Tales From the Netflix Crypt

This week's reviews: Hack!, Hatchet, and Steel Trap




Hack! (2006)

Plot: A bunch of college students set sail for an island field trip, only to find themselves the unwitting stars of a snuff film made by a couple of horror movie aficionados.

Comments: Horror movies that seek to pay homage to the genre in a lighthearted way can go one of two ways. The first way is the Scary Movie approach, where the gags are usually cheap and easy and just sort of hang out there as you roll your eyes and think, "Okay, I get it, the writer's seen a bunch of horror films."

The second way is what films like Scream, Behind the Mask, and Hack! do, which is to find really clever ways to work in the references and in-jokes, to the point where the viewers sometimes have to put two and two together on their own instead of having everything spelled out for them. Unlike those other films, though, Hack! takes the interesting approach of name-checking movies outside of the mainstream. Sure, stuff like The Birds and Texas Chainsaw Massacre get mentions, but 13 Ghosts? Killer Klowns From Outer Space? Piranha? Good stuff.

Still, as strong as the script is, the film would have likely failed if not for the acting. Everyone is pretty solid, but Danica McKellar--aside from being my ultimate childhood crush (and she's still single, so it could happen)--does a great job as the lead, especially at the end, where she really gets to let loose. Winnie Cooper would be horrified.

Script: B+
Acting: A
Gore: B
Overall: A-




Hatchet (2006)

Plot: On a haunted swamp tour outside of New Orleans, passengers encounter a disfigured killer who proceeds to hack, impale, and rip his way through them, though ironically, decides against hatcheting them for the most part.

Comments: I sort of have mixed feelings about this film. On one hand, it's intense, hilarious, and somewhat nostalgic, as it has a definite 80s slasher flick vibe. (Interestingly, in the commentary track, Green says this wasn't his intention, but it's there whether he meant for it to be or not.) On the other hand, it doesn't really cover any new ground, which is disappointing, given the amount of hype the film's received.

That's actually something I've been thinking about recently. Despite being a big horror film fan, for a while now, I've been really burned out on horror films. It got to the point where almost everything, even the good stuff, seemed to blur together for me. So given the sheer amount of repetitiveness in the genre, does a horror film have to bring something new to the table in order for it to succeed? Or is it enough to just hit the standard notes, but in a really entertaining way? I guess I'm leaning more towards the latter, because I greatly enjoyed Hatchet in spite of its familiarity.

In terms of the horror icons who appear in the film, I think it might have worked better without the Robert Englund cameo, as that's almost become a cliche unto itself. However, Kane Hodder is great as the killer, getting to emote a lot more than he ever did as Jason, and Tony Todd is, as always, awesome in his minute or so of screen time.

And while I try to stay away from discussing DVD extras, as they're irrelevant to how good the film is or isn't, the commentary track really is excellent. My appreciation for the film went up several notches when I heard what sort of limitations the filmmakers were working under. I mean, how often do you hear a director discussing how he couldn't afford to fly the cast to the location shoot? Dee Snyder unexpectedly popping up on one of the features was a great surprise, too.

Script: B
Acting: B
Gore: A-
Overall: B




Steel Trap (2007)

Plot: Several C-list celebrities attending a New Year's party are lured to another part of the building, where they must survive a series of traps in order to escape.

Comments: You know, it's not like this sort of plot wasn't around well before the Saw films came out, but for some reason, movies like this still feel like they're meant to be Saw rip-offs.

Anyway, the only thing that makes this film in any way distinctive is that the characters are famous. Sort of like why Punk'd was more interesting than just another Candid Camera-type show. But even that doesn't save the film. The characters may be celebrities, but they're still about as cookie-cutter as they come.

There is one genuinely creepy scene involving a pig's head, but aside from that, there isn't a whole lot here worth watching. The ending, especially, is about as underwhelming as anything I've seen in a long time. Seriously, if you want to get revenge on a group of people for the way they treated you as a kid, why not just hire a hitman instead of going through so much effort?

Script: C-
Acting: C+
Gore: B
Overall: C-

Yet another reason to hate genocide

I've always loved the old National Bank of Washington building, and I've never understood why it's sat empty for so many years. In a city full of banks with those tiny lobbies and cramped desk space, it's a shame that no one ever set up shop here. D.C. could really use one of those really big, really fancy banks, that are constantly getting robbed in movies like Inside Man or The Dark Knight. Instead, it's just been a place for the homeless to camp out in front of.

So when I saw this last week, I was glad that it seemed like someone was finally moving in:

Then I actually read who was going to occupy it.

Is it a bank, that would restore the building to its original purpose and glory? Some upscale retail establishment, like a Tiffany's or an Apple Store? Some new and exciting tourist location, like the Spy Museum?

No, the building is going to be home to the Armenian Genocide Museum and Memorial.

Now, no offense to the good people of Armenia, both living and dead. But...really? A museum dedicated to the Armenian genocide? Right there in the heart of D.C.? And the organizers feel as though this is going to be a popular destination? I'm not entirely sure how many Armenians there are in the D.C. area, either residents or tourists, but I can't imagine it's enough to keep this thing afloat.

Apparently, the Armenians got their hands on the building a long, long time ago, hence why no one has moved in in the meantime. And good for them, I guess. There should absolutely be an Armenian Genocide Museum and Memorial. Just maybe in Armenia.

But if the building has to house yet another museum and memorial, I'd prefer it be for something a little...I dunno...peppier? I mean, suppose you're walking down the street. It's been a really bad day. Would you rather pass by a museum dedicated to genocide or a museum dedicated to, say, the Redskins? Or puppies? Or Batman? Or pretty much anything cheerier than genocide? Which is to say, pretty much everything?

I won't go so far as to say that I want this thing to fail. But if it does, it'd be nice if there was something really cool and fun and non-mass murder-related ready to replace it. Actually, the more I think about it, the more I think a Batman museum would be a really, really great idea.

Back away from the donuts, fatty

Most adults in the U.S. will be overweight or obese by 2030, with related health care spending projected to be as much as $956.9 billion, according to researchers at the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health, the Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality and the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine. (Johns Hopkins)

I'm torn. On one hand, when I saw WALL•E, I really liked the idea of those floating chairs. They've replaced hoverboards* as my most coveted item from a sci-fi film. And you have to figure that if 86% of the country was obese, they'd have to invent floating chairs, which would be awesome! You don't have to do anything, except float and watch TV on your visor!

