Any journalists looking for a story?

Yesterday, I got this email:

hey my name is XXXXX i'm all the way in Guyana . That's in South America. I wonder if you would visit someone who can give you a story like no other. 5mins in D.c is all i ask . He is in Prison . So if you up for it . Then you you r in for a good story a news breaker too.

When I checked my visitor log, I found that this person does indeed live in Guyana, and had found his way here by searching for "journalists in washington dc" on Ask.com.

Now, this is a blog about, among other things, comic books, fantasy football, and bitching about people on the Metro. So on my best day, I wouldn't call myself a journalist. Why this person was led here, I have no idea, but it has pretty much convinced me to never to use Ask when searching for something.

Anyway, the email sort of intrigued me. So I responded, asking what the story was. This was the response I received (like with the first one, I'm redacting any identifying personal info):

Look I'm not going to waste our time, your time by sending you to a correctional treatment facility for no reason. Walk with your stop watch, pen and note book. (no harm done you either c a story which i'm sure you will or let's look at this on the pessimistic side, you don't, you'll lose five minutes of you day.) He is XX years old. His name is XXXXXXX and his D.C # is XXXXXX, he is @ the correctional treatment facility XXXXXX ,Washington D.C
Sometimes in life you take things by word, by chances. just go for a visit.

For about five seconds, I considered putting on a trench coat and a fedora with a little card that says Press on it, grabbing a notepad, and going down there to break this story wide open. Then reality set in, and I decided that trekking out to prisons would be just a bit outside the bounds of what I intended when I started this blog.

I have no idea how many other "journalists" might have heard from this person via his Ask search, but if there are any others who would be interested in looking into this, let me know at dcublog@gmail.com, and I'll forward you the emails, so you can either go visit the guy in prison, or ask the person who contacted me for some more details.

All I ask is that you let me know how it turned out. (And cut me in for a percentage of the book and movie deals if this winds up being a huge story. But we can talk about that later.)

al Queda's looking for a few good martyrs

On the 20-minute tape, al-Masri also called for experts in the fields of "chemistry, physics, electronics, media and all other sciences — especially nuclear scientists and explosives experts" to join his group's holy war against the West.

"We are in dire need of you," he said. "The field of jihad (holy war) can satisfy your scientific ambitions, and the large American bases (in Iraq) are good places to test your unconventional weapons, whether biological or dirty, as they call them." (Houston Chronicle)

Interesting how their recruiting sales pitch sounds so similar to our military's. I mean, "satisfy your scientific ambitions"? With al Queda? Who knew such opportunities existed? Do they also offer scholarships?

I wonder if al Queda runs ridiculous recruitment commercials on TV the same way the US Army does. Like, showing an al Queda fighter coming home, and his father proudly commenting on how the son looked him in the eye and shook his hand for the first time.

Or an al Queda terrorist meeting up with a bunch of his pals and explaining how he's been working with explosives. Then the friends ask, "Wait, couldn't you have done that here?" and the terrorist flashes back to how he helped make bombs for suicide bombers. Then he shakes his head and says, "No. Not really."

Or like that one really stupid commercial that used to air years ago, where the guy faces off against a bad CGI dragon, pulls out a sword, and is magically transformed into a marine. Only in al Queda's case, I guess instead of a longsword, it would be a scimitar, and instead of a dragon, it would be a bad Jewish caricature.

Anyway, instead of opening military bases in Iraq, we should think about opening labs. Not ones that would give them access to anything dangerous, mind you. Nothing involving deadly diseases or fissionable materials. But something that will allow Iraqis with scientific ambitions to focus them on something other than killing Americans.

Like diet soda. I mean, seriously, it's 2006. Fifty years ago, people thought we'd have jet packs and moon cities by now. Shouldn't we at least have a diet soda that tastes exactly like a regular one? Let's let all these Iraqi Einsteins help out with that.

"Holy--"

You know the Passat commercials where a couple of friends are driving along, having some inane conversation, when all of a sudden out of nowhere, they get hit by another car? Then it cuts to a shot of the driver and passenger outside the Passat. The car is totaled, but the people are alive and well. Somewhat traumatized, the driver says, "Holy--" and they cut away right before "shit" to the phrase, "Safe Happens."

The new one also features two friends driving along in their Passat having an inane conversation, but this one is about...the appropriateness of Passat commercials. "I just think maybe they went too far," sniffs Woman 1 in the new commercial. "I think where they went was...real," says Woman 2, a few seconds before a minivan rolls down a hill and T-bones them. Then Woman 2 goes all melodramatic with her, "Holy--" and it cuts away.

For fuck's sake, is this really a conversation that Passat imagines people are having? Do they really think their ad campaign is this socially relevant, that people are debating whether or not it's appropriate for a car company to show a commercial featuring an accident where no one even gets hurt?

