Week thirteen NFL picks

13-3 last week; 114-62 for the season

Baltimore at Cincinnati: Baltimore
Detroit at New England: New England
San Diego at Buffalo: San Diego
Atlanta at Washington: Washington
Indianapolis at Tennessee: Tennessee
Arizona at St. Louis: Arizona
San Francisco at New Orleans: New Orleans
NY Jets at Green Bay: Green Bay
Kansas City at Cleveland: Kansas City
Minnesota at Chicago: Chicago
Houston at Oakland: Oakland
Jacksonville at Miami: Miami
Tampa Bay at Pittsburgh: Pittsburgh
Dallas at NY Giants: Dallas
Seattle at Denver: Denver
Carolina at Philadelphia: Philadelphia

Vincent Orange: Man of the People

D.C. Council members fought off criticism yesterday that they do not deserve a pay raise as well as a charge that they had tried to slip approval of the legislation through without public scrutiny.

...
During the hearing, outgoing council member Vincent B. Orange Sr. (D-Ward 5) said he has struggled to support his family, with three children, on his $92,530 annual salary. (Washington Post)

Well, his wife works for the school system. So that's an extra $30,000-$50,000 right there.

But still, I think his point stands. The idea of a family of five trying to live in DC on a combined annual income of at least $120,000 is absolute madness. One can only imagine the squalor they must experience on a daily basis.

Just picture them, all cramped together in some tiny two bedroom apartment in Ward 5; the parents sleeping in one room, all three kids sharing a bed in the other. No heat, save for whatever they can find to burn in the trash can in their living room. Maybe the toilet will work, maybe it won't. It's a day-to-day thing. And don't even get me started on the rats. Huge. And hungry.

And this is assuming they can even afford housing. Has anyone checked to make sure they're not just living out of their car?

$120,000, people. And just so I'm being clear, we're not talking about $120,000 a month. I mean, if that were the case, he'd be crazy to complain. In fact, I'd go so far as to call him an incredible asshole, since there are people in this city, people who he works for, who don't make anywhere close to that much.

But no, we're talking about $120,000 a year. As other area residents like George Bush, Steve Case, and Dan Snyder ride around in their limousines, and go to great parties, and jet off to Rome for Tom Cruise's wedding on a regular basis, Vincent Orange is simply trying to get by. If his life were a 70s black sitcom, it would be Good Times, not The Jeffersons.

So, I'm begging you. Give the council members the raises they're asking for. Not because they deserve it (although, how can you argue they don't, given the fine work they do, and all they've accomplished?). But because it would simply be inhuman not to.

I still love you, Ron Mexico

You know, when fans are polite enough to ignore some of the more embarrassing exploits in your personal life--like, say, a woman suing you for giving her genital herpes, and using a ridiculous (albeit, sort of cool) alias to seek treatment for said herpes--it's probably best not to give them a reason to stop being polite. Life's about to get uncomfortable for Michael Vick. (Well, you know, even more uncomfortable than it already was. 'Cause of the herpes and all.)

I wonder if the NFL is reconsidering the decision to prevent people from ordering custom Falcons jerseys with "Mexico" on the back. They'd make a fortune over the next week.

Comic of the Week: 52 #29

52 #29
"Name Calling" by Geoff Johns, Grant Morrison, Greg Rucka, Mark Waid and Keith Giffen
Published by DC Comics ($2.50)

Synopsis:

The JSA confronts Luthor's Infinity Inc. team (and the ugly problem of ageism) in the middle of the Thanksgiving Day Parade, the assembled mad scientists enjoy a turkey dinner, and Egg Fu proves why he's the best thing to happen to the DCU in like...forever.

Comments:

So much good stuff in this issue.

The featured characters in 52 tend to get a little stale week in, week out, so it's always refreshing when they mix in other characters, like the Teen Titans, the third-string JLA, or the JSA in this issue.

The idea of Luthor buying the rights to Infinity Inc. was a stroke of genius, and I really liked the confrontation between Nuklon and Alan Scott. The whole "new guard vs. old guard" bit was a main theme of Kingdom Come, but it wasn't until this issue that I realized that we never really got the new guard's point of view in that series. So it's good to see the idea revisited and and expanded on.

As far as I'm concerned, the mad scientist Thanksgiving dinner is the highlight of the series so far. And as for Egg Fu, what can I say? He'll probably wear out his welcome sooner or later, but for now, he's just awesome.

Line of the week:

"'Slowly' implies progress, however small. You have done nothing, Mister American Super-Genius!"--Egg Fu

Overall grade: A+

My Black Friday

I'm not one of those idiots who heads out at midnight to stand in line at Best Buy for five hours, but I am one of those idiots who heads out at 4:30 AM to stand in line at Best Buy for ten minutes.

Obviously, this isn't going to get me any of the big sale items that are advertised, like the $100 laptop or $10 DVD player or whatever. But that's fine. I usually don't go in with the idea of getting some smaller item, either. I just like watching the chaos as everyone around me goes nuts. Having said that, I do usually end up picking up a few things, and this was probably my biggest Black Friday ever:


Best Buy:

I got to the Potomac Yard Best Buy about ten minutes before the store opened. I was expecting a big crowd, but...geez. There were at least 1,000 people there, but the actual number was probably closer to 1,500. (If you're familiar with Potomac Yard, to give you an idea, the line stretched all the way from the entrance of Best Buy to the entrance of Target.)

The line seemed like a fairly upbeat, friendly bunch. No pushing, no one stressing out about not getting their desired product. It was probably pretty laid back up in front, too, as WJLA was there filming everything.