Unfortunately, if we don't get floating chairs out of this, this news isn't quite as exciting. Some might even call it alarming.

Having recently lost a fair amount of weight, I don't see myself ever becoming overweight again (unless, of course, I have the prospect of a floating chair as an incentive). But that won't stop everyone else from porking up. In 2030, I'll be in my early 50s. If I'm married with a family by then, they'll cost me a fortune in food and medical care. If I'm still single, my dating options will be severely limited. So I lose either way.

Plus, if 86% of the country is obese, me and my fellow skinnies will undoubtedly face all kinds of discrimination in our everyday lives. Having to shop at special stores to find pants with a 32-inch waist. Being jeered at in restaurants by other diners who are on their second or third desserts, just because we ordered the chicken. Forced to sit in the middle seat on airplanes. Hell, they'll probably end up rounding us up and relocating us to some island, like we're lepers. That's assuming they don't just decide to eat us.

* Where the hell are hoverboards, anyway? I watched some of Back to the Future Part II over the weekend, and was surprised the first half took place in 2015. For some reason, I'd remembered it as being 2025. 2015 is only seven years away! Yet we have no flying cars, no dehydrated pizzas, no Mr. Fusion, no self-drying jackets, and most importantly, no hoverboards.

As one of the idiot kids who fell for the hoverboard hoax when the film came out, and begged my parents for one if they were ever "legalized," I think I've been more than patient. Also, in the film, Jaws 19 is out in theaters, and we haven't even gotten Jaws 5 yet. Also, the filmmakers seemed to think we'd have fax machines in every room in our home. Also, the Cubs actually won the World Series. You know, I'm starting to think Back to the Future Part II may not have been an entirely accurate representation of the future. I can only imagine the letdown when we get to the 24th century, and don't have even half the stuff Star Trek promised us.

Marc Fisher defends Max Fischer

Pity poor Matthew Nuti, who dared to be only good. Weep for all those students at the Thomas Jefferson High School for Science and Technology who, like Matthew, managed to maintain only a B-minus average and who therefore have been summarily given the heave-ho from the Fairfax school.

To be admitted to TJ--by some measures the highest achieving public school in the nation--you must score exceedingly well on the entrance exam. And now, to stay at TJ, you must maintain at least a B average. Apparently, TJ students, by virtue of their extraordinary skills and unmatched work ethic, are by definition A students. Those who fall short obviously do not belong. (Raw Fisher)

Normally when Marc Fisher gets up on his soapbox and complains about shit, I'm right there with him. But in this case, I find his sympathies badly misplaced.

It's bad enough that we coddle average students in this country. Kids are no longer allowed to play dodge ball in gym class. Valedictorians are being phased out of high school graduations in favor of recognizing numerous students. Parents get their kids' grades changed by blaming the teacher. And now we have to worry about this trend spreading to the elite students?

I'm sure Nuti's a nice kid, but he had ample warning that he was going to get expelled if he didn't get it together, but decided to get his Max Fischer on by practicing his "wit" and doing extracurriculars when maybe he should have been studying just a little more. Especially math and science, given that Thomas Jefferson is a math and science oriented school.

And hey, believe me, I sympathize with sucking at math and science. When I was in middle school, I wanted to go to Jefferson when I first heard about it. (And before you laugh at the idea, I'll point out that I was actually a lot smarter as a kid than I am as an adult.) Then I found out its full name was Thomas Jefferson High School for Science and Technology, and realized that didn't really play to my academic strengths. Just the opposite, actually. Now, if it were Thomas Jefferson High School for English and Social Studies, I would have been in like Flint.

Fisher argues that in the grand scheme of things, a B- is pretty good. And he's right. But gifted kids at magnet schools aren't supposed to be "pretty good." They're the ones who are presumably going to go on to run our economy, cure AIDS, and figure out how to save the planet from that killer asteroid heading our way. As such, there's nothing wrong with holding them to a higher standard than others, instead of letting them skate by through life with no adversity.

Not holding them to higher standards makes them soft and leads to all sorts of unpleasant behavior down the road. It leads to Andrew Giuliani suing Duke University after being kicked off the golf team. It leads to recent college grads from good schools getting defensive or starting to cry when their work is criticized. It leads to people thinking we'd be greeted as liberators in Iraq. So if a student at Jefferson or Harvard or Rushmore or wherever can't cut it, he should be pushed aside for someone who can.

After all, that killer asteroid isn't going to destroy itself.

Panel of the Week

From Ambush Bug: Year None #1:

Fried cheese and missed opportunities

One of my favorite places to go for lunch is Park Place Gourmet on 17th & I. Downtown is full of restaurants with those pay-by-the-pound hot bars, but very few of them are any good. They're almost all about quantity over quality. They give you a lot of food relatively cheap, with the mutual understanding that it's not exactly going to be a culinary high point of your life.

Park Place Gourmet is great, though. In particular, their General Tso's Chicken is excellent. The meat is really tender, and so unlike the chewy, stringy chicken you normally find in these types of places, I wouldn't be at all surprised if it wasn't chicken at all, but instead, made out of wayward toddlers, whose bodies haven't yet been poisoned by years of fast food and laying around playing Xbox. Frankly, it's so good, even if I knew that to be the case, I'd still keep eating it.

So anyway, while I've eaten lunch there several times, I've never gone there for breakfast before. But I was passing by this morning and had some time to kill, so I figured why not? It didn't disappoint. Their breakfast bar is pretty standard (sausage, eggs, hash browns, etc.), but good. But as I was getting my food, I saw something that caught my attention in one of the containers. Something that appeared to be fried mozzarella sticks.

Now if we're being completely honest, there's almost nothing in the world better than fried cheese. There just isn't. And seeing them there, and suddenly being blindsided by the concept of mozzarella sticks for breakfast? I can only imagine it's like how scientists felt when Fleming explained how he came up with penicillin. You sort of want to just smack your forehead and go, "Of course!" So I added a couple to my plate, paid, and sat down to eat, wondering why there isn't a Nobel Prize for fried food, and then wondering how hard it would be to get one established, with Park Place Gourmet being the first recipient.

Then...disappointment. It turns out they weren't mozzarella sticks after all. They were fried...something. I think pickles, but I'm not sure. But they were definitely vegetable-ish. And just like it's almost impossible to screw up fried cheese, it's almost impossible to make fried vegetables any good. Devastated, I finished my breakfast and left. Afterwards, I just sort of wandered around aimlessly for a while. At one point, Bob Novak came driving down the street, and I thought about how easy it would be to just let him hit me and leave all this pain behind.

