I'm wearing my Super Sexy Blogger costume as I write this

Gabby Cirenza wanted to be a referee for Halloween. The outfit she liked had a micro-mini black skirt and a form-fitting black and white-striped spandex top held together with black laces running up the flesh-exposing sides. She looked admiringly at the thigh-high black go-go boots that could be bought as an accessory. And she thought the little bunny on the chest was cute.

"Absolutely not," said her mother, Cheryl. "That is so not happening."

Gabby is 11. (Washington Post)

This article is even funnier if you imagine sleazy 70s porn music playing in the background as you read it.

Admittedly, I'm not a parent, so I guess the perceived seriousness of this trend of kids wanting to wear revealing costumes is lost on me. Who cares if they want to dress slutty? Kids want lots of things. When I was a kid, I wanted to sit on the roof of the car when we drove places. Understandably, my parents refused. I also wanted to go around opening air vents and pipes around my house looking for Littles. They weren't too wild about that idea, either. If parents don't want their kids wearing that "Playboy Racy Referee" costume or the "Fairy-Licious Purrrfect Kitty Pre-Teen" costume, just tell them no, like the parents in the article did. If they keep whining, keep saying no. It isn't rocket science.

I do wonder, though, whether parents who are so shocked at the idea of their daughters wanting to dress slutty on Halloween, are just as vigilant the rest of the year. Judging by how a lot of the young girls I see out and about are dressed, I doubt it. If you're going to let your 10 year-old daughter wear her "slutty 10 year-old" costume 364 days out of the year, it shouldn't come as too much of a surprise when she wants to continue the trend on Halloween, should it?

One of the points in the article is that Halloween isn't considered "scary" anymore, which has resulted in the rise in sexy costumes. Again, this is something I think parents are responsible for. If they would just start showing their children horror films at a young age, kids would come to appreciate the true meaning of the holiday. As soon as my hypothetical daughter is old enough to speak, I intend on introducing her to the wonderful world of slasher films. True, it might cause nightmares and therapy in the short term, but I guarantee, come Halloween, she's dressing up as Jason or a zombie, not a French maid.

Finally, kudos to the Post for making Party City sound like the new hip place for pedophiles to hang out. I'm sure they appreciate the heads up.

The worst sports weekend ever

Everything that had to do with sports sucked this weekend.

1. The Giants/Dolphins game in London

After all the hype, this game really blew. The Giants seemed to sleepwalk their way through it, and the Dolphins...well, sadly, the Dolphins did the best they could. I know this was scheduled long before anyone knew how awful Miami would be this season, but come on. The NFL really thought this was the best game with which to try and hook the Brits on football? It couldn't have sent the Colts or the Chargers over there instead?

Regardless, the NFL should refuse to go back until the British agree to three conditions:

First, Parliament must pass a resolution recognizing that American football is superior in every way to their football, and must agree that henceforth, we own the name. They can still keep playing their sport, but they must start calling it by its proper American name: soccer.

Second, they need to learn the nuances of the game before they get to watch another one. What was up with the booing at the end when the Giants were running out the clock? You would think a country obsessed with a game that can finish in a tie, would be more accepting of anti-climactic endings.

Finally, this guy must be banned from attending any future games:

2. The WWE in D.C.

This one should have been easy to avoid, since I wasn't anywhere near the Verizon Center last night, and I certainly wasn't going to watch whatever pay-per-view special they were doing. But when I went to Best Buy on Saturday, people were lined up outside to meet Rey Mysterio for some sort of DVD signing.

Now, I hate wrestling. At best, it's a soap opera for men. At worst, it's borderline gay porn. But if people want to watch it, whatever. If people want to line up outside of Best Buy on a Saturday afternoon to meet a wrestler, whatever. But grown men standing in line should not be wearing plastic replica championship belts. Have a little pride, people. Please.

3. The Boston Red Sox won the World Series

This is annoying enough on its own, but what makes it even worse is that even though they've now won two championships in four years, by the start of next season, Boston fans will still somehow find a way to portray themselves as victims. "Oh, woe is us. We're such underdogs...no ones respects us...stupid Yankees...curse of the Bambino...blah, blah, blah."

The only upside to the Red Sox winning the World Series is that it makes Yankees and Cubs fans feel like shit.

4. The Marine Corps Marathon

It managed to shut down pretty much every road I needed to drive on yesterday morning. Can't we move this thing out to Woodbridge next year? Or maybe just make it a 5-K?

5. The Redskins

Wow. That was really brutal. That wasn't so much a football game as an episode of Oz. The Patriots were Adebisi and the Redskins were his terrified new cellmate.

Still, I'm not overly concerned. You know why? Because this is Sports Movie 101. As anyone who's seen enough of them knows, this is the way it had to play out.

