It's like "Revenge of the Nerds," only with al Qaeda as the Alpha Betas

Looking to prevent the next terrorist attack, the Homeland Security Department is tapping into the wild imaginations of a group of self-described "deviant" thinkers: science-fiction writers.

"We spend our entire careers living in the future," says author Arlan Andrews, one of a handful of writers the government brought to Washington this month to attend a Homeland Security conference on science and technology. (USA Today)

Sigh. Goodbye, tax dollars.

I'd like us to remember two things. First, 9/11 happened largely because of box cutters. There wasn't some super, high-tech plot, worthy of a Bond villain. It was box cutters. Fucking box cutters. Not exactly Hugo Drax trying to wipe out humanity by unleashing a virus on Earth from a space shuttle, or Dr. Kananga trying to use voodoo to run his drug operation. Box cutters.

Second, if you look at most sci-fi from even just a couple of decades ago, a lot of writers thought we'd have jet packs, moon colonies, and robot slaves by now. So I'm not sure how much faith I'd put in their prognostication skills.

Frankly, if we're going to take notes from writers, I'd feel a lot better if we put guys like Tom Clancy, Vince Flynn, or Brad Thor in a room together, and let them go nuts. I think we'd get more valuable insight from them, than the guy who wrote an essay about why Superman and Lois Lane can't have sex.

Or we could just fucking catch bin Laden, already. I guess that would work, too.

H2Ouch

Holmes then shot Able in the head, killing him, police said. A D.C. police officer working an overtime security detail at the club saw the shooting, authorities said.

The officer ordered Holmes to drop his gun, but Holmes turned and pointed it at the officer, police said. The officer shot Holmes in the left eye and groin, authorities said. (Washington Post)

Damn. Now that's good shooting. If more cops would aim for the left eye and groin, we'd have a lot less crime. A lot more half-blind eunuchs, yes, but I'm willing to make that trade-off. Because I don't care how big of a badass you think you are, or how willing you are to throw away your life, no one wants to get shot in the eye or the groin, and especially not both. Particularly when the next stop is prison, where the other inmates will likely be less than kind regarding your condition.

The MPD really ought to make this eye/groin combo standard operating procedure from here on out. In doing so, Cathy Lanier would stop more crime in the few minutes it'd take to sign off on this plan, than Charles Ramsey did in eight years. Something to think about.

Stalkers killed the radio star

A Leesburg man pleaded guilty in Fairfax County Court on Monday to a misdemeanor charge of stalking in connection with a January incident in which WJFK-FM afternoon host Don Geronimo (aka Michael Sorce) received a letter that allegedly contained threats to himself and his family. According to court documents, Carl R. Grossman originally faced a felony charge. He was given a one-year jail sentence with 10 months suspended, followed by a year of probation and a period of supervised mental health care. The judge also issued a lifetime restraining order on Grossman, who had once been a frequent caller on "The Don And Mike Show"..... (DCRTV)

I haven't listened to Don & Mike for a while, now. At some point, they seemed to stop caring about their show, so I did also.

But I do have lots of great memories of listening to them when I was a kid, and I remember when Carl "The Merry Jew" Grossman was a regular caller, and seemingly well-liked (or in the very least, tolerated). Then I guess some sort of line was crossed, and he became persona non grata around WJFK.

He later tried to ingratiate himself to Ron & Fez and The Hideout, back when they were on JFK, but Geronimo used his clout to ban him from the station entirely. Then things obviously escalated to this point. And to get a year-long sentence and a mental health evaluation, I'm guessing the letter Grossman sent went beyond just a few inane ramblings.

It's a shame. He always seemed like an entertaining enough guy. What's next? Dennis Murphy showing up at Geronimo's house with a butcher knife?

Speaking of Ron & Fez and The Hideout, I see that WXRK in New York just switched from talk to music. Not only does this mean WJFK won't be able to carry a simulcast of Ron & Fez's now-cancelled nighttime show (not that they'd seemed inclined to do so, for whatever reason), but The Hideout just had another series of try-out shows on WXRK right before the format switch, which were apparently all for nothing.

It'd be nice if XM stepped up and added The Hideout to its line-up. Ron & Fez alone haven't been enough to motivate me to buy an XM radio and subscription, but Ron & Fez and The Hideout? I'd sign up in a second.

(Or WJFK could finally admit that their current nighttime show is a complete disaster, cut their losses, and bring Jefe, Dubbs, Bateman, and Chunks home where they belong.)

Stupid hippie college kids

One glance at the words "Baltimore Zionist District" on Lazarus's "I Stand for Israel" T-shirt, and the cashier at the Maryland Food Collective, a crunchy grocery and sandwich shop in the student union on the University of Maryland's College Park campus, blurted: "Your shirt offends me. I won't ring you up." The cashier told Lazarus she could go to the back of the store to find another clerk. (Marc Fisher)

God, this story pisses me off. This is why there ought to be some exceptions for physical violence in this country. What would have offended the clerk more? The T-shirt or getting punched in the face by the girl wearing the T-shirt?

Look, I've worked both retail and food service. They're not demanding jobs. Tedious, yes, but not at all demanding, and don't let anyone tell you differently. Just do your job and keep your opinions to yourself while the customer is there. It's not brain surgery. I really hope this clerk is one of those students who never graduates, and never strays from the safety of the Maryland Food Collective into the real world, because any other job would likely fire her worthless ass for something like this.

But as incensed as I am about the actions of the collective, the response of the other University of Maryland students is just as bad. How are they not totally outraged over this?

The students don't want to come off as haters. When Lazarus and others active in Maryland's Jewish student groups met with the collective, the visitors baked a vegan chocolate cake and brought it as a peace offering.

She...what...haters? Peace offering? Vegan chocolate cake? I...ARGGHHH.

You stupid, stupid college students, it's not "hating" to get pissed off because some retard decided that she had the right to force her political beliefs onto you. It's not "hating" to demand quality customer service from an establishment, even a student-run one. It's not "hating" to get upset at being embarrassed in public. One can only imagine what the students would have done had the clerk refused to help someone because she was black. They probably would have brought along a whole vegan meal as a peace offering.

