Comic of the Week: The Boys #6

The Boys #6
by Garth Ennis & Darick Robertson
Published by DC/Wildstorm ($2.99)

Synopsis:

Teenage Kix tries to teach the Boys a lesson, and promptly get their asses handed to them. Especially Blarney Cock, who's accidentally killed, and then gets the cliched superhero funeral, complete with costumed attendees and memorial statue. Meanwhile, the Seven continue to sweat, Starlite debuts her new, corporately mandated, sluttier costume, and Hughie finds a new pet in an interesting place (think Richard Gere).

Comments:

There are a lot of things you have to just accept on faith if you read superhero comics. That no one recognizes Superman whenever he puts a pair of glasses on. That death is typically about as permanent as a cold. Or that when people with super strength get into fights, they'll only get knocked around a bit, and the worst injuries they'll sustain are a few bruises or a dramatic trickle of blood from the corner of their mouths.

Not here. This is what a superpowered fight would likely end up being in real life. Teeth lost, thumbs torn off, faces disfigured, holes being punched in people's chests, and lots and lots of blood. Good stuff.

I wouldn't have thought Ennis (or anyone, for that matter) would have been able to get an ongoing series out of mostly just taking the piss out of superheroes, but so far, it's great. Probably the best new title of 2006.

Line of the Week:

"Now they're gonna have one of those fuckin' funerals."--Butcher

Overall grade: A

Black Christmas...

is not a great movie. But it did three things right that all horror films should pay attention to:

1) As soon as they realized they were in danger, instead of acting like idiots, the characters actually came up with a pretty decent plan to stay alive. The fact that it went to hell, and most of them died as a result, wasn't really their fault.

2) Didn't make it totally obvious who the survivor would be. Up until the moment she turned into a blood splatter, I had my money on the girl who dies in the car.

3) Made a big deal of introducing a potential weapon (in this case, a crystal unicorn's head), without it turning out to be the heroine's salvation in the climax. When it first appeared, I rolled my eyes, thinking for sure that the horn would be shoved through the killer's head at the end. So I was glad when that turned out to not be the case.

Glen Morgan obviously gets horror movies. Maybe one of these days, he'll get around to making a really good one.

Week seventeen NFL picks

6-10 last week (Ouch. Okay, I might have gotten a little cute with a few of my picks. If only Detroit had pulled it out...) ; 148-92 for the season

NY Giants at Washington: Washington
Cleveland at Houston: Houston
Detroit at Dallas: Dallas
New England at Tennessee: Tennessee
Seattle at Tampa Bay: Seattle
Pittsburgh at Cincinnati: Cincinnati
Oakland at NY Jets: New York
Carolina at New Orleans: Carolina
St. Louis at Minnesota: St. Louis
Jacksonville at Kansas City: Kansas City
Arizona at San Diego: San Diego
San Francisco at Denver: Denver
Atlanta at Philadelphia: Philadelphia
Miami at Indianapolis: Indianapolis
Buffalo at Baltimore: Baltimore
Green Bay at Chicago: Green Bay

Best and Worst of 2006: Movies

Best:

5) Superman Returns

Hardly a perfect movie by any means, but most of the casting works (not you, Kate Bosworth) and the plane crash is one of the best action sequences I've ever seen.

4) Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

God knows, Sacha Baron Cohen wore out his welcome doing publicity for the movie, but it's still funny as hell. The hotel room scene had the entire theater laughing so hard, they were gasping for breath.

3) Hostel

I hate speaking in absolutes when it comes to people's tastes in movies, but I can't help it here. There are two kinds of horror fans: the kind who dig Hostel, and the kind who just don't get it. Those who don't get it: lighten up. Sometimes, gore for gore's sake is fine.

2) Little Miss Sunshine

Steve Carell got most of the credit for this, but come on, look at what he had to work with. A gay, suicidal, manic depressive? Anyone could play that part. Greg Kinnear did much better job as the father barely managing to keep it together. I thought the kid was good, too, and I typically hate child actors.

1) Clerks II

This is the send-off the View Askewniverse deserved, but didn't get with Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. I honestly can't think of one thing wrong with this movie.


Worst:

5) Superman Returns

I know what you're thinking. "Wait, he's putting Superman Returns on both his best and worst list? Crazy!"

The simple fact is, if Bryan Singer had shown Superman even half the love he showed the X-Men, this would have been amazing instead of merely just okay. I mean, seriously, no one read the script and told him how fucking stupid Luthor's plan was? I won't even get into the kid...

4) The Omen

The original wasn't very good. The remake was even worse. Liev Schreiber deserves so much better than this. Julia Stiles, not so much.

3) The Da Vinci Code

I haven't read the book, so I kept waiting for some twist, some exciting moment, that would explain why this is one of the top ten best-selling books of all time. It never came. Dan Brown is the luckiest man in the world.

2) The Sentinel

I'm sure it sounded like a good idea. Kiefer Sutherland plays a troubled government agent. Just like on 24! Eva Longoria basically just stands around looking hot. Just like on Desperate Housewives! Let the sparks fly!

Only there are no sparks. The action sequences are lousy, the plot makes no sense, and Jack Bauer-lite spends the whole time moping over his ex-wife, so he never even gives Longoria a second glance, leaving her to be ogled by some other guy for the whole film. Lame.

1) Stay Alive

I would have been embarrassed just admitting I watched this on DVD or cable, so you can probably imagine how I feel having actually paid to see it in the theater.

