The Great Georgetown Riot of 2007. Let's make it happen.

Just a few steps away from the large, singing crowds on N Street following Friday night's victory over Vanderbilt, a few mindless fans resorted to petty arson and demolition — tearing down portions of a fence in the Alumni Square courtyard and setting it on fire while it lay only a few feet from a row of townhouses occupied by fellow students. These acts of immaturity serve only to tarnish an otherwise special victory — not to mention put the lives of other students at risk. (The Hoya)

That's all well and good. And I suppose there's a case to be made that violence in the streets is a bad thing.

But come on, when else is D.C. going to get the chance to have a good, old-fashioned sports riot? What other local team is likely to step up and present us with such an opportunity any time soon?

The Redskins? Please. I'm honestly starting to think the team is cursed, and will be until Snyder sells it. Or maybe Snyder is the curse. Who knows.

The Wizards? Unlikely. After initially looking really good (hey, remember all that crazy talk about Arenas being voted MVP?), they've taken their usual late season nap. At most, they'll make it to the second round of the playoffs.

The Nationals are in worse shape than both those teams combined, and who would even notice if the Caps or United won a championship?

A Hoyas victory may be our one and only chance to join the pantheon of great sports riot cities like Chicago, Los Angeles, and of course, Detroit.

So don't waste this incredible opportunity, D.C. If Georgetown wins tomorrow, and especially Monday, don't hold back. Flood the streets. Overturn some cars. Light a few fires. Those really nice stores along M Street, with their large windows? Perfect for looting.

The best part is, you don't have to be a Georgetown student or alum to participate! You don't have to be a D.C. resident, or like basketball, or even speak English. All that's required is a desire to have a good time, and an utter disregard for other people's property and safety. Being drunk helps, too.

Twenty years from now, your kids will ask where you were the night the Hoyas won the championship. What would you rather tell them? That you were at home or in some crappy bar? Or that you were out contributing to millions of dollars in property damage, and calling cops a bunch of fucking pigs, as they pepper-sprayed you and wrestled you to the ground?

I know where I'll be. So look for the guy wearing a Georgetown sweatshirt and a smile, and holding a can of gasoline and a large brick. And by all means, stop and say hello.

Proof that Jesus exists, and he hates Joe Buck, too

Fox, the maverick in sports television, won't be bucking the trend next fall as it did last season when Joe Buck served as its NFL pregame show host and lead play-by-play broadcaster. It was the first time a network television announcer filled both roles simultaneously.

Buck will do only play-by-play next season, as the network will split the duties after incurring higher-than-expected costs for taking "Fox NFL Sunday'' on the road last year. It was conducted at the site of the game Buck was working. (St. Louis Dispatch)

Yeah, I'm real sorry, Joe. But considering all the money Fox pays the NFL, they shouldn't also have to foot the bill for your massive ego. Besides, you have to admit, you never fit in with Terry, Howie, and Jimmy. I mean, they were actually in the NFL. You just talk about it. Maybe you would have fit in on a broadcasting team consisting of ball boys and former high school trainers, but that's about it.

Don't let the door hit your no-talent ass on the way out.

And Fox, if you're looking for a replacement, and want to turn your pregame show into must-see, who-knows-what-the-fuck-is-going-to-happen, Monday-morning-water-cooler-discussion television, I have two words: Michael Irvin.

Put him in, coach. He's ready to play.

Dial S for sodomy

Sold.

You had me at "vile, morally reprehensible subject matter." You had me at "vile, morally reprehensible subject matter."

NPR and me

Wits and wags are eager to aid an effort to adopt a new slogan for the nation's capital. A blog called The D.C. Universe proposes: "Washington: Guns Now Welcome" and "Washington: More Bloggers than Rats" and "Washington: Less of a Target than New York." A listener takes a different tack: Because D.C . has no voting members of Congress, just keep the slogan that's on some of its license plates: "Taxation Without Representation." (NPR)

It was a little strange to hear someone on the radio say the name of this blog. (Okay, technically, I didn't hear it live on the radio, as I was busy listening to DC101, where Elliot was defending a man's right to have sex with his 22 year-old stepdaughter. I just listened to the audio clip on the NPR website. But you get the gist.)

Still, it was very cool, so thanks to NPR. You know, Patton Oswalt's wrong about you guys. You're not unlistenable. (And thanks as always to Wonkette for the initial shout-out.)

Okay, self-congratulatory (borderline-masturbatory) moment over. Carry on.

24: 8 P.M.-9 P.M.

Thoughts:

--Who's this Mark guy? And...oh, for Christ's sake. He has a retarded brother? Which, I guess, is supposed to somehow be a believable justification for working with terrorists? This seems like a really cheap attempt at manipulation.

--Heh. I loved the subtle mixture of disappointment and disgust in Jack's, "Fine," after Mike said he's staying behind to "process" instead of going on the raid. You blew it, Mike. Aside from losing Jack's respect, he was totally going to set you up with Kim. (Actually, considering that Kim's boyfriends have a tendency to lose limbs, Mike might have dodged a bullet, there.)

--This gets worse and worse. Now Jack's gently interrogating the retarded brother. This week, on a very special 24...

--Nadia's like, the third or fourth CTU employee who's been unjustly detained and/or tortured. Maybe this is why moles and people with severe social problems keep slipping through. Most sane people just refuse to work there.

--I get corporate synergy and all, but does every fucking TV have to be turned to Fox News on this show?

--I don't know if Dick Cheney is capable of getting an erection anymore, but whenever Powers Booth appears on-screen, it has to be like Viagra for him.

Jack's confirmed kills: 1 (12 for the season)

Jack's Words of Wisdom: "I'm not a stranger, I'm a police officer. You can talk to me."

Overall grade: B

Rebranding D.C.

Apparently jealous of cities with catchy slogans like "Metronatural" and "What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas," D.C. is looking to come up with something better than its current crapfest of a slogan, "Washington, D.C.: The American Experience."

Christ, that's awful. I really liked, "Be Inspired," which was featured in those commercials Tony Williams did with The West Wing cast a few years ago. But I guess as both West Wing and Williams fell by the wayside, so did the slogan.

Anyway, the city has hired two PR firms to come up with something better, paying them somewhere in the neighborhood of $150,000. Being the civic-minded person I am, I'm willing to do it for only $100,000. So if someone from the city government wants to contact me, I'll let you know where to send the check.