When the doors opened and I got inside, things were far more hectic. People pushing and shoving, people trying to maneuver their large carts full of crap, not really caring if they ran over others, and people grabbing handfuls of DVDs, seemingly without even glancing at the titles. They just knew that if they cost $2.99, they wanted them. I heard two teens behind me talking about how they had to move fast if they wanted a Wii. I don't know if this Best Buy even had any this morning, but if they did, I'm sure they were cleaned out long before those dumbasses got into the store.

Predictably, the Best Buy employees were horrible. They'd start shouting out instructions to customers, but because of all the noise and their poor diction, it all came out as unintelligible gibberish. Two guys over by TVs were having a grand old time, treating the whole thing like an auction. "We have two more plasmas over here, folks! Going once, going twice...gone!" At one point, one girl who worked their started shouting, "Call 911! Call 911! Someone's hurt!" For about two seconds, everyone froze in concern. They then realized they still had shopping to do and went back to it. I never found out what the emergency was.

I ended up getting four PS2 games. If I'd simply grabbed them and left, I would have been out by 5:10. But because I treated the whole thing like a sociology experiment and did a lot of wandering around, I ended up having to wait in line for a good twenty minutes.

Purchases:
- Superman Returns: $19.99
- Blitz: The League: $9.99
- Gun: $4.99
- Mortal Kombat Deception: $4.99


Target:

I got out of Best Buy just as Target was opening. I didn't really want anything there, but the line wasn't that long. So I figured, what the hell.

About 95% of the people in line rushed for the electronics department. There were dozens of people surrounding the counter, shouting at the two poor employees behind it. I tried to find an ad circular that listed what was for sale, but there weren't any around. So I just left.

Purchases:
None


Sports Authority:

I wasn't planning on going in here, either. When I drove by on my way out of the shopping center, I couldn't even tell if it was open, because there were so few people inside. I had to do another drive-by to confirm they were.

Here, I actually found a really good deal: 30% off of all pro sports merchandise. I'd been meaning to get a Portis jersey for a while now, but the $60 price tag had always made me cringe. The reduced price worked for me, though.

Purchases:
- Portis jersey: $38.50


Circuit City:

I drove over to Bailey's Crossroads, where the closest Circuit City was. Total madhouse. Even worse than Best Buy. It actually had fewer people, but the store and parking lot were considerably smaller, so it seemed like more. It was one of those situations where there were about 10-15 cars driving around, looking for parking spaces that didn't exist. I just parked in the adjacent shopping center and walked over.

Circuit City does a weird thing where they set up locations throughout the store where people can pay for their stuff, instead of having just one really long line by the registers. On one hand, this probably makes things go faster. On the other, it makes it difficult to navigate the store, as you're constantly running into lines of people.

I was in there for all of five minutes before I left.

Purchases:
None


The Gap:

I really don't like the Gap. And even though I'm pretty sure I've told my family this on numerous occasions, they still give me Gap gift cards every Christmas. So I've had five of them just sitting in a drawer, collecting dust. But because of the likelihood of sales, and DC being tax free for the next week, I figured I'd go ahead and get rid of them.

I have to give The Gap credit, though. They actually had a really good deal: 30% off purchases of $50 or more. So I went nuts (well, nuts for someone who hates buying clothes, anyway). The good news is, after a fair amount of searching, I found some stuff I liked. The bad news is, I still have three gift cards left, so I'll have to go back at some point.

Purchases (after discounts):
- rugby shirt: $20.65
- 2 ribbed sweaters: $20.92
- 1 corduroy jacket: $24.49

All in all, not a bad shopping day. Now I need a nap.

Week twelve NFL picks

12-4 last week; 101-59 for the season

Miami at Detroit: Miami
Tampa Bay at Dallas: Dallas
Denver at Kansas City: Kansas City
Pittsburgh at Baltimore: Baltimore
Carolina at Washington: Washington
New Orleans at Atlanta: New Orleans
San Francisco at St. Louis: St. Louis
Houston at NY Jets: New York
Arizona at Minnesota: Minnesota
Cincinnati at Cleveland: Cincinnati
Jacksonville at Buffalo: Jacksonville
Oakland at San Diego: San Diego
NY Giants at Tennessee: New York
Chicago at New England: Chicago
Philadelphia at Indianapolis: Indianapolis
Green Bay at Seattle: Seattle

The Hideout comes back to DC

Former WJFK-FMers El Jefe and J-Dubs are returning to their old haunt to do a week-worth of "test shows" from 12/4 to 12/8 in the 8 PM to 10 PM slot. "Dubs and I are excited to welcome our former co-worker and very good friend, Shaffee, into 'The Hideout' as a new member of the show," El Jefe writes via hideoutheretics.net. The radio duo, which left the DC area's CBS talker 106.7 two years ago, recently got canned from their evening gig at a Clear Channel talker in Orlando. (DCRTV)

This is great news. But a "test show"? What's the point of making them do a trial run on a station that they worked at for two years, and were only fired from because the station had to make room for the Junkies after HFS switched formats?

But whatever. Aside from Opie & Anthony, WJFK has been unlistenable ever since Ron & Fez left. I can't stand the Junkies, Bill O'Reilly (and his callers) makes me want to run over Republicans with my car, and Don & Mike haven't been funny for years. So this is definitely a positive step.

Fuck this test show bullshit, though. Give the guys a long term contract, and do it now.

Stalking Fenty for a job sounds like a great idea!

GeeDubbs: What's the best way for a young professional to get a job with the new city administration?

Mark Plotkin: Alright GeeDubbs, call Fenty. He calls everybody back. Or if he doesn't, find out somebody who works for him and talk to them. Or, go to an event where he is at, introduce yourself, be confident and friendly and stick the resume in his hand. He's a very accessible person and probably not that much older than you. (Washington Post's Metro Politics chat)

This...strikes me as really bad advice.