There just aren't enough bad things to say about this movie. (But I'll try: the acting sucks, the plot is wildly inconsistent, and the people behind a movie about a video game apparently know nothing about video games.) But the worst is that after teasing us with the possibility for the whole film, Frankie Muniz doesn't die. What a fucking gyp.

Dan Snyder...learning?

The sale of Bonneville's classical WGMS to Redskins owner Dan Snyder's Red Zebra to relay the Triple X sports talker is basically in limbo. DCRTV reported just before Christmas that the original deal fell apart. Now, the word is that Snyder (right) is trying to get the rumored $45 million price reduced for the Waldorf 104.1 and Frederick 103.9 FM signals. Snyder "tried to get a lower price than they originally agreed to," we're told by a third-party source. (DCRTV)

Setting aside the ethics of trying to renegotiate a deal that's already been agreed to, this is actually kind of impressive. Could Dan Snyder actually be learning the value of a dollar? That just because he has the cash to spend, doesn't mean he necessarily has to?

If so, one can only imagine the positive ramifications this will have for the Redskins. No longer will third-rate talent command first-rate salaries. No longer will the Skins have a larger, more highly paid coaching staff than any other three NFL teams combined. No longer will Snyder have to gouge loyal fans in order to pay for the team's excessive spending, as whatever savings are gained from this newfound fiscal responsibility will surely be passed on to the consumer. Truly, we're entering a golden age.

Ha, ha, ha! No, just kidding. About all of it. The radio station thing is just an isolated incident. Dan Snyder will continue spending like a drunk sailor, and even if he discovered some weird tax loophole that allowed him to pass savings on to the fans without costing the team a cent, he still wouldn't do it. Because he's Dan Snyder. And he hates us. And that's why we love him.

Geekrage

The hell...?

Flames? Optimus Prime has flames in the Transformers movie? I mean, it's not nipples-on-the-Batsuit bad, but still...

Bite me, Michael Bay. Your admittedly cool trailer almost had me suckered, but you just couldn't escape your...your...Michael Bay-ness, could you?

The Cropp conspiracy

On Jan. 2, Linda Cropp will step down as D.C. City Council Chair after losing to Adrian Fenty in the race for mayor.

Cropp suffered the biggest defeat in city history by losing all 142 precincts in her bid for mayor. She says she lost because of biased coverage from the Washington Post. (WTOP)

Oh, come on. Linda Cropp lost because she's the least charismatic politician since Al Gore. (Al Gore, circa 2000, I mean. Not the current model, who seems like he's just one nervous breakdown away from hopping on board a Greenpeace boat to do a kamikaze run on an Exxon tanker.) And also because rightly or wrongly, people blame her for the city almost losing the Nationals. And because voters knew that as incredibly fucked up as DC is already, it would be exponentially more fucked up with Linda Cropp as mayor.

But on the off-chance that there really was a concentrated effort on the part of the Post to keep Linda Cropp from winning...well done, Washington Post. Well done.

Merry Christmas! (But first, Bah Humbug!)

Let's face it: the National Christmas Tree display sucks. Hard. It's been going downhill for a while now, but this year it's really bad.

I used to make a point of going to see the tree three or four times every Christmas. This year, I pretty much had to drag my ass there. I left after five minutes. I haven't been back. It just isn't the same experience it used to be.

How can we get a return to greatness? Here are a few ideas.

1) Bring back the pretzels

There used to be a snack bar set up next to the nativity scene, where you could buy a pretzel or hot chocolate or some other cheap foodstuff. Then one year, it just disappeared and hasn't been back since. Why? It really improved the atmosphere, and provided something to keep you warm while you sat there enjoying the musical performances. Plus, I'm pretty sure all the money went to charity.

I could be wrong, but I think 2001 may have been the first year without the snack bar. Please tell me this isn't a security thing.

2) Enough with the damn trains

Look, I like the trains. But it's the same set up every year. What about a little variety? A little imagination? Or maybe, instead of multiple train set-ups, they just go with one really big, really impressive one? Design one large village around the tree with one train going through it, instead of the four or five smaller ones they currently have.

3) More music

From the lighting of the tree to Dec. 23, it should be non-stop Christmas carols from 5 PM-8 PM (or later). No more of these gaps in the schedule. What, they can't find a few more school or church choirs, or American Idol wannabes? Also, why was there such little bleacher seating this year? It's not like they needed extra room for something else. Which brings us to...

4) Better use of space

Hey, you know what looks nice? The really large patch of dirt in the middle of the display.

How about we put something there next year? Like, say, a snack bar? Or something decorative and Christmasy. Maybe move the Yule Log there, instead of stuffing it in the corner? It really doesn't matter, just put up some sort of festive display (not more trains), so we're not left with that ugly, wide open space.

5) Jazz up the state trees

Why do all the individual state Christmas trees have to look the same? Each state designs the ornaments that hang from their respective tree, but come on, no one looks at the ornaments. And even if they do, they're so small, you can barely tell what's inside of them.

Ditch the uniformity, and let each state pick all the decorations. Let them really go nuts in how they want to design their trees. Make a competition of it. The state with the best tree gets a plaque. Or $100,000,000 in pork subsidies. Whatever.

Anyway, this is my last post before I head off for a few days, so Merry Christmas. Or, if you prefer, Happy Holidays. (In your face, Bill O'Reilly!)

And remember, be good, or Bat-Santa won't bring you any presents.