Here are my suggestions:

Washington, D.C.: Less of a target than New York

Washington, D.C.: Whether you dig black guys or just have a sweet tooth, Chocolate City is the place to be!

Washington, D.C.: That slutty American Idol chick? She goes to school here.

Washington, D.C.: Gentrification or bust

Washington, D.C.: Guns now welcome

Washington, D.C.: More bloggers than rats

Washington, D.C.: Our subway system is as easy as our interns

Washington D.C.: Still America's crack capital

Washington, D.C.: Our other madams don't keep records

Washington, D.C.: Hibachi!

Comic of the Week: The Flash #10

The Flash #10
"Cold Case" by Marc Guggenheim & Paco Diaz
Published by DC Comics ($2.99)

Synopsis:

Bart Allen's police academy instructor challenges the class to solve a years-old cold case featuring a headless body and no blood. Bart quickly surmises that the head must have been frozen and broken off, so he sets off to interrogate villains with freezing powers. Just when it looks like he has his man, though, Zoom--who's been vacationing in 410 A.D. for some reason--shows up to make things more complicated.

Comments:

Replacing Wally West with Bart remains one of the dumber ideas DC's come up with in recent years, and I really, really disliked the first storyline of the new series. But with a new creative team taking over, I figured I'd give it another shot.

The bad news is, Bart is still a tremendous drag on the book. For whatever reason, he just doesn't click with me. Maybe this is how Barry Allen fans felt when Wally took over the Flash mantle twenty years ago, but I'm anxiously awaiting Wally's inevitable return.

The good news is, Guggenhem does a better job than previous writers Danny Bilson and Paul De Meo. Much better. After only a couple of issues, it's obviously too early to compare his stuff to Mark Waid's incredible run, but I'm definitely getting a similar vibe. If he can buck the trend of TV writers being unwilling to meet deadlines and treating their comic book commitments like a hobby, I can see him having a really successful time on the book. (Unless of course this is one of those increasingly common deals where a writer is on a book for six issues or so, then gets cycled off. Then all bets are off, and I guess it's back to square one with the next writer.)

My one real complaint is that Paco Diaz is only on board for this issue. I really love his art, which seems particularly suited for The Flash. This is a guy DC needs to give more work to, ASAP.

Line of the Week:

"Confess to Brad Brickley's murder and I'll make sure the Keystone Cops--(Never noticed how funny that was until just now. No wonder this town needs a super-hero.)"--Flash

Overall grade: B

The Hills Have Eyes II

Last year's remake of The Hills Have Eyes ranks as one of the most boring, by-the-numbers horror films in recent memory. Worse, it didn't have even a single decent kill scene, which is generally where bad horror films redeem themselves.

So the smart thing to do would be to stay as far away from the sequel as possible, right? Especially since last weekend, I saw the genuinely entertaining Dead Silence, therefore ensuring that The Hills Have Eyes II would suffer by comparison? Probably, but I went anyway. Not really expecting a decent movie, but hoping for one, nonetheless.

Surprisingly, for the first half, I actually got one. Sort of.

Sure, it had its rough patches. Even for a horror flick, a lot of the dialogue was bad. And it has one of those cliched scenes where a bunch of soldiers are involved in an intense firefight with "terrorists"...only for it to be revealed that the whole thing is actually just a training exercise! Hey, who saw that coming? (And would the military really conduct training exercises with live ammo and explosives? I could maybe see some badass, super-elite Navy SEALs squad doing it, but a bunch of National Guard troops doing their one weekend a month? No way.)

But on the whole, the first half isn't terrible. Decent characterization (albeit, with one or two lazy stereotypes), better-than-average acting for this type of film, and most importantly, some nice deaths. One particularly inspired scene features a guy who's been cut repeatedly left in a Porta-Potty pit so he'll die of infection. And the film kicks off with a really ugly bit where a woman gives birth to one of the mutant babies, followed by an, uh...innovative way of cutting the umbilical cord, which even made me cringe.

As I've said before, if you're making a horror movie and don't have much of a story, always go with more gore. God invented R-ratings for a reason, people.

But at a certain point--about where the troops enter the mines in order to rescue one of their team from the mutants--the whole thing just takes a huge nosedive in quality, and I started praying to be put out of my misery. Which actually might have been a mistake, because the ending was one of the weakest parts of the movie.

Ending a film with title cards is rarely a good idea, but this is doubly-true when those title cards make no sense whatsoever. It's revealed that as part of a government cover-up, the dead solders were officially declared AWOL. AWOL? Why? Why not just say they died in some freak accident? What's more likely to prompt questions from their families and the press? Freak accident, or trying to convince everyone that a dozen troops and scientists just up and headed off to Canada or something?

When it comes to horror films, it's the unforced errors that are the most grating.

Anyway, to sum up The Hills Have Eyes II in one sentence: "Not quite the disaster the first one was, but close." Fox Atomic, feel free to use that in a commercial.

D.C. is good enough, hot enough, and doggone it, people like us!

It's a slow news day, so today's Politico tackles the age-old question that keeps Washingtonians with low self-esteem up at night: in spite of all its money, post-graduate degrees, and important sounding job titles, is D.C. really nothing more than just Hollywood for ugly people?

I would say yes. Not because I actually believe it, but because it's apparently something that some people are sensitive about, and it's always fun to piss people like that off. But writer Anne Schroeder offers up some really compelling proof to the contrary. Really compelling proof.

For example, did you know that TV shows like The West Wing and The District, starring really glamorous and beautiful people like Martin Sheen and Craig T. Nelson, used to film here? (For some reason, there's no mention of K Street, which starred James Carville and Mary Matalin. Not hot enough?)

Don't forget movie stars like Ryan Phillippe and Matt Damon. Who cares if they're only here for a few days and usually don't leave their hotel rooms? Apparently, they increase the city's hotness quotient just by breathing the same air we do!

Also, did you know that Congress is getting more attractive? It's true! Why, there's Stephanie Herseth and...uh...um...I guess Maria Cantwell. Maybe.

Anyway, Schroeder doesn't just talk a good game. She includes photographic evidence of D.C.'s hotness, as well! There's a fantastic picture of the current Miss District of Columbia! Not to mention...wait, no, that's the only photo in the article. Huh. I mean...there's no one else they could have included a picture of, other than the one person in the city whose job it is to be beautiful?