It's a serious problem that these kids are apparently laboring under the belief that they have a fundamental right to go through life without ever being offended, or that it's some sort of virtue to never offend others. Because at some point, these beliefs are going to collide with reality, and the students won't be able to fix it with fucking chocolate cake, vegan or otherwise.

At least there's one sane adult over there:

Gretchen Metzelaars, director of Maryland's student union, met with the collective "trying to help them come to the conclusion that they must abide by the university's human rights code," which prohibits discrimination based on age, sex, race and, yes, political beliefs.

Despite hours of conversation, "it became apparent that they were not coming to the right conclusion," Metzelaars said. "So we delivered it to them." This week, she told the collective that if it discriminates again, it will have 60 days to vacate the premises.

Goddamn right. I hope they're being routinely tested on this, also. People ought to be going in there wearing, "I Stand for Israel" T-shirts on a regular basis, even if they're not Jewish. The first time a worker balks at helping them, lower the boom.

And you know what? It's not the 60s, anymore. There shouldn't even be collectives on college campuses. Just leave your belief system and hacky sack at the door, and embrace capitalism, kids. You'll be much happier in the long run.

Dating for DC Dummies

Lucie: If he had truly asked me to go to Atlantic City, I would have gone. We got along really well. We tried to put my bike in the cab; it didn't fit. [So] he gave me a quick kiss -- a lady doesn't divulge the details -- and I biked home. [On a scale of 1 to 5, 1 being horrible and 5 being great,] it was a great date.

Tom: The date was a 5-plus. And that doesn't even include her playing footsie with me under the table. She was one of those rare women who can do it all.

UPDATE: The frisky couple e-mailed once, but when Tom didn't ask her out again, Lucie didn't push it. Turns out both were already seeing other people. (Date Lab)

I guess this shouldn't surprise me. Date Lab participants regularly rate the date highly, but then something inevitably happens afterwards to make them decide that A) They'd be better off as friends, B) They'd be better off as strangers, or C) The other person is scum, totally undeserving of their affection.

Still, this one seems a bit odd. If they're in serious relationships, why go on the date in the first place? If the relationships aren't serious, why not trade up?

Whatever. He thought a book on Papua New Guinea would be a good conversation starter, and she's French. They both dodged a bullet.

Let's just make all movies NC-17

It doesn't happen often, but now and then, a children's movie comes out that also has mass appeal for adults. You know, your Shreks. Your Harry Potters. The odd Disney or Pixar film.

What I want to know is, when this rare event occurs, as it did this past weekend with Shrek The Third, why should I have to suffer through two hours with a bunch of loud, undisciplined, smelly, stupid little kids? When I see children watching an R-rated movie because their parents brought them along for some reason, do I make a point of pestering them? No. So why can't the little bastards return the favor?

The theaters aren't blameless in this, either. If they're going to cater to anyone, it should be to childless adults with a lot of disposable income. Not to kids who are too young to even get an allowance, or worn out parents who barely even go to movies anymore.

Clearly, the fairest thing to do would be to set aside a separate theater so adults who don't have kids can enjoy the movie in peace. If there aren't any available theaters, can't something be done to at least ensure that any disruption will be minimal? Can't they issue muzzles and leashes along with each child's ticket? Or have ushers constantly patrolling the theater, ready to toss people out at the first sign of trouble?

Or how about taking out the first few rows of seats and installing some sort of large soundproof Plexiglas pen? The kids can be stuffed in there during the movie. They can run around and shout and be smelly, to their hearts' content. Now, on the topic of air holes, I can understand the temptation to include them. But it would sort of defeat the purpose if noise were allowed to escape, wouldn't it? I think young children, with their little lungs, should be able to survive for a couple of hours in an airtight chamber. And if they can't...well, the great thing about kids is that they're easy to replace.

Also, just because I'm seeing one kids' movie doesn't mean I want to see previews for a bunch of other kids' movies. If I have to sit through a preview for Surf's Up (which couldn't look stupider), why the hell can't kids see a preview for, say, Hostel II?

I know this probably sounds like it'd be a lot of hassle to theater chains. But I'd point out that there is no such thing as brand loyalty when it comes to movie theaters. No one gives a shit whether they go to an AMC theater or a Regal theater. People just pick the closest one, or the one that has the most convenient showtime.

But for the visionary theater chain that enacts these measures I've suggested--which some would probably call "anti-child," but I prefer to think of as "pro-adult"--that could easily change.

24: 5 A.M.-6 A.M.

Thoughts:

-- So first, the U.S. government hands Josh over to a terrorist, and then orders an air strike that they know will get him killed? When this is all over, Josh and his mom are going to be able to file the biggest lawsuit in history.

-- It really takes over twenty minutes to launch an air strike against a target just ten miles off the coast? For our sake, let's hope the show made that up.

-- The biggest question of the season--and one we're not likely to get answered--is why the hell does Phillip even want Josh? He doesn't seem like an especially pleasant kid. I can't imagine why Phillip would want to be around him at all, much less to go through the trouble he has to get him.

-- Wow. That was a really cool explosion. I guess that's where this season's FX budget went to.

-- It looks like they're trying something new this season. The threat ended with about 25 minutes left, which means the rest of the episode is just wrap up. I'm not sure that's a good idea.

-- Oh, no. No. No, no, no, no, no. Come on. Please tell me we're not going to close the season out with a scene between Jack and Audrey.

-- Ugh. Worst. Season. Finale. Ever.

Jack's confirmed kills: 5 (39 for the season)

Jack's Words of Wisdom: "I just watched my father die. And I felt nothing. Do you know why? Yeah, you know why. Because that man was dead to me years ago."

Overall grade: D+

24: 4 A.M.-5 A.M.

Thoughts:

-- Why is Jack pleading his case to those CTU agents we've never seen before? What the hell does he think they're going to do about it?

-- It's odd that it didn't occur to a single other person besides Jack that Phillip would double-cross them. Why is everyone in such a hurry to trust the terrorist mastermind who helped set off a nuke that killed thousands of people in the past few hours?

-- "Jack escaped? How?" This is maybe the dumbest question anyone's ever asked on the show. The only reason that Nadia should have been surprised is that it took him as long as it did.

-- It looks like Mike might have been blinded in the blast. So much for him being Jack's sidekick next season.