But from tragedy often comes triumph. I realized that just because one place missed the boat on this idea doesn't mean everyone has to. So I'm putting out the call. Someone out there reading this must own a restaurant. Someone must be looking for that one great hook that will put your restaurant on the map and bring the masses in. That will get your establishment spoken of in the same reverent tone reserved for places like Morton's or Ben's Chili Bowl. That will get Anthony Bourdain to visit, shake your hand, and call you a visionary. Well, this is it: mozzarella sticks for breakfast. It's an idea whose time has come. (Also, am I the only one disappointed by the lack of BBQ breakfast options? Why can't McDonald's serve a McRib Biscuit?)

I think I'm going to go running after work tonight. Somehow, I feel fatter just for having written this post.

Jason Taylor: Already making new friends

Apparently, someone at Redskins Park has been doing some Googling:

Come on. It's only his second day! Even in pro football, that can't be enough time for your new coworkers to want you to get an ass-kicking, can it?

Or do they just not like what they've seen our of Taylor so far?

I see...actual gainful employment in your future...

A fortuneteller is suing Montgomery County after he learned he would not be allowed to open a shop in Bethesda because the county bans the business of forecasting the future.

Attorneys for Nick Nefedro, previously of Key West, Fla., say county officials violated his First Amendment rights to free speech and discriminated against his "Roma," or Gypsy, culture when they refused to give him a business license. Montgomery code dating back to the early 1950s prohibits collecting cash for predicting the future. (The Examiner)

For the most part, I support the right of Americans to waste their money on anything they want. Unhealthy fast food that shaves years off our lives? Sure. Gas-guzzling SUVs? Why not? Comic books? Yup!

But fortunetellers and psychics have always rubbed me the wrong way. I recall reading an article several years ago about how it was fairly common for the elderly and uneducated to be scammed by these people by being strung along and told that they had to keep coming back for multiple sessions. Granted, psychiatrists and personal trainers run the exact same racket, but at least they're somewhat regulated, and the customer can tell whether or not he's actually seeing results.

My dislike for fortunetellers may also have something to do with the fact that when I first moved here as a kid, my family drove around exploring the area one afternoon, and I must have seen five or six of those big signs with the palm on them in people's yards. And that's when I began to suspect that all the talk about how smart and educated people in D.C. were was mostly just hype, because in any truly intelligent community, one fortuneteller should find it impossible to make a living, let alone half a dozen of them in relatively close proximity to one another. Even now, there are...what? Three or four fortunetellers operating within a half-mile radius in Georgetown, the most affluent, expensive area in the city? What does that tell you?

Now, in regards to these accusations of discrimination against Gypsies, I would suggest that if they want to celebrate their culture, no one's stopping them. Open a restaurant. Teach Gypsy dancing. Sell Gypsy clothing. Whatever, so long as it's legit.

But if they insist on telling fortunes, and insist that this is part of their heritage as opposed to just one big scam, prove it. Have Montgomery County come up with some sort of fortuneteller test. (I think there may have been one in Harry Potter they could crib from.) I'm not even saying it has to be a hard test. All I want is for them to just get one prediction right. One. That's it. And I mean a real prediction, not that vague crap they're so famous for. Something relatively specific like, "You will run into an old high school classmate next week," or "You will get a promotion at work." Surely, for people who claim to be able to see years into the future, one week shouldn't be too difficult. And if they pass, they get their fortunetelling license.

But here's the catch: if they take the test and fail, we then get to burn them at the stake or toss them into the Potomac to see if they float. Not to see if they're witches. By failing the test, they've already proven they're not. Just as punishment for insulting our intelligence.

Cha-cha-cha

All things being equal, if the Redskins had to sign someone from Dancing With the Stars, I'd rather they'd gone with either Julianne Hough or Drew Lachey. Neither one can probably pass rush worth a damn, but she's hot as hell, and it'd be fun watching him get his ass kicked every week.

But instead, they signed Jason Taylor. 33 year-old Jason Taylor who really doesn't want to be playing football. He's Willie "Mays" Hayes in Major League II. He'd rather be starring in an action movie with Jesse Ventura than out there on the field. Usually, when you sign a player Taylor's age, you can at least tell yourself that he's going to give it his all, because he's desperate to stay in the game. You think Taylor's going to risk his future in Hollywood? (And by "future in Hollywood," I mean a couple of straight-to-DVD action films, or maybe, if he's very lucky, being cast in a small role as a football player in a big budget film, like L.T. was in Any Given Sunday.)

Worse, the Washington Post's Sports department can't stop slurping Vinny Cerato for this awful, awful trade.

And before anyone compares acquiring Taylor to throwing money away on Deion Sanders, Bruce Smith or Brandon Lloyd, let's be clear: After watching Daniels go down and out for the season -- and maybe his career -- and after watching a backup like Buzbee crumple to the ground in agony, this was a move the Redskins needed to make. (Mike Wise)

Yes, the Redskins paid a significant price by surrendering second- and sixth-round draft picks. But Taylor is a former NFL defensive player of the year who still can rush the passer. This is a win-now league and he gives the Redskins a chance to do just that. He still can play. (Mark Maske)

Anyway, to me, this is a move the Skins had to make. You're talking about picking up dudes who can, most likely, barely play in the NFL, if at all, versus getting a future Hall of Famer and the premier sack guy in the league over the last 10 years. (Jason La Canfora)

Wipe your mouths, guys.

Now, no one is disputing the need for a replacement defensive end. Obviously, the Redskins needed to make a move. But there wasn't maybe a nice 23 year-old defensive end who we could have gotten for that second round draft pick? Or for a lesser draft pick plus, I dunno, Ladell Betts or Fred "Sleepyhead" Davis?

The only thing worse than the Taylor trade not working out is if does, and Dan Snyder's lust for over-the-hill players somehow becomes validated. Suppose the Redskins have a horrible season except for Taylor, and the team gets blown up next season. Who knows what we might be in for? Starting running back Shawn Alexander? Wide receiver Joe Horn? The triumphant return of Mark Brunell?

On the bright side, with Jason Taylor's moves, Eastern Motors now has the potential to make its best commercial ever. Because if there's one thing that song's been missing, it's DANCING!