Week sixteen NFL picks

11-5 last week; 142-82 for the season

Minnesota at Green Bay: Green Bay
Kansas City at Oakland: Kansas City
Tampa Bay at Cleveland: Cleveland
Tennessee at Buffalo: Buffalo
Carolina at Atlanta: Atlanta
Washington at St. Louis: Washington
Baltimore at Pittsburgh: Pittsburgh
New Orleans at NY Giants: New Orleans
New England at Jacksonville: Jacksonville
Indianapolis at Houston: Indianapolis
Chicago at Detroit: Detroit
Arizona at San Francisco: San Francisco
San Diego at Seattle: San Diego
Cincinnati at Denver: Denver
Philadelphia at Dallas: Philadelphia
NY Jets at Miami: Miami

Picking over the carcass of Tower Records

In the past week, I've been to two Tower Records. I went to the one out in Tyson's on Saturday, and the one in Foggy Bottom yesterday. Yesterday was the final day for the Foggy Bottom store, and I guess the other ones in the area are also closed, or will be in the next couple of days.

Paul Farhi wrote a nice obiturary for Tower last week in the Post.

There will never be the same sense of wonder on iTunes, the same joy of discovery and intoxicating power of musical abundance that hit you every time you walked into even the dinkiest Tower or any comparable record store. There it lay before you -- unheard! unseen! unfondled! -- potential treasures beckoning from row upon row of wooden bins.

Eh. His memories are a lot more romantic than mine. I mean, in the 70s, I'm sure Tower and record stores in general were a great place to hang out. You'd go there, you'd search through stacks of albums for something new and different to listen to, and you'd hang out and talk to the clerks and other customers about the latest releases, and music in general. Perhaps while sharing a joint.

But all I associate with Tower (and Sam Goody, Kemp Mill, etc.) are blatant price gouging and indifferent employees. If it wasn't for Best Buy and the Internet, is there any doubt we'd still be paying $18 for CDs? This is why I'm not really all that sorry to see any of these place go under.

Anyway, if you've ever released an album, the best way you could gauge your current relevance was to go into Tower and see if your CD is still on the racks. Because if people aren't going to buy it when it's 90% off, you have a problem. (I'm looking at you, Kelly Osborne.) And if they're not even going to buy it when it's in the $.50 bin, you have a real problem. (Danzig. Richard Marx. Sorry, guys.)

As a fun experiment, I figured I'd take advantage of the rock bottom prices to try some stuff from singers/groups that I'd never heard of before, just to see if the chaff was worth anything, once all the wheat had been cleared out. I mean, with all that music, there had to some good stuff, right?

So between the two stores, for a grand total of about $13, here's what I bought:

12 $.50 CDs
2 CDs that were on the racks at 90% off ($1.59 and $1.79 after discount)
1 CD from the Used CD bin ($.50)
1 horrendously overpriced import ($2.99 after discount)

So, did I get a good deal, or even at $13 for 16 CDs, did I still overpay? I'll listen to them while I'm on vacation, and report my findings. I'm not overly optimistic, though.

Frickin' Brees, frickin' Bush, frickin' Redskins defense...

Well, so much for Team of Destiny.

The DC Universe got bounced out of the Fantasy Blogball playoffs. Partly because Peyton Manning picked this week to stop sucking, but mostly because Drew Brees and Reggie Bush picked this week to start.

Last week:

This week:

The fact that it was the Redskins who gave them such a beating didn't make me feel as good as one would think. In fact, it actually kind of hurt more. As a fantasy football player, you always tell yourself that if it comes down to choosing between your favorite team and your fantasy team, the favorite team will always win out. Then you find yourself watching the game, and feeling a lot more conflicted than you thought you would.

Am I glad that the Redskins won? Sure. But would it have killed them to win 56-49?

Anyway, cue the commercial they run during the Super Bowl, where all the NFL players start singing "Tomorrow," with the tag line, "Tomorrow, we're all undefeated again."

Things I learned from Bill O'Reilly today

Sometimes at work, I have to listen to Bill O'Reilly's radio show. Well, I say "have to," but I secretly kind of enjoy it, because like someone with a really bad case of Tourette's, you never know what'll come out of O'Reilly's mouth.

Today was one of those days, and thankfully, I got a double shot of O'Reilly goodness. The two topics were How Hollywood Liberals are Destroying America, and The War on Christmas. Both of which are, as anyone familiar with O'Reilly knows, two of his favorite hot button issues.

Unfortunately, not everyone gets the chance to listen to Bill O'Reilly, so I thought I'd provide a quick recap of today's important lessons.

1) Matt Damon is a smart guy who went to Harvard. But he'd never, ever debate Bill on his show, because he wouldn't know how to speak for himself without his Daily Kos talking points. He also doesn't know what the word "oppressed" means.

2) George Clooney is to be mocked for caring about Darfur. Stupid, stupid celebrity!!!

3) Bill is responsible for Rocky Balboa being made.

No, seriously. He's actually taking credit for Rocky Balboa.

4) Miss USA Tara Conner is just misunderstood. The mainstream media probably caught her sipping a cocktail or something one night, and made a mountain out of a molehill. Any rumors of cocaine use or lesbian frolicking with Miss Teen USA, are just unsubstantiated gossip.

5) Bill goes to ballgames with Donald Trump. He didn't use the phrase "BFF," but you could tell he wanted to.

6) The War on Christmas is over. Christmas won, and the secularists lost. So why is Bill still obsessing over this? No idea.

7) Best Buy is evil. Not because they have horrible customer service or shady business practices, but because they won't let their employees say, "Merry Christmas."

