Week thirteen NFL picks

7-9 last week; 88-87 for the season

Green Bay at Dallas (-6.5): Dallas

San Diego at Kansas City (+4.5): San Diego

San Francisco at Carolina (-2.5): San Francisco

Atlanta at St. Louis (-4.5): St. Louis

Jacksonville at Indianapolis (-7.5): Indianapolis

Seattle at Philadelphia (-3.5): Philadelphia

New York Jets at Miami (-1.5): New York

Buffalo at Washington (-5.5): Washington

Detroit at Minnesota (-3.5): Minnesota

Houston at Tennessee (-3.5): Houston

Denver at Oakland (+3.5): Denver

Cleveland at Arizona (-1.5): Cleveland

New York Giants at Chicago (+1.5): New York

Tampa Bay at New Orleans (-3.5): New Orleans

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh (-7.5): Pittsburgh

New England at Baltimore (+20.5): New England

Black Friday

I love Black Friday. It might actually be my favorite day of the year. Not because I'm one of those suckers who camps out overnight in search of discounted big-ticket items, but because if you enjoy the holidays and people watching and chaos in general (and yes, cheap DVDs), there's no better perfect storm than a Best Buy, Circuit City, or Wal-Mart on Black Friday.

Of course, these things rarely go smoothly. You would think common sense and decency would prevent people from acting like asses. But you would be wrong. Here are a few of the ones I encountered during my Black Friday.


Captain Oblivious

Look around. See the hundreds of people grabbing merchandise, pushing their way through the crowds, and waiting in endless lines? Captain Oblivious doesn't. Any other day of the year, asking sales associates questions about warranty information, technical specs, etc., is fine. This one day of the year, it isn't fine, and you're an asshole if you do it.

My Captain Oblivious was about five people ahead of me in line. He got to the register and stayed there for a good ten fucking minutes, as he went back and forth with the cashier, pointing out various stuff on the boxes and asking questions, handing her coupons (and apparently getting annoyed he couldn't combine them with the Friday sales), and generally just taking his own sweet time paying. Meanwhile, the two lines next to me were moving along at a brisk pace, as they were filled with normal people who just paid and left.

In the parking lot afterwards, I looked for Captain Oblivious so I could run him down with my car, but he was long gone.


The Line Comedian

People waiting in Black Friday lines often form a bond, however briefly. Even though they're strangers, you're stuck there with them for a long time with nothing else to do, so you might as well talk to them. The Line Comedian covets this attention and takes advantage of the captive audience.

Thanks to Captain Oblivious, I had a long time to wait in line. When I was about ten yards away from the register, the woman in front of me turned around and said, "Hey, we can almost see the counter from here!" Just to be polite, everyone chuckled.

This proved to be a horrible mistake, because it only emboldened her to keep the act going. Every couple of minutes, she'd turn and give us a new Seinfeld-ian bit of wit: "Wow, there are a lot of people here. This place is worse than the Metro during rush hour!" Or: "By the time we get out of here, it'll be 2008!"

After a few of these, we basically made an collective group decision to stop being polite, and pretended we couldn't hear her anymore.

Eventually, I guess she realized that she'd lost us, because she just went back to the old material. "Counter's getting closer, people! I think we're only a mile out now!"

A few minutes later: "I can now see the counter!"

A few minutes after that:"I just put my stuff on the counter!"

Now her, I did see in the parking lot, and could have run over. But I didn't. Hey, it's Christmas.

The Easily Impressed Consumer

Some people go to Black Friday sales hoping to get really expensive and heavily discounted big ticket items. Then there are those who aren't quite so ambitious. Overheard at Circuit City:

"Holy shit, Jane just told me Wal-Mart has Hairspray on sale! We gotta go there next."


The Easily Angered Consumer

The smart Black Friday shopper knows to disregard the best items on the front of the circulars, since unless he's willing to camp out overnight, they'll be long gone by the time he arrives at the store. If by some miracle they're still in stock, by all means, take advantage of it. But don't go in expecting or even hoping to find it.

I arrived at Best Buy at about 5:05. First thing I heard when I got inside was shouting: "You've been open for five minutes! How can you be out already?"

I stopped to eavesdrop for a few seconds. Apparently, she thought there would be a mountain of $300 laptops. Or in the very least, enough that she could roll up at the last minute and grab one. When I walked by a couple of minutes later, she was leaving in a huff. It might be the first time in history I actually felt sorry for a Best Buy employee.

