Super Bowl pick

0-2 last week; 132-117 for the season

New York Giants at New England (-12): New England

Vice city

Last month, I saw a homeless guy walk out of a convenience store with three scratch-off lottery tickets, sit down, and start scratching with his fingernails. Not the cheap tickets, either. The $5 kind. When I walked by an hour later, he was still sitting there, asking people for change. I guess he didn't win. Shocker.

Last week, I saw a heated argument between a woman and a convenience store clerk, over her Pick 4 numbers. It was hard to follow because they both spoke broken English, but apparently, she was pissed off because she played the same numbers every night, and the clerk gave her the wrong numbers on her lottery ticket. I'm not sure if she wanted another ticket, or was claiming that her lucky numbers had won the night before and that he owed her the jackpot, but she seemed really upset.

Today, I just wanted to buy my usual breakfast of champions of a Power Bar and Monster, but the guy in front of me was buying his scratch-off tickets. Many scratch-off tickets. "Let me have a five and...an eight...and...can I see a three?" He ended up buying nearly $30 in tickets, while I was stuck there, unable to get my protein and caffeine fix. (It's a testament to how unfair our legal system is that if I'd given into my impulse to hit him in the head with my can of Monster until his skull cracked, I would have been the one arrested.)

I think these examples of severe gambling addictions illustrate a serious, serious problem in this city: We're simply not doing enough to take advantage of these people.

Why are the cheap scratch-off tickets only $1? Why not $2 or $3? Then jack the $5 and $10 tickets to $10 and $15, respectively. People will pay it.

Why only two daily drawings for the Pick 3 and Pick 4 games? Why not ten? One every hour from 9 AM to 6 PM?

Why not have city-sanctioned three card monte tables set up on every corner? That way, we'd get both people with gambling addictions AND gullible tourists. Plus, we'd never have to pay out.

The possibilities are endless, as are the possibilities for spending the money once it starts rolling in. We're talking about taxes cut in half, the number of police officers doubled, streets paved with gold (or, in the very least, paved with cement that doesn't need patching every year), and so on.

Some might say this is wrong. And hey, maybe it is. But addicts are going to buy lotto tickets, no matter what. So if we're not going to outlaw it altogether for their own good, we should just explot the hell out of them for the benefit of everyone else.

Rambo

Casablanca, Citizen Kane, Rambo.

That's the new order of the best films in the history of the world.

It...I...how...Rambo...the film...words...can't...I...can't...I...

(Deep breath.) Okay, lets try that again.

Suppose, instead of just being a word, Awesome was an actual, tangible thing. Something you could perceive and see and touch. And suppose someone filmed Awesome for ninety minutes and put it on screen.

That's what Rambo is.

It has no real plot. It has no real acting. It has no memorable dialogue.

You know what it does have? Blood. Death. Gore. Blood. Carnage. Depravity. Blood. Limbs flying everywhere. Brain matter splattered. Intestines on the outside of the body. Did I mention blood?

Obviously, this isn't a movie that will appeal to everyone. There are, inexplicably, those out there who either can't or won't appreciate the genius of Rambo crushing a man's head into a bloody pulp with his bare hands. I feel sorry for those people. I think they're a lot like the missionaries in the film, who start off really self-righteous and so sure that violence is wrong, only to be schooled by Rambo. Hopefully, such people have a Rambo in their lives who can similarly enlighten them.

When the movie was over, I waited for someone to start clapping. I really think I would have joined in this time. But no one did. Yeah, I don't get it, either.

Finally, I'd like to again give a big shout out to David Germain for his enthusiastic recommendation of the film, which was cleverly disguised as a negative review. I can honestly say that without it, I never would have gone to see Rambo. So thank you, sir. I loved the movie every bit as much as you did (wink, wink).

Rambo and reverse psychology

I wasn't going to see Rambo this weekend. Or at all. No time. I still need to see There Will Be Blood, I want to see Cloverfield again, and there's a lot coming out on DVD in the next couple of weeks, so I'll be buried in Netflix envelopes. And besides, I'm not really a big Rambo fan, anyway.

That wasn't always the case. When I was a kid, a friend of mine had Rambo: First Blood Part 2 on tape (his parents were much, much cooler than mine, who, if they'd had their way, would have stopped me from ever discovering Rambo) and of course, I loved it. What wasn't there to love? You had Rambo shooting explosive arrows. You had Rambo, camouflaged in mud, stepping out and gutting Vietcong. You had Rambo blowing stuff up with his gunship. You had Rambo emptying his M60 in the hanger at the end of the movie, for no particular reason. Good stuff.

A couple of months later, my friend hooked me up again, and we watched First Blood. It was okay, but at the time, I was disappointed by all the social relevance crap about Vietnam vets, and the notable absence of exploding arrows and M60s. (Later, I'd grudgingly admit that my 10-year old self was wrong, and that First Blood is the superior film, and that First Blood Part 2 actually sort of sucks.) To this day, I still haven't seen Rambo III.

So I figured I'd just wait for Rambo to come out on DVD. But then I read the AP review by David Germain in today's Express:

"Rambo" is sickening, almost degenerate, in its savagery. Any hope that it might redeem the franchise the way "Rocky Balboa" did vanishes about the time a Burmese soldier bayonets the belly of a child during one of the movie's early sequences of utter carnage.
...
Rambo once again becomes an unstoppable demon of death as he tears through the jungle slaughtering bad guys with bow and arrow, his bare hands in one particularly bloody moment, and a gun that could bring down a T-Rex.

SOLD.

I'm sorry, but how do you not go see this movie after that description, which borders on the poetic?

