should be something absolutely mind-blowing, like hunting down Osama bin Laden or figuring out a way to travel back in time and save JFK or something. But realistically, I know it probably won't be as good as I'm building it up in my head, so I'm trying to keep my expectations in check.

Still, I'd be happy if just one of these thing happen:

1) RIP Audrey

Just in terms of women on television, I'm not sure who Jack Bauer's ideal match would be. Sydney Bristow from Alias, maybe. Or Sarah Connor. Or both at the same time.

But it sure as hell isn't Audrey Raines, the most boring, worthless love interest ever. One gets the sense that the writers also came to this conclusion, which is why they gave her the undignified fate they did, leaving her in a catatonic state at the end of the season, a borderline vegetable.

Unfortunately, this being television, there's the very real possibility that she'll bounce back from it at some point, leaving her free to wander off with Jack into the sunset in the series finale. Why take this risk? Just kill her off now. No need to even bring Kim Raver back. Do it off-screen. And Jack can grieve, kill a lot of people as a way of coping, and move on to someone better.

2) 40+ deaths

By my count, Jack only killed 39 people last season. That's just pathetic. I could kill 39 people in a day, and unlike Jack, I'm not a highly-trained, borderline-sociopathic killing machine. I think it'd be a great mea culpa for last season if the producers had Jack exceed last season's entire body count over just the two hours of Redemption.

3) A Decent Bad Guy

I'm sure at the time, it seemed like a great idea in the writers' room.

"Okay, guys. Who would make the ultimate bad guy for Jack to face off against?"
"I've got it! His own father!"
"Genius!"

Didn't quite work out that way. As it turns out, Jack is the only member of his family worth a damn. We already knew Kim was a waste of space, but last season taught us that Jack's father, brother, sister-in-law, and nephew (possibly his son) are also unworthy of the Bauer name. I'm sure James Cromwell is capable of playing a really evil, complex villain, but it didn't happen here.

So it'd be nice if we actually get someone good for Jack to fight, so at the end, when Jack busts a cap in his ass (or, as he did with President Logan, just yells at a lot), it's especially satisfying.

Geekgasm

I'm still not entirely sold on this. I'd prefer Star Trek move forward, not backwards. Weren't the last three Star Wars films and Enterprise enough to convince people that when it comes to sci-fi, prequels are a bad idea?

But still. By the time Star Trek comes out, it will have been almost seven years since Nemesis, which couldn't have sucked more if it had tried. So the feelings of withdrawal have set it. And the trailer does look really good, even if the James-Kirk-as-James-Dean angle seems a bit out of left field.

Don't fuck this up, J.J. Abrams!

Pardons for the D.C. sports community

Next week, as depicted in a particularly good second season West Wing episode, the president will pardon a turkey, and Americans will laugh at the sick absurdity of one turkey being spared while millions of his brothers and sisters are devoured across the nation in our annual turkey holocaust. Then, over the next few weeks, the president will pardon several of his closest aides, advisors, and cronies before he leaves office, and Americans will cringe at the sick absurdity of one criminal being able to free a bunch of other criminals with the stroke of a pen.

But turkeys and Bushies aren't the only ones who need pardoning.

D.C. is a pretty rabid sports town, and people tend to hold grudges against those who were perceived as having harmed their favorite team(s). But I think there comes a point where we have to let go of that anger, and forgive our former sports celebrities. Since pardons are going to be issued anyway, I see no reason why Bush can't include a few past and present D.C. sports people on the list.

Such pardons may not have any legal effect, but I think they'd go a long way towards restoring the good names of some people in this town.

Kwame Brown

Brown is an easy guy to hate. First, he's the biggest reminder of the horrible "Let's hire Michael Jordan to run our team, 'cause he knows basketball and stuff" experiment. Second, there's just something really fucked up in general about a kid going straight from high school to the NBA (if only the NBA had also come to that conclusion before the 2001 draft). Third, and most important, he didn't do jack shit while he was here. But now that he's basically settling into his lot in life as a journeyman player, I see no reason why we can't let bygones be bygones.

So no need to boo the guy whenever he plays at Verizon. He already knows he sucks. Enjoy Detroit, while you can, Kwame. I doubt it'll be your last stop.

