Books and Bastards

Usually, expecting me to do anything even halfway productive on a weekend morning is asking a lot. But this weekend saw two of my favorite annual events, The National Book Festival on Saturday, and Crafty Bastards on Sunday, which actually necessitated getting up early.

This year, there weren't a lot of authors at the Book Festival that I really cared about. And I never actually stick around to get anything signed. But it's always a fun atmosphere and I did want to hear Brad Meltzer speak.

I got there just around the time that Laura and Jenna Bush were starting their signing session. This is a picture of the line just to get past the Secret Service checkpoint they had set up:

Okay, this is actually a photo I found online of a crowd of people waiting to get into a Black Friday sale at Target. Unfortunately, the picture I took of the actual line was too blurry to use, so I needed a substitute. But yesterday's line was approximately the same length as the one in the picture. Who knew that the Bushes, even the non-George ones, had this many fans in D.C.?

Well, I guess I can understand why people would want to meet Jenna. I have no interest in her book, but I've got something else she can sign, if you know what I mean. Huh? Huh? High five.

No? Nothing? Okay.

I've always had something of a love/hate relationship with Brad Meltzer.

On one hand, he's a great speaker, an unapologetic comic book geek, and I really enjoyed "The Tenth Justice," "The Millionaires," and The Zero Game." His Green Arrow story was pretty good, too.

On the other, I hated "Dead Even," "The First Counsel," and "The Book of Fate." Wasn't wild about his JLA run. And then there's Identity Crisis.

(Those of you not interested in a brief comic book rant can scroll down to the picture of Tiki Barber.)

Four years later, and I'm still somewhat bitter over that miniseries. When most people were up in arms right from the start for its brutal rape and murder of Sue Dibny, a beloved Silver Age character, I thought it was a pretty bold choice. When nerds started whining about how Deathstroke could never take out the JLA, I thought it was one of the best executed comic book fights I'd seen. When Firestorm, one of my all-time favorite characters, went out like a bitch, I let it slide because I was enjoying the story.

But the revelation of Jean Loring as the killer? Jean Loring? Who, in one of the most unintentionally hilarious bits of dialogue ever in a comic, brought along a flamethrower "just in case" when she went to see Sue? Ugh.

All of which is to say that I'm glad Meltzer is sticking to novels, TV, and the Buffy the Vampire Slayer comic, and staying away from the DCU for the time being.

After I listened to Meltzer speak, I was passing through one of the tents and who did I see? Tiki Barber! Who was at the Book Festival to promote his children's book, and is actually a really, really small guy. I don't want to boast, but you know what? I could have tackled him.

Being a Redskins fan and being that close to him, I naturally felt the urge to be a smart-ass. I thought about saying something like, "Hey, Tiki! Do you realize that you and I have the same number of Super Bowl rings?"

But I wasn't sure he'd see the humor. Plus, while he couldn't have been a bigger dick to Eli Manning and Tom Coughlin after retiring, he was acting super cool on Saturday, signing autographs and posing for pictures.

As for Crafty Bastards, I didn't stick around very long this year. The event has gotten a lot bigger, which is nice. Even Fantom Comics had a booth there. But this year, there were far more crafts than art, and the clothes for sale were decidedly geared towards women. One vendor was selling a great shirt that read, "Sometimes I Worry About Zombies" with a drawing of a zombie on it. But they only had it available in women's style. Men worry about zombies, too, you know.

On the plus side, they did have girls sword fighting for some reason.

So all in all, it was a pretty good weekend. I managed to time my excursions perfectly so I didn't get caught in the rain, I didn't get arrested for trying to assault Tiki Barber (At least, I'm pretty sure that when you tackle someone when he isn't playing football with you, it's considered assault.) And I got two free tote bags out of the deal.

I don't know why, but I just can't turn down a free tote bag. I never use tote bags. Like all real men, I believe that if you can't tote something around in your pockets, it's not worth toting. But if someone offers me a free tote bag, I can't grab it fast enough.

I'd give them to homeless people, but I don't even know if homeless people use tote bags, either. Probably because they just don't have that much stuff to tote.