I mean, was the intent of this review really to talk me out of seeing it? If so, it failed miserably. I almost suspect a hidden agenda to make people want to see it, by peppering an ostensibly bad review with language that people like me would predictably respond to. The AP should conduct an investigation to see if Germain is getting a kickback from the studio, because there's no way a negative review should prompt such a positive reaction.

You had me at "sickening, almost degenerate," Mr. Germain. You had me at "sickening, almost degenerate."

Porn!

Nine D.C. government employees are being fired for viewing pornography on their work computers, including three who looked at inappropriate sexual images an average of about 200 times per work day in 2007, city officials said yesterday.

Each of the nine employees clicked on porn sites more than 19,000 times last year, according to the results of an internal investigation of 10,000 government computers, officials said. Three visited such sites more than 39,000 times apiece last year, the investigation found. (Washington Post)

Firing seems a bit excessive and premature, doesn't it? If anything, the city should have done a study to see whether or not those employees were doing a better job than their coworkers. After all, isn't there an old saying about a happy employee being a productive employee? I'll bet these guys were really happy.

But speaking of excessive, an average of 200 times per work day? 39,000 times each? I...I...can't even conceive. Wouldn't that require doing literally nothing but viewing porn from the moment you got into work, to the moment you left at night?

Only in city government can you find a job so totally devoid of responsibility that it's possible to get away with that.

Thirty-two other employees who visited porn sites more than 2,000 times will receive letters of reprimand or suspensions.

Unless they mean 2,000 times each, that's an average of 62 porn viewings, per employee. While a far cry from 39,000 each, that's still an awful lot of porn.

I can only assume those lucky 32 people are being suspended instead of fired because some higher-up was also caught up in the porn sting. Since they couldn't very well keep him while firing everyone else, the city was forced to come up with this seemingly arbitrary cut-off, where viewing porn at work apparently isn't quite so bad, after all.

So who is the perv? Barry? Tangherlini? Evans? Fenty himself?

We'll probably never know for certain. So...let's just say it's Barry. Why not? The man's a walking collection of vices. What's one more?

Snotty-nosed

It started with Thursday's snowfall, estimated at about three inches near Lake Braddock Secondary School in Burke. On his lunch break, Lake Braddock senior Devraj Kori, 17, used a listed home phone number to call Dean Tistadt, chief operating officer for the county system, to ask why he had not closed the schools. Kori left his name and phone number and got a message later in the day from Tistadt's wife.

"How dare you call us at home! If you have a problem with going to school, you do not call somebody's house and complain about it," Candy Tistadt's minute-long message began. At one point, she uttered the phrase "snotty-nosed little brats," and near the end, she said, "Get over it, kid, and go to school!" (Washington Post)

Goddamn right. And you know what? Screw that kid. Not just for the incredibly dickish move of posting her message on the Internet, but for making the call in the first place.

Calling the chief operating officer at home is bad enough, but what really bugs me is the kid's completely manufactured indignation about how he did it for the sake of his fellow students' safety. Please. It was all about wanting a day off from school. And when he didn't get the response he wanted, he acted like a vindictive brat.

Hold on, let me put on my grumpy old man hat for a moment. Ah, there we go. Okay.

This is the problem with kids today. They're so coddled to the point that they believe the entire universe revolves around them and what they want. And to a degree, they're probably right. Because these days, every kid is special. Every kid gets excuses made for his behavior. (Even now, people are saying, "Well, he probably shouldn't have posted the tape online, but...") Every kid gets to act without consequences.

And I know it's sort of cute and funny now, but these are the kids who a few years later, get out in the real world, get a job, and then quit or get fired after a few months, because they can't understand why no one else sees how special they are, and just hands them stuff. I see it all the time. Fortunately, this being D.C., there are always more warm bodies to replace them, so they just wander off and either eventually get a clue or become hobos or something.

When attempting to justify why he felt it was okay to contact the COO, this was the best Kori could come up with:

"People in my generation view privacy differently. We are the cellphone generation. We are used to being reached at all times," he said.

Bullshit. While the "cellphone generation" (is that what we're calling the follow-up to Generation Y? I can never keep track.) may be happy being able to reach anyone at all times, no one wants to actually be reached at all times, themselves.

As this story gains steam, if Kori's home and cell numbers are circulated, I suspect that he and his family are going to learn that lesson the hard way, once people start calling them at 2 AM. And when that happens, I don't expect to hear one word of complaint out of this kid, him being part of the cellphone generation and used to being reached at all times, and all.

My Heath Ledger tribute

I don't care what anyone says, Heath. A Knight's Tale was a fucking awesome movie.

You did rock me.

Applause

When I was in fourth grade, it was a couple of weeks into the school year, and we were watching a movie in class. When it ended, we all started clapping, because fuck it, when you're 9 and a movie ends, you clap. End of story.

Our teacher sort of sneered at us and asked, "Why are you clapping? The movie can't hear you."

It was a shitty thing to say, but I couldn't really argue with her point, so it had its intended effect on me. I've never applauded another movie in my life. And whenever I get the urge to, it's almost like my fourth grade teacher appears in a puff of smoke and glares at me until the urge passes.

Looking back, it really was an instance of child abuse. Sure, society tells you what to do if an adult tries to touch you inappropriately, but they don't cover what to do when they try to steal your sense of wonder.

Anyway, when I saw Cloverfield a few days ago, there was that moment of silence between the end of the film and when people started walking out. And then from the back of the theater, one person started clapping. Then another, and another, until half the theater was applauding. Now, I liked Cloverfield. But I'm not going to claim it's an applause-worthy film, by any stretch of the imagination.

