A Bond girl even James Bond wouldn't touch

Amy Winehouse will not feature in the next James Bond film. Last week, it emerged the singer, 23, was being considered to sing the theme song. And now it's been reported that the newly married diva was also offered a starring role.

'Amy was asked last month if she'd like to appear in the next movie as a sexy singer in a plush bar that Bond goes undercover in,' a source says. 'Sadly she is too busy to commit to any new projects at the moment but was really annoyed about it.' (Now)

Ugh. Just...ugh.

The thought of Amy Winehouse (who I'd blissfully never even heard of six months ago, but now seems to be everywhere) being in the next Bond film, turns my stomach. I mean, it's not like the Bond producers have a perfect track record when it comes to casting, but this would be a disaster.

Of course, all this is assuming that A) "Starring role" actually means that, and she wasn't just offered some small cameo that her people inflated to make it sound more impressive, or B) Her people didn't simply make the whole thing up (Now Magazine doesn't exactly strike me as a reputable publication), and the Bond people were as surprised to read this as I was.

I'm actually leaning towards the latter, since I have to think that at this point in her career, she'd rearrange her schedule in a heartbeat to appear in the film, even if it meant canceling months of charity concerts and meetings with Make A Wish kids.

So hopefully, nothing at all will come of this. Because I'm not entirely sure what this thing is, but it sure as hell isn't a Bond girl:

iSick

For those of us who are completely and utterly unimpressed with the iPhone, today was a great day.

First, the New York Post printed an extremely unenthusiastic review. Then AT&T released its rate structure for the iPhone: the cheapest option is $60 a month. Which, while comparable to other smart phone plans, is probably more than the average cell phone user wants to pay.

But I'm glad the damn thing is finally coming out, just to end the months of hype. I mean, I love gadgets as the next guy. But it's gotten completely out of hand.

I'm sick of hearing about how awesome it's going to be. I'm sick of hearing about how it's going to be impossible to get one. I'm sick of hearing people bitch and moan about how it can only be used with AT&T. And I'm especially sick of hearing industry people--the ones who should know better--talk about how it's a mistake to get the first gen iPhone and all the bugs that'll come along with it, and then in the very next breath, admit they'll probably get one, anyway.

Will I probably get one at some point? Sure. But not in the extremely foreseeable future.

For one thing, buying any expensive gadget when it first comes out is like playing Russian Roulette with five bullets instead of one. Hell, it's been almost two years since the Xbox 360 came out, and Microsoft still can't figure out how to get them to stop breaking after a few months. Also, I'm a Verizon guy. If I can't get an iPhone without switching plans, I'll wait until either Apple makes them available to everyone, or other manufacturers start making reasonably approximate facsimiles.

But most of all? I don't want to be one of those tools who will soon be out in full force, riding on the Metro, walking down the street, sitting in restaurants, or whatever, whipping out their new iPhone just to show it off. There's nothing worse than people who consider gadgets as status symbols. And much like when iPods first came out, there will undoubtedly soon be a wave of iPhone-related muggings.

Unlike the iPod muggings, though, I don't think I'll have too much sympathy for some of the victims. You want to flash a $500 toy around in public, fine. But don't be surprised when doing so you get knocked on your ass.

Tales From the Netflix Crypt

This week's reviews: Population 436, Deadlands: The Rising, and Deadtime Stories.




Population 436 (2006)

Plot: A census taker arrives in a small town to investigate why, for decades, its population has never changed. (Hint: it has something to do with evil.)

Comments: Meh. That's really about all the reaction I can muster. This isn't a good film, it isn't a bad film, it's just...a film. It's also one you'll undoubtedly feel as though you've seen many times before, since there are only so many possible variations on the "quaint small town with a dark secret" plot.

Really, the only thing that really distinguishes this film is the acting, which is pretty good all around. Jeremy Sisto continues his lot in life as one of Hollywood's least appreciated, and amazingly, shockingly, Fred Durst--yes, Fred Durst of all people--demonstrates some pretty decent acting chops of his own. I'll happily watch him in future films if it means he'll be too busy to record another Limp Bizkit song ever again.

Script: C
Acting: B
Gore: D
Overall grade: C




Deadlands: The Rising (2006)

Plot: In a film that could have also been called Zombies vs. Rednecks, when a biochemical weapon goes off at the Inner Harbor and turns thousands of Baltimoreans into violent, mindless zombies (insert "How is this any different than usual?" joke, here), the uninfected head outside of the city to hole up.

Comments: I'll give it points for trying, but that's about all I can give it points for. You know how reviewers will sometimes declare, " Movie X is a roller coaster of a film!"? Deadlands isn't a roller coaster. It's more like the Tea Cup Ride at Disney World. It starts off slowly, manages to build to a bit of excitement, but quickly flatlines again. And then, abruptly, it's over.

Part of the problem might be that the writer, director, and lead actor are all the same person. I have no idea whether or not he had people give the script a once over before shooting, or give advice in the editing room, but a little bit of tightening--okay, a lot of tightening, especially in the beginning--would have worked wonders.

