Panel of the Week

From Justice League of America #26:

DC Universe Decisions #4

"This is awful." - Hal Jordan

Last issue, I sort of predicted that because the first three issues of this series were so lackluster, there was really nowhere to go but up for the finale. Well, I was half-right.

Spoilers, right after Superman's intriguing, though ultimately rhetorical, question.

I say "half-right" because there are two aspects to this issue. The first is handled horrendously. The second actually isn't bad.

First, the assassination plot. After revealing Jericho as the one behind the attempts on the candidates' lives last issue, Winick and Willingham put everyone through your standard superhero fight scene, Jericho gets captured and...that's pretty much it. Why would a good guy try and kill presidential candidates? Great question! And one that gets completely glossed over with something about past people Jericho had possessed being angry at...presidential candidates or...something. I don't know. I guess it really doesn't really matter.

Second, is DC's stated purpose behind this mini-series: Exploring the role that superheroes would (or should) have in the political process in the DCU. A place where they, aside from having incredible powers, wield considerable influence over public opinion. And after three issues of mostly unsatisfactory attempts at this, here, Superman delivers a rousing speech on the subject as only Superman can. It's without a doubt the best part of this entire series, and just reinforces my belief that this would have been a much better experience all around if DC hadn't felt the need to stretch this thing out over four issues.

It did feel cheap that we never find out who Superman is voting for. Not because it particularly matters to me, but because, as Dan Didio put it, "For the first time, we’ll be having our characters make true political stands in regards to their leanings." Except not really. Superman refused to take such a stand. Batman and Wonder Woman supported candidates simply in order to get close to them. And everyone else like Beast Boy and Detective Chimp...well, A) Who cares? and B) Who can even tell where they stand, given that DC wimped out by using fictional candidates instead of Obama and McCain? Why is it that Reagan and Bush appeared in DC comics all the time back in the 80s, but here, such cameos are apparently verboten? So really, we learned absolutely nothing about characters' leanings, making this whole thing a completely pointless exercise.

Reagan always did have the best advisors

To end on a positive note, I really loved Stephane Roux's covers throughout the series. These days, covers often seem to blur together, so it's always nice to see something different. This issue's cover, especially, really knocked it out of the park. DC needs to give this guy more work, pronto. Just preferably on a better series.

Week Nine NFL Picks

5-9 last week; 52-63 for the season

Houston at Minnesota (-4.5): Houston

New York Jets at Buffalo (-5.5): Buffalo

Detroit at Chicago (-13): Detroit

Baltimore at Cleveland (-1.5): Cleveland

Green Bay at Tennessee (-5.5): Tennessee

Arizona at St. Louis (+3): St. Louis

Tampa Bay at Kansas City (-8.5): Kansas City

Jacksonville at Cincinnati (+7.5): Jacksonville

Miami at Denver (-3): Denver

Atlanta at Oakland (+3): Atlanta

Dallas at New York Giants (-8.5): Dallas

Philadelphia at Seattle (-6.5): Philadelphia

New England at Indianapolis (-6): Indianapolis

Pittsburgh at Washington (-1.5): Washington

Votin' Palin

Next week, America will choose its next president. If the polls are to be believed, most of you will be voting for Barack Obama. A slightly smaller group--but apparently, based on a lot of YouTube videos floating around, a much angrier and occasionally racist one--will be voting for John McCain.

Me? I'll be voting for Sarah Palin.

Now, I know what you're thinking. "Scotus, you asshole, you can't vote for Sarah Palin for president. She's running for vice president. Retard."

Technically, this is true. But let's face facts. Palin is devious, ambitious, and has shown a complete willingness to destroy anyone who gets in her way, be it woodland creature or fellow politician. This is not a woman who's going to wait around for eight years and hope that America will be in a mood to elect another Republican president. She'll find something on McCain and force him out within the first two years. So a vote for McCain is a vote for Palin.

But the real question is, why would I, a lifelong Democrat who's against pretty much everything McCain and Palin stand for, support her? Simple. If the Palins move here, D.C. is going to be fucking awesome. Yes, the economy will keep tanking. Our health care system won't get any better, and may well get even worse. And we'll probably end up going to war with Iran. But: Fucking. Awesome.

Here's why I want the Palins in D.C., and why you should, too.

1) Todd Palin: Wingman

Todd Palin is going to have a lot of free time on his hands. His wife is going to be traveling around the world attending state funerals, running the Senate, and avoiding questions from the liberal elite mainstream media. Meanwhile, all of Todd's buddies will be up in Alaska, and there isn't much snowmobiling to be done down here. So how will he deal with the boredom?

By being the best damn wingman you ever had, that's how. If you walk into a bar with Todd Palin, you're not going home alone. Women will be buying you drinks.

I figure it won't take long for him to assemble a new group of guy friends down here (which the press will no doubt dub "The Palin Posse" or "The Todd Squad") to hang out with. I don't know about you, but I plan on getting in on the ground floor.

2) Girls Gone Wild

Look at Track and Bristol Palin. Now think about what's going to happen with their sisters when there's even less parental supervision. In a few years, the Palin daughters are going to make the Bush twins look like those Little House on the Prairie kids.

3) Sex and the City

Contrary to what you may have heard, Sarah Palin will sleep with you. Yes, even you. That's a D.C. Universe guarantee.

4) Help the Local Economy

You know how every now and then, you'll be in Georgetown or Old Town and see a couple of black SUVs parked in front of a store and Secret Service agents milling around, and you'll think, "Holy shit, Laura Bush must be in there!" But then the protectee will come out, and you realize that it's just a visiting dignitary from Iraq or something?