Why So Serious?

Imagine watching a baseball game where it's the bottom of the ninth, and the pitcher has thrown a perfect game up until that point. And I don't mean "perfect" in the dumb baseball definition, where theoretically, every single batter could hit the ball, but so long as they don't ever get on base, the pitcher is still considered to be perfect. I mean an actual perfect game, where everyone has been struck out.

And then, in the bottom of the ninth, the batter hits a home run out of the park.

That's The Dark Knight. So tantalizingly close to complete perfection, but ultimately unable to close the deal. Worse, to take the baseball analogy further, it's because of an entirely unforced error. Spoilers follow.

The Good

- The Joker. We'll start with the obvious: Heath Ledger is fucking awesome. It's sort of become the trendy thing for people to say that he should get an Oscar nomination for his role here. And if we're being completely honest, the only reason they're saying that is because he's dead. But...Heath Ledger should get an Oscar nomination. There's nothing Anthony Hopkins did in Silence of the Lambs that Ledger didn't do just as well here.

- The Joker part 2. Despite being a fairly significant departure from the comics, the portrayal of the Joker was great. I was a bit nervous when it was revealed that this version would be wearing make-up, as opposed to his comic book origin, where he plunges into a vat of chemicals. But it worked. And I really liked the Joker constantly revising the story behind his scars. It's a nice callback to The Killing Joke, where he says he likes his past to be multiple choice.

- The Joker part 3. I'm amazed at the violence they got away with. Remember in Batman how Nicholson's Joker killed the guy with the joy buzzer, and everyone dug it? The disappearing pencil trick blows that away. And seeing it was a really cool experience, too. You would expect laughter or cheers after something like that. Instead, there was just this sort of stunned silence in the theater for a moment, almost as if we'd just really seen a guy get a pencil through the eye. Then the cheers started.

- The plot. As much as I liked Batman Begins, I was never entirely sold on the story. As a comic book story, it would have worked, but as a film, it seemed a bit hokey. Here, all of that has been done away with, and while it'd be a stretch to call the Joker's plan realistic, it's sufficiently more grounded.

- The Scarecrow cameo. In superhero films, whenever the hero fights a villain, it's almost always part of some big epic battle. I liked the touch of Batman just capturing the Scarecrow during the course of some random crime, and him not showing up again for the rest of the film.

- Killing Rachel. This would have been so much more satisfying if Katie Holmes was still playing the part, but the important thing is that the character is finally gone.

- The Watchmen trailer. This thing is going to rock. And I swear to God, the first person I hear accuse it of ripping off the first season finale of Heroes is going to get punched in the face.

- Pretty much everything else. If I were to list everything that makes this film awesome, it would officially be the world's longest blog post. So I'll just say pretty much everything else.

The Bad

- The cops. I liked how the Gotham City PD got so much screen time. But would it really have killed Nolan to use some of the more prominent characters from the comics? What's the point of creating a Detective Martinez when there's a perfectly good Detective Montoya in the comics? The cop who attacked the Joker in the interrogation room? That would have been perfect for Harvey Bullock. Come on! Throw us a bone, here!

- The Joker's plan with the ferries. It's great, but it also relies on a hell of a lot of conditions: If the city decided to evacuate the criminals on one of the ferries instead of taking care of everyone else first. If no one noticed the few dozen barrels of gas and the bomb attached to them before leaving port. If both detonators were discovered at approximately the same time. There's a difference between a complex, multi-layered plan and just hoping a series of wild coincidences happen to fall in your favor.

- Christian Bale's Batman voice still sucks.

- Where do they go from here? Introducing Two-Face now, rather than wait for the third film, was probably the right call. But what's left for the next film? The four most cinematically-friendly Batman villains have now been used, and Ledger's death makes it difficult to use the Joker again, as they'd have to find someone whose performance wouldn't pale by comparison. So who's left? Catwoman? The Penguin? Maybe, but I doubt Nolan wants to make Batman Returns 2. And from there, it's a pretty steep drop-off in terms of villains. I think their best bet is to take some relatively obscure villains like Deadshot or Killer Croc and totally reinvent them for the big screen.

The Ugly

- The cell phone sonar stuff. What the fuck was that about?

Every now and then, a comic book writer will confuse Batman with Reed Richards. Batman should not be constructing teleportation devices or analyzing alien technology. He's not supposed to be that smart. The film version of Batman is even more low-tech. He's a college drop-out who trained to be a detective and martial artist, not Steve Jobs. Lucius Fox gave him pretty much all of his gear in the first film. There's no way he should have been able to come up with something like this on his own.

The whole thing seems to have been thrown in there for three reasons. First, so Batman could locate the Joker. Second, so he could realize that the hostages were dressed up like clowns, and vice versa. Third, to give Morgan Freeman something to do in the third act. Every one of these could have been easily accomplished through other, far less absurd means. It probably would have cut a couple of million off the FX budget, too.

All in all, though, this is by far not just the best comic book movie ever made, but an amazing film in general. The Dark Knight is right up there with The Godfather Part II and Empire Strikes Back in terms of quality sequels, and an argument could be made that it actually surpasses both of them.

Panel of the Week

From Conan The Cimmerian #1:

The Top 10 Joker Stories of All Time

What makes a truly great Joker story?

It's a difficult question to answer, as the last few years have provided a veritable glut of Joker stories, many of which feature totally different takes on character. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, as there's more than one legitimate interpretation, but it makes it pretty clear which writers "get" the Joker and which don't.

Here's my main criteria for a great Joker story:

1) There's a difference, however subtle, between a Joker story and a Batman story featuring the Joker. To be a great Joker story, it has to fall into the former category. Dark Knight Returns, as enjoyable as it is, is a Batman story.

2) Something important has to happen. Not necessarily something earth-shattering along the lines of Robin being killed, but you have to come out of the story feeling as though this was a significant moment in the Joker's career.

3) It has to be grounded in some semblance of reality. The Joker is a villain. He is not a supervillain, except in the loosest sense of the word. And while it's fun to see him occasionally take on Superman or hang out with the Secret Society or whatever, at the end of the day, the Joker is just a man. The craziest, most dangerous man in the world maybe, but still a man. Which is why stuff like Emperor Joker ultimately doesn't work, as far as I'm concerned.

With that in mind, here's what I consider to be the ten best Joker stories ever told.

