Final Crisis #1

"Can't we murderers, madmen, and masterminds work in harmony just this once, to achieve something none of us have before?" - Libra

Great line, huh? And what about that sweet cover? Hal Jordan never looked so good.

Thus begins Final Crisis by Grant Morrison and J.G. Jones, which fairly or unfairly, has pretty much been hyped as the biggest comic book event ever. Granted, every comic book event is hyped as pretty much the biggest comic book event ever, but this time DC seems really seems to mean it.

Unfortunately, that nifty cover and bit of dialogue is about as good as it gets.

Spoilers below, just as soon as Vandal Savage discusses his dietary habits.

Based on this issue, Final Crisis would seem to have all the makings of an epic. The world is in danger, villains are conspiring, Darkseid shows up, and just so we know they're really serious, they kill off the Martian Manhunter. The Martian Manhunter! For real! Forever! (Okay, probably not, but let's pretend.) Plus, it's written by Grant Morrison, the best writer working in comics.

So it's genius, right? As befits the biggest comic book event ever?

Well, no, not especially.

To begin with, it's boring. Deathly boring. A large part of the story requires you to be a fan of the New Gods. I'm not. And given how many times DC has tried to relaunch a New Gods series and failed, I'm guessing the majority of readers aren't, either. However, given that Morrison worships at the alter of Jack Kirby more than almost anybody, it's hardly surprising that they'd play a big role here.

Second, Final Crisis requires you to have a more or less complete knowledge of everything that's gone on in the DCU over the past year or so. I sort of do, and even I was lost for parts of the issue. Granted, this isn't a story that's going to appeal to new readers, but it shouldn't be quite so insular, either. One of the reasons why Crisis on Infinite Earths worked so well was because it was complex, yet also accessible. I was a kid just getting into comics when it came out, and I had no trouble whatsoever following along. Here, it seems like you need a PhD in DC Comics.

Finally, the scenes with the villains felt oddly flat. Maybe it's because DC has gone to this particular well multiple times over the past couple of years, but it didn't seem nearly as cool as it should have. Especially since DC did the "mysterious guy shows up and promises other villains the world" bit just ten years ago with Underworld Unleashed.

Of course, the one thing that makes this villian get together stand out more than other recent ones have, is the somewhat undignified death of a major character like the Martian Manhunter. Getting captured off-panel and then unceremoniously skewered from behind is something you'd expect to happen to Guy Gardner, not a founding member of the Justice League. Still, it was a bit of a shock, and it'll be really cheap if/when they find a way to undo it.

So all in all, sort of an underwhelming start. I'm hopeful that things will pick up over the next couple of issues, but I'm not holding my breath.

On the plus side, at least the mystery as to where the JLA's headquarters is in D.C., has finally been answered (sort of):

We can see the Washington Monument in the background, so it's apparently on the Mall. And look how nice everything is. This ought to shut up all those people who claim that the Mall is ugly and needs to be completely renovated. And I'm sure the JLA is perfectly cool with tourists stopping in to use the restrooms. So that's one problem taken care of.

Maybe the stupidest idea in the history of comics

"DCU: Decisions" - a four-issue miniseries that intends to reveal the political orientations of your favorite DC Comics characters.
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The story will be co-written by "right-winger" Bill Willingham ("Fables," "Shadowpact") and "lefty liberal" Judd Winnick ("Green Arrow," "The Trials of Shazam"), each taking a turn from issue to issue, and will be illustrated by Stephane Roux. The first issue will be released to readers in September, before the actual US presidential election in November. (Comic Book Resources)

Just when I think the comic book industry can't possibly disappoint me any further, something like this comes along.

This is what DC has been reduced to? Publishing mini-series about its characters' political viewpoints? Sweet Christmas, this makes Frank Miller's perpetually upcoming "Batman hunts down Osama bin Laden" mini-series sound like a brilliant concept by comparison.

But sure, I'll play along. Some party affiliations you can already figure out pretty easily. Batman? Democrat. Wonder Woman? Republican. Superman...eh, tough call, so I'll say Independent, though leans conservative. He'd vote for McCain over Obama.

See? That took maybe ten seconds, and the subject is already exhausted. Unless, as the article posits, you really care about who C-list characters like Zatanna voted for. So how DC intends to fill four issues with this drivel, is beyond me.

That's not to say that mixing comics and politics can't be done. Alex Ross's Uncle Sam, Ed Brubaker's Prez: Smells Like Teen President, and Warren Ellis's Transmetropolitan, all published by Vertigo, are masterpieces, as is Eagle: The Making of an Asian American President by Kaiji Kawaguchi. But with just a handful of exceptions (The Authority, Suicide Squad, etc.), thrusting superheroes into politics is just a bad idea. Especially if it's being written by Judd Winnick, quite possibly the least subtle writer in the field when it comes to this sort of thing. Brace for a Keith Olbermann-level drubbing of liberal talking points.

So, what we've done is, we've got four characters still in the race at the time of this story: two conservatives and two liberals. We have our moderate conservative, our ultra-conservative, our moderate liberal, and our "wacko" left-wing liberal. So we have our two extreme candidates and our two moderate candidates.

Between those four candidates, the different characters we're bringing into this are going to align themselves with one of the four. And it starts off with this threat on one of the candidates' lives, where our heroes need to get in there and protect them. And what starts out as close protection turns into average citizens, the media, etc. looking at characters like Green Arrow and asking, "Why are you hanging out with this presidential candidate?"

The one thing DC could have done to actually make this sort of interesting and relevant, would have been to use the real nominees. It's not like this would have been unprecedented. Back before Lex Luthor was elected president (yes, non-comic book readers, that was an actual storyline. Not a half-bad one, either), it was DC's policy to use whoever was president in real life as the president in the DCU. Off the top of my head, I can't think of a single Clinton appearance, but throughout the 80s and early 90s, Reagan and the first Bush would pop up all the time. (In the DCU, John Hinckley was the least of Reagan's problems. He was constantly having to be saved from aliens, supervillains, and run-of-the-mill nutjobs.)

But, no. Instead, we get four stock politician characters, presumably because actually using Obama, McCain, Hillary, Nader, or whoever, might cause some controversy. Which is really fucking short-sighted, because controversy equals media exposure, and if there's something the comic book industry could actually use these days, it's media exposure. The last time it got any press was when Captain America was killed (or "killed," I guess, would be the more appropriate way of putting it, since he's bound to come back eventually), and that blew over pretty quickly.