All in all, even with these irritations (and indeed, one might say because of these irritations), it was a great day. My only regret is that I didn't see any fights break out or anyone get trampled.

Ah, well. Maybe next year.

Sean Taylor

On one hand, it's inspiring to see the local fan community come together in its time of grief. D.C. is often accused of not being a real sports town. I think the past couple of days proves that wrong.

On the other, there have been over 150 murders in D.C. this year. Where are the sense of outrage and candlelight vigils for them?

On one hand, it's really touching how the team responded, especially the quotes from the players and Dan Snyder flying down to Miami to be with Taylor's family.

On the other, how long until I get an email from the Redskins asking me to buy a commemorative Taylor jersey?

On one hand, everyone who knew Taylor seemed to like and respect him, and have spoken about how he'd been trying to turn his life around since the birth of his daughter.

On the other, the man wasn't a saint. I don't know why Michael Wilbon is being castigated for daring to say what has crossed everyone's mind at some point, in terms of the possibility that the shooting might have had something to do with the lifestyle Taylor was previously involved in.

On one hand, this is undoubtedly the biggest D.C. sports story in years, so it's understandable that the local media would be all over it.

On the other, the coverage has a distinct "car wreck on the side of the road" feel to it. The quickly assembled promos promising up-to-the-minute coverage, all the resources the local stations are dedicating to it, etc. On Fox this morning, the anchors were urging people to go to its website and blog about how they felt about Taylor's death, and their comments might then be read on-air. I wouldn't say this felt wrong, per se, just...unseemly? Was this supposed to be a substitute for the old "man on the street" interview? A way to drive traffic to the site? A little of both?

On one hand, the season must go on, and everyone hopes the Redskins can get things turned around.

On the other, can we not use Taylor's death as some sort of rallying cry? The following quote was in the Blog Log section of The Express this morning: "The 5-6 record no longer matters; we are 0-0 from here out. If we win Sunday, we are 1-0. Let's do it for Sean; let's do it for pride!"

What the fuck does that even mean?

Dating for D.C. Dummies

There are hardcore Christians in D.C. who don't work for the Justice Department? Who knew?

Timothy: She was cute. I shook hands with her. I got that from another Date Lab; a guy said that was the least awkward thing to do.

It worked out okay this time, but as a general rule, it really isn't a good idea to imitate what you see others do in Date Lab. There's a reason why these people were alone before Date Lab, and there's a reason why the vast majority of them are alone after Date Lab.

Megan: In the lighting, Tim looked like he had red hair. I'm not normally attracted to redheads. But I wasn't looking to be swept off of my feet, so I was willing to go through with [dinner].

"Willing to go through with dinner." Big of her.

To be fair, since she never comes right out and says that she considered leaving once she decided she wasn't instantly attracted to him, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt on this one. But that's sort of how it comes off.

On the other hand, I find it strangely comforting that devout Christians can be just as shallow as the rest of us.

I was glad that he was Christian. But he does things that I don't do, like dancing and drinking and going to movies.

I can't be the only person who read this, and immediately thought of this:

Remember Lori Singer's character in the film? I get the feeling that Megan is what would she would have grown up to be had John Lithgow succeeded in running Kevin Bacon out of town and keeping dancing illegal.

When the bill came, we had gone over [the Date Lab allotment]. I was the only one to have cash on me, so I made up the difference. I'm old-fashioned; I think the man should pay. But I've been caught without cash before. If it had really bothered me, I'd have said, "I can wait here while you work it out."

Uh...yay, Christian values?

I mean, she did pay, so she gets points for that. But I can only imagine how I'd react if I forgot money on a first date and was really embarrassed, and instead of taking pity on me by covering the check until I could pay her back, my date chose to compound the awkwardness by saying something like, "I can wait here while you work it out." I like to think that my way of "working it out" wouldn't be just heading home and leaving her in the restaurant, but I can't say for certain.

Timothy sent Megan a friend request on Facebook, but Megan didn't reply. She says she gave him her e-mail address, "but I'm not comfortable with being in touch with him through Facebook. There's a lot of personal information [there], and technically he's still a stranger."

How much personal information can a devout Christian who went to Bob Jones University,

doesn't drink, dance, watch movies, or eat without blessing the food, have on her Facebook page? Her favorite color? Favorite psalm?

And wait, how is it okay to not go to movies, but have a Facebook page? There's a hell of a lot more depravity and debauchery on social networking sites than in films. I don't get Christians.