10. "The Clown At Midnight"
by Grant Morrison & John Van Fleet
Batman #663

Plot: Is it possible for the Joker to go even crazier? It turns out, yes, as he begins one of his periodic metamorphoses of personality inside Arkham Asylum, this one making him even deadlier than before.

Why It's Great: I can't recall a comic in recent memory that caused such a schism amongst readers as this did. People seemed to think it was either genius or crap, with very little middle ground. I came down squarely on the genius side. It's probably one of the most ambitious comics in recent memory, a mostly-prose piece that accomplished what Morrison's Arkham Asylum seemed to want to do, which is get inside the Joker's head and show readers exactly what goes on in there. While admittedly, the prose is a bit overdone in places, and the artwork a distraction, this really is an excellent story.

The Quotable Joker: "They all used to ask me, 'What makes the Joker laugh?' and I'd point to YOU. We'd all laugh at you and your stupid bat-toys behind your back."

9. Untitled
by Bill Finger, Bob Kane & Jerry Robinson
Batman #1

Plot: In his first appearance, the Joker goes on a robbery and murder spree across Gotham.

Why It's Great: It's really impressive how fully-formed the Joker is from the very start. All the major character beats are there (personality, costume, Joker venom, etc.), and even though comic books were ostensibly for kids back then, it's pretty clear that the Joker's creators intended for him to be one scary-ass character. And even though the Joker's origin has been retold and modernized numerous times, this story holds up amazingly well almost 70 years later, unlike a lot of other comics from that period.

The Quotable Joker: "If the police expect to play against the Joker, they had best be prepared to be dealt from the bottom of the deck."

8. "The Laughing Fish"
by Steve Englehart & Marshall Rodgers
Detective Comics #475-476

Plot: The Joker demands that the Gotham City Copyright Office grant him a trademark on his "Joker-Fish," so he'll get a cut of every fish sale in the world. When he doesn't get his way, he begins murdering government bureaucrats until he does.

Why It's Great: The plot's as corny as anything that ever appeared on the old Batman TV show, and yet Englehart manages to make it work. In a lot of ways, this was the prototypical modern-day Joker story: Part absurd, part serious, and able to swing back and forth between the two without missing a beat.

The Quotable Joker: "But--what if everybody stops eating fish? I hadn't thought of that! What if they all conspire against me--leave my Joker-Fish in the sea? But no--that would never work! The vegetarians wouldn't go along!"

7. The Devil's Advocate
by Chuck Dixon & Graham Nolan

Plot: After years of skating by on the insanity defense, the Joker finally stands trial for a series of murders, and is given the death penalty. Unfortunately, Batman suspects he might actually be innocent this time.

Why It's Great: The criminal justice system in the DCU isn't something you can really dwell on too much. You read some of those old Batman or Superman comics, and it's bizarre how many times supervillains get released on parole. Really? The guy who's robbed a dozen banks, killed a few people, and joined a bunch of other villains in an attempt to take over the world, now claims he's sorry and is getting parole? Even in a hippie state like Massachusetts, that wouldn't fly.

Similarly, you can't really put too much thought into why the Joker, whose body count has to be in quadruple digits by now, keeps getting sent back to Arkham Asylum, when everyone knows he'll just escape again. So it's interesting to see at least an attempt at realism here. Plus, there are some great Joker moments, especially his unpredictable reaction to getting the death penalty.

The Quotable Joker: "So you're here to get me off. No double entendres, please."

6. "Soft Targets"
by Ed Brubaker, Greg Rucka, & Michael Lark
Gotham Central #12-15

Plot: Gotham comes under siege by a sniper who turns out to be...well, you know. As Batman and the Gotham City cops try and bring him down, the Joker makes their job easier by turning himself in. And that's when his plan really gets started.

Why It's Great: As far as Joker stories go, what makes this even more impressive is that he doesn't really even show up until it's about 3/4 of the way over. But everything leading up to that is gold, as we see how the Gotham City PD and the general public react to a Joker rampage. Even after he's been arrested and is seemingly disarmed, he delivers a chilling reminder of how dangerous he is. In terms of art, Lark really outdoes himself, as his sequence where the Joker steps out of the snowy night right up to police headquarters, is one of the creepiest I've ever seen.

The Quotable Joker: "An iced tea would be fantastic. I don't know about you, but I've always found police brutality really makes you thirsty. Who can say why?"

5. "Dying Is Easy, Comedy Is Hard"
by Edward Bryant & Dan Simmons
The Further Adventures of the Joker

Plot: Offended at the idea that anyone other than himself could possibly be considered the funniest person in Gotham, the Joker starts killing off stand-up comedians while they're on stage.

Why It's Great: I'm sort of cheating here, as this isn't a comic, but a story that appeared in a prose collection that came out around the first Batman film. But hey, it's my list. And in a book full of great Joker stories ("Definite Therapy" by F. Paul Wilson honestly gave me nightmares as a kid), this one was my favorite. It has everything you could possibly want from a Joker story, aside from art. But the real selling point? Batman going undercover as a stand-up comic. It just doesn't get much better than that.

The Quotable Joker: "Let us cut right to the heart of the matter, figuratively now, later perhaps literally."

4. "Wildcard!"
by Marv Wolfman & Jim Aparo
Batman #450-451

Plot: Badly shaken after his near-fatal shooting at the end of "A Death in the Family," the Joker is shocked when an impostor turns up, committing crimes in his name, forcing him to come out of hiding before he's ready to.

Why It's Great: One of the more unfortunate trends over the past decade or so is how writers now treat Batman less like a human being, and more like an unstoppable force of nature. Some of this has apparently also spilled over to the Joker. Yes, he's a scary psychopath. But he's still just a human being.

That's why this story is maybe even more refreshing now than it was when it was first published almost 20 years ago. Why wouldn't the Joker, as crazy as he is, be subject to the same confidence problems as everyone else?

The Quotable Joker: "You're more pinstripe than pinhead. Brooks Brothers than Ringling."

3. "A Death in the Family"
By Jim Starlin & Jim Aparo
Batman #426-429

Plot: The Joker (with an assist from the readers) manages to do what no other villain had: kill Robin.

Why It's Great: If any one of the following things happened in a Joker story, it would probably be enough to make this list. The fact that all three of them do, is nothing short of awesome. First, the Joker beats Robin nearly to death with a crowbar, and then finishes the job by blowing him to kingdom come. Second, he meets the Ayatollah Khomeini and becomes the Iranian ambassador to the UN. Third, the whole thing is capped by one of the better climaxes of any Joker story ever.