Even the way the candidates are described sounds lame. I'm going to go out on a limb and predict that by the end of the story, the "ultra-conservative" (which actually wouldn't make a bad supervillain name, now that I think about it) and the "wacko left-wing liberal" will be exposed as destructive forces, while the moderates are the ones who will prevail. And at least one superhero (almost certainly Green Arrow, who is by far the most liberal character in comics) will come to question his own views, and develop respect for the other side's. Even if it doesn't play out quite that predictably, you can bet that it'll still be pretty hack.

Sigh. Why didn't I start collecting baseball cards instead of comics when I was a kid? Or in the very least, read Marvel instead of DC?

Ah, well. Tomorrow, because nothing shows contempt for a blog's readers than blogging about something very few of them actually care about, I'm going to keep the comic book train going with my review of Final Crisis #1, the kick-off of DC's major summer event. Based on the obscene amount of hype it's received, I have all the faith in the world that it'll totally blow me away, remove the bad taste in my mouth caused by DCU: Decisions, and make me super jazzed about comics all over again! Yay!

(No, just kidding. I've read it already. It didn't do any of that. It's going to be a long summer.)

Nobody likes you when you're 23

So said the boy philosophers in Blink-182. And if nobody likes you when you're 23, they downright despise you when you're 22.

Every year about this time, lots of people have advice for the millions of college grads entering the workforce. For the most part, this advice is just stupid stuff like, "Buy at least two nice suits," or "Set goals for yourself," or "Seek a mentor." All well and good, but the job advice new grads really need is how not to annoy the people already working at their new office.

To be honest with you (I'm now speaking directly to you, the grad), you're probably going to piss someone off no matter what, through no real fault of your own. Every job has at least one or two misanthropes to whom you'll inadvertently say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing or just look at funny, and they'll hate you for it forever. But by following these simple guidelines, you can minimize your disruptive arrival on any office environment:

- Don't be so excited about being issued a BlackBerry. It's a tool of oppression, you idiot, not an iPhone. It's a way for The Man to keep you working for him 24/7, not an indication of the esteem he has for you. And stop whipping it out to check it every two minutes. You look ridiculous.

- You get to tell a limited number of stories that start with, "Back in college, I..." before it gets tiresome. I know it's all you've known for the past four (or these days, five or six) years, but we all went to college. We all have stories. Live in the now.

- Enjoy these first few weeks, because no one really expects you to know how to do anything. Frankly, there's no need to even bother exerting yourself. Just relax. If someone is actually stupid enough to entrust you with something important and you fuck it up, it's their fault, not yours. No one ever saved his job by blaming the new kid. But at the same time, don't make a big show of not exerting yourself. Nothing inspires hated more than seeing a new hire doing nothing but updating his Facebook page or watching YouTube, while we're busting our asses. Well, pretending to bust our asses, anyway.

- Be very careful about what work-related stuff you choose to complain about, because most of us have had to deal with the exact same shit to a far greater degree. If, during the course of the workday, a piano almost falls on you or an axe murderer chases you down the hall or something, feel free to bitch. Anything else, you'll probably just receive a blank stare.

- 30 is not "middle age." This is the sort of age-related comment I once overheard that you'll want to avoid. That is, unless the prospect of someone (and to be perfectly blunt, by "someone," I mean "other women in the office who are 28-35") jamming a pencil in your eye appeals to you.

- Exorcise the question "Why?" from your vocabulary. Like any tribe or society, each office has its own sets of laws and customs, some of which might not make much sense, if any. However, they've been in place forever, perhaps even before any of the people currently working in the office started. I know, I know, nothing ever changes if someone doesn't take a stand and point out why it should. But trust me, it's just not worth the headache.

- Don't call your parents while at work, and tell them not to call you unless it's an emergency. Nothing makes people lose respect for you faster than listening to you argue with your mom.

- It's up to you to adapt to the office noise environment, not the other way around. If it's a really chatty environment, don't ask people to be quiet. If it's a really quiet environment, don't be chatty.

- Finally, just don't be stupid. 99% of office etiquette breaches can be prevented if the offender simply takes two seconds beforehand and asks himself, "Will this piss people off?" If the answer is yes--and it almost always is--rethink it.

And with that, welcome to the workforce! Speaking on behalf of millions of other office drones, I look forward to getting to know you, and pushing off as much of my work as possible onto you just as soon as I can be certain you won't screw it up any more than I would if I actually did it myself.

Dating for D.C. Dummies

This week, the chimps who run Date Lab (not to be confused with the monkey who took over the column a few weeks ago) prove themselves to be either sadists or inept:

Jenn: When Greg arrived, my first reaction was, "Oh, he's white." I usually date Asian, Indian or black guys.

Greg: I normally like ethnic girls, but it didn't bother me that she was white.

There's no way the editors didn't know about these preferences from the detailed surveys Jenn and Greg filled out. So one of two conversations took place at Date Lab HQ:

"Hey, we have these two white applicants who say they normally only date people from other races."
"Interesting. Let's fuck with them a little."

or

"I can't remember, can 'Asian,' 'Indian,' 'black,' or 'ethnic' also mean 'white'?"
"Uh...yeah, I think so. Sure. Why not?"

I'm going to assume it's the former. Which really doesn't make a lot of sense, as the Date Lab success rate is low enough when they're actually trying to make a match. Intentionally sabotaging a date seems a bit foolish. Unless they're using the bizarre logic that when they try, they typically fail, so why not try not trying?

You know, now that I think about it, that sort of makes sense. It obviously didn't work here, but I suppose it was a noble experiment.

Anyway, onto the date.

Jenn: We ordered dinner, and right away he suggested we play Twenty Questions to guess what our occupations were. I was thinking, Do we really need to? But I figured he's a teacher, and I didn't want to be rude.

Honestly, if it were me, I probably would have gone ahead and been rude. Or in the very least, unenthusiastic. There's a time and a place for cutesy stuff like Twenty Questions, and the getting-to-know-you phase of a blind date isn't it. Unless they were playing Twenty Questions to figure out which STDs, if any, they had between them. Then it would have been a delightful way of getting past an awkward topic.