And then there's some stuff about D.C. having hip restaurants and nightclubs, and a burgeoning fashion scene, and something about Condi, but my eyes had glazed over by that point.

All kidding aside, why is anyone still bothering with this discussion? You never hear people living in Boston or Pittsburgh or Chicago wasting time with this shit. Like any metropolitan city where the acting and modeling industries aren't major presences, there's a wide selection of people of varying degrees of attractiveness. And yes, shockingly, the really beautiful people tend to be few and far between. And for that, you can blame genetics, not geography.

But the only people who actually care whether or not D.C. is "ugly" by comparison, are transplants from New York or L.A. with superiority complexes, or lifelong D.C. residents with inferiority complexes.

Or, I guess, desperate journalists in need of a story.

The British are coming

Just remember--no matter how silly the idea of having a queen might be to us, as Americans we must be gracious and considerate hosts.

Metro's young punk crisis

When the last bell rings, thousands of District schoolchildren make their way to the nearest Metro train -- their school bus on rails -- where many let loose a day's worth of bottled-up angst, energy and emotion. All that the tens of thousands of other riders want, in most instances, is a quiet trip home.

The tension between the groups has been a long-standing concern for Metro, and efforts to do something about teenagers' rowdy behavior have grown more urgent as problems have escalated. In the past four years, juvenile arrests have nearly doubled, and warnings have increased more than 40 percent. (Washington Post)

I'm not sure who these lucky people are who get off work at 3:00 or 3:30, when students are heading home, but I suspect a lot of their problems would be solved if they got proper jobs that kept them at work until 5 or later, like the rest of us.

But still, their point is well taken. There's nothing worse than obnoxious children on the Metro. And tragically, the legal system is unfairly tilted towards them. A bunch of kids can run wild on a bus or train, shouting obscenities, tearing up newspapers, and splashing water on passengers, and face nothing more than a warning.

But if an adult were to retaliate in a proportionate manner--say, by picking up one of the kids and tossing him onto the third rail--that adult would go to prison. Where's the justice in that?

Look, no one wants to admit that killing a child or two (or ten) in order to set an example for the rest is sometimes necessary, but if we're being intellectually honest instead of merely emotional, we must. Think back to when you were a kid. Did you respect adults shaking their finger at you? Threats to call your principal? Transit cops handing out written warnings? No, of course not.

Would you have respected someone grabbing your buddy and throwing him in front of an oncoming train? Damn skippy you would have.

Therefore, I call on all Metro riders to take back our transit system through whatever means necessary. If they pull a water bottle, you pull a gun. If they send one of yours off a train, you send one of theirs to the morgue. That's the D.C. way.

Now, I don't anticipate that this will be a popular call to arms. The fat cats who run this city, like the mayor and the chief of police and Abe Pollin--none of whom have to ride Metro, I might add--will undoubtedly come out against it. They'll pretend to be shocked and horrified at the very idea. But you have to ask yourself, whose side are they really on? The working stiffs, like you and me? Or the hyperactive psychos ruining your commute home?

This city endures so much that we can't do anything about--living with constant threat of a terrorist attack, the smoking ban, those assholes in Ward 8 inflicting Marion Barry on the rest of us, etc.--but the scourge of unruly children on the Metro is something we cannot--nay, we must not--run away from.

So for your peace of mind, for your city, and indeed, for the safety of your family...throw an obnoxious kid onto the tracks today. Maybe then, we can finally start to feel safe.

24: 7 P.M.-8 P.M.

Thoughts:

--It's sort of unsettling to see Jack deferring to Mike like that. I'm actually a little surprised that at no point did he try to stare Mike down in an attempt to reestablish his CTU alpha male status.

--So that's what happened to Audrey. Ah, well. I never really cared for her anyway.

--Another year, another mole. Who does CTU's background checks?

--Wait, the terrorists are set up right down the street from CTU? The hell...? I mean...I know the terrorists on this show are never exactly rocket scientists, but this is stretching it a bit. At least it's good to see Jack large and in charge again.

Jack's confirmed kills: 2 (11 for the season)

Jack's Words of Wisdom: "I'm going to finish this. And when I do, I'm going to track down the people responsible for her murder and I'm going to take care of them, too."

Overall grade: B+

Six Flags over stupidity

Taking a lesson from the marketing playbook that made the Washington Redskins one of the wealthiest teams in sports, Daniel Snyder's Six Flags theme parks are launching a concierge service that allows patrons to pay extra to be first in line for park rides and to get reserved seats to live park shows.

For prices ranging from $199 to $249 per person plus tax -- depending on the park -- patrons get one day's admission , preferred parking, meals, snacks, games, reserved seating at shows and "front-of-the-line ride access."
...
"We did a lot of research. People said they wanted to come out to Six Flags, but they wanted a private visit. . . . They didn't want to be included with the masses." (Washington Post)

They must really be getting desperate. And come on. "The masses"? Way to dismiss the 99% of your customer base who can't afford the VIP tickets. Why not just refer to them as "commoners"?

Now, I admit, I've never been to Six Flags. So maybe it's worth spending a thousand dollars so your family can cut to the front of the line. But I doubt it. I have yet to hear anyone rave about rides at Six Flags the way they do about Islands of Adventure or Busch Gardens. And since Snyder made the decision to focus the park's efforts on parades and people dressed up as Looney Tunes characters, I don't see that changing. Besides, with the park's attendance what it is, are the lines really that bad? We're not exactly talking about Disney World.

More importantly, who are these supposed rich Washingtonians who are anxious to visit Six Flags, but not if it means rubbing elbows with Joe Blue Collar?

"Well, obviously, we'd love to visit your magnificent theme park. But the only way we could even consider it would be if it were a private visit. So we don't have to deal with...you know... those types."

Look, I've accepted the fact that it's Dan Snyder's world, and the rest of us are just living in it. But this seems like a really stupid idea. Almost as stupid as his idea for Redskins Cola, and that was pretty fucking stupid. At this rate, the park will just continue to hemorrhage money until it's eventually sold or shut down.

Unless, of course, Danny takes an entirely new approach to Six Flags. Forget all the crap that hasn't worked, and start thinking outside the box.