-- Please. Like they're going to kill off Chloe. I'm guessing she's just preggers.

Jack's confirmed kills: 0 (34 for the season)

Jack's Words of Wisdom: "You did what you thought was right."

Overall grade: B

Yeah, but what the hell has Bobby Kennedy done for us LATELY?

Will you be attending a ballgame at "Taxation Without Representation Stadium" anytime soon?

Responding to the proposal on "The Politics Program" with Mark Plotkin on Washington Post Radio, D.C. Sports and Entertainment Commission Chairman Matthew Cutts says members are thinking about the idea of re-naming RFK Stadium, but more study must be done. (WTOP)

Sometimes, this city is so stupid it hurts.

Three points:

First, how can you even think of stripping Bobby Kennedy's name off the stadium? I mean, it's fucking Bobby Kennedy. Beloved politician. Pioneer of the civil rights movement. It's not like we're debating whether or not we should stick with JFK Jr. Memorial Stadium. If... if ..we ever change the name of the stadium, it should be because some wealthy corporation offers us an ungodly amount of money for the naming rights. Not because the idiots who run the Sports and Entertainment Commission want to "stick it to the man."

Second, who gives a crap about RFK, anyway? By this time next year, the new baseball stadium will be built and the Nationals will be gone, meaning that once again, RFK will be home to just the United. And the rats. And if that rumored soccer stadium the United keep talking about ever gets built, it'll just be the rats. The Taxation Without Representation Stadium would be about as impressive as a Taxation Without Representation Wig Store. And not nearly as busy, either.

Finally, and most importantly, how does this help "the cause"? It's such an incredibly empty gesture. Will anyone hear about the new stadium name, and rethink their stance on D.C. voting rights? No. Just like no one cared about that rally last month. Or the license plates. Or any of the other crap this city's tried over the years to get the attention of a hostile Congress and an apathetic public.

I'm sure there are all sorts of intelligent, productive things this city could be doing to make the case for D.C. voting rights. But why bother thinking of any of them, when you can just stick "Taxation Without Representation" on as much crap as possible, and hope people notice?

Comic of the Week: Countdown #50

Countdown #50
"Last Laugh" by Paul Dini, Jimmy Palmiotti, Justin Gray, & Jim Calafiore
Published by DC Comics ($2.99)

Synopsis:

After a brief chat with Jason Todd, Jimmy Olsen goes to Arkham Asylum to ask the Joker about the death of his supposed daughter. Also, Mary Marvel continues trying to get her powers back, the Rogues fight amongst themselves, and for some reason, four pages of a comic I already fucking paid for are reprinted here.

Comments:

Two issues in is probably too soon to make an informed judgment, but so far, Countdown hasn't impressed me. If 52 was an innovative and fun storytelling experiment, Countdown just comes off as an attempt to keep DC from losing that weekly 52 revenue they've gotten used to over the past year.

As event-driven as DC's been over the past few years, Countdown might be the straw that breaks the camel's back. Or in the very least, the reader's patience. The whole thing seems like it's supposed to be really, super important, but DC's played the "...and nothing will ever be the same!" card so often as of late, it's hard to get too worked up.

And here's what really irritates me: for some reason, DC thinks it's important that readers who don't already buy Justice League of America know about a scene that took place in that book, as it'll be significant here down the road. Fine. Fair enough. But did the reprinting (I guess "recreation" might be a little more accurate) of that scene in this issue really need to be four pages long? A mostly dialogue-free fight scene, no less?

Comics ain't cheap these days. If I'm paying for a new comic, as opposed to...oh, I don't know...downloading it illegally for free, I don't expect it to be only 80% new. In the future, if there's a scene that absolutely needs to be duplicated from another comic, it'd be nice if DC kept it two pages or under. Preferably under.

Line of the Week:

"I'd like to strangle your pink little neck until your eyes pop out of your head."--Joker

Overall grade: C+

Ben Cardin's a dick

Under the agreement, the District will continue to pursue its plan to build a new juvenile justice facility on 40 acres of the site south of the Little Patuxent River. Cardin opposes that plan, and he recently introduced a bill with Sen. Barbara A. Mikulski (D-Md.) to force the city to build a new juvenile facility in Washington. (Washington Post)

Ben Cardin must be the most passive-aggressive fuck in the entire Senate.

He put an anonymous hold on Fenty's school takeover plan last week, but later said he didn't really mean it; it was just a way to get the city's attention. Oh, Ben! You card! It's always funny when those Congressional types decide to screw with D.C. just because the Constitution says they can. If they didn't have to live and work here, I guarantee this city would have been turned into a toxic waste dump years ago.

Anyway, I'm curious how we got from this:

"I said right from the beginning that I would not delay the passage of the bill," said Cardin of his temporary block of the mayoral takeover legislation. "But we got their attention," he added.

to this:

Maryland Sen. Benjamin L. Cardin said last night that he has reached agreement with D.C. leaders to work toward ceding the vast majority of the Oak Hill youth detention center campus back for federal and state government use.

It looks like some serious arm twisting went on behind the scenes. City governments don't typically just hand over hundreds of acres of valuable land, unless it's to the owner of an NFL team. What, did Cardin threaten to introduce a bill cutting off D.C.'s water and sewage unless he got his way? Defund the police department? Do away with home rule altogether?

And it's not enough for him to simply take "the vast majority" of the land? He can't be happy with, say, 840 acres out of 880? He really needs to try and force the city to move the detention facility--which, according to Marc Fisher, is making some impressive strides rehabilitating the juveniles locked up there--also?

I get the argument for using that space for federal buildings, and I get the NIMBY argument against the detention facility. But that's life. As a career politician, Cardin should know that. Thus, it's a bit unbecoming for him (and Mikulski, too, I guess) to stamp his feet like a spoiled brat and refuse to let the District make its own decisions regarding education of all things, without getting something in return.

It's only too bad Ben Cardin wasn't born a couple of hundred years earlier. As I understand it, grabbing land for the federal government from people with no ability to fight back, was a popular hobby back then. I think he would have enjoyed himself.

Summer movie scorecard

It's that time again. When the sun is shining and the weather is beautiful and people are out having fun. But at the same time, lots of really cool movies come out, which means you ignore all that other stuff so you can spend large portions of your weekends in a dark theater along with lots of other pale people.

