As someone who almost certainly has ADD, I'm always looking for ways to amuse myself on the Metro to and from work.
My iPod and the billion or so free newspapers available in D.C. help, but I still spend large portions of my commute just bored out of my skull. Even gawking at inappropriately dressed skinterns gets old after a while. (I saw a girl last week whose skirt was so short that when she got to work, she was either immediately sent home to change or immediately hired on the spot. When she got off at McPherson Square--and if Clinton were still in office, that would have been a great double entendre--you could hear about ten guys sharply exhale as they were finally able to stop sucking in their guts. I might have been one of them. But I digress.)
Fortunately, though, I've invented a new game which has brought me a fair amount of amusement over the past couple of weeks. I call it "Space Invader." Obviously, I'd run into problems if I tried to trademark the name, but that's okay, because I doubt there's really any money in it, anyway.
Here's how it works. When you get on the Metro (train or bus), look for the person who obviously doesn't want anyone sitting next to them. They'll either have their belongings on the seat beside them, or are just sitting in such a way that they take up more than one seat. Sit next to them, anyway. (Note: This only works if the train/bus is relatively full. If you try sitting next to someone when there are numerous empty seats available, the game completely loses its punch, because now you're the jerk.)
If the person acts like a human being and makes room for you, there's nowhere to go with it. If, however, he or she decides to be passive-aggressive and attempts to claim as much of the seat as possible, leaving you squished into a tiny space, it's game on.
Lean into the person as much as possible. Not quite to the point where it becomes overtly intrusive. Just to where they realize that you're not going to meekly jam yourself up against the arm rest, while they occupy 75% of the available space. And should they object to the unwanted physical contact, you can correctly point out that if they'd scoot the fuck over, there'd be more room. That's the brilliance of the game: You have the moral high ground.
I've played it about six times now, and I'm undefeated. Most cave within thirty seconds. Only two have given me any problems.
The first was clearly peeved about having to put a small piece of luggage on his lap so I could sit down, so he positioned the bag in such a way that it took up most of the seat. No problem. I just pressed the side of my arm firmly against it, so that when he tried to adjust it to get to something in his pocket, he was unable to do so. Eventually, he gave up and repositioned the bag on his lap so that we both had ample seat room.
The second was a girl who was splayed out at a 45 degree angle when I sat down, and showed no interest in making room for me. It was the tightest fit yet, but as I read the City Paper, I made sure that my right elbow was practically resting on her hip, and would occasionally dig into her when she shifted. She held out longer than anyone else, but eventually, she too moved over, and seat equality was achieved.
Now there are some common-sense rules to remember:
1) Avoid playing with an obese person, as they don't really have a whole lot of say over how much of the seat they take up.
2) Be mindful of the kind of person you choose to sit next to. The dude with the angry glare and MS-13 tattoo? Maybe not the best person to mess around with, moral high ground or not.
3) Finally, if you're a guy and the person in the seat next to you is a woman, you probably want to be careful of how much "leaning" you're doing. "I was playing Space Invader," likely won't be a successful defense should you end up in court.
Of course, as with most things in life, there is a much easier and more mature way of handling this sort of situation. If you're being squeezed on the Metro by the person sitting next to you, you could simply say, "Excuse me," and he'll probably just move over.
But again, as with most things in life, the more complex, less mature way of handling the situation is significantly more fun.
My iPod and the billion or so free newspapers available in D.C. help, but I still spend large portions of my commute just bored out of my skull. Even gawking at inappropriately dressed skinterns gets old after a while. (I saw a girl last week whose skirt was so short that when she got to work, she was either immediately sent home to change or immediately hired on the spot. When she got off at McPherson Square--and if Clinton were still in office, that would have been a great double entendre--you could hear about ten guys sharply exhale as they were finally able to stop sucking in their guts. I might have been one of them. But I digress.)
Fortunately, though, I've invented a new game which has brought me a fair amount of amusement over the past couple of weeks. I call it "Space Invader." Obviously, I'd run into problems if I tried to trademark the name, but that's okay, because I doubt there's really any money in it, anyway.
Here's how it works. When you get on the Metro (train or bus), look for the person who obviously doesn't want anyone sitting next to them. They'll either have their belongings on the seat beside them, or are just sitting in such a way that they take up more than one seat. Sit next to them, anyway. (Note: This only works if the train/bus is relatively full. If you try sitting next to someone when there are numerous empty seats available, the game completely loses its punch, because now you're the jerk.)
If the person acts like a human being and makes room for you, there's nowhere to go with it. If, however, he or she decides to be passive-aggressive and attempts to claim as much of the seat as possible, leaving you squished into a tiny space, it's game on.
Lean into the person as much as possible. Not quite to the point where it becomes overtly intrusive. Just to where they realize that you're not going to meekly jam yourself up against the arm rest, while they occupy 75% of the available space. And should they object to the unwanted physical contact, you can correctly point out that if they'd scoot the fuck over, there'd be more room. That's the brilliance of the game: You have the moral high ground.
I've played it about six times now, and I'm undefeated. Most cave within thirty seconds. Only two have given me any problems.
The first was clearly peeved about having to put a small piece of luggage on his lap so I could sit down, so he positioned the bag in such a way that it took up most of the seat. No problem. I just pressed the side of my arm firmly against it, so that when he tried to adjust it to get to something in his pocket, he was unable to do so. Eventually, he gave up and repositioned the bag on his lap so that we both had ample seat room.
The second was a girl who was splayed out at a 45 degree angle when I sat down, and showed no interest in making room for me. It was the tightest fit yet, but as I read the City Paper, I made sure that my right elbow was practically resting on her hip, and would occasionally dig into her when she shifted. She held out longer than anyone else, but eventually, she too moved over, and seat equality was achieved.
Now there are some common-sense rules to remember:
1) Avoid playing with an obese person, as they don't really have a whole lot of say over how much of the seat they take up.
2) Be mindful of the kind of person you choose to sit next to. The dude with the angry glare and MS-13 tattoo? Maybe not the best person to mess around with, moral high ground or not.
3) Finally, if you're a guy and the person in the seat next to you is a woman, you probably want to be careful of how much "leaning" you're doing. "I was playing Space Invader," likely won't be a successful defense should you end up in court.
Of course, as with most things in life, there is a much easier and more mature way of handling this sort of situation. If you're being squeezed on the Metro by the person sitting next to you, you could simply say, "Excuse me," and he'll probably just move over.
But again, as with most things in life, the more complex, less mature way of handling the situation is significantly more fun.
5 comments:
You could also yell at them. Nothing works better than screaming, "You're not in your own car!"
I'm with you. We were born with pointy elbows for a reason!
This game works great on airplanes, too!
I LOVE this! It reminds me of a game we used to play in college called "Eye Contact." There was no moral high ground to our game, though. Just the sheer pleasure of making a stranger uncomfortable :-)
I love it - I will be playing this on the VRE.....
for the MS-13 guy just throw up the devil horns and you are good to go - just kidding don't - he may stab you!
I always feel like fighting moral battles on public transportation. One time a woman on her cellphone was loudly berating and patronizing what could have been a poor little scared entry-level hard-worker (like myself! eek).
I day dreamed about telling her, once she hung up - and on my way out the train, so she would be forced to think about what I said without arguing with me...or okay, so I could run away after I said it - how unnecessarily rude she was being.
But I chickened out. Space Invaders sounds much more fun :)
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