Redskins preseason thoughts (week four)

As far as preseason losses go, that was pretty brutal. But the important thing is that the Redskins played well in the first half. All the second half massacre proves is that the second team Jag offense can kick the ass of the Skins' second team defense.

It was fucking stupid to put Jason Campbell in the game. Even for just one series, or for that matter, even for just one down. If he's not ready to start against Miami next week, then a few more minutes of playing time wouldn't have helped. If he'd gone down again, people would have finally broken out the torches, pitchforks, and flammable effigies of Joe Gibbs.

Ah, Jordan Palmer. You looked so good early on. But it turns out you're really just Tim Hasselbeck to Carson's Matt. Enjoy the practice squad.

I'm glad that rumor about Brunell being traded to Seattle, which WUSA reported as fact, is apparently false. I know the Redskins haven't been known for making smart moves these past few years, but not even they would seriously contemplate going into the season with a roster of Jason Campbell, Todd Collins, and A) No one, B) Palmer, or C) Some schmuck they pick up via trade or free agency. Unless the Seahawks want to pioneer some sort of quarterback exchange program, where we send them Brunell, and they send us Hasselbeck for a season, it's not even worth considering.

Thank God preseason is over. The amount of time it takes me to go from, "Hey! Football's back!" at the start of preseason, to, "For the love of Christ, when will this finally end?" gets shorter and shorter every year.

The Washington Post wants to cheer up your blog!

Want to be the feel-good blog of 2007? When your readers are down, do you want them to immediately head to you for relief?

Then look no further than the Washington Post's Iraq Casualties widget!

That's right! In case people ever start to forget that Americans and Iraqis are being killed by the thousands, the Post is here to remind them. Personally, I've long thought that blogs have become far too upbeat in recent years. Even the ones where the writer is complaining about how crappy his/her life is, there are usually a couple of jokes thrown in for balance. With this widget, the mood will stay somber and serious, no matter what the subject matter.

I would sort of like to see the Post expand on this idea a bit. Why limit the fun to just Iraq? Here are a few suggestions for additional widgets:

- The Number of Crimes Committed in D.C. widget

- The Number of Days Without a Terrorist Attack widget

- The Number of Babies Born With AIDS widget

- The Number of Uninsured Americans widget

- The Percentage of New Orleans Still Not Rebuilt widget (See, this one's different, because the number would actually go down. Well, in theory, anyway.)

So thanks, Washington Post! I've been looking for a way to depress my readers, and God knows, the comic book and fantasy football stuff, with the odd Metro rant thrown in here and there, haven't been getting it done.

Draft board? Check. Beer? Check. Stripper pole? Check.

From a Craigslist ad, via Deadspin:

10-20 professional men, ages 24-30, looking for a couple young ladies to serve and entertain us during our FFL Draft party (non-pro's please). Your boundaries will be respected and any ground rules you require will be set before the party starts. $100-$200 an hour each, plus tips for the 3-4 hour event. (pay will depend on attire and is negotiable) If you would like to offer any other services, you will be compensated accordingly. Attire is negotiable, and you are not required to be nude at any time. Please send your age, stats, picture and tell me what type of attire you are willing to work in and anything else you'd be willing to discuss. The party will begin around 6p and go until 10p Tuesday September 4, 2007.

Before any of you feminist-types out there get upset, you'll notice that the ad specifically says "non-pros." So even if the young ladies offered to provide...shall we say, a little post-draft entertainment, the men would obviously decline. Morality aside, what man can think about sex after a draft, when you're trying to formulate trade offers or decide who to pick up off waivers? No, no, don't worry. These ladies' virtues are perfectly safe.

For those who don't have the money to hire private bartenders (or the nerve to post an ad asking women to audition for the job by sending in photos and being willing to pour drinks in lingerie), Hooters is currently offering to host fantasy drafts. Which I guess might be sort of interesting, but doesn't seem like it would ultimately be a great experience. In the very least, however much Hooters is charging to host the draft and serve you bland buffalo wings and Bud Light, could be better spent just going to someone's house and buying imported beer and some decent pizza from Uno's or someplace. Granted, you don't get a waitress wearing a tight T-shirt and forced smile, but hey, maybe someone can bring his girlfriend along to serve everyone.

And looking at the ad from another angle, more and more women play fantasy football every year. In fact, I'm considering adding "Plays fantasy football" to my short list of requirements for a potential spouse. It would join current requirements, 1) Loves horror films, 2) Owns a video game console, and 3) Able to name ten Batman villains.

I can't help but think that true gender equality won't exist in this country until I see an ad on Craigslist looking for a couple of guys to serve 10-20 professional women at their fantasy football draft, attire to be negotiated. I mean, I know you chicks are all excited about this Hillary thing, but I think this would be a huge leap forward for feminism, also.

Redskins preseason thoughts (week three)

I'm pretty much over preseason football at this point, so last night's thunderstorm was sort of a godsend. I like Roger Goodell's suggestion to shorten the preseason by a week, and extend the regular season to 18 weeks. Of course, I'd be fine with them eliminating preseason altogether, along with training camp, and the offseason, and make the regular season 50 weeks long. I'd still give the players a couple of weeks off after the Super Bowl. I'm not a monster.

