Guest blogger Dan Snyder

I wish you people would make up your damn minds.

For years, I've been criticized (persecuted, really) for rushing into hasty personnel moves when it comes to the Redskins. Jeff George. Deion Sanders. Steve Spurrier. And so on. So when I kicked Joe Gibbs' liver spotted ass to the curb...I mean, when Joe Gibbs opted to step down in spite of my best efforts to persuade him to stay...I decided to take my time in choosing his replacement.

I thought about Gregg Williams, but the 72-hour interview Vinny and I had with him at my home didn't go that well, and frankly, that extra "g" freaks me the fuck out. In civilized society, you just don't go around adding extra letters to your name.

Next, I interviewed Steve Spagnola. But in the end, I decided that he simply wasn't Redskins material. Any stories you might hear about my offering him the job; him turning it down; my getting down on my hands and knees and begging him to take it; him saying, "Good God, man, you're embarrassing yourself"; my offering him the use of any Redskinette he wanted for the night (or Vinny, if he swung that way); and Spagnola leaving in disgust, are completely untrue. Spagnola's nothing but a filthy liar.

Then I was all set to hire Jim Fassel. But no. As soon as the fans heard about it, you screamed bloody murder. You'd think I was going to name O.J. the new head coach or something. (Funny story: the day after O.J. got busted in Vegas, he was supposed to fly to Ashburn and interview to become the new head coach. Hey, don't judge me. The man may have killed his wife and that other guy, but he knows football.) The negative posts on ExtremeSkins.com were coming in so fast and furious, I was having trouble deleting them all.

So finally...finally...like, about a week before the season started, I decided to promote Jim Zorn from offensive coordinator (a job for which he had zero experience) to head coach (a job for which, if possible, he had even less experience). Maybe it was because I had a funny feeling that this guy was special. Maybe it was because every other coaching candidate I pursued turned me down flat. Who can say? But I made the move, and predictably, the fans once again started their bitching and moaning.

Then a funny thing happened. We started winning. After Week 8, we were 6-2, having beaten Dallas and Philly away. Everyone was happy. People were stopping me in the street to apologize for ever doubting me. Not just about Zorn, but for everything. My weekly death threat tally hit an all-time low. It was great.

Then a not-so-funny thing happened. We started losing. Bad. The past two months have been the worst of my life. We barely beat Detroit and Seattle. We lost to St. Louis and Cincinnati. Ed Reed essentially beat us all on his own in Baltimore. The whole Clinton Portis fiasco. Falling out of playoff contention. It's been terrible. And all of a sudden, shocker, you people are complaining again.

But there is a light at the end of the tunnel, Redskins fans. I think I know the one thing that will shut you up once and for all. And his name is Bill Cowher.

Conventional wisdom says he'd never take the job, because of my reputation as a micromanager. But I'll get him. And you know what? I'll tame him. I'll take a respected Super Bowl-winning coach, and by God, I'll turn him into another toadying yes-man, just like I did with Gibbs. Because that's how I roll.

There is a problem, though. Considering that no one picked us to go to the playoffs in the first place, if I fire Zorn after an 8-8 or 9-7 season, the PR backlash will be brutal. All the old criticisms about how I'm this impatient, demanding jerk who treats the Redskins like a fantasy team will resurface. So that's where you, the Redskins faithful, come in.

I need each fan to send a letter to Redskins Park requesting...nay, demanding...that I fire Jim Zorn after this season. If I get a million such letters that I can show the media, well, what choice will I have in the matter? After all, a good owner listens to the fans. My hands will be tied. Then I'll bring in Cowher, and things will be better. Why, I wouldn't be surprised if we won ten Super Bowls in a row. Maybe even a hundred!

So what are you waiting for? Get writing!

(Also, if you could include $20 with your letter, that would be great. Cowher won't come cheap, and even I'm not immune from this horrible economy. Between the Redskins and my other business ventures, I'm barely making $100 million this year. Hell, for our annual Christmas in St. Barts, my family's actually having to stay at a five-star resort this year instead of our usual private villa. I wonder if I qualify for that welfare thing I hear so much about.)