Panel of the Week

From Back to Brooklyn #1:

Week Four NFL Picks

7-9 last week; 21-26 for the season

Atlanta at Carolina (-7): Carolina

Cleveland at Cincinnati (+3.5): Cincinnati

Houston at Jacksonville (-7.5): Jacksonville

Minnesota at Tennessee (-3): Tennessee

Denver at Kansas City (+9): Denver

San Francisco at New Orleans (-6): New Orleans

Green Bay at Tampa Bay (-1): Green Bay

Arizona at New York Jets (-1.5): Arizona

San Diego at Oakland (+7.5): San Diego

Buffalo at St. Louis (+8): Buffalo

Washington at Dallas (-11): Washington

Philadelphia at Chicago (+3): Chicago

Baltimore at Pittsburgh (-7): Baltimore

The Baseball Diaries (Part 3)

Huh? What? Oh, yeah. I was supposed to become a baseball fan this year. How's that going?

Previous installments:

The Baseball Diaries Part 1
The Baseball Diaries Part 2

Okay, here's the deal. My last entry was written on the night of the Nats' home opener, which was...wow. Six months ago. At the time, I honestly meant to give this baseball thing a shot. It just didn't work out. All those goals I outlined? Didn't accomplish a single one of them. I'm not sure why it didn't happen. I guess a combination of real life getting in the way, along with general apathy. Mostly apathy. I think I may just have to accept the fact that I'm a one-sport man. Or maybe I'll give hockey a try.

But the one thing I really did want to do this season was check out the new stadium. And I kept putting it off and putting it off until this past Saturday, when I realized the regular season was wrapping up. So I checked the schedule and saw that since I couldn't make it to any of this week's games, this past weekend was my last chance until next year. Sunday was naturally out of the question since the Redskins were playing, so Saturday night's game against the Padres it was.

I'll break down my thoughts into three sections: the stadium, the food, and the game.

The Stadium

It's awesome. Superior to RFK in every conceivable way. Better view from the seats, better view from the concourse (and of course, by that, I mean "a view from the concourse"), better proximity to the Metro, better restrooms, better everything. It's so great, I actually found myself getting angry at RFK for sucking so much. Why haven't we demolished that place, anyway? It's not like it's still being used. Oh, right. The United. Okay, it's not like it's being used for anything important. Let's blow that sucker up.

Strolling around before the game was a lot of fun. The team really goes all out to present a festive atmosphere. A DJ. Contests. The presidents posing for pictures. Speed dating. A guy walking around with a live owl on his arm. I also briefly checked out the much-ballyhooed PS3 area and...okay. I mean, I guess there's no good reason not to have Guitar Hero stands. I'm not sure what any of it has to do with baseball, but yeah, okay, why not?

My one major complaint is that there's only one giant video screen. For most of the people in the stadium, this isn't a problem, as their view is fine. But anyone sitting out in center field, as I was, doesn't see jack. They couldn't have installed a second screen on the opposite side of the stadium? Even a smaller one? I'm sure "Nat Flix" was absolutely hilarious, but I wouldn't know, because I couldn't see it.

Food

It was really nice to have a couple of dozen food options instead of the handful that were present at RFK. Same lousy customer service, though. Before the game started when no one was buying food, I saw multiple employees just standing behind the counter twiddling their thumbs. By the fifth inning when everyone was buying food, they'd all disappeared. When the guy in front of me in line got to the counter, Employee A asked him to hold on, because Employee B, the person supposed to be working the counter, had apparently wandered off. After a minute of uncomfortable silence where no one was getting served and the line was getting longer, Employee A reluctantly grabbed a pair of gloves and started serving people.

(Speaking of gloves, Nationals, tell your employees to take them off when they step out from behind the counter. I saw one kid counting money while walking through the concourse on his way to wherever it was he was going, with his gloves still on. No doubt he was still wearing those gloves when he went back behind the counter. I'll bet the next person he served spent some time in the restroom yesterday morning.)

Back to the food. Now, I didn't want to eat as much as I did. But I figured that to really deliver a comprehensive review, I had to. It's called journalistic integrity, people.

Nats Dog - $4: Decent hot dog. Nothing special, but it wasn't bad, and toppings were plentiful. And considering how inflated stadium pricing for food is, $4 actually felt like a bargain.

Popcorn - $4.75: Actually a pretty good value. It comes in a nice large box, wasn't overly-salty, and I didn't run into any unpopped kernel until I got to the bottom.

Budwiser (bottle) - $7.50: Yes, it's a ridiculous price for a Bud. Here's what really struck me, though: a bottle of domestic beer is $7.50, while a bottle of Coke costs $4.50. Which is also fucking obscene, but with only a $3 difference between the two, kudos to the Nats for making the decision between soda and beer so easy.