Truly, the best time of year.

Have seen:

28 Weeks Later: B

Spider-Man 3: C-

Definitely seeing:

Shrek the Third
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
Ocean's Thirteen
Hostel: Part II
Live Free or Die Hard
Transformers
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
The Simpsons Movie
The Bourne Ultimatum
Fanboys

Might see:

Bug
Mr. Brooks
Knocked Up

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
Evan Almighty

1408
Black Sheep

Sicko
Rush Hour 3
The Invasion
Superbad

Balls of Fury

RIP Lloyd Alexander

The author of The Black Cauldron died today. The entire Chronicles of Prydain series is really good, but The Black Cauldron in particular is one of the best children's books ever written.

The people at Disney who butchered it and turned it into a horrible movie are probably all still alive.

Where's the justice?

Pandering to lonely geeks for fun and profit

One of my more uncomfortable moments in life took place in a comic book store a few years ago. I was in there, perusing that week's new releases, when a father and his two young sons came into the store.

Now, it's always good to see kids in a comic book store, because kids don't really read comics these days. They can't find them, they can't afford them, and they're not the target audience anymore. So I watched as they went up to the clerk, thinking perhaps that the father was going to ask for a recommendation of something his kids might enjoy. Something that might really get them to fall in love with comics, and make them readers for life.

Instead, he very loudly asked whether the store had the new Slave Girl Princess Leia action figure in stock.

The store didn't, and the guy and his sons left, and I sort of took a moment to process what had just happened. On one hand, it's not like he'd asked the clerk for a copy of Hustler or some underground porn comic or anything. He was just after an action figure (albeit, a half-naked one, whose real-life counterpart fueled the wet dreams of the entire 80s generation). But it still bothered me on two levels. First and foremost, that he'd brought his sons along for this. For all I know, the guy was the best father in the world, but if it were my dad, I don't even know how I'd ever be able to look him in the eye again. And second, that a grown man actually wanted a Slave Girl Princess Leia figure to begin with.

I suppose I was also sort of annoyed that Hasbro and George Lucas had even released a Slave Girl Princess Leia figure. Is that really something the world needed? However, I guess it could be argued that since they'd released a figure of every other character in every other outfit ever shown in a Star Wars film, this was simply rounding out the collection. So they're mostly off the hook.

Anyway, fast forward to the present. DC and Marvel have released high-quality statues of various comic book characters for years. They're not really my thing, but I guess I can see why some people might like having a Batman statue or a Spider-Man statue on their desk or mantle.

But this latest wave of statues seems a little...different somehow.

I mean...for fuck's sake.

Look, superhero comics aren't usually what one would consider "art." Don't get me wrong, when they're done well, they can be as dramatic and exciting as any movie or book out there. But they rarely rise to the level of art. But that doesn't mean they--or their related merchandise--should shoot for being trash, either.

I guess there's a market for these things, otherwise, DC and Marvel wouldn't make them. I guess somewhere right now, some guy has his Supergirl statue (with its utterly freakish abdomen) in a place of honor in his home, and gazes at it affectionately a few (or a few hundred) times a day. Possibly while naked.

I really, really hope I never meet this guy.

Don't do it, Junior

According to DC101 this morning, rumor has it that Dale Earnhardt Jr. was wined and dined by not only Joe Gibbs last night, but Dan Snyder as well.

Gibbs, I get. He owns a NASCAR team. But Snyder? Who knew he was still looking to expand his stranglehold into other sports? I'd hoped those plans had been laid to rest when he opted not to put a bid in for the Nationals after some initial speculation that he might, causing an entire city--not to mention, MLB--to slowly breath a sigh of relief.

(Had Snyder bought the team, not only would they still suck, but ticket and food prices likely would have been tripled. Also, he probably would have tried to find a way to prevent people from walking the thousand yards from the DC-Armory Station to RFK, citing safety concerns; instead forcing people to take a shuttle. For a small charge, naturally.)

Anyway, if I were Earnhardt Jr., I'd give this some serious thought. I mean, in professional sports, you often do business with shady characters of dubious intelligence and skill. But this is taking it a bit far, isn't it?

24: 3 A.M.-4 A.M.

Thoughts:

-- No matter how lame and predictable this show gets, Jack Bauer breaking someone's neck will never get old.

-- God, that kid is worthless. Why did he hide there of all places? Maybe he isn't Jack's son after all.

-- It's really odd watching Tom deal with the Russian spy by speaking calmly and rationally. Usually, it's Jack who handles these sorts of things, and instead of calm and rational, there's chokeholds and bloodshed.

-- Why is it when Division sends someone to CTU to take over, it's always some raging, uptight asshole? Don't they have any normal people who work there?

-- Jesus Christ, Phillip's really going to a lot of trouble to get his grandson. Is Josh filled with diamonds or something? This whole thing seems really, really contrived.

-- Two hour season finale next week. Thank God. This whole miserable season is almost over.

Jack's confirmed kills: 6 (34 for the season)

Jack's Words of Wisdom: "But you need to understand, this is a longshot at best. There's a good chance we won't make it through this."

Overall grade: C+

How to succeed in Hollywood without really trying

Like a lot of film and/or comic book geeks, I've loved pretty much everything Kevin Smith has ever done. Even Jersey Girl. So I think it's fair to say that he's more than earned the right to make his films however he wants without being second-guessed by the likes of me.

And yet...

I finally picked up Clerks II on DVD last week. And after watching the film, I immediately went back and watched it again, this time with the commentary track on. At a certain point, Smith discusses how Rosario Dawson ended up being cast in the film, and something a little disturbing comes out.

It turns out that she wasn't the first choice for the role of Becky. Bryce Dallas Howard was, but she'd already committed to Lady in the Water. (Hey, great choice!)

Then the part was offered to Ellen Pompeo. I guess she wouldn't have been terrible, but all things being equal, I'm glad that she was too busy with Grey's Anatomy at the time.

Then they went after Sarah Silverman, who also passed.

So all these actresses not wanting to be in Clerks II must have really devastated Kevin Smith, right? Not exactly. In actuality, he was somewhat pleased, because the person who he really wanted to cast as Becky was...his wife.