Let's assume the Patriots go to the Super Bowl (which they will). And lets assume the Redskins also go to the Super Bowl (I admit, this one requires a slightly bigger leap of faith, but bear with me). See, the Redskins had to receive their regular season beat down, so they can dig deep and overcome adversity when it really matters.

Think of the Redskins as Rocky Balboa, and the Patriots as Apollo Creed. Yesterday was Rocky. The Super Bowl is Rocky II. And by the time it's all over, the Redskins will be victorious, Tom Brady will be crying like a baby, with only his millions of dollars, three Super Bowl rings, and supermodel girlfriend to console him, and all will be right with the world.

At least, that's how I see it playing out.

Saw IV

I wouldn't exactly call the Saw films art, but there is a certain brilliance to them.

Aside from the total seamlessness between installments, the filmmakers have a distinct attitude of, "Fuck you if you haven't seen the previous films. Leave or sit there and be confused. It makes no difference to us," which is really cool in this day, when most sequels go out of their way to appeal to a wide audience, and usually end up expositioning themselves to death in order to get everyone caught up.

Also, the standard Saw twist ending really outdoes itself this time, making you go from, "Wait, what?" to "Holy shit!" in the span of a few seconds. (Hint: it really, really helps if you've seen Saw III recently.)

The fact that you also get the most disturbingly graphic autopsy in film history, is just a bonus.

The Hideout comes back to D.C. (again)

This isn't the first time that The Hideout, one of the greatest radio shows D.C. has ever produced, has returned to town. But hopefully, they'll stick around for good this time:

DCRTV tipped you off to this last week. And now we hear that former WJFK-FMers El Jefe and J Dubs will be returning to the CBS Radio talker. They'll air on Saturday evenings, after Maryland Terps football. Eventually, the duo will wind up in the 6 PM to 9 PM slot. And, they're resurrecting "The Hideout" name. El Jefe and J Dubs left WJFK-FM, 106.7, several years ago for a gig at a Florida radio talker. But they got bounced from that late last year. (DCRTV)

The only question is, which show will it be? Using Coke as a metaphor, will it be "Hideout Classic" or "New Hideout"?

After they got laid off from their station in Orlando, Jefe and Dubs messed around with their format a bit as they tried to land a gig elsewhere. First, they added a buddy of theirs, Shaffee, to the show. This proved to be a horrendous mistake, as he had little chemistry with them, and disrupted the flow that had so carefully been established over the past few years. During their week of test shows on JFK, it was evident to pretty much everyone but Jefe and Dubs that he didn't fit in.

Second, and most egregious, during their last round of test shows (and later, in podcasts they made to keep themselves out there) they dropped virtually all of the trademarks of The Hideout that made the show great: listener calls, discussions of their personal lives (including their excremental and masturbatory habits), painful physical stunts, and lots and lots of homoerotic humor. The name of the show was changed to NEXT, and instead of an entertaining free-form show, it became this heavily structured thing where they would count down and discuss the biggest news stories of the day.

It wasn't pretty.

This transition from The Hideout to NEXT reminded me of when network TV takes a really brilliant, edgy comedian, and instead of keeping him brilliant and edgy, shoehorns him into some insipid, formulaic sitcom that'll appeal to audiences who like insipid, formulaic television. Like Bob Saget, arguably one of the best, most filthy comedians in history, doing Full House. Or those lame sitcoms George Carlin and Sam Kinnison did. Sure, if you've never listened to them before, you might enjoy NEXT. But for anyone who was a fan of The Hideout, it was almost unlistenable radio. To an extent, this was understandable, because if they could have gotten hired somewhere doing The Hideout, I'm sure they wouldn't have made the switch. As a listener, that didn't make it any less frustrating, though.

Supposedly, the new show will be a combination of The Hideout and NEXT. I guess I can live with this, though I hope there's a lot more of the former than the latter.

One more thing: Jefe and Dubs are great, but the show needs Chunks and Bateman, their producers, who unfortunately seem to have fallen by the wayside since the Orlando show ended. This isn't optional. Hideout Heretics.net has made every episode of the show available for download, and I've been burning through two or three of them a day on my iPod. Having listened to the post-Orlando shows, you really appreciate how much they bring to the table. Getting them back should be a top priority for Jefe and Dubs. They're both local, so hopefully, something can be worked out.

All in all, though, this is really exciting news. Considering how lame D.C. talk radio has become, it's great when a show like this is able to make a comeback. Hopefully, WJFK (and for that matter, Jefe and Dubs) won't find a way to fuck it up.

Week eight NFL picks

4-10 last week; 51-51 for the season

Cleveland at St. Louis (+3.5): St. Louis

New York Giants at Miami (+9.5): New York

Indianapolis at Carolina (+7.5): Indianapolis

Detroit at Chicago (-5.5): Chicago

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati (+3.5): Pittsburgh

Philadelphia at Minnesota (+1.5): Minnesota

Oakland at Tennessee (-7.5): Tennessee

Buffalo at New York Jets (-2.5): Buffalo

Jacksonville at Tampa Bay (-4.5): Tampa Bay

Houston at San Diego (-10.5): San Diego

New Orleans at San Francisco (+2.5): New Orleans

Washington at New England (-16.5): Washington

Green Bay at Denver (-3.5): Denver

Geekgasm

The trailer for this season of 24.