Chicken Tenders - $9.50: Blatant false advertising, as these weren't tender, nor would I be surprised if they weren't actually chicken. But regardless of what animal or animals they were made from, for almost ten bucks, I expect a lot better than rough, tasteless meat, dried out after sitting under a heat lamp for God knows how long. They give you a ton of fries so you don't feel completely cheated, and packets of BBQ sauce to drown the alleged chicken in, but it's still a lousy menu item.

The Game

Meh. Obviously, it wasn't surprising that the Nats lost. Had I gone to Friday's game, I also would have seen the Nats lose, but at least I would have also seen a decent attempt at offense. As it stood, I saw neither offense nor defense. Mostly, it was just guys in jerseys standing around.

What was surprising is how vicious the Nats' fans were about it. Being a Redskins fan these past ten years, I'm well acquainted with home fans booing their team. But last night was the first time I'd ever seen fans actually taunting the players on their team. When Willie Harris fell backwards on his ass while trying not to get hit by the ball coming his way, it got particularly brutal.

Anyway, thus ends the great baseball experiment. For this season, in any case. Maybe I'll give it another shot next year. Maybe not. I will however make the same offer I made a year ago, where if the Indians win the World Series, I'll dive into the sport with both feet. But somehow, I think I'm safe.

Off to look into this hockey thing.

Panel of the Week

From Greatest Hits #1:

DC Universe Decisions #1

"Are superheroes going to be endorsing candidates now? Times they are a-changing." - Lois Lane

Back when I first heard about DC Universe Decisions, I hoped it was a joke. It seemed like a horrendously bad idea with unlimited cons, and no pros, other than possibly a little bit of mainstream press. (Not that DC's really hurting for mainstream press right now.)

The good news is, the first issue of this four-issue miniseries isn't horrendously bad. The bad news is that it's just regular bad. It's also shallow and unnecessary, and a really ill-conceived idea all around.

Spoilers below, right after Green Lantern and Green Arrow talk politics, while Superman has apparently been turned into a zombie.

Okay, first, the biggest, most important, earth-shattering revelation from this issue: Lois Lane is a die-hard Republican. I did not see that coming. (It's never stated outright, but from their conversation, it's implied that Superman is a Democrat. Take that, GOP!")

So anyway, the plot, such as it is: During the Democratic primaries, some unknown person is trying to kill the two leading candidates (who are not named Obama and Hillary, although they might as well be) by using mind control to turn 0rdinary campaign staffers into suicide bombers. You would think in the DCU, something like this would happen every single election, but everyone seems pretty taken aback by it.

The JLA decides to play bodyguard to the two candidates, which strikes me as a distinctly un-JLA-like thing to do, as it means the JLA is basically investing all its resources into protecting exactly two people. Meanwhile, all the non-presidential candidates out there in the world are getting killed by Amazo or eaten by giant dogs or whatever, with no JLA to save them. Maybe this is the distraction that allowed Final Crisis to happen without anyone noticing.

The rest of the issue centers around what seems to be the main point of this series: is it kosher for a superhero to endorse a political candidate? And it's not a bad question, but does it require an entire mini-series? Not really. This could have just as easily been done as a regular story-arc in the pages of Green Arrow or JLA or whatever.

Worse, having asked the question, it doesn't appear as though writers Bill Willingham and Judd Winnick are going to do anything interesting in regards to answering it. Green Arrow endorses [Obama], who opens up a big lead over [Hillary], and the other heroes just groan. Over the next few issues, I predict some other hero will endorse the Republican candidate, there will be some sort of fight, and at the end, a lesson will be learned. I'm used to pointless, preachy storytelling from Winnick; from Willingham, it's a bit of a disappointment.

Granted, there's always the possibility there's some sort of great twist involved that'll turn the story on its head, at which point I will happily apologize. But it doesn't look likely.

I'll end with two more complaints:

First, I refuse to believe that when there's no one else around, Wonder Woman puts her hands on her hips and talks to herself.

And I wish DC would make up its collective mind about whether Wonder Woman is a sophisticated, intelligent person, with a keen understanding of the world, or a naive, borderline-retard who insists on viewing everything through the lens of "a warrior." Because DC seems to switch back and forth at will.

Second, it's petty, but I wasn't crazy about Willingham and Winnick trotting out Batman's trusty old "Hh." For some reason, only Grant Morrison can pull that off.