Based on what we now know about Sarah Palin's voracious appetite for expensive clothes, it seems like it'll be impossible not to run into her on a regular basis while she's out shopping. Sarah Palin sightings will become as common as sightings of that guy who jogs backwards downtown, but more fun, because Sarah Palin is hot and will probably impart some folksy wisdom to you.

5) We'll All Be Hotter

When Sarah Palin becomes president, women across the city will adopt her look, which is scientifically proven to make a woman at least 25% more attractive.

Don't believe me? Look at Tina Fey as Liz Lemon:

Obviously, it's not an unattractive photo or anything, but look at Tina Fey as Sarah Palin:

See? Dramatic difference! At least 25% better looking. And with women across D.C. becoming hotter due to their Palin hair and short skirts, guys will have to keep up, lest we lose our females to all the Alaskans moving down here to work in cushy federal government jobs.

So vote wisely, people. Do you want Obama, with his message of change and hopefulness and all that crap, or do you want 8-16 years of awesome? Exactly. I'm glad we're on the same page.

October Horror Round-Up

As far as Octobers go in regards to horror films, this one was actually pretty good. No grand slams, but unlike in past years, there was enough to keep me a happy and content little gore junkie.



Quarantine

Between The Blair Witch Project, Cloverfield, and Diary of the Dead, the whole first-person-point-of-view gimmick is pretty well played out, and there really ought to be a moratorium on any horror film using it for the foreseeable future. But Quarantine actually manages to make it work. And in fact, it probably does a better job utilizing it than any of those other films.

One of the things I liked the most is that for once, there was a rational, believable reason for the person holding the camera to keep filming the carnage going on around him. Of course, every such film tries to sell the audience on that conceit, but this is the first time I've actually bought it.

As for the movie in general, it's good, but not great. It's basically a zombie film that replaces zombieism with rabies. This isn't a bad premise (especially when we get to the end and there's a really creepy reveal as to the origin of the outbreak), but it's nothing especially mind-blowing, either. On the downside, in what can only be described as one of the stupidest marketing fuck-ups in history, the final shot of the film appears in both the trailer and the film's poster. You really have to work hard to screw something up that badly.




The Midnight Meat Train

This was originally supposed to come out in theaters last summer, but then I can only assume that some studio executive actually watched it, said, "What the fuck?", and promptly yanked it from the schedule. Which is not to say that it's a bad film. It's actually pretty good. It's also dark and dreary and depressing, and when it's over, there's a distinct feeling of hopelessness and despair, which is not at all surprising, given that it's based on a Clive Barker story. But still, pretty good. FEARnet (one of the few things that makes having Comcast worth it) getting the rights to air it before the DVD release was a brilliant move, and it's something I'd like to see them do more of.




Saw V

I tend to cut the Saw films a fair amount of slack. Probably more than I should, but A) I really hated the first one, so I'm always somewhat amazed when I actually enjoy the sequels, and B) Regardless of whether or not you like them, you have to admit there's something impressive about releasing a film a year, each year, for five years running (six as of next year). In terms of story, this wasn't one of the better sequels (II and IV were my favorites), but the traps were good, and the gore was excellent. Plus, it's educational: because of this film, I'm never going to stick my hand into a buzzsaw, now that I know what will happen.

At this point, the whole Saw saga is a big convoluted mess of continuity, with each twist and turn exponentially more absurd than the one before it. Case in point: Jigsaw died in Saw III, yet he plays a big part in Saw V, and there's every reason to believe he'll still be around when Saw X comes out. But what makes the films work, I think, is that the producers don't care that they're creating a big convoluted mess. They just roll with it, and expect the audience to do the same. Either you embrace the absurdity and appreciate the filmmakers' juggling act of connecting each film to the ones that came before it, or find another movie more to your liking, like High School Musical 3 or something.




Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash

Okay, this one isn't a movie, but a comic is probably the closest we're ever going to get to old-school Freddy and Jason again now that both franchises are being rebooted.

Anyway, you know how Freddy vs. Jason was a pretty decent film, except for the two teenagers who end up surviving? Well, in Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash, they're brutally slaughtered at the very beginning of the story, and that right there is the worth the price of the book.

Based on the screenplay that was originally going to be the sequel to Freddy vs. Jason, the story drags Ash (from the Evil Dead films) into the story. At the time, I thought this was a horrible idea for a film, and wasn't too disappointed when it ended up not happening. But it works great as a comic, and the trade paperback collection of the mini-series that came out this year is a surprisingly solid read.

Final Crisis #4

"An unknown force just reverse-engineered me to life out of a blizzard of faster-than-light particles. I'm sorry I seem a little abstract." - Barry Allen

Well, it's been two and a half months since the last issue came out. Which is bad enough, considering how much hype and importance DC has put into this series. But what's got to be somewhat distressing for DC is that across the comic book blogosphere and message boards, I haven't really seen much in the way of, "Hey, where's Final Crisis #4?" or "When is Final Crisis #4 coming out?" or "Man, I sure can't wait to read Final Crisis #4!"

And even more distressing for DC, Final Crisis #4 kind of sucks.

Spoilers right after Black Lightning toes the new company line.

Up until now, Final Crisis has been a dense and occasionally frustrating read, but to its credit, it's also been an fairly ambitious book, and unlike anything of this sort that DC's ever done before. It's like going to a museum and acknowledging that a painting is really well done, even if what's on the canvas doesn't necessarily appeal to you.

This issue feels a lot more like your typical superhero fare than the previous three did. And that's a problem because Final Crisis as a madcap Grant Morrison thought experiment can be great, even if the finished product occasionally borders on the incoherent (see Seaguy or The Filth). Final Crisis as just another in a long line of by-the-numbers company-wide crossovers, isn't.