On a side note, there's an interesting disclaimer at the start of the film. Apparently, there are several other properties that have trademarks on Deadlands or The Rising, and the filmmakers disavow any association with all of them. Me, I would have taken this as a sign that I just shouldn't call my film Deadlands: The Rising, and instead gone with the title that a zombie film set in Baltimore should have: Ray Lewis, Zombie Smasher .

Script: D
Acting: C-
Gore: C
Overall grade: D+




Deadtime Stories (1986)

Plot: In order to get his nephew to go to sleep, a man tells him three (allegedly) nightmarish bedtime stories. In the first, witches force a slave boy to help them resurrect their sister. In the second, a werewolf terrorizes a woman and her grandmother after a mix-up at the pharmacy. And in the third, a psychotic Goldilocks teams up with the equally psychotic Baer Family, and embarks on a crime spree.

Comments: As soon as the opening credits started, I realized that I'd watched this when I was a kid. I can only assume that I blocked it from my memory, lest the trauma prove to be too great to handle.

The charm of horror anthology movies is that there's almost always one really good segment, one so-so segment, and one complete piece of crap. Deadtime Stories bravely bucks this trend by offering three pieces of crap.

The first is the only one that's even remotely any good, and that's mostly just by comparison to the other two. The second is cheap and predictable, and serves mainly as a chance to work in a little T&A. The third has a promising premise, but it's wasted by numerous attempts at humor, all of which are unsuccessful. I think the film's biggest mistake overall was setting the second two stories in modern times. Re-imagining "Little Red Riding Hood" and "Goldilocks and the Three Bears" as horror stories in their original settings would have worked so much better.

Deadtime Stories' one saving grace is its opening sequence, especially its theme song. The visual of pages being turned in a storybook by the hands of various monsters is oddly creepy, creating an anticipation that the rest of the film never comes close to delivering on. The song is just awesome. I couldn't find it anywhere to download, so I ended up just putting a microphone near the TV and recorded it myself as an MP3. Seriously, it's one of the catchiest things I've heard in a long time. It's worth a rental just to hear it. Just remember to stop the DVD when it's over and the actual film begins.

Script: D
Acting: D
Gore: D
Overall grade: D

Rebuilding 24

"It's over, Audrey. You're practically a vegetable, and I have needs. Now, seriously...let go of me."

Much like a football team after a disastrous season, the producers of 24 are taking the offseason to rethink their approach, evaluate personnel, and generally figure out what they need to do in order to get back on track.

TV Guide supposedly has some information regarding what we can expect next season.

1. A female president

Jesus, this will be the fifth presidential administration during the course of the series. Even when you consider the various resignations and deaths, shouldn't Jack be well over fifty by now? And you know, this show often gets called "a conservative's wet dream," but there have been not one, but two black presidents, and now a woman? Seems like the show has a nasty little liberal streak.

Anyway, this seems like little more than a cosmetic change. It's not like there haven't been strong women in positions of authority on the show before, so I'm unsure what value there will be in seeing Jack butt heads with a woman. All things being equal, I would have just kept Wayne in office. Or better yet, have him resign due to health concerns, and put VP Noah in charge.

2. A female FBI agent

I'm guessing this will be a new love interest, which is fine, because God knows Jack's last love interest sucked. Actually, I sort of like the idea of Audrey off someplace, borderline-catatonic and muttering to herself, while Jack taps a little Quantico ass.

3. Moving the action out of Los Angeles

Fucking finally. Of all the unbelievable crap on this show, the fact that terrorists would continually strike Los Angeles of all places, was the most unbelievable. Hello, terrorists? Ever hear of a little town called New York? D.C.? What, these are no longer targets? It's all about nuking L.A. with you guys? Really?

4. Ditching CTU

Has there ever been a worse place to work? Besides the high mortality rate among employees, constant explosions, nerve gas attacks, and armed raids a fact of life, and the ugly office politics, CTU has become a joke. Even under the Bush Administration, this crap wouldn't fly. The place would have been shut down years ago. But I guess we'll have to settle for the next best thing, with CTU shown little, if at all.

In any case, I'm cautiously optimistic about next season. This show is badly in need of retooling, and it's good to see the producers are clearly aware of this.

And it's important to remember that history is on our side. Consider:

Season 1: Good
Season 2: Great
Season 3: Horrible
Season 4: Good
Season 5: Great
Season 6: Horrible

So it looks like we're on the upswing of the cycle. At least, that's what I'm going to be telling myself for the next six months until the season premiere.

Comic of the Week: The Flash #13

The Flash #13
"Fastest Man Alive" by Marc Guggenheim & Tony Daniel
Published by DC Comics ($2.99)

Synopsis:

A powerless Flash battles the Rogues. They kill him. End of Bart Allen, end of series.

Comments:

Of all the horrible decisions Geoff Johns has made in his relatively brief career--and he's made many--taking Impulse, a fantastic character who had had a (mostly) fantastic series, and sucking all the originality out of him by making him Kid Flash, and then further damaging him by shoehorning him into the Flash costume, has to be numero uno.