Wow! Apparently, Brett Haber has gone from just covering the Redskins to actually joining the team: "This is the NFL. We're not supposed to be scared by a little rain and lightening, right? This isn't tennis. We don't call off the game because it's raining outside, do we?" We, Brett? Really? I think the only way Haber gets to make this sort of statement is if he agrees that if a player goes down with an injury because of the bad playing conditions, after the game, the Redskins get to hold him down and replicate that injury on him with a ball hammer.

What a boring game. The Redskins looked pretty good, but if I were a Ravens fan, I'd be concerned. Between the aging defense, the aging Steve McNair, and the still young, but also still completely inept Kyle Boller, it doesn't look good. But since I'm not a Ravens fan, I can just sit back and laugh.

You have to feel for Brunell. After a pretty lackluster first half from Todd Collins, the second half could have been his chance to shine and solidify his hold on the back-up job. Unfortunately, God had other ideas, vis-a-vis the weather. Is He a Collins fan? Does He hate Brunell? Is divine intervention the only way the Redskins can win a game?

Chris Cooley, thinking of all the places he'd rather be right now.
All 14,827 of them, including the dentist's chair, Guantanamo Bay, and indeed, Hell.

Gladiators!

NBC is getting into the ring with "American Gladiators," which has been revived by the Peacock for midseason.

The competition skein -- which featured players with names like Nitro, Turbo and Laser in its campy, early '90s syndie incarnation -- will be updated for the 21st century with new technology and twists. MGM TV, which was behind the original hit, is producing along with Reveille. (Variety)

The adult in me is rolling his eyes, but my inner child is jumping up and down in absolute glee.

I used to love this show when I was a kid. I guess we were supposed to root for the contestants, but I always loved seeing the Gladiators just pound the crap out of them. Especially when it was a really cocky guy (or gal), and you could tell that the Gladiators were probably being a little more physical than necessary, because he'd pissed them off with his trash talking.

I wish I could say that I won't be watching the new version. That I'm now far too mature and highbrow for this sort of entertainment, which is barely a step above the WWE, which itself is barely a step above cock fighting. I really, really do. But I can't.

Solving the Metro escalator problem once and for all

A couple of weeks ago, the Post had an article about what Metro is doing to combat the problem of passengers (almost always tourists) breaking the city's number one rule: standing on the left while riding the escalator.

Metro's brilliant solution? Playing announcements over the PA system, asking people not to stand on the left while riding the escalator.

The truly sad thing is, the brain trust who came up with this idea probably thinks it's fantastic. The problem is, it totally disregards two universal truths: 1) No one pays any attention to the PA system, and 2) People are inconsiderate dicks, and even if they heard the message, would likely ignore it.

Coming up the escalator at McPherson Square this morning, I saw a family of eight or nine tourists just completely blocking the escalator. Really fat family, too. I felt really bad for the girl behind them, as she was walking up, but had to come to a sudden stop when she realized there was no way she was getting by. (Incidentally, I've never been one for missed connections posts, but this girl was really beautiful. So if she reads this and wants to get together for a beer and discuss how much we both hate tourists, I'm all for it.)

Anyway, if Metro won't solve the problem on its own by stationing armed guards at the top and bottom of each escalator (which, granted, would probably require fares be raised to $10 a ride, but I think would be well worth it), it falls to the passengers to come up with our own solution. So I've been giving this some thought. And I think I've come up with a solution that will actually work. One that could conceivably end the plague of left-standers forever.

Someone is going to have to murder a tourist.

I know. It's not a pleasant idea. Well, I mean, it sort of is, but not really. But just think about what would happen if someone confronted a tourist about standing on the left, and it ended with the tourist getting shoved into the path of an oncoming train.

It would make the front page of the Post and be the lead story on all the local news stations. Drudge would no doubt link to it. It'd get a mention on the evening news. The media in other countries would pick up on it. Remember when that dude got caned in Singapore ten years ago for vandalism? Think anyone visiting Singapore spray painted any cars for a while? Word would spread like wildfire, and tourists from Alabama to Zimbabwe would warn their friends not to stand on the left when they visit D.C., because the city is full of crazy fucks who kill you if you do.

Now, I would handle the tourist murder myself, but frankly, I think I've done most of the work already by coming up with the idea. So the next time you're on an escalator and can't get by because some idiot from out of town is blocking your way, consider taking one for the team. You'd be a hero when you got out of prison. Hell, you could probably run for mayor.

Guest blogger Dan Snyder

A few weeks ago, just as this whole sordid Michael Vick affair was still developing, a Washington Post reporter ambushed me in a hallway at Redskins Park and asked me if, given my well-known desire to win a championship, I would ever consider signing him to the Redskins.

I smiled, reminded him that Vick was innocent until proven guilty, and then quickly sidestepped him before he could ask another question. Then I had Lemar Marshall and Marcus Washington follow him out to the parking lot and beat the shit out of him. Reporters know that while at Redskins Park, they're not supposed to make eye contact with me, let alone, ask me stupid questions in my domain. Because I am master of my domain.

(I don't mean that in the Seinfeld-ian way, either, although it's true that I haven't masturbated in seven years. Nor will I until the Redskins win the Super Bowl. Think Jerry Jones would be willing to make that sort of commitment?)

In any case, as you probably know, Vick announced yesterday that he'll plead guilty to felony charges related to dog fighting. So since the question is likely to rear its ugly head again, I figure I might as well deal with it right now.

Would I be open to the idea of Michael Vick playing for the Redskins once he gets out of prison?