Jack Bauer in D.C.! Jack Bauer's hot new sidekick! Jack Bauer with that torturin' look in his eyes! And after years of dull, interchangeable terrorists as bad guys, I was blown away by this season's (apparent) villain.

Now, I know last season wasn't all that great. Expectations weren't meant, things were said, and so on. But if this season lives up to even half of what the trailer promises, all will be forgiven.

If I weren't at work, I'd be weeping with joy right now. It looks that good.

TomDan breaks up

Remember all the excitement last year when Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder invested in Tom Cruise's movie career?

Well, that episode is over.

Sources tell me that the deal Cruise and Paula Wagner made with Snyder was bought out sometime in the last few months. (Fox News)

Well, geez. Who saw that break-up coming? Oh, yeah. Everyone.

I'm actually surprised their business relationship lasted this long. Can you imagine Dan Snyder involved in making movies? It would have been a complete train wreck. I have to think he'd produce films the same way he'd run the Redskins if there weren't a salary cap:

"Tom? It's Dan. I finally have a script for our first film together. Vinny Cerrato wrote it, based on an original idea of mine. It involves aliens, dinosaurs, and Freddy Krueger. The way I see it, you'll play the lead, Angelina Jolie and Jessica Biel will play your love interests, Brad Pitt will play the evil alien, Russell Crowe will provide the voice of the dinosaur, and I figure we can get George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Harrison Ford for minor roles. Spielberg will direct, natch. I've run the numbers, and I think we can get the whole thing made for only $750 million. It'll be the best movie ever! What do you think?"

The bad news is, my dream of seeing The Dan Snyder Story, starring Tom Cruise as Dan Snyder, will probably never come to pass.

This bit was also very interesting:

The end of Snyder as a partner no doubt came as a relief to all sides. Snyder — as I reported last year when all the back-patting was going on — was an odd choice for a partner. He's a top Republican fundraiser and such a good friend of George W. Bush that he was one of the people who convinced him to run for president.

Wait...what? Snyder and Bush are buddies? Close buddies? How is it I never heard this before now? The weird thing is, I'm not sure if it reflects more poorly on Bush that he's friends with Snyder, or on Snyder that he's friends with Bush. I wonder if Snyder ever has trouble sleeping at night, wondering if he's partially responsible for what's happened to this country. Oh, who am I kidding? Of course he doesn't. The man thought Jeff George would be a great quarterback, for God's sake. Nothing phases him.

Well, whatever. You learn something new every day. Even when you wish you hadn't.

World Bank wins (again), protesters lose (and lose blood)

I was walking through Georgetown this morning, observing the fallout from yet another idiotic IMF/World Bank protest.

Congratulations, protesters. Not only did you ruin a Friday night for a bunch of people who just wanted to go out drinking, but you managed to scare both The Gap and Gap Kids, into boarding up their windows. If that doesn't strike a blow against globalization and force the world take you seriously, I don't know what will.

Fucking retards.

There was one really heart-warming protest-related bit in today's Post:

"They charged the police line," said D.C. Assistant Police Chief Patrick Burke, head of the homeland security bureau. "Police lines cannot be broken."

A protester who identified himself as Bob Exe, 20, said police struck him on the shoulder and nose with batons. The District resident, who had stuck a tissue into his bloodied nose, said no one charged the line but there "might have been some pushing." He acknowledged that the demonstrators had been trying to block delegates from reaching the World Bank.

Awesome. Just awesome.

But next time, guys? I like the nose hit, but forget about the shoulder. Swing for the kneecaps and back of the head. And hey, that gun you carry isn't just for decoration, you know.

Week seven NFL picks

4-9 last week; 47-41 for the season

Tampa Bay at Detroit (-1.5): Tampa Bay

Tennessee at Houston (+1.5): Houston

New England at Miami (+17.5): Miami

San Francisco at New York Giants (-10.5): San Francisco

Baltimore at Buffalo (+3.5): Buffalo

Atlanta at New Orleans (-7.5): New Orleans

Arizona at Washington (-7.5): Washington

New York Jets at Cincinnati (-6.5): Cincinnati

Kansas City at Oakland (-2.5): Kansas City

Chicago at Philadelphia (-4.5): Chicago

St. Louis at Seattle (-9.5): St. Louis

Minnesota at Dallas (-9.5): Dallas

Pittsburgh at Denver (+3.5): Pittsburgh

Indianapolis at Jacksonville (+3.5): Jacksonville

I hate baseball. But...

I hate baseball.

I hate how excruciatingly slow and boring it is.