DC's sudden 180 degree turn on this in the face of low sales and even lower fanboy approval, can be seen as nothing short of a groveling mea culpa to readers. "Hey, guys. Yeah, okay, we fucked up. Here's your Wally West back. Heck, we'll even toss in Mark Waid. It'll be just like the happy, go-lucky 90s all over again. Whaddaya say? Pals again?"

Unfortunately, it's too little, too late. A good character's been killed off, not due to story needs, but editorial desperation. Will DC learn anything from this experience? Even if it's something as basic as, "Don't hand an incredibly important relaunch to a TV writer with no comic book writing experience"? Almost certainly not. They just wouldn't be DC Comics if they did.

Line of the Week:

"I want to kill the Flash. All of us do. But look at him... This...child. He isn't the Flash."--Abra Kadabra

Overall grade: D+

Happy, naked protesting

I apologize for the poor photo quality, but this was taken with my camera phone from across the street.

I'm not entirely sure what these kids were protesting yesterday--from their signs and lack of clothing it appeared to have something to do with animals (I dunno, I guess they're in favor of killing more of them or something. Good for them.)--but if you're going to protest in your underwear, please, do everyone a favor and spend a few weeks going to the gym beforehand. It's just common courtesy.

Still, you have to respect their dedication. So today, I'm going to support their cause by eating a burger for lunch, buying a new leather jacket, and picking up various products that were tested on animals. I think it's what they'd want.

The politics of the penny tray

When I worked food service, the Take-a-Penny, Leave-a-Penny tray by the cash register was the bane of my existence. I figure that about 10% of any given shift was spent monitoring it to make sure I fished all the nickles, dimes, and quarters out of it as soon as they went in, so no customer could just reach in and pay for half his purchase from the penny tray. (Depending on my mood, those nickles, dimes, and quarters would either go into the register or my pocket. Since we weren't allowed to have a tip jar, the penny tray became our tip jar by default. And by "our," I mean "my," since I was assistant manager, and I sure as hell wasn't going to share with underlings.)

Of course now, as a working adult, I view the penny tray as friend, not foe, and regularly take advantage of it. However, I still maintain a healthy respect for it, only taking one, maybe two cents out at a time, and over the years, I've definitely left more pennies than I've taken.

Today, however, I went to the convenience store across the street from my office, and when the owner was finished ringing me up, I realized I was eight cents short. I glanced at the penny tray. Eight cents. So I reached in, grabbed all the pennies, and handed the money to the owner.

He gave me a dirty look, and I could tell that he was mulling it over in his head whether or not to say something. On one hand, I'd totally just abused the privilege of the penny tray, and he would have been well within his rights to call me on it. On the other hand, I go in there almost every day, so he recognized me, and he knew that I've spent a ridiculous amount of money on newspapers, gum, energy drinks, and various other stuff.

So the question he clearly was asking himself was, "If I say something, is he enough of a self-righteous prick that he'll take his business elsewhere?" And the answer I was trying my best to communicate by looking him in the eyes was, "Yes."

In the end, he just put my stuff in a bag, forced a smile, and said, "Have a nice day."

The part of me that was relieved to have avoided a potentially disastrous confrontation that would have forced me to walk two more blocks to the next-closest convenience store from now on, was pleased. But the part of me that still remembers working food service and hating anyone who took advantage of the system like that, couldn't have been more disappointed in him.

WTTG embraces shamelessness

Normally, when a local TV station runs one of those promos boasting about how they broke a story or were first on the scene, the story in question is at least somewhat important. A police shooting. A corruption scandal. A panda giving birth. Whatever.

As such, you don't see many such promos that boast about breaking sports stories. In fact, while I'm sure there have been more, the only two promos I can recall in the time I've lived here were from the station that broke the news about Joe Gibbs leaving the Redskins, and the station that broke the news about Joe Gibbs coming back to the Redskins.

So imagine my surprise--and indeed, disgust--when I saw a promo on WTTG last night, bragging about how they broke the story of...wait for it...Tiger Woods's wife giving birth.

How is this news? I don't just mean, how is this promo-worthy news? I mean, how is it news, period? Did the kid pop out holding a golf club? Did the LPGA preemptively name her the top seeded player? Did the Pope declare her to be the Second Coming?

Okay, fine, I get the fact that Tiger Woods is a celebrity and he's doing his tournament here next month, so the story is bound to get some attention. But it's nothing you read online and immediately call your friends about. And it sure as hell isn't something you're going to be impressed with when WTTG smugly informs you that they're the ones who broke the story.

Come on, WTTG, this is sort of pathetic, guys. If I'm Dave Feldman, I'm running down to the promo department and kicking someone's ass for making look like a schmuck. Brian Bolter seems like he probably is a schmuck, so he can't really complain.

Dan Snyder pays millions for Dick

Snyder, whose RedZone Capital private equity firm has assembled an expanding set of entertainment-oriented investments, announced this morning that it had purchased Dick Clark Productions, Inc. for $175 million.