Jenn: About halfway through dinner, I realized we hadn't really taken any pictures [for Date Lab]. We had to fill up two cameras! One would have been fine.
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At first I was like, Oh, crap, this is going to be in the paper. Some of his ideas were dumb, like taking a picture of us getting held up at an ATM, but some were really funny. So we left the restaurant at around 10, and we took pictures of us reading Sex for Dummies at Books-A-Million and looking at condoms at CVS. After about a half- hour, I was thinking, Let's wrap this up.

Geez, she's really not into date this, is she? I mean, she sort of has a point. There's really no reason why Date Lab should require two cameras' worth of photos in order to find one picture to run along with the article. And a half-an-hour does seem a bit much. But still, if you're not going to head into an absurd situation like this with good humor, why even bother going?

Also, I liked Jenn's self-awareness in regards to, "Oh, crap, this is going to be in the paper." Based on the behavior we usually see in this column, that thought occurs to very, very few of the participants, and probably doesn't fully hit them until they're actually reading it and cringing at how badly they come off.

Oh, to be a fly on the wall of an office the Monday morning after a co-worker's Date Lab appearance runs...

Jenn: I'd give it a 3. He was really nice, and we laughed a lot. There just wasn't any chemistry. And I find myself very emotionally attracted to the guy I'm seeing. Maybe this will encourage him!

Boo! Is it really too much to ask that people who start dating someone between the time they apply to Date Lab, and the time the Post calls to say the date is on, withdraw? Is the combination of a free meal and potential for public embarrassment really that appealing? Also, I'm not sure what it says about their relationship that the guy she was seeing needed the threat of Date Lab of all things to motivate him to finally make a commitment.

Then again, maybe Date Lab has finally found its niche. Maybe instead of trying to make a love connection between two strangers (which it's proven to be very, very bad at), it can be a way for women in unfulfilling relationships to force their boyfriends to step up and commit. No man wants to open up the Washington Post Magazine and see his girlfriend on a date with another dude. He'd probably run right out and buy an engagement ring that very day.

So...hooray, Date Lab?

Ten reasons why "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" sucks ass

You know, there are people in college now who weren't alive when the last Indiana Jones film came out. That makes me feel old. It also makes me feel sorry for them, because their first experience seeing one on the big screen is the steaming pile of shit that is Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

A year ago, who would have predicted that the fourth Rambo film would be superior to the fourth Indy film? It would have been practically unthinkable. And yet, here we are.

And now, ten reasons why Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull sucks ass (spoilers ahead):

1) The opening sequence: Raiders of the Lost Ark had the iconic sequence with the idol and the boulder. Temple of Doom had the really exciting Japanese nightclub scene. Last Crusade had the "Indy origin story" with River Phoenix. Crystal Skull? Nothing even approaching any of them. It was just total by-the-numbers action fare.

Also, I'm usually willing to give these films a fair degree of latitude when it comes to Indy's whip and its magical ability to wrap and unwrap around things at will. But how the hell did it become long enough to reach from the ceiling of the warehouse down to the floor? I'm pretty sure they don't make hundred foot-long bullwhips.

2) The flying fridge: This is simply one of those love-it-or-hate-it gags. I hated it.

3) Natives, natives everywhere: What's up with all the various ethnic people hiding in holes until trespassers arrive? Indy and Mutt show up at the graveyard, and they get attacked by pygmies with blowguns. They go to the temple, and guards just emerge from holes in the ceiling. This seems somewhat implausible. Do they just hang out there all day? Don't they do anything for fun? I miss the old days when all the villains were either Nazis or cult members and everything made sense.

4) Old people suck: Throughout the film, everyone kept making a big deal about how old Indy was. In fact, I don't think ten minutes passed without some reference to his age. But did Harrison Ford really look that old? With a bit of hair dye, he could have passed for ten years younger. Which means they could have set this film back in the 40s, where the franchise belongs, and maybe squeezed another film or two out before people started referring to Indy as "gramps." Speaking of which...

5) Fucking Shia LaBeouf: Generally, I like LaBeouf, and I think he's a pretty good actor. But he wasn't right for this part. The non-stop greaser gags got old fast, especially that stupid comb. And it didn't help that when he first appears, he looks less like an action hero, and more like the biker from the Village People. At the end of the film, when he's about to put on Indy's hat, I came as close as I ever have in my life to shouting at the screen.

6) Marion: First, how many people named Marion do you know? I've never actually met one myself, and I've only even heard of three: Barry, Jones, and Barber. So when Mutt was telling Indy about his mom Marion who sent him to find Indy, how does he not know who he's talking about? The fucking audience isn't ever supposed to be smarter than Indiana Jones.

As for Marion, she was okay, I guess, but not nearly as much fun as she was in Raiders. And why was she grinning all the time? Was Karen Allen just happy to be employed again? Whatever. Until the very end, I was hoping Indy would ditch Marion, hook up with Irina, and convince her to renounce communism and maybe grow her hair out and dye it blonde.

7) Aliens: I'll buy the Ark of the Covenant. I'll buy magic stones. I'll buy the Holy Grail. You know what I won't buy, though? Aliens in an Indiana Jones film. (Which in a way is kind of ironic, as there's a much greater chance aliens exist in real life than any of the above.) Incorporating aliens into the franchise takes it too far away from its roots.

Supposedly, during the development process, George Lucas really wanted to do Indiana Jones and the Saucer Men from Mars. Spielberg and Ford vetoed that idea because it was too out there. So...how was this any better? There was a saucer. There were saucer men. Was "Mars" the offensive part?

8) Monkey see, monkey do: When Mutt starts swinging from vine to vine, ala Tarzan, I heard someone in the theater mutter, "Oh, come on," in a really irritated tone. Then I realized it was me. Based on the fact that no one in the audience shushed me, I'm going to assume they all agreed with me.

9) Irina's death: So Irina puts the skull back on the alien's body. The alien says it wants to give her a gift. She says she wants to "know everything." At which point the room falls into some sort of vortex, and she gets burned up. Huh? What the hell kind of gift was that?

To be fair, Raiders set the bar impossibly high for climactic death scenes. In fact, I could go to every movie that comes out for the rest of my life, and I'd be willing to bet that there won't be anything as good as this:

Still, I like to think Crystal Skull could have come up with something better than the cheap knockoff they did here.

10) No one, singular cool moment: In every other Indiana Jones film, there's been at least one moment that made me go, "Holy shit, that was awesome!" (In Raiders alone, there are, like, twenty of them.) The only "Holy shit, that was awesome!"moment in Crystal Skull is when the closing credits start.