Former Redskins Quarterbacks

Ever since the last time the Redskins won the Super Bowl with Mark Rypien, the team's quarterback position has been a source of much jeering and mockery. And that's just from Redskins fans.

Our list of past quarterbacks is a virtual who's who of the worst the NFL has had to offer: Gus Frerotte, Heath Shuler, Jeff George, Brad Johnson, Tim Hasselbeck, and Patrick Ramsey, among others. They struggled, they fumbled, they failed to complete passes, and while they occasionally managed to win games, it seems like they did so in spite of their talent.

But with the ascension of Jason Campbell and Jim Zorn's offense, we can afford to be magnanimous. You're all forgiven, guys! Yes, Jeff George, even you.

Nicole Zaloumis

Doesn't it feel like Lindsay Czarniak has been here forever? Even though it's really just been a few years? I'll admit, I wasn't wild about her taking over for George Michael at first, but she's grown on me, and she's established herself as the preeminent sportscaster in D.C. So enjoy her until ESPN or NBC Sports inevitably steals her.

But before Czarniak, there was Zaloumis. Who, I'm not going to lie, I liked mainly for reasons that had very little to do with her sportscasting. What can I say? I prefer brunettes. But for whatever reason, people here never seemed to take to her during her brief tenure in D.C. And after she was gone, George Michael said on Elliot in the Morning that hiring her was the biggest mistake he ever made. Whatever. D.C. sports fans are a fickle bunch, and probably just have a thing for blondes.

Joe Gibbs

Remember that amazing day a few years ago when Dan Snyder announced that he'd convinced Joe Gibbs to come back to coach the Redskins, and everyone acted like he'd hired Jesus? And then Gibbs traded for Clinton Portis, and everyone cheered? And then he got Mark Brunell and everyone said, "Wait...what?" But we rolled with it because it was Joe Gibbs's idea? Yeah, good times.

They didn't last long, and if Gibbs hadn't retired at the end of last season, I think it had gotten to the point where people were ready to forcibly escort him out of town. The wounds may be too fresh for a pardon to have much of an effect, but I prefer to think of Gibbs's second tour in D.C. like that season of Dallas that was just a dream. When Redskins fans woke up, it turned out that Gibbs never came back after all, and Zorn was getting out of our shower. (Er...okay, maybe not the best metaphor.)

Peter Angelos

Angelos did everything she could to derail the deal to bring baseball to D.C. Granted, this was completely done out of financial self-interest, and his contempt for D.C. fans was obvious. Still, four years later, the team sucks, our new $600 million stadium hasn't produced much in the way of development in Anacostia, and the Lerners won't even pay their rent. Maybe he had a point.

Dan Snyder

Speaking of owners with contempt for fans...

I thought long and hard about this one. His offenses are too many to list, but he's been really well-behaved the past couple of years. He handled the Sean Taylor incident with a surprising amount of class, he's evidently stopped treating the Redskins the way a hyperactive 12-year old would treat his fantasy football team, and the decision to hire Zorn, which he took a lot of heat over, turned out to be a good move.

But with Snyder, it's not a matter of if he'll do something awful in the future, but when. Doubling ticket prices? Trading draft picks for office supplies? Installing pay toilets at FedEx? Anything's possible. So issuing a pardon now would only embolden Snyder to go back to his old ways sooner rather than later.

Sorry, Dan. Maybe when Obama leaves office.

Quantum of Sucking

I had such high hopes for this, too.

Quantum of Solace isn't Kingdom of the Crystal Skull bad or anything. It's not even Die Another Day bad. It's just nowhere near as good as Casino Royale was, and comes off as very by-the-numbers, and an all-around disappointment. Spoilers follow.


The Good

-

Strawberry Fields. She'll never be remembered as one of the better Bond girls, even the secondary ones, due to her scant amount of screen time and her death being far too similar to Jill Masterson's in Goldfinger. (It's being called a "tribute," but the line between that and "rip-off" seems awfully thin.) And even by Bond film standards, her name is absurd, which might be why it's never mentioned in full. But she is incredibly hot. And that counts for so much.