Week twelve NFL picks

10-6 last week; 81-78 for the season

Green Bay at Detroit (+3.5): Green Bay

New York Jets at Dallas (-14.5): Dallas

Indianapolis at Atlanta (+11.5): Atlanta

Oakland at Kansas City (-5.5): Oakland

New Orleans at Carolina (-3.5): New Orleans

Houston at Cleveland (-3.5): Cleveland

Seattle at St. Louis (+3.5): St. Louis

Washington at Tampa Bay (-3.5): Washington

Tennessee at Cincinnati (+1.5): Tennessee

Buffalo at Jacksonville (-7.5): Buffalo

Minnesota at New York Giants (-7.5): New York

San Francisco at Arizona (-10.5): Arizona

Denver at Chicago (-2.5): Denver

Baltimore at San Diego (-9.5): San Diego

Philadelphia at New England (-22.5): Philadelphia

Miami at Pittsburgh (-16.5): Pittsburgh

McTurkey and stuffing?

I'm not really a Thanksgiving purist. There have been just as many Thanksgivings where I've had pizza, Chinese food, and sushi, as there have been ones where I've had turkey. The whole holiday is actually sort of a non-event, as far as I'm concerned. Just an excuse to take off a couple of days off from work, enjoy the novelty of watching football on a weekday, and then braving the stores the next day so you can buy crap you didn't realize you wanted until you saw the Black Friday circulars.

However, Thanksgiving at McDonald's just seems wrong. Borderline un-American, in fact. I realize that the people who would even consider going to McDonald's on Thanksgiving aren't doing so because they really want to, but because they likely fall into two categories: people without friends or family they can join, or people who can't really afford anything else.

But still.

There are better options out there. Take that money you would spend on a Big Mac meal, and buy cold cuts and instant stuffing. That's better than McDonald's on Thanksgiving. Rent a movie and get a box of microwave kettle corn. That's better than McDonald's on Thanksgiving. Put on some old clothes, head over to a homeless shelter, and have Thanksgiving dinner there. That's better than McDonald's on Thanksgiving. Pretty much anything you can think of is better than McDonald's on Thanksgiving.

Of course, it'd be different if they brought the McRib back. Then it would be awesome.

Ten things I've learned this week

1) When that voice in your head tells you not to board an absolutely packed Metro train because it'll be cramped and uncomfortable, and you know it'll get stuck in a tunnel, and to just wait for the next train which is only three minutes away, listen to it. Because it will be cramped and uncomfortable and it will get stuck in a tunnel, and you'll feel like an ass.

2) Co-workers with whom you're working on a project really get annoyed when you're not as stressed out about it as they are.

3) Don't ever address gender differences on your blog, even in a lighthearted manner. Especially not when it comes to geek culture. Because you'll just end up with people on other blogs calling you a bully and saying they'd like to punch you in the face.

4) The Redskins are in serious trouble, and that 2-0 start was no more an indication of potential than San Francisco's and Oakland's 2-0 starts. Mr. Snyder, forget everything I've said about not going crazy in the off-season, trading draft picks and overspending on free agents. I give you carte blanche to do whatever it takes to get Chad Johnson, Michael Turner, and Lance Briggs. And, uh, I think we're on the same page regarding Gibbs.

5) Those crossing guards that direct traffic downtown around lunchtime are completely useless. The city should either use cops who have actual authority, or just give up on the idea altogether, as lots of pedestrians (myself included) simply ignore them. If I don't have to worry about getting a ticket, as long as there's one second left on the walk signal, I'm going to sprint for it. So I get yelled at. Big deal.

6) The terrorists are going to get us. Happy flying, Thanksgiving travelers!

7) My support of the writers who are striking extended only until Fox announced it was delaying the new season of 24 indefinitely. Time to get back to work, guys. You'll take what the networks give you, and you'll like it.

8) Domino's Pizza still tastes like shit. Why are they still in business? I get how twenty years ago, when it was just Domino's and Pizza Hut, and Pizza Hut didn't necessarily deliver, they could get away with it. But now?

9) Keeping with the pizza theme, I was thrilled to discover that Godfather's Pizza still exists. For whatever reason, I thought they went out of business years ago. I loved Godfather's when I was a kid, but I can't remember if it was because the pizza was good, or because the one we always went to had a Pac-Man table. (If I ever open a restaurant, every table is going to be a Pac-Man table.) Unfortunately, the closest one is all the way out in Front Royal. I don't quite miss it that much.

10) If homeless people want handouts, they shouldn't be watching movies on portable DVD players.