At the end of the film, there was...I can't even call it a smattering of applause. One person started clapping softly, then stopped when no one else joined in. Then someone else tried it. And maybe one other person. It was truly pathetic.

Was there any good stuff? Sure. The jeep sequence was fantastic, Cate Blanchett made a decent enough villain (not as good as Belloq, but it's not like Mola Ram or Walter Donovan were all that great), and Harrison Ford and Karen Allen still have pretty good chemistry. I'll even admit that I enjoyed a couple of the Indy/Mutt scenes. But the bad far, far outweighs the good.

Last week, Lucas said that the franchise could conceivably continue with Mutt taking over as the lead character. Don't even think about it, George. Not only should there not be another Indiana Jones film, but Paramount should pretend that this one never happened. Quickly recall and burn all of the prints currently in theaters, destroy all the merchandise, and no DVD release. Just totally erase it from society's memory. Then, five hundred years from now, people would have conversations like this:

"Say, did you hear that there was actually a fourth Indiana Jones film?"

"Nah, that's just an old Hollywood urban legend. You know, kind of like that ghost in Three Men and a Baby. Hey, you want to go to the Holodeck?"

"Sure!"

And they'd be better off for it.

Memo to McLean Bible Church

I don't care if God is on your side. There's no such thing as an "Internet Campus."

This gave me horrible flashbacks to the 90s, when companies did everything they could to avoid describing their websites as "websites." Hence, you had online "pavilions," "villages," and "town squares." Then those companies gradually realized that people weren't as stupid as they thought, and could actually use a website without it having to be dressed up in cute euphemisms. Interesting that the McLean Bible Church, right next to the area's technology corridor, is still behind the curve on that.

Not a sermon, just a thought.

Comic relief

Whenever the Washington Post starts tinkering with the Comics section, it's time to get nervous. In theory, this should not be the case. Because the ratio of chafe to wheat in the Post is so high, the opportunity to ditch one or more of the lamer strips in favor of something funny (and, dare I say even...hip?) should be a welcome one.

Unfortunately, the Post has a history of making poor decisions in this regard. I remember when I was about 10 or 11, being outraged when they cut Tank McNamara in one of their periodic purges. Now, I'm not going to claim that Tank McNamara is the epitome of comic strip hilarity, but considering the sheer glut of comics featuring kids, animals, kids and animals, animals and kids, and other themes that have been hashed and rehashed, dropping one of the few strips out there actually doing something original like lampooning sports was unforgivable. So I was really pleased a few weeks later when the Post announced that Tank was coming back, thanks to reader complaints.

More recently, the Post chose to drop Mary Worth. Normally, this is something I'd applaud, even though I had a soft spot for the old broad. But the problem is, they dumped Mary Worth while keeping all their other horrible serialized strips. Mark Trail? Prince Valiant? Judge Parker? The Amazing Spider-Man? Of all of them, Mary Worth was by far the least offensive.

In any case, with Doonesbury on hiatus, the Post is trying out a series of test strips. Since they're obviously not getting rid of Doonesbury, that means there's a possibility of them dropping another strip, and replacing it with something good. And contrary to the apparent belief of some newspapers, it is still possible to find good new comic strips in this day and age.

The Boondocks was easily the best strip to come out in the last twenty years or so, until Aaron McGruder unwisely decided to end it in favor of the far inferior TV series. Liberty Meadows was also really good, until Frank Cho quit. Right now, Get Fuzzy is probably the most consistently hilarious strip being published (although by all rights, Darby Conley should be paying Jim Davis royalties), and I really enjoy Brewster Rockit: Space Guy!, which I think is a relatively recent addition.

So the Post needs to do two things. First, find some good strips floating around out there (the current test strips haven't really impressed). Second, and more importantly, make sure they get rid of the bad strips, not the good ones. "Drop Baldo, and keep Big Nate? Super idea!" is something I could easily imagine being said in the Post's office.

Here's my list of what I'd like to see dropped:

The aforementioned Mark Trail, Prince Valiant, and Judge Parker: The people who read these strips probably refer to John McCain as "that young whippersnapper running for president." I have no idea how many of them there are, but I'm sure there are less every day, as they gradually succumb to old age.

Mutts: You know how sitcoms used to do the "very special episode" gimmick all the time? It seems like every Sunday installment of Mutts is a "very special episode," designed to tug at your heart strings. In fact, I'm not sure there's ever actually been a joke in any of them.

Zits: I don't entirely hate this one, but it's the same gag over and over. Teenagers eat a lot! Teenagers tune out their parents! Teenagers are weird! So, fine, keep it, but there's no way it should have the prime real estate it does in the Sunday Comics section.

Garfield: I know this would upset some people, but it should have been put out of its misery long ago. Anyone who doesn't think that Bill Watterson was absolutely right about the importance of artists knowing when to call it quits, should read any Garfield strip from the past few years.

The Amazing Spider-Man: Even as a kid who read comic books, ostensibly the strip's target audience, I utterly despised it. I still do. Nothing. Ever. Happens. It's just Peter and Mary Jane endlessly talking about their relationship, with the occasional half-hearted attempt at action, immediately followed with more relationship talk. Where's Mephisto when you need him?

The Family Circus: I could write an entire book on why Family Circus needs to go. It's like shooting fish in a barrel. Once you turn 8, you're officially too sophisticated to be reading it. It's a crime against humanity that this strip has been allowed to continue for as long as it has. I like to think newspapers across America are dying to cancel it, and are just waiting for some other paper to get the ball rolling. I, for one, would be proud to be known as the brave editor who finally killed The Family Circus. In fact, that would be on my tombstone.

So there you go, Washington Post. That's how you can easily improve your comics section. But, uh, just make sure you keep Slylock Fox. My...er...nephew enjoys trying to solve it each week. Yeah. That's it. My nephew.

Indiana Jones and the Curse of the Crappy Love Interests

Indiana Jones is arguably the greatest character in motion picture history. Certainly, the greatest character in the action/adventure film genre.

But while he's talented at finding lost relics, killing Nazis, and making his bullwhip defy the laws of physics, there's one thing he's never been able to accomplish that other, lesser action heroes have constantly managed to do with ease: Find a decent chick.