Along with Bandstand, Snyder gets a host of other endeavors controlled by Clark -- including the perennial New Year's Rockin' Eve broadcast from Times Square, the Golden Globes awards show, the American Music Awards, and the Academy of Country Music Awards. (Washington Post)

I know that Dan Snyder is desperate to break into the entertainment biz, but Dick Clark Productions? Does anyone actually watch most of those awards shows? The only thing that seems to have any value whatsoever are the Golden Globe Awards, and I suspect that'll change quickly if Snyder starts meddling with it the same way he meddled with the Redskins when he first bought them. ("No, Mr. Snyder. I know he's your friend...fine, best friend...but we're not going to give Tom Cruise the Lifetime Achievement Award this year, let alone, every year as you've suggested. And no, we're not going to put the Redskins logo on the podium.")

Oh, and I hope that as part of the deal, Dick Clark got it in writing that he gets to keep hosting New Year's Rockin' Eve. Otherwise, it's hasta la vista. This New Year's, it'll be all Seacrest, all the time. After all, one of the first things Snyder did after buying Six Flags was declare that Mr. Six, the dancing old guy from the commercials, was "pointless" and announce he was being dropped. What chance does Dick Clark have?

If this becomes even half the train wreck that Red Zebra Radio has become, we're in for quite a show.

You know, I realize that Redskins fans bitch and moan about Snyder, and to a degree, I can understand why. But he gives us so much entertainment, and asks for nothing in return except for lots and lots of our money and no criticism whatsoever. That's not really so much, is it?

Is it?

Geekgasm

Suicide Squad: Raise the Flag #1.

John Ostrander back on Suicide Squad. Mark Waid back on The Flash. Garth Ennis doing a Hitman story. It's like the comic book universe is slowly but surely righting itself.

Now if we can just get Giffen and DeMatteis back on Justice League, convince Gerry Conway to come out of retirement, and somehow find a way for Jim Aparo's spirit to draw Batman, everything will be absolutely perfect.

Overachieving and the city

Standing before Judge Robert Richter last Friday, Sedigh attempted to explain his decision to break into his college registrar's office three years after graduation.

At first, he said he didn't know what was going through his head. Richter wasn't satisfied with that explanation. So Sedigh offered, "It was a terrible decision." (Washington City Paper)

New York may have better restaurants than D.C., its residents may be more cultured, there's apparently something like a 1:10 model-to-schlub ratio there, as opposed to here, where it's more like 1:500, and most impressively, its sports teams actually win now and then.

But if there's one thing D.C. does best, it's inflating resumes without resorting to stupid shit like breaking into your college to change your grades.

If Matin Sedigh had paid attention when he was living here, as opposed to doing whatever it was he was doing instead of studying, he'd know that it's really easy to lie about your academic credentials. God only knows the number of people in this city who are still receiving post-graduate degrees from diploma mills that haven't been red flagged yet. (The number would surely be a lot higher if the press hadn't made such a big deal about it a few years back. Hell, I'd probably have a masters and a Ph.D. by now.)

And if you don't feel like putting something like Regent International University or London College of Technology on your resume, just lie. Everyone does it. No one checks. Bumping your GPA up a bit won't draw any attention, except from only the most anal retentive HR department. And if by some chance you do get caught, just claim ignorance:

"3.8? I wish! No, I got a 3.3 in college. What's that? Why does it say 3.8 on my resume? Hmmm. That's a good question. I...oh, hey, look! It appears as though some of the ink from the left side of the three got smudged a bit, thus making it appear to be an eight. That's really funny. Oh, well, better get back to work."

And to top it all off, it's not like the guy's unemployed and desperate. He's a vice president at Merrill Lynch. Wouldn't it make more sense to distinguish himself there, instead of worrying about how people will view his undergrad grades?

Two more things from the article jumped out at me.

First, Sedigh claims one of his favorite books is The Fountainhead. Academics and intellectual wannabes aside, no one's favorite book is The Fountainhead. Stop being so fucking pretentious, dude.

Second, it's one thing to attempt to keep a conviction from your employers. It's usually ill-advised, but somewhat understandable. But coming right out and proclaiming that you're going to attempt to keep a conviction from your employers?

After the hearing, Sedigh seemed convinced he could sequester the incident from the rest of his successful post-college career. He said he didn't know whether his employers are aware of his arrest and guilty plea.

"I'd like to avoid any paper trail," he said.

Yeah, I hope that works out for you, Matin Sedigh. It's a good thing potential employers never Google job applicants, especially ones with a name as unique as Matin Sedigh. Because if someone were to do a search for Matin Sedigh, that could be a real problem for you.

Dumbass.

Comic of the Week: Fables: Sons of Empire

Fables, Vol. 9: Sons of Empire
by Bill Willingham & Mark Buckingham
Published by DC/Vertigo ($17.99)

Synopsis:

The Emperor's lieutenants gather in order to begin plans for their eventual invasion of Fabletown. The first step is sending Grand Inquisitor Hansel (yes, that Hansel) to Fabletown as the Empire's official envoy. And if part of his mission is to drive the government of Fabletown crazy, it seems to be working.

In other stories, some of the lesser-seen Fables get the spotlight (however briefly), we find out how Santa Claus operates, Flycatcher is having a really bad time, and Bibgy, Snow White, and the kids visit Bigby's father in the Homelands.

