24: 11 A.M.-12 P.M.

Thoughts:

--That was some fight between Karen and Tom. I'll bet this exact same discussion has taken place numerous times within the Bush administration. Only, you know, without anyone making Karen's side of the argument.

--Even though he's a terrorist who's responsible for the deaths of thousands of people, you can't help but feel a little sorry for Graham. Can you imagine growing up with Jack Bauer as your older brother? He probably got tortured every single day.

--Jesus Christ, Karen. Why not just tell Palmer that Tom tried to blackmail you into resigning? Best case scenario, Palmer fires him, but in the very least, he'd tell Tom to knock it off. Sigh. No one ever does the smart thing on this show.

Anyway, considering that Jack can drive clear across Los Angeles in about fifteen minutes, I wonder how long it takes to fly from DC to LA in the 24-verse. Two hours?

--Damn, I can't believe Graham went for the dead wife crack. Probably not a good idea when Jack can just fire back by mentioning that he used to fuck Graham's wife.

Jack's confirmed kills: 0 (2 for the season)

Jack's Words of Wisdom: "If you lie to me again, the bag goes back on."

Overall grade: C

WJFKrap

CBS talker WJFK-FM has selected Michelle Jerson (right) and Michael Checkoway to host evenings. Jerson, a former reporter for Howard Stern's Sirius show, and Checkoway, who comes from radio gigs in Atlanta and Philadelphia, did a test show based on relationships in December. "Unzipped With Michelle And Checkoway" will run from 7 PM to 10 AM starting 2/5. Apparently rejected for 106.7's evening slot: former WJFKers El Jefe and J-Dubbs, who also did a December test of their "Hideout" show, which was recently canned by an Orlando station. (DCRTV)

And a once-great radio station slides even further towards complete insignificance.

The Hideout would have been the best choice for this time slot, hands down. But it didn't work out. Fine, whatever. But how can they justify this when Ron and Fez are doing a nighttime show in New York on another Infinity station? How difficult would it have been to simulcast that? Wouldn't that have been the better (not to mention cheaper) choice, all things considered?

Now we get...what? Loveline-lite? Worse, Loveline-lite from a woman's point of view? Yeah, that'll be a really good fit with the rest of the station. Ten bucks says that within five years, WJFK gets switched from talk to something like adult contemporary. And at this rate, I don't think too many people will be sorry to see it go.

Dating for DC Dummies

Is it possible to be really irritating simply by acting like a decent human being? As it turns out, yes.

Then, walking to the restaurant, I was approached by two people asking for money. I was going to a $125 dinner paid for by the newspaper -- I thought, If we were truly giving people, we'd bring someone else in.

Well, no, if you were truly giving people, you'd do this when you were paying for the meal, not the Washington Post. Charity's easy when it's someone else's money.

But it's a terrible idea, regardless. If you want to get something to go and give it to a homeless guy outside, fine, but blind dates aren't awkward enough already?

Mark: "So, what do you do for fun?"
Shari: "Well, I love to read. I'm also a big baseball fan, and enjoy going out dancing with my friends."
Mark: "That's great. Er...how about you? What do you do for fun?"
Homeless Guy: "I sleep a lot. Hey, are you going to finish that?"

I told her that there was only so much money that could be spent at an Ethiopian restaurant, so we should bring a homeless person in to eat with us.

Dude, let it go. There's a time and a place for everything, even charity. This isn't one of them. (Besides, Ethiopian food is something of an acquired taste. I'm not sure they'd actually be doing the homeless person a favor.)

I get the sense that Mark is one of those Debbie Downer types who can't go five minutes in a conversation without sighing dramatically and bemoaning how there's so much suffering in the world. Which, you know, hooray for empathy and all. But not 24/7.

It's not something you'd expect someone to put out there within a few minutes of meeting. [But] I'm in social work, so I thought, That's really cool. It didn't even sound contrived. We threw the idea around, but I thought it [wouldn't] work practically, leaving to find a homeless person. We decided it was maybe better for a second date.

I'll give her "not contrived," because I don't think there's a guy on this planet who would think that suggesting a homeless person join them for dinner would be a good way to score points with a woman. But cool? No, not really.

It's odd to bash someone for simply wanting to feed a homeless person. But also surprisingly easy. Look, the world needs bleeding heart liberals, now more than ever. But not on first dates. Even Jesus would back me up on this one.

Comic of the Week: 52 #38

52 #38
"Breathless" by Geoff Johns, Grant Morrison, Greg Rucka, Mark Waid and Keith Giffen
Published by DC Comics ($2.50)

Synopsis:

It's Vic vs. cancer, and cancer's kicking ass. So Renee (literally) drags him to Nanda Parbat in hopes of finding a cure, but not before almost finishing him off herself by putting on his mask and suffocating him to death. On Oolong Island, the gathered scientists finally see fruit of their labor, and even they're somewhat freaked out. And Natasha Irons seems to think her days are numbered. Let's hope she's right.

Comments:

If you have a story where every mad scientist in the DCU is working together on a project, it better be pretty fucking cool. It's too soon to tell whether or not the Four Horsemen fit the bill, but at least the character designs are nice.

Is Vic dead? Hopefully not. After promising that one of the main characters in 52 would die before the end, there have been two fake-outs with Booster Gold and Animal Man. If it means keeping around one of the more interesting characters in the DCU, I'd be fine with a third. And if it means DC not taking the so-incredibly-predictable-it-hurts route of making Renee the new Question, I'd be really okay with it.

Line of the Week:

"A fan of the cold bean, I see. The downfall of many a lonely man of science."--T.O. Morrow

Overall grade: B

At midnight, the geeks will rise (or not)

To celebrate the launch of the ground-breaking new comic book series adapted from Stephen King's magnum opus, The Dark Tower, Marvel Comics will offer a first-ever midnight release of The Dark Tower: The Gunslinger Born #1 the night of Tuesday, February 6, 2007. Nearly 150 retailers across the country will open at midnight on Tuesday (effectively 12:01 a.m. Wednesday, February 7, 2007) so Stephen King fans can get their hands on the debut issue of this historic comic. (Marvel)

Jesus, this is stupid.

Maybe something like this would work during the summer. But unless you're the one store in New York City that will actually have the creative team there signing copies, asking people to line up outside of a comic book store at midnight in the dead of winter for something that will still be available in ample supply a few hours later, and isn't even written by Stephen King (no offense to Peter David, but I don't really see the historic significance of a comic based on a King novel), seems pretty damn foolish.

As for the possibility this will lure Stephen King fans out who don't typically read comics, would they even line up at midnight for an actual Dark Tower book? Sure, it's a popular series, but we're not talking Harry Potter, here.