You'd think it'd be easy. Aside from having the whole action hero mystique working for him, he's obviously in a position to meet exotic women. Plus, the man has numerous coeds willing to throw themselves at him. He shouldn't have to settle for what he's been getting.

Let's look at Indy's dating history.

Raiders of the Lost Ark: Marion Ravenwood, played by Karen Allen

Marion had a nice, feisty personality, but while she's certainly not an unattractive woman, Allen never really did anything for me. Also, Marion clearly had a serious problem with alcohol. Think about it. She first shows up drinking a bunch of guys under the table, and the film ends with her offering to buy Indy a drink. And she spent several years living in Nepal, surrounded by a bunch of lonely, burly guys. So who knows what was going on there.

Temple of Doom: Willie Scott, played by Kate Capshaw

Total loser. Looks-wise, I'll give Capshaw the edge over Allen. But good God, the character was annoying. Throughout the entire movie, she did nothing but scream, get captured, and generally get in the way. If it wasn't for the fact that Indy needed someone to kiss at the end of the film, her character could have been left out entirely. (His only other option would have been Short Round, and I don't think anyone would have left the theater feeling good about that.)

And on a personal level, she committed what I think is an unforgivable sin: She wasn't adventurous enough to sample strange new food. I, for one, would love to meet a woman up for trying chilled monkey brains.

Last Crusade: Elsa Schneider, played by Alison Doody

Finally! The perfect combination of beauty and brains! If only she wasn't a Nazi collaborator. And if only she didn't die at the end.

Which brings us to Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. When I first heard that Cate Blanchett had been cast, I was ecstatic, because after years of these horrible love interests, it seemed like they were sending Indy out in style.

This is the kind of woman Indiana Jones should end up with:

Well done, Spielberg! Well done, Lucas!

Of course, my happiness for Indy was short-lived, when it was revealed that A) Blanchett would be playing the villain, and B) Marion was coming back. Oh, joy.

There will no doubt be some amazing special effects in Crystal Skull, but by far, the most impressive will be that they took one of the most beautiful women in the world, and turned her into this:

Sigh. Well done, Spielberg. Well done, Lucas.

As Short Round might say if he'd grown up in modern times, "Sucks for you, Dr. Jones."

Shut up about the damn Wii

When it comes those who don't have a Nintendo Wii, there are two kinds of people in the world. The kind who covet it as if it's the pinnacle of mankind's achievement on this planet, and those who just honestly couldn't care less.

I fall into the second category.

It's not that I have anything against the Wii in principle. I've played it. It's okay. It's fine for what it is, a family/party toy, as opposed to a real video game platform. But almost two years after it came out, the fact that there's still such a fervor over them that it's impossible to find one in stock (almost impossible, anyway) is amazing. And irritating. Because I have to think that if they were widely available, people would stop obsessing over them.

I had to go to Best Buy yesterday morning to pick up something for my computer. I got there about ten minutes before they opened, and rather than go into another store or wait in my car, I decided to just stand in line outside Best Buy like a dork. On any normal Sunday, there would be maybe ten other dorks in that line. But yesterday wasn't a regular Sunday. It was a Wii shipment Sunday. So instead, there were about 30-40 dorks. My unscientific estimate is that 90% of them were there for Wiis or Wii-related accessories.

And like all people who have happily drunk the Wii Kool-Aid, they just wouldn't shut up about the fucking Wii. Things I learned while waiting in line and eavesdropping on various conversations between my fellow line dorks:

- The Wii is "really cool."

- The Wii is "super cool."

- The Wii has great games, and those gamers who say otherwise are just snobs. (This snob begs to differ. I'll take an Xbox 360 at full price, and with it, the ability to play GTA 4, Bioshock, Halo, etc., over a free Wii and Mario Kart, any day.)

- The Wii is going to help someone lose fifty pounds.

- The Wii is for social, active people, and Xboxes and Playstations are for shut-ins. (Hmmmm...I can't honestly disagree with this, but still, fuck off.)

- The Wii can cure cancer.

- The Wii can facilitate time travel.

- God Himself made the Wii, and sent it, his only begotten video game console, down from Heaven to deliver us from our sins.

Okay, I might not have actually heard those last couple of comments.

Twice, people came up and asked me what everyone was waiting in line for. Maybe I have one of those faces, where people think it's okay to approach me for random information. (It's not okay.) The first time, I just shrugged, and it fell to the couple behind me to joyously shout out, "Wiis!" The second time, some guy pulled up alongside the line in his car, and I ignored him. When told what everyone was in line for Wiis, he shouted, "Hell, I better get in line, then!" I couldn't tell if he was being serious or mocking. I hope mocking.

To make things worse, the woman behind me was a Line Comedian, one of those people who's always "on," and seems to believes it's her mission in life to keep everyone else in line entertained. Because God forbid people just stand there in silence for a couple of minutes among strangers without feeling the need to fill the void with babble. It was the longest ten minutes of my life.

And I won't even mention how many people I know who, in the course of unrelated conversation, will drop in how they're thinking about getting a Wii, and then proceed to explain why, despite my obvious disinterest. Why do people need to "think" about buying one? It's $250. We're not talking a major investment, here.

I hope Nintendo takes pity on me and increases Wii production so everyone who wants one can have one, and finally shut up about wanting one. Failing that, I hope Wiis start randomly exploding, killing and maiming people around the world, causing a mass recall and making people afraid to own one. I'm good either way.

If McDonald's food doesn't kill you, the other customers might

I was waiting in line this morning at McDonald's for one of their new chicken biscuits (which are so good, it's as if God himself decided to make a chicken biscuit), when I realized the line hadn't moved for a couple of minutes.

Looking towards the counter, I saw that the woman in the front of the line was having some sort of argument with the cashier. I couldn't make out what the problem was, but from the way the hapless cashier and, a couple of minutes later, the even more hapless manager, were acting, it was clearly McDonald's fuck up. I think it had something to do with her credit card being overcharged, which is why she was still at the register instead of stepping off to the side to talk to the manager.

Now, assuming it was a credit card situation, I think we can all agree that you don't leave the store until it gets resolved. The last thing you want is to open your statement the following month and see you've been charged $50 for a McGriddle, or even just charged for two when you only ordered one. So the woman was definitely in the right to keep cracking the whip until the manager fixed the problem.