Comments:

I constantly go back and forth as to whether or not Fables or Ex Machina is the best comic currently being published. At least until the next Ex Machina TPB comes out, Fables has once again regained the crown. Exciting, funny, literate, and often touching, it's a tragedy that whenever I've tried to push this series on people, they typically refuse on not one, but two levels. First, because it's a comic book. Second, because it features characters from fairy tales. (Yet America will happily go see Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer to the tune of $57 million dollars in its opening weekend. Go figure.)

In regards to this collection, there's a lot to like. The inner-workings of the Empire are always interesting to read about. The Santa Claus story, which could have easily just been a throw-away gag, hints at important things to come. And the gimmick of letting readers submit questions and answering them in a special issue, was absolute gold, even if not all of the questions were.

The one weak spot of the collection is the two issues devoted to Bigby and Snow's visit to the Homelands. Whenever Willingham takes a break from the main storyline and/or the ensemble cast he's masterfully established and focuses on just one or two characters, the result is a mixed bag. Sometimes good, sometimes...well, not so good.

But I've always found Snow and Bigby's relationship to be particularly dull, even more so since their kids came into the picture. But because their family is more or less a cornerstone of the series, there really isn't much to do except grin and bear it. Fortunately, even a dull issue of Fables is still pretty damn good.

Line of the Week:

"You know what I'm after, fat man. The naughty and nice lists! The greatest compendium of juvenile crime in human history!"--Jack

Overall grade: B+

Is this Batman or Robocop?

I guess the suit could be worse. It could have nipples. Or George Clooney still inside of it.

Still, the whole thing seems a bit too robotic and intricately designed, especially from the waist down. Obviously, a faithful reproduction of the costume from the comics would be impossible, but I thought they still did a great job with the Batman Begins costume. This seems like a pretty big step backwards.

Granted, it's not nearly as alarming as this:

But the amount of liberties Christopher Nolan is taking with the characters' appearances is almost starting to be Schumacher-esque. Why make the changes in the first place? If asked, I guarantee Nolan would probably say, "Realism."

And in the end, this is the difference between films based on Marvel properties and films based on DC properties: Marvel films are happy just being comic book flicks. DC films try to be art.

And sadly, that's why Marvel films will almost always win out.

Summer Movie Scorecard

Have seen:

Knocked Up: A-

Hostel Part II: B+
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End: B
28 Weeks Later: B
Ocean's Thirteen : B-
Shrek the Third: B-
Bug: C

Spider-Man 3: C-

Definitely seeing:

1408
Live Free or Die Hard
Transformers
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
The Simpsons Movie
The Bourne Ultimatum
Fanboys

Might see:

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
Evan Almighty

Black Sheep

Sicko
Rush Hour 3
The Invasion
Superbad

Balls of Fury

Tales From the Netflix Crypt

This week's reviews: Big Bad Wolf, Backslash, and The Messengers.




Big Bad Wolf (2006)

Plot: A bunch of college kids head out for a weekend getaway in a cabin in the woods, only for most of them to be slaughtered by a werewolf. And by "slaughtered," I mean disembowled, raped, and castrated (not necessarily in that order). Two of them manage to escape and make it back home, but soon realize that they're still very much in danger.

Comments: This was sort of a pleasant surprise. I don't normally go for werewolf films, so for all I know, there are tons of them that feature talking werewolves that make wisecracks as they kill people. But this is the first time I've seen it done, so it seemed like a pretty original concept.

While the film hits a slow patch now and then, it had enough gore and genuinely funny moments to keep me interested. For a relatively low-budget film, it looks really sharp. Except for one poorly done CGI shot where the villain transforms into the werewolf, it could easily pass for a film with a much higher budget.

All in all, a pretty good film.

Script: B
Acting: B-
Gore: B+
Overall: B




Backslash (2005)

Plot: A killer stalks community college coeds who are staring in a student-made horror film.

Comments: This movie sucked. Really sucked. It looks cheap, the plot, such as it is, shamelessly rips off other, better horror films (Scream 2 being the most obvious), and pretty much every attempt at humor--and there are many such attempts--falls flat.

And yet...I sort of dug it. I don't know why. My tolerance for shitty horror films is pretty low. I've tossed many a movie back into the Netflix envelope within five minutes of putting it in the DVD player. But there was something about this one that kept me watching. The acting isn't entirely terrible. In fact, the lead actress is pretty good. There was at least one twist I didn't see coming. And okay, maybe some of the jokes work.

It's nothing I can really recommend, but for a film that looks like it had a budget of about ten dollars, it's not a total train wreck. I guess that's sort of a moral victory.

Script: D+
Acting: C
Gore: D+
Overall: C-




The Messengers (2007)

Plot: Stop me if you've heard this one before: a family moves into a new house, only to discover that the previous residents were murdered, and currently haunting the place.

Comments: There are a couple of creepy moments, and occasionally, it seems as though the plot might actually be going in an interesting direction. But then it's like the filmmakers quickly realize their mistake, and go right back to being dull. Example: what's the point of having the creepy real estate agent push the father to sell the farm to a mysterious buyer, if it never actually leads anywhere?