I hate "Take Me Out to the Ball Game."

I hate how baseball players keep getting caught up in the whole steroids mess. Especially compared to NFL players, who are much sneakier about steroid use, thus allowing football fans the illusion that it's not going on in our sport.

I hate how there's no salary cap.

I hate the sheer number of utterly unimportant statistics.

I hate fans of losing teams rationalizing their losing records with stupid superstitions and curses.

I hate people who keep score while in the stands. For the love of God, why do that?!?!

I hate fans who complain about the designated hitter rule. It makes sense, people.

I hate the Yankees and the Red Sox equally, and think it's sad that this is considered the preeminent sports rivalry of our time.

I love Steve Bartman. Fuck you, Cubs fans. Get over it.

I hate the commercials on Fox for the playoffs and World Series. "You can't script October," is one of the dumber phrases of our time, and the best person they could think of to be their pitchman is Dane Cook? Dane Cook? Stop it, Fox. Just stop it.

I hate how it's commonly called "rotisserie baseball," instead of "fantasy baseball." What, you think you're better than us fantasy football players, using a high-falutin' college word like "rotisserie"? Huh? Do you?

I hate the seventh inning stretch.

I hate having to sit through a pitcher's warm up. Do that before you get on the mound.

I hate how a pitcher can still have a "perfect game" even if a team gets 27 hits off of him, so long as no one gets on base.

I hate Joe Buck.

I hate baseball.

But.

But for one, very brief moment in my childhood, I loved baseball. I thought it was the coolest sport ever, and wanted to be a baseball player when I grew up.

What spurred this intense, albeit short-lived romance with the sport?

This:

There are a select few movies that I saw when I was a kid that I consider to have been vital to my childhood and adolescence. Raiders of the Lost Ark. Die Hard. Silence of the Lambs. Pulp Fiction. Clerks. And yes, Major League.

My baseball heroes weren't Hank Aaron or Cal Ripken Jr. They were Rick Vaughn, Willie "Mayes" Hayes, and Jake Taylor. And they kicked ass. I was probably the only kid in the world who actually dreamed of one day living in Cleveland.

It's arguably the best sports film ever made, and one of those rare comedies that also manages real moments of poignancy. And surely, Bob Ueker's line, "The Indians win it! The Indians win it! Oh, my God, the Indians win it!" is one of the best in motion picture history.

Ever since then, even though I haven't really paid attention to the sport (except to bash it), and even though I wouldn't call myself an Indians fan, I've always quietly rooted for the team. I got my hopes up when they went to the World Series in '95, but that obviously didn't work out.

So I'll make a deal with the baseball gods. If the Indians win the World Series, I'll try being a baseball fan for one year. I'll go to at least ten Nats games. I'll buy a jersey. I'll join a fantasy...fine, a rotisserie baseball league. And I'll stop running down a sport that I've gotten no end of amusement out of running down over the years.

In short, I will become a die-hard baseball fan. All I want in return is what Major League promised when I was a kid: a championship Cleveland Indians team, and the ability to shout, "The Indians win it! The Indians win it! Oh, my God, the Indians win it!" and actually mean it.

Captain NRAmerica

I really couldn't care less about Captain America, but there's a great article in the Post about the new, gun-wielding Cap. It's actually one of the better comic book-related pieces I've seen in a mainstream publication in recent memory.

- The title, "Good Guy With a Gun: A Superhero For the Times" actually seems like a bit of thought went into it, as opposed to some sort of hack headline like, "Pow! Bam! Zing! Cap's Packing!" Granted, this gimmick has been out of fashion for a while now, but there's always a decent chance that some editor will think it's a witty idea that no one's ever thought of before, and go with it.

- The writer, David Betancourt, either reads comics, or does a really good job of faking it. The fact that he actually managed to spell Spider-Man correctly (it's Spider-Man, not Spiderman or Spider Man) is pretty impressive in itself, as few other reporters seem to be able to manage this.

- Managed to recap the whole Civil War/death of Captain America stuff in a succinct manner. Bonus points for not disparaging the storyline by making it sound hopelessly complex or insular (or overly geeky).

- Got some intelligent quotes from Ed Brubaker, Tom Breevort, and John Hefner from Big Planet Comics.

I get the feeling the new Captain America is going to be a really big hit with the right wingers, especially if (oh, who am I kidding, when) he starts mowing down criminals and terrorists with his gun. Now that the Post has covered the story, it'll be interesting to see whether or not the Washington Times follows suit. I predict an editorial hailing this bold new vision of Captain America, and discouraging Marvel from ever bringing the old, pussy version back. You know, the one who just hit his enemies instead of killing them. And if Marvel could make the new Cap a Moonie, even better.

Dating For D.C. Dummies

After months of drought in the form of dull, normal people, last weekend gave us the best Date Lab participant ever. EVER!