I'm somewhat proud to see that none of DC's three comic book stores are participating. They clearly know their customers are too smart to fall for this nonsense. Or else they're just lazy. Either way, good choice.

Geekgasm

Preview of Marvel Zombies vs. The Army of Darkness #1.

I have some reservations as to whether this crossover is a good idea. But if it means more zombie superheroes, maybe the best idea Marvel has ever had, I'd buy Marvel Zombies vs. Strawberry Shortcake.

Actually, that'd be kind of cool.

Virginia: now for lovers AND gambling addicts

Colonial Downs, which offers betting on horse races at 10 sites across Virginia, is pushing for changes in state law so that it can offer a new form of gambling, called historical racing, on which people wager on horse races that have already taken place.
...

In historical gambling, which is also called instant gaming, customers would put as little as a nickel and as much as $5 into a video terminal that resembles a slot machine. The terminal randomly selects a race from an archive of at least 10,000 previous horses races from tracks around the country. (Washington Post)

Wow, it's almost like Biff Tannen came from the future and handed us our own copy of Gray's Sports Almanac! It couldn't be too hard to compile a more-or-less complete list of past horse races, could it?

Except you know those killjoys at the track would stop anyone who tried to play while in possession of one. So unless you have a Rain Man-esque photographic memory, you'd be screwed.

As for the idea itself...whatever. I'm getting tired of all these half-assed attempts to bring gambling to the area. Those fucking scratcher tickets that only the truly degenerate bother with, a proposal for slot machines in DC, now historic horse racing in Virginia, and I'm sure it's only a matter of time until someone in Maryland proposes legalizing three-card monte. "Hey, dere, hon, I'll take dat card in 'da middle!" (Sorry, my impression of a Baltimore accent--which is totally ripped off from Don Geronimo's impression of a Baltimore accent--doesn't really translate to the written word.)

Just go all the way and put a casino someplace in DC, with all the tax revenue going towards education. Fenty wants to improve DC schools? That's how. Within a year, they'll be the best in the nation. It'll be like that Saved By the Bell episode where they discover oil out back of Bayside High, and the gang fantasizes about the school being renovated with big leather chairs and fine art and whatnot. Then the school's pet duck dies in an oil spill, and the students realize that oil companies are evil and protest their presence. But I digress.

Sure, legalizing gambling would do irreparable damage to the city's already poor population, while making a small group of rich men even richer. Gentrification would become even more of a problem, and crime would skyrocket. But the schools? The schools would be awesome.

Cancelled comics cavalcade

From DC's April solicitations:

MANHUNTER #30 Written by Mark Andreyko Art by Javier Pina & Robin Riggs Cover by Jesus Saiz & Pina The shocking series finale! When you're the best superhero lawyer on earth, where do you find your next challenge? Look to the stars� On sale April 4o, 32 pg, FC, $2.99 US, Final Issue

FIRESTORM #35 Written by Dwayne McDuffie Art by Pop Mhan & Rob Stull Cover by Pete Woods The end is here as Firestorm faces the fury of a superpowered Kalibak and a horde of Parademons! After this battle, you'll see a Firestorm that's never been seen before! On sale April 25, 32 pg, FC, $2.99 US, Final Issue

And from Newsarama:

Newsarama has learned that Garth Ennis and Darick Robertson’s Wildstorm series, The Boys has been cancelled by DC, effective with issue #6 of the series, which is currently on shelves. Issues #7-#10, as well as the trade collection – all of which have been solicited – will not ship.

Shit. Well, that's about $10 a month no longer going into DC's coffers. More, actually, since I've been meaning to drop a couple of other titles, and this seems like as good a time as any to go ahead and do it.

Firestorm is a fun, consistently entertaining book, but I'd be lying if I said I was really going to miss it. But the loss of Manhunter and The Boys is awful.

Let's start with Manhunter. Not only is it arguably the best mainstream superhero book on the market, but its failure just reinforces the idea that all fanboys want are more Batman books (and you know there are too many when the only title they could come up with for the latest one is Batman Confidential), more X-books, and in general, just more of the same.

If anything, Manhunter should have gotten the same treatment that Marvel gave She-Hulk. They knew they had a great book, but the sales weren't there. So they relaunched the book with a new first issue and a big promotional push. Granted, the results aren't spectacular, but the series is still chugging along, and doesn't seem to be in any danger of getting the axe.

DC gave the book a slight reprieve in order to give it a shot at finding an audience. And for that, they should get credit. But not a whole lot, since it was done in a pretty half-assed manner, and never really seemed to have much of a chance.

As for The Boys, its cancellation is nothing sort of criminal, in that it's not based on sales, but content. When DC agreed to publish a superhero book written by Garth Ennis, what the fuck did they expect? They published Hitman and Preacher. I'm sure at least one person there read The Pro. Of course it's going to be nasty and controversial and upsetting to anyone who takes superheroes too seriously. If that's not what they wanted, they should have just hired Geoff Johns to write another title.

The good news is that Ennis is free to take the book elsewhere, and it looks like he will. This would be a really good opportunity for Marvel to offer to publish the book through Icon, and score major points with a writer who's always been more identified with his DC work than his Marvel stuff.

Seriously, you'd think DC would have learned something after alienating Alan Moore all those years ago.

The Politico

Walking into work this morning, I picked up the first issue of The Politico.

No real thoughts about its content. Other than an offer to buy news stories from readers and letting people vote online as to which reader-submitted editorials are published in the print edition (which is either a really clever way of setting itself apart from other papers by emphasizing interactivity, or a really clever way of getting cheap labor), it seems like pretty much any other political rag out there, albeit, presented in a spiffier package.

I did like Talking Tactics, as well as Anne Schroder's gossip column, although the latter mainly just reinforces how incredibly dull gossip in DC is. Two married chiefs-of-staff who work in the House have decided they now have time to have a kid? Yay?

There's also an ad in the jobs section for--I swear to God--a Political Talk Show Host. I wouldn't think those types of jobs made the classifieds, but I guess we now know where Fox News found Alan Combs. Way to go, WJLA. (If you'd rather just deliver the news instead of analyze it, they've also placed an ad for a news anchor. I get the sense that's one seriously fucked up HR department.)

But what really caught my attention was the upper right hand corner of the front page. An ostensibly free newspaper, for some reason, it lists a price of $3.50.

This makes no sense, as the newspaper boxes they're in are the free kind, ala, the Express or City Paper. Which is good, because the likelihood of someone carrying $3.50 in change to buy one is pretty slim. (The likelihood that anyone would think The Politico is worth $3.50 is even slimmer.) Also, all of the paper's content is up on the website for free. So why charge even one cent for it, let alone, three hundred and fifty of them?