The "big twist" at the end is amazingly weak, and leaves you wondering why the ghosts were so pissed off at the family in the first place, as opposed to the real object of their irritation.

The film's one saving grace is the acting, thanks to the presence of Dylan McDermott, Penelope Ann Miller, and a surprisingly decent performance by Kristen Stewart, in the always-thankless teenage heroine role. But no one goes to horror movies for the acting, so ultimately, none of that really matters.

All in all, a tremendous waste of time, money, and talent.

Script: C-
Acting: B
Gore: D-
Overall: D+

Cheaters

As Washington area students complete final exams, teachers are using whatever means possible to expose cheaters, or at least scare them off before they try. Although cheating has been monitored at least since the advent of the No. 2 pencil, many teachers and students say enforcement has become more aggressive than ever. (Washington Post)

Some of the tactics teachers are now using to crack down on cheating are really devious, and I applaud them. I especially like the one where they pass out tests that appear to be similar (i.e., marked Test A), but actually have different questions. God knows, when I cheated my way through high school, it felt like Christmas when the smart kid who sat next to me would get the same version of the test as I did.

But not letting students listen to iPods or check their phones during a test? This is really a bold, new initiative? Implying that at one point, before teachers caught on, it was considered acceptable?

Hey, if you want to be the cool, hip teacher who lets his students listen to music because it "helps them focus" or text message their friends in between questions, you can't really complain when it results in a cheating epidemic.

Hostel Part II

I liked it a lot. Not as good as the first one, but still really entertaining in its own right.

Spoilers follow...


The Good

-- I've always been a sucker for horror sequels where the surviving character(s) from the previous film gets killed in the beginning. It adds a sense of...I dunno. Inevitability? Like, you can outrun the bad things in the world for a while, but never really escape them.

I wasn't wild about the dream sequence they used to open the film. It's an overused gimmick that I doubt fooled many people. But the big reveal of Paxton's headless corpse sitting at the breakfast table made it all worth it.

-- I loved the insight we got into Elite Hunting. The passport scanning, the tattoos, the contracts, the staff, etc. And the bidding process was brilliant.

-- Showing more of Slovakia was a really good idea. You would think that with all that money flowing in, the town would actually be a pretty decent place to live. Yet in the first film, it seemed like a claustrophobic, depressing shithole. So showing that it it has mansions, a spa, and town festivals, was a nice touch.

-- Was the ending really "the most shocking ending in horror movie history"? I dunno. Probably not. It was still pretty good, though. I guess a guy getting his dick cut off and fed to a dog, and being left to bleed to death is shocking, but I would have been more impressed if the ads hadn't oversold it.


The Bad

-- The torture scenes were a letdown. Nothing even close to the intensity of the one in the first film. In fact, they were a bit over-the-top, which is generally not a place horror films should go. Did I get a kick out of the blood bathtub, and Victor Krum getting sliced up and eaten? Sure. But it seemed like Roth was more interested in getting laughs than making people squirm.


The Ugly

-- There were a couple of minor plot holes in Hostel that I was able to overlook, because the rest of the film was so enjoyable. But there are a couple of major plot holes in Hostel Part II that I can't overlook.

First, Paxton, having successfully made it back to the U.S., hasn't told anyone about what happened to him except the old girlfriend he's hiding out with. His reason for this is that the organization is so connected, it would be suicide. And Paxton knows this...how, exactly? He only saw a small part of the operation. It's a bit of a leap to suddenly decide that it's an all-powerful global conspiracy, isn't it? And even if it were, no conspiracy is absolute. Shouldn't he have at least tried to get the word out by going to the media or the FBI, instead of just waiting to be picked off?

Second--and far more annoyingly--at the end, Brooke escapes by offering to buy her way out. And Sasha, the guy who runs the whole organization and is already loaded, actually goes for it . As if the very first thing Brooke does when she gets home, won't be to call the authorities or use her wealth to hire a few dozen mercenaries to storm the place, guns blazing? Come on. It seemed like a betrayal of both the film's premise and basic common sense, for him to let her go.

In the very least, shouldn't they have forced her to murder an innocent person instead of the guy who was about to rape, torture, and kill her? I'm not sure it would have proven her loyalty, but at least it would have brought her down to their level, in a way.


To Sum Up:

All in all, Hostel Part II is a great follow-up to the first one. Not too similar, but also not too different, which I think is the key to making a successful sequel. But considering the somewhat unsatisfying note it ends on, Roth really needs to make one more, just to wrap the storyline up.

And ideally, it'll begin with Brooke getting offed, thus proving that the villains aren't total idiots after all.

Buy Boeing!

I know that being a defense contractor these days basically means that every week, the government sends a big truck full of money to your corporate headquarters, to do with as you see fit. Executive bonuses, expensive artwork for the lobby, new uniforms for the office softball team, $100 bills as toilet paper, whatever.

But I really have to question the ad I saw on the Metro today for Boeing refueling aircrafts. I don't know how much it cost to rent the space on the train--probably not more than a couple of thousand dollars--but it still seems like a huge waste of money.

