The Kingdom, Crafty Bastards, and Why the hell are the Ravens on my TV?

- I saw The Kingdom last night. Lousy movie, great war propaganda. By the time it was over, I was ready to enlist. Not in the Army, of course. That would be stupid. I mean in Blackwater. Getting paid good money to shoot terrorists (and maybe the occasional innocent civilian)? Cool! Where do I sign up?

Also, it's amazing how quickly Jason Bateman regressed from his Arrested Development success. The dude's 38. Why is he still getting the "obnoxious, cocky kid" roles? At the end of the film, when the terrorist has the machete to Bateman's throat, I really wanted to shout, "Cut him! Cut him!" But I guess that would have not only been rude, but unpatriotic.

- This morning, I went to the City Paper's Crafty Bastards Arts & Crafts Fair. I would have rather there been more art and less crafts, but what are you going to do? Still, it was a nice scene. A good mix of artists, designers, bohemeans, wanna-be bohemians, hipsters, wanna-be hipsters, passers-by, and people just going around picking up free stuff. I fell into that last category. Scion was a sponsor, so they had a big table of crap like wrist bands, pens, and T-shirts, but there was nothing to indicate that it was free, except for when the guy behind the table would mumble, "Everything's free," every couple of minutes. So you'd see people wander up to the table and look around, but unsure whether they were allowed to take stuff or would be chased down by security if they tried, would wander off empty handed. Not me, though. I grabbed three T-shirts. No laundry for me this week!

Even better than free Scion shirts, though, The DC Conspiracy, a group of D.C. area comic book creators, had a table there, selling some of their stuff. I'd never heard of them before today, but I bought a couple books, and although I haven't had a chance to read them yet, it looks interesting.

- I'm getting really tired of the NFL treating D.C. and Baltimore like one television market. I don't give a shit about the Ravens. I don't want to see them on my TV every weekend. I didn't want to see them last season when they were winning, and I sure as hell don't want to see them this season, when they're losing to the Browns 14-3 as I write this.

I realize it all comes down to money, so it's not like the Ravens are likely to ever say, "Oh, we're sorry. We thought you guys down in Washington would want to watch Ravens games. But if there are other games you feel would be more entertaining, we're certainly willing to step aside." So I'm calling on all D.C. residents to boycott Ravens games whenever they air. And just for good measure, if you see anyone wearing a Ravens hat or jersey outside of Baltimore, go ahead and beat the shit out of them.

Week four NFL picks

10-6 last week; 25-23 for the season

New York Jets at Buffalo (+3.5): Buffalo

Baltimore at Cleveland (+4.5): Cleveland

St. Louis at Dallas (+12.5): St. Louis

Chicago at Detroit (+2.5): Detroit

Oakland at Miami (- 3.5): Miami

Houston at Atlanta (+2.5): Houston

Green Bay at Minnesota (+2.5): Green Bay

Seattle at San Francisco (+1.5): Seattle

Tampa Bay at Carolina (-2.5): Tampa Bay

Pittsburgh at Arizona (+5.5): Arizona

Denver at Indianapolis (-9.5): Denver

Kansas City at San Diego (-12.5): Kansas City

Philadelphia at New York Giants (+2.5): Philadelphia

New England at Cincinnati (+7.5): New England

Why Bears fans suck (or, Why Redskins coaches suck)

While seeing their team at 1-2 on the season is no comfort to Chicago fans, they did seem to get palpable joy out of watching Grossman come unravelled through the first three games of the season. Which is perhaps why chants from the home crowd of "Griese, Griese, Griese" during the late stages of the Dallas contest seemed as much a celebration as an expression of discontentment. (Globe and Mail)

I'm honestly not sure if I'm more annoyed at Bears fans, or in envy of them.

I mean, say what you will about Grossman, he did lead the Bears to the Super Bowl last year. And there were games during the regular season where he put up monster numbers on par with Manning or Palmer. I know this, because in my various fantasy leagues last year, I had this uncanny ability to play against teams that had him on a week where he was really hot, and would score, like, 35 points. Naturally, the very next week, he'd throw a dozen interceptions and end up with -3 points or something.

But because Bears fans take their status as a sports town so seriously, of course they couldn't give him more than a couple of games to get back into form. Ingrates. Not nearly as bad as the assholes in New York who cheered when Chad Pennington went down, but close. (Of course, New York sports fans are expected to be assholes, so you almost have to give them a pass.)

Here's the really grating thing: it's not like Chicago has Culpepper or Carr or Warner or any other proven back-up quarterback sitting on the bench. It's Brian Griese. Brian. Griese. And yet Bears fans--Michael Wilbon, who should know better, included--are acting like the team just signed McNabb.

Okay, that covers the annoyed part. Here's the envy: If it took the Bears only three games to bench Grossman, who took them to the Super Bowl, why did it take the Redskins ten games to fucking bench Brunell last year? Ten games, when fans, analysts, and probably even the cheerleaders wondered what Gibbs was thinking. And unlike the Bears, the Redskins actually had a viable option as their back-up.

And here's the really, really grating thing: if Brunell had done just a slightly better job, if he'd managed to get the team to a barely respectable 8-8, he'd probably still be starting, given Gibbs's inexplicable hard on for older players.