Here's the interesting thing, though: Everyone in line was getting pissed off, not at the McDonald's employees who seemed to have no idea what they were doing, but the woman. People were rolling their eyes every time she said something, and muttering things like, "Jesus Christ..." The customer directly behind her seriously looked like she was about to grab a plastic knife and slit her throat from behind. Even I found myself thinking, "So you got overcharged. Big deal. Is that really worth making me wait?"

If I'd studied sociology, I'm sure I could apply that knowledge to this situation, and make all sorts of keen insights about pack mentality, the tendency to blame the victim, etc. But since I didn't, I'll just draw this conclusion: People are assholes. Me included, apparently.

Speaking of fast food and assholes, while I was in line, I observed two instances of customer behavior that, as a former food service employee myself, really got under my skin.

First, there was this one guy who, after ordering, added in the most douchiest tone of voice possible, "And this time make sure the syrup's in there. You guys didn't put it in last time."

For fuck's sake, dude. Mistakes happen. And if it wasn't that particular employee who didn't give you your syrup, it's not fair to take it out on him. When you get your food, just look in the bag. If you don't have syrup, ask for it. This isn't rocket science.

Second, there was a woman who was partially paying for her food with some coins. Instead of handing them to the cashier like a civilized person, she just dropped them on the counter, making the employee pick them up.

Never do this. Seriously. Never.

Other than trying to order off the menu or making stupid substitution requests and getting upset when the answer was no ("What do you mean I can't substitute the side salad for another sandwich?"), this is maybe the most irritating thing a customer ever did to me. Whenever someone did this, I would a point of slowly picking up each coin individually, making them wait. This one regular customer who always paid exact change, would often just drop her coins on the counter, sometimes causing them to roll off. Even when one of us would hold our hand out, she'd drop them on the counter. We despised her. I'm not even going to tell you what we did to her food when we saw her coming. Use your imagination.

If you have to put coins on the counter in order to count them out, fine, but then scoop them back into your hand, and hand them to the cashier. If you can't bring yourself to do this out of respect for a fellow human being, do it out of your own self-interest. Believe me, food service folk often have the dangerous combination of great memories and hair triggers. You don't want someone in the back rubbing his hand across his taint and buttering your bun that way.

And seriously, go to McDonald's and have a chicken biscuit. I'm pretty sure each one takes about a month off your life expectancy, but they're so worth it.

And the Ragey goes to...

AutoVantage Road Rage Survey Final Results:

1) Miami

2) Boston

3) New York

4) Baltimore

5) Washington, D.C.

And here to accept this award on behalf of Washington, D.C....me.

Oh, wow. I...I...I'm sorry. You know, you sort of try and picture what you're going to say if you're lucky enough to get up here, and then it's all just a big blur.

Okay. Deep breath.

First and foremost, I want to congratulate the people of Washington, D.C. Notice I said people, not just drivers. Because everyone plays a part when it comes to road rage. Jaywalkers. Cyclists. Businesses whose delivery trucks block the street illegally. And of course, the muggers, drug dealers, and other criminals, who keep our police occupied so that they can't pay more attention to road problems. So thank you all, even if you've never owned a car and never will.

I know a lot of people are disappointed by our fifth place finish. Unfortunately, there can only be one winner, and this year, Miami simply outdid everyone else. Plus, they've won for the last two years, so they clearly know how to put together a good season. Would it have been nice to have at least medaled? Sure. But you can't take away from the great job Boston and New York did, either. You just can't. So to all three cities, I salute you. Hell, I'll even congratulate our hated neighbors to the north. You Baltimoreans are okay.

All is not lost, however. We beat rage-filled cities like Atlanta (whose residents are into dog fighting, so you know they're prone to violence), Dallas (Cowboys fans. 'Nuff said), and Los Angeles. We beat fucking Los Angeles. Anyone who's experienced the traffic out there and seen the freaks of nature who are allowed to get driver's licences, knows how huge this upset is. Plus, D.C. was voted "the No. 1 place for drivers to slam on their brakes at the last possible second," which is sort of like winning the Miss Congeniality award, but you know what? We'll take it.

But I think we can do better. Next year, I think we will do better. We probably won't dethrone Miami, but I see no reason why we can't take this solid road rage foundation we've built, and at least place in the top three. And consider this: if the D.C. handgun ban is overturned, our road rage potential will skyrocket. No longer will we have to resolve our road rage differences with words and mere threats of violence. We could, quite possibly, actually be able to shoot one another. I know I just said beating Miami would be almost impossible, but if we can get at least twenty road rage-related shooting deaths under our belt by the fall, I think we could be contenders. I really, really do.

Now, some of you might be wondering why I was chosen to accept this award. The simple fact is, I'm responsible for a fair amount of the road rage in the area. I don't get angry myself, but I am very good at provoking anger in others. Aside from simply being a selfish driver, one of my favorite things to do is play a little game I call "Road Warrior," where if I see someone speeding up behind me or weaving in and out of traffic, I'll cut him off and force him to slow down. Then I'll toy with him for as long as possible, letting him get ahead of me in the other lane almost enough to pass me, then I'll speed up. And when he gets behind me in order to pass the other car, I'll slow down. It's great fun.

I rationalize this by thinking that I'm keeping the roads safe, but the truth is, I just enjoy pissing off reckless drivers. (And spare me all the dire "What if?" scenarios, like "What if the driver's wife was going into labor and he was getting her to the hospital?" or "What if it's Jack Bauer racing to stop a nuclear bomb from going off?" These instances account for maybe .5% of all reckless drivers. The other 99.5% are just assholes.)

But I'm only one man. I can't do this alone. If we're going to win this thing, I need your help. I need your rage.

In closing I'd just like to thank AutoVantage for this great, great honor. And my parents, who never stopped believing in me. And my agent. And the caterers, because no one ever thanks the caterers. And...oh, shoot, they're starting to play me off.

Next year people, next year! We can do this! Dreams really do come true! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Go, Speed Racer! Go, Speed Racer! Go, Speed Racer, Goooooo!

Speed Racer may well be the most unfairly maligned film in history. I'm amazed at not only the awful reviews it's getting, but the sheer glee with which critics are savaging it. I mean, I'm still as pissed about the last two Matrix films as anyone, but I don't see the point in holding a grudge against the Wachowskis for the rest of my life.