Good stuff. At one point during the show, Bill said that he knows there's a God, because everyone is born with some sort of talent. Me? I know there's a God because Bill O'Reilly is on the radio.

Oh, as an added bonus, if you want a surefire way to get Bill to give you free shit, here's the way to go about it, based on what I heard today. Choose at least one, but no more than two selections from each category.

Call up, say what a big fan you are, and proceed to tell him that you're a conservative/religious/pro-war person, and are constantly surrounded by friends/family/coworkers who are liberals/atheists/hippies who hate George Bush/Bill O'Reilly/God, and you just can't believe how ignorant they are. Bill will immediately congratulate you on your bravery, and tell his producer to give you a signed copy of his book. Because if there's one thing Bill O'Reilly loves almost as much as himself, it's a martyr (well, conservative ones, anyway).

The horribly misplaced priorities of today's youth

Children under 10 think being a celebrity is the "very best thing in the world" but do not think quite as much of God, a survey has revealed.

The poll of just under 1,500 youngsters ranked "God" as their tenth favourite thing in the world, with celebrity, "good looks" and being rich at one, two and three respectively.
...

Here is a sample of some of the survey's results: What do you think is the very best thing in the world?

1. Being a Celebrity 2. Good Looks 3. Being Rich 4. Being Healthy 5. Pop Music 6. Families 7. Friends 8. Nice Food 9. Watching Films 10. Heaven/God (Daily Mail)

Wow. That's surprising. That's really, really shocking. If children today really place that much importance in something as empty and shallow as fame, we should all be extremely worried.

I mean, if anything, being rich should be ranked first. It's not even close. Good looks are nice, but they fade, and when you're old and wrinkled, all you'll have left are photos and memories of better times. I also imagine that you probably spend a lot of time staring wistfully at younger good looking people, and sighing quite a bit. But money? Money will still be there for you. Money doesn't care how old you are or what you look like. It loves you all the same. Not to mention, as you get older, you tend to require money to maintain your looks. So being rich is clearly the superior choice.

And celebrity? Who wants celebrity? Maybe in the old days, when celebrities got all the benefits of being famous, but only had to deal with a handful of disreputable tabloids and obsessed fans. But now, being a celebrity means having embarrassing photos plastered all over the Internet, or being stalked by some maniac, or ending up on that website that lists famous people who have herpes. Who needs it?

It is somewhat encouraging to see that kids recognize that pop music is more important than family and friends. I don't know how many times I've had to sacrifice my pop music listening time because of some other obligation. And if there were a fire, and I had to choose between saving my family or Justin Timberlake, I like to think I'd do the right thing and save Justin Timberlake.

I'm pretty sure we can all agree that God is less important than money, movies, good looks, celebrity, pop music, or food.

So really, this is the list as it should be:

1. Being rich, 2. Being healthy, 3. Good looks, 4. Watching films, 5. Nice food, 6. Pop music, 7. Family, 8. Friends, 9. Being a celebrity, 10. Heaven/God.

Oh, wait. They don't even mention TV. Or football. Okay, here's the revised list:

1. Being rich, 2. Being healthy, 3. Good looks, 4. Watching films, 5. TV, 6. Football, 7. Nice food, 8. Pop music, 9. Family, 10. Friends.

There we go. Much better.

Comic of the Week: Green Arrow #69

Green Arrow #69
by Judd Winick & Scott McDaniel
Published by DC Comics ($2.99)

Synopsis

Bruce Wayne's in town, Deathstroke is plotting revenge in prison, and the Red Hood shows up to help Brick out of a business deal gone awry.

Comments

I've always liked Green Arrow (both of them), and I really enjoyed Kevin Smith's and Brad Meltzer's runs on the current series. Then Winick took over the writing duties, and my enjoyment stopped. That was about four years ago, and as countless other writers on other books have come and gone in that period, like a bad party guest, Winick just...won't...leave.

For what it's worth, I don't think Winick's a terrible writer. Far from it. Pedro and Me was fantastic, and The Adventures of Barry Ween is one of the best comics I've ever read. It's only when he does superhero stuff that my eyes start to glaze over. Aside from producing fairly dull stuff, I'm not really a fan of his tendency to force social issues like homosexuality and AIDS into his stories. That's not to say that superhero comics shouldn't tackle such topics, but when it's the same guy doing it over and over, it gets old. Also, I'm not sure if it was his idea to bring back Jason Todd (biggest mistake DC's ever made), but he's the one who wrote the story, so he gets the blame.

So why did I buy this issue? The same reason I'll be buying the next few issues: Scott McDaniel. One of my favorite artists in general, I particularly love his Batman. Remember Larry Hama's absolutely horrendous Batman run a few years back? The one that gave us Orca? The one that had Batman getting shot in the head at point blank range, and shaking it off because he had "armor plating" in his cowl? It was readable only because of McDaniel's artwork. Great, great stuff. Hell, even All-Star Batman and Robin, arguably one of the worst comics ever published, would be good if McDaniel were--well...no, I guess not. Not even McDaniel is that good. But DC really needs to put him back on a regular, non-Frank Miller Bat-book, ASAP.

Line of the Week:

"I want lots of things. I usually get them. But it's not just because, y'know, I can kill people really easily...it's because I'm a businessman."--Brick

Overall grade: C

Geekgasm

Live Free or Die Hard teaser.