Grossman's contract is up after this season, and there's no way the Bears are going to renew it. Not after benching him like this. Which could leave them in something of a fix, if there aren't any decent quarterbacks on the free agent market. (Sit down, Kyle Boller, I said decent.) It would be poetic justice if they were actually stuck with Griese next season, or some rookie who has no idea what he's doing. But what I'd really like to see happen is for the horrible triumvirate of Gibbs, Gregg, and Saunders to leave D.C. for Chicago next season. Then Bears fans will know what real pain is.

The most adorable racist ever

Yesterday marked the 50th anniversary of the day Eisenhower sent troops to Little Rock to allow nine black students access to an all-white high school, over the protests of the school, the governor, and pretty much every white person in the state.

Last night, ABC ran news footage from that day, which included some angry students being interviewed on how they felt about the black kids being allowed into their school.

This was one of them:

Wow. I mean, seriously...wow. (And in case you're thinking it's sort of skeevy for me to have this reaction to a girl who was in high school when this was taken, bear in mind that she's in her 60s now. So the ages offset.)

Anyway, what was a nice looking girl like her doing taking part in this protest? It just doesn't seem right.

You know, she probably didn't even want to be there. She probably was totally supportive of the integration of black students, not to mention civil rights in general. Why, I'll bet she was just dragged to the protest by a couple of racist, far less attractive friends.

I knew it.

The Gentleman's Guide to Fantasy Football Trades

It's right around this time every season that a lot of fantasy football players realize they're fucked. That the supposedly monster team they assembled on draft day may not be quite so monstrous after all. Sure, some will rationalize it by blaming injuries or meddling coaches unexpectedly utilizing multiple backs, or by going down the list of other fantasy teams in the league they would have beaten had they played them that week instead of the team that beat them.

But the bottom line is, if you're 0-3, you're pretty much fucked.

In the real NFL, this would mean the coach and/or GM would start putting out feelers for jobs for next season. In fantasy football, this means you either start getting trade-happy or become a target for other teams who can sense your desperation and want to exploit it.

Based on some of the trade offers I've received and seen floated about, very few people have any idea how to put together a decent trade. That, or they're just intentionally being idiots. I'm not just talking about newbies, either. These are people with a fair amount of fantasy experience.

So if you suspect you're such an idiot (or if someone has actually confirmed this for you while rejecting one of your idiotic trade offers), here are a few guidelines for how to comport yourself as a gentleman (or gentle lady) while dealing with trades.

If you're a losing team looking to better yourself:

- In a fair fantasy football trade, both teams benefit relatively evenly and come out of the trade stronger than they were before. If you're 0-3 and trying to make a deal with a team that's 3-0 or 2-1, you're not going to get that fair trade. Frankly, you'll be incredibly lucky if the other team owner doesn't bend you over and go to town on your ass. (Naturally, as the season progresses and you become, say, 1-5, and you try to negotiate with a 5-1 team, this will only get worse.)

So don't get all pissy when the other owner rejects your perfectly reasonable offer of, say, Donald Driver for Willis McGahee. Either walk away, or realize that if you want McGahee, you're going to have to bite the bullet and give up someone better.

- Don't use the draft as a barometer as to what's a fair trade and what isn't. Yeah, I know, everyone said Larry Johnson was the no-brainer third pick, and that's why you took him over Addai or Westbrook. Guess what? He's only put up about 30 points so far. And the Chiefs really, really suck, so there's no relief on the horizon. So demanding another first round pick--or even a high second round one--isn't going to fly.

- Don't pull the old quantity = quality bullshit. If you're 0-3, it probably means you have a lot of crappy players on your roster. Three of them doesn't equal one good player, no matter how you might try to convince someone otherwise. Besides, unless really good players are involved, it's annoying to get a trade offer where I'd receive more players than I'd give up, because it means I'd have to drop someone from my roster. Now, depending on the roster, that might not be a problem. But usually, all the players on my roster are there because I think they're valuable or will be down the road. So forcing me to drop one isn't going to make me inclined to accept your offer.

If you're a winning team trying to raid a losing team's roster:

- The "don't make a bullshit offer bit" goes both ways. I mean, sure, try and get the best deal possible. But if the team with LT is doing poorly because their quarterback sucks, don't offer him Eli Manning for LT. Come up with something at least a little more reasonable.

- Don't taunt the other team owner. So he isn't ready to throw in the towel yet and hold a fire sale of his best players. That's his right. Don't be a dick and say something along the lines of, "Yeah, good luck with that." If for no other reason than that it'll likely preclude a trade down the road when he is ready to throw in the towel.

For any team:

- Unless it's a really awesome player that came out of nowhere (hence why he wasn't on anyone's roster), don't pick players off the waiver wire and then try and build a trade offer around them. This is one of my personal pet peeves. If the transaction log says that Team A took Players X, Y, and Z off waivers, and then later on that day, he offers me those players for a trade, I'm going to get pissed. Because if I wanted those players, I would have gotten them off waivers myself.

- Last but not least, the Prime Directive of fantasy trades: Don't be annoying. If someone isn't into your trade offer, trying to cajole them into it probably isn't going to be productive. (This is doubly-true if you're one of those weird guys fixated on getting someone because he's your favorite NFL player. I'm really sorry that you didn't get Chris Cooley in the draft. But the dude was available until the sixth round. Is it my fault you decided getting a quarterback was more important?) Just move on.