You're goddamn right I would.

Oh, spare me your righteous indignation. Have you seen this guy run? He's like Jerry Rice, Carl Lewis, and Jesus, all rolled into one. Okay, granted, he's not the best passer in the world. But frankly, considering our dramatic lack of success at the quarterback position, I'd be thrilled with someone who could connect even 40% of the time.

Will some Redskins fans protest? Probably. Screw 'em. What are they going to do? Cancel their season tickets? Gee, I'm quaking in my Rapiécés Reprisés. Last time I checked, our season ticket waiting list was roughly three billion names long. So I think we'll be okay.

Basically what it all comes down to is this: winners do whatever it takes to win. Whatever it takes. Four years ago, I was in a meeting with Vinny and Steve Spurrier, and I floated the idea of flying OJ in for a tryout. You know, just to see if the Juice still had it. I'll never forget the look on Spurrier's face. Afterwards, Vinny said that he'd never seen anyone actually vomit in horror before. But if it had worked out, it would have been awesome.

Anyway, just keep an open mind, folks. That's all I ask. And if you find yourself getting angry at the idea of Vick coming here, try and keep things in perspective. Just ask yourself who's worse. Michael Vick or the Beltway Snipers? Michael Vick or bin Laden? Michael Vick or Hitler?

See? Now the whole thing doesn't seem quite so objectionable, does it?

Mr. Snyder

Comic of the Week: Booster Gold #1

Booster Gold #1
"Secret Origins" by Geoff Johns, Jeff Katz, and Dan Jurgens
Published by DC Comics ($3.50)

Synopsis:

Just as things are starting to look up for Booster, Rip Hunter shows up in his time machine and ruins both Booster's week, and indeed, his life in one fell swoop, telling him that he has a much different destiny in store for him than the one he wants. One that unfortunately, won't leave a lot of time for joining the Justice League or being respectable in the eyes of history.

Comments:

Since the only three people in the world who were clamoring for a new Booster Gold series were Geoff Johns, Jeff Katz, and Dan Jurgens, it probably took a fair amount of balls on DC's part to go ahead with it. Even when you consider the exposure the character's gotten in the past couple of years, I haven't seen very much to indicate that exposure has translated into reader interest.

I think a lot of people went into this with low expectations. At least, I did. After all, the last thing DC needs right now is yet another continuity-heavy book. But while it does seem like one of those series that you're only going to fully enjoy if you're a scholar of the DCU, Johns and Katz manage to inject something into it that you really don't see that often anymore in mainstream superhero books: Fun. From the plotting to the dialogue to the developing supporting cast, this was really one of the best first issues I've read in a long, long time.

If the creative team can make this series one that's enjoyable on its own merits, but at the same time, rewards readers who have been reading comics for years (i.e., Marvel's She-Hulk), this could be an awesome ride.

Line of the Week:

"You'll go down in history as an ineffectual and incompetent fraud when in reality you'll be the greatest hero history has never known."--Rip Hunter

Overall grade: A

Redskins preseason thoughts (week two)

"Oh...fuck." That was me, Dan Snyder, most of the crowd at FedEx Field, and several thousand people watching the game on TV when Campbell went down. Thankfully, it sounds like he'll be fine. From his tone of voice and given what happened to him, I get the sense that Theisman thinks castration would be an appropriate punishment for going in low against the quarterback.

Todd Collins threw a perfect touchdown pass to Brandon Lloyd. What bizarro world is this?

It looks like someone sat the offensive linemen down in the past week and explained that they're the ones who are supposed to be blocking for the quarterback, and it's the cheerleaders who are supposed to stand around and look pretty. They're not perfect, but much improved.

Landry and McIntosh looked awesome. See, Dan? See, Joe? There's no need to fear the draft. I know in your perfect world, there wouldn't be anyone on the team who hadn't played in the NFL for at least five years, but it just doesn't work that way.

Great, both Marcus Washington and Mike Espy were seriously injured. I hope someone at Redskins Park saw Invincible, because at this rate, they're going to have to hold open try-outs.

For a minute, it really looked like Brunell was going to pull it out, didn't it? But it's preseason, so who cares? The important thing is that the team looked a lot better than last week.

Play of the game:

I'm old and out of touch with stupid kids and their stupid pop culture

When I was a kid, "high school musical" referred to a crappy play held in the auditorium that the drama teacher would direct, and you would go to only if you had nothing else to do. If you were lucky, it didn't totally suck. If you were very lucky, a friend of yours in the cast would blow a line or fall down or something, so you could make fun of them the next day.

Now it refers to a TV movie on the Disney Channel that a shitload of kids became obsessed with last year, as well as the soundtrack, which sold millions of copies. (Note to music industry: when the soundtrack to High School Musical is the best selling CD of the year, you have bigger problems than piracy.) The sequel comes on tonight, so the Disney hype machine is cranked up to its highest setting: Ubiquitous To The Point of Obnoxiousness.

And I don't get it.

I mean, I understand that as a non-teenager, I'm not really supposed to get it. But I watched a little bit of the first movie last night out of curiosity, and...I really don't get it.

It can't just be the attractive cast, can it? There are good looking kids all over TV. And it can't be the story, which "borrowed" pretty heavily from Grease. It certainly can't be the acting, which was godawful. Maybe it's just one of those things that catches on with kids for no rational reason. Like jelly bracelets.