As the issue opens, the world's been taken over by the New Gods, and the entire populace of the Earth has either been turned into Darkseid's justifiers or assembly line drones, or is part of the resistance movement. Based on that, this seems like it ought to be one kick-ass story, but for whatever reason, it isn't. Maybe because it doesn't feel like it's anything special, and that the DCU will, in all likelihood, be returned to normal by this time next year.

There are some nice touches. I like the idea of the resistance passing out copies of The Daily Planet, I like the new Tattooed Man, and characters outside of Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman getting the spotlight is a nice change of pace. And any scenes featuring the New Gods in their new bodies are great, thanks to some really out-of-the-box character designs. I'd love to see more of this sort of stuff going forward.

Finally, this week, word came down that J.G. Jones is dropping off the series, and won't be drawing the last issue. This is a failure of epic proportions, and everyone involved ought to be embarrassed. But while Jones is probably at fault to a degree, the real blame lies with DC. They should have either given Jones the lead time he needed to get his pages in on time, or else found someone else. Seriously, if there was one book they've published in the past decade that they absolutely could not afford to fuck up, it's this one. So what do they do? They fuck it up. Worse, they compound said fuck-up by getting Doug Mahnke to replace him. And while I generally like Mahnke's art, it's not really compatible with Jones's stuff that's appeared thus far.

Hopefully, this will be DC's (heh) final crisis when it comes to this book, but I'm not holding my breath.

Panel of the Week

From Final Crisis #4:

Ho, ho, ho gives a crap?

I always make a point of getting out to Tysons Corner each December. Partly because it looks really nice with all the Christmas decorations, and partly because for some reason, the sight of overprivileged rich children sitting on Santa's lap fills me with an odd sense of joy. (Actually, now that I think about it, that Santa area is probably a great place to pick up financially well-off single moms. If dating a woman who lives in McClean, and is picking up a fat alimony check each month from her attorney or tech company executive ex-husband isn't the American dream, I don't know what is.)

But in spite of the fact that I've been making that annual sojourn to Tysons for a decade or so, I had no idea it was the same Santa there year after year. And frankly, I wouldn't have cared if I had. Which, to me, makes this story somewhat bizarre:

Tysons Corner Center and the longtime mall Santa whose dumping triggered a local uproar may work things out in time for the Christmas shopping season after all.
...
Graham, who is a carpenter from Tennessee when he is not entertaining gift requests from children in Fairfax County, spent 18 shopping seasons at Tysons before getting a pink slip this year. His admirers say he had a special touch with children, and frazzled parents, that helped turn him into a minor celebrity.

Hundreds of people whose families went to see Graham every year called the mall to protest his ouster, burning up e-mail group lists with commentary and threatening to boycott the shopping center.

A boycott? Really? I mean, there's a war going on and the economy sucks and people are accusing the next president of being a terrorist and...really?

Obviously, as regular readers of this blog are aware, I'm a big, big fan of making mountains out of molehills. In fact, were it not for faux rage and indignation, the entire blogosphere would be an awfully quiet place. But still. Getting upset because a mall Santa got the shaft? Even I can't dig deep enough to attain that level of fake anger and disgust.

Besides, Tysons Corner is the best mall in the region. Where else are people going to do their Christmas shopping? Tysons 2? That place is so upscale, you can walk from one end of the mall to the other and pass only ten people. Springfield Mall? Sure, if you want to get raped and murdered in the parking garage. Maybe Pentagon City, but ever since they closed down the movie theaters, the only compelling reason to go there is the bourbon chicken at Cajun Grill.

Here's the real kicker, though:

Graham had a contract at the mall through 2012. The contract paid him about $30,000 to be St. Nick seven days a week for five weeks

$30,000 for five weeks of work? And let's be honest, sitting on your red-suited ass while children climb onto your lap and tell you what toys they want, is really stretching the definition of "work." Especially when you consider that, as the article mentions, "the average mall Santa makes about $17 an hour," which is roughly 1/10 of what Graham made. That's what these boycott-threatening parents are fighting for? Mall-sponsored welfare?

Whatever. Look, Tysons, I'll take the job. Give me half of what you were paying Graham, a Santa suit, and a month to pack on a hundred pounds, and I'm all yours. And I'll be the best Santa ever, because instead of just mindlessly listening to kids tell me what they want for Christmas, I'll actually talk to them. You know, ask questions like, "Does Daddy still live at home?" And if the answer is no, "How big is the house that you and Mommy live in? What kind of car does she drive? Do you have any 'uncles' that stay over? What's her favorite restaurant? What's your home phone number?"

You know, really interact with them. Get to know them. Kids like that sort of thing. Mommies, too.

Week Eight NFL Picks

5-9 last week; 47-54 for the season

Buffalo at Miami (+1.5): Buffalo

Oakland at Baltimore (-7): Oakland

Cardinals at Carolina (-4): Carolina

Tampa Bay at Dallas (-2): Tampa Bay

San Diego at New Orleans (+3): New Orleans

Atlanta at Philadelphia (-9): Philadelphia

Kansas City at New York Jets (-13): Kansas City

St. Louis at New England (-7): New England

Washington at Detroit (+8): Washington

Cincinnati at Houston (-9.5): Cincinnati

Cleveland at Jacksonville (-7): Cleveland

New York Giants at Pittsburgh (-3): Pittsburgh

Seattle at San Francisco (-5): San Francisco

Indianapolis at Tennessee (-4): Tennessee

Secondary market, my ass

Disaster was narrowly averted yesterday.

Marion Barry's (first) arrest. The Mount Pleasant riot. 9/11. All dark days for D.C. But they were almost eclipsed by something even worse: Redskins fans almost didn't get to see the start of the game versus the Cleveland Browns. All because of the fucking Baltimore Ravens.