Let's all go to the Mall

The National Mall is rapidly becoming a victim of its own success. So many people are visiting the monuments, museums and memorials that the Mall is in need of serious repair.

"It is literally being loved to death," says Bill Line, spokesperson for the National Parks Service. (WTOP)

Literally? How can something be "literally" loved to death? Especially a piece of land? I mean, I guess it's possible, but it would involve thousands of naked people writhing around violently.

I would think the difference between "literally" and "figuratively" would be something they'd teach on the first day of spokesperson school. (It's amazing how well this story ties into How I Met Your Mother.)

"The National Mall is probably the No. 1 most utilized public space in the country," says Line. "We are looking at ways to make it more visitor friendly, as well as deciding ultimately how we take care of it and manage it for the next 50 years."

By all means, fix the grass and put up more signs, but I don't know how much more "visitor friendly" you can really make the Mall.

More restrooms? Where are you going to put them without ruining the the view?

Nicer food facilities? What, like making sidewalk vendors start selling stuff besides hot dogs and pretzels? Or is there empty real estate just sitting on the Mall that I'm not seeing that could be used for restaurants? (Actually, now that I think about it, what exactly is the Smithsonian Castle used for, anyway? I've never been in there. I guess we could put in a food court.)

Poor access to park rangers? So...wait, the National Park Service is complaining about poor access to its employees? I don't get it. Can't this just be fixed with a memo or something?

About once a year, there's a story about how the Mall is going to be improved for tourists. I guess this is the 2007 edition. And I guarantee the 2008 edition will be the same, almost verbatim. As will 2009's, 2010's, etc.

Why can't people just accept that The Mall is what it is? It's a place for tourists to "ooh and ah" over, as the rest of us use it mainly as a quick way to get from Point A to Point B. Trying to make it into something more is just wishful thinking. But it gives the National Parks Service something to do, so I guess there's that.

Week eleven NFL picks

7-7 last week; 71-72 for the season

Miami at Philadelphia (-10.5): Miami

Tampa Bay at Atlanta (-3.5): Tampa Bay

Cleveland at Baltimore (+2.5): Cleveland

San Diego at Jacksonville (-2.5): San Diego

New Orleans at Houston (+1.5): Houston

Kansas City at Indianapolis (-14.5): Indianapolis

New York Giants at Detroit (+2.5): New York

Carolina at Green Bay (-9.5): Green Bay

Oakland at Minnesota (-5.5): Minnesota

Arizona at Cincinnati (-3.5): Cincinnati

Pittsburgh at New York Jets (+9.5): Pittsburgh

Chicago at Seattle (-4.5): Seattle

St. Louis at San Francisco (+2.5): St. Louis

Washington at Dallas (-10.5): Washington

New England at Buffalo (+15.5): New England

Tennessee at Denver (-2.5): Tennessee

FireJoeGibbsNow.com

Has it really come to this? Apparently so.

Worse, even if you're a Gibbs apologist, it's getting harder and harder to disagree with the sentiment. Remember those giddy days immediately after Snyder announced that Gibbs was coming back? Weren't the Redskins supposed to have won, like, three Super Bowls by now? Wasn't Gibbs supposed to be the only coach inducted into the Hall of Fame twice? Wasn't Snyder supposed to replace his image of a jackass who micromanaged his team into a losing record, with the image of the guy who brought Joe Gibbs out of retirement and saved the Redskins?

Were we really that naive?

I don't know what exactly the problem is with Gibbs. It's probably accurate to say that he just doesn't "get" the current NFL, hence why he brought in Gregg Williams and Al Saunders in. Based on what I've heard about his locker room sessions, it's also probably accurate to say that he's being way too nice, instead of screaming at his players that they could be in Jacksonville or Houston by this time next year if they don't get their shit together.

I have noticed, though, that he has this annoying tendency to claim he's learned from his mistake one week, and then make the exact same mistake shortly thereafter. Tell me if this sounds familiar:

Redskins lose a game, having rushed for under a hundred yards.

Gibbs says something like, "We need to commit to the run." The fans and the media grumble, "No shit, Joe."

Redskins win their next game, having rushed for over a hundred yards.

Gibbs credits the victory to the running game.

Redskins lose their next game, having rushed for under a hundred yards.

And repeat.