Leana Wen: I knew immediately that he wasn't my type. I'm the type of person, people notice me. I have a presence. Geoff didn't have that presence. He was a little nerdy-looking.

I'm sure people do notice her. How could anyone possibly overlook such a massive ego? "I have a presence"? Seriously? I mean...fucking seriously?

If you're a friend of Leana's and you sometimes laugh at her behind her back, raise your hand. Wow. That's a lot of hands.

Leana: I followed the host to the table and told myself I wanted to look for other things that I'd like. Things can override the physical.

It's worth noting that based on the photo, we're not exactly talking about Jessica Alba, here. Rule of thumb: if you're going to start babbling about overlooking someone else's physical flaws, you better be pretty fucking hot.

Leana: I was looking for his passion. He said it was food. He said his primary woman-getting skill was cooking. At one point, he had a bite of a grilled peach and looked like he was in heaven. That's great, but I wish that passion carried over to other things -- kickball, women, his job, whatever.

Right, because men are typically encouraged to talk about their passion for women on a first date. And kickball? She would have been happy if he'd talked about a passion for kickball? I wish she'd make up her mind about whether her standards are too high or too low.

Leana: After a while, it became apparent that he didn't have the other quality I'm looking for -- ambition. I wanted to hear, "I want to run for president" or, "I want to learn 10 different languages." But [he said] his ambition is to balance home and work life. That wasn't the grand-scale attitude I like.

It's funny she says this, because I once went on a date with a girl who said, very seriously, that she wanted to run for president. I didn't think she was ambitious. I thought she was massively psychotic. And any guy who tells a woman that he wants to learn 10 different languages is just trying to come off as deep and intellectual in an effort to impress her. But hey, I guess with Leana, it works.

I'd give the date a 1.5 [out of 5].

Tacky. In Date Labs past, even people who feel no connection whatsoever to the person they go out with, at least have the common courtesy to give the date a 3 or 4. But if she did that, I guess she wouldn't be able to feel superior.

Finally, what she considers to be her best features:

I'm intelligent, passionate, sexy -- a ball of fiery energy. I graduated college at 18, am a doctor and Rhodes Scholar. I want to change the world; and, as a belly dancer, I have control over every muscle in my body.

Only in D.C. would someone interpret, "What are your best features?" as, "What is your curriculum vitae?" What's the over/under on how long after meeting someone new, it takes her to drop the fact that she graduated college at 18 and is a Rhodes Scholar? I say five minutes.

That last one on her list is sort of impressive, though. If I wasn't absolutely convinced that she's going to die alone, I'd say I was envious of her future husband.

Friday night blights

It's been a few years since I've gone to a high school football game, so I figured I'd check one out. Between the Redskins playing, and the much-anticipated Patriots/Cowboys game, it seemed like a good weekend to get completely drunk on football.

To my dismay, though, I discovered a really unfortunate truth: If all your football watching comes from NFL games, college games, and even playing Madden, you can't enjoy a high school football game anymore. You just can't.

It's completely and utterly unwatchable football. I have no doubt it's a different case down in Texas, where high school football is serious business, or in private schools that actually go out and recruit, but public schools up here? Utterly unwatchable.

I was hoping for this...

...but basically had to settle for this.

Here are just a few of the things that made the game a symphony of boredom and incompetence:

- Between the two teams, there were four muffed punt returns.

- Punts were lucky to clear twenty yards. I mean, if that's the case, shouldn't you just always go for it on 4th down? It's not like you're really sacrificing much field position or anything.

- After one kickoff, the kick returner let the ball land at about the 5 yard line, and it seemed like he was going to let it roll into the end zone for a touchback. But right when it got to the 1, for some reason, he decided then to pick it up and start running. He got clobbered before he reached the 10 yard line.

- During a blitz, one of the pass rushers had a clear shot at sacking the quarterback. Instead he decided it'd be better to keep shoving the guy who'd been blocking him, thus allowing the quarterback to get a pass off.

- After realizing no one was open on a passing play, the quarterback decided to run for it. Since his blockers seemed to have gone elsewhere, he was all alone, so three members of the defense stormed towards him. Instead of taking the tackle or running out of bounds or even falling down before getting hit, he just seemed to slow down, and somehow managed to curl up in the fetal position while still standing. Then he got hit. Hard.

- Fumbles galore!

- Spirals that seemed to lose their form on anything longer than a ten yard pass.

Now, you might be thinking that it's somehow wrong of me to criticize a bunch of kids for not being able to play good (or even halfway decent) football. Well, you couldn't be more wrong. TV and movies have proven that all any team, regardless of age or skill level, has to do in order to play like pros is believe. Maybe also go through some sort of training montage before the game. Is it possible that TV and movies have been lying to me this whole time? No. Of course not. Don't be stupid. Therefore, I can only conclude that neither team out there believed or montaged. Ergo, it's their fault for sucking, not my fault for having too high expectations.