This brings us to the conclusion of The Gentleman's Guide to Fantasy Football Trades.

Come back next week for The Gentleman's Guide to Mocking Someone Else's Misfortune When His First Round Draft Pick Sustains a Season-Ending Injury. It'll be both fun and informative.

Google and the freaks who use it

Like a lot of bloggers, when I first started, I was mesmerized by my stat counter.

"Hey! Two more people visited today than yesterday! Hooray!" or "Someone from WJLA reads my blog! I know it's probably just a bored intern, but why not pretend it's Allison Starling?" That sort of thing.

But very quickly, the novelty wears off. Plus, you realize that no matter how many people read your blog or where they're reading it from, it's not going to result in money, booze, or sex. (Well, not for me, anyway. I'm sure it has for other bloggers.)

So really, the only thing I pay attention to now are what search engine terms lead people here.
For the most part, it's pretty static. I still get a ton of Lindsay Czarniak stalkers. I get people looking for info on the DC Universe and various comic-related stuff. Recently, I've gotten a lot of people looking for NFL picks, though given my record this season, I hope they're not relying on them for bets.

But every now and then, I'll get one that grabs my attention, either because it's a bizarre thing for people to be curious about, or because it's an indication of extreme sexual deviance and/or mental illness.

Here are a few of my favorites from the past couple of months:

"OLDER ASSHOLE"

"one of the sports junkies died"

"DC metro stations look ugly"

"hairy armpits spit sex"

"What is Danny Trejo's salary?"

"Stupid hippie blogs"

"where to buy parachute pants in minnesota"

"Hammer Time, definition"

"female fbi agents+boyfriends"

"im to old for high school"

"Bored, lonely, have a meeting, picture"

"how adrian fenty fucked the black voters of d.c."

"how can i find a girl in new york who has herpes"

"can you get an std from a stripper pole?"

"stripper pole, craigslist"

"screw that woman"

"how to screw a woman"

"people licking assholes"

"i'm out of touch"

"bret haber getting fat"

(Okay, fine, you got me. I was the one who wanted to know "how to screw a woman." Imagine my surprise when Google brought me here. And imagine my disappointment when I found no information on the topic whatsoever. Damn this useless blog!)

Godspeed, Tim Hasselbeck

Here's hoping you're a better a sportscaster than a quarterback. But then, you'd kind of have to be.

But hey, regardless, it gets you out of the house and away from that super annoying wife of yours. So there's that.

Week three NFL picks

7-9 last week; 15-17 for the season.

San Diego at Green Bay (+4.5): San Diego

Minnesota at Kansas City (-2.5): Kansas City

St. Louis at Tampa Bay (-3.5): Tampa Bay

Detroit at Philadelphia (-6.5): Detroit

Indianapolis at Houston (+5.5): Indianapolis

Miami at New York Jets (-3.5): Miami

Arizona at Baltimore (- 7.5): Baltimore

Buffalo at New England (-15.5): New England

San Francisco at Pittsburgh (-8.5): Pittsburgh

Jacksonville at Denver (-3.5): Denver

Cincinnati at Seattle (-3.5): Cincinnati

Cleveland at Oakland (-3.5): Oakland

Carolina at Atlanta (+3.5): Carolina

New York Giants at Washington (-4.5): Washington

Dallas at Chicago (-3.5): Dallas

Tennessee at New Orleans (-4.5): Tennessee

It's not all that sunny in Philadelphia

We're four episodes into the new season of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and the show's looking alarmingly average. It's still funny. (Well, not last night's second episode. That sucked big time.) It just hasn't been brilliant. And that's the problem when a show sets such a high bar for itself. Anything short of brilliant isn't going to cut it.

Given the fact that the show has pushed the envelope so far in only two seasons (remember back when Seinfeld was considered really daring, with its masturbation contests and soup nazis?), I'm not sure how much further they can go. But it'd be nice if they actually tried instead of just phoning it in.

I mean, what happened to stuff like this?

Tales From the Netfilx Crypt

This week's reviews: Creepshow III, Vacancy, and Wicked Little Things



Creepshow III (2007)

Plot: Hey, remember Creepshow? And Creepshow 2? It's like them. Except not as good.

Comments: Unless it has Indiana Jones in the title, it's rarely a good sign when a sequel comes out 20 years after the last installment. It usually means some studio flack was going through a bunch of trademarks the studio owned, recognized one that was going unused, and thought, "Why not?"

It's an even worse sign when the sequel goes straight to DVD, unlike its predecessors.

And when the writer/directors' filmographies consist mainly of soft-core porn? It's not looking good. (It goes without saying that Stephen King and George Romero have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with this film, and would probably punch you in the face if you asked them about it.)

Such is the unfortunate existence of Creepshow III.

In the first segment (which borrows liberally from Click), a family's universal remote wreaks havoc, and turns a bitchy teenage girl into a disfigured, boiled-covered freak. Strangely, it takes her about ten minutes before this seems to bother her.

In the second, a lonely man buys a radio that speaks to him in a seductive female voice, and starts telling him to do very bad things. You may not figure out exactly how it ends, but you'll be close enough that you'll almost certainly be underwhelmed.