I don't think anyone, even the most disgruntled Redskins fans, want to see Gibbs fired. It would be like firing your grandfather. Or God. But just like there comes a time when a family needs to take the car keys away from grandpa, it's time for Snyder to create some bullshit position within the organization (something along the lines of Vice President and Senior Consultant for Football Operations) and ease Gibbs into it. He gets to maintain his dignity, and we get Bill Cowher. Everyone wins.

His and hers arrested development

I was listening to DC101 this morning, and Elliot was telling a story about how he and his wife were in New York, hanging out with a friend and his new girlfriend. They were out shopping, and the girlfriend said she wanted to stop somewhere.

It turns out, the place she wanted to go was something called the American Girl store. For those who have no idea what an American Girl store is (like myself until a few hours ago), here's how Wikipedia describes it:

American Girl Places are stores where American Girl dolls, clothes and accessories can be purchased up directly instead of through a catalog. Each store has, in addition to displays for each historical doll and a large Girl of Today section, a café (with planned meals), a doll hair salon, a drop off Doll Hospital, a photo studio, and a theater. The theater has thus far presented three different shows: the first musical, The American Girl's Revue, a second musical called Circle of Friends, and a show for younger children called Bitty Bear's Matinee: The Family Tree. The first store debuted in Chicago, followed by the New York store. The most recent store opened in Los Angeles in 2006.

She proceeded to buy dolls and outfits and then during lunch, she discussed her purchases in great detail. She's 33 years old. Naturally, Elliot and his wife were horrified, and urged their friend to break up with her.

And this got me thinking. I don't collect dolls (or in my case, action figures or statues), but I do read comic books, play video games, totally obsess over fantasy football for four months out of the year, plan my weekends around what NFL games are on, and love horror movies. I couldn't tell you why Faulkner is better than Dickens, but I can explain why Star Trek is better than Star Wars. I may not be up to date on international politics, but I can rattle off all the Presidents on 24 (Palmer, Keeler, Logan, Palmer, Taylor). Given the choice between meeting Nelson Mandela, one of the greatest symbols of freedom in the world, and William Shatner, I'd pick Shatner.

So am I any better than a woman who collects dolls? Yes. Yes, I am.

Hey, don't blame me. Blame society. For better or worse, geeks (and here, I mean male geeks) are considered cool. Not as cool as guys who, you know, are good-looking and have lots of money. But still pretty cool. Obviously, girls can be geeks, too, but they're slightly more limited in what interests they can pursue and still maintain respect in the eyes of the world. Girl gamers? Cool. Girl comic book fans? Cool. Girl doll collectors? Not so much.

I once met a beautiful woman who had what I consider to be one of the hottest combos in the world: she was Asian with a British accent. But she was also a hardcore Barbie collector. Hypothetically, could I have overlooked this in regards to a relationship? I'm honestly not sure I could have. It would have just been too weird. Even picturing all those plastic women all over the place, makes me shudder.

If any woman reading this has a doll collection, I'm not saying you should be ashamed. I'm just saying that you really need to pick your moment as to when you tell people about it. For example, dragging your boyfriend's friends to the American Girl store right after meeting them, doesn't qualify.

Really, I think the main difference between men and women in this regard is that men are used to being geeks. We've gotten comfortable with the idea. We know that we shouldn't be reading comics in our 30s. We know we shouldn't spend hours playing Madden. So we approach these things with the right amount of shame. Very few guys proudly declare their geekdom right off the bat. It's something we've learned to sneakily spring on people (especially women), once we've gotten to know them a bit.

A lot of women clearly haven't figured this out yet. Ladies, I know you don't want to think of yourselves as geeks, but if you have a doll collection or play World of Warcraft or make a point of being home on Mondays to watch Heroes? Guess what? Welcome to the tribe.

Now learn how to conduct yourselves.

You can't spell "useless, half-witted crack addict" without B-A-R-R-Y

The sky is blue. Water is wet. Marion Barry is useless.

These are all statements of fact. And reporters are supposed to be in the business of reporting facts, right? So it seems a bit weird for the Washington Post to suspend one of their reporters for simply acknowledging something we all know to be true:

Tim Page, a Pulitzer prize winner and 30 year journalism veteran got the Barry email even though he doesn't cover the former Mayor or the DC government and apparently wasn't too pleased to hear from Barry.

Here's Page's email response to Barry's email--sent to MB's Communication Chief.

"Must we hear about it every time this Crack Addict attempts to rehabilitate himself with some new=and typically half witted--political grandstanding?

I'd be grateful if you would take me off your mailing list. I Cannot think of anything the useless Marion Barry could do that would interest me in the slightest, up to and including overdose.