What did people expect from a PG film based on a 40-year old Japanese cartoon featuring characters with names like Racer X and Inspector Detector? Depth? Pathos? The meaning of life? Whatever. I loved it. Not liked, loved. If you've ever wondered whether or not you have any joy left in your soul, go see this film. If you hate it as much as all those bitter, self-loathing critics did, the answer, sadly, is no, and my heart goes out to you.

The one thing that marred an otherwise wonderful movie-going experience was the same problem I ran into last year at Shrek the Third: Fucking kids.

The theater was filthy with them. This somewhat surprised me because it was an 11:30 matinee, and I figured they'd all be off doing...I don't know, whatever the hell it is kids do on Saturday mornings. Also, I didn't really think kids would even be interested in Speed Racer. I just assumed I'd be surrounded by film geeks, nostalgia-loving Gen-Xers, or simply people who had nothing better to do on a Saturday (I, obviously, fell into all three categories).

What made the situation even worse is that, as is sometimes the case when I go to a matinee, I went by myself. And when you're by yourself in a movie theater where children make up more than half of the audience, you might as well hang a big sign around your neck that says, "Hi, I'm a ped! Better keep a close eye on that kid of yours! Heh, heh, heh..."

Actually, I have to admit, as far as large groups of children go, this one wasn't too bad. The parents did a pretty good job of shushing them the hell up when the movie started, and there wasn't any real noise after that. There were only two things that really annoyed me.

First, the family behind me brought a baby with them, which, short of starting a war under false pretenses, may be the worst thing any human being can do. Can any good possibly come of bringing a baby to a movie theater? I don't understand why they're not completely banned. And no, I don't give a shit how unfair this would be to parents. If theater management saw me bringing a bullhorn inside, they'd stop me. So why is it any different just because the bullhorn happens to be alive and cute? The baby's gurgling and crying was bad enough, but the smell was even worse. It was this sick, baby wipe-ish odor that I somehow kept smelling for hours after I left the theater. In fact, just typing that just now made it come back. Ugh.

Second, every so often, this kid in the row in front of me would stand up for a couple of minutes and watch the movie that way. Granted, he was short, so the top of his head only blocked maybe an inch or two of the screen, but it was still irritating. I would have been well within my rights to object, but no matter how many times I played the scenario in my head, I couldn't think of a way to say something to the kid or his father without sounding like a total dick. And, again, I really didn't want to draw attention to the fact that I was alone in a theater full of kids. So I just sat there and stewed. That father is really doing his son a disservice by letting him do that that, though. Sooner or later, someone who isn't afraid to sound like a dick is going to shout, "Hey, sit the fuck down!" and make the kid cry. It's never too early to teach your child proper movie etiquette.

So, to sum up: Speed Racer is awesome, no matter what anyone says; it's probably best to avoid kids movies if you're by yourself; and parents with babies or overly-permissive attitudes shouldn't be allowed anywhere near a movie theater.

Hmmm...maybe if I did wear a sign announcing that I'm a pedophile, parents would keep their kids away from me in the theater, and I'd have a nice isolated area all to myself. Hey, Prince Caspian starts this week. This might be worth exploring.

Summer Movie Scorecard

It's summer! Well, at least, according to Hollywood. Which means the movies get dumber, the crowds get bigger (in terms of both number and waist size), and it's time once again to break out the Summer Movie Scorecard.

It looks like it's actually going to be kind of a slow season. Last year, there were 24 films in my Definitely Seeing and Might See lists. The year, only 19. Hopefully, this means quality will triumph over quantity, and I might actually get a little bit of sun.

Have Seen:

Iron Man: A-

Definitely Seeing:

Speed Racer
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
The Incredible Hulk

The Happening
Hancock
The Dark Knight
The Midnight Meat Train
Pineapple Express

Might See:

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian

You Don't Mess With the Zohan
Get Smart

Wanted

WALL·E
Hellboy II: The Golden Army
Step Brothers
X Files: I Want to Believe
The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
Tropic Thunder

Jack Bauer goes Canadian

God, I miss 24. You know, if not for the stupid writers' strike, we'd be just a couple of weeks away from the season finale. A season that looked absolutely fucking awesome, and would have more than made up for the travesty that was last year.

What's more, I really think that if the new season had aired as planned, the country would be a better place right now. The Redskins would have won the Super Bowl. Hillary would have dropped out after Super Tuesday. Heath Ledger would still be alive. All because of the sheer joy and awesomeness Jack Bauer brings into each and every one of our lives.

Unfortunately, without 24, the television landscape is as bleak as the rest of the country. So I was watching one of the few good things on TV last night, a new episode of Corner Gas, when what did I see?

Now, even though he's identified as "Kiefer," look at the intense way he answers the phone. Look at the way he's working that laptop, probably hacking into some terrorist group's mainframe. Look at the way he flies off the handle when interrupted, beginning with his trademark, "Damn it!"

That, my friends, was Jack Bauer. And he's hiding up in Canada. And for just a brief, shining moment last night, the world was perfect again.

Cooley Hand Harmony

Chris Cooley Autographed 2008 Pro Bowl Game Worn Gloves

Another amazingly unique and limited piece of Chris Cooley memorabilia: a set of exclusive Pro Bowl gloves made by Reebok and worn by Chris in the 2008 Pro Bowl. The item features Chris's signature as well as his jersey number (47). In these gloves at the 2008 Pro Bowl Chris had 3 receptions for 41 yards and 1 touchdown. (Chris Cooley)

Now the weird thing is, I could actually afford these. And when they arrived, I'd undoubtedly squeal like a little girl, put them on, revel in Chris Cooley's dried sweat mixing with my own, and maybe run routes around my living room, pretending to catch passes from Jason Campbell.

After I was done playing, they'd go right into a frame, which would enjoy a place of honor above my TV. And every time Cooley scored a touchdown, I'd probably do something lame like jump up off my couch, run over to the frame, and high five Cooley through the glass. And it would all be great.

But at the end of the day, I'd still be a guy who paid $500 for a pair of used gloves. A pair of used gloves from one of my favorite players, granted. But still a pair of used gloves.

You know those sports fans who can apparently just turn their brains off at will? The ones who think nothing of completely painting their bodies in their team's colors for a game? Or start fights with other fans in the stands, just because they're cheering for the opposing team? Or, say, spend $500 on desirable, yet ultimately pointless memorabilia? Sometimes, I envy them.

Demolition as art

You know, this actually looks kind of cool.