Week Three NFL Picks

8-7 last week; 14-17 for the season

Carolina at Minnesota (-3.5): Carolina

Kansas City at Atlanta (-5.5): Atlanta

Oakland at Buffalo (-9.5): Oakland

Tampa Bay at Chicago (-3): Chicago

Houston at Tennessee (-5): Tennessee

Cincinnati at New York Giants (-13.5): New York

Miami at New England (-12.5): New England

Arizona at Washington (-3): Washington

New Orleans at Denver (-5.5): Denver

St. Louis at Seattle (-9.5): St. Louis

Detroit at San Francisco (-4): Detroit

Cleveland at Baltimore (-2.5): Baltimore

Pittsburgh at Philadelphia (-3): Pittsburgh

Jacksonville at Indianapolis (-5.5): Indianapolis

Dallas at Green Bay (+3): Dallas

New York Jets at San Diego (-9): San Diego

Union Station 9

Buried in a congressional hearing about the hard time that Union Station security guards are giving tourists and others who dare to take photos while in the mall or station was a news nugget that may brighten your day: The Union Station 9, the movie theater complex in the station's basement food court, will soon shut down forever.
...
I make it a habit to note and mourn the passing of all great old pre-greed movie houses, but I'm willing to bet a nice prize from the Vast Vat of Values that few of you will make a serious, passionate case for how the loss of the Union Station 9 is an occasion for civic grief. Anyone want to try? (Marc Fisher)

I will. Well, sort of.

I've seen exactly two movies at Union Station in my entire life: Event Horizon and Air Force One. Both came out over a decade ago, so obviously, it's not like I've been in much of a hurry to get back there. But that has more to do with the theater's inconvenient proximity to where I live and work than anything else. There have been times I've been in Union Station, coming back from a trip or buying comics at Fantom or eating at the food court or whatever, and thought about catching a film, but the timing never seemed to work out.

But in spite of the crowds which, as Fisher points out, had a reputation for being loud and obnoxious (of course, this is a problem endemic to movie theaters all over the area, which is why I try to stick to matinees and go to as few evening shows as possible), the theater itself was great. I loved the gimmick of each individual theater being named for a defunct D.C. movie palace, and the bizarre cavern-like architecture inside was really cool, too. Plus, both Event Horizon* and Air Force One were awesome films, so for me, it had a 100% success rate.

So while it may have had bad management, it was an excellent theater. I don't know why so many people in the comments section of the column are taking such glee in its closing. Especially those who go to the Georgetown or Chinatown theaters, where all those teens and other assorted undesirables will undoubtedly now be migrating.

If anything, people should be angry over the theater's unwillingness to do anything about the crowd problems, to where business dropped off as much as it did. And like I said, it's not like other theaters are much better, either.

So sooner or later, whether you're Republican or Democrat, pro-gun or anti-gun, I think you're going to have to come to the same conclusion I have regarding how to handle obnoxious moviegoers: ushers with firearms.

Just have one usher in the back of the theater with a rifle and an infrared scope, ready to take out anyone who starts talking loudly or texting or otherwise being an asshat. And you know why this would work? Aside from a natural fear of death? Because the vast majority of films nowadays suck, and no one wants to suffer the embarrassment of dying while watching a bad movie. No one wants their obituary to include the fact that they were watching Balls of Fury when they departed this mortal coil.

Maybe if the D.C. gun ban had been struck down years ago, the Union Station 9 could have been saved. I guess we'll never know.

* When it first came out, Event Horizon was actually marketed as the scariest movie ever made. I don't just mean they pulled a quote out some idiot critic's review, either. I mean, I literally heard a radio commercial that stated that "Event Horizon is the scariest movie ever made." It wasn't. Not even close. So I walked out of the theater somewhat pissed off. But I've seen it a few more times since then, and decided that aside from being a good film in general, while it's not anything approaching the scariest movie ever made, it's at least as scary as Alien, which often (inexplicably) ends up on people's Best Horror Films Ever Made lists.

So, scary, but not that scary.

Things I saw on my run today

1) Follow-up to last Sunday's post:

The only thing better than a flooded Starbucks is a boarded-up Starbucks. Unfortunately, it's probably only temporary, but considering that the company is in the process of closing stores, maybe this'll make them think: Do we really need three stores along a quarter-mile stretch on M Street?

2) In the parking lot by Roosevelt Island, a woman got out of her car. She was wearing really tight spandex running shorts (and looked awesome in them), but apparently, the trade-off for tight spandex is not having pockets. Because as she set off to join her group, she took her keys and just tossed them underneath her car. Still totally visible, too, to any passers by.