Sincerely, Tim Page." (Bruce Johnson)

Holy shit! That was pretty fucking harsh! True! But harsh!

Now, I'm guessing it was probably the "crack addict" part that pissed Barry off more than being called useless. After all, as a member of the city council, Barry is, by definition, useless.

But after you've been videotaped in a hotel room with a hooker smoking crack, and numerous people have claimed to see you buying drugs in recent years, don't you sort of give up the moral high ground in this regard? If Page had substituted "tax cheat" for "crack addict," making his email indisputably factually correct, I wonder if the Post still would have suspended him. Probably. Bunch of kill joys.

Look, I like Barry. The Mayor For Life makes a great mascot for the city. Kind of like the pandas, except he's more adorable and does better tricks. But under no circumstances should his delusional rants and demands actually be listened to. Just because the suckers in Ward 8 act like a bunch of 16 year-old girls in the presence of a rock star, doesn't mean everyone has to.

D.C. Mother of the Year nominees!

Is there a D.C. Mother of the Year competition? If not, there needs to be. Because this past week, I've seen three wonderful examples of motherhood that will warm your heart.

1) In line at the L Street Borders, a little girl noticed a plastic nativity scene play set on display, and asked her mom to buy it for her.

The mom's response: "No. You don't need Jesus."

2) On the Metro coming into work, I heard the standard "Step back, doors closing" announcement. But instead of the gentle whoosh of the doors, there was this really unpleasant sound of metal grinding. So I looked up from my book, and saw a woman trying to get onto the train, with her baby's stroller jammed in between the doors. Doors which, as Metro likes to remind us, aren't like elevators, and will shut on you.

Instead of doing the smart thing and pull the stroller back and just wait for the next train, she kept trying to board, using the stroller to block the doors. People on the train eventually had to try and pull the doors open so she could get on. I was hoping someone would say something, but I guess that like me, they just looked on in silent amazement.

3) At a convenience store, a mother bought a pack of cigarettes and about ten scratch-off lottery tickets. She kept the smokes for herself, but handed the lottery tickets to her six or seven year-old son, and said, "Here, start scratching." I didn't get to see whether or not any of them were winners, but I'm pretty sure that if they were, he didn't get to keep the money.

It really is never too early to get your kid hooked on vice.

Is $16,000,000 really worth getting upset over?

I don't get it.

A couple of D.C. government employees embezzled $16 million by issuing fake tax refunds, and spent the money on designer clothes, a Bentley, and a $26,000 handbag. (Who even knew they made $26,000 handbags? I'll bet it's really nice. It probably has pockets for your phone and iPod and everything.) And now they're probably going to prison.

What I want to know is, why? Didn't Fenty say he wanted the best and the brightest for the government? Well? This is it.

Okay, so they got a little sloppy. A little greedy. And as a result, they got caught. But $16 million? You hear about a city embezzlement scheme, you think $10 thousand, $50 thousand, maybe a quarter of a million, tops. But $16 million? That takes serious fucking brilliance. Especially when you consider that chick who ripped off the Teachers' Union only got away with $5 million. And she was the president. These two women were just mid-level hacks in the city tax office. By all rights, they shouldn't have even been able to think of something like this, let alone execute it successfully.

As such, do we really want to set a precedent where the moment anyone in the D.C. government shows a little initiative, they get slapped with handcuffs? Suppose instead of stealing $16 million, they'd focused their efforts on, say, the crime rate. And as a result, there was no more crime in D.C. Would we still be arresting them? No, of course not. So not only should Harriette Walters and Diane Gustus not go to prison, but Fenty should make them co-mayors. Maybe even co-queens.

Even if my pleas fall on deaf ears, can't we let Walters keep her $26,000 handbag? I think she's earned it, and besides, it's not like we can just take it back for a refund.

Week ten NFL picks

8-6 last week; 64-65 for the season

Minnesota at Green Bay (-6.5): Green Bay

Denver at Kansas City (-4.5): Kansas City

Buffalo at Miami (+2.5): Buffalo

St. Louis at New Orleans (-11.5): New Orleans

Cleveland at Pittsburgh (-9.5): Cleveland

Philadelphia at Washington (-2.5): Washington

Atlanta at Carolina (-4.5): Carolina

Jacksonville at Tennessee (-4.5): Tennessee

Cincinnati at Baltimore (-5.5): Cincinnati

Detroit at Arizona (+1.5): Detroit

Dallas at New York Giants (+1.5): Dallas

Chicago at Oakland (+3.5): Chicago

Indianapolis at San Diego (+3.5): Indianapolis

San Francisco at Seattle (-9.5): Seattle

Gran turismo

I almost got run over last night. The whole thing happened so fast, and all I could do was just stand there like an idiot and wait to get hit. Fortunately, he swerved at the last second, and tragedy was averted.