This is why car companies shouldn't take themselves so seriously. Especially when it comes to commercials. Car commercials should be funny. Remember the Passat commercial that used to air, where a husband and wife are behind a truck at a traffic light, the light turns green, and the truck doesn't move? The wife honks the horn, and the pissed off truck driver gets out and starts walking back towards them. The husband totally thinks he's getting his ass kicked, but the truck's driver just walks past them, and starts yelling at the driver of the SUV behind them. Now, that was pretty funny.

But then again, I guess maybe Passat thought the message consumers were taking away from that ad is that if you drive a Passat, people will automatically assume you're a pussy, and that's why it doesn't run anymore.

If I owned a competing car company, I'd make a parody commercial where two people were driving in a Passat, discussing the Passat commercial that discussed the other Passat commercials. Then a car comes out of nowhere and hits them, but instead of cutting away to show the people safe, they'd be shown being put into body bags.

Sure, Passat would sue, and probably put me out of business. But I would have made a great, great commercial, so it would totally be worth it.

DC: Come for the fraud, stay for the murder rate

When agency Inspector General Kirt West exposed the abuse, Legal Services directors tried to get rid of him, according to private meeting transcripts obtained by a national media outlet. The transcripts feature Legal Services members deriding West as abusive, a character assassin and a shoddy investigator with a delusional staff.

Certainly, they were upset at the inspector general's findings, which included; $400 for a limousine to transport agency officials to meetings within cab distance from the Washington D.C. headquarters; fancy deserts that cost $14 each; $200 taxi rides in Ireland for Legal Services President Helaine Barnett and $7 million in unneeded office space in the upscale Georgetown section of Washington. (Judicial Watch)

As a fairly cynical person, I'm not all that shocked that even people working for an organization that's ostensibly dedicated to helping the poor and disadvantaged, aren't above stealing from the till. I'm even more impressed that they had the stones to try and fire the guy who was investigating them. I mean, even the Bush Administration was smart enough to not try and fuck with Patrick Fitzgerald. And how often do you hear the words "The Bush Administration was smart enough to..."?

If anything, I'm a little let down at the amount of waste/fraud going on here. Limo rides? Office space? Expensive desserts? Please. The people who worked for the Washington Teachers' Union embezzled money to buy Wizards tickets, fur coats, artwork, and a plasma TV. William Jefferson had $20,000 in his freezer. Tom DeLay...geez, where to start?

That's how you commit fraud in DC. The Legal Services guys? Slackers.

Comic of the Week: Checkmate #6

Checkmate #6
"Rouge Squad" by Greg Rucka, Nunzio Defilippis, Christina Weir, and Cliff Richards
Published by DC Comics ($2.99)

Synopsis:

As the UN squabbles over whether Checkmate should take against Myanmar, the Bronze Tiger breaks Rick Flag out of prison, and a group of ex-Suicide Squad members, tired of being under Amanda Waller's thumb, have teamed up to do something about it. Unfortunately, this doesn't go over well with the Society, who set them up to be ambushed by the Myanmar military.

Commentary:

Considering that the last time we saw Rick Flag, he was being blown up in a nuclear explosion, there'd better be one hell of an explaination as to why he's still alive. DC's gotten into a really annoying habit of bringing back dead characters with no explanation, and apparently just hoping that no one remembers they were killed off in the first place. This is especially grating in Rick Flag's case, as his death was pretty damn cool.

Other than that, Rucka continues to do a good job of balancing the superhero and espionage aspects of the book. Plus, it's always fun to see the Suicide Squad. Rather than waste time with a book like Shadowpact, which you know is just a cancelation waiting to happen, DC should really launch a new Suicide Squad series. (This time, written by someone other than Keith Giffen.)

Line of the week:

"No, it's totally okay for him to do that. Dogs are a dime a dozen, but experimentation with explosives is priceless."--Jewelee

Overall grade: B-

Week three NFL picks

13-3 last week; 22-10 for the season

New York Jets at Buffalo: New York
Chicago at Minnesota: Minnesota
Tennessee at Miami: Miami
Jacksonville at Indianapolis: Indianapolis
Washington at Houston: Washington
Green Bay at Detroit: Green Bay
Cincinnati at Pittsburgh: Cincinnati
Carolina at Tampa Bay: Tampa Bay
Baltimore at Cleveland: Baltimore
New York Giants at Seattle: Seattle
Philadelphia at San Francisco: San Francisco
St. Louis at Arizona: Arizona
Denver at New England: New England
Atlanta at New Orleans: New Orleans

An open letter to idiot Orioles fans

Dear Os fans,

Thanks for providing more proof why baseball is, and always will be, a second-rate sport with third-rate fans.

What did your little walk-out accomplish? You still paid for your tickets yesterday, so you were the only ones who missed out by not seeing the team's comeback later in the game. Plus, you probably bought overpriced food for the four innings you did watch. And most importantly, you'll be back. It's not like you turned in your season tickets en masse, which wouldn't have been much more effective, but I could have at least respected somewhat.

So, to sum up, the total cost to Peter Angelos of yesterday's tantrum is a whopping $0.00.