- The whole opera sequence, especially the bit where Bond tricks members of Quantum into revealing themselves. It's also one of the rare parts of the film where Bond seems to be enjoying himself, which was a nice change of pace.

- Jeffrey Wright. This was one of the most inspired bits of Bond film casting ever, and he's even better here than he was in Casino Royale. As a bonus, if you choose to believe that the Bond films and W. take place in the same universe, it seems like Colin Powell is going on secret missions for the CIA using the alias Felix Leiter.


The Bad

-

Camille Montes. She isn't the worst Bond girl of all time, but she might well be the dullest. Also, she whines a lot. "You tried to have me killed! The general raped and murdered my family! I'm scared of fire! Waaaaaaah." Enough, already. It's doubly annoying given that she's following Vesper Lynd, one of the best Bond girls of all time. Also, I don't know if this makes me a sexist or a traditionalist, but when a Bond girl never actually gets around to sleeping with Bond, it seems like she's not really doing her job.

- The plot. The best Bond villains' plans can be easily and succinctly explained. Goldfinger wanted to control the world's gold supply. Blofeld wanted to conquer the world. Scaramanga basically just wanted to kill Bond.

But here, not only is the plan really convoluted (some hodgepodge of a military coup, oil scheme, underground water reservoirs, and secret deals with the CIA), but it all feels totally incidental to the story. The writers were so busy trying to establish Quantum as this big scary organization in order to set up the next film, they forgot to give it something compelling to do in this one.

- Daniel Craig. Two years ago, he blew me away as Bond. Here, he put me to sleep. I get that he's supposed to be a morose, depressed James Bond, but they could have let Craig show a little more personality.

- The title. I guess the filmmakers sort of get a pass, since Quantum of Solace is the title of a short story written by Ian Fleming. But still, it's a stupid name for a Bond film.


The Ugly

- The teaser. The opening to a Bond film should almost be like a short film itself, with a beginning and an ending, right before the credits roll. Here we get a really brief car chase already in progress, and not an especially good car chase, at that. Also, just like with Casino Royale, I hate the fact that they're no longer opening the film with the gun barrel sequence where Bond walks in from the side and shoots at the camera. Sticking it at the end is not an acceptable compromise.

- The villains. In Casino Royale, the lack of a good bad guy was an annoyance, but since everything else was aces, it was easy to overlook. In Quantum of Solace, the big villain-shaped hole in the film is a lot harder to get past. I'm tired of these pale Eurotrash villains they keep pushing on us. How about someone who actually seems like an intellectual and physical threat to Bond? Or, while I'm generally against stunt casting, I wouldn't mind seeing a big name actor cast, either. How the hell has Patrick Stewart not been a Bond villain yet?

To Sum Up:

In future Bond film rankings, Quantum of Solace will be strictly middle of the pack. It doesn't do anything to distinguish itself, but it doesn't commit any major mistakes, either. The reboot that began with Casino Royale is obviously a lot more ambitious than anyone thought at first, now stretching out to at least a trilogy. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but once the next film is done, I hope the filmmakers go back to self-contained stories.

Also, no remakes. I'll give them Casino Royale, since the original wasn't a "real" Bond film to begin with. But that's it. Having previously burned through all the Flemming novels, and working with a new continuity, I'm sure there will be a temptation to remake the great Bond films like Goldfinger, Thunderball, From Russia With Love, etc. This would be a horrible mistake. They wouldn't be as good as the originals, and if they can't crank out an original Bond film every three years, they're not really trying.

Panel of the Week

From Batman: Cacophony #1:

No vacancy

I got the call on Monday. The call wanting to know if Hotel Scotus had any space available over Inauguration weekend. (Actually, it was an email, but "call" sounds more dramatic.)

We don't, unfortunately. Our front desk checked and did everything we could to accommodate the would-be guest, but in the end, we were already booked solid at a 100% occupancy rate. Of course, that 100% occupancy rate consists of just the one person already living there, but what are you going to do? Full is full. I offered to see if I could put the person up in a manger, since that worked out pretty good the last time someone tried it, but he declined and opted to look elsewhere.