No, I'm not talking about the driver of a car. I'm talking about a kid wearing those fucking Heelys.

Has there ever been a bigger abomination in the history of products made for children? These things make lawn darts look like Nerf toys. We don't let kids drive until they're 16, and even then, there are all kinds of restrictions placed on them. So who thought it would be a good idea to entrust kids with any sort of wheels when they're 5 or 6?

What made the experience particularly grating was that the near-collision took place in a grocery store that had signs on the front doors saying, "No Heelys allowed." And it happened right in front of a store employee who saw the whole thing. I didn't really care what he said to the kid, whether it was a kindly, "Son, would you mind not using those in here? Thanks." or, "Hey, kid, can't you read? No Heelys in the store!", but I thought for sure he'd say something. But no. He just walked away without comment, and the kid happily raced away.

No sign of his parents, either. I hope that means he's an orphan. I hate that kid.

I really have to wonder, though, what's it going to take for America to realize just how stupid these things are? I guess a child has to die before we start considering a nationwide ban. It'll be an unfortunate, but necessary sacrifice.

Here are a few such scenarios I came up with on the way home last night:

- A family is vacationing at the Grand Canyon, when their kid starts racing around on his Heelys, and accidentally hurtles over the edge.

- A kid is skating down the street when he falls into an open manhole and gets eaten by sewer gators.

- Passengers at an airport are walking across the tarmac, when a kid decides to beat everyone there by skating to the plane. He loses control and ends up getting sucked into the turbine.

- A container of highly corrosive acid is being delivered to a lab, when a kid comes tearing around the corner and hits the container dead-on, splashing acid all over himself, and is instantly dissolved.

And so on, and so forth. Granted, the far more likely scenario is that some kid just slips and breaks his neck or gets hit by a car, but that wouldn't be nearly as awesome as what I came up with.

Until any such death happens, though, it unfortunately falls on parents to keep their kids under control. Which means it won't happen. Because apparently, it's asking too much for parents to say, "No skating when you're inside the store." Or better yet, "No, you can't have shoes with wheels on them. What are you, fucking crazy?"

Worst of all, because there's no justice in the world, I'm powerless to do anything about it. If a parent hits his kid for misbehaving, it's called discipline. But if I hit his kid for misbehaving, it's called felony assault on a minor. What's up with that?

This issue...Batman dies!!!

In June/July, DC are killing off Batman. Or rather, Bruce Wayne. Robin will inherit the Batman cowl. One of the Robins anyway. Tim Drake. Jason Todd. Or possibly Red Hood. Hey, maybe Jean-Paul Valley, it has been ten years since Azrael.

Either way, the book will relaunch with a nice shiny #1. (Comic Book Resources)

There's no way it's permanent, and it's going to be less of a story than a cheap marketing ploy, but I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't going to buy it. I'll hate myself. But I'll buy it.

It is frustrating, though, that 15 years after the whole "Death of Superman" storyline, DC Comics is apparently right back at square one. Worse, the whole thing seems designed to ride the coattails of the success Marvel has had in killing off Captain America earlier this year. (There's no way that's permanent either, but they're doing a good job of selling it.)

This blog has never been really heavy on comic book discussion (which is surprising, given that it was originally supposed to be mostly about comics), but recently, it's pretty much fallen off entirely. The reason is, there's just nothing exciting going on in comics these days.

Nothing worth reviewing, nothing worth discussing, nothing worth getting psyched up for, nothing even worth bitching about. Nothing.

Admittedly, superhero comics can rarely be considered intellectually stimulating, but lately it almost seems like they're intentionally being dumbed down. Check out an issue of Countdown, DC's virtually unreadable weekly series leading up to yet another "big event," and try not to lose IQ points.

That's not to say it's all bad. There is some good mainstream stuff out there. Dwayne McDuffie is making JLA fun again. Paul Dini is probably producing the best Batman stories in years. The Sinestro Corps stuff in Green Lantern is pretty good. But even when you factor that in, there's nothing coming out that feels like a must-read. Nothing that makes me feel like I need to hit up the comic book store on Wednesday instead of just waiting for the weekend.

