Votin' Palin

Next week, America will choose its next president. If the polls are to be believed, most of you will be voting for Barack Obama. A slightly smaller group--but apparently, based on a lot of YouTube videos floating around, a much angrier and occasionally racist one--will be voting for John McCain.

Me? I'll be voting for Sarah Palin.

Now, I know what you're thinking. "Scotus, you asshole, you can't vote for Sarah Palin for president. She's running for vice president. Retard."

Technically, this is true. But let's face facts. Palin is devious, ambitious, and has shown a complete willingness to destroy anyone who gets in her way, be it woodland creature or fellow politician. This is not a woman who's going to wait around for eight years and hope that America will be in a mood to elect another Republican president. She'll find something on McCain and force him out within the first two years. So a vote for McCain is a vote for Palin.

But the real question is, why would I, a lifelong Democrat who's against pretty much everything McCain and Palin stand for, support her? Simple. If the Palins move here, D.C. is going to be fucking awesome. Yes, the economy will keep tanking. Our health care system won't get any better, and may well get even worse. And we'll probably end up going to war with Iran. But: Fucking. Awesome.

Here's why I want the Palins in D.C., and why you should, too.

1) Todd Palin: Wingman

Todd Palin is going to have a lot of free time on his hands. His wife is going to be traveling around the world attending state funerals, running the Senate, and avoiding questions from the liberal elite mainstream media. Meanwhile, all of Todd's buddies will be up in Alaska, and there isn't much snowmobiling to be done down here. So how will he deal with the boredom?

By being the best damn wingman you ever had, that's how. If you walk into a bar with Todd Palin, you're not going home alone. Women will be buying you drinks.

I figure it won't take long for him to assemble a new group of guy friends down here (which the press will no doubt dub "The Palin Posse" or "The Todd Squad") to hang out with. I don't know about you, but I plan on getting in on the ground floor.

2) Girls Gone Wild

Look at Track and Bristol Palin. Now think about what's going to happen with their sisters when there's even less parental supervision. In a few years, the Palin daughters are going to make the Bush twins look like those Little House on the Prairie kids.

3) Sex and the City

Contrary to what you may have heard, Sarah Palin will sleep with you. Yes, even you. That's a D.C. Universe guarantee.

4) Help the Local Economy

You know how every now and then, you'll be in Georgetown or Old Town and see a couple of black SUVs parked in front of a store and Secret Service agents milling around, and you'll think, "Holy shit, Laura Bush must be in there!" But then the protectee will come out, and you realize that it's just a visiting dignitary from Iraq or something?

Based on what we now know about Sarah Palin's voracious appetite for expensive clothes, it seems like it'll be impossible not to run into her on a regular basis while she's out shopping. Sarah Palin sightings will become as common as sightings of that guy who jogs backwards downtown, but more fun, because Sarah Palin is hot and will probably impart some folksy wisdom to you.

5) We'll All Be Hotter

When Sarah Palin becomes president, women across the city will adopt her look, which is scientifically proven to make a woman at least 25% more attractive.

Don't believe me? Look at Tina Fey as Liz Lemon:

Obviously, it's not an unattractive photo or anything, but look at Tina Fey as Sarah Palin:

See? Dramatic difference! At least 25% better looking. And with women across D.C. becoming hotter due to their Palin hair and short skirts, guys will have to keep up, lest we lose our females to all the Alaskans moving down here to work in cushy federal government jobs.

So vote wisely, people. Do you want Obama, with his message of change and hopefulness and all that crap, or do you want 8-16 years of awesome? Exactly. I'm glad we're on the same page.