From Saturday's Washington Post:

There is a possibility that part of Redskins' game against Cleveland tomorrow may not be broadcast in the D.C. market based on rarely triggered rules in the contractual agreements between the NFL and its television partners.

WUSA-9 is obligated to air the 1 p.m. game between Baltimore and Miami in its duration, or at least until "the outcome appears certain," which could potentially conflict with the Redskins' 4:15 p.m. kickoff at FedEx Field. WUSA-9 had a statement on its Web site yesterday afternoon informing viewers of the potential conflict. According to the station, it would like to become a "mandatory pull out market" for the Redskins, giving it the ability to switch over to the Redskins at any time in the event of a conflict. But Washington is designated as a "secondary market" for the Ravens in the TV contracts and must air Ravens games to their conclusion in this situation.

Fortunately, it didn't come to that. The Ravens game ended on time, and the Redskins game aired in its entirety. So there was no rioting in the streets. No burning effigies of Steve Bisciotti. No armed incursions into Baltimore. But the crisis never should have come as close as it did, and something needs to be done to make sure this never happens again.

To begin with, the very concept of "secondary markets" is ludicrous. There shouldn't be any such thing. There ought to be one market per NFL franchise, and that's it. (New York City being the obvious exception.)

What's that? You're a Ravens fan living in D.C.? Or a Dolphins fan living in Tampa? Or an Eagles fan living in Pittsburgh? Hey, guess what? Tough shit. Either go to a sports bar, get Sunday Ticket, or move. But don't live in the market where Team X plays and whine because you don't get to see Team Y.

Any game that's aired aside from the home team's, ought to the best one available each week. This would be one of those rare win/win situations where both fans and the networks come out ahead. Fans win, because they get to see good football, while the networks win because they'll be able to maximize their audience by showing games people actually want to see. So instead of Ravens vs. Dolphins this past weekend, we could have seen Chargers vs. Bills, Steelers vs. Bengals, or Titans vs. Chiefs, all of which were better games. But no, instead, the D.C. market was treated to Joe Flacco and Chad Pennington trying to out-suck each other.

But even if one thinks secondary markets are a good idea, how about using just a little common sense? The key word, after all, is "secondary." And "secondary," by definition, doesn't trump "primary." If there's the possibility of the secondary market's game overlapping with the primary market's game, there needs to be a way for the network to switch over when the primary market's game begins. "Mandatory pull out," at the Post article puts it. (Heh. Mandatory pull out. I'm not even sure why, but that sounds sort of dirty.)

This time, everyone got off lucky. The Ravens game didn't run over and, well...let's be honest, it was just the Browns the Redskins were playing, so even if the Ravens game had gone long, I guess it's possible that riots wouldn't have broken out. But sooner or later, this situation will happen again. Only the Ravens game won't end on time, and the Redskins will be playing the Cowboys.

And at that point, my dear Baltimorons, Skins fans won't be responsible for what happens to your city. Remember this?

That's nothing compared to what'll happen if you ever fuck with our start time again.

Panel of the Week

From Final Crisis: Legion of 3 Worlds #2:

DC Universe Decisions #3

"Who cares, Carla? She's practically dressed in the American flag! And look at the way she wears it! In a TV nation, image trumps all!" - Reporter

You know how people were generally impressed with McCain's performance in the last debate? Not because he beat Obama or even did an especially bang-up job or anything, but because he'd simply sunk so low in terms of public perception of the previous two debates that there was really no way he couldn't improve? That's sort of like DC Universe Decisions #3. Like John McCain, it's awkward and sputters a lot. But compared to the first two issues, it's generally impressive.

Spoilers right after Wonder Woman puts us in our place.

I imagine that one of the most difficult things about writing superhero comics is trying to come up with good, realistic-sounding dialogue. After all, any idiot can write nothing but loud fight scenes and clunky dialogue. (Hell, Image Comics was largely founded on the principle that readers didn't want anything but loud fight scenes and clunky dialogue.) But finding a way to make characters who have super powers and wear absurd costumes sound real and genuine, must take some real talent. So not surprisingly, some writers pull it off effortlessly, while others struggle.

In this mini-series, and especially in this issue, Bill Willingham and Judd Winick struggle mightily. Because I don't think I've ever seen anything more awkward and forced than dozens of superheroes suddenly deciding to discuss politics. And more to the point, suddenly being unable to discuss anything except for politics. The sequence where Lady Blackhawk explains to Huntress why she won't be voting for Hillary Clinton Kate McClellan just because she's a woman, was just painful. As was another page of "interviews" where various characters are forced to sound completely out of character in order to service the plot. Nothing as bad as last issue's bit where Power Girl talks about needing to feel safe, but still pretty bad.

Wait, didn't I say this issue was good? Compared to the previous two, anyway? Yes, I did, and yes, it is. Mainly because having loaded up those previous issues with so much padding, Willingham and Winick are more or less forced to actually allow stuff to happen in this one. The JLA comes up with a decent plan, Batman gets to show off his mad detective skills, Clark Kent and Lois Lane have a cute fight, and the revelation of Jericho as the would-be assassin is one I honestly didn't see coming. (That last one feels like a continuity violation somehow, but fuck it, I'll take whatever cheap twists I can get at this point.) And if there is one character in the DCU who can get away with talking politics, it's Wonder Woman. (Man, I miss Greg Rucka on that book.)

So while this issue is far from perfect, or for that matter, far from simply even good using any objective definition of the word, it's definitely the best of the three. Will next issue's big finale be even better? Well, considering the low threshold it has to meet for that to happen...yeah, sure, why not?

One window to rule them all

If I had to do college all over again, I think I'd become a sociologist and specialize in how people interact while using public transportation. Specifically the Metro, because every one of its trains and buses is nothing more than a moving petri dish of fascinating human behavior.