If I ever have a son, unless we're living in Texas, I'm going to do my best to discourage him from playing football. The idea of having to sit through this sort of debacle on a weekly basis is just too depressing to contemplate. If he wants to be a part of the team, he can be a male cheerleader. There's no obligation for parents to go to a game to watch their kid cheer. I can just sit home and watch real football.

Week six NFL picks

9-5 last week; 43-32 for the season

Minnesota at Chicago (-5.5): Chicago

Miami at Cleveland (-4.5): Cleveland

Washington at Green Bay (-3.5): Washington

Houston at Jacksonville (-6.5): Houston

Cincinatti at Kansas City (+3.5): Cincinatti

Tennessee at Tampa Bay (-2.5): Tennessee

St. Louis at Baltimore (-9.5): St. Louis

Philadelphia at New York Jets (+2.5): New York Jets

Carolina at Arizona (-4.5): Arizona

New England at Dallas (+4.5): New England

Oakland at San Diego (-10.5): Oakland

New Orleans at Seattle (-6.5): New Orleans

New York Giants at Atlanta (+3.5): Atlanta

Hate idiot liberal college activists? So do I!!!

Jesus. I can't believe I'm actually in agreement with the Young America's Foundation.

I attended one of their events at the Mayflower several years ago. In fact, I still have the coffee mug they gave me. (What? Free schwag is free schwag. Politics be damned.) It remains one of the more off putting evenings of my life. By the end of the night, I was ready to bar the doors and call in an air strike, lest any of the people in the room be allowed to escape and breed.

And yet, here I find myself.

A national conservative organization today called on George Washington University to expel students who admitted targeting the group in a hoax that covered the campus with hundreds of anti-Muslim posters.

"Vicious personal attacks levied on students are intolerable, and should not go unpunished," Ron Robinson, president of the Young America's Foundation, wrote to GW President Steven Knapp. (Washington Times)

Two days ago, when it looked like the YAF (or some other conservative group) was responsible for the fliers, a lot of people were ready to string them up. Me included. But if a lynching was considered too extreme, mass expulsions seemed like the way to go.

But now that we know the truth, that the ones who posted the fliers are, in fact, just a bunch of liberal hippie fuckheads, it's a little disconcerting to see some people suddenly say, "Oh. Well, then. That's no big deal."

There isn't much of a difference between a flier that espouses racial hatred for the sake of racial hatred, and a flier that espouses racial hatred for the sake of turning public sentiment against an opposing group. A group whose sole offense, apparently, is hosting a forum on the threat of Islamic fascists. Which, political correctness aside, does exist, whether the idiots who posted the fliers want to admit it or not. Do I think any good will come out of the forum? Not really. But I don't see the harm in holding it.

Defenders of the liberal twits will undoubtedly say that the flier was a parody. Or that the language at the bottom clearly indicated that it wasn't legit. Bullshit. These students are supposedly adults. They ought to be able to communicate better than this. If they want to take on the YAF, do it with facts and ideas, not smear campaigns. And putting the YAF's contact info on the bottom of the flier, making it appear that they were responsible, is reprehensible. If the reverse had happened, if the YAF had posed fliers saying, "Want Another 9/11 to Happen? So Do We!!!" with the website for the College Democrats underneath, liberals would be screaming bloody murder. So how is this any different?

Michelle Malkin. RedState.com. Glenn Reynolds. The freaking Young America's Foundation, for Christ's sake. These are the people with whom I'm suddenly forced to support on this issue. That's really not a good feeling.

Earlier this week, the president of GW said that those who posted the fliers could be expelled. He didn't say that they'd only be expelled if they were conservatives. So I look forward to the students who put up the fliers being sent home as soon as possible. If not all of them (I have a bit of sympathy for the freshmen involved), then at least the ringleaders.

Hell, considering the ridiculous amount of money GW charges, they'll probably come out ahead on the deal.

Madden Nation: Now with chicks!

The new season of Madden Nation kicked off last night on that home of utterly irrelevant sports programming, ESPN2. On the whole, the contestants seem like a decent bunch. The good news is that there's no one who resembles the obnoxious asshat who won last season, who you not only wanted to see thrown off the Madden Nation bus, but under it, as well. The bad news is that these guys actually seem like they might be well-rounded, productive members of society. They obviously take the game seriously, but not to the point where they treat it like a borderline-religion. Which is nice, but doesn't necessarily make for great television.

The big twist this season is that one of the initial contestants was a woman. Seeing the reactions from her fellow Madden Players was interesting, to say the least. It seems as though the women's lib movement hasn't quite crossed over to the world of XBox Live. But more importantly, based on her performance, maybe it shouldn't. She did, after all, get kicked off the bus first, after getting her ass kicked at Madden not once, but twice.

Does this mean girls shouldn't play video games? No, of course not. Why, a simple Google search came up with plenty of games women can play:

Barbie Horse Adventures: Wild Horse Rescue: It's Barbie! What girl of any age doesn't love Barbie? Or horses?

