It doesn't happen often, but now and then, a children's movie comes out that also has mass appeal for adults. You know, your Shreks. Your Harry Potters. The odd Disney or Pixar film.
What I want to know is, when this rare event occurs, as it did this past weekend with Shrek The Third, why should I have to suffer through two hours with a bunch of loud, undisciplined, smelly, stupid little kids? When I see children watching an R-rated movie because their parents brought them along for some reason, do I make a point of pestering them? No. So why can't the little bastards return the favor?
The theaters aren't blameless in this, either. If they're going to cater to anyone, it should be to childless adults with a lot of disposable income. Not to kids who are too young to even get an allowance, or worn out parents who barely even go to movies anymore.
Clearly, the fairest thing to do would be to set aside a separate theater so adults who don't have kids can enjoy the movie in peace. If there aren't any available theaters, can't something be done to at least ensure that any disruption will be minimal? Can't they issue muzzles and leashes along with each child's ticket? Or have ushers constantly patrolling the theater, ready to toss people out at the first sign of trouble?
Or how about taking out the first few rows of seats and installing some sort of large soundproof Plexiglas pen? The kids can be stuffed in there during the movie. They can run around and shout and be smelly, to their hearts' content. Now, on the topic of air holes, I can understand the temptation to include them. But it would sort of defeat the purpose if noise were allowed to escape, wouldn't it? I think young children, with their little lungs, should be able to survive for a couple of hours in an airtight chamber. And if they can't...well, the great thing about kids is that they're easy to replace.
Also, just because I'm seeing one kids' movie doesn't mean I want to see previews for a bunch of other kids' movies. If I have to sit through a preview for Surf's Up (which couldn't look stupider), why the hell can't kids see a preview for, say, Hostel II?
I know this probably sounds like it'd be a lot of hassle to theater chains. But I'd point out that there is no such thing as brand loyalty when it comes to movie theaters. No one gives a shit whether they go to an AMC theater or a Regal theater. People just pick the closest one, or the one that has the most convenient showtime.
But for the visionary theater chain that enacts these measures I've suggested--which some would probably call "anti-child," but I prefer to think of as "pro-adult"--that could easily change.
What I want to know is, when this rare event occurs, as it did this past weekend with Shrek The Third, why should I have to suffer through two hours with a bunch of loud, undisciplined, smelly, stupid little kids? When I see children watching an R-rated movie because their parents brought them along for some reason, do I make a point of pestering them? No. So why can't the little bastards return the favor?
The theaters aren't blameless in this, either. If they're going to cater to anyone, it should be to childless adults with a lot of disposable income. Not to kids who are too young to even get an allowance, or worn out parents who barely even go to movies anymore.
Clearly, the fairest thing to do would be to set aside a separate theater so adults who don't have kids can enjoy the movie in peace. If there aren't any available theaters, can't something be done to at least ensure that any disruption will be minimal? Can't they issue muzzles and leashes along with each child's ticket? Or have ushers constantly patrolling the theater, ready to toss people out at the first sign of trouble?
Or how about taking out the first few rows of seats and installing some sort of large soundproof Plexiglas pen? The kids can be stuffed in there during the movie. They can run around and shout and be smelly, to their hearts' content. Now, on the topic of air holes, I can understand the temptation to include them. But it would sort of defeat the purpose if noise were allowed to escape, wouldn't it? I think young children, with their little lungs, should be able to survive for a couple of hours in an airtight chamber. And if they can't...well, the great thing about kids is that they're easy to replace.
Also, just because I'm seeing one kids' movie doesn't mean I want to see previews for a bunch of other kids' movies. If I have to sit through a preview for Surf's Up (which couldn't look stupider), why the hell can't kids see a preview for, say, Hostel II?
I know this probably sounds like it'd be a lot of hassle to theater chains. But I'd point out that there is no such thing as brand loyalty when it comes to movie theaters. No one gives a shit whether they go to an AMC theater or a Regal theater. People just pick the closest one, or the one that has the most convenient showtime.
But for the visionary theater chain that enacts these measures I've suggested--which some would probably call "anti-child," but I prefer to think of as "pro-adult"--that could easily change.
6 comments:
those films will be in some kinda Cinema-Draughthouse theater next month. Of course then you have to watch with an audience full of potsmoking mailroom clerks.
This is the greatest idea ever.
Uh, you went to a kids' movie and hate the kids who also showed up???
Maybe you should lose the instant gratification thing, save whatever pittance you make on your day-job, buy a DVD player, and rent Shrek 3?
Whenever it becomes available...
Shrek 3 us this huge thing for you??
Jeez, this weekend I ran out to see, NOT friggin' Shrek, but Volver...
Ok, I ran out to Blockbuster, rented the damn disc, and enjoyed it beginning to end...
Smoked, drank, laughed...along with my also adult husband...NO KIDS ALLLOWED!!!
Hey, don't knock instant gratification.
And in a way, my suggestions would be doing the kids a favor, too. It's a tough world out there. The sooner they learn the world doesn't revolve around them, the better off they'll be.
I can't stand kids, either, but I do wanna tangle with you on one point you made: Dude, I'm all about theater brand loyalty, as are a lot of my friends. See, you can take anything you want into an AMC theater: your own drinks, your own candy, a huge bag of food from Five Guys, a pint of Ben & Jerry's. No questions asked, no fingers pointed toward trash cans. What an awesome policy -- and not because I don't ever buy theater food, because I do. But it's nice to be able to eat in the theater what I can't buy from it every once in a while. Not to mention the fact that AMC theater seating is invariably better than, say, Regal theater seating (by "seating" I mean the actual seats themselves).
Great. I just outed myself as the biggest nerd ever. Nice.
This blog just outed itself as the dumbest I've ever stumbled onto.
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