In the third, a prostitute who moonlights as a serial killer picks the wrong john to hook up with. This wasn't terrible, but the twist comes so far out of left field, you're sort of left scratching your head and going, "Huh?" (If they'd taken about five minutes from the overly-long second segment and tacked them onto this one, it would have given them more time to set up the ending.)

The fourth segment, where two former students try and prove their old professor's fiancee is an android, is the "funny" one. Which is sort of like calling Ringo the "talented" one. It requires such complete suspension of disbelief to appreciate the gag, only the truly dense will be able to enjoy it.

The fifth (and mercifully, final) segment, is your basic revenge story, where a creep of a doctor is haunted by visions of a man he inadvertently killed. It's pretty obvious that at this point, Clavell and Dudelson were just trying to reach the film's allotted running time, and don't care how many people they have to bore to do it.

The fact that the five segments are interconnected in a Pulp Fiction-esque way is sort of clever, but that's one of the film's few saving graces. Even when it's sort of good, it still never rises above the quality of a below-average Tales From the Crypt episode or anything it doesn't feel like you've seen a hundred times before.

Watch it if you're a Creepshow completist or can't find anything better on Netflix. Otherwise, don't bother.

Script: C-
Acting: C
Gore: C+
Overall grade: C




Vacancy (2007)

Plot: An estranged husband and wife check into a sleazy motel, only to discover that they've unwittingly signed on to star in a snuff film.

Comments: It's a pretty safe bet that if you work as a counselor at a summer camp, you won't be hacked up by a guy in a hockey mask. You can be reasonably certain that taking a short cut off off the main highway--no matter how ill-advised this might be for countless other reasons--won't result in being killed and eaten by backwoods cannibals.

But whenever you drive past some run-down motel in the middle of nowhere? It really does seem like there's a better-than-average chance that if you stay there, you're going to get murdered.

Of course, after Psycho, just getting killed in a motel seems quaint. Hence, Vacancy, where people don't just get killed, they get filmed being killed for other people's pleasure, which just makes the whole experience that much more disturbing.

The casting is pretty good for this type of thing. Luke Wilson isn't a name you really associate with horror films, Frank Whaley isn't anyone's idea of a villain, and Kate Beckinsale is always a welcome sight, even though here, all she really does is cry a lot. Under a different producer, this could have just as easily been Chad Michael Murray and Lindsey Lohan as the leads. (Note to any snuff film producers: I'd totally watch a snuff film starring Chad Michael Murray and Lindsey Lohan.)

And yet, the film still felt sort of flat to me. It's not bad, it just doesn't offer anything new or interesting, other than a creepy atmosphere. It almost succeeds at one point, where Luke Wilson's character comes up with a really smart, really un-horror movie character-like plan. Then he does something really stupid, and you think, "Oh, yeah, right. That's more like it."

Even if you ultimately decide you like the film, you'll still likely feel as though something was missing. It's hard for me to pinpoint exactly what that "thing" is. But it's not there, and that keeps Vacancy from being anything more than just your average, uninspired big studio horror flick.

Script: C+
Acting: B+
Gore: C
Overall grade: C




Wicked Little Things (2006)

Plot: A widow and her two daughters move to an old mining town, where a hundred years ago, several children were buried alive inside the mine. Turns out they're still alive. Well, sort of. And hungry.

Comments: You would think that over the course of about a century, people in the town would notice that some weird shit was going on in the woods. I mean, how many people have to camp out or go for an evening drive and not come home before the FBI or Dateline or whatever come in to investigate? A few dozen? A few hundred?

But of course, such logic has no place in horror films. Which is probably for the best, because if we were to dwell on such things, it might be difficult to enjoy an otherwise good film.

Most of the credit has to go to whoever did the make-up for the zombie kids. Because man, those are some freaky looking zombie kids. And that's not even counting the early-19th century cloths or the pickaxes they're carrying. The scenes of them feeding, whether it's on pig or teenage girl, are particularly effective.

The film does have it's flaws, though. In particular, one or two fewer cliches when it comes to characters might have been nice. Let's see, there's the bratty teenage daughter who resents being brought out in the middle of nowhere. There's the creepy loner who knows the secret of the town. There's the evil developer who...well, acts evil and talks about his plans for development.

And then there's the ending. The whole thing seems a little bit pat. Yeah, it's a longstanding tradition in horror films for the undead to have some purpose for coming back, and once that purpose has been satisfied, for them to finally be able to rest in peace. But if I'm a zombie kid, killing the descendant of the guy responsible for the accident that killed me doesn't balance the scales out to where I'm willing to let everyone else go and basically live like a damn hippie. I guess I'd make a lousy zombie kid.

Script: B
Acting: B
Gore: B-
Overall grade: B

Fenty has a lot to learn about cover-ups

The D.C. police officer who fatally shot a 14-year-old boy in Southeast Washington on Monday night was off duty, out of uniform and acting on his own to find a minibike that he believed was stolen from his home, authorities said yesterday.