The Sims: Decorate your family's home! Take care of the kids! Don't forget to have dinner ready when the hubby gets home!

Nintendogs: Just like having a puppy, without any stains on the carpet you'd have to clean up!

Ms. Pac-Man: An oldie, but goodie. Maybe you'd look good with a nice pink bow, also?

Dance Dance Revolution: Not only can you learn some hot dance moves for the next time you're at a club looking for a husband, but you might finally drop those last ten pounds!

So there you go, ladies. As you can see, there are tons of gaming options out there for you. And hey, if you want to sneak a few minutes of a Tom Clancy game or Resident Evil 4 or Grand Theft Auto while your husband or boyfriend is at work, I don't think he'll mind. (It probably wouldn't hurt to ask him, though. Just to be sure.)

But let's leave Madden to the men, okay? After all, you don't see us trying to cook or clean, do you? Of course you don't.

Sticking it to protesters

The three protesters are charged with illegally blanketing the city with signs advertising an antiwar march held on September 15.

Adam Kokesh, Tina Richards and Ian Thompson appeared in court Thursday. The antiwar ANSWER Coalition says they could face up to six months in jail if convicted of the charge.

The D.C. Department of Public Works fined the group for pasting hundreds of signs with an adhesive that city officials say makes them difficult to remove. Protesters have said the adhesive was water-soluble. (WTOP)

That's bullshit.

Not the idea of them being punished for posting their stupid little signs all over the city. That's totally reasonable. Because like rats, cicadas, and Yankees fans, protesters are a blight on D.C. that should be dealt with as harshly as possible.

But a six month taxpayer-financed stay in jail? Three meals a day, and guards having to devote their valuable time to making sure the hippies don't get the crap beaten out of them by real criminals? What does that accomplish, other than giving them time to rehearse "Kumbaya" or make up new anti-war slogans, or whatever the hell it is these people do in their spare time?

No, I have a better, much more productive idea.

Since they were so anxious to clutter the city with their signs, instead of going to jail for six months, they should be forced to clean the city over the course of six months. Not just the crap they were responsible for posting, either. Everything. Every anti-war sign, every out-of-date advertisement for various events, every missing pet flyer, everything. They don't get to rest until six months are up, or the city is completely free of signage. Whichever comes first.

Some might wonder whether or not this punishment would constitute slavery, which, of course, isn't something the courts can legally impose. No, of course it's not slavery. It's indentured servitude . Actually, it's much more merciful than indentured servitude, because that was typically for a period of several years, and this would only be for six months. So really, the protesters would be coming out ahead, so they wouldn't really have anything to complain about, would they?

The most productive thing I did this weekend

One could say this reflects poorly on what kind of weekend I had. I prefer to think it just speaks volumes about how important it is to be good at Madden. One day, it really will replace golf as the sport of gentlemen.

Week five NFL picks

9-5 last week; 34-28 for the season

Cleveland at New England (-15.5): New England

New York Jets at New York Giants (+3.5): Jets

Jacksonville at Kansas City (+2.5): Kansas City

Atlanta at Tennessee (-8.5): Atlanta

Seattle at Pittsburgh (-6.5): Pittsburgh

Carolina at New Orleans (-3.5): New Orleans

Arizona at St. Louis (+2.5): Arizona

Detroit at Washington (-3.5): Washington

Miami at Houston (-5.5): Miami

Tampa Bay at Indianapolis (-10.5): Indianapolis

Baltimore at San Francisco (-3.5): San Francisco

San Diego at Denver (-1.5): San Diego

Chicago at Green Bay (-3.5): Green Bay

Dallas at Buffalo (+10.5): Dallas

When schadenfreude turns its back on you

Several years ago, Marion Jones did something to really get on my bad side. The thing is, I can't remember what. Was it those really annoying "Mrs. Jones" commercials she did for Nike? Did she say something in an interview that rubbed me the wrong way? Or did I simply have a dream where Marion Jones kicked me in the balls or something?

I don't know. But something caused me to associate her with negative feelings, placing her squarely in my rogues gallery of celebrities I dislike and generally wish ill on.

So I've followed her life with satisfaction over the past few years. First her divorce from her husband (who also doped), followed by her being completely shut out of winning any medals in the 2004 Olympics.

Then a couple of months ago, Jones announced she was bankrupt, and would be forced to sell the house she'd bought for her mother. Instead of being pleased, I felt bad for her. Now, she's confessed to using steroids before the 2000 Olympics. So her career is over, she's facing criminal charges, and will likely be stripped of all the medals she won. This time, I feel really bad for her.

And it sucks, because what's the point of having a totally one-sided feud with a celebrity, if you can't rejoice in their bad fortune?