Assuming it wasn't just a bizarre mistake, I'd love to know the reasoning behind this. I mean, if they're just slapping an arbitrary price tag on the front page in order to make it seem more valuable than the Post or The Hill, why stop at $3.50? Why not $10? Like I said, it makes no sense.

Other than that, though, a pretty good debut. And seriously, if I owe The Politico $3.50, just tell me where to send the check. Because I'll get right on that.

24: 10 A.M.-11 A.M.

Thoughts:

--Is the real White House bunker that nice looking? I mean, I generally don't notice these types of things, but that's a really nice decorating job.

--The helicopter on top of the house was awesome. Especially since they apparently filmed that in an actual neighborhood, as opposed to some studio lot. Sometimes--not very often, but sometimes--I wish I lived in L.A., so I could see things stuff like that.

--Holy shit, Paul McCrane, the mastermind from last season, is Jack's brother?!?!? DID NOT SEE THAT COMING. But what about the differences in their hairlines? Is Jack such a badass that he can even scare male pattern baldness?

--For a group of Muslim terrorists being held in a detention facility, they sure are a trusting bunch.

--Oh, fuck. That kid's Jack's son, isn't he? Goddammit. We finally get rid of Kim, only to get the male version. Three episodes max until he's taken hostage. Fuck.

Jack's confirmed kills: 0 (2 for the season)

Jack's Words of Wisdom: "Gray, people in this country are dying. I need some information. Are you going to give it to me, or do I have to start hurting you?"

Overall grade: B+

Learning tolerance

When I was out earlier this afternoon, I unfortunately found myself walking in the opposite direction of those March for Life idiots. Not just any idiots, either. Teenage idiots. Hundreds of them. Apparently, several of the area's religious schools decided to bus in students so that they could participate, as opposed to, I dunno...teaching them. (The result being that not only does little Johnny think evolution is a sham, but he won't be able to add, either. He'll go far.)

Anyway, I'm making my way through the crowd, occasionally having to throw a shoulder block into some kid who isn't looking where he's going, and I find myself thinking the most horrible things. Things like, "Man, it sure would be funny if a bunch of them slipped on some ice and broke something." Or, "God, please set all these people on fire."

At one point, a really fat boy was unable to squeeze through two concrete barriers. I laughed out loud.

Eventually, I started wondering where all this anger and violence and cruelty was coming from. Am I really so close minded, that I can't express any tolerance whatsoever for those who disagree with me? Especially on an issue like abortion, where there is no clear right or wrong? I am really that kind of person?

Then I asked myself, if it were a pro-choice march, would I feel any differently? And I realized I wouldn't. At all. I'd want to see God set those people on fire just as much as the pro-lifers.

And that's when it hit me: I don't hate pro-life protesters. I hate all protesters. Even the ones I passionately agree with.

It was a real weight off my shoulders.

Dating for DC Dummies

This week's Date Lab:

I could tell Deanna was nervous. She looked anxious. She's not my type, unfortunately. For me, it's a question of how people feel about how they look. She seemed insecure about her appearance. She was -- how do I say this without sounding like a jerk? -- I guess "plain" is the word.

No, no, you still sound like a jerk. I'd go so far as to say a dick, even.

I mean if you're not attracted to someone, fine. But don't fling around bullshit like, "She seemed insecure about her appearance." What's the point of playing amateur psychologist? You should have just stopped at, "She's not my type."

Adam : Then I asked her, "What's the craziest thing you've ever done?" She thought for 10 minutes and then said, "I can't think of anything about me, but my parents have motorcycles."

Deanna: His was that he stayed up for 48 hours. I was like, "That's crazy, living on the edge."

Zing! I mean, a 25 year-old woman shouldn't be especially proud of the fact that she can't think of a single crazy thing she's ever done. I would actually be a little alarmed. But then again, she wasn't the one who brought it up in the first place.

Also, you know who else often stays up for 48 hours straight? Meth addicts.

I'm the best listener you'll ever talk to. I'm outgoing, passionate, loyal to a fault--and a feminist.

Wait, how the hell can you take credit for being a feminist? It's 2007. That should be the default position, not something that makes you unique. It's like bragging that you think black people and white people are equal.

Also, I would think a feminist might have trouble reconciling those beliefs with the earlier statements about his date's looks, but that's just me.

Comic of the Week: Helmet of Fate: Detective Chimp #1

Helmet of Fate: Detective Chimp #1
"The Case of the Massively Magical Monkey Mage" by Bill Willingham & Shawn McManus
Published by DC Comics ($2.99)

Synopsis:

After investigating the murders of a bunch of rich kid would-be superheroes, Detective Chimp gets knocked upside the head by the Helmet of Fate. Against all good judgment, he decides to give it a try. Hilarity ensues.

Comments:

Man, would I buy a Detective Chimp series by Willingham. In a heartbeat.

"Wait," you may be thinking, "couldn't you just buy Shadowpact, which is basically the same thing, in that it features Detective Chimp and is also written by Willingham?"

And the answer is yes, I could, but that would also mean I'd have to buy a book featuring Blue Devil, Nightmaster, Ragman, etc., none of whom I particularly care about. A Detective Chimp solo series, though, would be awesome. If for no other reason than that Batman doesn't really seem to be doing all that much detecting these days, so it would be nice to have an honest-to-god detective series on the stands. (And if it features a talking chimp, all the better.)

Oh, and while I don't really care about Dr. Fate one way or the other (in fact, this is the only Helmet of Fate issue I plan on buying), the decision to remove the lower half of the helmet sucks. Fate may not be an interesting character, but his costume has always been one of DC's best. Why mess with perfection?

Line of the Week:

"You're in luck, officers. Batman's only the world's greatest human detective. I'm better. No brag--just fact."--Detective Chimp

Overall grade: B

Week three NFL playoffs picks

1-3 last week; 163-101 for the season

New Orleans at Chicago: Chicago
New England at Indianapolis: Indianapolis

Making anarchists cry

In Chinatown this afternoon, I passed a woman hawking TV shirts on the street. One side of the shirt (black, natch) had the anarchy symbol, and the other said, "Stop bitching and start the revolution." Like every other nutjob on a DC street corner, I think she also had literature to hand out, but I'm not sure.

As I walked by her, completely ignoring her attempts to get my attention, I heard her say, "People are so rude!" to her friend/co-hawker.

Three points.

First, once you reach the age of 30, you're officially too old to sell shit with the anarchy symbol on it.