For example, why not invite drug dealers to operate in the park? Think about all those meth addicts who would be so desperate for a fix, they'd gladly pay $50 to get in. Think about all the tokers who would buy horrendously overpriced park food in order to cure the munchies. Think about the (under the table and completely tax-free) 10% Six Flags could claim on every rock, pill, bag, or gram sold on its property.

That's how you increase revenue, Mr. Snyder. Not parades or VIP tickets. Drugs.

If you're interested, I have other ideas about how to increase profits. And yes, they all involve drugs. My consulting fees are very reasonable. Call me!

Comic of the Week: Buffy the Vampire Slayer #1

Buffy the Vampire Slayer#1
"The Long Way Home" by Joss Whedon & Georges Jeanty
Published by Dark Horse Comics ($2.99)

Synopsis:

Buffy, still getting used to the idea of leading an army of Slayers, conducts a raid on a church full of demons and finds a bizarre symbol carved into the chests of their victims. Meanwhile, the U.S. miltary, somewhat alarmed by the sudden emergence of hundreds of super powered teenage girls, decides to do something about them. They start by investigating the remains of Sunnydale, and find an old acquaintance of Buffy's.

Comments:

I've never been a big fan of comic book adaptations of movies and TV shows, and what few Buffy comics I've read haven't really grabbed me. Even the ones written by Whedon failed to impress. But I loved the TV show, and the hype that surrounded this relaunch as being a direct continuation of the series--this first issue is being referred to as the "eighth season premiere"--intrigued me enough to give it a try.

I wasn't blown away, but it's a big step above the Buffy comics that I've read before. The art is great, and at times, you can almost hear Whedon's dialogue being delivered in the actors' voices.

All in all, a promising start, and something that will likely be enjoyed by any Buffy fan, regardless of whether or not they also read comic books.

Line of the Week:

"I miss my home. I miss my mom. I miss the gang. And churros. And sex. Great muppety Odin, I miss that sex."--Buffy

Overall grade: B

Visit scenic Ravens Fair

It's been a really lousy year for horror movies. Aside from Hostel and The Descent, everything that's come out has ranged from merely acceptable (Saw III, Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning, and The Grudge 2) to mostly awful (The Hills Have Eyes, The Wicker Man, Black Christmas, The Omen, and Turistas), or fall into a special third category: "Everyone involved should be put up against the wall and shot," which is reserved for irredeemable shit like Stay Alive and See No Evil.

So at this point, the film industry has essentially beaten me down to where a horror movie doesn't really have to work too hard to satisfy me. It basically just has to make it through without managing to bore me or offend my intelligence too much. Which brings us to its latest offering, Dead Silence.

It's not a bad movie. It's not a great movie, and if you start thinking too much, you'll start to get annoyed with yourself for liking it, but it's not a bad movie. Decent plot, great special effects (jaws ripped open! Tongues torn out!), great score, and a couple of nifty twists. If nothing else, it's far superior to any of the above films.

Having said all that, there is one thing I want to address. Dead Silence uses a trope that's been popular with horror films for years, but in the twenty-first century, seems increasingly silly. That would be the trope of the "creepy cursed town."

It doesn't matter what movie it appears in, the creepy cursed town looks pretty much the same. It has a foreboding name. It's always overcast. The town itself is in varying degrees of economic depression. And of course, there's always a legend that no one outside the town has ever heard of.

Let's take them one by one.

1) The name: Ravens Fair? What the hell kind of name is Ravens Fair? Or Silent Hill? Or Darkness Falls? Do they want to attract evil creatures? Don't these places have tourist boards that might suggest changing the name to something a little cheerier?

2) The weather: The local weatherman must have the easiest job in the world. It's always partly cloudy with a chance for thunderstorms. One wonders what people who live in the creepy cursed town think when they turn on their TVs or watch a movie, and see places with no clouds and the sun shining. Do they never get inspired to leave the creepy cursed town? Maybe head on down to Miami for Spring Break? Apparently not.

3) The economy: Creepy cursed towns are never doing well. Sure, there's at least one rich family, but everyone else is doing horribly. At best, they have a bunch of blue collar jobs, working in the local mill or the town bar or something along those lines. At worst, most of the local businesses have shut down. (In case you're too stupid to figure out what an empty storefront means, Dead Silence helpfully has a "Store closing!" sign in pretty much every single store window along the town's main street.)

4) The "town legend": We live in the world of the Internet and 24/7 news channels. If a series of murders had taken place over several years, where entire families had their tongues ripped out and their bodies were posed in a grotesque manner, it wouldn't be a deep, dark town secret. Someone would have gotten word out. 60 Minutes would have done a story about it. America's Most Wanted would have done an entire episode. Nancy Grace would have set up shop there permanently, randomly accusing people on the street of being the killer.

Don't get me wrong. I like the concept of the creepy cursed town. It's a staple of horror films. But it's time to rethink it a bit. Modernize it. At least throw in a McDonald's or Wal-Mart or something. After all, is there anything creepier than a town where one of the few viable businesses is a McDonald's or Wal-Mart?

Guest blogger Dan Snyder

Yesterday was a day that will live in infamy. A day that finally proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that if you're a white, male billionaire who owns a professional sports franchise, there simply is no such thing as justice in this country.

For those of you who haven't heard the bad news, my wife and I were sued by Juliette Mendonca, a former employee of ours. Not an important employee, by any means. Certainly not a Joe Gibbs, who coaches my Redskins, or a Bennett Zier, who runs my radio operation, or a Vinny Cerrato, who's hands down, the best yes-man in football. No, the only thing Juliette was responsible for were my children.

(Incidentally, for those of you thinking about having children, you'd do well to reconsider. It turns out they're horrible investments. I've sunk thousands of dollars into them over the years, and have yet to see any return whatsoever. I pointed this out to Vinny once, and in a rare moment of defiance, he suggested that it's impossible to put a price on a child's love. I told him he was dead wrong, and proceeded to take him up on his challenge. I can't recall the figure I eventually came up with, but it was in the high five-figures. Vinny had no response, undoubtedly left speechless by my keen business mind.)

Anyway, a jury in Montgomery County found I was liable for $44,880 in unpaid overtime to Juliette. Now, I know what you're thinking. To me, $44,880 is worth about the same as a quarter is to you. Actually, it's probably worth less. If you dropped a quarter on the ground, you'd stop and pick it up. If I dropped $44,880, I'd likely just keep walking. But it's the principle of the matter, damn it.