Anyway, much like the scene in Billy Madison where Steve Buscemi crosses Billy's name off his "People to Kill" list after Billy apologizes to him (and then puts on lipstick), I'm taking Jones off of my enemies list. It's getting pretty crowded, anyway, so I really needed to let a few old grudges slide in order to make room for future ones.

So best of luck, Marion Jones. I get the feeling you're going to need it.

Unclean! Unclean!

I don't like to think of myself as a germaphobe, yet I'm becoming increasingly unnerved by something I keep seeing at various fast food places. Obviously, employees who handle your food are supposed to wear plastic gloves to prevent skin-to-food contact. But what's the point of doing so if they're just going to go around touching other stuff that probably hasn't been wiped down in days, if not weeks, if not months? I can sort of stomach (no pun intended) seeing someone open an oven or cabinet while wearing the same gloves that would touch my food a moment later, but a broom? A trash can?

At a Subway, I once had a guy ring me up and take my money, while still wearing his gloves. Money, of course, is one of the filthiest things in the world. And you know he wasn't going to change gloves when it came time to make the next poor bastard's sandwich. If I hadn't seen him put on those gloves when he fixed my sandwich, I would have told him to keep it and walked out.

Another time when I was at Potbelly's, the person at the counter was making cookies, which involved wearing a giant baking glove to handle the tray. Now, from my own time in food service, I know the insides of those things are nasty as hell. An unholy combination of sweat, mildewed fabric, and God knows what else. This employee was wearing her plastic gloves while also wearing the baking glove. When she took the baking glove off, and came over to fix my food, did she change plastic gloves? No, she did not. Had I not been with other people, who either didn't notice or didn't care, I would have said something. But I didn't want to be "that guy," so I just shut up and reluctantly ate what she fixed. I swear I could taste the sweat, though.

So this has been building up for a while. But what set me off today?

This morning, the guy behind the counter of a restaurant that shall go nameless (not because they're worth protecting, I just can't remember what it was called) was preparing my sausage, egg, and cheese on a bagel. At one point, out of the corner of my eye, I saw him drop the bagel he was holding, but he managed to catch it between his knees. Again, still out of the corner of my eye, I then saw him glance up at me, as if trying to figure out whether or not I'd seen what just happened. As he slowly moved the bagel back up to the counter, I jerked my head around and gave him a, "Don't even think about it," look. He hesitated, then continued moving his arm around, and tossed the bagel in the trash as if that was what he had planned to do all the time. But we both knew it wasn't.

I'm thinking I need to win the lottery or go to law school or something. If I'm this bad now, I can only imagine how I'll be twenty years from now, when I'll need to live in a hermetically sealed house, and have all my meals prepared in front of me with people wearing gloves and hazmat suits.

Damn you, new fall TV season

A couple of years ago, I decided that I was spending way too much time watching television. Even with my DVR, which dramatically cuts down the time required to watch a TV show, thanks to fast forwarding through commercials, I still felt like I was sitting on my couch too much. Which is weird, because in theory, a DVR is supposed to free up time by removing the necessity of always being in front of your TV at night. Instead, it just steals more of it, because you end up recording crap you wouldn't have watched otherwise, simply because you can.

So I made a bold decision: once a TV show I enjoyed was cancelled, I wouldn't replace it with a new one. So eventually, my viewing time would decline to almost nothing, and I could be one of those elitist TV snobs everyone hates. " Heroes? No, I can't really say I'm familiar with that one. If it doesn't air on CNN or The History Channel, I haven't seen it."

That plan hasn't worked out so well. Not only haven't I reduced my TV time, but it's actually probably increased. It's not that I want to be a slave to my TV. It's just that it's free, and requires no effort whatsoever, and every time I think of something more productive I could be doing, like read a book or take up yoga, I compare the effort required to turn pages or contort my body, and just pick up the remote instead.

It's especially difficult each fall, when the networks finally roll out their new series, after teasing you incessantly for months with promo after promo after promo. The good news is, most of the time, the new shows suck, and you can pass on them. Unfortunately, this year, most of the ones I've seen are actually pretty good.

Here's a quick rundown of what I'm watching:

Loving

Dirty Sexy Money
Journeyman
Reaper

Liking

Chuck

Hating

Kid Nation
Bionic Woman

I stopped with Kid Nation the moment I realized that there actually was adult supervision, dashing my hopes of seeing kid-on-kid violence, and I turned off Bionic Woman after ten minutes, because it sucks. But the rest have more or less hooked me, which adds four hours to an already crowded slate. Damn.

When I was a kid, I used to think that astronaut or police officer were the best jobs in the world. Now? TV critic. Getting paid to watch television? Oftentimes, during the work day, so your nights are free? Awesome. Plus, think of all the stuff you get to write off. A new big screen HD TV, cable bills, etc.

I have no doubt that there are a lot of people at the Post who have great, well-paying, fulfilling careers. But I doubt any of them are as happy as Tom Shales or Lisa de Moraes. Lucky bastards. Lucky, lucky bastards.