I heard that and I cringed. I actually physically cringed. If I'd drank something right beforehand, I probably would have done a spit take. I went back to listen to it again, just to make sure I'd heard correctly, and ended up cringing again.

Bear in mind that Jennifer Schwalbach Smith isn't an experienced actress. She was a journalist before she got married, and her filmography consists entirely of roles that Smith gave her or that she got because she was married to him. Which has always been fine, in that until Clerks II, those roles had just been small ones (i.e., the jewel thief with the least amount of dialogue in Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back or "The Blonde" in the episode of Degrassi that Kevin Smith did).

Ali Larter, Shannon Elizabeth, Eliza Dushku, and...Jennifer Schwalbach Smith?
Which one of these is not like the other?

So how did she make the transition from amateur actress to leading lady in Smith's mind? No clue.

Fortunately, Harvey Weinstein was around to tell Smith no. For some strange reason, he wanted an actress that people would actually recognize on the Clerks II poster. And since it was his money at stake, that ended the discussion. As far as I'm concerned, this makes up for Weinstein refusing to let Smith cast Jason Lee as Fletch a few years back, which would have actually been really inspired casting.

Anyway, Rosario Dawson was cast as Becky, and did a kick-ass job, and Schwalbach Smith ended up playing the considerably smaller role of Dante's fiancee. And really, even that was too much for her. It's not that she's a bad actress. She isn't. She's just very, very average. Her performance in Clerks II doesn't really leave much of an impression either way. Which is fine when an actress only has a few lines of dialogue. But when she has to carry the entire film? Not so much.

I don't know why this bugs me as much as it does. Living in D.C., it's not like nepotism is exactly an alien concept. Maybe it's because Clerks II was one of my favorite films of last year, and it was unsettling to discover how close it came to totally unravelling. Or maybe it's because a filmmaker who I've always respected is apparently letting his wang make his decisions for him. Regardless, I hope that Smith reconsiders this approach to casting and decides to instead always go with the best actress possible, who in all likelihood, will never, ever be his wife.

Or failing that, I hope Harvey Weinstein is always around to smack some sense into him.

Comic of the Week: Marvel Zombies: Dead Days

Marvel Zombies: Dead Days
by Robert Kirkman & Sean Phillips
Published by Marvel Comics ($3.99)

Synopsis:

In the second Marvel Zombies prequel, as the zombie plague starts to spread around the world, the heroes are separated into two camps: zombie and resistance. But as Nova points out, this isn't your typical supervillain threat that's going to have a happy ending. By the time it's all over, the zombies are doing just fine, and the resistance has pretty much become either zombies or zombie food.

Highlights include Spider-Man eating Mary Jane and Aunt May (Spider-Man 3 would have been so much better if that had happened in the film), the Avengers firing Jarvis in the worst way possible, and Reed Richards going a little loopy. Okay, a lot loopy.

Comments:

For me, this was one of the most anticipated comics of the year. The original Marvel Zombies mini-series was absolutely phenomenal, and from someone who tends to shun all things Marvel, that's really saying something. Then Marvel announced that there would be two prequels: Marvel Zombies vs. Army of Darkness and Dead Days. I thought the first one got off to a fairly slow start, but has improved a bit. But I held out high hopes for this one, since it was by the same creative team that did the original.

The good news is, Dead Days is much better than Marvel Zombies vs. Army of Darkness. The bad news is, it's not nearly as good as the first mini-series.

A lot of this has to do with Kirkman trying to cram too much into too little space. There's no way this should have been condensed into one issue, even a double-sized one. In the very least, this should have been a four issue mini-series. Combined with the Army of Darkness crossover, would we really have needed nine issues worth of prequel? Probably not, but the easy solution would have been to make this the longer project, and shorten (or eliminate) the Army of Darkness stuff.

In spite of its failings, though, this is still a really fun book, and the "Zombie-verse" still has a ways to go before the joke gets old. Hopefully, Marvel will take its time with the upcoming sequel, and it not feel as though they're rushing something just for the sake of getting it out there.

Line of the Week:

"You saying you don't want any of this Jarvis meat? "--Hawkeye

Overall grade: B

Adrian Fenty wants you to get run over

D.C. Mayor Adrian M. Fenty yesterday suspended city requirements that drivers 75 and older take written and road tests before having their licenses renewed.

"We think that this is not only the right compromise for traffic safety and public safety, but it's the right thing to do for our seniors, who in large measure have demonstrated great patience with the government and a great ability to make sure that they follow the traffic laws of the District of Columbia," Mr. Fenty told residents at Campbell Heights Apartments in Northwest. (Washington Times)

Look, I like old people. Most of them, anyway. You know, the ones that don't bore me with dull stories or take forever trying to figure out how to use the self-checkout lane in grocery stores. But put them behind a wheel, and I get nervous. Old people drive slowly. Old people attempt to drive the wrong way down one way streets. Old people consider stop signs to be optional. Yes, a lot of younger drivers do this also, but at least their eyesight and reflexes are better suited to avoiding the resulting disaster.

I'm not saying I want old people off the roads. If they want to drive and are able to do so, super. God knows I'd prefer they drive themselves around, as opposed to taxpayers having to subsidize their transportation needs. But is it really asking too much that they be tested every couple of years, just to make sure they're still capable of driving well? No one likes going to the DMV, but compared to prostate problems, loss of bowel control, bypass surgery, liver spots, and all the other shit you deal with at that age, it seems like a relatively small hassle.

Forget about the written test. Having long since forgotten everything I learned in driver's ed, I'm not sure I could pass a written test. But a road test? We can't even get them in their cars for ten minutes, just to make sure they remember the difference between the gas and the brake, between a 35 MPH speed limit and a 65 MPH speed limit, or between an empty crosswalk and a crosswalk with twenty pedestrians in it? That's suddenly too much of burden?

I get what Fenty's doing. He's looking out for the most helpless of his constituents. He's slashing bureaucratic red tape. He's locking up a shitload of votes for the next election. All laudable goals. But this city is already filthy with reckless and indifferent drivers. Why potentially add to the pool when you don't need to?