Today's lab experiment was the bus on the way to the Metro station. It was somewhat full, with a couple of people being forced to stand, but it wasn't stuffy or claustrophobic or anything. But apparently, one woman thought differently, because she went ahead and opened a window.

It was about 60 degrees when I left for work this morning. So not freezing, but not exactly warm, either. But when a window is open in a bus that's cruising along, it can start to feel chilly pretty fast.

At first, a few people just glanced over at her, waiting for her to realize that it was getting uncomfortable and close the window. She didn't. Then people started to openly glare at her, as if trying to will her to close the window through the sheer power of their hatred for her. She didn't notice them. But of course, just being cold was nothing compared to the poor bastards who were caught directly in the blast of air coming in, which was messing up hair and shuffling papers. But even they didn't say anything.

During the entire ride, I counted no fewer than ten people on the bus who ranged from just mildly annoyed to about ready to actually push the woman out the window, but not one of them was willing to say, "Excuse me, ma'am? Would you mind closing the window?"

Now, this could simply be chalked up to my theory that people today hate confrontation so much that they're willing to give up their own comfort in able to avoid it. But I also wonder if there's something else at work. Is it possible that Metro riders subconsciously recognize some sort of "ownership" over the window by the person sitting next to it, and feel a grudging need to respect it, regardless of the circumstances? Kind of like when you're a kid, and instinctively recognize the right of the person riding shotgun to control the radio?

This experience reminded me a flight I was on a couple of years ago, where I had the window seat, and as I was boarding the plane, I saw the woman in the aisle seat in my row reach over and close the window shade. My window shade. So of course, the very first thing I did when I got in my seat was re-open it. (Admittedly, this was in part just me being a dick. But really, if you're going to be crammed between the bulkhead and two other people on a flight, being able to look out the window is the one thing you have going for you.) This clearly made her unhappy, and a couple of times during the flight, she dropped a hint that she'd really like that window shade closed. But at no point did she ever come right out and ask me to do so.

I may have to test this theory in a couple of months when it's really cold out. Will people object to a bus window being opened when it's 40 degrees out? I'm guessing probably yes, but if not, it has to make you wonder what sort of dickish behavior on the Metro won't be tolerated.

Week Seven NFL Picks

6-8 last week; 42-46 for the season

Baltimore at Miami (-3): Miami

San Diego at Buffalo (Push): San Diego

New Orleans at Carolina (-3): New Orleans

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati (-9.5): Pittsburgh

Minnesota at Chicago (-3): Minnesota

San Francisco at New York Giants (-10.5): New York

Dallas at St. Louis (-7): St. Louis

Tennessee at Kansas City (+8): Tennessee

Detroit at Houston (-9): Houston

New York Jets at Oakland (+3): New York

Cleveland at Washington (-7): Washington

Indianapolis at Green Bay (+1.5): Indianapolis

Seattle at Tampa Bay (-10.5): Seattle

Denver at New England (-3): New England

The Best and Worst Thing About D.C.

The Best: You never know who you might run into while out for a walk.

The Worst: Most of the time, it's no one you really care about running into in the first place.

Tales From the Netflix Crypt

This week's reviews: The Happening, Dangerous Worry Dolls, and Zombies Gone Wild




The Happening (2008)
Directed by M. Night Shyamalan

Plot: A mysterious pandemic causes people across the Northeast to start committing suicide en masse. This is not nearly as frightening, though, as the career suicide Shyamalan seems to be committing.

Comments: I've always been something of a Shyamalan apologist. I thought Unbreakable was as good or better than The Sixth Sense. I loved The Village. Lady In the Water...I can't really say I liked it, but I didn't hate it, either. And considering the overwhelmingly negative reaction that film got, not hating it is more or less the same as liking it.

The Happening seriously tried my patience, though. It was the first film of his that I didn't catch in the theater, partly because I didn't have time, and partly because of the bad reviews. And as I was watching the DVD, for the first half-hour or so, I was kicking myself for not seeing it in the theater, because I thought it was fantastic and I couldn't understand why the critics disliked it so much. Turns out the critics were right.

In the film, in New York City, people suddenly start killing themselves. (And let's be honest, any film that begins with New Yorkers killing themselves is off to a great start.) This naturally freaks out everyone else in the city who evacuate for safer ground. So far, so good. Only it turns out there's no such thing, because...wait for it...it's plants that are behind it all. Plants.

Now, this is lame, but it's not fatally lame. Shyamalan still could have pulled a good movie out of this. It's just that for whatever reason, he chooses not to. So it's all downhill from there, as Mark Wahlberg and Zooey Deschanel just do a lot of walking, meet some unpleasant people, and end up not getting killed. When this came out, Shyamalan made a big deal about how unlike his previous films, there was no big twist in The Happening. There really needed to be a twist.

There was also a big deal made about how this was his first R-rated film. I'm not sure why it needed to be rated R, as the level of gore is minimal. The most violent scene in the movie (and not coincidentally, the best scene in the movie) is when a guy wanders into a tiger cage and gets his arms torn off. And even this was watered down, as there's an extended, gorier version on the DVD. All things being equal, they probably should have made this PG-13 and made an extra $20 million.

I think Shyamalan has maybe one more shot to get things turned around before he's completely dismissed as a one hit wonder. Which would be a shame, because he really is an insanely talented writer and director. Hey, whatever happened to that Unbreakable sequel that was rumored a few years back? Free Mr. Glass!

Script: C
Acting: B
Gore: B-
Overall: C




Dangerous Worry Dolls (2007)
Directed by Charles Band

Plot: In maybe the dullest women-in-prison movie ever made, an abused female inmate grows a big zit on her forehead that starts to kill people. While this may sound like an intriguing plot, it really isn't.