New details emerged about the killing of DeOnté Rawlings, who was shot in the head after he allegedly fired a gun at the officer and an off-duty colleague. But authorities were unable to answer a question that has raised a community outcry: If the youth had a gun, where is it? (Washington Post)

I'm sort of inclined to believe the cop on this one. I mean, aside from the fact that the cop's car has a bullet hole in it, you'd have to be incredibly stupid to shoot an unarmed kid in the head, and then just hope no one notices that he didn't have a gun. Also, I'm sure the MPD is well-versed in the use of drop weapons. If the kid was unarmed and the cop really wanted to make a bad shooting (be it a mistake or murder) look justified, Rawlings would have been found with a gun in his hand one way or another.

But regardless of what happened, it's obviously a tragedy. So I'm grateful to Mayor Fenty for lightening the mood with a somewhat awkward comment, proving once again that for all his organizational skills, he is not, and never will be, a great public speaker.

Yesterday, Mayor Adrian M. Fenty visited the youth's home, where family members shouted at him. "If there was a gun, police would have it by now," cried Carolyn Rawlings, DeOnté's cousin.

Fenty (D) promised a thorough investigation. "If I wanted to sweep this under the rug, I wouldn't be here," Fenty said. "I would have stayed downtown."

Er...no offense, Mr. Mayor, but it that really how you wanted that to come out?

First, it sounds really fucking defensive.

Second, can we safely assume from this that the next time there's a shooting or something, and Fenty doesn't show up, he is trying to sweep it under the rug? I'm pretty sure he just committed himself to coming down every time something happens where there's even a hint of a scandal, lest people read too much into his absence.

And finally, come on, the man shows up for everything! I once dropped a soda can on the sidewalk, and when I turned on the news that night, Fenty was doing a live press conference on the scene to discuss his new anti-littering initiative. So I really don't get how he expects Mayor Points for doing what's more or less become a perfunctory part of his job.

This is a mistake Mayor Williams never would have made, because unlike Fenty, he didn't feel the need to wear his heart on his sleeve 24/7. Sometimes there are advantages to being half-Vulcan.

He will, he will, rock you

I got an email from the Redskins last night before the game, asking me to support the team. Shockingly, the Redskins' idea of supporting the team is buying stuff from them. Any stuff. All stuff. But especially stuff marking the 75th anniversary of the team.

Anyway, I'm used to getting demands from the Redskins that I prove my loyalty by giving them money, so I was about to delete the email, when I noticed this at the bottom:

So you click on the link, and you're taken here, which explains how you, too, can shill for the Redskins. Pay attention to the next-to-last perk of being a Redskins Store affiliate:

Thank you for your interest in the Washington Redskins Affiliate Program! That's right! It's time for the football! What better way to get your game on than to promote one of the leading NFL teams...the Washington Redskins? Here's the lineup for their inaugural affiliate season:

- 8% commission on all sales
- 90 return days
- Well-categorized datafeed
- Jason Campbell rocks
- Affiliate exclusive coupons and promotions

Uh, not to dispute the notion that Jason Campbell rocks or anything, but that's sort of a weird non sequitur to toss onto that list, isn't it? Unless they're offering to send you rocks from Jason Campbell's yard? Or maybe he has a band and they'll come over to your house to perform a concert if you sell enough stuff?

Regardless, until we know what it means, I'd be careful about signing up for the program. Considering the sort of businessman Snyder is and how many lawyers and marketing people he has, I have a hard time believing this was a mistake.

Could it mean that if you write something critical about Snyder or the Redskins, you're giving the team permission to send Campbell after you and throw rocks at your head?

Are the Redskins trying to make you give up certain rights by putting some unsavory term in anagram form? (Carjack Mobs Pollens? Napalm Jobless Crock? There are so many possibilities!)

Or maybe it's just a really, really, really bad attempt at a subliminal message.

Hey, it's Dan Snyder. Anything's possible.

Planes, trains, but no automobiles

You know, if the D.C. government put even a fraction of the effort into solving the city's real problems, as it is in making sure no one drives to work tomorrow, this city would be a damn utopia.

Seriously, click on all the links to really appreciate the scope of this operation. The amount of organization and community participation is staggering. There's actually more information available on the proper spelling of "carfree" than there is on plans for lowering the crime rate in this city. (Okay, not really, but there's certainly more enthusiasm for making sure everyone spells "carfree" correctly than lowering the crime rate.)

I guess in theory, people are supposed to ride their bikes or walk or take public transportation or something, and realize how preferable it is to driving to work. That, or this is all an insidious plot for the city to take advantage of the decreased traffic to install those toll booths Marion Barry wants.

But I suspect that arriving at the office all sweaty and tired, or having to cram into a crowded Metro train (oh, and on behalf of all the people who take Metro every day, thanks, D.C., for all those extra commuters), they'll only appreciate their cars that much more.

I do kind of want that autographed T-shirt, though. I don't know why. But I do.

Comic of the Week: Suicide Squad: Raise the Flag # 1

Suicide Squad: Raise the Flag # 1
"Raise the Dead" by John Ostrander and Javi Pina
Published by DC Comics ($2.99)

Synopsis:

In a flashback story, Amanda Waller receives word that Rick Flag survived the nuclear explosion that supposedly killed him, and sends the Squad in to investigate. In typical Squad fashion, things go horribly wrong.

Comments:

In the late 80s/early 90s, Suicide Squad was not only one of the best comics being published, it was also one of the smartest, covering ground like international politics and intelligence work, not usually seen in superhero comics. And yes, it also managed to have a lot of people in costumes beating the hell out of each other. The main difference being that unlike most other comics, the people in Suicide Squad had a nasty habit of getting killed.