Week fifteen NFL picks

8-8 last week; 131-77 for the season

San Francisco at Seattle: Seattle
Dallas at Atlanta: Dallas
Tampa Bay at Chicago: Chicago
Pittsburgh at Carolina: Pittsburgh
Miami at Buffalo: Buffalo
Jacksonville at Tennessee: Tennessee
Cleveland at Baltimore: Baltimore
Washington at New Orleans: Washington
Houston at New England: New England
NY Jets at Minnesota: Minnesota
Detroit at Green Bay: Green Bay
Denver at Arizona: Arizona
St. Louis at Oakland: St. Louis
Philadelphia at NY Giants: New York
Kansas City at San Diego: Kansas City
Cincinnati at Indianapolis: Indianapolis

Fair increases?

Like a lot of people, when I first heard Metro was raising fares, I was annoyed. Then, briefly, I reconsidered. Hey, times are tough, and if DC, Maryland, and Virginia won't step up and increase their subsidies, the money has to come from somewhere.

Then I read some of the proposed ideas, and just got annoyed again.

Increasing fares is one thing. Holding riders upside down by their ankles and shaking the money out of their pockets is another.

Agency officials hope that the fare proposals will encourage more people to ride less-crowded, off-peak trains, said Jack Requa, Metro's acting general manager.

This is just retarded. People don't ride Metro during the peak hours because they enjoy waking up early or being pressed up against a total stranger or because there's just something magical about the eight o'clock hour.

They ride then because that's when people need to get to work. Would it be nice if they could go to their employers and say, "Hey, Metro wants fewer riders during rush hour, so I'm going to start coming into work an hour late. Is that cool?" Sure. But they can't. Penalizing people for having to get to work by 9 or 9:30, or wanting to leave on time at 5, is stupid. If they actually implement this horrible, horrible idea, I demand that during peak hours, Metro stop allowing its employees to ride for free. If we have to suffer, so should they.

As part of the proposal, Metro staff members will recommend increasing daily parking fees at its lots by 75 cents and bus fares, for those paying cash, by 75 cents. Bus fares would remain unchanged for riders who use SmarTrip and weekly passes.

This one, I'm more or less fine with. Why park at Metro stations in the first place? Just take the bus. It's cheaper, and it gets more cars off the road. And there's nothing more annoying than standing behind someone who's counting out a lot of change or trying to force a wrinkled dollar bill into the slot, when you just have your SmarTrip card ready to go.

Additionally, all rush-hour rail riders who pass through one of 19 downtown stations where crowding is most severe would pay a 35-cent surcharge.

Another bad idea. 19 downtown stations? I mean, I could maybe...maybe...see them applying a surcharge for the busiest few. Metro Center, Gallery Place, etc. If nothing else, this might encourage a few people to travel to the next, less busy, no-surcharging station, and walk a little further to their destination. Because frankly, a lot of people could use the exercise.

But 19 stations? Come on. You can't declare all of downtown to be a high crowding area. At least, not with a straight face.

Under the proposal, the current maximum rush-hour fare of $3.90 would increase to $4.75 for SmarTrip users and $6 for paper farecard users.

When did Metro become such a fucking petulant, passive aggressive child?

Yes, we get it. Metro would rather we use SmarTrip cards. And rightly so. But punishing people for continuing to use the paper farecards seems a bit much. And while it's extremely rare for this blog to stick up for tourists, it's going to suck for them when they get hosed simply because they don't want to waste their money on SmarTrip cards, which become worthless coasters once they leave DC.

Anyway. Congratulations to Metro. Once again, you've dealt with adversity by passing it on to your riders. Well done.

Fantasy Blogball playoffs

My condemnation of Reggie Bush a couple of days ago might have been a bit premature. At least in regards to one of the leagues I drafted him in.

Due to a series of highly improbable events (winning my last regular season game with an absolutely huge number of points, and both people ahead of me in the rankings by one game losing, thus tying my record, where I advanced by having more points overall), I squeaked into the playoffs of the Fantasy Blogball League, a league made up of DC bloggers.

Not bad for a team that started off 0-4, and once boasted Ben Roethlisberger and Drew Bledsoe as its QBs, before a fortuitous trade put Drew Brees in a DC Universe jersey.

Anyway, the odds are still against me. This is my team:

QB: Drew Brees
RB: Frank Gore
RB: Reggie Bush
WR: Tory Holt
WR: Reggie Brown
WR: Chris Henry
TE: Tony Gonzalez
K: Robbie Gould
DEF: Miami

And this is the Land Sharks, who I'm playing in the first round:

QB: Peyton Manning
RB: Willie Parker
RB: Kevin Jones
WR: Deion Branch
WR: Larry Fitzgerald
WR: Marty Booker
TE: Antonio Gates
K: John Carney
DEF: Minnesota

So I'm clearly in for a fight. In fact, Land Sharks was the team I beat last week, which in itself was a minor miracle, since they also scored a shitload of points, and would have handily beaten any other team in the league.

But you know what? My amazing rise from mediocrity to the playoffs has me feeling a serious "team of destiny" vibe. So, much like Joe Namath, I am now going to...wait for it...GUARANTEE VICTORY.

You heard me. Victory is guaranteed. Call your bookies, people, and bet big. I'm going to make you all rich.

How do you solve a problem like Gibbs?

Simply put, there's no reason to think Gibbs can right this ship. (Express)

Sad, but true. It wasn't that long ago that I figured Gibbs was completely bulletproof in this town. That even if the Skins went 0-16, there would still be enough Gibbs fans (or apologists, depending on your point of view), that there'd be no way Snyder could fire him and not be absolutely crucified among fans and the local media.