Last summer, I went to three films where the audience clapped afterwards: Transformers, The Simpsons Movie, and the last Harry Potter film. Transformers was even less applause-worthy than Cloverfield. The Simpsons...eh. Not really. I'll give Harry Potter a pass, since half the audience was made up of kids who obviously didn't have monsters for teachers, as I did. And don't even get me started on those dorks who applauded after the last three Star Wars films.

Looking forward to this summer, I can see two movies that might well be applause-worthy. The Dark Knight and the new Indiana Jones film (though I fear that by the end, the audience will be too busy thinking about how old Harrison Ford looks to applaud). I'd like to think that when the moment of truth comes, and I hear everyone around me break out into applause, I'll be able to join in. But after so long, I don't think I can without feeling self-conscious.

Damn you, fourth grade teacher. I think I would have rather you just tried groping me.

Cloverfield

A quick trip around the Internet reveals two attitudes towards Cloverfield from horror/sci-fi geeks.

The first is that the movie is a cool throwback to old giant monster films, and that while it may not be the best thing ever made, it's still a fun ride.

The second is that it's an derivative, soulless experience, with weak characters, a badly-designed monster, and that the steady cam gimmick is irritating.

The first group is correct. The second group are a bunch of cynical assholes, who would be absolutely creaming themselves if this had been an Asian film or some low-budget thing that only ten people saw.

I don't know what anyone expects from a movie about a bunch of 20-somethings being chased around New York by a giant monster, other than exactly what was advertised. Depth? Pathos? Some heavy-handed 9/11 metaphor?

The monster shows up. Buildings get knocked down. People die gruesome deaths. What more can you reasonably ask for?

I'll probably go see it again in a couple of weeks, which is basically the biggest compliment I can give it, as I rarely go see movies more than once in the theater. Not only do I want to see it again now that I know how it unfolds, but something happens in the very last scene that I somehow managed to miss, and I don't feel like waiting six months for the DVD.

Great news! D.C.'s homeless problem? Solved.

When I pass by homeless people on the street and they ask me for money, I basically have two options: A) Tell them I don't have it (which is usually a lie, and they know is a lie), or B) Ignore them.

I guess there's also an option C, where I give them money (which I do sometimes), but generally speaking, I like to keep my money for myself. So I usually go for option B. Ignoring them somehow seems more humane than looking them in the eye and saying I don't have anything.

Anyway, I was coming into work today, and I passed a homeless guy on the street who asked me for change. Fortunately, I was listening to my iPod. iPods are great for getting past homeless people. With an iPod, you don't even have to actually ignore them. You can just pretend like the music is up so loud, you can't hear them.

Yeah, yeah, I know. That sounds really harsh. But you do it, too, so get off my back.

So I pass the homeless guy, and I'm thinking about work stuff, not really even paying attention to what song is playing. Then it hits me. I'm listening to "Another Day in Paradise" by Phil Collins.

Once the truly ugly irony of the situation clicked, my conscience pushed his way to the front of my brain, gave me a really disgusted look, and said, "Seriously? I mean...fucking seriously? Next, I suppose you'll be flying over to Ethiopia and stepping over famine victims while listening to 'We Are The World'?"

I hate it when my conscience gets like that, so I turned around and gave the guy a couple of bucks.

So here's my plan to solve homelessness: If we could just install speakers on every street corner, and blanket the city with that song during the morning and evening rush hours (I mean, really blast it, so there's no escape), I think people would become more generous. A lot more generous. Because it's physically impossible to hear that song and not feel guilty.

It wouldn't be long before homeless people started clearing $40-$50 grand a year, easy. At which point they could then afford homes. True, they'd still have to hit the streets every day in order to maintain that lifestyle, but at least they'd have somewhere to sleep at night.

Once word got out, we'd undoubtedly have homeless people from all over the nation flock to D.C. Which means--that's right!--we'd be able to help that many more people! The sidewalks would be full of them. You wouldn't be able to take two steps without bumping into a homeless person. Or, to put it another way, you wouldn't be able to take two steps without bumping into an opportunity to make a difference. And as an added bonus, while you're making that difference, you'll be grooving to Mr. Phil Collins. What could be better?

Now, I want to make it clear that I don't expect or want any praise for this plan. No sort of medal or commendation. I don't need Mayor Fenty calling me a hero at a gala celebration in my honor, or to be named as Washingtonian Of The Year or anything. And I'd like to head off any possible Nobel Prize campaign before it gets started.

Hey, I'm just doing my part. No big deal.

Week three NFL playoff picks

3-1 last week; 132-115 for the season

New York Giants at Green Bay (-7): Green Bay

San Diego at New England (-14): New England

(Insert Bad News Here)!

I can't help but feel that the exclamation point is a bit unnecessary. I guess if we were a community of Quakers, the idea of women being attacked would be so shocking that it might require some extra emphasis. But in D.C.?

There are really only two reasons to have gone with the exclamation point, here. The first is to connotate glee or excitement, as they would with graphics such as, "Redskins Win!" or "World Peace Declared!" But I'm going to give WTTG and Brian Bolter the benefit of the doubt, and assume that they are, in fact, not gleeful or excited over women being attacked.

The second reason is that weird human desire to be the one to breathlessly inform others that something horrible has happened. And this one I will hang on WTTG and Brian Bolter, because if there's one thing WTTG and Brian Bolter love doing, it's delivering bad news. Whether it's about women being attacked, some new medical problem, or the old Fox stand-by, the threat of terrorism, if it's something that could conceivably kill, maim, or frighten you or your family, WTTG is all over it.

Hooray, local news! Once again, you've found the lowest common denominator of journalism, and somehow spun straw into gold.

Dating for D.C. Dummies

I was really glad to see this week's Date Lab. With the past few, I've mostly been bashing the women, and it was starting to feel a tad misogynistic. So it's good to see that there are still guys out there with personality defects.