Now, I know the people who park at Roosevelt Island to go running, cycling, canoeing, etc., typically range from middle class to upper-middle class to pretty well off, so the car was probably safe. But still. It seems really trusting to just leave your keys laying around. Surely, having a car when you get back from your run is worth wearing shorts with pockets, even if they don't show off every contour of your wonderfully toned ass.

For a brief moment, I considered stealing the car. Then I realized I wouldn't know what to do with it. If anyone knows of any good chop shops, email me for next time.

3) Hey! My favorite running route is the same as George Clooney's in Burn After Reading.

Does this make me as cool as George Clooney in other ways? I believe it does.

Panel of the Week

From All-Star Batman & Robin, the Boy Wonder #10:

The EagleBank Bowl and My Ascension to the Media Elite

If you're a D.C. blogger, chances are, you get press releases sent to you. Most are just along the lines of, "If you wouldn't mind, please post this to your blog, blah, blah, blah." Typically, they're for things like charity events, comedy shows, etc. I've posted a few in the past, but at some point, I stopped because I didn't want this place to be a bulletin board.

But the other day, I actually got one that was sort of cool. Here it is, with all the unimportant stuff taken out:

MEDIA ADVISORY WASHINGTON, DC BOWL COMMITTEE ANNOUNCES INAUGURAL BOWL GAME

Press Conference at Navy Memorial Plaza Slated for 9/10/08 (Wednesday)

WHO: Adrian M. Fenty, Mayor, Washington, DC
Vincent Gray, Chairman, DC Council
Jack Evans, Vice Chairman, DC Council
Kwame Brown, Chairman, Committee on EconomicDevelopment, DC

WHAT: For the first time in history, Washington, DC will host a major NCAA-sanctioned college football postseason bowl game. Selected speakers will make brief remarks and announce specific details of the upcoming game, including venue, title sponsor, benefiting charities and ticket purchase information. Participants will field questions following the presentation of prepared statements. Individual interviews following the press conference will be available upon request.

WHERE: Navy Memorial Plaza, Pennsylvania Avenue, NW between 7th and 9th Streets

WHEN: September 10, 2008, 10:00 A.M.

Please RSVP through media@wdcbc.org with name and media affiliation. Please indicate whether an individual interview is being requested.

Hot damn. I'm officially D.C. media. D.C. sports media, no less.

And as a member of the D.C. media establishment, my time is obviously valuable. Compared to, say, the Washington Post or WJLA, my resources are limited, so I have to be fairly choosy about what events I do and do not cover. I'm not some blogger monkey that does tricks whenever some organizer deigns to let me attend their thing. So even though this sort of fell into my wheelhouse (D.C., football, Fenty, etc.), I was inclined to pass. Then this follow-up email arrived:

To All: There will be valet service provided for media attending Wednesday's press conference. The service will run from 8:45 am to 11:45 am and you can pick it up on the D Street side, between 6 and 8th Street, against the backdrop of the Memorial. If you have any other questions please feel free to give me a call and I will get back to you as soon as I can.

Free valet parking. Wow. I have arrived. I decided to go to the press conference after all.

So yesterday morning, I pulled up behind the Navy Memorial, tossed the valet my keys, and said, "Hey, sport, no scratches, huh? It's a company car." He got a good laugh out of that. At least, I think he was laughing. Say, was I supposed to tip him? Whatever.

From there, I went over to the media registration table, and waited in line with the rest of the rabble. When I got to the front, the woman working there asked me my name and media affiliation.

"Scotus. The D.C. Universe," I said.

She looked at her list. "Scotus...is that your first or last name?"

I sighed. Such an irritating question, and one I'm frankly sick and tired of. I sometimes wonder why trailblazers like Madonna and Fabio even bothered, when we one-named people still face this sort of ignorance and discrimination on a regular basis. "Only, sweetheart. D.C. Universe? Date Lab posts? Panel of the Week? Maybe you've heard of it?"

She was very apologetic, and I could tell that she was flustered to be in the presence of such a prominent member of the media. I understand. It's like the time I saw Tony Reali at CVS. You just don't know how to react when you're around a big media celebrity.

Then I spent the next twenty minutes or so hobnobbing with my colleagues in the local print and TV media. You know...Haber, Feldy, Kornheiser. A few others. I made a lot of great contacts, and while I can't go into details until the contracts are signed, it looks as though I can finally quit my job and leave this whole D.C. Universe nonsense behind, and go on to what I was really meant to do this whole time: professional sports punditry. A field where it often seems like the stupider your opinions, the more successful you are. And I know stupid.

So, it's been fun. Thanks for following along these past couple of years, and I'll let you know where I end up.

