Comic relief

Whenever the Washington Post starts tinkering with the Comics section, it's time to get nervous. In theory, this should not be the case. Because the ratio of chafe to wheat in the Post is so high, the opportunity to ditch one or more of the lamer strips in favor of something funny (and, dare I say even...hip?) should be a welcome one.

Unfortunately, the Post has a history of making poor decisions in this regard. I remember when I was about 10 or 11, being outraged when they cut Tank McNamara in one of their periodic purges. Now, I'm not going to claim that Tank McNamara is the epitome of comic strip hilarity, but considering the sheer glut of comics featuring kids, animals, kids and animals, animals and kids, and other themes that have been hashed and rehashed, dropping one of the few strips out there actually doing something original like lampooning sports was unforgivable. So I was really pleased a few weeks later when the Post announced that Tank was coming back, thanks to reader complaints.

More recently, the Post chose to drop Mary Worth. Normally, this is something I'd applaud, even though I had a soft spot for the old broad. But the problem is, they dumped Mary Worth while keeping all their other horrible serialized strips. Mark Trail? Prince Valiant? Judge Parker? The Amazing Spider-Man? Of all of them, Mary Worth was by far the least offensive.

In any case, with Doonesbury on hiatus, the Post is trying out a series of test strips. Since they're obviously not getting rid of Doonesbury, that means there's a possibility of them dropping another strip, and replacing it with something good. And contrary to the apparent belief of some newspapers, it is still possible to find good new comic strips in this day and age.

The Boondocks was easily the best strip to come out in the last twenty years or so, until Aaron McGruder unwisely decided to end it in favor of the far inferior TV series. Liberty Meadows was also really good, until Frank Cho quit. Right now, Get Fuzzy is probably the most consistently hilarious strip being published (although by all rights, Darby Conley should be paying Jim Davis royalties), and I really enjoy Brewster Rockit: Space Guy!, which I think is a relatively recent addition.

So the Post needs to do two things. First, find some good strips floating around out there (the current test strips haven't really impressed). Second, and more importantly, make sure they get rid of the bad strips, not the good ones. "Drop Baldo, and keep Big Nate? Super idea!" is something I could easily imagine being said in the Post's office.

Here's my list of what I'd like to see dropped:

The aforementioned Mark Trail, Prince Valiant, and Judge Parker: The people who read these strips probably refer to John McCain as "that young whippersnapper running for president." I have no idea how many of them there are, but I'm sure there are less every day, as they gradually succumb to old age.

Mutts: You know how sitcoms used to do the "very special episode" gimmick all the time? It seems like every Sunday installment of Mutts is a "very special episode," designed to tug at your heart strings. In fact, I'm not sure there's ever actually been a joke in any of them.

Zits: I don't entirely hate this one, but it's the same gag over and over. Teenagers eat a lot! Teenagers tune out their parents! Teenagers are weird! So, fine, keep it, but there's no way it should have the prime real estate it does in the Sunday Comics section.

Garfield: I know this would upset some people, but it should have been put out of its misery long ago. Anyone who doesn't think that Bill Watterson was absolutely right about the importance of artists knowing when to call it quits, should read any Garfield strip from the past few years.

The Amazing Spider-Man: Even as a kid who read comic books, ostensibly the strip's target audience, I utterly despised it. I still do. Nothing. Ever. Happens. It's just Peter and Mary Jane endlessly talking about their relationship, with the occasional half-hearted attempt at action, immediately followed with more relationship talk. Where's Mephisto when you need him?

The Family Circus: I could write an entire book on why Family Circus needs to go. It's like shooting fish in a barrel. Once you turn 8, you're officially too sophisticated to be reading it. It's a crime against humanity that this strip has been allowed to continue for as long as it has. I like to think newspapers across America are dying to cancel it, and are just waiting for some other paper to get the ball rolling. I, for one, would be proud to be known as the brave editor who finally killed The Family Circus. In fact, that would be on my tombstone.

So there you go, Washington Post. That's how you can easily improve your comics section. But, uh, just make sure you keep Slylock Fox. My...er...nephew enjoys trying to solve it each week. Yeah. That's it. My nephew.