And while the gimmick of allowing readers to decide Robin's fate via telephone vote remains one of the hokiest ideas in the history of the industry, for once, the fans got it right. This story wouldn't be nearly as well-regarded if Robin had actually survived. The fact that twenty years later, real-life supervillain Dan Didio would undo this great story by unwisely returning Robin to life, doesn't negate its impact.

The Quotable Joker: "Prepare yourself for a severe spanking, young man. But let me tell you right from the start...this is going to hurt you a lot more than it does me."

2. "The Joker's Five-Way Revenge "
by Denny O'Neil & Neal Adams
Batman #251

Plot: The Joker suspects one of his old henchmen sold him out to the cops. Rather than find out which one, he figures he'll just play it safe and kill them all.

Why It's Great: Aside from being a perfect story in general, I don't think any artist has ever done a more frightening-looking Joker than Adams. It's also notable for being the first Joker story to dispose of the campy elements of the 60s, and return the character to his roots as a homicidal maniac.

This story also features two of my all-time favorite Joker moments: First, as an exhausted Batman investigates one of the Joker's henchman's apartments, the Joker steps out of the shadows, sucker punches Batman, knocking him out, and could easily finish him off. Then he realizes that would be a hollow victory, and leaves. The other is at the end of the story, when a furious Batman is chasing after him. Admitting that one would have to be stupid (as opposed to crazy) to take on a pissed-off Batman, the Joker flees instead of even trying to put up a fight.

The Quotable Joker: "No! Without the game that the Batman and I have played for so many years, winning is nothing! He shall live...until I can destroy him properly!"

1. The Killing Joke
by Alan Moore & Brian Bolland

Plot: The Joker's origin is told via flashback, while in the present, he goes on a rampage of terror unlike anything seen in a Batman comic at that point.

Why It's Great: Yes, putting this at number one is about as predictable as you can get. But there's really no denying that this is where it belongs.

Undoubtedly the most important Joker story ever told, the "Suggested For Mature Readers" label allowed Moore to get away with murder. Well, attempted murder, anyway, as the Joker cripples Batgirl and mercilessly tortures Commissioner Gordon. More importantly, it's the definitive examination of their relationship, from the beginning of the story, when Batman goes to meet with him in an attempt to get them off the collision course they've found themselves, to the end where, in a moment of lucidity, the Joker refuses Batman's offer of rehabilitation. And if Adams drew the most frightening Joker ever, Bolland drew the perfect, most expressive Joker ever, and is probably considered by many to be the definitive artistic take on the character.

The Quotable Joker: "You had a bad day once, am I right? I know I am. You had a bad day and everything changed. Why else would you dress up like a flying rat?"

Where does he get those wonderful toys?

For whatever reason, as big a comic book geek as I am, I've never jumped aboard the whole action figure/statue bandwagon. I'm not saying I dislike them or anything. I can definitely appreciate them as both works of art and fun toys, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't flip through the new issue of Toyfare when I'm at Borders, just to stay up to date on what's coming out. I've just never really had any urge to actually own them. (I'm equally mystified by the appeal of bobbleheads, which, as far as I can tell, are action figures for people who would be horrified at the idea of owning action figures.)

Except that for whatever reason, I've decided that I must have one of these:

Supposedly, these were pulled off the shelves not long after being released, because Mattel or WB or someone worried that the figure's resemblance to Heath Ledger was too uncomfortable, and they've since replaced it with a less creepy version.

Naturally, the Ebay market has exploded, with most of the figures selling for about $30-$50 each. Which, while not a lot, is still more than I can spend on a toy and be able to look at myself in the mirror. It's not just the cost, either. It's knowing that I actually rewarded one of those greasy little Ebay scavengers that would really hurt.

So the question now is whether this is just a passing fancy that will fade a couple of weeks from now, or something I'll be kicking myself for not springing on now, as opposed to a couple of years from now, when they're going for a couple hundred each.

I get the feeling I'm going to be spending a lot of time on Ebay over the next couple of days. Hating myself the whole time.

Comic Riffs

Finally. On a site overloaded with blogs about pointless crap like politics and terrorism and professional hockey, the Washington Post launches a blog about something that actually matters:

For Schulz, the Pulitzer might as well have been the eternally elusive Little Red-Haired Girl. But he was confident of one acknowledgment: Millions and millions of people who vote with their eyes take comics extremely seriously.

Which is precisely why today, we are launching this daily comics blog. Because from the funny pages to "Wall*E" and Batman at the cineplex to graphic novels to this month's San Diego Comic-Con, we take cartooning in its many forms seriously. (Comic Riffs)

It'll be interesting to see how this develops, and I think its ultimate success or failure will depend a lot on how critical Michael Cavna is willing to be about the strips that the Post runs. But so far, I'm encouraged. I especially loved the Mark Trail anecdote, and as a result, I'm officially backing off my stance that the Post should drop it. No doubt, this comes as great relief to all the loyal Mark Trail readers in D.C. All ten of them.

Speaking of comics and the Post, there was a really good article in yesterday's paper about why the Joker is more fascinating than Batman. To be honest, when I saw the article advertised in Friday's Express, I mentally penciled in a blog entry for today where I'd rip it to shreds, because it seems as though whenever an outlet like the Post tries to discuss comic books in a serious manner, they not only fail, but fail in an epic way.

But between the gorgeous half-page Brian Bolland art from The Killing Joke and distinct lack of a headline along the lines of, "Pow! Bang! Zap! The Joker's At It Again!", it's surprisingly well done. Anyone looking to get jazzed for The Dark Knight (not that you should really need anything to get you jazzed for The Dark Knight, of course) should check it out.

Panel of the Week

From Booster Gold #1,000,000:

Do it, Danny. You know you want to.

As much as I like Brett Favre, there's no denying that his rumored desire to come out of retirement is sort of a dick move. It puts the Packers in an uncomfortable situation, it puts the fans in an uncomfortable situation, and it puts Aaron Rodgers in a really uncomfortable situation. (And considering that from the draft on, his entire NFL career has basically been one long uncomfortable situation, that's saying something.) Ultimately, I think he'll stay retired, but if he does come back, it won't be with the Packers. Which presents Washington with a golden opportunity.

I want Dan Snyder to sign Brett Favre.