Okay, yesterday may not have happened quite like that. In truth, I didn't take advantage of valet parking, didn't bother registering, and watched the press conference from the side for less than ten minutes before hopping back on the Metro. Just long enough to see a bunch of politicians and ACC officials congratulate themselves, and be disappointed that Lindsay Czarniak wasn't there. And while I probably am stupid enough to be a pundit of some sort, for now, it looks like I'm stuck here.

But I have a few thoughts on the press conference and the game, aided by a transcript that I received last night.

1) They had a couple dozen D.C. students in matching polo shirts sitting in front of the stage, facing the crowd, apparently, for decoration. Fenty described them as "...budding professional sports stars themselves that they want to look at first how college teams play and then how professional teams play. And so we're going to give our young people an opportunity to see a top-flight college game played here at RFK for the first time in the city's history."

Which...I dunno. First, given how many kids pin their dreams on being able to play pro sports to the detriment of their education, and how infinitesimally small the odds of them actually making it are, is it really a good idea to make it seem that simple? Second, they better make sure those kids actually do get free tickets. I'm not sure how watching a college football game from the stands will make one a better athlete, but having been used as props, they at least deserve to see the game.

2) The set-up of the game is complete bullshit. Essentially, Navy (next year, it'll be Army) will be guaranteed a slot if they just win six of their regular season games. Now, maybe it's because I'm an America-hating Democrat, but how is this fair? The whole point of the college bowl system, as ridiculous and convoluted as it is, is that you get in based on merit. Yay, troops, and all that, but it's absurd to give Navy and Army a free pass just because they're Navy and Army. Hey, I know, why not eliminate the play-in game of the NCAA Tournament, and just let one of those teams in?

3) Audience participation in press conferences is, and always has been, a bad idea:

Moderator: Now, as folks are returning to their seats, everybody here on the panel, as well as Mayor Fenty, are available for about five or ten minutes of questions from the audience. So what we'd like to do is throw it open to some questions. Who's first? Yes. Go ahead.

Audience Member: I actually don't have any questions because I don't know anything about sports. I'm in arts. I actually came here because I saw things going on. Anyways -- oh. I'm sorry. Anyways, I don't know anything about sports because I'm in arts and I'm kind of ignorant to that. But I am young. I'm a quarter of a century old. And I just want to thank all of you for bringing sports to D.C. My housemates are professional rugby players and ESPN is always on in my house. And it's really exciting to be able to have sports come to D.C. It's really nice.

Fenty: All right.

Audience Member: Thank you. This is history in the making. Thank you.

Fenty: All right. Well, there may not actually be any questions. But we have a lot of -- oh. One or two questions.

Heh. Nice escape attempt, there, Mr. Mayor.

So, anyway, thus concludes my first day as a bigshot member of the D.C. media. I can see why it's such a coveted gig. To my journalistic brethren, I'll see you at the next press conference. Or, if not, I'll at least read the transcript.

Week Two NFL Picks

6-10 last week; 6-10 for the season

Indianapolis at Minnesota (+2): Indianapolis

Chicago at Carolina (-3): Chicago

Tennessee at Cincinnati (-1): Cincinnati

Green Bay at Detroit (+3): Green Bay

Oakland at Kansas City (-3.5): Kansas City

New York Giants at St. Louis (+8.5): New York

Buffalo at Jacksonville (-5.5): Jacksonville

New Orleans at Washington (Push): Washington

San Francisco at Seattle (-7): San Francisco

Atlanta at Tampa Bay (-7): Atlanta

San Diego at Denver (+ 1.5): San Diego

New England at New York Jets (-1.5): New England

Miami at Arizona (-6.5): Arizona

Baltimore at Houston (-4.5): Baltimore

Pittsburgh at Cleveland (-6): Pittsburgh

Philadelphia at Dallas (-7): Philadelphia

Why do you suck so much, TV?

You want to know how you can tell you're a dork? Not just a dork, but an ultimate, no holds barred, basement of the science building-dwelling dork?

You actually look forward to Entertainment Weekly's Fall TV Preview each year.

First, looking at the cover, I'm somewhat amazed by how many guys I know who are fans of Gossip Girl. I don't get the appeal, myself, though I'm not sure if that makes me old or masculine. But at least liking Gossip Girl seems somewhat defensible. I'm far, far more dismayed at how many times I've overheard two people discussing The Hills, where both participants in the conversation had penises.