Second, since I'm dressed fairly nicely today (borderline-Young Republican preppy, in fact), I don't know why the hell she was surprised or offended that I wouldn't be interested in something that only a 14 year-old goth kid would think is cool to wear. (And even the 14 year-old Goth kid would get embarrassed and take it off eventually.)

Third, if you're going to ignore points one and two, at least grow a thicker skin when people don't pay attention to you. Just like baseball, there's no crying in anarchy.

2007 Washington Auto Show

I'm not a car guy. I've never been a car guy. Cars bore the living hell out of me.

I mean, like most men, I can appreciate them on an aesthetic level (at least enough to make insightful comments like, "Hey, that one looks really cool."), and I guess I'm impressed when they make one that can go 0-60 a second faster than the previous model could, but in general, I've never paid any attention to cars. In fact, I have this recurring nightmare that I'll be walking down the street one day, and see a bunch of bank robbers hop into their getaway car and speed off. Later, when the cops ask me what kind of car it was, all I can mumble is, "Um...green?", causing them to all look at me in disgust.

Anyway, if you don't give a crap about cars or the car industry, the only real reason for going to the Washington Auto Show is for the line-up of celebrities they get every year. The obvious ones, the not-so-obvious ones, and the "What the hell are they thinking?" ones. Here's the rundown:

Wednesday

Bill Lester: Some NASCAR driver I've never heard of.
Richard Petty: Some NASCAR driver I have heard of.
Antwan Jameson: When you can't get Gilbert Arenas...
Redskins Cheerleaders: How can they possibly have any pep left after this season?
Ladell Betts: Should we read anything into the fact that he's here instead of Portis this year?

Thursday

Jason Campbell: Awesome! (Sorry, Mark.)
Chris Cooley: Double-awesome!
(Only two guests this day, but what it lacks in quantity, it more than makes up for in quality.)

Friday

Jeanette Lee: No one cares about pool players unless they're smoking hot. A show mainstay.
Darrell Green (Darrell will sign official Washington Auto Show photos only): Piss off, Darrell. God forbid you sign a football or jersey for a fan without them paying the obscene rates you charge on your website.
Brian Mitchell: It probably won't happen, but if there's any justice in the world, his line will dwarf the greedy Darrell Green's.
Doc Walker: Ditto.
Jessica Reyes: Who?

Saturday

Thorsten Kayne: From All My Children. Each year, they always bring in a few soap opera stars. I guess to make sure the crowd isn't one big sausage factory.
John Cena: Jesus, wrestling sucks these days. Couldn't they at least have gotten Hulk Hogan? Or for sheer entertainment value, the psychotically conservative Ultimate Warrior?
Danielle Evans: I don't watch America's Next Top Model. Is this an impressive booking?
Torrie Wilson: Wrestling still sucks, but it's good to see the WWE is going after the heterosexual male demographic who don't like watching oiled-up naked men grope one another.
Gary Sinese and the Lt. Dan Band: Sinese is one of my favorite actors, but it's a universal rule that celebrity-fronted bands suck. Pass.

Sunday

Freddy Adu: Shouldn't he be appearing at the Salt Lake City Auto Show?
Jason Thompson: General Hospital actor. Who cares.
Kimberly McCullough: Ditto.

Bill O'Reilly: Still a perv

Bill O'Reilly of "The O'Reilly Factor" on the Fox network really is a force of nature, isn't he? The question is, is this a force for good or ill? I, for one, am no longer in doubt.

Of course, everyone in the news business knows O'Reilly's reputation for slanting, smearing and sensationalizing, but before the past few days I was unaware exactly how the O'Reilly treatment worked. Now, I know. So, in fact, does the entire state of Vermont. (Bennington Banner)

I'll get to O'Reilly in a second, but for a country that's fairly puritanical when it comes to sex, America has way a really short memory when it comes to weird sexual kinks.

Hugh Grant got caught getting a blowjob from an ugly hooker. No one ever brings it up anymore.

Eddie Murphy was arrested trying to pick up a transvestite hooker. A few Disney films and Dream Girls later, all is forgotten.

Bill Clinton used a cigar on an intern in the Oval Office. America loves him.

I don't bring this up because I think these guys should have to wear a scarlet P for the rest of their lives to mark them as perverts. Just the opposite. I mention it because no one cares, nor should they.

And why is that? Simple, it's because all these guys contribute to society in their own ways, and don't go around acting like assholes.

Now, look at O'Reilly, who doesn't contribute a thing, and is an asshole. So instead of just complaining about him being a bully or twisting facts around to suit his purposes, why isn't the whole thing about him being a perv brought up all the time in response to one of his unbalanced rants?

O'Reilly: "Why are judges in Vermont protecting child molesters?"
Vermont: "Why is Fox News protecting producer molesters?"

O'Reilly: "I'm calling for a boycott of Company X, because they blah, blah, blah..."
Company X: "Splendid. We're calling for a boycott of perverted talk show hosts."

O'Reilly: "(Fill in the blank) refuses to come on my show, because he's a coward."
(Fill in the blank): "I'm not a coward, I just don't like associating with people like O'Reilly. I mean, the things he wanted to do to that poor girl with a loofah? Jesus..."

So don't be afraid to hit O'Reilly below the belt, folks. Apparently, it's the only place he has any feeling.

Unclench, Mayor Barry. Unclench.

Yes, fans of the hit Fox show "24" may have noticed that during Monday's episode, the president of the United States' sister, Sandra Palmer (played by Regina King), and her boyfriend, Walid Al-Rezani (played by Harry Lennix), who's with the Islamic American Alliance, are sent to "one of our provisional facilities" (says a presidential aide) after Palmer deleted personnel files sought by the FBI.

What does Council Member Marion Barry, who represents Anacostia, think of the prospect of an Anacostia-based detainment facility?

"There's nothing funny or entertaining about such a scenario," he told Yeas & Nays. "We're not that much in need of development that we would tolerate something like that." (Examiner)

Come on, dude. You're the Mayor For Life. How about a spark--just a spark, mind you--of personality and/or humor? It's not like anyone is actually proposing the idea. It's just a TV show. When you're a politician, and someone asks you a pop culture-related question--even one with real world implications--no one's expecting a serious answer.

Here's how you should have responded:

--"Have you been to Anacostia recently? A federal detention center would only improve the place."

--"It'd just be for terror suspects, right? Not drunk drivers? How about people who don't pay their taxes? No? Then I'd be fine with it."

--"No big deal. I work with the Lerners and MLB on the stadium deal, so I'm used to a fascist presence in Anacostia."

Et cetera, et cetera. Seriously, doesn't the man have a staff to vet these sort of questions?