Now, I'm not so sure. Will Snyder fire him? No. Should he? Hmmmm...

I guess I'll say no to that as well, but...and God help me, I can't believe I'm actually taking the side of Dan Snyder, here...at 4-9, the man has a right to ask a few questions of the guy who he's paying millions of dollars to basically just stand on the sidelines, looking grim. First and foremost being, "Hey, Joe, how about you take a more hands-on role next season, instead of delegating everything to assistants?"

Because something needs to change. If anything, the second half of the season is shaping up to be even uglier than the first. There was that ESPN article, Michael Wilbon is openly wondering whether the team should get rid of Portis, and while Campbell may show signs of promise, you can't help compare him to guys like Vince Young, Tony Romo, and Matt Leinart, and maybe feel a little disappointed.

In addition, when you consider the coaches that are likely going to be available this off-season or next--Jim Mora, Bill Cower, Jon Gruden, and possibly even Lovie Smith, if Chicago doesn't step up big time--one has to wonder if it's worth keeping both Gibbs and his heirs apparent, when the Redskins could grab someone better. (Or if not better, at least someone with a better understanding of the modern day NFL.)

In a perfect world, Gibbs would have come in, whipped everyone into shape, and made the team a perennial playoff contender, if not Super Bowl winner. That obviously hasn't happened. The question now is, does everyone just keep smiling and nodding at Gibbs, giving him a free pass because of his past glory, or do we agree that this was a noble experiment that just didn't work out, and the team arranges for a graceful exit for Gibbs by having him retire, but stay on as a "consultant" or something?

Increasingly, I'm in favor of the latter.

Screw Reggie Bush

Now he gets good? With the fantasy football season almost over, and with me out of playoff contention in the two leagues in which I drafted him (including one completely wasted first round pick), now he gets good?!?!

The dude slacked all season long. I mean, if I played in pussy leagues where you get points per reception, he would have been great. But I don't, and now, in the last two games, he gets a combined five touchdowns and over 250 receiving yards?

Life's not fair. Fantasy football, doubly so.

Comic of the Week: Justice Society of America #1

Justice Society of America #1
by Geoff Johns and Dale Eaglesham
Published by DC Comics ($3.99)

Synopsis:

It seems like every team in the DCU is busy recruiting new members, and the JSA is no exception, as they basically go after every legacy hero out there. (Except for Mr. America, but that's okay, because he finds them. Sort of.)

Comments:

I've never been a big Geoff Johns fan. Partly because I don't really dig his writing, and partly because it seems like over the past couple of years, he's gotten far more influence over the DCU than any one writer probably should. But I have to admit, he really knocks it out of the park with this issue.

These days, it's hard to find distinctive new characters in comics. It seems like they're either just bland in general, or else obvious rip-offs of already established characters. Somehow, though, Johns manages to come up with a few good ones. Especially the new Starman. Who would have thought a schizophrenic, non sequitur-spouting superhero would be so much fun to read?

Of course, this issue is all set-up, which isn't that difficult to pull off. The real test will be if Johns can keep it up over the next several issues, although, the one page preview at the end looks fairly promising. If he can, between this and Teen Titans, which I'm also enjoying a lot more than I have in the past, I may have to finally jump on board the Johns bandwagon.

Line of the Week:

"There's a star on Thanagar. I dreamt about it. Ha! 52!"--Starman

Overall grade: B+

Looks like The Hideout's hiding out for a while longer

Michelle Jerson (right), formerly of Howard Stern's news team on Sirius Satellite Radio, is teaming up with Michael Checkoway, formerly of an Atlanta radio station, to do a week's worth of "test shows" from 12/11 to 12/15 in the 8 PM to 10 PM slot on WJFK-FM. The show, which will be called "Unzipped... Hear What Men And Women Really Want," will feature relationship and sex topics. (DCRTV)

Fuck that. (No pun intended.) Stop this "test show" bullshit and put The Hideout back on. They kicked ass this past week, and besides, doesn't JFK already air Loveline at 11? Does the station--a station primarily targeted at men 18-49, mind you--really want to air two shows in a row about relationships?

WJFK has made two mistakes over the past couple of years. The first (and the biggest) was not holding onto Ron and Fez. These guys do a show that's unlike anything else on radio, and losing them to XM was a huge blow. Admittedly, I'm not sure if anything could have kept them in DC, given how badly they seemed to want to go back to New York, but there didn't seem to have been much of an effort made.

The second mistake was letting The Hideout slip away. Yeah, JFK had to reshuffle things due to HFS switching formats, but if they'd wanted to, you have to figure they could have worked something out. How many stations does Infinity own in this market? There wasn't one time slot available?

In any case, WJFK now has the opportunity to rectify one of those mistakes. Will they take it? Probably not. It would just make too much sense, and JFK hasn't made sense in years.

I will say this, though. The Hideout without Chunks and Bateman wasn't the same show at all. I suppose half-a-Hideout would be preferable to no Hideout at all, but they really need to find the money to bring them along, wherever it is they end up. That Shafee guy who just joined the show wasn't bad, but if Jefe really thinks that he's worth giving up the other guys, he's showing some incredibly poor judgment.

Stallone's right, everyone sucks

Hollywood hardman Sylvester Stallone has blamed the 1989 movie 'Batman' for the current generation of weak super hero actors.