Anyway, no matter how lame a pop culture phenomenon is, it's no fun being on the outside looking in. As you get older, this happens more and more, and you start to realize that the entertainment industry, which catered to your every whim when you were in high school, has a wandering eye, and has moved on to a new generation of kids that's willing to spend money on stupid shit like High School Musical merchandise. And all you can do is just stand there and mumble, "I don't understand, Hollywood. Wasn't I there for you? When you threw stupid movie after stupid movie at me when I was a teenager, didn't I hand over my money without question? When you told me that Vanilla Ice was cool, in spite of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, did I argue? And now you're leaving me for some 15 year old kid? Even though I have a lot more disposable income? What did I do wrong?"

I guess all I can do is sit back and gleefully anticipate the day when High School Musical fans have kids, and are confused and horrified by their choices in entertainment. That is, after all, the only good thing about getting older: being secure in the knowledge that everyone else will eventually suffer through the exact same misery as you.

Geekgasm

Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash

It would have made a lousy movie, but should make for an awesome comic.

Tales From the Netflix Crypt

This week's reviews: The Mad, Acts of Death, and Bloodlines.



The Mad (2007)

Plot: When a bunch of organic ground beef gets exposed to chemicals, anyone who eats a burger at a tourist trap diner gets turned into a flesh-eating zombie.

Comments: I'm not really sure what happened to Billy Zane's career. At some point after Titanic, it just went horribly wrong. But that's okay, because if he was still a big movie star, he wouldn't have been in The Mad.

With the occasional exception like the Shawn of the Dead, I hate horror films that try to be funny. Very few of them actually manage to pull it off, resulting in a movie that isn't either funny or scary. But The Mad mostly succeeds at both, thanks to Billy Zane's deadpan delivery, some pretty decent zombie stuff, and a plot that manages to be both absurd and intense at the same time.

I could have done without the hamburger patties jumping around attacking people (this is where the movie gets a little too absurd), but everything else is worth checking out.

Script: B
Acting: B+
Gore: C+
Overall grade: B+




Acts of Death (2007)

Plot: A bunch of college students sneak into the campus theater for a night of drinking, partying, and roofie-induced rape. Unfortunately, the rape portion of the evening goes awry, and the would-be victim ends up dead. What do you think the odds are that someone will try to get revenge on the people who killed her?

Comments: Despite being formulaic as hell, revenge movies, no matter how terrible, tend to be at least a bit entertaining. And of course, the entertainment value is directly proportionate to how annoying the people being killed off are.

Fortunately, there isn't a more annoying person in the world than the college theater major.

Aside from the sheer visceral thrill of seeing theater geeks getting hacked to death, the rest of the film isn't half bad. Nothing spectacular, but it moves along nicely, and the gore is surprisingly effective (good rule of thumb for horror movies: when a bucket of a highly acidic liquid is introduced early in the film, it's a pretty safe bet it'll be popping up again at some point).

Some of the special effects are dodgy (apparently, showing someone getting electrocuted is really hard to pull off on a low budget), and the twist at the end is a bit of a groaner, but one doesn't watch low budget slasher flicks expecting Star Wars or The Sixth Sense, you know?

Acts of Death doesn't exactly redefine the horror movie, the slasher movie, or the revenge movie, but you could do worse in terms of a rental.

Script: C+
Acting: B-
Gore: B
Overall grade: B-




Bloodlines (2007)

Plot: A family of disfigured inbreds kidnaps women for entertainment and breeding.

Comments: Some might call a movie about women being forced to fight each other to the death, where the winner earns the right to be raped and impregnated by their captors, a tad misogynistic. And if we were just talking about the first half of the movie, maybe they'd be right. But the second half hits you over the head with GIRL POWER! so fucking much, you almost expect the Spice Girls to jump out of your TV and beat the shit out of you.

Don't read too much into this, but I greatly preferred the first half of the movie. Any movie that begins with a pregnant woman plunging a knife into her own stomach, seems like it's going to be pretty intense. But things quickly go from the horrific to the boring, as the film heads down an incredibly predictable path, and when it's all over, and you're watching the touchy-feely ending, you sort of wish the bad guys had won.

There is one nifty element. The kidnapped heroine has two good ol' boy brothers who come to her rescue, so the whole thing feels like you're watching an episode of The Dukes of Hazzard with guest director Quentin Tarantino. Not nifty enough to go out of your way to watch the film, but still somewhat amusing.

Script: D+
Acting: C
Gore: C+
Overall grade: C-

Batman would kick so much ass on Jeopardy

Jeopardy is doing their Teen Tournament this week. Last night, during the part of the show where the contestants tell Trebek a little bit about themselves, this one kid, Hank, said that he's really into Batman. That Batman's his favorite superhero. Hank loves "everything" about Batman. The movies. The TV shows. The action figures. Everything.

Except for comic books.

In fact, he actually prefaced his list of Batman stuff he does love by saying, "It surprises most people, because I don't read comic books at all."

How can you claim to love Batman without reading the comics? I mean, I get liking Batman without reading the comics. Millions of people like Batman. They go to the movies, they buy their kids the merchandise, and for all they know, there aren't even any Batman comics being published these days. And that's fine.

But loving Batman and not reading the comics? Many of which are far, far superior to anything that ever has or ever will appear on the big screen? Loving Batman without ever having read Dark Knight Returns? Without ever seeing Neal Adams' art? Without appreciating the work of writers like Dini, Brubaker, O'Neal, and Englehart, who really get the character?