When vegans kill

The only thing more annoying than a vegetarian is a vegan. The only thing more annoying than a vegan is a vegan who can't be content rocking the vegan lifestyle on their own, and tries to impose their views on non-vegans. And the only thing more annoying than a vegan who tries to impose their views on non-vegans is...well, I actually can't think of anything. Maybe al Qaeda's more annoying. Maybe.

Anyway, this crunchy vegan couple in Georgia killed their son by starving him death, and what little they did feed him consisted of organic apple juice and soy milk. They also decided that their son didn't need to see a doctor. (They eventually relented, but only after he'd died. Way to go, vegans.) They were just sentenced to life in prison. God bless southern justice. I'm only sorry they didn't live in Texas, where they would have probably gotten the chair.

Facing an existence in prison that doesn't allow for a vegan diet, the father, Lamont "Nobody understands us" Thomas, has apparently decided to stop eating, and his mother is afraid he'll soon die. Fuck that. He doesn't get off that easily. Lock him in a room with a bucket of KFC, a few Big Macs, and an omelet station. Eventually, the hunger will get the better of him.

Now, admittedly, the baby's death was due more to starvation and neglect than what he was fed. But that doesn't change the fact that soy milk and apple juice make for a horrible diet for an infant. As such, something clearly needs to be done about the spreading plague of militant veganism in this country.

If someone wants to be a vegan, fine. I think they're stupid--animals were put here for a reason, and it's not so they can roam free without fear of being eaten or getting milked--but fine, whatever. But the second a vegan starts trying to force their beliefs on others, I'd like it to be legal to punch them in the mouth. Hard. It'll be okay. They eat tofu. They don't need teeth.

Trees died so Metro can...do something or other. I'm not sure.

I walked onto the Metro platform this morning, and some guy handed me a blue postcard. I took it, even though I just assumed it was some coupon or another one of those Jews For Jesus things, but it turned out to be the 2007 Metrorail Passenger Survey. Frankly, Jews For Jesus literature would have been more useful.

The survey, supposedly designed to help Metro "plan for my transit needs" asks the following:

1. Which station did you receive this card?

2. Where did you come from before entering this station?

3. How did you get to this station?

4. What type of fare did you pay?

5. Which station will you exit at?

6. Where will you go after leaving the station?

7. How will you get to this place after leaving the station?

8. Where do you live?

9. What is your address?

10. What is your zip code?

11. How many usable cars (WTF? "Usable cars"? As opposed to the ones up on cement blocks on people's front lawns?) are at your home?

12. Are you a federal government employee?

13. Do you receive monthly transit benefits?

How does any of this help improve my transit needs? What information does it give Metro that it either doesn't already have or can use to somehow aid me?

Here are the sort of questions I would have liked to have seen:

1. What's the average amount of time you typically wait for a train? (For weekends, round up to the nearest half-hour.)

2. During morning rush hour, how many trains are you unable to board because they're too crowded?

3. How many times a week does your train get stuck between stations?

4. When your train is stuck, would you rather the operator lie and say you'll be moving "momentarily" or just tell the truth, that he has no idea what's going on?

5. Can you understand a single fucking word that comes over either the station intercom or the train intercom?

6. When you have a problem or a question, which is usually more helpful? A Metro employee or a wad of gum that someone spit on the floor?

7. Given the choice, would you rather have fare increases or reduced service? (Just kidding, this is actually a trick question. You're getting both.)

8. Do you even notice those electronic ads in the tunnels, or when we wrap a car up with a giant ad? Do they in any way, shape, or form, make you want to buy that product? Or, as they strongly suspect, are our advertisers simply throwing their money away?

9. Have our constant warnings to report suspicious packages left on trains sufficiently desensitized you to the danger of terrorism, to the point that if someone actually does leave a bomb, you'll be too apathetic to do anything about it?

10. When a train pulls into a station and comes to a stop, we sometimes enjoy jerking it forward a few feet for no discernible reason. You know, just to fuck with you and make you fall down. Does this bother you?

And so on and so forth.

I mean, come on. Setting aside the fact that it's 2007, and printed surveys have mostly fallen by the wayside thanks to this Internet thing all the kids are using, if Metro is going to go to the hassle of doing a passenger survey (not to mention, pay a shitload of money to the marketing firm conducting it), wouldn't it make more sense to gather information that Metro can actually use?

I don't really anticipate my transit needs being fulfilled anytime soon.

24: 2 A.M.-3 A.M.

Thoughts:

-- It's a real testament either to Jack's resolve or his ego that even though he's broken about a dozen federal laws and made CTU chase him down, he still thinks there's a chance Nadia's going to let him out to go after the Chinese.

-- Goddamn it, what's that kid doing back? Why couldn't he and his mom just disappear like Jack's girlfriend and son from last season? On the bright side, Marilyn didn't give any indication that Josh might be Jack's son. The last thing we need is another idiot Bauer kid running around.

-- Another attack on CTU? By now, shouldn't that place be locked down tighter than Fort Knox? They really are going to the well of former plot twists this season, aren't they?

-- RIP Milo. But I think we all knew that was coming when he had his little moment with Nadia earlier in the episode. Someone at CTU was going to die, and it was either going to be him or Morris. The worst part is that Nadia's totally going to bang Doyle now.

-- Uh...when you're in a room with glass walls, trying to barricade the door against people with machine guns isn't going to work.

-- Wait, so the Chinese invaded CTU to grab Josh to trade for the circuit board? Couldn't they have just waited a few hours until after he'd left and gotten him then? This seemed like it was a lot more complicated than it had to be.

Jack's confirmed kills: 5 (28 for the season)

Jack's Words of Wisdom: "I caused this mess, let me clean it up."

Overall grade: B

15 questions about why Spider-Man 3 sucked so much

1. You know, there just weren't enough scenes of Spider-Man taking off or losing his mask. Couldn't there have been a few more? Or, hell, why not remove it altogether? Who needs a secret identity, anyway?

2. There's a series called Spider-Man Loves Mary Jane, a comic book aimed at girls that emphasizes romance over action. Did they decide to do an adaptation of that and just not tell anyone?