24: 9 A.M.-10 A.M.

Thoughts:

--Are the terrorists, like, two blocks away from the prison camp? Because even for this show, that guy got there pretty damn fast.

--I know Ray's under a lot of pressure and everything, but how does it not occur to him that A) he's almost certainly helping terrorists kill a lot of innocent Americans, and B) the people who he's delivering the component to aren't exactly likely to just let him walk out of there alive? Thank God the wife has some brains.

--Come on. Given everything that's going on, 911 is probably getting hundreds of calls from people about terrorists. Like CTU's going to just patch Jillian's call directly through to Jack?

--Chloe and Milo? Really?

--Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. RIP, Curtis? (Also, I like how special effects have progressed to the point where they not only show blood when someone gets shot, but chunks of flesh, too.)

--Terrorists 1, CTU 0. Way to go, Ray. Prick.

--If Condi was NSA Advisor instead of Karen, you know she'd be jumping up and down, shouting, "See, bitches? See? Mushroom cloud! Smoking gun! I totally called it!"

Jack's confirmed kills: 1 (2 for the season)

Jack's words of wisdom:
Bill--"You've done great work today."
Jack--"Good, then you don't need me anymore."

Overall grade: A

24: 8 A.M.-9 A.M.

Thoughts:

--Releasing 106 dangerous terrorists in order to stop 1? Christ, even Bush would know that's some really shitty math. Wayne Palmer is officially the worst president ever.

--You can tell Curtis resents Jack being back, and having to play second-fiddle again. He must have enjoyed the last two years, being The Man at CTU. I get the feeling this is Curtis's last season.

--By my count, the Whitebread Family has had roughly a dozen opportunities to knock the gun out of Ahmed's hand. They're just not making an effort. That's why I won't be sorry if/when Ahmed kills their lethargic asses.

--If only all carjackers could be as (relatively) polite as Jack. Class act all the way.

--Wait, hasn't 24 done the nuke bit before? Maybe even a couple of times? I guess there are only so many ways you can do terrorism plots, but still. A change of pace might be in order for next season.

Jack's confirmed kills: 0 (1 for the season)

Jack's words of wisdom: "I don't know what means anything anymore, Curtis."

Overall grade: B

24: 7 A.M.-8 A.M.

Thoughts:

-- Fucking hell, Wayne. Didn't you learn anything from your brother? When Jack tells you something, listen. Anyone who gives you contrary advice is either stupid or a terrorist himself.

--Dr. Bashir in the house! Between this and Syriana, Alexander Siddig is probably the most successful Deep Space Nine alum. Which is actually kind of sad.

-- This show has always been a Republican's wet dream, but I don't think they're going to be that enamored with this season. Americans are actually asserting their civil rights. Yes, even when the government says they shouldn't! I know! It's crazy!

-- How many siblings did David Palmer have, anyway? Not one of them was around to say, "Say, David...this thing with you proposing to Sherry. Have you really thought this through?"

-- Wow, Jack really dropped the ball on the torture session. You can tell that he feels pretty bad about it, too. It'd be like if Michael Jordan missed a free throw or something. Because Jack Bauer is the Michael Jordan of torture.

--Hmm. So I'm watching the fight between the Ahmed and the racist. Is it weird that I'm glad the terrorist won? Of course, he immediately blows all goodwill by turning the gun on his friend, but hey, Ahmed, well done taking out that other guy. Even though he was, you know...right.

-- Incidentally, thank God DC's Metro isn't as fucked up as LA's. "Ticket please," my ass.

-- "So Jack was right. He was right all along." Gee, Wayne, you think?

Jack's confirmed kills: 0 (1 for the season)

Jack's words of wisdom: "I don't know how to do this anymore."

Overall grade: B+

24: 6 A.M.-7 A.M.

Thoughts:

--An MP3 player that can detonate bombs? Somewhere right now, someone who works for the TSA is frantically adding iPods to the list of things we can't bring on planes.

--I'll take Nadia in the annual Which CTU Employee is Going to Die? pool. People who give Chloe attitude have alarmingly low life expectancies. Ditto for married couples. Sorry, Bill and Karen. You should have just lived in sin.

--If they haven't already, China needs to put Jack on the no fly list pronto. They don't ever want him back there. Then again, they do have that whole overpopulation problem. He could probably help them out with that.

--Curtis, please. Like that gun would have even helped. Jack's made you his bitch before, and he'd do it again, regardless of his injuries. Just be grateful he asked you to put it away instead of taking it and ramming it into an orifice.

--I like Kal Penn as much as the next guy. But is he seriously supposed to be playing a teenager? Even by Hollywood standards, that's stretching things.

--So the terrorists are manipulating CTU to kill one of their own, who has become a liability? Jesus, is there anyone out there who doesn't know how stupid CTU is?

--Holy shit, Jack fucking tore that guy's fucking throat out with his fucking teeth! Maybe the best Jack Bauer kill ever.

Jack's confirmed kills: 1 (1 for the season)

Jack's words of wisdom: "Do you understand the difference between dying for something and dying for nothing? The only reason I fought so hard to stay alive in China was because I didn't want to die for nothing. Today, I can die for something. My way, my choice. "

Overall grade: B+

Happy Jack Bauer Day

It says a lot that I'm sitting here watching the surprisingly exciting Chargers/Patriots game, and all I can think about is that in less than an hour, Jack Bauer will be back on television, killing terrorists and making long treks across Los Angeles in improbably short periods of time.

Hey, given that Fox is apparently now making a tradition of premiering 24 on the Sunday before Martin Luther King Jr. Day, would anyone object to renaming the holiday, MLK/Jack Bauer Day? I mean, when you think about it, they've both done a lot for our country. It seems a shame to honor one, but not the other, doesn't it?

Okay, fine, never mind.

Comic of the Week: Tales of the Unexpected #4

Tales of the Unexpected #4
"City of Monsters" by David Lapham & Eric Battle; "Architecture & Mortality" by Brian Azzarello & Cliff Chang
Published by DC Comics ($3.99)

Synopsis:

Much to the chagrin of dead cop/unwilling Spectre host Crispus Allen, the Spectre continues whittling down the Gotham City underworld in fun and interesting ways, like having spiders eat a murderer from the inside out.

Batman finally realizes something's up, and decides to put a stop to it. In typical Batman fashion, he goes about this by glaring a lot and uttering things like, "Leave my city...or I will find a way to make you leave." Being the living embodiment of God's vengeance, the Spectre obviously isn't going to be overly-impressed, but it apparently works, thus stoking Batman's ego another day.