Its cancellation left a void in the DCU that other writers have occasionally tried to fill, but rarely successfully. So finally, DC brought back Ostrander, the series creator and hands down, one of the best writers in comics.

For anyone who enjoyed the old series, this will instantly take you back, as Ostrander is firing on all cylinders in terms of dialogue and character interaction. You'd never know it's been almost 15 years since he wrote his last Squad story. It was also a blast seeing characters that have gone mostly (or entirely) unused since Ostrander's heyday at DC, like Zastrow and the People's Heroes.

The only bad thing about this series is that it's only scheduled to run eight issues. Considering DC's retro approach as of late, relaunching Booster Gold, Brave & The Bold, and Batman and the Outsiders, it would really be tragic if Suicide Squad is allowed to fall by the wayside.

Line of the Week:

"You'll want to see a doc soon. Maybe get those fingers sewed back on. Oh, and maybe keep yer from bleedin' t'death, too. Cheers, mate!"--Captain Boomerang

Overall grade: A-

Week two NFL picks

8-8 last week; 8-8 for the season.

Buffalo at Pittsburgh (-9.5): Buffalo

Atlanta at Jacksonville (-10.5): Jacksonville

Indianapolis at Tennessee (+7.5): Tennessee

Green Bay at New York Giants (+3.5): Green Bay

Houston at Carolina (-6.5): Houston

San Francisco at St. Louis (-3.5): St. Louis

Cincinnati at Cleveland (+6.5): Cincinnati

New Orleans at Tampa Bay (+3.5): New Orleans

Dallas at Miami (+3.5): Dallas

Minnesota at Detroit (-3.5): Detroit

Seattle at Arizona (+2.5): Seattle

Kansas City at Chicago (-12.5): Kansas City

New York Jets at Baltimore (-7.5): Baltimore

Oakland at Denver (-9.5): Oakland

San Diego at New England (-3.5): San Diego

Washington at Philadelphia (-6.5): Washington

The NFL jersey racket

Suppose you wanted to buy a Clinton Portis jersey. And suppose you wanted something a little nicer than the replica jerseys that most fans wear. But you're not about to spend the $285 it costs for an authentic one, so you decide to compromise and spring for a premier jersey. What's the difference between a premier jersey and your average run-of-the-mill replica jersey? Glad you asked.

The high-quality Washington Redskins Clinton Portis Premier jersey is made of heavier fabric, with nylon diamond weave mesh. This team-colored jersey showcases the embroidered NFL® Equipment patch at the point on the v-neck collar and a team specific jock tag at the lower left front above the hem. The officially licensed jersey proudly displays the sewn on, single-layer tackle twill team graphics at the chest, back and sleeves.

And these are your pricing options:

NFL Store: $99.99

Modell's: $99.99

Sports Authority: $99.99

Redskins store: $89.99 (Wait, $89.99? Does Snyder know about this? I doubt it. He's going to be furious when he finds out other outlets are out-gouging him.)

Or you could just go to TJ Maxx and buy one for $39.99.

That's right. $39.99. Even cheaper than a replica jersey.

Granted, TJ Maxx probably isn't ordering these jerseys through the usual channels. Otherwise they'd have more in stock than just Portis jerseys. (Well, they also have LeVar Arrington replica jerseys from his year with the Giants for only $15 each, but those looked mostly untouched, and I suspect they'll be at the bottom of a landfill before too long.) So TJ Maxx must have purchased them from some sort of discounter. Or they fell off the back of a truck. Whatever.

Still, they're able to make a profit even at that low price, which I think demonstrates that at $100 for premiers and $75 for replicas, NFL jerseys are too fucking expensive. And this isn't just me being cheap, either. I'm actually looking at this from a business perspective.

How many replica jerseys does the average fan own? Probably just one. Assuming you're not one of those flip-floppers that has two or more "favorite teams," one's really all you need. That's all I have: One Portis replica jersey. If/when Portis leaves the Redskins (which may well be after this season), am I going to buy a new one? Probably not. Why bother? Even if Portis is playing for another team, it'll be obvious to anyone who sees me wearing it on gameday that I'm A) A Redskins fan, and B) A fan of Clinton Portis when he was a Redskin, not necessarily a fan of Clinton Portis the Patriot, Colt, 49er, etc.

But if replica jerseys weren't $75 each? If they were, say, $30-$40 each? I'd definitely have more than one. I'd have a Campbell jersey for sure, and possibly Cooley and Landry jerseys, as well. And that's just from the Redskins. I'd also probably get jerseys of some of my other favorite players from across the league: Reggie Bush, Devin Hester, and Peyton Manning, among others. Because once you start getting this sort of collection going, it's hard to stop at just two or three.

So let's review. Under the current pricing system, the NFL got $65 of my money (the jersey I bought was on sale). If they lowered jersey prices, the NFL would get around $150-$200 of my money in the short term, and probably quite a bit more in the long term.

And let's not pretend these jerseys are expensive to make. Aside from being made in El Salvador (under excellent working conditions, I'm sure), the material is of high enough quality that the jerseys won't melt when you get them wet, and that's about it. So I have a hard time accepting the idea that there's a significantly bigger profit margin in selling one jersey at $75 than five jerseys at $40.