I guess it's possible that if GeeDubbs were to shove a resume in Fenty's face, Fenty would think, "Say, this kid's got spunk and moxie! Two things that this city needs!" and hire him on the spot.

But isn't it more likely that he'd suggest going through the more traditional application process? The one that doesn't involve accosting him in public? Or simply smile politely, and crumple up the resume as soon as GeeDubbs was out of sight?

And I kind of suspect that the "he calls everyone back" bit went out the window the moment he won the mayoral election, but I could be wrong. Anyone want to give him a call and find out?

I'm no Mark Plotkin, but I would say the best way to get a job with the new administration is to somehow prove that you have absolutely no personal life whatsoever. Maybe provide a telephone bill showing no incoming calls. Or describe everything that's happened this season on Numb3rs, proving you're typically home on Fridays. That way, Fenty can hire you with confidence, knowing that you won't have any outside distractions, and he won't have to fire you the way he did Alec Evans.

Good luck, GeeDubbs.

Casino Royale

Man, this was some good Bond. Spoilers from here on.

The Good

- Daniel Craig. I hate to sound like an overexcited fanboy, but he may really be the best Bond ever. It's nothing short of a miracle that they managed to get the casting right. Remember the rumors of Hugh Jackman being cast as Bond? Julian McMahon? Colin Farrell? Jude Law? Orlando Bloom? (Okay, Clive Owen would have been good, but probably not as good as Craig.) Like a lot of people, I was originally hung up on the blonde thing, but after five minutes, you completely forget about it.

- The plot. No one trying to take over the world. Nothing involving technology that won't exist for another hundred years, if at all. Just a nice, simple stock market manipulation scheme.

- Eva Green. Undoubtedly the best Bond girl in the past thirty years.

In terms of what happens to her at the end, I was really pleased. Going in, I'd heard that her relationship with Bond is supposed to explain his relationship with women. Which I figured meant either she'd be killed off, leaving Bond devastated, or betray him, and leave him bitter. Killing her off would have been too reminiscent of Diana Riggs' death in On Her Majesty's Secret Service. And they already did the betrayal bit in The World is Not Enough. But the combination of the two worked.

- Lack of product placement. The only two I noticed were for Sony Ericsson and Vaio. Definitely the least intrusive advertising in recent memory.

- The stunts. No weak CGI stuff here. In particular, the chase through the construction site was incredible.


The Bad

- The villains. None made much of an impression. Maybe that was the point, given that the emphasis of the film was supposed to be Bond himself, but I think they could have done something more here. I'm normally not a fan of stunt casting, but going with someone famous as Le Chiffre might have made him more of a presence.

- The opening. I didn't really care for the black and white gimmick. I get what they were going for, but I don't want Bond films to be artsy. Also, I'm not wild about the decision not to open with the familiar image of Bond walking in the sight of the rifle. Even putting it a couple of minutes in was too much of a departure. (But at least they got rid of that stupid animated bullet shooting out of Bond's gun, which was introduced in the last couple of Brosnan films.)


The Ugly

- Continuity. It's not really clear how Casino Royale fits into the Bond series. There are two possibilities, and neither one is particularly appealing.

The first is that this film represents a complete reboot of the character, ala, Batman Begins. In other words, none of the previous films "happened." This might well delight newer fans of the character, but would outrage Bond purists. Especially when they start remaking classic Bond films.

The second possibility, that Casino Royale is just a prequel to the other Bond films, is more likely. So the sequence would go Casino Royale, Dr. No, From Russia With Love, etc.

But this also poses a problem. There are two kinds of recurring characters in the Bond films. You have Bond, Moneypenny, and Felix Leiter, who stay eternally young, and keep getting recast every few years. Then you have M and Q, who were replaced by new characters, not just new actors.

It was clearly established in Goldeneye that Judi Dench had just been appointed the new M, and that she and Bond were still feeling each other out. If this film was going back to Bond's origins, they should have cast a guy as M. One who looked as much like Bernard Lee as possible.

So I don't know where that leaves us. Also, if this isn't a reboot, it was a mistake to establish Casino Royale as being post-9/11. I'm not saying they should have set it in the 60s, but some unspecified time period would have worked fine.


In the end, minor and admittedly geeky quibbles aside, this was a fantastic movie. Definitely ranks in the top ten Bond films, if not the top five.

Dating for DC Dummies

She looked older than I was expecting. [Then] she mentioned that she graduated in 1997, and I [thought], Okay, she's a year younger than me. But a couple of things weren't lining up, so I said, "You graduated high school in '97?" and she said, "No, college." That was a bit of a negative. She's also pretty short, around 5-foot-1. By comparison, my most recent girlfriend was 23 years old and 5-foot-9. (Washington Post's Date Lab)

Sorry, short women over 30. You're apparently going to die alone. Better go ahead and invest in that step stool now, since it doesn't look like you'll have a man around to help get things down off the shelf. (All kidding aside, I personally think any woman who says she's into, "geeky things like Star Wars," is marriage material. But clearly, Tim and I have different priorities.)

I do like the fact that this proves that when it comes to dating, devout Christians can be just as shallow as everyone else. Those stupid eHarmony.com ads would have people believe that all they need is a good soul, and members of the opposite sex will swoon over them. If they ever set up a TV Huckster Hall of Fame, initial inductees should include Miss Cleo, Matthew Lesko, and Dr. Neil Clark Warren.

(No, I'm not a bitter ex-client or anything. Those commercials just give me the creeps.)