Makes no sense whatsoever.

Hank went on to win over $20,000, totally crushing his two opponents. So smart, yet so dumb.

Hooray guns!

College students are pushing for their schools to allow them to carry guns on campus, saying they should have the right to protect themselves in a situation like the one in which 32 Virginia Tech students and faculty were fatally shot.
...
There's no way to know what could have happened, but the students at Tech, they really should have had a chance," Mr. Dysart said of the April 16 shootings in which gunman Seung-hui Cho killed 32 persons, then fatally shot himself. "They should have had the chance to defend themselves if it came down to that." (Washington Times)

You know, I was raised on a steady diet of violence in the form of comic books, video games, and really bad 80s action films, and even I know that more guns would have only made the situation at Virginia Tech worse, not better. I really don't understand this wet dream conservatives have, where the moment Seung-hui Cho burst into the classroom, some brave student could have drawn his or her gun and calmly shot him between the eyes...if only students were allowed to bring weapons onto college campuses.

Having said that, I'm going to break with my fellow liberals, and say that I'm perfectly fine with college students carrying guns. I only ask for a few common sense measures to be put into place.

1) All armed college students should be required to wear bright orange vests to class every day. That way, future Seung-hui Chos will know who to shoot first while everyone else escapes.

2) There shouldn't be any bullshit laws passed giving armed students immunity from civil lawsuits or criminal prosecution if something like Virginia Tech ever happens again, and a student firing in self-defense accidentally shoots another classmate in the back. In fact, once that student does accidentally shoot a fellow classmate, he should also be considered a dangerous gunman, and can be shot by any other armed college students in the room without any sort of legal consequence.

3) Should two armed students get into a fight while at a party, rather than one of them just drawing his gun and opening fire and possibly injuring others, dueling should be legalized. The two students stand back to back, walk twenty paces, turn and fire. Given how often tempers flare at college parties, especially once a few beers have been consumed, this should sharply reduce the number of gun-totting idiots in no time flat.

I think these suggestions, should they be enacted, would make everyone in Virginia happy. The students who want to carry guns can do so. The students who don't want to carry guns can watch the students who do want to carry guns get their heads blown off on a fairly regular basis.

It's one of those rare win/win situations you just don't see very often these days.

Redskins preseason thoughts (week one)

What's the only thing even more meaningless than a preseason victory? A preseason victory won in the last 74 seconds, after 3,526 seconds of mediocrity.

Jason Campbell looked good, but not spectacular. Mark Brunell still makes the baby Jesus cry. Todd Collins was awesome...but will probably be cut in favor of Jordan Palmer.

The good news is, the defense held the Titans to just two field goals. The bad news is that they were playing against Kerry Collins and Tim Rattay. Now, if we can just get every team to sit their starting quarterback, we'll be in great shape.

It'd be nice if the offensive line could wait until after the game to take a nap.

London Fletcher was great. An off-season acquisition that might actually pan out? How did he slip through? I'm guessing Dan Snyder meant to get Joey Porter, but wires were crossed.

Any Redskins fan who's said, "Who needs Portis? We have Ladell Betts!" should get neck-punched. Six yards on four carries against the third-worst rush defense in the NFL?

Someone needs to tell Elliot Yamin that the National Anthem isn't supposed to be twenty minutes long.

Don't panic, but Clinton Portis might have the power to kill you through the television with his death stare.

Herpes: Now the official STD of the New York Yankees!

Jessica Alba (before she was Jessica Alba) used to date Derek Jeter, the serial celebrity dater, who plays for the NY Yankees. Well, our source who worked for one of their camps, had to refill her Valtrex prescription for her on a regular basis! Guess who she got it from…that's right…dirty Derek Jeter. ( LA Rag Mag)

Duh. I mean...of course Derek Jeter has herpes. Was there actually any doubt?

The man only does two things in life: play baseball and go out. He doesn't need to eat, he doesn't need to sleep, he just plays baseball and goes out. And just like he's bound to hit the occasional home run while playing baseball, he's bound to pick up some really nasty stuff while dating models and actresses. It's just the law of averages.

And as the article points out, Jeter also dated Jessica Biel, who's now dating Justin Timberlake. Is it possible for a man to bring sexy back when sexy is covered in angry red sores? I wouldn't think so.

On the bright side, I heard Jessica Alba is currently dating Dane Cook. And if there's anyone in the world who deserves herpes, it's Dane Cook.

Remember that poster in your high school nurse's office, that on the left side, had a drawing of a girl who had an STD? The whole poster was set up like a horizontal pyramid. That one girl slept with one boy, who slept with two other girls, who slept with four other boys, and so on and so forth, until the STD outbreak had gone from one student to one hundred? And at the bottom it said something like, "Don't forget...you're having sex with everyone else your partner has ever had sex with"?

I can't help but think that if only Derek Jeter's high school had had that poster, this whole thing could have been avoided.

"Keep that thing away from me, Jeter! I don't want to get herpes! I...oh. It's just your bat. Whew."

White House protest follies

There was a protest at the White House today. Yeah, I know. There are always protests at the White House. But for some reason, the Secret Service seemed especially annoyed by this one, as they cordoned off the protesters and brought in plenty of back up, as they negotiated with the protesters to disperse.