And the building's been this way, half torn down, half not, for a couple of weeks now, and no one seems to be complaining about it. So, really, is there any need to finish? Can't we just leave it up and declare it a piece of modern art? Call it "K Street Waste" or something?

Or how about making it a monument? It's always struck me as odd that in a city full of monuments honoring various people, places, and things, there's never been a monument to D.C. itself. Personally, I can't think of a more fitting tribute than a once proud structure torn asunder.

Actually, that's not true. Even better would be a large bronze statue of Marion Barry smoking crack, with these words inscribed on the base:

Mayor For Life
"Goddamn setup...I'll be goddamn. Bitch set me up."

If that doesn't perfectly capture the spirit of this city, I don't know what does.

Baby plagiarists are still plagiarists

Plagiarism is a serious crime in journalism; it can be embarrassing and career-ending. But what if the plagiarists are children who won the KidsPost poetry contest, children who said the work was their own?

The winning poems were published Tuesday. Two of them, submitted by children as original, were not original. Seventeen readers noticed, including 10-year-old Hannah Engle of Alexandria, who wrote to me to name the original authors and suggested: "You should check the winners to make sure they did not do such a thing." (Washington Post)

Damn, Washington Post. Getting lectured by a ten year-old girl on journalistic ethics? You know, rather than go through another round of buy-outs and rumors of layoffs every couple of months, why not just hire kids to work at the paper? They're cheap, and based on how great my new pair of Nikes felt while I was running yesterday, they do surprisingly good work.

Seriously, though, if the Post really wants to drive home just how serious plagiarism is, someone needs to get fired. That's just how it works in the business. Jayson Blair got fired. Ben Domenech got fired. And someone needs to get fired here.

Now, I believe the KidsPost people did all they reasonably could to determine whether the poems were original works. (And really, doesn't editing KidsPost sound like the greatest, most fun, most stress-free job in the world? I have no idea what it pays, but I'd take the job in a second.) And obviously, you can't fire the kids from school. They'd probably enjoy that too much. No, I think the answer is firing the parents of the little thieving brats.

I don't know where they work, I don't know what they do, but in this day and age, it's a safe bet that their employers are involved in something shady. Fraud, unsafe working conditions, secretly financing al-Qaeda...something. All Deborah Howell has to do is find out where the parents work, threaten a Post exposé if they aren't immediately let go, and their employers will cave. When the plagiarists find out that there's no Christmas this year, no health insurance in case someone gets sick, and their families will be moving from their nice, big homes into cramped apartments, maybe they'll finally understand the gravity of the situation.

Nobody fucks with Shel Silverstein. Not on my watch.

Free Comic Book Day 2008

I'm not going to lie. This year's Free Comic Book Day line-up is pretty weak. And in a summer where there are films featuring Batman, the Hulk, and Iron Man, this year's FCBD selections feature no Batman comic, no Hulk comic, and an Iron Man comic that's aimed at young children. Obviously, getting kids into comics is a worthy cause (not to mention, necessary for the survival of the industry), but I think there's something to be said for also going after the adults who'd just spent two hours the night before watching Iron Man blow shit up on the big screen.

But, hey, they're free right? And if you go, there's a good chance you'll find something even better there (albeit, not free).

So get thee to any one of D.C.'s three excellent, excellent comic book stores tomorrow, Big Planet Comics, Big Monkey Comics, or Fantom Comics, and grab some free stuff.

My recommendations:

All Star Superman #1: Hands down, one of the greatest superhero comics ever written, and arguably, the best take ever on the Man of Steel. It's probably a bit over the heads of most children, so feel free to shove them out of the way if there aren't that many copies left.

X-Men: I'm not really a big X-Men fan, but Mike Carrey's a great writer, and Greg Land draws pretty pictures. But if you're looking for something that's closer to the films, pick up Ultimate X-Men Vol. 1.

The Stranded/Dan Dare Flip Book: The Stranded seems like an interesting, though, familiar sci-fi story. But Dan Dare is written by Garth Ennis. And there's at least a 90% chance that anything written by Garth Ennis is awesome.

Salem: Queen of Thorns: I know nothing about this, but it comes from Boom! Studios, which has put out some quality stuff in the past couple of years. At least worth a look.

Maintenance #1: I'm also unfamiliar with this one. But a comedy/sci-fi series about two custodians working at an evil think tank, sounds pretty good.

DC Universe #0: Okay, this one isn't actually free. But it is only fifty cents, and it leads directly into Final Crisis, the big comics event that's supposed to be the be all, end all of big comics events. Well worth checking out.

And again, even with all the free books available, don't be afraid to dip into the old wallet. Spend a couple of minutes browsing the trade paperback section, and I guarantee you'll find something to your liking. And if you can't, there's no doubt that the staff (not a Comic Book Guy among them in my experience) can recommend something you'd like.

Why the hell are Kids In the Hall tickets still available?

Apparently, The Kids In the Hall and/or the Warner Theater are doing their absolute best to keep Saturday's performance a secret. In general, the whole tour seems to be on the down-low, with very little fanfare or promotion when it was announced. But just in terms of D.C., I've seen precious little promotion for it. I heard a commercial on the radio for the first time this morning, and there's a brief interview with Scott Thompson in today's Express. And that's about it.

But that's no excuse for why tickets are still available.

I'm hardly the most plugged-in person in the world, but even I found out about it a few weeks ago, at which point I frantically ran for the nearest computer to buy my tickets, because I was certain that there'd be a frantic rush as people found out about the show. This rush never actually materialized, much to my amazement and deep, deep disappointment with all of you reading this who didn't buy tickets.

Now, admittedly, D.C. and comedy have always had an uneasy relationship. Sure, the area has produced guys like Dave Chappelle and Patton Oswalt, but they don't get big until they go to New York or L.A. And while some of the clubs here are okay, none are what I'd call great. For a long time, you know what people would think of when they heard "D.C." and "comedy"? This guy:

So maybe I shouldn't be too surprised at the collective taste in this area, or lack thereof. I'll hold off making a final judgment until the next time Jeff Foxworthy or Carrot Top come through town, and we see how fast they sell out, but I'm not encouraged.

After the wheel, fantasy football, and the three day weekend, The Kids In the Hall are maybe the greatest thing mankind has ever come up with, and it pains me to see them so unappreciated here. You suck, D.C.