Comic of the Week: Birds of Prey #100

Birds of Prey #100
"A Chance to Do Good" & "Keepsakes" by Gail Simone, Nicola Scott, Tony Bedard, and Paulo Sequiera
Published by DC Comics ($3.99)

Synopsis:

With Black Canary gone, Oracle goes recruiting. The new team heads down to Mexico to bust the daughter of a mobster out of prison, in exchange for his turning state's evidence. And in a back-up story, it's secret origin time for Black Canary.

Comments:

BoP is notable for any number of reasons. It features an all-female cast, it's written by a woman (one who's stayed on the book for a few years now, which itself is pretty unusual these days), and it's one of only a handful of titles launched in the last decade to reach one hundred issues.

One of the reasons for this has got to be Simone's willingness to shake things up, such as by moving Black Canary off the team (though this is almost certainly a temporary development), and bringing in some new members. And they're pretty good members, too. Barda is always fun to read, and hopefully, the inclusion of Manhunter will give her criminally low-selling title some added buzz when it returns.

I did have two problems with this issue:

First, the new Judomaster. I've bitched about it before, and I'll bitch about it again, but DC's tendency to immediately shove someone new into a dead character's costume is getting ridiculous. Was the world really calling out for an all new, all female Judomaster? Doesn't it totally take the oomph out of seeing a character killed off (as the first Judomaster was in Infinite Crisis) when you know that within a year, there will be someone else carrying on the name? If DC's looking for a new motto, it might as well be, "DC Comics: Where no trademark is too insignificant to service."

Second, I've never been a fan of back-up stories. I almost always end up feeling somewhat cheated, especially when the main story is great, and the back-up isn't. The good news is, the back-up here isn't bad. But it also isn't necessary. For whatever reason, DC has decided to include brief origin stories at the end of every issue of 52. Black Canary's could have just as easily been told there in two pages, as it was here in sixteen. And it would have given Simone more space to explore the formation of the new team, which would have been far more interesting.

Line of the week:

"You! Woman! I am to hit you. In the head!"--unnamed Mexican inmate

Overall grade: B

Week eleven NFL picks

9-7 last week; 89-55 for the season

Pittsburgh at Cleveland: Pittsburgh
St. Louis at Carolina: Carolina
Atlanta at Baltimore: Baltimore
Washington at Tampa Bay: Washington
Tennessee at Philadelphia: Philadelphia
Chicago at NY Jets: Chicago
Cincinnati at New Orleans: Cincinnati
Minnesota at Miami: Miami
Oakland at Kansas City: Kansas City
Buffalo at Houston: Buffalo
New England at Green Bay: Green Bay
Seattle at San Francisco: San Francisco
Detroit at Arizona: Arizona
Indianapolis at Dallas: Dallas
San Diego at Denver: Denver
NY Giants at Jacksonville: Jacksonville

George Michael out; Lindsay Czarniak hot

DCRTV hears directly from longtime Channel 4/WRC legend George Michael (right) that he will be giving up his nightly sports anchoring duties come March, as well as his nationally syndicated "Sports Machine," but he will continue to host Redskins-related shows (with Sonny Jurgensen, John Riggins, and Michael Wilbon) for the NBC-owned station. (DCRTV)

Geez. That's actually kind of shocking. George Michael has been the Channel 4 sports anchor for as long as I've lived here, and I guess I just assumed he always would be. Even if nuclear war turned DC into a post-apocalyptic wasteland, I would have put money on the only two things to survive being the cockroaches and George Michael.

I hope this doesn't mean Lindsay Czarniak is going to take over as the head sports anchor. I have nothing against her, and she's definitely easy on the eyes (and apparently a laugh riot, as she won the Funniest Sports Celebrity contest earlier this week), but is she ready for the head job? I dunno. It's possible I'm just being incredibly sexist.

Oh, and speaking of Czarniak, I'm pretty sure I've only mentioned her once, but I still get a high (i.e., disturbing) amount of Google hits from people (i.e., stalkers) looking for information on her. Some of the best (i.e., ones that made me cringe):

"jeff gordon, divorce and lindsay czarniak"
"lindsay czarniak bikini"
"'lindsay czarniak'jew"
"lindsay czarniak is hot"
"lindsay czarniak lesbian"
"lindsay czarniak naked"

I mean, come on, people. She's a sportscaster in a major TV market, not a porn star. Why would you think there are naked photos of her floating around on the Internet?

Pull up your pants, and either take a cold shower or just switch over to WTTG and watch Dave Feldman do sports. That'll take the lead out of your pencil.

Riot in Rockville tomorrow night. Mark your calendars.

Washington-area lines for the PlayStation 3 have begun. In Rockville, about 100 people have already staked their places in line to take the Rockville Pike Circuit City store's inventory of the new game consoles. (Post I.T.)

100 people, 100 PS3s for sale. In theory, this should work out fine.

Except that you know people will show up at the last minute and cut in line.

Except you know people are going to try and buy multiple units to sell on Ebay. (And if Circuit City tells them no, they'll still find a way. "What's that? Only one per customer? Um...my wife and five year old kid here, also need one each. Just to make it simple, put them all on my credit card. Oh, and my wife's pregnant. So throw in one for the fetus.")

Except that you know there will be some sort of shenanigans involving Circuit City employees, and 100 units will magically become 70.

Except that you know people are going to get jumped while walking back to the car with their PS3.

Not that I'll have a lot of sympathy if/when any of these things happen. I like video games as much as the next guy, but unless they're giving away free cocaine and hookers with the PS3, there's no way in hell I would ever camp out for a week to get one. And even then, it would have to be some mighty fine cocaine and hookers.