"All right, men, be careful. There are twelve of them...and they're singing!"

A crowd had gathered to watch all the commotion, and after a few minutes, the Secret Service started politely asking people to clear the sidewalk across from the White House. Not to leave the area, mind you. Just keep the sidewalk clear. You could be a foot back on the grass, and you'd be fine. So when one of the protesters, an older woman, heard one of the officers ask someone to move, and she started screeching about how the Secret Service didn't want anyone to see what they were doing, it wasn't exactly a convincing argument.

I guess negotiations failed, because after a few minutes, more Secret Service officers showed up. A lot more.

"Some might call this a questionable use of manpower. But we can't take any chances with a threat like this. So what if we did have to leave the east, west, and south sides of the White House totally unguarded for twenty minutes? What's the worst that could have happened?"

Now, at this point, I think the crowd was gleefully waiting for the plastic handcuffs to come out, and the Secret Service putting people in the back of their cars. Because let's face it, even when you agree with protesters, it's still fun watching them get arrested.

But no. The Secret Service just kept on talking to them. And talking to them, and talking to them, and talking to them. And a few minutes later, all those extra officers that had pulled up? Just left without ever actually doing anything.

I waited for a few more minutes, but eventually, I realized nothing was going to happen. Plus, storm clouds were moving in, threatening to make the whole situation moot. After all, hippies fear water, and would undoubtedly flee once it stated to rain.

So that was basically a half-hour of my life I'll never get back. No one got arrested. No one got shot. Bush didn't come out and announced that he'd been moved by the protest and was going to end the war. Nada.

About the only somewhat entertaining thing that happened was seeing this stupid kid whine, "This is anti-American speech!" and at one point try to get people to start chanting, "USA! USA!"

I can only assume this means he'll be enlisting as soon as he graduates from high school. Good for you, kid. Good for you.

We have a team called the D.C. United?

Sold-Out D.C. United Game Expected to Snarl Traffic

To paraphrase Lisa Simpson, "I know those words, but that headline makes no sense."

All I can say is, after all the hype and people being forced to buy ticket packages in order to see him, the Brit damn well better play. If not, I say D.C. fans get their hooligan on, and show Europeans and South Americans that they're not the only ones who know how to riot over a stupid soccer game.

And who cares, anyway? There's football on tonight. Yes, it's preseason football, but preseason football trumps regular season soccer any day of the week, Beckham or no Beckham.

Money NOW!

In the past, whenever someone has sent me a press release or advertisement to post, I go ahead and do so, often without really even reading it. Because...well, why not? For all I know, I've plugged a KKK rally or NAMBLA meeting or something.

But I got something today that I actually read. It was from someone at the Washington, D.C. Financial Services Organization, and the email started off by saying, "Because you cover DC politics, I thought you may be interested in this."

And I was. But probably not in the way she'd hoped.

The release concerns "payday advance" stores. You know, those establishments where poor people can go to get some quick money, often at ridiculous interest rates. Apparently, the industry has run afoul of the D.C. City Council, because there's a bill up for vote next month that would legislate these places out of business, and they're understandably scared shitless. So now they're attempting to convince everyone that they're really great people, and shouldn't be shut down.

From the email:

More than forty payday advance stores operating in the District have come together to form the District of Columbia Financial Services Association (DCFSA). DCFSA will focus on working with the Washington, DC City Council to enact into law several key reforms to better protect payday advance customers and preserve a popular, well-regulated short-term credit option.

I wish there was a law that said organizations couldn't come up with these bullshit names for themselves, that are meant to obfuscate their purpose or just outright lie to people. You know, like the anti-net neutrality people calling themselves "Hands Off the Internet," or Fox News calling itself "Fox News." The DCFSA should be forced to call themselves the D.C. Loansharking Cartel or something.

And lots of things are popular. That doesn't mean they're necessarily good for people. If they're successful, maybe the DCFSA could expand into crack and prostitution, next.

These reforms include requiring all lenders to:

* Make sure consumers understand the cost of the product by fully disclosing all fees in simple and easy to understand language
* Help customers avoid getting into a "cycle of debt" by allowing only one rollover and offering and extended payment plan, at no cost, to any customer who cannot pay back the loan when due
*Verify that customers have the ability to repay, before approving the loan
*Support tougher penalties for any lender not following the law
*Fund financial literacy programs in the District

In other words, these reforms would force lenders to act like human beings? If an industry actually needs to suggest this sort of stuff, doesn't that make you wonder if this is an industry worth having around?

"DCFSA encourages the DC City Council to enact these no-nonsense reforms into law," said Sonny Eyabi, President, DCFSA. "Our members will be required to institute these reforms to better protect our customers. We hope the City Council will follow our lead, and take the necessary steps to protect DC residents without taking away a valuable tool that helps Washingtonians make ends meet between paychecks."

The DCFSA's concern is touching, but is charging someone up to 16% interest really the best way to help them make ends meet?

If someone needs a quick hundred bucks, they can go to a payday advance store and get it. But come payday, they'll have to repay the money, plus interest. So they're $16 in the hole. Then in two weeks or a month or whenever, they'll probably have to go back to the store and get another loan, which would put them $32 in the hole.

Hey, that sure is a valuable tool!