Comments: On the bright side for M. Night Shyamalan, at least his films haven't deteriorated nearly as much as Charles Band's have. Seeing the former king of low-budget horror reduced to crap like this is just sad.

Anyway, meet Eva. All she wants is to do her time, get out of prison, and make a new life with her young daughter. Unfortunately, her fellow inmates beat her up when she refuses to be their drug mule, the requisite pervert guard wants to get into her pants (another much nicer guard seems to want the same thing, but isn't willing to resort to rape to get there), she may lose custody of her kid, and the warden really wants to hook her up to her mini-electric chair. So Eva's life pretty much sucks.

That all changes one night when--oh, first her life manages to get much worse when the pervert guard does rape her--the tiny worry dolls her daughter gave her burrow their way into her forehead, causing a large angry red bump to appear, and making her super strong. And before long, she's off to seek revenge.

As you've probably discerned, Dangerous Worry Dolls isn't a film that's heavy on plot. It's not really heavy on any level, really. The most you can say about it is that it exists. It really doesn't even have an ending, so much as it just comes to a stop at a certain point. But when you reach that point, you'll be so grateful, it's doubtful you'll mind.

In fairness, there are two decent moments. In the first, Eva and her zit are beating up the rapist guard when she tears open his shirt and discovers that "he" is actually a "she." (The aforementioned rape was accomplished with the help of a...er...marital aid. Which Eva then happily uses on the guard.) The whole thing may sound sick and borderline-perverted, but it's pulled off so ineptly, you can't help but laugh at it.

The second is when one of the female inmates gets her fingers chopped off by the garbage disposal. I really appreciated this, because it seems like even though people in horror movies are always sticking their hands in garbage disposals, nothing ever comes of it. So, you know, yay for that.

Script: D
Acting: C
Gore: C-
Overall: D+




Zombies Gone Wild (2007)
Directed by G.R.

Plot: Three losers head down to spring break, expecting to find girls baring their tits. Instead, they find zombies baring their teeth.

Comments: There's really no way to sugarcoat it: This film sucks. This film really fucking sucks. I know I've seen worse films, but none readily come to mind. Looking back, I'm utterly shocked I actually sat through the whole thing. I almost feel like I need to re-rent all the films I've started to watch and given up on five minutes...thirty minutes...an hour into, because I know they're all better than this piece of shit.

I know, I know. Don't you sort of deserve what you get when you willingly choose to watch a movie called Zombies Gone Wild, as opposed to having it forced upon you by your Guantanamo Bay captors? Probably. But the real tragedy of this film is that the core concept isn't bad. It's just that the execution is godawful. It's over an hour before the first zombie even appears.

A big part of the problem is that as far as I can tell, for that first hour of the film, there was no actual script. It seems like instead, the writer/director (and if I'd written and directed this, I would also want to be credited by just my initials, so I could later deny involvement with it) told his three leads to just act like goofy frat guys they might have seen in far better movies than this one.

There are also, unfortunately, numerous efforts to be funny, none of which succeed. And when I say none, I mean none. Actually, think about that for a second. How hard does a filmmaker have to work for all of his attempts at humor to bomb? (To give you an idea of the film's level of sophistication, there are roughly a thousand fart jokes.) In a way, it's sort of impressive.

But what's really impressive? I mean, what makes this an absolutely horrendous film, as opposed to merely a bad one, is that just when it's gained the tiniest sliver of redemption with a climax that, compared to the rest of the film, might as well be Citizen Kane, it ends with a flamboyantly gay hairdresser storming into the scene, and all the actors breaking character to talk with him, and then walking off the set together.

It's not an exaggeration to say that this may be the worst ending of any film ever. If there were a museum of bad movies, Zombies Gone Wild would have a great display.

Script: F
Acting: F
Gore: D
Overall: F

Panel of the Week

From Presidential Material: John McCain:

Best Metro ads EVER

It's a known fact that most of the advertising you see on the Metro sucks. Mainly because a lot of it isn't actually aimed at people. It's aimed at businesses, agencies, and other assorted faceless monolithic groups. I mean when's the last time you saw an ad on the Metro and thought "You know what? My company really should change health care providers! I'll write a memo!" Or, "Hey, that B-2 bomber looks sweet! I'll place an order for a hundred today!"

Even the ads that are aimed at people often seem like a waste of time. I'm actually writing this on my BlackBerry on the Metro, and I'm sitting across from an ad for the Lupus Foundation of America, asking for donations. Now I'm sure lupus is a worthy cause to donate to. (Curing it, I mean. Lupus itself isn't something you'd want to donate to.) But how many people really see that ad and donate?

So imagine my delight when I had to transfer at Metro Center today and saw the entire station completely plastered with ads for Fallout 3.

What I want to know is, why can't more ads in Metro stations be like this? I wasn't even going to buy Fallout 3, as my PC gaming has pretty much dwindled down to nothing ever ever since I got my PS2 and Xbox 360. But just based on this, now I am. (It also doesn't hurt that Fallout and Fallout 2 were pretty kick-ass.)

And you know, I'm willing to extend this philosophy to other products as well. So come on, Corporate America. My dollars are up for grabs. All you have to do is give me something cool to look at during my commute.