And all for what? So people can drop $600 for better graphics and the opportunity to get raped by stores charging $60 a game? Stupid nerds. You ought to know better.

It's time to declare another crime emergency

The council's agenda for Tuesday includes 40 emergency bills, and one of them calls for a 51 percent salary increase for council members.

A councilman's current salary is a little more than $92,000. The emergency legislation would increase that to $140,000. (WRC)

The fuck...?

First, how does this qualify as an emergency bill? I mean, I know Christmas is right around the corner and council members have shopping to do, but come on.

Second, where's Fenty on this? He's already started boasting about how he's going to cut spending. Psst. Hey, Mayor-Elect. This would be a really good place to start. Put your damn foot down.

Finally, 51%?!?! Seriously? I mean...fucking seriously?

If we're being honest, no raise at all would have been the right move. But while a 10% raise might have risen a few eyebrows, I think people in general would have been fine with it. A 25% raise would maybe prompt some questions about fiscal responsibility and pay commensurate with performance and all that, but probably would still have flown under the radar. But a 51% raise? For the job they've been doing? Are they delusional or just greedy?

So, let's review:

Winners: DC Council members, area BMW dealerships, Barry's dealer
Losers: Everyone else

Well done, DC Council. Truly, another proud day for the city.

Strike one for Fenty

"We now have Fenty rolling with the tide, and as soon as the garages are built, we won't ever see retail or residential development, which was the whole point of locating the stadium at that site in the first place," said S. Scott Morrison, an attorney for Miller.

...
Fenty said the Lerner group has promised to work with the city to potentially tear down the garages in future seasons if a solid mixed-use development plan is proposed. (Washington Post)

Er...yeah. I'm sure the Lerners will totally honor that promise. The legislation Fenty's supporting is basically the equivalent of selling the family cow for a bunch of magic beans, except without the magic part.

It's become fairly evident that the Lerners aren't overly concerned about improving the area around the ballpark. Which is fine, I guess. I can't really blame them for acting in their own self-interest after shelling out a few hundred million dollars for the team. But that doesn't mean the DC government should also be acting in the Lerners' interests.

This is especially disappointing coming from Fenty of all people, who did his best to derail Williams' attempts to bring baseball to DC in the first place. Once we got the team, you would think it would have been Williams who did whatever he could to placate MLB and the new owners, and Fenty who would push for major economic development as part of the deal. But the opposite has happened.

And really, what would be the bigger tragedy? The Lerners having to wait maybe one more year for the stadium to open, as underground garages were built and development deals were made to enrich the area around the ballpark, or the city enthusiastically sabotaging the possibility of any future growth by signing off on ugly and obtrusive parking garages, which I guarantee, regardless of whatever promises the Lerners are making, will still be standing twenty years from now.

An inauspicious start for our new mayor. I can't wait to see what lengths he'll go to in order to bend over for Dan Snyder, should the rumors of a new Redskins stadium on the RFK site turn out to be true.

It's time for Gibbs to lose his cool

Let's get the usual disclaimers out of the way: Joe Gibbs is a genius. Joe Gibbs is a regional treasure, if not a national one. Biblical scholars are still debating this, but Joe Gibbs might actually be the second coming of Christ, here to lead us all into the promised land.

But Joe Gibbs is also getting on my nerves. Let's take a look at some of the comments he made after yesterday's massacre in Philly:

- "I think we need to take a long hard look at everything," Gibbs said.

- "That was discouraging for me," Gibbs said.

- Redskins coach Joe Gibbs: "One thing I'm thankful for is that we have some other games to play. We'll get a chance to come back and hopefully redeem ourselves.''

- "I don't really have any initial thoughts [on the quarterback situation]," Gibbs said. "I know everyone will want to talk about it."

To paraphrase one of my favorite West Wing lines, Gibbs has turned being unengaged into a Zen-like thing. And I don't mean Zen-like in the Phil Jackson sense, where you can tell that the wheels are turning, even as he's talking nonsense. I mean Zen-like, as in Mr. Miyagi telling Daniel-san, "Win, lose, no matter."

How about just a little passion? How about explaining why the Redskins are the only team in the NFL that's sticking with their struggling, over-the-hill quarterback, while almost every other losing team has turned the reins over to their "quarterback of the future," to use a favorite Gibbs-ism when describing Jason Campbell?

How about explaining why the two highest paid assistant coaches in the NFL apparently aren't worth as much as the guy with the least seniority on the coaching staffs of the Colts, Bears, or Chargers?

How about explaining why a Hall of Fame coach who has had incredible success at winning games while calling plays, has decided that the team is better off without him calling plays anymore?

Do I want to see outbursts like Denny Green had after the Bears beat the Cardinals? Do I want a coach like Parcells, who has no problem throwing players under the bus when he's upset? Not especially. But there's a distinct middle ground between that, and where Gibbs is at now. And I hope he finds it soon.

Comic of the Week: Teen Titans #40

Teen Titans #40
"Titans Around the World Part III" by Geoff Johns and Tony S. Daniel
Published by DC Comics ($2.99)

Synopsis:

The Titans finally find Raven, and the traitor is revealed.

Comments:

Of all the post-Infinite Crisis titles, Teen Titans is probably the most improved. Just a year ago, I dropped the book because I thought it had gotten dull, the characters had grown stagnant, and I was just burned on on Johns in general (who was, and still is, writing too many titles). Now, surprisingly, it's become one of my favorites.

Aside from a pretty engaging mystery, a lot of the credit for this has to do with the characters Johns has chosen to use. With Superboy and Kid Flash no longer available, he had to think outside the box. Going with Ravager and Kid Devil was smart, and even though some of the new characters like Zatara, Miss Martian, and Wendy and Marvin seemed really questionable, they've been fun to read.