In the back-up story featuring Dr. Thirteen, there are pirates, Nazi gorillas, the ghost of Robert E. Lee, and the return of Infectious Lass, about as obscure a character as you're likely to find. And yes, this is by the same guy who writes 100 Bullets. Go figure.

Comments:

When they turned Allen into the Spectre, it seemed like a really dumb idea, and a continuation of Greg Rucka's annoying trend of taking Batman supporting characters and jamming them in roles where they don't belong (i.e., Sasha Bordeaux going from bodyguard to half-robot government agent). But it's actually worked out really, really well.

This book is one of the hidden gems of the post-Infinite Crisis DCU, and it's a shame the book doesn't have more of a buzz. John Ostrander still holds the crown when it comes to writing the Spectre, but Lapham's doing a great job, too.

As for Azzarello's story, who would have thought the writer behind 100 Bullets, Hellblazer, and that fairly humorless Batman story-arc from a couple of years ago, had a wacky side? The only real question is why this is only a back-up instead of its own mini-series.

Line of the week:

"I--I didn't think I could actually hit you."--Batman

Overall grade: B

Week two NFL playoff picks

3-1 last week; 162-98 for the season

Indianapolis at Baltimore: Baltimore
Philadelphia at New Orleans: Philadelphia
Seattle at Chicago: Chicago
New England at San Diego: San Diego

You get a stadium! And you get a stadium! Everybody gets a stadium!

Snyder and D.C. United's owners realize the District is in neither the mood nor the condition to pay for more temples of professional sports; the level of grumbling about how Major League Baseball fleeced the city is running very high, and no one needs to be reminded that the new mayor opposed the baseball deal from start to finish.

So the soccer and football concepts are structured in a new way: The team owners would pay all or nearly all stadium costs in exchange for the right to develop adjacent land with hotels, retail and housing. The city can say that it's getting free stadiums, and the team owners can win control of -- and massive profits from -- choice real estate. (Marc Fisher)

First, why are we giving the DC United jack? It's soccer. Hey, while we're at it, why don't we give the curling and synchronized swimming teams sweet real estate deals for new arenas, too? (And spare me the lecture about how popular soccer is around the world. So was Baywatch.)

The Redskins deal is much more attractive, for both the city (in that it would generate huge tax revenues) and Redskins fans (in that it would be a lot easier to get to the new stadium, and that the team would no longer technically be the Landover Redskins).

Still, do we really want to just hand over part of the city to Dan Snyder to develop as he sees fit? At best, the whole area would just be renamed Redskins Park. At worst (and with Snyder, it's always worse), it would be called Snydertown or FedEx Heights or something.

Just Imagine Stan Lee Creating Saddam Hussein

The similarities between the way Saddam and his men spoke, and supervillain dialogue in Golden and Silver Age comic books, are uncanny.

"I will strike them with chemical weapons and kill them all," a voice identified by prosecutors as that of Majeed, Saddam's cousin and a senior aide, is heard saying.

Melodramatic vow to eradicate one's foe(s)? Check.

"Who is going to say anything? The international community? A curse on the international community!"

Belittling the ability of the rest of the world to resist? Check.

"Sir, does it exterminate thousands?" a voice asks back.

"Yes, it exterminates thousands and forces them not to eat or drink and they will have to evacuate their homes without taking anything with them, until we can finally purge them," the voice identified as Saddam answers.

Painfully forced exposition disguised as dialogue? Check.

Now I'm kind of sorry Saddam's dead. Think of the entertainment value we'd have gotten by bugging his cell, and listening in as he ranted and raved about his plans to escape and seek revenge on the Great Satan.

There's a real shortage of people who could legitimately be called supervillains in the world. We should make an effort to preserve them.

Queen Britney

"She's made no mistakes at all," says Penny Junor, who has written several books about the royal family, including a biography of Diana. "She seems self-assured. She's got poise and grace. She looks good. She dresses well. She could be a perfect bride for William." (Washington Post)

All that may be true, but Kate Middleton ain't all that. Remember the good old days, when it got out that Prince William had a major crush on Britney Spears? Causing the American media to breathlessly (albeit, briefly) speculate that one day, she might be the Queen of England? Which in turn caused the British people to collectively gasp in horror? I miss those days.

Perhaps the news that she's no longer with American prince Kevin Federline hasn't crossed the ocean yet. Because I can't think of any reason why, with her back on the market, William hasn't sent a private jet to the U.S. to whisk her and her two sons away to Buckingham Palace so he can properly court her. I mean, why waste time with some commoner when he could be with the Princess of Pop?

In addition, ever since the Iraq War began, things have been strained between the U.S. and Great Britain. Think how much closer a William/Britney union would bring our two great nations.

Hell, think how awesome it would be for the future Queen of England to greet her subjects with, "Oh my God, y'all! Hey!"

Think about it, William. Don't let this one slip away again.

Marion Barry makes a funny

"And [Gilbert]'s as good off the court as on the court," he continued. "That's important. Don't act crazy off the court and do well on the court. That's not good for anybody, particularly the black athletes. The black young people need as many positive images as they can get, and he does that. Big Oh. Zero." (DC Sports Bog)

There's something both extremely hilarious and extremely sad about DC's former mayor, current councilman, former tax cheat, former adulterer, former(?) drug addict, and current drunk driver, saying, "not to act crazy" and advising black young people where to look for their role models.

If only it were possible for Gilbert Arenas to somehow travel back in time and sit down with a young Marion Barry during his formative years. Imagine how much better off the city would be today. Of course, if that happened, the phrase, "Bitch set me up!" never would have entered our lexicon, so I guess everything worked out for the best.

For what it's worth, though, I do agree with Barry that Gilbert Arenas makes a fine role model for young people, black or otherwise. I mean, the man owns a professional Halo team. What more is there for a kid to aspire to in life?

Springfield, Japan

This is awesome. The Simpsons as anime. (Drawn by Space Coyote; click to enlarge.)

The weirdest thing of all about this picture: Marge is actually kind of hot.

Comic of the Week: 52 #35

52 #35
"Rain of the Supermen" by Geoff Johns, Grant Morrison, Greg Rucka, Mark Waid and Keith Giffen
Published by DC Comics ($2.50)

Synopsis:

Lex Luthor giveth; Lex Luthor taketh away. With the push of a button, Luthor shuts off the powers of dozens of Everyman heroes while most of them are flying in the Metropolis New Year's parade, causing superheroes to start falling out of the sky. Out in space, Starfire, Animal Man and Adam Strange realize that trusting Lobo maybe wasn't so smart after all.