Alfred: Oh, my gosh, she was hot! First of all, I was very impressed that all of her teeth were there and pearly white. And she didn't have a weave, from what I saw.

Uh, dude? When you're 26 and you're impressed that your date has all her teeth, it might be time to reevaluate the social circles you run in.

I was flustered by the wine list, which was 15 or 20 pages long, so I asked her to choose.

I don't get guys who are intimidated by wine lists, whether it's at Proof or TGIFriday's. I'm not saying you have to be Paul Giamatti in Sideways. (In fact, it's best if you're not, as hardcore wine aficionados are a pretty contemptible bunch.) But for God's sake, man, know how to order a bottle of cabernet sauvignon.

Hey, don't get me wrong, I often wish we lived in a world where it'd be possible to get by only drinking beer, and maybe the occasional mixed drink. Unfortunately, chicks like wine. What are you going to do?

She did say she couldn't date a guy unless he had a college education. [That] bothered me, actually. I went to college -- I just don't discount someone who might be quality unless I know the whole story.

Whatever. Look, it's D.C. If she didn't ask you your annual salary, to take a look at the names in your Blackberry, or what your five year plan is, it's not worth getting worked up over.

At one point, I made up an impromptu rap about how I can't dance.

In my experience, anyone who lays down rules for dating is typically full of shit. But seriously, here's a rule for dating: Unless you are a rapper, do not rap. And even then, ask yourself first, "Is this really a good idea?"

But when [the bill] came, he wanted to dispute it. It was $36 over our $125 limit, which is nothing. Alfred: I work in the accounting business! I don't understand reckless charges, and I never did figure out why there was a handwritten number on the bill. She offered to split the $36, so I jumped on it. I was relieved not to have the money come out of my pocket.

Sigh. Okay.

Look, if we're being totally honest, here, in this age of supposed gender equality, the whole "the guy always pays on a date" business is total bullshit. It's like how people say "bless you" after someone sneezes. There's no rational reason for it whatsoever. If you were to corner a woman and ask her to explain why a guy should pay for a date, she would likely say something about it being "old fashioned" or "that's just the way it is." Which, of course, is not at all a satisfying answer.

Unfortunately, it is old-fashioned and it is just the way it is. So as a guy, you only have two options: go with the flow or be seen as a cheap-ass.

Maybe if Hillary gets into office, we'll see a second suffrage movement, where women demand that men remove the final yoke of oppression by allowing them to pay for their own meals while on a date. But until that happens, just fucking pay, huh?

"Remember back in 2008 when Metro fares were under ten dollars? Good times."

The new Metro cars are here! Well, they will be in five years, anyway. If we get money from the federal government. But hey, who cares about any of that? They're here and judging by the pictures, they'll be pretty sweet.

However, reading the article, there are a lot of words and phrases that sort of jump out at me:

"shiny, stainless-steel exteriors"

"ergonomic seats"

"interactive, high-tech maps"

"so technologically advanced that they would not be compatible with Metro's existing cars"

"The new technology is 'five or six grades' above Metro's newest cars"

"high-tech monitors in the cars to display news"

Also, they might be changing the current Metro logo, which will require "weeks of discussion."

You know what that all adds up to? Money. Lots of it. A shitload of it, to use the precise economic term.

And when you consider that the fare hike this month is to get Metro out of the red, not actually improve current service in any way, it really makes you wonder where they're going to find the money for all these rail cars that seem to do everything but shoot lasers and fly to the moon. Sure, some of it will come from the feds. But I get the feeling that a lot of it will be coming from us for years to come. (As will money for the inevitable consultants and employee bonuses. Go ahead and build that lake house, John Catoe! You deserve it!) It seems likely that it won't be too long before we're wistfully looking back on the days when fare increases only came in 30¢ increments.

On the plus side, looking at the new cars, I really don't think we'll miss carpeting as much as we seem to think we will. Well, at least until someone slips on the slick floors of the new cars and cracks her head open. I'm going to go ahead and pencil in a blog post on that danger for sometime in 2013.

Week two NFL playoff picks

2-2 last week; 129-114 for the season

Seattle at Green Bay (-8.5): Green Bay

Jacksonville at New England (-11.5): Jacksonville

San Diego at Indianapolis (-8): Indianapolis

New York Giants at Dalls (-7.5): New York Giants

Google stalking

When I'm bored at work (as I am now), I basically have four options:

1) Surf the Internet
2) Tetris
3) Write something for the blog
4) Google stalk someone

Google stalking is great, as you get the thrill of stalking without breaking the law or feeling overly-creepy. Because there's a big difference between looking up information on someone online and, say, following them in your car or lurking outside their home. Don't ask me what that difference is. Just...take my word that it exists, okay?

Recently, I've been running down the list of old high school classmates. The ones I liked, I obviously hope they did well. The ones I hated, I naturally hope to find something embarrassing on. Ideally, an arrest would be involved. Not for anything major, like rape or murder. More like cute, fun stuff, like solicitation, or DUI, or possession with intent to distribute. That sort of thing. And of course, I think we can all agree that the absolute best would be finding out that someone you used to know got busted on one of those "To Catch A Predator" specials on Dateline.

Unfortunately, I've been thwarted in this, as my classmates all seem to have gone on to lead mostly productive and law-abiding lives. MySpace pages and a couple of blogs are really about as exciting as it gets, at least in terms of information available online.

Then there's this one classmate. When I did a search on him, you know what I came up with?

Nothing. Zilch. Zero. "Your search did not match any documents."

Now, I know a bit about this guy. I know where he went to college. I know which company he works for (or did work for as of a couple of years ago). And I know I'm spelling his name right.