The one thing I'm not crazy about is the apparent resurrection of Jericho. This really wasn't someone who people were clamoring for to return, and there have been too many dead characters coming back to life recently. Hopefully, this will be a temporary development.

Line of the week:

"Rose is psychotic, but she lets you know it up front."--Wonder Girl

Overall grade: B+

The final word on all things Bond

Every time a new Bond film comes out, the media hype machine gets going, and all kinds of people--celebrities, fans, journalists, etc.--pontificate about what was the best and worst Bond film, who was the best and worst Bond villain, etc.

So I figured I'd also put my two cents in. The only difference is, as someone who's spent countless hours watching Bond films, and even more countless hours contemplating these highly important matters, these are the right opinions.


Bond Gadget

Best: Magnetic watch; Live and Let Die

Bond's had a lot of cool watches over the years, but this is the only one that would actually be useful to have in real life. (Well, useful and legal. I think we'd all like to have watches with laser beams.)

Runner up: Jet pack; Thunderball

Worst: Virtual reality simulator; Die Another Day

The "invisible car" in this movie is usually what people point to as proof that the gadgets had gotten way out of hand. But as bad as that was, the VR room was even worse.

I mean, in terms of believability, it's pretty hard to buy the existence of the holodeck on Star Trek, and that takes place in the 25th century. So the idea of MI6 having one in 2002, is just a bit of a stretch. If any government had this sort of technology, they wouldn't waste it on training spies and giving Moneypenny an outlet for her sexual fantasies. They'd license it to Disney, sit back, and watch the billions roll in.

Runner up: Aston Martin V-12 Vanquish; Die Another Day


Bond Girl

Best: Holly Goodhead; Moonraker


Moonraker was a pretty bad film all around, but the one saving grace was CIA agent Holly Goodhead, played by Lois Chiles. Looks, brains, and the second best Bond girl name (after Pussy Gallore, or course).

Runner up: Honey Ryder; Dr. No

Worst (tie): Stacy Sutton; A View to a Kill & Christmas Jones; The World is Not Enough


I tried to choose just one, but they're both so horrible, just picking one of them might be seen as tacit approval of the other.

Let's start with Sutton, played by Tanya Roberts. According to her IMDB entry, this was Roberts' last really big role before heading off to the wonderful world of soft-core porn, and it's easy to see why. Aside from the fact that she really can't act, her character is beyond worthless. Granted, Bond girls don't tend to be especially useful in general, except when there's a bed around. But Sutton takes uselessness to a new extreme, needing rescuing approximately 90% of the time she's on-screen. Every time Bond has the chance to leave her for dead, you really can't help but wish that he'd take it.

As for Christmas Jones, try saying this with a straight face: Denise Richards as a nuclear physicist. And if a Bond girl is going to have a quirky name, it should serve as some sort of blatant sexual entendre (i.e., Pussy Gallore, Holly Goodhead, Xenia Onatopp, etc.). Otherwise, it's just dumb. Yes, I laughed at that horrible pun at the end of the film, ("I thought Christmas only comes once a year."), but I felt dirty afterwards.

Runner up: Kara Milovy; The Living Daylights


Bond Villain

Best: Auric Goldfinger; Goldfinger


This is a no-brainer. When it comes to Bond preferences, certain things are open to debate. But not this. Aside from being perfectly played by Gert Fröbe, he had the best plan of any Bond villain. A lesser bad guy would just try and rob Fort Knox. Goldfinger's plan to irradiate the gold there, thus making his own gold supply exponentially more valuable, is absolutely brilliant in its simplicity.

Runner up: Ernst Stavro Blofeld; From Russia with Love, Thunderball, You Only Live Twice, On Her Majesty's Secret Service, Diamonds Are Forever, and Live and Let Die

Worst: Elliot Carver; Tomorrow Never Dies


In this age of Fox News and media consolidation, I guess it's not totally implausible that a network would help spur a war in order to increase profits. But here, it was handled in such a silly, cartoonish way, it's impossible to take Carver seriously whenever he's on screen. Worst of all, it was a complete waste of Jonathan Pryce, who would have otherwise made a great Bond villain.

Runner up: Kamal Khan; Octopussy


Bond Actor

Best: Timothy Dalton


Yeah, yeah. I know. It's heresy to say anyone other than Connery. Deal with it.

Don't get me wrong, Connery's great. But Dalton's better, and it's a tragedy he only made two films. Of all the actors to play Bond, Dalton is the only one who seems like he really could be a deadly secret agent.

Runner up: Sean Connery

Worst: Roger Moore


The truly annoying thing about Moore is that when the films weren't trying to be campy and he played the part straight, he was actually pretty good. Not great, and not exactly believable as a spy--especially in the last few films, when he was pushing 60--but pretty good. Which made the goofy parts even more grating, and made you wonder how much better his films would have been if he'd approached the role more seriously.

Runner up: Pierce Brosnan


Bond Film

Best: Goldfinger

Goldfinger. Oddjob. Pussy Gallore. Death by gold paint. Operation Grand Slam. "Do you expect me to talk?" "No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!"

The sheer amount of awesome in this film is staggering.

Runner up: License to Kill

Worst: The World is Not Enough


Probably the most by-the-numbers Bond film ever made. And what few decent moments there were, are overshadowed by uninspired villains, a lousy Bond girl, and Brosnan's performance shifting uncomfortably close to Moore's.