3. Since Bruce Campbell was the highlight of the film, shouldn't he have gotten top billing?

4. Why does every Spider-Man villain's master plan boil down to taking Mary Jane hostage at the end of the movie?

5. Spider-Man 3 has the hero become a mean, swaggering thug after being exposed to the symbiont. Superman 3 has the hero become a mean, swaggering thug after being exposed to kryptonite. Coincidence? Homage? A really shitty plot idea either way?

6. About Peter having to choose between Mary Jane and Gwen Stacy...exactly how was this a difficult choice?

7. Wouldn't Topher Grace have made a much better Peter Parker than Tobey Maguire?

8. Has the obligatory Stan Lee cameo worn out its welcome?

9. Even with how little screen time Venom got, couldn't they have referred to him by name at least once?

10. Considering how lame the Green Goblin costume was in the first film, how did they manage to make it even worse in this one?

11. Couldn't Harry's butler have saved a whole lot of heartache by speaking up, say, two films ago?

12. Didn't the Batman films teach us that killing off villains in comic book movies is a lousy idea? At this point, they've pretty much offed all the A-list Spider-villains. If there's a Spider-Man 4, they're going to be down to the freaking Lizard and Mysterio.

13. Was that scene where Peter dances in the jazz club an example of bad judgment, really bad judgment, or incredibly bad judgment on the writers' part?

14. At the end of the movie, Spider-Man forgives Sandman for killing his uncle and lets him go. That's great and everything, but wasn't he still an escaped convict who'd committed about a hundred or so additional crimes during the course of the movie? Did the filmmakers realize that they were already at the 2 1/2 hour mark, and decide to wrap up the movie with as little fuss (and sense) as possible?

15. It's one thing for, say, Joel Schumaker to come in and fuck up the Batman franchise. But how could the same director and cast that did the first two Spider-Man films drop the ball so badly here?

Yeah, after seeing the movie, we all know how you feel.

Free Comic Book Day is tomorrow!

Yeah, yeah, I know. Comic books are for virgins or retards or retarded virgins or virgin retards or whatever. But come on. You know you're going to see Spider-Man 3. You know you loved 300 and V For Vendetta and Batman Begins and...well, you probably thought Superman Returns was just sort of okay. So what's the difference between watching a comic book movie and actually reading a comic book? Nothing. Except that the comic is usually better, and unlike a movie, you don't have to pay $5 for a soda.

Tomorrow is this year's Free Comic Book Day, a great opportunity for people who don't read comics to head to their local comic book store, and pick up some up for free.

That's right. Free. And this isn't a "you can only have one" deal, either. Take however many of the FCBD comics that you want. You can get a fair amount worth of reading material, all for the price of gas or Metro fare to the store.

Again, I know what you're thinking. "Comic book stores? Why would I, an intelligent and successful D.C. professional, want to set foot in a place where some fat, ponytailed guy will try and draw me into a conversation about who's hotter, She-Hulk or Supergirl?"

Fortunately, D.C. is blessed with not one, not two, but three great comic book stores. And I've been in some really shitty ones, so I know of what I speak.

There's Big Planet Comics in Georgetown, right off Wisconsin (with stores in Maryland and Virginia, as well); Big Monkey Comics in NE, a short walk from the U Street Metro; and Fantom Comics, literally just steps away from the Tenleytown Metro. None of them have "Comic Book Guys" working there, all are well lit and look like professional businesses (no posters of Vampirella shoving her boobs in your face or anything), and all are staffed by friendly people with functioning social skills.

Here's the list of FCBD titles that will be available:

Archie Comics Archie Comics Little Archie
Bongo Comics Bongo's Free for All
Dark Horse Comics Umbrella Academy Zero Killer Pantheon City
DC Comics Legion of Super Heroes in the 31st Century
Dynamite Entertainment The Lone Ranger / New Battlestar Galactica Flip Book
Gemstone Publishing Walt Disney's Mickey Mouse
IDW Transformers the Movie Prequel # 1
Image Comics Astounding Wolf-Man # 1
Marvel Comics Amazing Spider-Man Swing Shift
TOKYOPOP Tokyopop Choose Your Weapon

Obviously, what you'll want to read depends a lot on how old you are. An adult will probably like Umbrella Academy and Astounding Wolf-Man, whereas a young child will get more enjoyment out of the Archie, Mickey Mouse, and Legion of Super Heroes books. The rest of the comics should be fine for slightly older kids and adults. I know absolutely nothing about Tokyopop, but the girls seem to dig the manga, so there's no reason for FCBD to be a sausage-fest, either.

And even if you have no interest in comics yourself, they're a great way to get your kids hooked on reading. When I was in second grade, my reading level and vocabulary were so good, I was moved to a fourth grade class for English. Know why? Comics.

There are other free books that could be available as well, depending on whether or not the store ordered them. If they have them, I recommend the following:

Justice League of America #0--The latest relaunch of the classic series, written by Brad Meltzer. Yeah, that Brad Meltzer. If New York Times best-selling novelist Brad Meltzer can read comics, so can you.

Pirates vs. Ninjas #1--I haven't read this, but how can you pass on a title like that? It's not quite as good as Zombies vs. Robots, but pretty damn close.

Whiteout #1--The first issue of a mini-series about a U.S. Marshall trying to solve a murder in Antarctica, this one came out a few years ago. Which is actually a good thing, since once you read this issue, you can pick up the entire series in trade paperback for only about $10.

Buzzboy / Royboy Red: The Buzz & The 'Bot--Buzzboy is a great, all-ages superhero book, written and drawn by a D.C. area local, no less.

Family Guy/ Hack/Slash Flip Book--Two comics in one. Like Eric Cartman, I don't get the appeal of Family Guy. But for those who do, you'll probably enjoy the comic based on the show. Hack/Slash, a horror series, is more up my ally.

These are just a few of the books that should be available. And while you're at the comic book store, if you see something that isn't one of the FCBD offerings, but looks interesting, it's perfectly acceptable to go ahead and buy it. Or feel free to ask an employee for recommendations based on books or movies you like.

Here's my personal list of can't-go-wrong recommendations, should you feel the urge to spend some money:

Preacher; Transmetropolitan; Fables; Y: The Last Man; Ex Machina; Walking Dead; Marvel Zombies; The Adventures of Barry Ween, Boy Genius; All-Star Superman; Batman: Year One; JLA: New World Order; We3; The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen; and The Exterminators.