See, this furor over Inauguration Day is exactly why I'm against D.C. getting the Olympics, a Super Bowl, or anything that would cause hordes of tourists, houseguests, and other assorted riffraff to descend on the area like locusts. I'm sick of hearing about how people are desperately trying to get tickets. I'm sick of hearing about how impossible it is to find a hotel room in the city. And most of all, I'm sick of hearing about how people feel they need to be here so they can be part of "history."

You know what? If you voted for Obama in the election? Congratulations! You're part of history. Standing shoulder to shoulder with a couple million people on the Mall in the freezing cold, so far away from the Capitol that you can't make anything out? You're just part of a really big crowd.

Me? I'll be at home on Inauguration Day, relaxing on the last day of a four day weekend, watching it on TV. And if my granddaughter one day asks me, "Did you see President Obama get sworn in?", I'll smile, ruffle her hair, and say, "No, sweetie, only suckers did that."

The only thing that vexes me more than all the people coming to D.C. are the people already in D.C. who are making it so easy for them. With hotels full, Craiglist is currently crammed with ads from D.C. area residents trying to rent space to out-of-towners, charging anywhere from a couple of hundred bucks for a bedroom in Virginia, to $20,000 for a row house in Foggy Bottom.

That one really bugs me. First, if someone can afford to spend $20,000 to rent a house for a weekend, they're probably rich enough that they can just call Obama personally and get taken care of. Second, if you can afford a home in Foggy Bottom, have a little fucking dignity, why don't you? If you want to rent out your house, okay, I guess, but do you really have to be so obnoxious about it? Couldn't you be happy with, say, $5,000? Which, broken down over four nights, is roughly what a major hotel chain would charge for a suite?

And really, here's the thing I just can't wrap my mind around: people are happily renting out their homes to total strangers. Any other day, under any other circumstances, if someone called these people up and asked if they could rent their bedroom for a couple of days, they'd get hung up on. Now? They're actually being wooed on Craigslist, a site which often seems to cater to a certain kind of weirdo. I guarantee that in the days following Inauguration Day, there are going to be multiple stories about people getting robbed, vandalized, killed, or whatever, in their homes by their Inauguration guests. And you know what? I'll have zero sympathy. Zero sympathy. Allowing someone who answered an ad on Craigslist to come stay with you is no different than inviting a vampire into your home, or standing in front of a mirror and saying "Candyman" five times. You deserve what you get.

Week Eleven NFL Picks

11-3 last week; 67-76 for the season

New York Jets at New England (-3): New England

Denver at Atlanta (-6.5): Denver

Detroit at Carolina (-14): Detroit

Philadelphia at Cincinnati (+9): Philadelphia

Houston at Indianapolis (-8.5): Indianapolis

New Orleans at Kansas City (+5.5): Kansas City

Baltimore at New York Giants (-6.5): Baltimore

Minnesota at Tampa Bay (-3.5): Minnesota

Oakland at Miami (-10.5): Miami

Chicago at Green Bay (-4): Green Bay

St. Louis at San Francisco (-6): St. Louis

Arizona at Seattle (+3): Arizona

Tennessee at Jacksonville (+3): Jacksonville

San Diego at Pittsburgh (-5): Pittsburgh

Dallas at Washington (+2): Washington

Cleveland at Buffalo (-5): Cleveland

GameStoppage

I don't go into GameStop very often, but when I do, I usually feel like taking a shower afterward. I'm not sure why. It's not that they're inherently filthy places (although a couple of the employees I've encountered there have been), it's just that their entire business model rubs me the wrong way.

Someone will buy a game for, say, $60. Unless he finishes it so quickly that demand for it is still high, he'll be lucky to get even half of that back in trade-in value when he takes it to GameStop. GameStop will then sell it used at a tremendous mark-up, sometimes as much as only $5 less than a brand new copy would cost. When it comes to older games (especially sports titles that get annual updates, like Madden) you're looking at only a couple of bucks, max. And yes, the terms are all very clearly spelled out, and no one's holding a gun to anyone's head forcing them to give their games to GameStop instead of selling them on eBay or using them as frisbees or whatever. But still, it irritates me, and like a lot of people, I won't be overly sad when digital distribution does the whole company in.

But even though it'll be a cold day in hell before I'd ever trade a game to GameStop, I have no quandaries whatsoever about buying used games there. Especially considering the number of games they sell for $10 or less. That's just being a good consumer.