In court, we attempted to argue that the Snyder organization simply doesn't pay overtime to employees, and that should be that. I mean, if a game goes into overtime, I don't expect to see Clinton Portis outside my office the next morning with his hand out. So if my nanny has to put in a few extra hours--or a few hundred of them--why is she entitled to more money? Isn't there something to be said for putting the team first?

Also, on more than one occasion, she told my wife and I how much she loved our children. If that was really the case, why would she expect to be compensated for spending a little extra time with them? I love my kids. Do I bill myself for the time I'm with them? No, I do not. But hey, apparently I should start, huh?

Unfortunately, in the end, the jury ruled against us. At first, I told my attorney I wanted to appeal on the basis that I was entitled to a jury of my peers, and the mouth breathers in Montgomery County hardly qualified. But then he pointed out that Juliette only got $44,880 out of the $240,000 that she'd asked for, so we kind of lucked out, and besides, an appeal would just end up costing me thousands more in legal fees. So I grudgingly wrote the check, my hand shaking with fury the entire time.

Later, I brought up the notion of having her killed as a warning to anyone else who might think about suing me, but my attorney assured this would be a bad idea. I'm not entirely convinced, but for now, I'm willing to let the matter drop. I might revisit it at some point, though, and am having a villa built somewhere in South America in case I ever need to flee the country.

I...probably shouldn't have written that last paragraph.

So, where does this leave me? How am I doing in all this? Good questions. Thanks for asking.

When I was a boy, my father always told me that this country was the land of opportunity. And apparently it is...if you're a money grubbing, disgruntled ex-employee with some hack lawyer you found in the Yellow Pages. But for the rest of us? The United States is just one big minefield, where the more money you have, the bigger target you are. I don't really think about the war in Iraq that often, but today, I honestly believe I understand how the troops over there must feel. They have to worry about mines, too, but at least theirs won't drag them into court. They're lucky like that.

You know, most of the time, people would probably call me a privileged man. But today? Today I just don't see it.

Mr. Snyder

"Blogapalooza"? I mean...seriously?

Hey, y'all! Fox has discovered these blog things all the kids are talking about, and they want in on the action! So much so, they set up an event this morning just for bloggers! And what with it being the early 90s and therefore still excruciatingly hip to stick "palooza" at the end of a word, there's really only one thing they could call it.

Myfoxdc.com and FOX5 News want you to join our blogging community.

And we are going to show you how at our first Blogapalooza at Busboys & Poets at 2021 14th St NW in Washington from 6:30 to 9am.

Our live reports start at 6am on Fox Morning News. Brooke Baldwin will report from this internet "hot spot" so bring your laptop computer, log on and join us. Busboys & Poets will be serving free coffee during the Blogapalooza from 6:30am to 9am.

We'll explain what the blogging revolution is all about, why more and more people are blogging and show you how to create you own blog. (MyFoxDC)

I'm not going to make fun of anyone in the DC blogging community who attended this. After all...hey, free coffee, right? And from what snippets of the event I caught on TV, it seemed like everyone was having a gay old time. (Happy gay, of course, not 300 gay.) Laughing, typing away, drinking coffee, doing unpaid shilling for Fox...it looked totally awesome!

And thank goodness Brooke Baldwin and Fox5 were there to show any blogging neophytes how to create their own blogs. With Blogger and Wordpress being so goddamn complicated (if I didn't have a Ph.D., two masters degrees, and a working knowledge of C++, this sucker never would have gotten off the ground), it's good that someone is taking the time to educate the masses. I'm just surprised Fox isn't charging for this valuable consulting service.

Of course, anyone who went down there was undoubtedly steered towards setting up a blog on Fox5's site. Which, as I pointed out a few months ago, aside from looking like crap, has some fairly sketchy terms of service. Not the least of which is that Fox owns everything you write, even if you later delete it. Granted, most blogs don't have content worth stealing, but you have to figure that eventually, some frustrated author is going to put the Great American Novel on his blog and blow the world away, and it would be a shame if Rupert Murdoch then announced that he owned it.

This is all yet more proof why local TV sucks, and media consolidation may not be such a horrible idea after all. Here's hoping WTTG axes its morning show, and just starts simulcasting Fox & Friends . Because you know Gretchen Carlson would never be caught dead saying "Blogapalooza."

24: 6 P.M.-7 P.M.

Thoughts:

--20 years ago, when Silver Spoons was on the air, whoever thought Ricky Schroder would one day be playing a badass government agent? The really surprising thing is that he actually manages to pull it off.

--Hey, so Aaron and Martha hooked up. Good for them. And Jean Smart still knows how to play crazy.

--You know, between the five minute chopper ride and the two minutes it took to get an EMT team into Martha's bungalow, they're really playing fast and loose with the real time aspect of the show. I know the show has never exactly been realistic in this regard--or any regard, really--but come on. It's getting a bit ridiculous.

--Wait, not all those guards at the consulate were evil and deserved to be gunned down by CTU. Couldn't they have found some way to broadcast a message from Yuri telling them to stand down before going in, guns blazing?

Jack's confirmed kills: 3 (9 for the season)

Jack's Words of Wisdom: "I have no intention of hurting either of you. But if you don't cooperate, I will kill you. You understand me?"

Overall grade: B

Dating for DC Dummies

This week's Date Lab features a charming couple named Debbie and Lansing. Both of them seem like fairly cool people. Which...actually, is sort of unusual for Date Lab.

Anyway, they have a nice dinner, they're attracted to each other, and it turns out they have a lot in common. They even go out on a second date (which is really unusual for Date Lab).

So everything's great, right? Right???

UPDATE : Lansing and Debbie went out again, but there won't be a date No. 3. She disliked that he asked her out via e-mail; he's now sure that they don't have chemistry.

Jesus. You know, I'm sure Miss Manners would say that asking a woman out via email is never acceptable, but I think by the third date, familiarity has been established to the point where it's okay. Plus, it's 2007. I'm not saying email is appropriate for all aspects of romance--you wouldn't use it to propose or to break up with someone (not unless you're a real prick, anyway)--but surely, it's fine for making dinner plans.

It's like some people want to die alone.