So how does someone not even exist, as far as Google is concerned? How is that even possible? It's a fairly unique name, so it's not like I'm expecting a million hits. But nothing at all?

This is straight out of Men In Black. I'd almost suspect he joined the CIA, except that I think the past few years have proven the CIA isn't anywhere near efficient enough to pull something like this off.

It's just weird. And creepy. MUCH weirder and creepier than stalking people online, in case you were thinking otherwise.

The Disney "magic"

In the past, the only good thing about commercials for Disney World is that they tend to disappear fairly quickly and get replaced by something else. They come, they annoy, and then they go away, and the cycle begins anew. But they've been playing one commercial over and over for what seems like forever, though I guess in reality, it's probably closer to 2 years.

It's the one where a boy and a girl are asleep upstairs, while their parents are looking on the Internet for vacation packages.

THEN THE MAGIC BEGINS!!!

A horse-drawn carriage approaches their home! Tinkerbell flies into the boy's room and spreads fairy dust! The children wake up and look out the window all excited as the carriage pulls up right outside their front door! The parents decide they can swing $1,600! The whole family goes outside to greet the carriage!

(Of course, the disclaimer at the bottom of the screen, which says the $1,600 price "excludes peak, summer and holiday seasons," detracts from the magic a bit. I hope that family enjoys Orlando in January.)

Anyway, the commercial ostensibly ends with the family being whisked away for a fun-filled Disney vacation, where they have the time of their lives. But I hate the commercial so much, I've been thinking up new endings:

1) Just as they're about to leave, the hospital calls and says the dad's test results came back positive. He has less than a year to live, and the insurance company refuses to pay for the experimental treatment that might save his life. His medical care will eat up that $1,600 a hundred times over, so the carriage heads back to Disney World without the family. The kids start to cry. Is it because dad's dying or because they don't get to go to Disney World? The dad can't be sure.

2) The family arrives at Disney, but quickly discovers that when you opt for the cheapest vacation package, you get what you pay for:

- They're put up in the worst of the Disney hotels, which has cockroaches and smells like pesticide and baby vomit.

- The bad news is that they only get one day inside the Magic Kingdom. The worse news is that they have to spend the other four days at Epcot.

- After they factor in the cost of food, renting a car, and souvenirs, that $1,600 is more like $2,500. Sorry, kids, that trip just became your Christmas present.

3) The kids hop into the carriage. But just as the parents are about to join them, the carriage speeds off down the street, leaving them behind. A week later, the children's dismembered bodies are found in the woods. When asked for comment, a Disney spokesperson says, "Of course we don't send horse-drawn carriages to bring people to Disney World. That's insane. How stupid and irresponsible were these parents to just let their kids get inside? If anything, we should be suing them."

The Awesome Room

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

DC’s Most Innovative Comedians Are Breaking the Mold in Silver Spring

THE AWESOME ROOM IS A NEW ALTERNATIVE COMEDY SHOWCASE FEATURING HILARIOUS, ORIGINAL PERFORMANCES IN A FORMAT INSPIRED BY FAMOUS VENUES IN NY, LA, AND CHICAGO.

January 31^st, 2008 (Silver Spring, MD): The Awesome Room is a two hour comedy showcase founded by comedian Jake Young based on two principles: 1,The traditional standup show format is stale and confining to young performers. 2, Audiences will enjoy an affordable, stimulating, and accessible live comedy show, you just have to let ‘em find it.

WHO: First show will feature: Local vanguards Seaton Smith, Larry Poon and Hampton Yount, also performing are underground phenoms Leslie Cooley and Jordan Owens. Plus a secret musical guest.

WHAT: Alternative Comedy Showcase, only $4.

WHEN: Last Thursday of every month, 9pm-11pm, Starting Jan. 31^st.

WHERE: McGinty’s Public House, 911 Ellsworth Dr Silver Spring, MD 20910.

Just a 5 minute walk from the Silver Spring Metro, bountiful free parking available.

For More Information, Contact Jake Young (914) 261-6911, jake@theawesomeroom.com. Or Visit the Website www.theawesomeroom.com. Also worth noting is the Official Facebook Group (requires login to Facebook.com). Jake Young is a NY-born comedian who fell in love with the talent/variety of the local DC comedy scene while attending GWU, he currently lives in Silver Spring and has been featured at the Improv, on XM radio, and briefly on “Beauty and the Geek”. He is also a member of The Geek Comedy Tour 3000.

Hit the road, Joe

Redskins coach Joe Gibbs is resigning, according to Redskins sources. The team is planning a press conference this afternoon to discuss the Hall of Famer's decision to leave as both coach and team president. (Washington Post)

Wow. Deja vu. I hope this doesn't mean Richie Pettibone thinks he's getting the job again.

The thing is, I wish I could say I was sorry Gibbs is going. I really, really do. Ever since I heard the news, I've been trying to work up even a tiny bit of irritation or righteous indignation that he's leaving just when things were finally starting to click, or at Dan Snyder for accepting his resignation instead of doing everything he possibly can to keep him. But the truth is, I don't care. I'm just relieved this disappointing era of Redskins football is finally over. If nothing else, it'll be nice having a coach we can really unload on if next season goes badly, without feeling guilty because he's a beloved local hero.

And you know what, Dan? If you had any convictions whatsoever, you'd also resign. After all, since you refuse to hire a real GM, that makes you the de facto one, so you bear just as much responsibility as Gibbs for the past few disappointing seasons. Don't try blaming Vinny, either. Everyone knows he's just your puppet. So go on. For once in your life, do the right thing, show some solidarity with Gibbs, and announce that you're leaving, too, and will be putting the team up for sale. Do it. I dare you.

No? Okay. Worth a try.