Comments:

Mass superhero casualties usually make for fun stories, and this issue is no exception. If anything, it's better, because not only does it have mass superhero casualties, it has Lex Luthor standing around, casually having a cellphone conversation and needling Supernova, while people are dropping all around him.

As for the outer space stuff...meh. It's never grabbed me, so even 4 pages out of 22 seems like too many. They should have just made this an all-Luthor issue.

Line of the week:

"I know! I'm shocked! Appalled! Gosh, if only Metropolis had a Superman who could stop this chaos! Oh, well."--Lex Luthor

Overall grade: B

Romo is burning

About the only possible way last night could have been even more brutal for Tony Romo is if the shock of the blown snap had given Bill Parcells a fatal heart attack, Carrie Underwood had broken up with him right on the sidelines, and the terrorists, emboldened by the weakness of "America's team," launched another attack on us.

Don't feel too sorry for him, though. In feudal Japan, Romo would have been expected to fall on his sword. Now he'll probably get paid to star in a Super Bowl commercial poking fun at his mistake. All things being equal, I think Cowboys fans would prefer seppuku.

Week one NFL playoff picks

11-5 last week; 159-97 for the season

Kansas City at Indianapolis: Kansas City
Dallas at Seattle: Seattle
NY Jets at New England: New England
NY Giants at Philadelphia: Philadelphia

Guest blogger Dan Snyder

The Washington Business Journal just published an interview I did with them recently. And I use the word "interview" in the loosest possible way, because I only gave the writer three minutes and twenty-six seconds of my time. You may think that doesn't sound like much, but it's actually the second longest interview I've ever done, after that puff-piece (sorry, I mean, "hard-hitting interview") that the Washingtonian ran a few months ago.

Interesting fact you probably don't know: I had complete editorial control over that article. It was a condition of doing it in the first place. The writer tried to sneak in a few critical comments, but I took care of them, by God. The Washingtonian is actually on my list of things to buy, and when I do, you can bet that guy will be the first one I fire.

Anyway, since not many people read the Washington Business Journal, here are a few key parts of the article that I wanted to expand on a bit.

Sources say Snyder is poised to start 2007 with a bang, too. He's close to signing a deal to take over a major restaurant chain.

I'm really excited about this. I can't reveal which major restaurant chain it is yet, but I'll give you a hint. We've decided to change the chain's name in order to reflect the new ownership, and here are the two choices we've narrowed it down to: T.G.I. Snyder's (Thank Goodness It's Snyder's) and T.S.I. Friday's (Thank Snyder It's Friday's). I prefer the second one, because it makes me sound more deity-like, but we'll leave it up to the focus groups.

"This football season has been my biggest disappointment in many years," Snyder says of his team, which lost all four pre-season games, and was 4 and 9, with just three games to play before the end of the season and had no hope of making the play-offs as it did the year before."

"All I want to do is win," he says.

That's not an exaggeration. All I want to do is win. Some days, it's literally all I can think about. I'll just be sitting in my office, thinking about how much I want to win and how unfair it is that I haven't and how motherfucking Brunell and Gibbs and Jerry Jones and the fans are all conspiring against me and how I'm richer than any of them will ever be and therefore better than them and why does God hate me so much and WHY HAVEN'T I WON THE SUPER BOWL?!?!?!?!?!?!, and realize that several hours have passed, and it's dark outside, and I'm sitting in my own waste.

All because winning is all I want. Remember that. That's how you succeed in life. Eye on the prize, kids. Eye on the prize.

"I bet on winners," he said. "Tom Cruise is a winner."

Indeed! Did you see Mission Impossible 3? Wasn't it great? I just know it'll win a bunch of Oscars. Now, I'm still getting used to this whole blogging thing, so how is it bloggers express when they like something? Oh, yeah: Best. Movie. Ever.

Although, if we're being honest, when I decided to buy a movie star, Tom Cruise was only my fourth choice. I first tried to get Brad Pitt, but his asking price was too high. Tom Hanks just laughed at me. Then I went after Jessica Biel. She isn't as famous, so she seemed open to the financial part of the deal, but when she read the Must Agree to Breed With Dan Snyder clause in the contract, she backed out. Pity. With her looks and my looks and brains and business skills and football savvy, we would have had the perfect child.

Well, this brings us to the end of another productive blog entry. Try to enjoy the NFL playoffs, and for all you Redskins fans out there, rest assured, we will be in the Super Bowl next year. Even if it means I have to have every other team in the NFL eliminated.

Happy new year!

Mr. Snyder

How not to make friends and influence people on the Metro

Suppose you're standing on the Metro platform waiting for the train. After a really long wait, it finally arrives, but it's packed. And no one gets off. In fact, it's so packed, only four or five people of the large crowd that was waiting, were able to get on, and there's no more space.

Do you:

A) Try and push your way on anyway.
B) Stick your hand inside the car to grab one of the poles, as if fitting 5% of your body somehow means that the other 95% will also be able to board.
C) When people object to being shoved, whine about how you're not going to wait another half-hour for a train, despite the fact that the operator just said that another one would be coming in a few minutes.
D) Tell everyone to go to hell when they start laughing at you.
E) All of the above.

If you were the loser at L'Enfant Plaza tonight, the answer was E.

What made it really funny is that the guy looked like Dwight Schrute's younger, dumber brother. There's nothing quite as sad as someone who, physically, is completely and utterly non-threatening, trying to push people around.

Rule of thumb: When you're acting tough, and people are openly laughing at you, you're doing something wrong. Really wrong.

Best and Worst of 2006: TV

Best:

5) Dexter

The "serial killer who hunts serial killers" bit has been done to death, but the show manages to keep things interesting, thanks to some great writing, dark humor, and an unbelievable performance by Michael C. Hall, who does creepy-yet-funny better than anyone since Anthony Hopkins in Silence of the Lambs.

4) Heroes

Every time I heard "Save the cheerleader! Save the world!", I wanted to throw something at my TV. But the show itself is shockingly good. As I've said before, it's probably better than just about any superhero comic out there. Good for viewers of the show. Depressing for comic book fans.

3) It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Quite simply the funniest show to air in the past ten years. And amazingly, the addition of Danny DeVito made it better, not worse.

2) Battlestar Galactica

I feel sorry for anyone who refuses to watch this based on A) the title, B) the fact it airs on Sci-Fi, or C) dislike of science fiction in general. It's probably the most relevant and thought-provoking show on the air. Plus, it has things blowing up. Lots of things.

1) 24

Each year, I think this is the season 24 will let me down. But aside from the third season (which started off absolutely horrible, but they pulled it out in the end), it keeps getting better. And the last season was the best one yet. I don't think it's any exaggeration whatsoever to say that 24 may well be the pinnacle of human artistic achievement, and Jack Bauer is the best fictional character of all time.