...
"I think the evolution has been startling. I believe the culprit in the transformation of action films can be traced to Batman starring Michael Keaton. By that I mean, when an individual can step into a latex suit bulging with muscles and Velcro himself into an action star body we knew the times they were a-changing. (Daily India)

I was all ready to write a post calling Stallone an idiot, and maybe a little bitter about how time has passed him by, and say that if anything helped kill the action genre, he did, with shit like Demolition Man. But now that I think about it, he sort of has a point.

Are there any good action stars left these days? Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, Kurt Russell, Jackie Chan, and Harrison Ford are too old. Chuck Norris was okay, but besides also being too old, he never really rose above B-level flicks like Invasion USA and Hero and the Terror to the point where you could really call him a "star." And Jet Li has supposedly retired.

Honestly, the Rock is the only person I can think of who can legitimately be called an action star these days. (Interesting aside: a few months ago, I realized that I didn't really have a favorite actor. So I stopped and thought about it, and realized that if I were basing my choice on how often I went to go see a film from a particular actor in theaters, as opposed to waiting for Netflix or cable or just skipping it altogether, the Rock was my favorite actor. A sobering moment in my life.)

Anyway, who else is there?

Vin Diesel? Not bad, but after showing some initial promise with Pitch Black and The Fast and the Furious, he's picked some really bad films. And he did the self-parody movie (The Pacifier ) way too early in his career.

Paul Walker? Ben Affleck? Tom Cruise? Brad Pitt? God, no.

Christian Bale? Daniel Craig? Great in their respective action film franchises, but good enough to be called action stars in general? Not really.

Matt Damon? Awesome in the Bourne films, but he'll always be Will Hunting, and Will Hunting ain't no action hero.

So...yeah. Sylvester Stallone. Smart man. By way of mea culpa, I might go out and see the new Rocky movie, even though I don't really want to. (And I don't care what anyone says, the best Rocky film was the one with the Russian.)

Guest blogger Dan Snyder

Hello, all. A couple of weeks ago in Italy, I ran into Scotus at the wedding of my good friend and business partner Tom Cruise (maybe you've heard of him?), and he was gracious enough to offer me this forum to share some thoughts on the current season with all you Redskins fans out there.

Look, let's not beat around the bush. We've been horrible this season. In fact, horrible doesn't even begin to cover it. The team blows harder than a Rhode Island Avenue hooker trying to score crack money.

Of course, no one saw this coming. Going into the season, we were the presumptive favorites to win the NFC East, and go to the Super Bowl. For a variety of reasons, that hasn't happened, and we'll have to win the rest of our games just to make it to .500.

Some people blame the coaches for this. Some people blame the players. Apparently, some people even blame me. But I think we all know who's really to blame.

You.

That's right. You. The fans and the media.

You think I don't see the articles, where you incessantly criticize the team? Criticize me? You think I don't hear the boos at home games? You think my people aren't monitoring your blogs, message boards, and yes, even your email?

Did it ever occur to any of you that all the negativity you're putting out there is what's causing the team to fail? That every time you say, "Bench Brunell" or "Fire Al Saunders" or "Dan Snyder sucks," all you're doing is spreading harmful, negative energy? (Especially when you say "Dan Snyder sucks.") And don't think for a second that negative energy doesn't affect the team, whether it manifests itself as an interception, penalty, injury, or whatever.

You want a better team? It's simple. Shut up. Just smile, and keep buying lots of Redskins merchandise (sales are down 17% from last year, so you have a lot of ground to make up). But mostly, just keep your mouths shut, unless it's to say something positive. Is that too much to ask?

So, we've come to an understanding, yes? Good. In appreciation for your cooperation in this matter, here's an exclusive sneak preview of you can expect next season:

- Once again, legendary play caller Joe Gibbs will not be calling plays for some reason, leaving that to Gregg Williams, Al Saunders, and for all I know, the cheerleaders. I'm actually not entirely certain what it is that Gibbs does these days. Sometimes, I think about how much I'm spending on coaches and cry.

- Portis. Moss. Cooley. Taylor. You know them, you love them, they're our best players.

Well, at least three of them won't be on the team next season. Sorry, but as you probably know, we've been really big on making trades over the past couple of years, and, well...we've already given away all of our draft picks. So in order to have a productive off-season, our only option is to start dealing players.

I actually had my attorneys look into the possibility of trading some of the people who work at FedEx Field to teams whose stadiums need extra ticket takers, food vendors, etc. Say, fifty of them for a halfway decent linebacker. But unfortunately, I'm told that trafficking in human beings who haven't signed contracts that allow you to do so, is considered slavery. I obviously disagree, but I don't make the laws in this country. Yet.

- Regardless of how well he plays the rest of the year, Jason Campbell will once again be returning to the bench. Gibbs remains high on Brunell, and thinks that after an extended break, he'll be ready to return as the starting quarterback next year. And the year after that.

Of course, that's assuming that we can't upgrade at the position during the off-season. Other teams can keep their young (i.e., inexperienced and therefore, completely useless) quarterbacks like Phillip Rivers or Tony Romo. Coach Gibbs is only interested in veterans. Players like Kerry Collins, Vinny Testaverde, and Drew Bledsoe, all of whom should be available. And who wouldn't want to see Brad Johnson or Jeff George back in a Redskins uniform?

Well, fans, I hope you've all enjoyed this mercifully brief interaction as much as I have. Just remember the three "S"s we discussed: Smile, Spend, and Silence.

Thank you, and go Redskins!