Corner Gas

Like all right-thinking Americans, I despise Canada, and can't wait for the day we send the tanks in. They think they're so much better than us, what with their national health care system, legalized gambling, and ample supply of absinthe and Cuban cigars. Well, they won't be laughing when we're rolling through their country, state by state. Er...province by province. Whatever.

But the so-called Great White North might have earned a reprieve with Corner Gas, a show I didn't even know existed a couple of weeks ago, but have now become completely and utterly obsessed with.

It's sort of like Northern Exposure, except without the snow or whiny doctor. In terms of structure, it has a lot in common with shows like Arrested Development and 30 Rock.

WGN (that station in Chicago that used to run The Bozo Show, but then cruelly cancelled it, destroying my dream of one day playing the Grand Prize Game, even if I was too old by that point to be on the show, anyway) airs two episodes every Wednesday night at 8, as well as an episode most nights at midnight. I knew I was developing an unhealthy fixation on the show when I found myself staying up to watch the midnight episode instead of just recording it and watching it the next day.

Were I to make a list of where Corner Gas ranks in regards to Canada's contributions to the arts, I'd put it a distant second after The Kids in the Hall, but much, much higher than any of the other Canadian shows that have filtered down here over the years. It might be about even with You Can't Do That On Television, which, of course, was required viewing for any kid who grew up in the 80s.

Anyway, I have no idea how long my Corner Gas obsession will last, so I want to take full advantage of it while it's here. If any of my Canadian neighbors--sorry, neighbours--here in D.C. have a club or something, where you watch the show, perhaps over some trout and Labatt Blue, and then dissect and debate it (i.e., "Brent and Lacey: Perfect couple or better off friends?" or "Shouldn't Karen be running the Dog River PD instead of Davis? I mean, honestly."), let me know, eh?

Also, I really think the Canadian embassy should be working on getting D.C. to declare a Corner Gas Day, where we fly the cast in and Fenty gives them keys to the city. Maybe they could even film an episode here. The show's huge in Canada. Think of how many Canadian tourist dollars we'd bring in if D.C. became the Corner Gas capital of the United States.

The show's really just phenomenal, and even though I hate speaking in absolutes, I feel extremely confident in saying that if you don't watch it, there's a good chance you're retarded. I'm sorry, but...there it is. And if you watch it and don't like it for whatever reason, you might as well go ahead and join al Qaeda, because you clearly hate God and freedom.

I'd also just like to point out that I never would have discovered Corner Gas if I hadn't been watching a 24 season five marathon on WGN, proving once and for all that the fifth season of 24 really is the greatest thing EVER.

Redskins wrap-up

Well, when you have no real business being in the playoffs in the first place, I guess you can't get too upset when you don't progress very far.

On the other hand, the whole game turned on that first interception that Collins threw that was run back for a touchdown, which is pretty much the worst way possible to lose. (It really hurts that I actually have to specify which interception Collins threw that was run back for a touchdown.)

Before that, I really think the Redskins had it in the bag. Even with the missed field goal (don't feel bad, Shaun, as a Redskins kicker, you're practically expected to blow the big kicks) and Seahawks touchdown, it seemed like they still had momentum on their side, and all they had to do was march down the field by running the ball and throwing the short passes that Collins is really good at. Instead, after a season of underachieving, the Redskins picked yesterday to suddenly get ambitious. Ah, well.

Finally, have we ever won a game where Tom Cruise was in Snyder's box? If we're looking for easy fixes for next season, that seems like a good one.

Now that the Redskins are out, here's who I'm rooting for, in order:

AFC: Colts, Patriots, Jaguars, Chargers, Titans
NFC: Packers, Seahawks, Buccaneers, Giants, Cowboys

Week one NFL playoff picks

12-4 last week; 127-112 for the season

Washington at Seattle (-3.5): Washington

Jacksonville at Pittsburgh (+2.5): Jacksonville

New York Giants at Tampa Bay (-3): New York Giants

Tennessee at San Diego (-10): Tennessee

Team of destiny or density?

Two years ago, when the Redskins made the playoffs after a surprising five game winning streak, it seemed like we were just happy to be there. That while it was a validation of Joe Gibbs's coaching style, it was still a rebuilding year. Naturally, everyone went wild when we beat Tampa Bay, but when we lost to Seattle in the second round by a not-unrespectable 10 points, it seemed like the collective response was, "Well, we had a good run. But on the bright side, Brunell and Portis are going to be fucking awesome next year!"

This time around, even though the Redskins barely made the playoffs and are the underdogs going into the exact same stadium they lost in two years ago, everyone seems to be a lot more optimistic, almost inappropriately so.

Consider:

- Fans and local media are inexplicably talking Super Bowl. Hey, way to jinx us, guys. Even if you're a Pats fan, until you get past the first round of the playoffs, you shouldn't even say the words. It really is an affront to God.

-Until yesterday, people were seriously suggesting Gibbs be named Coach of the Year. I get the Gibbs love (even if we were about ready to string him up just a few weeks ago), but A) Bill Belichick just led the Patriots to a 16-0 season, and B) Coaches with 9-7 teams who call double timeouts and cause their team to lose, aren't allowed to be Coach of the Year.

- The phrase, "The Redskins are the hottest team in the NFC," is now everywhere, and has replaced, "The Redskins control their own destiny" as the most annoying phrase in sports.

- While the whole Sean Taylor angle may make the Redskins the sentimental favorite, just ask the Saints how much good being the sentimental favorite did them in the playoffs last year.

So everyone fucking relax, already, will you? At least wait until after the Seahawks game. Otherwise, when Portis fumbles ten times, Collins throws his 36-year old back out, and Gibbs discovers some new penalty to commit, you'll have no one to blame but yourselves.