In terms of the mature books, quality series like The Boys, Fables, Fallen Angel, 100 Bullets , Ex Machina, and The Walking Dead continue to chug along, but even they feel a bit tired.

Where's the next Preacher? The next Hitman? The next Wasteland? The next Transmetropolitan? The next Starman? The next Finals ? The next Barry Ween? The next Cerebus? The next Eagle?

I was rereading Top Ten last week, and was just amazed at the sheer amount of awesomeness crammed into each panel. Where are the fun Alan Moore comics?

The comic book industry has always been cyclical in terms of quality. The last time I remember comics being this bad was the early 90s, where the stories seemed aimed at the lowest common denominator, and the comics themselves were marketed towards speculators. Then a few years later, there was a creative renaissance, thanks in no small part to DC publishing pretty much any crazy idea that anyone came up with, resulting in stuff like Vext, Chase, Resurrection Man, and Young Heroes in Love. (Granted, most of those series were quickly cancelled, but the fact that they even saw the light of day at all was impressive.) And for a while, comics, superhero and otherwise, were great.

Unfortunately, I'm not sure if the current regime at DC has the will to do something like that again. Not when it's easier to just kill off Batman for a year or so, and count on the fanboys to eat it up.

Get a real job, hippie

But now the 29-year-old faces a predicament shared by many young strivers in Washington's public interest field. After years of amassing so many achievements, they struggle to find full-time employment with decent pay and realize they might not get exactly what they set out for.

...
Numerous young Washingtonians bemoan the improvisational and protracted career track of the area's public interest profession. They say the high competition for comparatively low-paying jobs saps their sense of adulthood, forcing them to spend their 20s or early 30s moving from college to work to graduate school and back to work that might or might not be temporary. (Washington Post)

Yeah, well, life's unfair. Suck it up. What sort of job do you think you're going to get from an outfit that is, by definition, nonprofit? The ones with lousy pay aren't worth having, and the few that pay reasonably well are impossible to find, because no one ever leaves them. Get over it, assorted peaceniks, treehuggers, and general do-gooders.

Okay, that was a bit harsh. But working here, you come across these people all the time. Typically young, earnest, and no idea of how the real world works. They all want to work in the public sector. But none of them want to accept the reality that doing so means having to scrape by economically. Because while people want to save the world, they also want full benefits and to be able to afford their apartment in Dupont, that new iPod, and Friday nights out with friends. If I had a dollar for every person I've met who thought they could find an entry-level job with a nonprofit that paid $40 or $50 grand a year, I'd have enough to start my own organization dedicated to saving the world. (Okay, that's a slight exaggeration. I'd really have, like, $10. But that's still enough for a large Quizno's sub, so I think my point stands.)

Personally, I see the lack of available jobs as a good thing for the do-gooder set. After you send out a few resumes and get nowhere, you can tell yourself that you tried to get a job saving the world, but just wasn't able to, thus freeing you up to get that far better paying gig elsewhere. You get karma points, and a decent salary. Everyone wins!

Seriously, though, here's some advice for anyone who wants to save the world, or spotted owls, or the environment, or whatever: change tactics. Forget any group with the word "Bread" in its name. Forget any group that operates out of a building near Eastern Market. Forget any group that can't afford a decent Christmas party. Forget nonprofits altogether. They've been around for decades. Is the world any better off? No. It's actually gotten progressively worse.

You want to save the world? Go to business school and become the CEO of Exxon. Get a show on Fox News. Run for office (as a Republican or Democrat, not as the fucking Green Party candidate, you freak). Get in a position to actually do something to change the world yourself, instead of trying to pester other people into doing it for you.

In other words, you have to be The Man to beat The Man.

Week nine NFL picks

5-8 last week; 56-59 for the season

Cincinnati at Buffalo (-1.5): Cincinnati

Denver at Detroit (-3.5): Detroit

Green Bay at Kansas City (+2.5): Green Bay

San Diego at Minnesota (-7.5): San Diego

Jacksonville at New Orleans (-3.5): New Orleans

Arizona at Tampa Bay (-3.5): Tampa Bay

Carolina at Tennessee (-4.5): Tennessee

San Francisco at Atlanta (-3.5): Atlanta

Washington at New York Jets (+3.5): Washington

Seattle at Cleveland (-1.5): Seattle

New England at Indianapolis (+5.5): New England

Houston at Oakland (-3.5): Houston

Dallas at Philadelphia (+3.5): Dallas

Baltimore at Pittsburgh (-8.5): Baltimore