What was the point? No one who can authorize a multi-billion dollar purchase of refueling planes, rides the Metro into work. And it's not like this is some up-and-coming company that needs advertising. No one in the government is going to see the ad and think, "Boeing, eh? Note to self: find out more about these guys." If Boeing is going to buy ad space on the Metro, wouldn't it make more sense to be like Haliburton and just produce some bullshit propaganda about how much they love and support the troops?

Anyway, if Boeing really has this much cash in their advertising budget, I'd be happy to work out some sort of Golden Palace.com-type deal, where I get a temporary tattoo on my forehead. Anything they want. "Boeing," or " Boeing.com" or even, "Boeing: Forever New Frontiers." (I have a big forehead.)

I might even be willing to go permanent, but it'll cost.

Comic of the Week: Detective Comics #833

Detective Comics #833
"Trust" by Paul Dini & Don Kramer
Published by DC Comics ($2.99)

Synopsis:

When a magician's assistant is killed on stage in an illusion gone awry, Batman calls in Zatanna for help. Together they investigate, and discover that the death wasn't an accident, and the magician isn't what he appears to be.

Comments:

I was originally going to go with another comic this week, because frankly, there are only so many ways to say, "Paul Dini is a kick-ass writer who's putting out some of the best Batman stories in years." But there's something about this issue that I thought was especially notable.

There's a big twist at the end of the issue. Honestly, it's not a great twist. I'm sure if one were to look back over old Batman comics, it's probably been done several times before. But I still loved it--and by "loved it," I mean, "squealed like a schoolgirl"--, and I realized it's because so few writers of superhero comics even bother throwing in twists or surprises in their stories, these days. In fact, it often seems like they're in a hurry to get from Point A to Point B, with as little fuss as possible. And when they do make an attempt, the results are typically less than thrilling.

I've said before that other writers should study Dini to see how he does it. This is yet another reason why.

Line of the Week:

"Far from being grateful, Loxias was intrigued by his exposure to Gotham's criminal mindset. He called it the perfect fusion of the performer and the sociopath."--Batman

Overall grade: A

It's Hostel Day!!!!!

"The most shocking ending in horror movie history."

This statement, from ads for Hostel Part II, is probably the boldest advertisement for a movie since Event Horizon proclaimed itself "the scariest movie ever made" ten years ago. And Event Horizon wasn't the scariest fucking anything ever made.

Do I think Hostel Part II will live up to such a lofty promise? Not really. But based on my love for Eli Roth in general, and the first Hostel in particular, I'll at least acknowledge the possibility that it might. Then again, horror movies don't really tend to have shocking endings. The only one I can really think of is Sleepaway Camp, and it'll be pretty difficult for Hostel Part II to beat that one.

A few other Hostel thoughts:

-- Roth says that he's stopping after this one, which apparently has something to do with him seeing Spider-Man 3, and like most people, hating it. I'm sort of torn. On one hand, it's admirable to see a filmmaker want to go out on top. And as much as I loved the first movie, and fully expect to love the second one, I don't think it can sustain multiple entries before the gag gets old. But would there be room for one more film? Definitely.

-- When I first heard the new film would feature female protagonists instead of male ones, I was a bit uneasy. I mean, it's one thing to watch (and enjoy) a couple of obnoxious guys getting tortured. That's just good, clean, American fun, is what that is. But girls? That might be a little weird.

But then I re-watched Hostel a few days ago, and realized I wasn't at all bothered by the scene where the Japanese girl gets a blowtorch taken to her face, and has her eyeball hanging out of its socket, so apparently, I've even more desensitized to this sort of stuff than I thought I was.

Still, probably not a good thing to bring up on a first date.

"So, seen any good movies lately?"
"Oh, yeah. Hostel Part II. Awesome flick."
"Wait, that one where men pay to torture girls to death?"
"Yeah! Have you seen it? Didn't it kick ass?"
"Check, please."

-- I'd like to thank Lion's Gate for the job it did on the film's trailer. This is exactly how you should make a trailer: lots of stuff to get people intrigued, but nothing that gives anything away. Horror films are particularly vulnerable to badly edited trailers, because it's really easy for the discerning horror fan to guess plot twists based on even a quick glimpse at something. Fortunately, that's not the case here. Well done.

Anyway, I'm seeing the film tomorrow night. Look for the review on Monday. I'm actually a bit afraid that I'm going into it with such incredibly high expectations, that I'm bound to be disappointed no matter what. So I'll do my best not to treat this as the horror film equivalent as the second coming of Christ. (But if it does turn out to be the horror film equivalent as the second coming of Christ, I certainly won't complain or be too surprised. Because Eli Roth is the man.)

Geekgasm

If the 80s produced any sci-fi cooler than V, I don't want to know about it.

How do you beat reptilian aliens trying to conquer Earth, all the while, ripping their faces off, devouring live rodents and dead humans, and providing the best--or in the very least, the most entertaining--Nazi allegory ever made?

Answer: you don't.