Anyway, back to the issue. It's hard to explain exactly why the Fall TV Preview issue is so enticing. After all, it's not like the old, pre-Internet days, when you only had promos on TV that would begin running over the summer, to base your judgment on. Now, you not only know what shows are going to be on the fall schedule the moment they're officially picked up, but you have access to plot info, early reviews, interviews with the producers and cast, and, if you're so inclined, some fairly detailed spoilers. So, to a degree, the Fall TV Preview has gone the way of the horse and buggy.

Except...it's still fun to see people genuinely geeked up about television. And that's why I still look forward to the issue, even though it doesn't tell me anything I don't already know.

Here's the problem this year, though: As far as new shows go, it seems like everything sucks. Nothing to get excited about. No Lost. No 24. No 30 Rock. No House. Okay, there's a couple of things that look good. Fringe, which I watched last night, seems promising. Life on Mars looks interesting. And...that's about it. Everything else looks godawful. I realize the writer's strike screwed things up, but still. Knight Rider? My Own Worst Enemy? 90210? And how many chances does Jerry O'Connell get at having a show?

I really hope TV gets its shit together next fall. I mean, does TV want me to pick up a book? Does TV want me to leave my home? It sure seems like it.

Bad TV.

Hanna Does Georgetown

There's something about seeing vast amounts of water pouring out of a Starbucks that fills me with an odd sense of joy.

I can't tell, is the flood a Grande or Venti?

Panel of the Week

From Secret Six #1:

Wow. That did not go well.

Don't be fooled by the relatively close final score. That was a fucking disaster, is what that was.

Jason Campbell looked lost. Clinton Portis seemed to be standing still. Durant Brooks punted more tonight than he did in his entire college career. Chris Cooley got me exactly zero fantasy points. Jim Zorn often appeared to be wistfully thinking about Seattle, and how great and uncomplicated his life was there. The only reason the score wasn't 36 to 7 is because the Giants weren't all that hot, either.

The Redskins will pick it up. They're too good not to. But based on tonight, as well as those last two preseason games, as well as the complexities involved in learning a new offense, it looks like we're staring down the barrel of the two most dreaded words in all of professional sports: rebuilding year.

Week One NFL Picks

Washington at New York Giants (-3.5): Washington

Arizona at San Francisco (+2.5): Arizona

Seattle at Buffalo (-1): Seattle

Cincinnati at Baltimore (+1): Baltimore

Dallas at Cleveland (+5.5): Dallas

Detroit at Atlanta (+3): Atlanta

Chicago at Indianapolis (-9.5): Indianapolis

Jacksonville at Tennessee (+3): Jacksonville

Kansas City at New England (-16.5): Kansas City

Tampa Bay at New Orleans (-3): New Orleans

New York Jets at Miami (+3): Miami

St. Louis at Philadelphia (-7.5): St. Louis

Houston at Pittsburgh (-6.5): Pittsburgh

Carolina at San Diego (-9): San Diego

Denver at Oakland (+3): Oakland

Minnesota at Green Bay (-2): Minnesota

I think I was sexually assaulted on the Metro this morning

As most Metro stories start out, I was just standing on the train, minding my own business. The train was only half full, so even though I people were standing, there was ample room to spread out.

I'm standing by one of the doors, holding The Express with one hand, and holding onto the pole with the other, when this woman comes up and stands right next to me. She also grabs onto the pole, only a couple of inches above my hand, so her bare arm is touching the back of my hand. I move my hand down the pole. A few seconds later, her hand follows, so we're once again making contact. Now, as Jim Carrey says in Cable Guy, "It's just skin." But still, there's something a little off-putting having a total stranger rub theirs against yours.

Unless...I realized that I had only seen this woman out of the corner of my eye. Maybe she was incredibly hot! Maybe she was from some exotic country where this was how people flirt on public transportation! Maybe this would turn out to be the greatest Metro ride ever! So I glanced up from the paper and...well...not so incredibly hot. Plus, about 10-15 years older than I am. Dismayed I hadn't wandered into a Cinemax movie after all, I dropped my hand a couple inches. Again, her arm soon followed, and we were once more skin buddies.

This went on for about three minutes. My hand moved up and down the pole so much, I was practically giving the Metro a hand job. I tried glancing at her a few times, but she refused to make eye contact with me. But at least she wasn't a crazy homeless person or anything. And of course, there was always the possibility that this was just a big misunderstanding, and she didn't even realize what she was doing. So I decided not to say anything, and just ignore it.

By this point, the train is pulling into Farragut North, and my hand is about even with her chest. Big mistake.