I was in there over the weekend, looking through the bargain bins for possible hidden gems, when I saw a little kid of about 7 or 8 and his parents going up to the counter with a copy of Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. My reaction to this was essentially the same as it is whenever I see parents bring their kids to R-rated horror films: disgust at what horrible parents they are, coupled with admiration at what cool parents they are.

The kid handed the game to the clerk, who asked the father if he was buying the game for his son. The father said he was.

"Okay, I just need to tell you, this game is intended for adults," the clerk said.

The father acknowledged this in a somewhat disinterested manner, and started to pull out his wallet.

"And I'm legally required to inform you that this game may contain some or all of the following: intense violence, blood and gore, drug use, strong language, or strong sexual content."

At this point, the mother, who had just been standing there, perked up, and her mom superpowers kicked in, and she declared that the game wouldn't be going home with them after all. The father put his wallet back in his pocket. The kid, who's either a great actor or really just unhealthily wholesome, said he had no idea the game was that bad, and wandered off to put the game back on the shelf. They then left the store.

A few minutes later, a couple of kids who looked to be about 15 or 16 came in and tried to purchase a game. I didn't see what it was, but it must have been Adults Only, because the clerk (a different one than before) said he wasn't able to sell it to them.

"See?" I thought, pleased. "We don't need government censorship to protect kids from video games. Fuck you, Joe Lieberman! The system works!"

Then the clerk ruined it by saying, "Hey, maybe you could get someone here to buy it for you?"

Upon hearing this, I very quietly moved to another part of the store. For whatever reason, ever since college, I've often been the guy who teens ask to buy them beer outside of liquor stores. I've never been able to tell if it's because I come off as the type of cool, fun guy who might be willing to help them out, or if I just seem desperate for approval. Regardless, I didn't want to see if this phenomenon extended to video games as well.

Eventually the teenagers left, thankfully without asking me to violate the sacred rules of the ESRB. I then paid for my games and left.

Afterwards, I thought about the video games I grew up playing (arcade games like Donkey Kong and Commando, PC games like King's Quest and The Bard's Tale, and too many Nintendo games to count), as compared to today's games. And of course, there's a world of difference between that stuff and Grand Theft Auto, Gears of War, Bioshock, etc. But would it really have irreparably fucked me up as a kid to have played those games instead of the ones I did play, where the main goal was to rescue a princess instead of committing mass murder? Where when you killed someone, their bloodless corpse disappeared, instead of just laying in the street where you could carve it up with a chainsaw? Honestly, I don't think so. And I don't think those kids in the GameStop would have been fucked up by playing them, either, so long as their parents had done a good job of explaining the difference between fantasy and reality to them.

As I see it, there's really only one way to settle the question. I'm going to have twins. Both will be raised in the exact same manner, except that one will have a Wii, and its wholesome library of games like Wii Sports and Super Mario Brothers, and the other will have an Xbox, and a complete set of Mature and Adults Only games. And we'll see if there's any appreciable difference between how the two turn out. And if the latter grows up to be a serial killer and gets locked up for the rest of his life, well, I'll be big enough to tell Joe Lieberman that he was right and I was wrong.

Barbarians at the gates

It's always annoying when you step inside a Metro station during morning rush hour just as a train has pulled in or is the process of pulling in, and see dozens of college educated, nicely dressed, otherwise perfectly civilized people immediately rush for the fare gates like the Steelers' defensive line blitzing the shit out of the Redskins last week.

In a way, it feels vaguely hypocritical for me to complain about this. After all, I'm one of those commuters who always runs down the left side of the escalator, and thinks it should be perfectly legal to kick someone in the head if they're blocking the way. But still. I don't want to use the word "unseemly," because that feels like a word a stuffy, elderly British woman would use to describe something she finds personally offensive, like rock music or interracial dating or whatever, but it really is unseemly to see a bunch of adults rushing a train en masse.