Daniel K. Snyder (Mr. Snyder, to you)

Week fourteen NFL picks

9-7 last week; 123-69 for the season

Cleveland at Pittsburgh: Pittsburgh
Minnesota at Detroit: Detroit
Oakland at Cincinnati: Cincinnati
NY Giants at Carolina: New York
Philadelphia at Washington: Washington
Atlanta at Tampa Bay: Atlanta
Baltimore at Kansas City: Kansas City
New England at Miami: Miami
Indianapolis at Jacksonville: Indianapolis
Tennessee at Houston: Tennessee
Green Bay at San Francisco: San Francisco
Seattle at Arizona: Seattle
Denver at San Diego: San Diego
Buffalo at NY Jets: New York
New Orleans at Dallas: New Orleans
Chicago at St. Louis: Chicago

Worst boss ever

Taking design inspiration from New York City Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg, Fenty is having walls knocked down beginning this week in the John A. Wilson Building to build a large work space dubbed the "bullpen."

Instead of the isolated mayoral suite that current Mayor Anthony A. Williams occupies, Fenty will sit at the center of a room meant to resemble a Wall Street trading floor, surrounded by his aides and agency heads.

Fenty said he intends to foster increased openness and accountability by sitting among his deputies. (Examiner)

I predict that within a year, over half the people who start out in the Fenty administration will no longer be there. I mean, I'm all for government accountability and all, but who on Earth wants to be treated like that?

It's bad enough that Fenty apparently expects every waking moment to be spent inside the Wilson Building. But to deny his people the simple pleasures of Minesweeper? Or setting fantasy football rosters? Or keeping an eye on their Ebay watchlists? Or blogging?

How much do you want to bet that throughout the day, Fenty will very quietly walk up and down the aisles, checking out what his people are up to? Maybe casually ask, "Hey, there. What are you working on?" if it isn't immediately obvious that they're doing work, instead of goofing off. And then, if the person can't come up for a good reason why they need to have TMZ.com open for whatever they're supposed to be working on, Fenty will make a call, security will show up, and the slacker in question will quickly find himself thrown to the curb.

This little experiment in management is going to end in one of two ways. Either DC will have the most efficient government of any city in the world, or else they're eventually going to find Fenty at his desk with a letter opener sticking out of his back, and 33 people who didn't see a thing.

Comic of the Week: Zombies vs. Robots #1

Zombies vs. Robots #1
"Ghost in the Machines" by Chris Ryall & Ashley Wood
Published by IDW ($3.99)

Synopsis:

In the future, a plague has turned everyone on Earth into flesh-eating zombies. Robots that used to serve humanity band together to protect the last living human being, an infant girl, in the hopes that they can use her to restart the human race. The zombies, on the other hand, just want to use her for food.

Comments:

First, I think we can all agree that Zombies vs. Robots is the best title of anything in the history of the world. The question is, does the finished product live up to it, or like Snakes on a Plane, does it turn out that 90% of the entertainment value is in the title? Fortunately, it's the former.

One might wonder how anyone can get a good story out of this concept. After all, what possible threat can zombies pose to robots? And at first, the answer would seem to be, "Not much." At one point, a pack of zombies try unsuccessfully to attack a robot, who then proceeds to literally rip them all to pieces. But at the end, there's a nifty twist that should level the playing field a bit for the concluding issue.

Admittedly, I'm a sucker for any zombie movie, book, or comic. Even bad ones usually have at least one or two cool moments. Zombies vs. Robots has considerably more than just a couple, and is a must-read for any zombie (or robot) fan.

Line of the Week:

"It makes these noises because that's what humans do. That's why I don't miss them."--Scibot-17

Overall grade: A

Turistas

The fact that Turistas is a blatant Hostel rip-off isn't, in and of itself, a bad thing. After all, Hostel was a great movie, and if you're going to steal, steal from the best. But unfortunately, the producers could only manage a third-rate Hostel rip-off, if that.

There were a lot of things wrong with the film, but I'll focus on the top two.

First, in a movie about tourists who fall victim to organ harvesters, a grand total of one person actually loses her organs. Three other characters get shot, one falls off a cliff, one gets hacked to death with a machete, and three survive. What a complete betrayal of the film's premise. It's like having a Nightmare on Elm Street film where one character gets killed by Freddy, and everyone else dies of unrelated causes.

Maybe the producers thought that having more than one person get sliced open would be redundant. If so, they couldn't have been more wrong, especially since (relatively speaking) the slicing was the high point of the film. Not just because of the blood and guts, either. The bad guy, speaking to the unlucky--and still conscious--donor even as he's removing her kidneys and liver, actually presents a pretty interesting rationalization for his actions. But when in doubt, horror films should always go with more gore. Especially the ones that need to distract from an otherwise lousy script.

Second, there was just no sense of fun. One of the great things about Hostel is that it completely embraced its absurdity, especially in the last fifteen minutes. Turistas, on the other hand, seemed to keep striving for plausibility. And there's nothing worse than a horror film that takes itself too seriously.

Fangoria used to have a feature called "It's Not a Horror Movie!" where they'd run quotes from directors or producers about why their horror films weren't really horror films, but actually an action movie or a psychological thriller or whatever. If the people behind Turistas haven't said something along those lines, I'd be surprised.

At most, this is a five minute Netflix rental. Pop the DVD in, fast forward to the surgery scene, then put it right back into the envelope, having seen everything worth seeing. And then hope they can get it right with Turistas 2, which, if recent history is any indication, should be out just about a year from now.