Worst:

5) The Simpsons

Good God, just let it die, already. It's been going downhill for years now, but it's getting to be unwatchable. How many plots can one show recycle? Hey, look, Homer has a new job!

4) Dancing With the Stars

I don't get it. No one cares about anything else Mario Lopez, Joey Lawrence, or Tucker Carlson do on any other given day. Why the interest in seeing them dance?

3) Grey's Anatomy

"Hi, I'm Meredith Grey. I'm a whiny, squinty, ego-maniac, who somehow convinces good looking men to sleep with me, and occasionally, even leave their wives. People mistake my complete self-absorption for pathos, and therefore think I'm deep and interesting. Why is my show so popular? I have no idea. People are dumb."

2) Lost

Remember the good old days? The reveal of Locke in a wheelchair? When it seemed like the Others were just a bunch of savages? When we had no idea what was in the hatch, but just knew it was going to be something really awesome? Boone? Shannon? Walt?

Yeah, me, too. Sigh.

We all knew the show would start to suck eventually. But who knew it'd be this soon? Or this bad?

1) Deal or No Deal

I hate Howie Mandel. I hate the fact that people calling out numbers on suitcases is somehow considered a "game." I hate the fact that NBC thinks I'm going to get sexually aroused at seeing women in dresses. I hate this show.

Again with the statehood...

D.C. Mayor Adrian Fenty opened his inaugural speech with a call for statehood for the District of Columbia.

Fenty took his oath of office privately Tuesday, but during a public swearing in Wednesday, Fenty renewed his call for full congressional voting representation for the city's nearly 600-thousand residents. (Fox 5)

DC statehood is a horrible, horrible idea, for three reasons.

1) As I've said before, fifty is a perfect number to stop at. If DC becomes a state, in order to maintain that number, we'd have to either contract or sell an existing state, which would be a huge pain in the ass. (Although, we don't really even need one Dakota, so why are there two?)

2) DC residents get far too much enjoyment complaining about not having full representation in Congress, to give it up for something as worthless as full representation in Congress.

It's like with Red Sox fans. Once they finally won the World Series, and could no longer whine about curses and the Bambino and whatever the hell Red Sox fans used to whine about, they suddenly discovered they really didn't have anything to talk about. In victory, they'd lost their entire reason for living. Now they just wander around like zombies, and occasionally mutter something about the Celtics not being any good since Bird left, until someone tells them to shut up.

3) You know we'd somehow end up with Senator Barry. Come on, you know we would.

Don't do it, Mayor Fenty.

Dating for DC Dummies

In a good Date Lab, one participant acts like a dork and/or tool. In a great Date Lab, they both do.

Within five minutes, she mentioned that she'd wanted to meet a nice Jewish doctor.

The Jewish part I can understand, but specifying a potential mate's career? Even in DC, where one's job is often seen as their worth as a human being, there's something off-putting about that. (And she goes on to repeat it in her Dream Date section, so it clearly wasn't just an offhand comment.) It's okay for your mom to want you to meet a nice, Jewish doctor. When you openly wish it for yourself, it's kind of weird.

I'm 5'8 and could be a model

Of all the things women should never say, "I could be a model" should be near the top of the list. First, it's hardly ever true. Plus, with the Internet, anyone "could be a model." All you need is a digital camera and a few outfits, and you're good to go. It'd be like me claiming "I could be a writer" just because I have this blog. Second, 5'8 isn't that tall in the modeling world. Third, even if it were true, it's still sort of tacky to say so.

UPDATE: Noah called and texted Amory several times after the date. She, in turn, e-mailed us saying she'd "realized how inappropriate Noah's behavior really was," and listing 14 things he'd done that "you should never ever do on a first date."

I dunno. 14? I guess it's possible, but unless you're either the nitpickiest nitpicker in the world or on a date with a tremendous, tremendous loser, I'm having trouble coming up with 14 unforgivable first date sins. I'd be interested in seeing her list.

Then when the waitress came, I ordered for us. It's an old-fashioned thing to do, for the guy to order.

Why do people--okay, usually men--excuse poor behavior by claiming it's "old-fashioned"? Smacking a woman around when she gets mouthy is "old-fashioned," too, but I don't think that defense would impress anyone.

Amory : After dinner, he wanted us to go to this bar, Saint-Ex, where [another friend of his] was hostessing.

Noah: I just wanted them to meet so that Amory would know I had friends. (Laughs.)

Er...insecure much, dude?

Amory : [Afterward,] we walked to my car. He wanted to hold my hand and kept asking me to come up to his apartment. I turned my cheek when he aimed for the lips.

Noah: I invited her up for a drink. We'd been talking about our condos earlier, so I wanted to show her my apartment.

Heh. Right. It was merely their shared interest in interior design that motivated him to invite her in. I'm amazed she saw through this clever and cunning ruse.

And see? This proves she couldn't be a model. A model probably would have fallen for that.

"At BMW of Sterling, your job's your credit" just doesn't have the same ring

Here's something else the Redskins need to work on in the off-season: getting better agents.

Drew Rosenhaus represents most of the Redskins who did those sweet-ass Eastern Motors commercials, so he may want to start leaving business cards around Redskins Park. Because by the looks of things, there are people on the team who need his help.

And by "people," I mean Brunell and Cooley. Over the weekend, I saw a commercial for BMW of Sterling, featuring them being "interviewed" by ex-Redskin Darrell Green about how much they love BMWs. (This has probably been airing for a while, but since I never watch Redskins Game Day, I've missed it until now.)

The commercial has them all sitting at a desk with model BMWs on it, and Cooley looks like he's constantly on the verge of cracking up. And who can blame him, considering he had to deliver lines like, "That's right, Mark!" (Or maybe it's Brunell who says, "That's right, Chris!" I can't remember.)

Local commercials are always going to look somewhat cheap, but shouldn't a BMW dealership be able to afford something a little classier than an ad that looks like it was written and directed by a high school AV club?

And no matter how badly the team does, these are still Redskins, which around here, is the next best thing to being gods. Two words for next time, guys: creative control. Ask for it. Nay, demand it.

"Okay, I can get through this. Just smile and think about the free BMW they're giving me. Free BMW. Free BMW. Free BMW...."



"Thank God I booked this gig before getting benched. Hmm...I hope they don't ask for the car back."



"This is pretty fucking lame, huh, Chris?"
"That's right, Mark!"



"Chris, this is the kind of undignified shilling you'll be doing full time when you retire in ten years. Next year for you, Mark."