The Dan Snyder of eight years ago would jump at the idea. Dan Snyder 2000 would have offered Favre a gajillion dollar contract to play for the Redskins. Gajillion isn't even a real number, but Dan Snyder 2000 would still have find a way, even if he had to cut the entire defense, using the questionable logic that if you have Brett Favre as quarterback, you don't really need a defense. Dan Snyder 2000 would have sent Redskins One to pick up Favre, his family, and all their belongings, and bring them to D.C., at which point he would have the Greatest Press Conference In NFL history. Dan Snyder 2000 would have built a weather machine like on General Hospital to make it snow over FedEx Field every week, just so Favre would feel at home. In short, there is nothing Dan Snyder 2000 wouldn't have done to sign Brett Favre.

Unfortunately, Dan Snyder 2008 seems to have learned his lesson about signing over-the-hill veterans like Deion Sanders, Mark Carrier, and (shudder) Jeff George. And to be fair, there's really no good reason to get Favre. He would cost a lot of money, Jason Campbell is doing great, and we still have Todd Collins.

No good reason except for one: I really, really, really want a Brett Favre Redskins jersey.

Short of world peace and my recurring fantasy where I meet an elderly widow who offers me her dead husband's comic book collection, not realizing that it contains hundreds of priceless old comics in mint condition, I can't think of anything I want more than a Brett Favre Redskins jersey.

Yeah, I could get one custom made, but aside from the geniuses who ordered Ron Mexico Falcons jerseys before the NFL banned them, has there ever been anyone cool who ordered a custom NFL jersey? No, it has to be the real thing. Even if Favre didn't play that much (or at all), it would get added to my rotation of Redskins jerseys I wear every Sunday during football season, along with my Portis, Cooley, and Landry jerseys. (You know, you never really realize how big of a dork you are until you actually find yourself typing out the words "rotation of Redskins jerseys I wear.")

Some might say that signing a player, especially one of Favre's stature, just so one fan could live his dream of owning a jersey with his name on it, could be seen as a waste. But come on. When else are the Redskins going to get a chance like this? How many living legends like Favre are out there? Actually, now that I think about it, if I were Snyder, I would sign all of the game's major superstars to one game contracts after they retire, just so I could slap their name on a Redskins jersey forever. In fact, the only thing that might make me happier than a Brett Favre Redskins jersey is a Joe Montana Redskins jersey.

Come on, Snyder. For once, use whatever superpowers you posses that allow you to squeeze money out of every possible revenue stream imaginable (and some unimaginable) for good instead of evil and get this done. Do it for Brett. Do it for the Redskins. But most of all, do it for me.

Passive vs. Active Aggression on the Metro

Over the past two weeks, I've seen two women request seats on two Metro trains in two very different ways.

The first woman, literally as she set foot on the train, started loudly demanding that someone stand up and give her a seat. You couldn't really even make out what she was saying. It was something like, "Blarg, blarg, blarg, someone...blarg...seat...blarg...I need...blarg." But because she was older and was walking with a cane, it worked. These two young women who were in the handicapped seats couldn't get up fast enough. As she sat, the woman said, "One of you can stay," but the two girls seemed to want to put as much space between them and her as possible. I didn't really blame them.

The second woman was also older, but apparently in perfect health. Unlike the first woman, she didn't say a word. She boarded the train, looked around for an empty seat, and not finding one, walked over to where this young guy was sitting, and glared down at him. He, like a lot of Metro riders, was completely engrossed in his book and iPod, and didn't notice. So she stood there for a good two minutes, just staring at him, waiting for him to stand up. And finally he did stand up, but only because it was his stop. The woman muttered a sarcastic, "Thank you," which the guy didn't even register because he had his headphones in.

I've given it some thought, and while neither one will win the Miss Congeniality award, I've decided that I respect the first woman a lot more. Yes, she was rude, and I suspect she has whatever mental problem is common among people who think it's perfectly fine to start shouting in public, but at least she made her desire known. Over the years, I've seen lots of people on the Metro who, even if they're not glaring at someone whose seat they want, will just hover passive-aggressively until that person realizes that there's someone who's elderly/handicapped/pregnant standing next to them, and, sometimes a bit flustered, will jump up and say something like, "Oh, I'm sorry! Please, sit down!"

On which I call bullshit. I have no problem whatsoever giving up my seat, but I don't think anyone has an obligation to keep their eye out for someone who might need it. Even if they're sitting in the handicapped seats. Would it be nice if they did? Sure. But if they happen to be not paying attention for whatever reason, and you need to sit down, just fucking ask them to stand up. There's a 99% chance they will. If they happen to be the 1% that are just complete dicks, someone else will, and you get the added benefit of watching everyone in the general vicinity turn on the person who's acting like a complete dick. But unless you have a medical reason why you can't speak, there's really no reason why you can't just ask someone to move.

Also, on a somewhat related topic, there's this guy on my bus who has an almost pathological need to offer his seat to women. Not just older or handicapped ones, either. Young, old, attractive, unattractive, whatever. I've seen him get up from the back of the bus and walk all the way to the front to let a standing woman know a seat is available. I object to this behavior on two levels. First and foremost, I suspect he's just trying to impress women. And while I can't fault him for that, his approach seems a bit needy. Second, I think it sets a really bad precedent. I hate standing on the bus. The last thing I want is for the women on my route, some of whom are younger and in better shape than I am, to get used to this sort of treatment. If this keeps up, I may have to circulate a memo to the other guys who ride my bus regularly, suggesting that we take him aside one day and beat the chivalry out of him. Maybe with a couple of broken legs, he won't be quite so eager to offer up his seat.

Panel of the Week

From The Boys #20:

Oh, Express...Goonies 2?

For the past several months, I've been working on an essay about the importance of Independence Day and what it means to be an American. Hours upon hours of hard work have gone into it. A few days ago, after a mad weeklong bender where I was running on nothing but cigarettes, Red Bull, and patriotism, I finally finished it. Almost everyone who's read it has literally broken down into tears, and that includes, I'm told, Osama bin Laden, who somehow got his hands on it. One copy found its way into the hands of a prominent New York newspaper editor who offered me a considerable sum to publish it on his paper's front page this week. But I said no, because I want it to be free for Americans and non-Americans alike to read and reflect on and share with others. After all, as the great Nelson Mandela said when he called to congratulate me a few days ago, this essay really could be the first step towards world peace.

