Recently, I've declared the following new enemies: kids with cancer, kids trying to stay off the streets, military families, and last but not least, greedy corporations.
A couple of weeks ago, I went to Giant. After paying for my stuff, the clerk asked me if I wanted to donate a dollar to help cure children's cancer. Could I have said no? Sure. But when you're actually holding a wad of bills in your hand and someone asks if you want to donate a dollar to help cure children's cancer, I don't care if you believe in God or not, you instinctively know this is one of those moments that's going to decide whether you go to Heaven or Hell. So I forked over the dollar. In return, I got a stupid scratch-off ticket. More on that in a bit.
That night, I went to see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. After I paid for my ticket, the girl behind the counter asked me if I wanted to donate a dollar for the Boys and Girls Clubs of America. Honestly, I really didn't. I have no qualms whatsoever about blowing off kids who are cancer-free. But again, you're standing there with your change in your hand, and you feel like a douche saying no. So again, I paid my dollar and helped make the world a better place. In return, I got to write my name on a paper star, which was hung up in the box office, so everyone can see what a sucker I am. Hooray.
A few days ago, I went to Best Buy for a USB cable. I can't even remember the charity I was hit up for this time at the register. Something to do with military families. This time, I just said "No," grabbed my stuff, and left. What I wanted to say was, "Tell you what. Take a dollar out of the thirty-five bucks I just paid for a USB cable that probably cost fifty cents to manufacture, and donate that, you cheap fucks." But I settled for "No."
The more I've thought about this over the past few days, the angrier I've gotten. Whatever happened to the days when wealthy corporations donated their own money to good causes? Why are customers being asked to subsidize gifts to charity? (Not to mention the subsequent tax write-offs.) And you know it's only going to get worse. If we don't put a stop to this now, every company is going to start doing it.
When you go to the gas station, the screen at the pump will ask you if you want to donate a dollar to invest in alternative fuel research. And after just paying roughly $100 to fill your car up, you'll be thinking, "Fuck, yeah, I want to invest in alternative fuel research!" Of course, what the screen won't tell you is that "alternative fuel research" means paying lobbyists to try and get ANWR opened for drilling, or covering the cost of sending some executives to an ethanol conference in Europe on the company jet.
Or you'll be on a date with a girl, and when the waitress brings you the check, she'll ask if you want to donate a dollar to feed hungry children in Africa. Not only won't you be able to say no with your date watching you, but you'll probably have to give even more just so she doesn't think you're a prick.
Eventually, companies will just start treating donations like restaurants treat gratuities for large parties, and add it automatically. You'll check your receipt and notice a small charge of, say, five cents has been added without your knowledge. And you'll be annoyed, but you'll think, "Do I really want to make a scene over a nickle? A nickle that's going to fight AIDS?" So we'll just bend over and accept it.
Well, I'm taking a stand. No more corporately-funded charity for me. I don't care how good of a cause it is. Someone could stop me and say, "Hey, we're one dollar away from having enough money to wipe out poverty forever! Want to help out?" And I'm just going keep walking.
In fact, you know what? I've never been wild about charities in general. Every time I donate to one, I can't help but think that instead of actually furthering the cause I'm giving to, I've just helped buy a new leather office chair for the director. Also, I'm too lazy to declare donations on my taxes, so I really don't even get that benefit. So I think I'm just going to cut out charities altogether. For now, the only charity I'm going to be involved in is the, "Scotus Needs a New Laptop Fund," which is an excellent cause that everyone should donate to. Maybe I'll make a few paper stars, hang out in front of movie theaters, and offer people the chance to write their name on one for a buck. Apparently, people really go for that sort of thing.
Oh, about that scratch-off ticket from Giant. They've partnered up with the Children's Cancer Foundation, and are giving away at least $15,000 to people who match the right numbers on the ticket. This is retarded. The people at Giant don't even tell you about the scratch-off tickets ahead of time as an incentive to get you to donate. They just hand it to you afterwards. So what's the point of even doing it? And why give away $15,000 when you're ostensibly trying to make money?
And how much do you want to bet that if you have the winning ticket and you go to collect, they try and guilt you out of taking the money?
"Congratulations, sir! Just sign this and we'll get your check ready. You know, this comes out of the general charity fund. I guess you have to spend money to make money, but still. I think of all the kids it could help, and it just seems like a waste. See little Jimmy over there? We'll probably have to take him off life support tonight. You know, budget cuts. If only we could come up with...oh, I don't know...$10,000..."
A couple of weeks ago, I went to Giant. After paying for my stuff, the clerk asked me if I wanted to donate a dollar to help cure children's cancer. Could I have said no? Sure. But when you're actually holding a wad of bills in your hand and someone asks if you want to donate a dollar to help cure children's cancer, I don't care if you believe in God or not, you instinctively know this is one of those moments that's going to decide whether you go to Heaven or Hell. So I forked over the dollar. In return, I got a stupid scratch-off ticket. More on that in a bit.
That night, I went to see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. After I paid for my ticket, the girl behind the counter asked me if I wanted to donate a dollar for the Boys and Girls Clubs of America. Honestly, I really didn't. I have no qualms whatsoever about blowing off kids who are cancer-free. But again, you're standing there with your change in your hand, and you feel like a douche saying no. So again, I paid my dollar and helped make the world a better place. In return, I got to write my name on a paper star, which was hung up in the box office, so everyone can see what a sucker I am. Hooray.