I have no doubt that the NFL and Reebok are making a ridiculous amount of money off jerseys, so they're probably not too inclined to mess with a successful formula. Still, as the NFL moves forward with its obvious plan to achieve world domination, not resting until all other sports are eliminated and every millisecond of each broadcast is sponsored by some company, cheaper jerseys can only help. Because aside from fantasies about suspending all the players he hates, there's only one thing Roger Goodell dreams about when he goes to sleep each night: A world in which every man, woman, and child wears NFL gear seven days a week, and the jersey has replaced the suit as standard workplace attire.

And I for one think that would be a fine world to live in.

It's 9/11: Goatees for everyone!

On his new album, Patton Oswalt theorizes that we're living in an evil alternate universe where everything went to hell several years ago. And on the good Earth, "Gore won, and the towers still stood, and we weren't in Iraq, and Paris Hilton had been eaten by wolves."

The more I think about it, the more I'm inclined to agree.

The depressing thing is, in pretty much every single sci-fi story about evil alternate universes, things never end well for the people living in them. The heroes who cross over from the good universe? They make it back unscathed; a little wiser and having had a great adventure. But for the residents of the other universe? They just keep on getting hosed.

The really depressing thing is, even though 99.99% of the population would probably dismiss the idea that we're living in an evil alternate universes, they'd be hard pressed to make an argument that we're living in the good one, either.

I think I'm going to start growing a goatee. Just in case Patton's right.

1 out of 3 ain't bad

For its pregame show this year, Fox brought back the stupid robot.

It brought back stupid Jillian Barbarie.

But you know who wasn't brought back? Stupid Joe Buck.

Look, Joe himself is applauding the move.

Because even he knows how much he sucks.

Week one NFL picks

Last season I finished 166-101 for the season, including the playoffs and Super Bowl. Not bad, but not great. To make things a little more challenging, I'm using the spread when picking games.

Also, I would have taken Indy in Thursday's game, but in the interest of fairness, since I didn't get this posted in time for the game, I'll take it as a loss.

New Orleans at Indianapolis: Indianapolis

New England at New York Jets (+7): New England

Denver at Buffalo (+3.5): Buffalo

Tennessee at Jacksonville (-7): Tennessee

Philadelphia at Green Bay (+2.5): Green Bay

Kansas City at Houston (-3): Kansas City

Carolina at St. Louis (-1): St. Louis

Miami at Washington (-2.5): Washington

Atlanta at Minnesota (-2.5): Atlanta

Pittsburgh at Cleveland (+4.5): Pittsburgh

Detroit at Oakland (-1.5): Detroit

Tampa Bay at Seattle (-6): Tampa Bay

Chicago at San Diego (-5.5): Chicago

New York Giants at Dallas (-5.5): New York

Baltimore at Cincinnati (-2.5): Cincinnati

Arizona at San Francisco (-3.5): San Francisco

Summer Movie Scorecard - Final

Have seen:

The Bourne Ultimatum: A+
Live Free or Die Hard: A
Knocked Up: A-
Superbad: A
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: B+
Hostel Part II: B+
The Simpsons Movie : B
Transformers : B
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End: B
28 Weeks Later: B
Halloween: B
Ocean's Thirteen : B-
Shrek the Third: B-
1408: C+
Bug: C
The Invasion: C-

Spider-Man 3: C-
Rush Hour 3: D+

On the whole, it was a pretty good summer. If I had to do it all over again, this list would be only 2/3 as long, as I would have just waited for the film to come out on DVD. But aside from maybe Rush Hour 3, there wasn't anything I hated outright.

As a fun experiment, I thought about figuring out how much money I spent going to movies this summer, but in the end, I decided against it. It would have just been too depressing.

It's Hammer Time! Well, eventually.

The problem with free concerts is that you almost always get what you pay for. MC Hammer's was no different.

The show last night was supposed to start at 7. But as is often the case with these things, there were other people who had to get their face time first. Some guy from WPGC named Shaq came out to serve as MC and pump up the crowd. He did the typical DJ schtick, and introduced a couple of people from the D.C. Commission of the Arts and the Reagan Building. Fine, whatever. By 7:15, you could tell the crowd was starting to get a bit antsy, but everyone seemed to accept that there's no such thing as truly free, and being lectured on Adrian Fenty's commitment to the arts was the price of admission.

Then the opening act came out. Why does a free MC Hammer concert require an opening act? No idea. The group was called No Label. Because, well, they're unsigned. Get it? Oddly, their manager is a middle-aged teacher from Montgomery County who dresses less like a manager of an R&B group, and more like exactly how you would imagine a middle-aged teacher from Montgomery County would dress. She was actually carrying her oversized purse with her when she came out to introduce them.

This, combined with an increasingly annoyed crowd, had the potential for disaster. But the group was actually really good. It's made up of five women with strong voices, and more importantly, some really catchy songs. Here's their MySpace page, which they made sure to plug often. They're well worth checking out if you get the chance.

So the opening act finishes up, and it's Hammer Time, right? Not quite.

Shaq comes back out and starts interacting with the audience. I knew something was up when he started shaking hands and asking people where they were from, which is always the mark of a performer desperately stalling for time. Eventually he finished up his tour of the crowd, and No Label's manager comes back on stage and says that they've been asked to do another song. There's some audible groaning from the crowd.