Best and Worst of 2007: Comics

Best:

5. World War Hulk (Marvel)

We're not exactly talking about deep storytelling, and the ending was a bit of a letdown, but seeing the Hulk justifiably kick the living hell out of the people who screwed him over (not to mention, anyone and anything else that got in his way) was nothing short of awesome.

4. Detective Comics (DC)

Like all comic book franchises, the Bat-books go through a regular boom-or-bust cycle. Having suffered through an especially painful bust period in 2005 and 2006, they rebounded with Grant Morrison writing Batman and Paul Dini on Detective. Batman has been decent (though, not nearly as good as I think people expected), but Dini's been knocking it out of the park with almost every issue.

3. Zombies vs. Robots (IDW)

It doesn't happen often these days, but every now and then, someone remembers that comics are supposed to be fun. And it's hard to think of anything as much fun as this series was. The follow-up, Zombies vs. Robots vs. Amazons, looks just as good.

2. The Boys (Dynamite)

In an odd twist, what could have been just another passive-aggressive swipe at superheroes by Garth Ennis, somehow managed to become one of the few can't-miss superhero books out there. Like almost everything Ennis writes, it's violent, it's funny, it's unapologetic, it's genius.

And a big shout-out to Dynamite for rescuing the series after DC got too uncomfortable with its subject matter and unceremoniously cancelled it. (Come on, like Batman, Robin, and Catwoman haven't had the occasional threesome in the Batcave.)

1. Green Lantern (DC)

Usually, DC reserves its really important, epic stories for some big summer crossover that forces you to buy a lot of comics you don't really want, so I have no idea how Geoff Johns was able to sneak "The Sinestro Corps" storyline in under the radar. But I'm glad he did, because this is arguably one of the best superhero stories ever published.


Worst:

5. She-Hulk (Marvel)

I don't think I've ever seen a series go downhill as dramatically as this one did. It started out a couple of years ago with a smart, unique concept: a superhero attorney working at a law firm specializing in cases involving superheroes, aliens, magic, and all around weirdness. And it was phenomenal. Then over the past year or so, former writer Dan Slott deemphasized almost all of the elements that made it great, and current writer Peter David (who I usually love, but not here) jettisoned them altogether. And with them, me as a reader.

4. The Ultimates 3 (Marvel)

Granted, it's only been one issue, but its inclusion here is a reflection of how bad that one issue was. Maybe it wouldn't have been quite so painful if it wasn't following up the fantastic Ultimates and not-quite-as-good-but-still-pretty-darn-neat Ultimates 2, but, well...

Ever get nostalgic for the really bad comics of the early 90s, with their awful plotting, nonsensical action scenes, and horrible dialogue? This book's for you.

3. The Spider-Man books (Marvel)

So Marvel decided that Peter and Mary Jane shouldn't be married anymore. Okay, fair enough. There are dozens of ways they could have handled this. Real death, fake death, divorce, kidnapping, revealing that MJ has been a Skrull this entire time, revealing that MJ has been a man this entire time, Superboy punching reality (whoops, sorry, that's DC's idiotic way of fixing inconvenient continuity), etc. Instead, they just decided to make everyone forget they were married in the first place. Weak.

2. World War III (DC)

What was promoted as a major event that would have a big impact on 52 and the DCU in general, turned out to just be an extended fight scene that was as boring as it was meaningless. Even more annoying, by releasing all four issues on the same day, DC made sure that they had all your money before you realized you'd been had.

1. Countdown and its (many, many) spin-offs (DC)

I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that Countdown may well be the biggest train wreck in comic book history.

It's not just the consistent bad writing, or the numerous continuity errors, or the fact that they're trying to stretch maybe 12 issues' worth of story into 52. It's also the sheer greed on DC's part, which almost seems to border on hatred for its own customers. With the regular book and its various spin-offs (some of which are only tangently connected to the plot, at best), it would cost well over $300 for someone to read everything Countdown-related. When the cost of following a complete storyline is the same as a low-end computer, something has gone horribly wrong. Thank God for BitTorrent.


Disclaimer: This list obviously consists mainly of superhero books. There are plenty of mature comics out there that are just as good or better than these. But since I tend to wait until they're released as TPB collections to read them, I have no idea how good or bad they've been as of late, so I decided not to include them.

But here are what I think are the five current best mature books out there:

Casanova (Image)
DMZ (Vertigo)
Ex Machina (Wildstorm)
The Exterminators (Vertigo)
Jack of Fables (Vertigo)

Best and Worst 2007: TV

Best:

5. Attack of the Show

During some segments (especially the ones featuring supposedly hilarious YouTube clips), I make liberal use of the fast forward button, but I still watch the show almost every day. It has the most comprehensive pop/geek culture discussion on television, and there's been a sharp upswing in the quality of the comedy bits in the past few months. Plus, because it's live TV, you never know when something like this might happen:

http://view.break.com/389460 - Watch more free videos

4. How I Met Your Mother

It may not be a show that's constantly laugh-out-loud funny (although, it has its moments), but the writing is incredibly clever, and the characters are great. The fact that it came so close to being cancelled after last season is truly a sad commentary on the viewing habits of America. Speaking of which...

3. Journeyman

Way to go, people. Of all the really bad new shows this season, this is the one you choose to shun? And why the hell didn't my fellow geeks have my back on this? They finally put a well-written, intelligent sci fi show on network television, and you all were doing what, exactly? I hope all that time you logged playing World of Warcraft instead of watching this show was worth it, nimrods.

2. 30 Rock

Funniest show on television. Everyone (like myself) who initially blew this off thinking that Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip is where all the action would be, should send Tina Fey a dollar.