All of a sudden, she shoves her left breast right into the back of my hand. I mean, just mashes it right in there. My male instincts suddenly kick in and recognize that inappropriate male/female contact has just been made, and I start to apologize profusely, even though I didn't do anything wrong. Then I realize she's not moving her breast. And she's still not making eye contact with me, but she's definitely making breast contact with my poor hand, which is just trapped there and has no idea what to do.

"Uh, your..." is about all I can get out, but then the doors open and she quickly steps out, leaving me trying to figure out what had just happened.

You know, as a man living in America, I'm familiar with hardship. When the water cooler container in the office needs to be changed, it's always a guy who's asked to do it. Men have to pay more taxes than women, for no other reason than that our pay tends to be higher on average. And of course, just last night, I watched Sarah Palin give her speech at the GOP convention, as her husband dutifully sat in the audience, smiling and holding their baby.

One day, we're going to break that glass ceiling. But in the meantime, is it too much to ask to just be able to ride the Metro to work without being made to feel like a piece of meat? Without being fondled? When I got off the train at the next stop, I saw a group of women walking towards me. I immediately crossed the street. I just didn't feel like being leered at (or worse) right then.

Men's rights have come a long way in this country, thanks to pioneers like George Washington, Burt Reynolds, Michael Jordan, and Mr. T. But then something like this happens, and you realize just how far we still have to go.

Dating for D.C. Dummies

You know, I almost didn't even bother reading Date Lab this week. That's how boring it's been for the past few months. But I'm glad I did, because once again, they found a winner. She's no Leana Wen, but I don't think we're ever going to see that sort of performance again. She was like the Michael Phelps of Date Lab.

But I digress. On to this week's train wreck:

Olga: He's not the kind of guy that I'm attracted to. The edge was missing, the bad boy image.

Oh, come on. You're 29. Isn't that a little old to still have a bad boy fetish? How is that any different than a guy holding out for his cheerleader fantasy from high school? And what the hell does "bad boy image" even mean, anyway? Presumably not a guy who'll, say, cheat on you and steal your jewelry to sell for meth. So what, then?

Rides a motorcycle? Smokes? Sneers a lot for no particular reason? What?

I kind of made up my mind that it wasn't going to go anywhere. Maybe this is why I'm still single; I want to have an instant spark.

Wow, we're three paragraphs in, and she's already hit all the standard Date Lab marks. Totally dismissed the guy at first glance? Check. Fixated on a specific image that most guys don't (and for that matter, shouldn't) live up to? Check. Bemoans the lack of an instant spark? Check.

If you were going to program a robot to go out on a date by uploading a bunch of old Date Lab columns, this is exactly how it would act. Quick, someone check Olga to see if she has glowing red eyes and a metal endoskeleton.

She told me [Date Lab is] the first thing she reads every Monday, and she wanted her 15 minutes of fame. That was a bit of a turnoff, like she just wanted exposure. She also mentioned that she knows people that have done Date Lab, and their experiences were horrendous.

She reads Date Lab every week, and she still needed her friends to tell her it's a horrendous experience? And she still signed up?

Also, how does someone manage to know not just one, but multiple people who have participated in Date Lab? That's got to be the social circle from hell.

I wanted a cocktail, so when the waiter came over, Daniel was like, "The lady will have blah, blah, blah." I was taken aback; I'm used to speaking for myself.

Here, I'll actually side with Olga. Guys shouldn't order for women. I don't even mean in the sense that it's rude and sort of chauvinistic. I just mean, if you're on a date with a woman, what the hell do you care what she orders?

Sure, if she's on her second Grey Goose martini and says she's thinking about ordering the Maine lobster (at market price), feel free to tell the waiter, "The lady will have the meatloaf and a Coke."

But that's really the only reason to do so.

We were talking nicely, and at Metro Center she's like, "This is your station; you'd better get out." I was like, "Aren't you?" And she was like, "No, I'm going to Gallery Place." The Yellow Line was definitely faster for her, but we could have both taken the Blue Line and spent more time together.

Heh. Is there any better way to gauge someone's romantic interest than whether they're willing to forego the faster Metro train for you? Don't feel bad, brother. We've all been ditched for the Yellow Line at one time or another. (If not literally, then at least metaphorically.)

Summer Movie Scorecard - Final

Have Seen:

The Dark Knight: A+
WALL·E: A+
Speed Racer: A
Iron Man: A-
Hancock: B
Tropic Thunder: B
The Incredible Hulk: B
Get Smart: C+
Wanted: C
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: D+