DCFSA believes these reforms are a sensible alternative to a bill the DC City Council will consider in September, which would cap interest rates on payday advances at 24% APR. The bill is essentially a ban on the industry, because if passed, the maximum fee a lender could charge is 92 cents per $100 loaned. "If payday advances were offered at 92 cents per $100 loaned, because of operating costs, lenders would actually lose money on every advance they make," added Eyabi.

Translation: "If this bill passes, we'll no longer be able to exploit people and steal their money. Help!"

Payday advances are short-term, small dollar loans often used by customers who want to avoid bounced-check fees, late credit card payments or utility shut-off charges. The maximum fee for a payday loan in DC is $16.11 per $100 borrowed.

It seems to me the council has a decision to make. They can either force people to learn fiscal responsibility by taking the payday advance option away from them, or they can let this industry keep squeezing money out of them, in the name of "helping them."

The first option may be unpopular, but the second one is obscene.

DCFSA plans to launch an advertising campaign featuring payday advance customers who believe payday advance is a responsible, and critically important financial option.

Ugh. I'm having flashbacks to when I was a kid and would see commercials for electronic stores featuring grinning black people telling viewers why renting-to-own was a really awesome idea.

"Payday advance stores in DC care about their customers. Our customers are our friends, our neighbors, the police officers who protect us, the teachers who educate our children and the healthcare workers who mend us. We sincerely hope the City Council will enact common sense reforms to protect these consumers and not pass any proposal which would essentially ban payday advance in the District," concluded Eyabi.

You know, I've loaned my friends and neighbors money before. I've never charged them 16% interest, though.

Come on, City Council. Do the right thing and drive these guys out of business.

Fantasy football doldrums

The unthinkable has happened. Fantasy football season is right around the corner and I find myself not really caring.

Don't get me wrong. I'm still in a couple of money leagues. I bought the requisite magazines. I've done my player research. I'm even thinking of joining one, maybe even two free leagues, just for the hell of it. (The problem with free leagues, of course, is finding one where people will participate throughout the season, even if there's no money at stake, and they're completely bored by mid-October. This tends to be extremely difficult.)

But as for that sense of excitement that I've experienced in years past, like a crack addict anxiously waiting until his dealer shows up with that sweet, sweet rock...I'm just not feeling it.

Maybe it's because the NFL has become incredibly awesome over the past few months. As apathetic as I may be about fantasy football, I don't think real football has ever been more interesting heading into a new season.

Will the Redskins rebound after a disastrous season? Or will Gibbs flee town in the middle of the night and Snyder gut the roster in frustration?

Were the Saints a fluke last year, or are they the real deal?

With the best running back in the league, a great young quarterback, and no excuses whatsoever if the Chargers don't make the Super Bowl, how fucked is Norv Turner?

Will Donovan McNabb finish the season? Or is he just finished?

Tom Brady. Randy Moss. 'Nuff said.

Never mind making the playoffs, will the Lions and Raiders even break .500?

And of course, Michael Vick's off-field follies.

So by comparison, fantasy football can't help but feel just a bit lacking. Still, I'm hopeful that as the preseason progresses, and drafts become imminent, the old juices will start flowing and I'll mentally get back into the game. Evaluating players and schedules, making my draft lists, formulating possible trades, etc.

Because fantasy football is important, damn it, and should be enjoyed unconditionally. It's one of those things like sex or sushi or video games, that in theory, one could go through life without...but really shouldn't have to.

Comic of the Week: World War Hulk #3

World War Hulk #3
by Greg Pak & John Romita Jr.
Published by Marvel Comics ($3.99)

Synopsis:

Having already taken out the Avengers and Fantastic Four, the Hulk's rampage continues as he makes Dr. Strange and General Ross his bitches. And did I hear someone say "gladiator fights"? Awesome.

Comments:

As I've often said here, when it comes to comics, I'm a DC guy. When I was a kid, my attitude towards Marvel ranged from indifference to outright contempt. And even now, though that dark era of the late 80s/early 90s has long since passed, it still sort of pains me to say anything nice about the company. Especially when it's not just a case of Marvel doing something right (i.e., Marvel Zombies), but when it's a matter of Marvel doing something right while at the same time, DC manages to do the exact same thing horribly, horribly wrong.

Whereas Countdown, DC's major crossover, is dull and bloated and focused on continuity and character minutia that even the most die hard geek couldn't care less about, Marvel knows what fans want to see: a pissed off Hulk beating the living shit out of people who deserve it. And that's what it delivers.

Not being a Marvel fan, I'm sure there's some stuff in this issue that went right over my head. But in stark contrast to Marvel comics of the past, I was able to go into this with little or no knowledge of the characters or situation, and still really enjoy it. Compare this to an issue of Countdown, where one likely wouldn't know what the hell was going on if one hadn't been reading DC comics for years.

In other words, if the current state of the comic book industry were a race, Marvel is Jesse Owens and DC is Stephen Hawking. And I don't see that changing any time soon.

Line of the Week: "And now the Hulk's come back from a vacation in space with an army of aliens, demanding the evacuation of Manhattan and threatening to kill the planet's biggest super heroes...the same costumed clowns who built that stupid statue for him."--General Ross

Overall grade: B+

Vigilantism, Metro style!

An incident on board a Metro train has some riders steaming, demanding an explanation from the transit agency.

Several riders say during rush hour on July 24, a female passenger was verbally and physically assaulting others on board an outbound red line train, headed toward Shady Grove. (WTOP)

This is why people ought to be able to carry guns around here.