Unless I absolutely have to, I never run for a train. I've seen enough people desperately pounding their SmarTrip cards against the reader or trying to shove their farecard into the slot, to know that it looks extremely undignified. And of course, there's always the risk of rushing towards the train, only to have the doors close right in your face. When this happens, there's often an awkward moment there on the platform, as the person who didn't make the train looks really sheepish, and everyone around him pretends not to notice, even though they're secretly laughing on the inside. Sometimes, the train-rusher will try and play it off by snapping their fingers in disappointment or shooting people a nervous smile like, "Hey, what are you going to do?" It doesn't fool anyone. You still look like a jackass.

This morning, when I was approaching the fare gates, a train had just pulled in, and people were starting to board. Fortunately, it wasn't my train, but like I said, even if it had been, I wasn't about to do anything crazy. Not when another, probably less crowded train, was only three minutes away. So I was next in line to pass through one of the fare gates when I saw this flash of movement out of the corner of my eye, and realized that one guy, in his mad dash to make the train, was trying to cut in front of me.

Now I didn't know this guy's story. Maybe he was late for a job interview, and if he missed this train, he would have made a horrible impression, and not gotten the job. Maybe his kid was just taken to the hospital, and he was trying to get there as fast as he could. Maybe he was the real life Jack Bauer, and if he didn't get downtown by the end of the hour, the terrorists would have blown up D.C.

I didn't know, and I didn't give a shit. All I knew is that there was no way this asshole was cutting in front of me.

I didn't quite body check him, but it was close. I took a step forward and blocked his path with my left shoulder, so if he hadn't come to a quick stop, he would have bounced off of me. (The real life Jack Bauer, of course, would have shoved me to the ground and jumped over the gate, so I'm fairly certain I didn't stop the prevention of a terrorist attack.) He just made this weird exasperated grunt, but what was he going to do? Get pissed off at me for not letting him cut in front of me? Instead, he simply got in line behind me.

At this point, I had two choices. I could have either done the mature thing that most normal human beings would have done, and forgotten the incident and just passed on through the gate. Or I could have done the decidedly immature thing, and actually go out of my way to make sure he missed the train. I went with the latter.

It took me three or four "tries" to get my SmarTrip card to work. Who knows, maybe if I'd gotten it closer to the reader or hadn't been shielding it with my hand, it would have worked better. But eventually, despite my best efforts, it did, I passed through, and just as the would-be line cutter finally got through the gate and started to run for the train, the doors closed. If he'd been three seconds sooner, he would have made it. Darn the luck.

I was hoping he'd say something to me, but what with D.C. being the passive aggressive capital of the nation and all, he just shot me a dirty look and wandered off.

Then my mature side butted in (which I've noticed it does more and more frequently as I get older), and whined, "But...what if he really did have a job interview to get to? What if he really did have a sick kid in the hospital?"

I thought it over while waiting for my train to come, and as I boarded, I decided that I really didn't care. Jobs come and go, and you can always make more kids. Immaturity wins again!

Panel of the Week

From Marvel Zombies 3 #2:

Stuff Obama People Like: Newspapers

You know, I can't help but think that if the Washington Post could only run a story about Obama winning a historic presidential election every day, profits would go up dramatically. Because by noon Wednesday, Washington Posts were harder to score than Redskins/Cowboys tickets. I foresaw this happening and grabbed mine early in the morning. Other people weren't quite so lucky.

The Post did some additional printings, as well as a special commemorative edition, which also sold out yesterday, and are now hawking prints of the front page--unframed, mind you--for $60. Really, Washington Post? $60? Talk about the media elite...

Week Ten NFL Picks

4-10 last week; 56-73 for the season

Denver at Cleveland (-3): Denver

New Orleans at Atlanta (-1): Atlanta

Tennessee at Chicago (+3): Tennessee

Jacksonville at Detroit (+6.5): Jacksonville

Seattle at Miami (-9): Miami

Buffalo at New England (-3.5): New England

St. Louis at New York Jets (-8.5): St. Louis

Green Bay at Minnesota (-2.5): Green Bay

Baltimore at Houston (+1): Baltimore

Carolina at Oakland (+9): Carolina

Indianapolis at Pittsburgh (-3): Indianapolis

Kansas City at San Diego (-15): Kansas City

New York Giants at Philadelphia (-3): Philadelphia

San Francisco at Arizona (-9.5): San Francisco

Post-election pep talk

Great game, America! Great fucking game! You went out, you did what you had to do, and you got a huge win. As my fellow coach Jim Zorn might say, let's have three cheers. Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray!