Comic of the Week: Marvel Zombies vs. Army of Darkness #1

Marvel Zombies vs. Army of Darkness #1
by John Layman & Fabiano Neves
Published by Marvel Comics/Dynamite Entertainment ($2.99)

Synopsis:

In a prequel to Marvel Zombies, Ash (from the Evil Dead films) lands in the alternate-Marvel Universe the day of the zombie outbreak. After having a vision of what's to come, he tries unsuccessfully to warn the Avengers about what's going to happen. In the end, they're the first to be infected, along with Spider-Man, and Ash is on the verge of becoming a meal.

Comments:

I've never been a Marvel fan, and don't intend to start. But last year's Marvel Zombies mini-series kicked ass. It was funny, gory, and completely irreverent; the type of book that unfortunately, DC is probably incapable of these days. So when I heard they were doing a follow-up, I was really jazzed.

Then I found out that it would be a crossover with Dynamite's Army of Darkness series, and felt a bit let down. It seemed like a completely unnecessary element. A mini-series filling in the blanks of Marvel Zombies was a great idea. Why throw Ash into the mix? But the preview looked awesome, and one wouldn't think Marvel would risk hurting such a reliable cash cow, so I tried to keep an open mind.

Now having read the first issue, it was definitely a lousy decision.

Ultimately, the crossover fails for two reasons. First, there was nothing wrong with the original concept: a zombie superhero from another dimension crashes to Earth and proceeds to infect other superheroes. Tossing in a possible alternative explanation--something about Deadites and the Necronomicon from the Army of Darkness comic--makes no sense.

Second, because the book has to split the spotlight with Ash, we get only half the zombie stuff, which, let's be honest, is the real draw. The sequence where the Avengers are killed and infected should have been expanded on, not condensed so only the aftermath of the fight is shown.

There's also an obvious tonal shift. The humor in the previous mini-series was dark and vicious, like Spider-Man moaning about having eaten Aunt May and Mary Jane, or the Black Panther carrying around the Wasp's head. Here, Layman just goes for the easy gag. For example, at the end of the issue, when three of the zombie superheroes are standing over Ash:

Hawkeye: "Anybody want dibs on his brain?"
Luke Cage and Ms. Marvel in unison: "Not me."

Ugh. It's like Henny Youngman started writing comics. In the context of Army of Darkness, maybe this would work. Here, it just falls flat.

So are there any good parts? Well, the art is really nice. It's clean and bright and colorful, which contrasts nicely with Marvel Zombies' artist Sean Phillip's more muted stuff. And what little zombie action there is, isn't too bad.

I can't really be too hard on this issue, since I came into it with really high expectations, and because it's mostly set-up for the rest of the mini-series. Still, considering that Millar and Kirkman did such a great job of already establishing the Marvel Zombies universe, it might have been nice to see more zombies, less set-up. And definitely less Ash.

Line of the Week:

"And what about me, hero? You plan on keeping me trussed up in your disgusting web gunk?"--Ash

Overall grade: C

This Captain America crap

"Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it."--George Santayana

Sometimes, I fear for you people. I really do. I mean, if you can be scammed by Marvel Comics, how can you possibly hope to survive in the real world? Of course, when I refer to "you," I mean everyone who has bought into this nonsense about Captain America being killed.

This includes anyone who ran to the nearest comic book store to buy the issue when they don't normally frequent such establishments.

This includes the hundreds of media outlets that happily gave Marvel millions in free advertising.

This includes anyone who even just went up to a friend, coworker, or total stranger, and said, "Hey, you hear they killed Captain America? Crazy!"

Sheep. You're all sheep. Look, remember this?

The year was 1993. The Buffalo Bills managed to lose their third Super Bowl in a row. Future Tonight Show host Conan O'Brien got off to a rocky start. The Clintons moved into the White House, and promptly had Vince Foster murdered. And of course, DC Comics announced they were killing off Superman.

People went nuts back then, too. "Holy shit! They're killing Superman! I have to get a copy! (Or ten!) It'll be a collector's item!"

Then the next issue of Superman came out. And the next, and the next, and the next, and when he eventually came back to life, everyone who didn't read comics on a regular basis and therefore knew this was coming, cried foul. "But...but...they said they were killing him off! For real!" Issues that were once going for upwards of $20, can now be had for a quarter. If you can't find one lining the bottom of a birdcage, that is.

Look, comic book companies are never going to stop bringing characters back to life. It's just not in their nature. This isn't just limited to major characters like Superman or Captain America, either. Even minor characters have a better-than-average chance at resurrection. All it takes is one fanboy-turned-writer to decide that a horrible injustice occurred when one of his favorite characters was killed off, and take it upon himself to right that wrong. Geoff Johns, arguably the most dominant writer at DC these days, has yet to meet a dead character he couldn't bear to leave dead. (Except, of course, for the ones he's killed off himself.)

Just a few years ago, conventional wisdom would have said that there were four characters that would never, ever, never come back to life, because in terms of storytelling, they were far more valuable dead than alive: Peter Parker's Uncle Ben, Jason Todd (the second Robin), Bucky (Captain America's former sidekick), and Barry Allen (the Flash). Guess what? Jason and Bucky are back, and all signs point to Barry Allen returning to the Earthly plane this year. As for Uncle Ben? I'm sure his time will come.

The bottom line is, Captain America isn't dead. Marvel will get as much mileage out of this as they can, and before too long--I'll say no more than three years--he'll be back, and it'll be revealed that the Captain America shot dead was a clone. Or a shape shifter. Or the whole thing was some elaborate ruse.

Or maybe the explanation will simply come in the form of a splash page of Marvel Editor-in-Chief Joe Quesada giving fans the finger, and saying, "Yeah, we could come up with some really super-cool reason why Cap's not dead, but why bother? You'll keep buying the book anyway."

Actually, I think I'd actually prefer that last one. At least it'd be honest.

Redskins in the offseason

Some combination of Joe Gibbs, Joe Bugel, John Riggins, and Dan Snyder's wife, have apparently conspired to drug Dan's breakfast each morning since the free-agency period opened up last Friday, keeping him nice and docile and unable to do anything stupid, like, say, trying to lure John Elway out of retirement, or trading away all the team's draft picks through 2020, or making a deal for Pacman Jones and his lawyer (they're a package deal these days).