Impressive, Express

This may well be the best paragraph to have ever appeared in The Express. Or, indeed, in any newspaper since the beginning of time. By Glenn Dixon:

A cross between "Survivor" and "Lord of the Flies" with a heavier armamentarium and dystopian overtones, "Battle Royale" involves a three-day, island-bound death match among a class of junior-high kids. Fans of Konami action-adventure games (or the right kind of manga) will accept genre conventions of orchestral sentimentality and semi-automatic gore without blinking, all the while thinking, "Impressive, Snake." (Express)

For such a brief paragraph, it covers so much ground, it's staggering.

It goes from a spot-on description of the film, to a Konami reference, to manga (not being a manga fan, I'm not sure if "the right kind" refers to quality, or if it's just specifying a certain type of manga, as opposed to another type of manga that doesn't contain those conventions; but either way, it works) to a Metal Gear joke that I'm guessing went over a lot of heads, all the while using a vocabulary that would stun most SAT takers. Bravo, sir. I'm absolutely in awe.

And he's right, Battle Royale is a great movie and worth seeing. If you can't make it to the theater, it's available on Netflix. Just stay away from the sequel.

Whatever happened to Emperor Bush?

Remember just a few years ago, when paranoia was rampant, and people claimed that America, with its Patriot Acts and "permanent Republican majorities" (™ Karl Rove) in Congress, was well on its way to becoming a police state, where Bush would be a de facto dictator, Democrats would be surveilled and persecuted and ultimately forced to disband, and everything would be sort of like "Days of Future Past" from X-Men? (Or for you non-comic book geeks, this week's episode of Heroes.)

Whatever happened to that?

A couple of days ago, I was reading over some message board, looking back at posts from right after 9/11 and the start of the Iraq War. Like most message boards, this one was frequented primarily by easily-excited liberals with vivid imaginations. And I was reading people's reactions to then-current events, and I wondered what happened to the dystopian future everyone was so sure was right around the corner?

Here are some of the more widespread predictions:

Bush will suspend the 2004 presidential election, claiming it's too dangerous to change presidents.

I actually wouldn't be surprised if this idea was brought up in the White House at some point, but only long enough for Rove to consider it for a second, and then say, "Nah, even I couldn't pull that off."

Instead, they probably just focused their efforts on getting John Kerry chosen as the Democratic nominee, and that pretty much sealed the deal for them right there.

After we're done with Iraq, Bush will invade Syria, Iran, and maybe even Saudi Arabia.

This one cracks me up most of all. Just the idea that the idiots running the government would have been capable of the sort of planning necessary to pull something like this off.

But of course, back then, would anyone have believed that the most powerful military in the world would be stymied by Iraqi insurgents for four years? No, of course not. The whole Iraq thing was supposed to take, like, three weeks. Conservatives predicted that after Iraq, we'd be able to spread democracy and capitalism across the Middle East. Liberals predicted we'd just end up blowing a lot of shit up. Who knew they'd both be wrong?

Bush will start cracking down on civil liberties.

To a degree, I guess this one sort of has happened. But not nearly to the extent that some nervous liberals feared. There really seemed to be a concern that Bush would have the Constitution and a black magic marker brought to the White House, and when he was finished, we'd have the right to bear arms, the right not have soldiers quartered in our homes, and that's about it.

Being a born again Jesus freak, Bush believes it's his destiny to bring about the Apocalypse.

Admittedly, only the really hardcore conspiracy theorists bought into this one. Which is actually a shame, because it would have been really, really cool, just for the prime time address from the Oval Office.

"My fellow Americans. Just a few minutes ago, I directed our military to launch our entire nuclear arsenal at Russia, China, and especially France. They will of course retaliate, destroying the United States, and indeed, the world. As we wait for that to happen, let me read you some of my favorite passages from the Bible, so you'll know what you have to look forward to..."

Bush will repeal the 22nd Amendment so he can run for a third term (and a fourth and a fifth and...)

Given Bush's current approval rating, this one seems almost laughable in retrospect. But even a few months after 9/11, Bush still had an approval rating in...what? The 60s? The 70s? And back then, we all sort of expected terror attacks to become a regular occurrence, keeping Bush's approval rating artificially high. Now, of course, he'd be lucky to win even Texas.

Anyway, I hope you've enjoyed this trip down memory lane as much as I have. And to President Bush, let me say that you still have time. Don't disappoint all those conspiracy nuts who put so much time and effort coming up with these wild scenarios. Can't you give them just a little vindication?

Just pick some Constitutional right no one really cares about, and say you're eliminating it because it hurts our ability to hunt terrorists. Have invasion plans drawn up for Saudi Arabia and leak them to the press. (Don't worry, you can deny that you had anything to do with it. Say it was Rumsfeld's idea.) Announce you're having the White House counsel look into the possibility of a third term, even if you have no intention of running.

Just throw them a bone. Yeah, they'll scream about how they were right all along and probably call you names and all that. But deep down, they'll really appreciate the gesture.

24: 1 A.M.-2 A.M.

Thoughts:

-- I'm watching Jack beg to talk to Audrey and I'm just cringing. Unless it involves Kim and one of her doomed boyfriends, romance has no place on 24.

-- So Lisa's in on...something. Spending bills? What the hell? If only real White House aides were this interesting.

-- Geez, being a CTU guard is really the most thankless job in the world. Not only do you have a good chance at being blown up or killed by nerve gas, but you never know when Jack Bauer is going to go on a rampage and punch you in the face.

-- I want to amend my first comment. Romance does have a place on 24, but only as long as it involves Vice President "Dirty Old Man" Noah. And I like how the show avoided the usual cliche of Noah getting pissed at Tom and refusing to believe he was telling the truth. Speaking of Lisa, though, I guess I can buy her being sloppy enough to use credit cards while checking into hotels for her rendevous with her lobbyist/Russian spy boyfriend, but what's his excuse?

-- "You're cursed Jack. Everything you touch, one way or another, winds up dead." Finally! Someone notices! Maybe now, CTU will stop asking Jack to come back every time there's a crisis.

Jack's confirmed kills: 0 (23 for the season)

Jack's Words of Wisdom: "Consider yourself lucky."

Overall grade: B