A few days ago, I went to Best Buy for a USB cable. I can't even remember the charity I was hit up for this time at the register. Something to do with military families. This time, I just said "No," grabbed my stuff, and left. What I wanted to say was, "Tell you what. Take a dollar out of the thirty-five bucks I just paid for a USB cable that probably cost fifty cents to manufacture, and donate that, you cheap fucks." But I settled for "No."
The more I've thought about this over the past few days, the angrier I've gotten. Whatever happened to the days when wealthy corporations donated their own money to good causes? Why are customers being asked to subsidize gifts to charity? (Not to mention the subsequent tax write-offs.) And you know it's only going to get worse. If we don't put a stop to this now, every company is going to start doing it.
When you go to the gas station, the screen at the pump will ask you if you want to donate a dollar to invest in alternative fuel research. And after just paying roughly $100 to fill your car up, you'll be thinking, "Fuck, yeah, I want to invest in alternative fuel research!" Of course, what the screen won't tell you is that "alternative fuel research" means paying lobbyists to try and get ANWR opened for drilling, or covering the cost of sending some executives to an ethanol conference in Europe on the company jet.
Or you'll be on a date with a girl, and when the waitress brings you the check, she'll ask if you want to donate a dollar to feed hungry children in Africa. Not only won't you be able to say no with your date watching you, but you'll probably have to give even more just so she doesn't think you're a prick.
Eventually, companies will just start treating donations like restaurants treat gratuities for large parties, and add it automatically. You'll check your receipt and notice a small charge of, say, five cents has been added without your knowledge. And you'll be annoyed, but you'll think, "Do I really want to make a scene over a nickle? A nickle that's going to fight AIDS?" So we'll just bend over and accept it.
Well, I'm taking a stand. No more corporately-funded charity for me. I don't care how good of a cause it is. Someone could stop me and say, "Hey, we're one dollar away from having enough money to wipe out poverty forever! Want to help out?" And I'm just going keep walking.
In fact, you know what? I've never been wild about charities in general. Every time I donate to one, I can't help but think that instead of actually furthering the cause I'm giving to, I've just helped buy a new leather office chair for the director. Also, I'm too lazy to declare donations on my taxes, so I really don't even get that benefit. So I think I'm just going to cut out charities altogether. For now, the only charity I'm going to be involved in is the, "Scotus Needs a New Laptop Fund," which is an excellent cause that everyone should donate to. Maybe I'll make a few paper stars, hang out in front of movie theaters, and offer people the chance to write their name on one for a buck. Apparently, people really go for that sort of thing.
Oh, about that scratch-off ticket from Giant. They've partnered up with the Children's Cancer Foundation, and are giving away at least $15,000 to people who match the right numbers on the ticket. This is retarded. The people at Giant don't even tell you about the scratch-off tickets ahead of time as an incentive to get you to donate. They just hand it to you afterwards. So what's the point of even doing it? And why give away $15,000 when you're ostensibly trying to make money?
And how much do you want to bet that if you have the winning ticket and you go to collect, they try and guilt you out of taking the money?
"Congratulations, sir! Just sign this and we'll get your check ready. You know, this comes out of the general charity fund. I guess you have to spend money to make money, but still. I think of all the kids it could help, and it just seems like a waste. See little Jimmy over there? We'll probably have to take him off life support tonight. You know, budget cuts. If only we could come up with...oh, I don't know...$10,000..."
Fuck you, cancer kids! If I win, I'm keeping it!
Damn, those sure are some lucky kids. But I am taking that free Tylenol. If that means one of them has to go without, that's their problem.
8 comments:
If you ever come out with a "Best of the DC Universe" book, this post should be included.
HILARIOUS! I hate being hit up for a donation at the register - I usually just give them a blank stare and move on.
Having been a non-profit office manager, I can suggest looking for charities that have a Better Business Bureau designation. That means they keep their admin and fundraising expenses to a reasonable level (18 percent?).
Arjewtino: I've been trying to sell such a book, but I've been repeatedly told that not enough of my stuff meets the accepted definition of "Best Of."
Shannon: I'll try the blank stare next time. I wonder if I can get a BBB designation for when I'm hanging out at movie theaters trying to raise money for my charity. After all, my admin expenses will 0%, since I'll just steal any supplies I need from work.
Great post although I feel like I am totally going to go to Hell for enjoying it.
This is like those yellow rubber bracelets they sell at 7-11. 50 cents of it goes to some charity. So they spent the money to manufacture these bracelets when they could've just given all the money to the charity in the first place. I remember some clerk trying to sell me two different magazines at a movie store one night. When I turned them both down, she said, "What WOULD you like?". I told her I'd like to not be hard-sold after I've been standing in line at the cash register, and I'd like to not receive any more magazines in the mail. She told me it was my lucky day, since I was getting my wish.
I refuse to do those matching funds, buy this and we will give a dollar for every purchase you make. I think why don't they just give out of own pocket. I actually don't do any of those cash register charities.
The worst is when you're sitting at Chili's and they ask you to donate to children's cancer research as you're ordering your food. How am I supposed to enjoy my baby back ribs when I've just blown off cancer children? Don't worry, though -- I managed.
Do you backhand the girl scouts when they try to hawk their cookies, too?
If you do, can you teach me how? Those thin mints are nasty.
I totally caved at the Giant and wound up with a free flavored water.
Eh.
At least you got something to deal with the headache induced by the incident. Hm... coincidence?
Post a Comment