1. Dexter

It seems like the more off-kilter a show's concept, the harder it is for it to replicate the success it had in its first season. So I sort of figured Dexter was due for a dip in quality. Instead, it actually got better. Not only was Doakes a more interesting nemesis than the Ice Truck Killer, but seeing Dexter try and keep one step ahead of the FBI made sure that there weren't nearly as many slow moments as last season. Incredible stuff. Screw HBO.


Worst:

5. Boston Legal

I really used to love this show. You know, back when it used to be about fascinating legal issues and stirring courtroom speeches. Now it's all about pushing some really annoying pinko liberal agenda every week. And this is coming from a pinko liberal. Even Denny sucks now. Do you have any idea how hard you have to work to make Denny Crane suck?

4. 24

I've been trying to think of one good thing about last season. Just one. And the only thing I was able to come up with is that it ended with Audrey as a borderline vegetable. Other than that, it was a veritable symphony of awfulness. Jack's annoying family, especially that nephew/son, who just wouldn't die no matter how much we wished for it. Curtis going out like a bitch. Chloe being nice to people. Yet another invasion of CTU. An embarrassingly low body count. The list goes on. And on, and on...

3. Bionic Woman

Geeks are an easy lot for Hollywood to pander to. Put a hot chick on a sci fi show, chances are, we'll come running. Give her superpowers, and we'll come running and drooling. But come on. We do have our limits. The show has to be at least sort of good.

2. John From Cincinnati

I didn't understand this show. I mean, I got that it was some sort of weird biblical allegory, but that's about it. At first I felt dumb, but then it became apparent that no one else in America got it, either. So either I'm smart and it's the show that was dumb, or else the show was smart and everyone else is as dumb as I am. Either way, I win! (Again, screw HBO.)

1. Flash Gordon

Did someone at the Sci Fi Channel lose a bet? Or is this the result of some sort of program that gave...well, let's say "special" people...the opportunity to make a TV show? Because it really, really fucking sucks.

Best and Worst of 2007: Movies

Best:

5. Hot Fuzz

I've always thought Shaun of the Dead is somewhat overrated. Not a bad film by any means, but not nearly as great as people seem to think. Hot Fuzz is a thousand times better, and proves once and for all that the British really do know how to be funny. (Benny Hill and Mr. Bean would indicate otherwise.)

4. Stardust

You have to be a really heartless bastard not to love this film. It's unfair that almost every review I read compared it unfavorably to The Princess Bride, as if there's only room for one fantasy romantic comedy in all of film history. Plus, it has De Niro playing a crossdressing pirate on a flying ship. Did the fucking Princess Bride? No? Okay then.

3. Superbad

I was flipping around last week, and landed on Police Academy 4. I was horrified to see that it was rated PG, something I'd never noticed before. Not even PG-13, for Christ's sake. PG for "mild profanity." Meanwhile, the first one practically reveled in profanity and tits. And don't even get me started on the made-for-TV Revenge of the Nerds sequels.

The reason I bring this up is because if it were still the 80s, Superbad 2 would already be in production, only it would be rated PG-13 in order to sell more tickets. Then someone would come up with the idea of making a Superbad TV show. With a laugh track. Maybe even a Saturday morning cartoon. And yet another great raunchy American comedy would have been ruined.

All of which is to say, I'm glad the 80s are over and if there is a Superbad 2, it'll probably be as awesome as this was.

2. No Country For Old Men

Not my favorite Cohen Brothers film, but it's up there. In the very least, it's definitely their best-looking film. There were plenty of twists I didn't see coming, and Javier Bardem plays the best movie psychopath since Silence of the Lambs. I wish I had an air gun. I don't know what I'd use it for, but I want one.

1. The Bourne Ultimatum

Maybe the greatest action film since Die Hard. Like with all action movies, there are a couple of parts where you have to turn off your brain, and the revelation of Bourne's real identity is a bit anti-climactic. But really, this movie is all about Jason Bourne beating the shit out of people with his fists and his mind (and a towel), and in that regard, it's almost flawless.


Worst:

5. Primeval

Lamest killer crocodile movie ever. And what happened to Orlando Jones's career? He deserves better than playing second banana to the guy from Prison Break in something like this. I know Evolution wasn't the greatest film in the world, but it wasn't so bad that Jones should have his movie star privileges taken away.

4. National Treasure: Book of Secrets

I loved the first one. It was just the right level of dumb. It was like The Da Vinci Code for people who were too lazy to pay attention in high school. Unfortunately, this one takes the dumbness too far, to the point where even my intelligence felt insulted. It's just one stupid action movie cliche after another, there's no problem that can't be fixed by hacking into a computer, and the climax is almost exactly the same as the first one. Hopefully, they'll get back on track with the inevitable third installment, but I'm not holding my breath.

3. Spider-Man 3

I don't get it. How did they go from a good movie (Spider-Man) to a great one (Spider-Man 2) to this? The movie is bad enough on its own, but when you consider that this is the the one with fucking Venom in it, the one fanboys have been waiting for, the one the filmmakers shouldn't possibly have been able to screw up, it has to be considered an even bigger waste.

2. The Number 23

One of the most idiotic, convoluted pieces of shit ever to be filmed. And I guarantee that when the writer was working on the script, he thought it was a deep work of unparalleled genius. Also, it's hard to believe that at one point, Jim Carrey was the biggest movie star in the world. Yeah, the first Ace Ventura was funny and all, but what were we thinking?

1. Dragon Wars

I'll be honest, I didn't see this one, nor do I ever plan to. But the previews were so offensive that it surely must be the worst film of the year, and perhaps any year. When a movie looks like it ought to be premiering on the Sci Fi Channel on a Saturday night, it shouldn't be released to theaters.