Okay, now, take a knee.

I'm not going to lie to you, America. I had my doubts going into this one. The past two games in a row, you've blown it. Big time. Both times, you were the better team walking onto the field, but once the game started, you played sloppy. You got distracted. You made mental errors. And as a result, you got beat. Bad.

And to be perfectly honest, for a little while there, I really thought you were going to blow it again. All the bullshit about Obama being a terrorist or illegal alien? Thinking McCain had any credibility when it came to talking about change? And Jesus-fucking-Christ, America...Sarah Palin? Seriously? You were going put Sarah Palin within one 72-year old heartbeat away from being the most powerful person in the world? Third world countries that have had democracy for less than a decade wouldn't have fallen for that shit. What was your excuse? Because she's hot and folksy? If that's all you're looking for, why not just elect Jessica Simpson vice president?

But...but...when it really mattered, you came through. You delivered. You kicked ass. Way to go, America. I'm proud of you.

Okay, Democrats, Independents, you're done. Hit the showers. Republicans? Stick around for a minute. You bitter, idiot Hillary supporters, too.

You know, Republicans, in his email this morning, that guy you hate so much, Michael Moore, said to be nice to you. Do unto others, and all that. Fuck that. The last eight years have been completely miserable (especially those four in the middle). It's time for payback. You'll be lucky if only half of your worst fears come to pass. I know I personally won't be happy until I can't walk a block without passing an affordable hospital, abortion clinic, gay marriage chapel, or happy soldier finally home from Iraq.

And Hillary supporters...I don't even know what to say to you about your failed attempts to get McCain elected, despite the fact that he stands for everything Hillary is against. I know you guys claim PUMA stands for "Party Unity My Ass," but today, "Pathetic Useless Mindless Assholes" seems more appropriate. "Waaaah! America passed over Hillary because they can't stand the idea of a woman being in power! Waaaah!" Please. The fact is, she ran a lousy campaign. She got beat. You got beat. Deal with it.

Now all of you, get the hell out of my locker room. But feel free to come back in four years if you want to get smacked around some more.

This is not change I can believe in

During halftime of last night's Steelers/Redskins debacle on Monday Night Football, ESPN somehow landed interviews with both Obama and McCain, albeit, really short, pre-taped interviews.

Not surprisingly, the whole thing was fairly pointless, because A) It's not like the candidates were going to say anything remotely interesting or controversial the night before the election, and B) Chris Berman is so not the guy at ESPN who should be asking presidential candidates questions in the first place. I'm not entirely sure who that guy or gal at ESPN actually would be (how funny would it be to see John McCain tell Suzy Kolber he wants to kiss her?), but it sure as hell isn't Chris Berman.

But I have to admit, he did come up with one intriguing question that he asked both candidates: "If you could change one thing in sports, what would it be?"

Obama said: "I think it is about time that we had playoffs in college football. I am fed up with these computer rankings and this and that and the other. Get eight teams...top eight teams right at the end. You got a playoff. Decide on a national champion."

Scotus says: With all due respect, Senator Obama, that's crap. College football should absolutely not have playoffs. A large part of the charm of the college football system is that it is chaotic and unpredictable and oftentimes, utterly unfair. Get rid of the rankings, and the NCAA is just another sports league. God forbid you keep the one thing that makes it distinctive, just because some teams and their fans get upset and cry like little bitches when they get passed over for the BCS title game.

And frankly, aside from merely disagreeing with you, I'm rather disappointed in your answer. I was hoping for something a little more original. I'm sorry, Senator Obama, but depending on how Senator McCain answers, I might be changing my vote today.

McCain said: "I'd take significant action to prevent the spread and use of performance enhancing substances."

Scotus says: What?!? Damn it, that's an even worse answer than Obama's. I guess I'm voting Democratic after all.

Seriously, McCain, it's Chris Berman interviewing you, not Brian Williams! It wasn't a serious question! Presidents don't change things in sports! Berman wasn't looking for a serious answer, he was looking for a cool answer. All you had to say was something like, "I'd get rid of the designated hitter rule." Or, "I'd cut the NFL preseason in half, and add two more games to the regular season."