Week Six NFL Picks

7-7 last week; 36-38 for the season

Baltimore at Indianapolis (-4.5): Indianapolis

Detroit at Minnesota (-14.5): Minnesota

Oakland at New Orleans (-8): New Orleans

Cincinnati at New York Jets (-6): Cincinnati

Carolina at Tampa Bay (-1.5): Carolina

St. Louis at Washington (-13.5): Washington

Miami at Houston (-3): Miami

Chicago at Atlanta (+2.5): Atlanta

Jacksonville at Denver (-3.5): Jacksonville

Dallas at Arizona (+5): Dallas

Philadelphia at San Francisco (+5): San Francisco

Green Bay at Seattle (-2): Green Bay

New England at San Diego (-6): San Diego

New York Giants at Cleveland (+8.5): New York

Paging Dr. Scotus

I normally read Dr. Andrea Bonior's column in The Express each week, because A) She's cute, and B) The types of questions she gets are occasionally interesting. Not like when I would read Ann Landers every day in the Post as a kid (yes, I read Ann Landers when I was a kid. What of it?) and routinely saw questions that made me want to tear my hair out, like, "Dear Ann, My husband beats me up every night, but then says he's sorry and that he only does it because he loves me so much. Should I stay with him?" or "Dear Ann, I'm 16 and want to drop out of school to follow my 25 year-old boyfriend's band around the country, but my parents won't let me. What can I say to make them understand?"

One of the letters in today's column, though, had me reaching for my hair again:

It seems everyone at my office is in a fantasy football league. Whether it's past games or future match-ups, the talk never ends. I have no interest in football and certainly not in fantasy football. And I resent that it seems that my office finds it OK for it to become the dominant social culture for months out of a year. Several of my co-workers who I used to be social with now are swept into this (and they're women, so I just don't get it). I feel like I am at a disadvantage professionally because I don't participate in this. Am I off base? - Benchwarmer

Dr. Bonior proceeded to give "Benchwarmer" some helpful, practical advice. I mainly just want to yell at him or her.

First, I would very much like to know where this wonderful, amazing office is, so I can apply there right this very second. A whole office full of people who are obsessed with fantasy football? (Several of them being women? Hot.)

But Benchwarmer, as to your question, yes, you are off base. Way, way off base.

Let's start with this whole having no interest in football bit. That's a big part of your problem right there. Having no interest in football doesn't just leave you at a social disadvantage, it's fundamentally un-American. I would go so far as to say borderline-treasonous. Maybe if you put down that fan letter you're writing to Osama bin Laden and actually tried watching a game, you'd get it.

As far as fantasy football goes, it's like a drug. You're not going to suddenly get everyone else to suddenly stop being obsessed with it. I'd even be surprised if you could, as Dr. Bonior suggests, get them to agree to "no-league-chat-allowed lunches." So you really just have three options:

1) Just grin and bear it, knowing that come January, your office will go back to normal and will remain that way through August.
2) Sit there and be grumpy about being left out, and risk bringing everyone else down with your lousy attitude.
3) Actually make an effort to participate.

Yeah, yeah, I know. You don't like football, so you wouldn't be any good at fantasy football. Let me tell you a secret about fantasy football: It's amazingly easy. I'm not kidding. You put a chimp in any league, and there's a good chance it'll make the playoffs.

Now, most people who are into fantasy football won't admit this, because we like the mystique of looking like we know what we're doing. Especially when you're currently 5-0 in your league, and kicking ass (as, ahem, I am). But really, it takes no talent whatsoever. In fact, there are so many fantasy football resources out there, in terms of magazines and websites, an alien who has never even heard of football could land on Earth and instantly pick it up.

So basically, I guess I'm saying three things. First, stop whining. Second, start watching football, because goddamnit, you're an American. Act like it. In the very least, buy something with the Redskins logo on it. And third, offices are not the place for individuality. If everyone else wears jeans to work, you don't wear a suit. If everyone else calls each other by their first name, you don't asked to be referred to as Mr. So-and-so. And if everyone else plays fantasy football, bite the bullet and ask, "How do I join?"

Or you know what? Just quit, and let me have your job. Because seriously, your office sounds like the best frigging place on Earth.

Root, root, root for the Cubbies

I thought I was done with baseball for the year, but I want to address two more things regarding the Cubs and the Nationals.

When I was a little kid, I was a Cubs fan. By that, I don't mean that I lived in Chicago, or ever watched a Cubs game on TV, or could name any players on the team, or anything like that. I just mean that I'd somehow acquired a Cubs hat (probably a gift from a friend of my parents or something) and knew that they were perpetual losers, and thus, worth rooting for. Then I saw Major League, and my baseball loyalties, such as they were, shifted to the Indians.

But I always sort of had a soft spot in my heart for the Cubs. Until this happened:

What a complete fucking mess that turned out to be. Fucking Chicago fans. Bunch of fucking savages, the lot of them. The whole thing left a really bitter taste in my mouth that exists to this day.

Yes, it's easy for me to feel this way since it's not my team. Would I have been upset if a Steve Bartman-type had cost the Redskins a playoff game? Sure. But you know what? I would have also gotten the hell over it. Not those goons in the Windy City, though. Never mind the fact that each and every one of them would have gone for that ball given the chance.

What does it say that Michael Wilbon, who, based on his Washington Post.com chats, has never met an obsessed fan he hasn't felt superior to, still can't bring himself to forgive Bartman? Last week on PTI, Tony Kornheiser suggested the existence of The Bartman Curse, and that the Cubs won't win until they forgive him. For whatever reason, Wilbon didn't seem especially eager to go along with that, and one gets the sense that he won't be happy until Bartman, along with Kwame Brown, Michael Leahy, and whoever else is in Wilbon's rogues gallery, are all put in a rocket and shot into the sun.

I hope Kornheiser is right. I hope the Baseball Gods were watching that disgusting display at Wrigley that night, and were highly displeased when They saw fans pelting Bartman with garbage, calling him names, threatening his life, etc. And I hope They got together and declared that Chicago would keep on losing until they made amends.