Just kidding. Sort of. But it seems a little odd that in a city largely known for its violence, there wasn't one person on the train who fought back? There wasn't one person who saw what was happening and thought, "Hell, yeah! Finally, my chance to hurt someone and not get arrested!"? There wasn't one person with a short fuse who just stood up and popped the chick? Unless the train was filled with old women and hippies on their way to a pacifist convention, I don't get why this was allowed to go on.

Is it because the attacker was female? I mean, I like to think I'm as chivalrous as the next guy. But that more or less ends when physical assault is involved. I'm not saying I'd go all Mike Tyson on a woman who hit me, but nor would I just stand there saying, "Ma'am? Please stop. Excuse me, Ma'am? I--ow! Ma'am? Please!"

What's really disturbing about this incident is Metro's response:

"The train wasn't held up because the situation didn't warrant it," says Smith. "We are talking about holding up tens of thousands of passengers at the height of rush hour if we stop a train."
...
"We never want a customer to put him or herself in harms way," says Polly Hanson, Metro's assistant general manager for safety, security and emergency management. "We would suggest that people go to the next train car -- wait until the next station and go to the next train car. And then alert the conductor and they will call the command center."

But...but...they were already in harm's way!

This sort of reminds me of high school, where the principal would tell students that if someone starts beating you, the proper thing to do is run away and tell a teacher. Because if you raise fists or try to defend yourself, you'll get suspended right along with the guy who picked the fight.

Didn't what happened to Jesus prove the whole turn-the-other-cheek philosophy to be fundamentally flawed?

I'd like to encourage the citizenry of D.C. to ignore Polly Hanson, who I'm sure is a perfectly nice woman, but is completely wrong in this case. In the event a fellow Metro passenger becomes violent, the proper thing to do is not flee, but administer a good, old-fashioned Washington beat-down. That'll teach the person. And if it gets a little out of hand, just open one of the doors at the rear of the car, and dump the body out while in a tunnel. Hey, things happen.

It's our transit system, people. And it's up to us to take it back from the crazies.

Tales From the Netflix Crypt

This week's reviews: Are You Scared?, Zombie Death House, and Sea of Fear.



Are You Scared? (2006)

Plot: Six young adults believe they're competing on a reality show where people face their worst fears. Boy, are their faces going to be red when they find out there is no reality show, and most of them are going to be killed by a series of elaborate traps. Red with blood, that is! Ha!

Comments: It's a Saw ripoff, and totally unapologetic about it. Yet it's not entirely without its charm.

In particular, freed from the Saw theme of people being forced to learn the value of life by facing death, Are You Scared? can get right to the point: torturing and killing stupid kids in really fun, creative ways. And in this regard, the film mostly succeeds. The bit with the drills is particularly inspired.

As for the rest of the film...meh. The story really falls apart at the end, and you can't think about it too much, lest you start asking questions. Such as, why would anyone even want to be on a reality show like this? Especially the guy whose fear is waking up during surgery. What possible good could come of facing that fear? And considering that the killer's really only after one person, isn't this just a staggering amount of trouble to go through? What are the odds that the one person he's after would even apply to be on the show in the first place? One in a million? Ten million? At what point does he go, "You know, I really should have thought this out more"?

Anyway. It's not a great movie by any stretch, but if you're able to turn off your brain for a bit and just enjoy the blood, it's not a bad way to kill a couple of hours.

Script: C
Acting: B-
Gore: B-
Overall: C+




Zombie Death House (1987)

Plot: It's Oz meets...well, I was going to say, Night of the Living Dead, but that would be a pretty big slap in the face to George Romero. So let's say it's Oz meets some really stupid, generic zombie film, as the U.S. government experiments on prison inmates in an attempt to create super soldiers.

Comments: Ah, the 80s. When men could wear muscle tees out in public without shame. When every Vietnam vet had a friend named "Cappy." When having John Saxon in your film was still kind of a big deal. Good times.

It often seems like certain films are hamstrung by their plots. Nowhere is this truer than zombies-in-prison films, of which there are more of than you probably think. If you got, say, Stephen King, Eli Roth, and a dozen other masters of horror in a room together, they might be able to produce a good zombies-in-prison movie. But I wouldn't bet the farm on it.

The crew behind Zombie Death House sure as hell didn't succeed, but they gave it a decent shot. And oddly enough, it's the parts of the film that don't involve zombies that are the most interesting. Not interesting enough to bother with, though.

Script: D+
Acting: C-
Gore: C-

Overall: D+




Sea of Fear (2005)

Plot: A group of friends set sail on a pleasure cruise, have a wonderful time, and return home safely. No, just kidding. They're actually stalked by a psychopath who picks them off one by one.

Comments: The only thing worse than a bad horror film is a bad horror film under the impression that it's really a clever horror film. "Clever" characters, "clever" dialogue, "clever" plot twists...you can almost picture the filmmakers high fiving each other during filming, thinking they had a winner on their hands.

The problem with this sort of film is that you know from the start how it's going to play out: there's a group of people, one of them's a killer, blah, blah, blah. So it all comes down to the execution, which here, is horrible. For a while it's almost laughably bad as people start to go missing, and even on a tiny boat, no one seems to notice. Then, once the killer and his/her motives are revealed, it goes from laughably bad to just plain bad.

Script: D
Acting: C
Gore: D
Overall: D