Runner up: Moonraker

Week ten NFL picks

10-4 last week; 80-48 for the season

Buffalo at Indianapolis: Buffalo
San Francisco at Detroit: San Francisco
San Diego at Cincinnati: San Diego
Baltimore at Tennessee: Baltimore
Cleveland at Atlanta: Cleveland
Washington at Philadelphia: Washington
Green Bay at Minnesota: Green Bay
NY Jets at New England: New England
Kansas City at Miami: Kansas City
Houston at Jacksonville: Houston
Denver at Oakland: Denver
St. Louis at Seattle: St. Louis
Dallas at Arizona: Arizona
New Orleans at Pittsburgh: New Orleans
Chicago at NY Giants: Chicago
Tampa Bay at Carolina: Carolina

The battle of wits has begun

Britney Spears really doesn't want K-Fed feeding off her anymore, so much so that she's willing to give away the first photos of her baby Jayden James for free – just to avoid having to satisfy little-known clause in the couple's pre-nup guarantees that Fed-Ex will get a portion of any proceeds from selling snaps. (TMZ)

As much as I love K-Fed, that's pretty awesome. Advantage: Spears.

Federline needs to get his head in the game, here, if he wants to walk away with anything. Demanding full custody of his two kids probably won't go over too well with the judge, considering that he was perfectly content to let Shar Jackson keep the other two ( i.e., the poor ones), when he started shacking up with Britney. And I'm not sure what his rationale is for demanding more money than he's entitled to in the prenup, since the general consensus seems to be that he was the worst husband in the history of the world. And that's counting Scott Peterson.

Rap career floundering. Acting career nonexistent. Ironclad prenup. I hate to say it, K-Fed, but now might be the time to grab a boombox, and do the Say Anything move outside of Britney's house, begging her to take you back. Yes, it would certainly lack dignity and self-awareness, but it's not like that's ever really stopped you before.

Fenty hates video games; video games hate Fenty

Of all the flagrantly unconstitutional attempts at legislating game sales, Fenty's proposed D.C. law takes the cake. Called the "Youth Protection From Obscene Video Games Act," the bill would outlaw any game with an ESRB rating of "Mature" or higher from being sold to minors. Similar measures with far narrower provisions have been struck down in several states. (Wired blogs)

Wow! Fenty hasn't even taken office yet, and he's already fixed the DC schools, eradicated crime, housed the homeless, and in general, turned DC into a utopia! Because, really, how else would he be able to waste his time with something like this?

Here are some other bills that our mayor-elect may want to consider, as they might prove to be slightly more useful:

- Youth Protection From Drugs Act
- Youth Protection From Gangs Act
- Youth Protection From Illiteracy Act
- Youth Protection From AIDS Act
- Youth Protection From Poverty Act

And of course, the Youth Protection From Misplaced Mayoral Priorities Act. (I get the feeling we may be needing that one sooner than we think.)

K-Fed down! K-Fed down!

As I sit here watching CNN, I was going to post some election thoughts. But as an unabashed Federline fan--of the man, not the music--this just seems so much more important.

Kevin, you dumb bastard. You were officially the luckiest man who ever lived. All you had to do was not fuck it up. And what did you do? You fucked it up. Big time. I mean, of course, we all knew divorce was inevitable. But I figured you'd at least make it five years.

We'll probably never know exactly what the final straw was. Yet another trip out to Vegas, leaving Britney home alone with the kids? Smoking pot in the house again? Getting caught replacing her birth control with sugar pills, in an effort to knock her up again?

I suppose it doesn't matter. All that matters is that for two years, you lived the dream: married a hot celebrity, never worked a day in your life, and spent vast amounts of money that wasn't yours.

And for that, America salutes you. Even if not everyone will admit it.

Young Republicans must die

Is there anything more obnoxious in the world than Young Republicans? I passed by two of them on the street this morning. They were about 18 years old, poster boys for the Aryan brotherhood, and wearing blue blazers with George Allen stickers on them. One of them was talking on his cell phone, hung up, and said to the other, "We've got it in the bag, bitch! We've got it in the motherfucking bag!" Then they high-fived.

If you see them and kill them, I'll pay you $10,000. Seriously. I'm not kidding. Just bring me the blood soaked blazers as proof.

Why geeks shouldn't protest

I saw a guy dressed as V, from V From Vendetta, standing in front of the White House about an hour ago, surrounded by several uniformed Secret Service officers.

Now, I have to think that when someone wears any costume around the White House, it tends to raise red flags with the Secret Service. But when the costume is of a character who's an anarchist who goes around blowing up buildings to terrify a repressive government regime, probably even more so.

What made the choice in costume even stupider, was the decision to accessorize. See, along with his stack of literature to hand out, "V" was carrying several throwing knives. I'll say that again. He was carrying throwing knives. By the White House.

In spite of looking pretty damn real, I'm guessing they were made of plastic, which is why the Secret Service officers were talking to him like he was a sane, reasonable person, instead of, say, tackling him and grinding his face into the pavement.

But still. Costume. Throwing knives. White House. Come on.

Comic of the Week: Detective Comics #825

Detective Comics #825
"The Return of Dr. Phosphorus" by Royal McGraw and Marcos Marz
Published by DC Comics ($2.99)

Synopsis:

Dr. Phosphorus escapes from his holding tank, and sets out to get revenge on the men responsible for the accident that gave him his powers. Batman ultimately defeats him by using baking soda to oxidize him, which he stole from Alfred's kitchen. But then Alfred gets his revenge by making beignets for Bruce Wayne using--get this--salt, instead of baking soda! Ha, ha, ha! Alfred, you cad!

Christ, this issue sucked.

Comments:

It's bad enough that they needed a fill-in issue, interrupting what has been an excellent run on the book by Paul Dini. It's even worse that they picked this story. The plot is strictly by-the-numbers, and it's a toss-up as to what's stiffer, the dialogue or the artwork.