Anyway, let's look at the team's moves so far:

1) Letting Derrick Dockery go

He's undoubtedly a great player, but now that the Redskins will likely shift to utilizing a combination of Portis and Betts, and because Campbell hopefully won't need quite as much protection as Brunell did, his presence isn't as vital as it was a year ago. The team would have had to spend big to keep him, and all things being equal, it probably wasn't worth it.

Net result: Positive

2) Re-signing Fred Smoot

Is Smoot a good player who simply didn't click in Minnesota and will rebound once he's back with the Redskins, or an average player who just talks (and talks, and talks, and talks) a good game? He'll definitely be fun to have around, but until I see what he can do under Gregg Williams, who has so far managed to neuter players far more talented than Smoot, I'm inclined to go with the latter.

Net result: Negative

3) Signing London Fletcher

Ideally, he'd be a little younger than 31, but this is still a great pick-up. He's proven that he's an incredibly durable player, plus he knows Gregg Williams' system. He and Nate Clements were at the top of the Redskins' wish list, but there's no way they were getting them both, and the team needs more help at linebacker than it does cornerback. (Plus, even Snyder would have balked at the $80 million contract the 49ers gave Clements.)

Net result: Positive
4) Cutting John Hall

You really hate to see a player cut due to injury, but sadly, this was long overdue. Even more so when you consider that it frees up $1.5 million under the salary cap. Plus, I'm still grateful that Snyder didn't snatch up Vanderjagt, so I'm willing to give the team a fair amount of latitude when it comes to any decisions regarding kickers.

Net result: Positive

5) No stupid trades

Heading into March, a lot people were convinced that the Redskins had some sort of big trade in the works. Hey, who needs Clinton Portis when we have Ladell Betts, right? Keep Chris Cooley? Why? Tight ends are a dime a dozen. And really, why hang onto that first round draft pick when there's some second-string receiver out there we could trade it for?

Fortunately, the team has shown a tremendous amount of restraint. Of course, that could all change over the next several months--indeed, the Redskins are apparently determined to get Derrick Bly from the Broncos, which could lead to them doing something foolish--but for now, everything seems good.

Net result: Positive

So, there you have it. By my logic, that's four positives and one negative. Not a bad offseason so far.

Of course, this time last year, I would have said that the addition of Antwan Randle-El and Brandon Lloyd gave us one of the best receiving corps in the NFL, and the team was a lock to go at least 12-4, so take it with a grain of salt.

Oh, who am I kidding? 16-0, baby! We're going to the Bowl! Hail!

Katie Couric and her not-so-merry men

I guess when you're CBS and you've paid millions of dollars to hire Katie Couric and you're dead last in the evening news ratings, you're willing to do pretty much anything to change that. Hence the small magazine I was handed this morning getting off of the Metro, called "CBS Evening News Report," full of stories written by Couric and various CBS News correspondents. (All of whom, I noticed, are men. I guess Katie learned from the whole Jane Pauley/Deborah Norville fiasco never to let a woman get anywhere near the anchor chair).

The only problem is, all the stories are varying degrees of depressing. Not, "Holy shit, I want to kill myself" depressing, but definitely, "Sigh. As I suspected, the world really does suck," depressing. Not exactly something you're likely to read and go, "Hey, fuck Brian Willams and Charles Gibson. I gotta check this out!"

Here's a list of the correspondents and stories:

Jim Axelrod: An essay about how he went to Indonesia and was surprised to discover that Muslim children don't hate us.
Dr. Jon LaPook: Leukemia.
Armen Keteyian: An undercover expose on how horrible airline security is.
Katie Couric: An interview with Parkinson's sufferer Michael J. Fox.
Byron Pitts: A story about a soldier killed in Iraq.
Steve Hartman: A story about a soldier killed after coming home from Iraq.
Dr. Jon LaPook (again): SIDS.

I mean...geez. CBS, you couldn't come up with one unequivocally happy, feel-good story to throw in there? The closest you got was Axelrod's piece, but how good can I feel about a few dozen Muslim children not hating us, knowing full well that there are several thousand Muslim adults who do?

Look, next time you hand me a magazine, I want at least one or two fun stories. Something about puppies. Or nifty gadgets that will make my life easier. Or in the very least, an interview with a perfectly healthy celebrity. I suggest Johnny Depp. Women love him, and men want to be him.

Or, if you really want to goose the ratings, some sort of Katie Couric pictorial. She is, after all, America's hottest fifty year old.

Happy Birthday, Mister Mayor for Life

I'd like to wish a heartfelt happy birthday to DC's mayor. No, not Fenty. DC's real mayor. Mayor for Life Marion Barry.

In a perfect world, this would be a national holiday (or in the very least, a regional one). There would be a parade, a formal ball, testimonials from heads of state all around the world, and perhaps to cap the day off, a public flogging of anyone who had crossed Mayor for Life Barry over the past year.

Unfortunately, this isn't a perfect world. So instead of a parade, he'll have to be content with the well-wishes of his friends and colleagues, and yes, this one lonely little blog.

But you can also do your part.

If you're a DC cop or with the Park Services Police, you can print off a "Get out of one DUI free" coupon, and send it to him. That way, the next time he's stopped, he can just hand that to the officer, and be on his way.

If you manage a hotel in the area, you can issue a press release that you will never, ever allow the FBI to set up a sting on your premises.

If you have a few hundred thousand dollars lying around, you can help Mr. Barry out with his tax problem.

And of course, if you're an attractive woman, aged 18-22, he'd love to hear from you.

"Happy birthday." Those words should have new meaning for all of us today. We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it's fate that today is Marion Barry's birthday, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom... Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution...but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, Marion Barry's birthday will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: "We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight!" We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today we celebrate Marion Barry's birthday!

God bless you, Mister Mayor for Life. God bless.

24: 5 P.M.-6 P.M.

Thoughts:

--Finally! Thank you, Tom! Someone actually has some brains on this show! When someone says, "Join us or die," it's not the time to stand on your principles and get a bullet in the brain. You lie, and say whatever you have to to get out of that situation, and then you turn on the people who were holding you captive.

--Hey, there's Bill. Answering his phone. Again. I think there's a really good chance that Bill will outlive pretty much everyone, on account of the fact that he never leaves the building.

--The scene with Logan talking to the consul was really good. It's a pretty safe bet that Logan will A) Betray Jack at some point, prompting Jack to kill him, or B) Sacrifice himself for the greater good in an effort to redeem himself. But on the minuscule chance he actually survives, he should totally become Jack's new partner.