And now, after years of rumors of sequels and remakes and so on, V: The Second Generation is coming out in October, written by Kenneth Johnson, the guy who wrote, produced, and directed the original mini-series.

To say I'm jazzed doesn't begin to cover it.

Washington Post reporters must be seriously bored

They agonize over price. They're thoughtful, not impulsive. They arrive at the mall with information and purpose. They actually care about what their parents would think about those micro shorts.

They are teenage girls, and this is how they shop.
...
Seven reporters trailed them. Five videographers and four photographers documented their journeys. (Washington Post)

It took sixteen journalists to document this? Jesus, Watergate didn't have this sort of coverage.

Anyway, here's what this really in-depth expose--published in the Business section, no less (as opposed to the somewhat frivolous Style section or the extremely frivolous Sunday Source section)--taught us:

- Solid colors are boring.

- Girls go to stores that they know will have their style.

- It's apparently possible to dress preppy on a $40-a-month allowance.

- No one seems to give a shit about The Gap anymore.

- The one boy who participated in the study is probably getting picked on in school today. (Dude, it's bad enough you showed up for this, but why did you give the Post a picture to publish alongside your name? Especially that picture?)

- Teenage girls...wait for it...really enjoy shopping. I know! Crazy!

Now, I'm not saying this wasn't a really, super-important, Pulitzer-worthy story for the Post to write about. And I'm sure Tyson's Corner appreciates the several thousand dollars worth of free market research they received. But isn't there a war going on or something?

Comic of the Week: The Boys #7

The Boys #7
"Get Some" by Garth Ennis & Darick Robertson
Published by Dynamite Entertainment ($2.99)

Synopsis:

Even superheroes suffer from bizarre sexual impulses. In the case of Tek-Knight, it's suddenly getting the desire to bone everything in sight. Cars, teammates, chinchillas, and even his teenage sidekick. So he seeks out professional help, with hilarious--and painful--results. Meanwhile, Butcher and Hughie head off to a comic book store to meet with the Legend, an expert on superheroes who has a job for them.

Comments:

God, I've missed this book.

When DC cancelled it several months ago, based on its perceived vulgarity and character archetypes that were just a little too similar to some of DC's famous icons for comfort, it was really tragic. Not only because it was a fantastic comic, but because its cancellation represented a huge step backwards in terms of creative freedom.

DC, through Vertigo and Wildstorm, has long been considered the place for series that push the boundaries in terms of sex and violence. But when Ennis had The Seven (i.e., the JLA) demand a new recruit give everyone blow jobs, and Teenage Kix (i.e., the Teen Titans) celebrates their victories by having orgies, someone blew a gasket, and the book was unceremoniously dropped.

To their credit, DC didn't stand in the way of Ennis and Robertson taking the book elsewhere (supposedly so long as elsewhere wasn't Marvel), hence Dynamite heroically picking up the reins with this issue.

As for this issue, what is there to say, really? It's another near-perfect story by Ennis, designed to alternately entertain and offend comic book purists, who don't want to think about Iron Man molesting the Vision while in mid-air. For anyone who sees the humor in such a thing, this series continues to be one the best around.

Line of the Week:

"Laddio heard me doing the Tek-Mobile up its tailpipe last night. That took some careful explaining, I can assure you."--Tek-Knight

Overall grade: B+

Forget it, Jake. It's Woodbridge.

A Woodbridge teenager pleaded guilty to first-degree murder this week in a homicide that law enforcement officials say demonstrates the dangers Hispanic immigrants face in the county.
...
Authorities said that the teenagers decided they were going to "get a Mexican" on that day, Sept. 10, and Negrete just happened to walk by alone. Negrete, 32, had come from Mexico a year earlier, leaving his wife and three children to work as a day laborer. He was walking up the driveway to the lot of faded trailers when he was shot seven times. (Washington Post)

Even if I were an American soldier being held hostage in Iraq by militant Islamic terrorists threatening to behead me, I wouldn't trade places with these two idiots. I'm sure the Hispanic population of whatever prison they end up in, is already planning a really warm welcome. "Get a Mexican." Jesus. That'll go over well. I hope they're proud of that phrase, because they're both getting it tattooed somewhere by a few MS-13 guys, right before the rape portion of the evening begins.

I remember there was a marketing push a few years ago to convince people in D.C. and Northern Virginia that Woodbridge wasn't any less sophisticated than the rest of the region, and the low property values totally made it worth moving down there, even if it meant enduring two hour commutes each way.

Well, it took a while, but I'm now a believer. After all, how can you possibly doubt a community whose greatest cultural achievement is Potomac Mills?

Summer movie scorecard

Have seen:

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End: B
28 Weeks Later: B
Shrek the Third: B-
Bug: C

Spider-Man 3: C-

Definitely seeing:

Knocked Up

Ocean's Thirteen
Hostel: Part II
Live Free or Die Hard
Transformers
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
The Simpsons Movie
The Bourne Ultimatum
Fanboys

Might see:

Mr. Brooks
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
Evan Almighty

1408
Black Sheep

Sicko
Rush Hour 3
The Invasion
Superbad

Balls of Fury