I was going to post it today. But now something far, far more important has come up that needs to be addressed, which I guess means I have to put off publishing it until next year. So...sorry about that. (Yes, I could post it tomorrow on the actual Fourth of July, but tomorrow's Friday, and I'm really having a lot of fun doing my new Friday Panel of the Week post, so that wouldn't work.)

Anyway, I was reading The Express coming in this morning, and there was an article about the "Totally Awesome 2" 80s film festival that the AFI is doing, showing films like Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club, Flashdance, and the best film of them all (and by "all," I naturally don't just mean of the 80s, but of all time), The Goonies. And the article was accompanied by this photo and unfortunate caption:

"No Goonies 2"? What?!?

Ridiculous. Yeah, go catch Goonies 2, kids. It's playing downtown as part of a triple-feature along with Fast Times at Ridgemont High 2 and Ferris Bueller's Day Off 2.

I mean, I know times are tough at the Post, but come on. No one with a little pop culture knowledge was around to point out that there is no such thing as Goonies 2? If we were ranking the biggest journalistic blunders in history, I think the list would now go something like this:

1) "Dewey Defeats Truman"
2) The media not questioning the rush to war in Iraq
3) "...there would have been no Goonies 2"

Now, the especially nerdy among you might be saying, "Aha! But Scotus, there was a Goonies 2! It was a subpar video game for the NES that came out in 1987!"

Get out of here with that nonsense. First, video games can't be considered sequels to films, I don't care what they call themselves. Second, I'm going to need a signed affidavit and a passed lie detector test before I believe that's what the author of that caption intended. (Though, in fairness, I have been impressed by the Express's geek cred before, so I guess it's not entirely outside the realm of possibility.)

You know, those of us who grew up in the 80s got royally screwed in a lot of ways. We missed out on the sex, drugs, and rock and roll of the 70s. We missed out on world peace and the Internet revolution of the 90s. And of course, today's kids, with their iPods and Xboxes and Wikipedia are pretty much the luckiest generation ever. You know what we had in the 80s? The threat of AIDS, the constant fear of being nuked by Russia, and Nancy Reagan telling us to just say no.

The only thing...the only thing...the 80s excelled at was pop culture. The video game revolution, MTV, some really great toys, and a lot of kick-ass movies. Sure, 80s movies lacked the thought-provoking sociopolitical commentary of films from the 70s, or the post-modern sophistication of 90s independent films. But it didn't matter. You know what mattered to us? Whether or not the Goonies would find One-Eyed Willie's treasure and save their home. That's what mattered.

So really, while the Goonies 2 mistake might well be insignificant in the grand scheme of things--and I'm not actually admitting it is, I'm just saying, you know, compared to things like war and poverty and stuff--I sort of see the carelessness involved in it as a slap in the face of what many (rightly) consider to really be The Greatest Generation.

I don't think a correction on the front page of Monday's Express would be at all inappropriate.

Three Terrific Tales of Tucker, Tits, & Tree

Out around the White House yesterday on my lunch break, I saw three things that, taken individually, wouldn't be that odd (well, except for the last one). But coming one after another in rapid succession, made for an interesting walk.

1) There was a guy walking in front of me who I was about 90% certain was Tucker Carlson. His face and hair looked rather Tuckerish, and he was wearing a white suit, purple shirt, and yellow bow tie. Now, I've seen plenty of members of the media walking around D.C. over the years, David Gregory, Chris Matthews, Helen Thompson, and Larry King, among them. Some I like, some I don't like, and most I really don't care about one way or the other. But never before have I ever felt the urge to just go up and punch one of them.

Until yesterday. Because I fucking can't stand Tucker Carlson.

Not that I'd ever really assault Tucker Carlson, of course, but as the guy walked ahead of me, my mind wandered. I found myself thinking, suppose for the sake of argument that I was going to beat up Tucker Carlson right then and there. How would I do it? Would I just run up and kick him in the back of the head and run off? Would I shout, "Hey, Tucker!" and then sucker punch him when he turned around? Or would I behave like a gentleman, and formally challenge him to a bout of fisticuffs?

Eventually, the whole internal discussion proved moot as I decided that it wasn't Tucker after all. But that was worse in a way, as it meant that between his hairstyle and clothes, some guy was actually trying to emulate Tucker Carlson's style. Tell me that's not someone who deserves to be attacked on the street.

2) At the intersection of 17th and H, a very attractive woman wearing a very small sports bra and very small running shorts was waiting across the street from me for the light to turn green. Not a lot of women can pull that look off, but she did. She, uh...really did.

And you know how joggers will run in place while waiting to cross the street in order to stay loose and keep their circulation going? She sort of did that, except instead of running in place, she just kind of...bounced. Up and down. For about 30 seconds. And the sports bra really wasn't doing its job. There were about twenty guys at that intersection. Have you ever seen twenty guys trying really hard not to just openly stare at something, and failing miserably at it? It's pretty funny.

3) In Lafayette Park, two young, professional-looking women were standing by a tree. One of threw a small stuffed animal at the tree. The other then picked it up and also threw it at the tree. This went on for a couple of minutes, and they were laughing hysterically the whole time.

I'm more than a little upset that I'm going to die never knowing the story behind that.

Dating for D.C. Dummies

No complaints about this week's Date Lab couple. Both seem like perfectly nice Washingtonians, and I hope they fall in love, breed successfully, and live happily ever after.

There is one thing that jumped out at me, though. From the woman's background info:

Your dating history as a TV show: Girl dates wrong guy over and over, hits her 30s, wants to move on with her life, but the normal guys are already married. "Helloooo, my eggs have a shelf life here!"

Then there were these comments, regarding her date:

Everything was great on paper, but I didn't feel that attraction.
...
This is an easygoing guy who can talk to anybody. I really wish I really liked him [romantically].
...
This guy is great, but you can't make that spark happen.

Indeed. So the date ended as virtually all Date Lab dates do, not with a bang, but a whimper. But then at the end, there's this:

A couple days later, Carolyn called Date Lab to say: "The more I think about it, the more great I think Van is ... I'm definitely going to try to date him. Cross your fingers for us."

This complete turnabout intrigues me. So basically, instead of going through all this dating bullshit now, I can just wait it out until most of the guys my age are taken (or emotionally and financially crippled due to divorce), and then find a woman who will go out with me, even though she's not attracted to me and doesn't feel any sort of spark? Awesome.

I can't wait 'til I hit my mid-30s. I'll be a life preserver in the sea of loneliness.