--I loved Bill's completely half-hearted attempt to tell Jack to stand down. He knew there was no way Jack would listen, and indeed, when Jack blows him off, Bill doesn't even bother to argue. I wonder how much of Bill's white hair is because of Jack. At some point, they'll probably reveal that he's only 30.

--Yeah! Now, that's some good torture! Extra points for actually showing the bloody finger stub.

Jack's confirmed kills: 0 (6 for the season)

Jack's Words of Wisdom: "You're going to tell me what I want to know, or you're going to start losing your fingers one by one."

Overall grade: B

Where have you gone, Joe Zodiac?

Saw Zodiac over the weekend. Great movie. A bit long, but it never really dragged. And there were two important things I took away from it.

First, being a journalist in the late 60s/early 70s must have rocked. Booze, drugs, and best of all, ASCOTS! Apparently back then, nothing said "rebel" like a small flamboyant scarf around the neck.

Second, why do today's serial killers suck so much?

Don't get me wrong. The relative absence of serial killers is a good thing, and I certainly don't wish they'd make a comeback. We have enough problems with terrorists, gangs, and people throwing shit out their car windows at people.

But.

I mean, look at the Zodiac. Horrible person, but you can't deny that the man had style. Awesome name, nifty gimmick with the cyphers, and on at least one occasion, he even wore a costume when he killed someone. Does this make him the closest thing we've ever had to an honest-to-God super-villain? It would appear so.

And it wasn't just him, either. The 60s and 70s were chock full of colorful madmen. Charles Manson. The Boston Strangler. Son of Sam. Ted Bundy. John Wayne Gacy. Back then, if you were psychotic and had a flair for the dramatic, there was a place for you.

Compare them to what we've had in recent years. Jeffery Dahmer. That's pretty much it. And he sucked. And he went out like a bitch.

Given how popular fictional serial killers have become, thanks to guys like Thomas Harris, James Patterson, Jeffery Deaver, etc., plus countless TV shows and movies, wouldn't you think there'd be a surge of real ones in the past 20 years? Instead, they've all but disappeared. (Supposedly, there's a branch of the FBI that now looks into such cases, and cleans them up as quietly as possible, but you'd think some would have come to light.)

Are would-be killers becoming more sane, thanks to therapy and drugs? Or have television, video games, and other modern trappings sapped them of their imagination? Who knows. But for any possible future serial killers, if you absolutely have to go on a rampage of death and destruction, put a bit of thought into your act, huh? If I have to live in fear, I'd at least like to be somewhat entertained at the same time.

Comic of the Week: Jack of Fables: The (Nearly) Great Escape

Jack of Fables, Vol. 1: The (Nearly) Great Escape
by Bill Willingham, Matthew Sturges & Tony Akins
Published by DC/Vertigo ($14.99)

Synopsis:

After being kicked out of his own movie studio in Fables and forced into exile, Jack goes on the road, only to be captured and taken to a community where other Fables have been imprisoned by the mysterious Mr. Revise. This doesn't sit well with Jack, who immediately starts to plan his escape.

Comments:

Fables is probably the best book coming out of Vertigo these days, but when I first heard about plans to do a spin-off, I was a little concerned. At best, a spin-off was unnecessary and a possible first step into Sandman territory, where almost every minor character from that series has gotten a spin-off (most of them not very good). At worst, it seemed like there was a distinct possibility that with Willingham's attention split, both books would suffer.

Fortunately, those concerns seem completely unfounded. The first collection of the series is just as good as Fables, something that seemed impossible. In fact, in a lot of ways, this book is even more clever and ambitious than Fables. Having given Jack a purpose and his own supporting cast, it'll be interesting to see where Willingham goes with the series, and how it'll ultimately tie back into the original.

Too often these days, comics--even good ones--seem like a chore to get through. Willingham's Fables stuff is so excellent, I wish more writers would study it to figure out why it works so well, and apply it to their own work.

Line of the Week:

"He was one of my greatest successes. I had him neutered. Deadened. His story was over-censored, shunned and forgotten by the oversensitive Mundys."--Mr. Revise

Overall grade: A+

Boss Fenty

The security entourage that gets D.C. Mayor Adrian Fenty from event to event routinely runs red lights and sometimes does it with police sirens blaring.

Use of the sirens is an apparent violation of D.C. Code which states: "Whenever an emergency vehicle is equipped with a siren, the siren shall not be used except when the vehicle is being operated in response to an emergency call; or in the immediate pursuit of an actual or suspected violator of the law, in which case, the driver of the vehicle shall sound the siren when necessary to warn pedestrians and other drivers of the approach of the vehicle."
...
"I don't give the mayor exemptions," acting Chief Cathy Lanier said on WTOP's Ask the Chief program Thursday. "It's kind of the other way around. He's my boss." (WTOP)

Jesus Christ, even Richard Daley didn't have a police chief who publicly said that she'd defer to him as to whether or not laws were enforced. That's got to be third on any mayor's wish list, right after 1) Hot secretary, and 2) No budget oversight. Let the good times roll, Mayor Fenty!

Yeah, I know. In all likelihood, she was just discussing this one instance of the motorcade, and not giving him a free pass on all illegal activity. I mean, hypothetically, if Mayor Fenty were to kill a man just for the hell of it, Lanier would arrest him, right? She wouldn't just stand there and ask him for instructions? Ditto if he was ever caught in a hotel room with Rasheda Moore and a ton of crack?

Then again, given how little got done with Mayor Williams and his strict adherence to "the law" (well, except when it came to campaigning), maybe it wouldn't be a bad thing to have an all-powerful mayor for whom laws don't exist.

Let's assume that Fenty's heart is in the right place on most things. Like, for example, his proposed takeover of the city's schools, which are obviously in dire condition. Maybe a couple of his opponents on this issue disappear? That would get everyone else on board.

And we'd certainly have the hardest working government in the country. Before, if you weren't willing to give 110%, Fenty would just fire you over the phone. Now, if you start slacking, a couple of MPD officers show up at your home and take you for a little drive, which you don't come back from.

You know, I started off annoyed about the whole motorcade deal. Now I just see it as a promising first step toward Fenty completely transforming the city into a corrupt empire that he rules with an iron fist. And I'm okay with it.