Now, this is two seasons in a row where the Cubs were favored to make the World Series, and they've flamed out in the first round of the playoffs. I guess the fans could wait around for it to happen again, or they could do the right thing. I call upon the city of Chicago to declare Steve Bartman Day. Treat the guy like a king. Give him a parade. The key to the city. A plaque at Wrigley. Pass an resolution that says if you see Steve Bartman on Steve Bartman Day, you have to give him a hug and say, "No hard feelings." Whatever. Just make it clear that all is forgiven, and they guy can go outside without constantly looking over his shoulder.

On to the Nationals. The City Paper this week delivered a one-two punch against the team and its scumbag owners.

You have to be somewhat impressed by the Lerners. They've actually managed to do the impossible: become worse owners than Dan Snyder. Say what you will about Snyder, but there's nothing he won't do to improve the team. Oh, he could give a shit about the fans. If he could add an extra 100,000 seats to FedEx Field, he would, regardless of whether or not one could actually see the field. If he could buy up every media outlet in the city, so as to silence dissent, he'd do that, too. (You have to love his current crusade to either get Jason La Canfora fired or intimidate him into silence.) But the man will spend like a drunk sailor to help the Redskins. The Lerners apparently won't even do that.

Look, baseball in D.C. was a noble experiment. It failed. The team sucks, attendance is in the toilet, and the Lerners won't even pay their rent. They won't even pay their rent! Has that ever happened before in the history of pro sports?

You know all those teams that we beat in order to land the Expos? Give them a call. Let them have the team. Send them to Vegas or Norfolk or wherever, and be done with this. And--and this is the best part--about the brand new stadium the city just built? Simple. Give it to the Redskins.

During the dull parts of the Nationals game I went to a couple of weeks ago (of which there were many), I started sizing up the field. And with some minor adjustments, I think Nationals Park could easily be converted into a football stadium. Think about it. Everyone wins this way. The city gets rid of the money pit the Nationals have become, the Redskins move back to D.C., and Snyder gets a great new stadium for his team.

I realize neither one of my proposals, Steve Bartman Day or the Nationals getting the bum's rush out of town, are likely to happen. But we really would be better off if they did.

DC Universe Decisions #2

"Well, Lois, as a man who's dutifully served this nation, this planet, this whole damn universe--I have to say, without a doubt, Ridgeway has the stuff. Trust in Guy when he says that this is the guy." - Guy Gardner

For as long as I can remember, there has been one absolute, inviolable law when it comes to comic books: Guy Gardner makes everything better. No matter what series, no matter what creative team, if you put Guy Gardner in a story, it's instantly improved. Sometimes vastly so.

So thank God for Guy, who provides really the only great page in an issue that actually manages to be much, much worse than the first.

More on that, as well as spoilers, right after Green Arrow, Green Lantern, and Black Canary have what I'm pretty sure is a prelude to a three-way.

If we're being honest, this thing never should have been published in the first place. But if it absolutely had to be, it should have just been a 48-page one-shot. Because stretching it out over four issues has resulted in some serious padding in this one: Another attempt on a candidate's life. Another philosophical discussion about whether it's appropriate for superheroes to weigh in on the electoral process. Another few pages burned by having Green Arrow act like an ass.

And it's still ridiculous that we're expected to accept that this is the first time that anyone's thought to ask a superhero what his or her political preference is. In the context of the DCU, superheroes' celebrity is essentially on the same level as that of rock stars and movie stars. We know that in the DCU, there are magazines devoted to superheroes. We know that average people are often desperate to become superheroes themselves. So are we really supposed to believe that every time up until now that someone has shoved a microphone in Superman's face, they've only asked about his thoughts on what it's like to fight Doomsday or where he gets his costumes tailored or whatever?

Or maybe it would be better off if we pretended that actually was the case, as the page where various heroes are interviewed as to who they're voting for was just painful to read.

First, it's amazing how a simple coloring error can make Power Girl's costume look even trashier.

But back on topic, why is Dr. Light waving off the camera? She ought to be grateful for the attention. When the hell else is anyone ever going to care what she thinks about anything? (Although I do wonder whether any reporters in the DCU ever get confused and ask her why she raped Sue Dibney.)

Also, would Power Girl, of all people, really say, "He'll keep us safe"? Aside from being totally out of character, what exactly is a president going to keep her safe from in the DCU? Darkseid? Alien invasions? I guess we can only assume she's talking about al Qaeda, which I guess the JLA just hasn't found time to go after yet. It's really sad that the JLA and the Bush administration have approximately the same level of interest in that.

Honestly, there's enough sloppy writing in this issue where I could literally find something on almost every single page to complain about. But I've never found shooting fish in a barrel to be fun, so I'll just go back to Guy Gardner. If the entire miniseries has been about Guy and his political leanings, it would likely be a masterpiece of epic proportions.

But as it stands, DC Universe Decisions may well go down as one of the worst miniseries in the past several years. And considering DC's output of the past several years, that's really saying something. I mean, this is like...Countdown bad.

Is it too late to become a Marvel fan?

Panel of the Week

From Top Ten Season 2 #1:

Week Five NFL Picks

8-5 last week; 29-31 for the season

San Diego at Miami (+6.5): San Diego

Tennessee at Baltimore (+3): Tennessee

Kansas City at Carolina (-9.5): Kansas City

Chicago at Detroit (+3.5): Chicago

Indianapolis at Houston (+3): Indianapolis

Washington at Philadelphia (-6): Washington

Seattle at New York Giants (-7): New York

Atlanta at Green Bay (-7): Green Bay

Tampa Bay at Denver (-3): Denver

Cincinnati at Dallas (-17): Cincinnati

New England at San Francisco (+3): New England

Buffalo at Arizona (Push): Buffalo

Pittsburgh at Jacksonville (-4): Jacksonville

Minnesota at New Orleans (-3): New Orleans