No Label finishes their unplanned encore and leaves the stage again. Still no MC Hammer. Nor would there be for another ten minutes or so.

I can't exactly remember the order in which the following events occurred, but here's what happened in those ten minutes:

- Shaq took the stage and said MC Hammer couldn't come out until he knew where the crowd was from. He told people from D.C. to make some noise, then people from Virginia and Maryland. He then repeated this a couple of times. If this weren't a free concert, I suspect something would have been thrown at him.

- The crowd gradually started to lose its patience. Shouts of, "Some of us have to get to work tomorrow!" (Only in D.C.), "We're missing the football game!" and "You suck, Shaq!" could be heard.

- The most pretentious introduction EVER was piped through the loudspeaker. Something about MC Hammer coming to America in 1776 so he could bestow upon us such works as as "U Can't Touch This" and "Too Legit To Quit." Then the voice kept asking people for silence. Over and over and over again. "Silence. Silence. Silence. Siiiileeeence." This created something of a Catch-22, as the voice kept asking for silence, which only encouraged people to make more noise, as they thought Hammer's entrance was imminent. This whole process went on for far longer than it should.

- A couple of times during the wait, people had been impatiently chanting, "Hammer! Hammer! Hammer!" Seeing an opportunity, Shaq tried to get people to do this again (this time in excitement, not impatience), but people weren't biting. That having failed, he called the WPGC photographer up on stage to take a few pictures of the crowd. Then Shaq tried to get the photographer to dance. The photographer declined. Then Shaq tried to get the crowd to give it up for the photographer. The crowd declined.

- Shaq assured us that he was going to "keep it real" and level with us about the delay. He did some bizarre riff about how some artists need extra time before a performance for prayer or meditation. And if he'd stopped there, maybe people would have bought it. But then he added, "But NOT Hammer!" Well...okay. But if he wasn't praying or meditating, what was taking so damn long? Shaq's definition of "keeping it real" seems to differ from most people's.

Finally...fucking finally...MC Hammer comes out.

From there, things went pretty well. He did about six or seven songs, which is about all you can realistically expect at a free concert. And let's be honest, it's not like MC Hammer has a long list of hits to draw from. Still, he managed to put on a decent show. "Too Legit to Quit" and "Turn This Mutha Out" were a lot better than I remember them being. "Pray" was a lot worse. "U Can't Touch This" seemed oddly soulless and maybe even slightly condensed, but it's still a kick-ass song, and he broke out the old dance moves, so everything worked out.

All in all a good show. Granted, it could have been better. A lot better. I hope the D.C. Arts people were taking notes about what not to do when it comes to future performances. But all in all, a pretty good show. (For the cost, anyway.)

Please Hammer, don't hurt us

As everyone knows, MC Hammer's had a tough time over the past decade:

His career taking the downward spiral it did. (Pay attention, rappers: You can't have street cred and star in a Saturday morning cartoon. You can't.)

Blowing his fortune on an obnoxious mansion, a collection of race horses, and a $500,000-a-month entourage, among other extravagances. Then being reduced to making fun of how he ruined his life in that Nationwide commercial.

Being on The Surreal Life.

And now, doing a free concert tonight by the Reagan Building. Which probably doesn't do much for his career or his ego, but is certainly good for us.

Still, here's what made me really happy:

Dropping the "MC" from his name was the worst decision the guy ever made. I guess when rap really started to take off in the early 90s, he felt Hammer would sound "harder" or something. But what he didn't understand was that people loved MC Hammer. The idea of MC Hammer. MC Hammer was fun. MC Hammer wore parachute pants. MC Hammer told us, "U Can't Touch This," and damn it, we believed him.

But Hammer? Hammer just sucked. Hammer wasn't fun. Hammer may have still worn parachute pants from time to time, but you could tell he didn't really mean it. And so he rightfully faded into obscurity. Soon after, he took a look around the flaming wreckage of his career and obviously realized that the start of his troubles coincided with dropping the MC from his name. Of course, by then, it was too late to reverse the damage, but he gets points for trying.

So I'm really looking forward to the show tonight. And I hope he does all his really great songs like "U Can't Touch This" and...and...um...er...huh.

Well, maybe he can just sing "U Can't Touch This" a few times.

Wii have crappy games

I guess it had to happen some time. After months of stores all across the country being perpetually sold out of Wiis, I saw three of them just sitting on the shelf at the Bailey's Crossroads Best Buy. I was actually so surprised, I went over and picked it up just to make sure it was in fact a Wii, and not just some empty display box.

I thought about buying one. Mind you, I didn't really want a Wii, but they're relatively cheap, and people seem to dig them.

Then I thought about the lousy graphics. And the lack of any decent games. And the motion sensor controllers, which frankly, requires a bit more physical effort than I want to exert while playing video games. I'm more of a laying-on-the-couch kind of guy. And then I thought about the new (allegedly) less-likely-to-break-down Xbox 360s coming out in a few weeks, and how the cost of a Wii would go a long way covering the cost of a 360.

So I put the Wii back. Later, I watched an episode of X-Play I had on my DVR, and they happened to show a preview of Super Mario Galaxy.

I think I made the right decision.