You could pandered to the mid-West by claiming you'd put more pro sports teams in the Bible Belt. You could have even made one of those self-depreciating age jokes you like so much, by saying how you'd bring back leather helmets for football players or something.

Actually, I can't help but wonder whether McCain even watches sports. If I had been one of the debate moderators, I would have taken a break from trivial stuff like the economy and national security, and asked each candidate to name just five players from the Bears and the Cardinals, in order to see if their "man of the people" schtick was real or fake. I'm sure Obama could have pulled it off. McCain? He probably would have asked whether or not Ernie Nevers was still on the team.

(Incidentally, the correct answer to "If you could change one thing in sports, what would it be?" is that rookie salaries need to be brought under control via some sort of cap or pay scale. Especially in the NFL. Vince Young got a $58 million contract, and turned out to be an underachieving head case. Matt Leinart held out for $51 million, but now, the only thing he's holding is the clipboard while 70 year-old Kurt Warner has led the Cardinals to a 5-3 record. It's ridiculous.)

The most improbably awesome sports movie ever made

There aren't many better feelings in the world than coming across a movie or a song that you'd liked as a kid, but had completely forgotten existed. So imagine my delight when I actually came across both at the same time.

If most people were to make a list of the best sports movies of all time, they'd undoubtedly include stuff like Rudy, Field of Dreams, Rocky, Friday Night Lights, etc.

A movie geek trying to establish geek cred would likely add a fairly obscure film, like The Set-Up, or go indie with a film like Murderball, regardless of whether or not they really think it should legitimately make the list. (One of the smartest things I ever read on the Internet is that it's futile to ask geeks to come up with Best Of lists, because they'll just try and out-geek each other with their selections.)

And of course, some wiseass film hipster (close cousin to the movie geek) might try to make the case that Slap Shot 2 is better than the first, or that The Last Boy Scout deserves to be on there, or something.

But I guarantee that you won't find this film on anyone's best sports movies of all time list:

Now, am I saying that Six Pack should be on a best sports films of all time list? Not really.

But when I was channel surfing and came across this on TV last week, I was absolutely giddy. Even though it was on late, and I had to be up early the next morning, I stayed up and watched it for the first time since I was, like, 10. And once it was over, I went straight to iTunes and downloaded the theme song, "Love Will Turn You Around," one of the few country songs I actually enjoyed as a kid, back when my parents would refuse to relinquish control of the car radio.

Basically, the plot is this (and since any halfway intelligent person can figure out the entire thing within the first ten minutes, I won't worry about spoilers): Kenny Rogers plays a burned out NASCAR driver whose career is on the skids, when he meets these six kids on the run whose parents are dead. Not just any kids, though. Kids who are all expert mechanics! So they help him with his racing, and he--grudgingly, at first--gives them the parental love they're so desperately seeking.

There's a redneck sheriff trying to take the kids back to Texas, and an evil race car driver played by the guy who played Bernie in Weekend at Bernie's, and Erin Gray, in between Buck Rogers and Silver Spoons, looks really hot, and at one point, Kenny Rogers busts the kids out of jail by putting on a fake uniform and pretending to be the sheriff, and it sounds corny as hell, but it's great.

Also, Diane Lane is in it and...er...well, she was 16 when the movie was made. So let's not dwell on her too much. But for fans of older and legal Diane Lane, it's interesting to see her here.

Of course, the film climaxes with a big race, and Kenny Rogers is forced to choose between winning and saving his kids from the sheriff. He naturally chooses the latter, and the movie ends with Kenny Rogers marrying Erin Gray, adopting the kids, and moving into a big house, while "Love Will Turn You Around" plays.

The whole thing is refreshingly nice and non-cynical, and there's no way it would ever get made today, except maybe as a made-for-TV movie on ABC Family or something. Also, you just don't see too many movies these days starring country music singers. Which I guess is probably a good thing, but who knows? Kenny Rogers pulled it off.

I've been thinking for a while now about what I'm going to do tomorrow night if Obama somehow loses. I'd already penciled in "Get drunk." But since I still have Six Pack on my DVR, I think I'll get drunk and watch Six Pack again. Because that will make me feel better.