All in all, a terrible issue that never should have seen the light of day.

Line of the week:

"You wouldn't be speaking of the combustible criminal who once irradiated the Gotham City Reservoir?"--Alfred

Overall grade: D

Week nine NFL picks

8-6 last week; 70-44 for the season

Atlanta at Detroit: Atlanta
Miami at Chicago: Chicago
Green Bay at Buffalo: Green Bay
Cincinnati at Baltimore: Baltimore
Dallas at Washington: Washington
New Orleans at Tampa Bay: New Orleans
Kansas City at St. Louis: Kansas City
Houston at New York Giants: Houston
Tennessee at Jacksonville: Jacksonville
Minnesota at San Francisco: San Francisco
Cleveland at San Diego: San Diego
Denver at Pittsburgh: Denver
Indianapolis at New England: Indianapolis
Oakland at Seattle: Seattle

But what about Dan Snyder?

Two weeks after being cut loose by Paramount, Cruise/Wagner Productions signed a two-year financing deal with an investment partnership headed by Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder.

That deal with First & Goal LLC covers overhead and development for films produced by Mr. Cruise and Ms. Wagner, but is not part of yesterday's deal, Mr. Sands said. (Globe and Mail)

Oops. Looks like someone just got ditched by the cool kids. Dan, what's your take on all this?

Er...Dan? Mr. Snyder?

Oh, come on. Don't be like that.

Look, Dan, I...will you please at least turn around and look at me?

Thank you. Now, just because Tom Cruise has his own movie studio to play with, doesn't mean he's going to turn his back on your deal. I mean, yeah, he'll probably do his high profile flicks with UA, in order to increase revenues, but I'm sure he'll still make time for you.

Yes, really. Besides, you didn't want to get involved in financing expensive action films, did you? Most of them end up bombing at the box office, anyway. Look at Poseidon. Look at Stealth. Even Superman Returns is considered a flop. Now, with Cruise doing his thing at UA, you won't be under any pressure to make films specifically for him, and will be able to focus on some less expensive projects, which means higher profit margins.

Like what? Oh. Uh...I don't know. I didn't really come prepared with a pitch or anything.

Oh, wait, I know. How about the true story of a socially-inept kid that pulls himself up from the hardships of his comfortable middle-class background to become a socially-inept billionaire? He then buys the local NFL team, only to find himself castigated by the sports media, and utterly despised by fans for his horrible personnel decisions and determination to shake every last dime out of their pockets?

Who am I talking about? What, are you serious?

Uh...Jerry Jones. Of course.

Yeah, see, I knew you'd like that one.

Go get, 'em Danny boy. I see you holding an Oscar in the very near-future. Which is good, because you sure as hell won't be holding the Lombardi Trophy anyime soon, huh? Huh? Heh.

Dan? Oh, come on. It was a joke. Dan?

DC just put on its Bad Idea Jeans

Isn't giving tourists an outlet for suggestions like giving a kid a gun? An angry kid? With lots of bullets? Who's a really good shot?

The Mall needs a facelift, and the National Park Service wants Americans to recommend a new look for the historic space, worn and tattered by 25 million visitors every year.

A nationwide effort, officially launched today, will begin with a symposium this month and an interactive Web site that will ask people across with country who have opinions on the Mall's 600 acres to register them online. The suggestions will be culled into a report and action plan next year. (Washington Post)

This is a horrible idea for any number of reasons, but here are the top three:

1) Who gives a damn what tourists think?
2) Who gives a damn what tourists think?
3) Who gives a damn what tourists think?

Some of the problems with the Mall identified in the article are valid (although, not exactly life threatening): lack of restrooms, rusty benches, etc.

Others aren't: where exactly are we supposed to put in more parking downtown? Hey, maybe we can raze a few office buildings, since it's not like they're in high demand or anything.

Brown grass? You know, if tourists want to see pristine fauna, they can visit the Botanic Garden. But as long as we go long periods without rain, and allow people to play ultimate frisbee on the grass, guess what? It's going to get wrecked.

And a lack of restaurants? Please. No matter where you're standing on the Mall, walk three or four blocks in any direction, and you'll run into several. Do we need to attach a Ruby Tuesday to the Washington Monument before the tourists will be happy? How about a Wendy's next to the Vietnam Memorial?

The bottom line is, there's nothing wrong the Mall that can't be fixed with some common sense and a minimum of fuss. The last thing we should be doing is trying to make the area more appealing to tourists, as we already get more than enough. If anything, I'd like to see the rash of muggings and assaults on the Mall last summer played up, in an effort to dissuade people from coming here in the future.

I strongly encourage DC to abandon this idea before it gets off the ground. It will only lead to madness and tears, and quite probably a sharp increase in tourist homicides.

Army of Darkness vs. Marvel Zombies

It's not nearly as out there as The Punisher Meets Archie, but as far as comic book crossovers go, I don't think anyone saw this coming.

Marvel Zombies was the best thing Marvel's put out in years. (Well, for all I know, anyway. I barely read anything from Marvel.) It was funny, gory, and completely irreverent. Who can forget a zombie-fied Spider-Man wailing about how he'd eaten Mary Jane and Aunt May?

Which makes Marvel's decision to pimp it out for this sort of crossover somewhat odd, especially when they could get so much more mileage out of the Zombie universe all on their own.

I suspect that when all is said and done, people will look back and say that this crossover was a lousy idea. Especially since a 2-dimensional Ash isn't nearly as entertaining as one being played by Bruce Campbell. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't going to pick up the first issue the day it comes out.