And what was the point in the first place? Did you really think Angelos would look at the 1,000 people who left (far shy of the 10,000 that organizers claimed would participate), and think, "Hey, I'm really unpopular, aren't I? Maybe I should sell the team."

Or maybe, "You know, they have a point. I guess I could spend more on players. Get me A-Rod on the phone!"

Yeah, that was really going to happen.

Look, there are just some sports franchises that are destined to be losers no matter what. The Detroit Lions. The Golden State Warriors. And yes, the Baltimore Orioles. Just accept it. Life will be much easier. Besides, it's not that bad to root for a losing team. Look at Red Sox fans. For all their complaining, they couldn't be happier being martyrs and constantly whining about the heartache of being a Red Sox fan. Bitching and moaning was their entire reason for being. Then the team won the World Series, and now they don't know what to do. They could barely even work up any outrage over Johnny Damon going to the Yankees. Boston is now just full of zombie sports fans, who won't be satisfied until they have an excuse to hop back on the cross.

So either cheer for the team to do better, or embrace its mediocrity. But forget this protest crap. Or better yet, follow a real sport, like football. The Ravens are doing great this season. Be happy with that.

The axe falls at SNL (part 2)

A month ago, when it broke that there would be several firings at SNL before the new season, I predicted the unlucky cast members would be Horatio Sanz, Chris Parnell, Kristen Wig, and Keenan Thompson.

Turns out I got two out of four. Sanz and Parnell are out, along with Finesse Mitchell. I'm actually going to say two out of three, because the initial story said there would be four people fired. Had I know it would only be three, I would have left Wig off my list.

For the record, I'm kind of glad to see Sanz and Parnell gone. It's not that I don't like them (although the rumors that Sanz was going to take over Weekend Update made me cringe). Parnell, especially, has made me laugh a lot over the years. But SNL isn't something people should stay on for years and years, because familiarity really does start to breed contempt on this show.

I would say seven years is the absolute max, and they've both been on for eight. The only two exceptions to the seven year limit I can think of are Tim Meadows (nine years), who's one of my all time favorites, and Darrell Hammond (ten years and counting), who I'm not wild about, but is needed, as he does something like 75% of the impressions on the show.

And like I said in the previous post, every round of SNL firings has one WTF? choice. I thought it would be Keenan Thompson, but it's Mitchell. I would have actually kept him over Thompson (yes, I do think it probably came down to, "Which black actor do we keep?"), but I can see why the show would stick with the bigger name.

So anyway, the show's unloaded a bit of dead weight. Hopefully it'll help. This probably won't be an easy year for SNL, given the loss of Tina Fey and that it looks like Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip plans on savaging the show on a fairly regular basis.

But it'll endure. If it survived that godawful season with Janeane Garofalo, Chris Elliott, and Michael McKean, it can survive anything.

Damn people are too damn nice

Most people would probably disagree, but I think Americans are actually too polite these days. I suspect that we're so afraid of conflict or even the possibility of offending someone, we've gone too far in the other direction.

I first began to suspect this when I was in college. I was sitting in one of those cramped lecture halls with the stadium-like seating. When I went to uncross my legs, I accidentally kicked the head of the girl sitting in front of me. And I don't mean nudged with my foot, I mean kicked.

I was totally mortified. I had this sudden vision of her shouting something along the lines of, "Hey, what the fuck is wrong with you?!?!" in front of the entire class, leaving me embarrassed and sputtering an apology. Getting over my shock, I was just about to apologize profusely in an attempt to head off an ugly scene, when she turned around and said...

"Sorry."

Sorry? Sorry for what? Sitting there, minding her own business, when I kicked her in the head? Why would on earth would anyone apologize for that? I just mumbled my own apology, and for the next few minutes, tried to figure out what had just happened.

What made me think of this? About an hour ago, I was driving home, and came to a three-way intersection. No traffic light. I was waiting to turn left, when a car came from the right, in order to turn onto the street I was on. Since I had a stop sign, he had the right of way. I watched him approach and start to turn left.


Then he stopped. And waved for me to go ahead and drive on through.

Why? All he had to do was complete the damn turn, which would have literally taken one second. But instead, he decided to be "nice" and signaled for me to go. But even if I wanted to take advantage of his generosity, he was partially pulled out in front of me, so there was no way for me to squeeze between him and the median. Forcing a smile, I shook my head and waved for him to go. And that should have been that.

But instead, he just smiles, and waves at me to go again. Because he thinks he's doing me a huge favor.

Now, it had already been a really long day. And I didn't really have the patience for this shit. So I just gave him my best, "Seriously what the hell is wrong with you?" look. And waved him through again. Only this time, it was more of a violent slashing motion. The smile faded away, he shrugged, as if to say, "Okay, dude. Just trying to be nice," and went on through.

What should have taken three seconds--he turns, then I do--took ten or fifteen. Which doesn't sound like that much, but felt like an eternity. And when it was over, both he and I were pissed off.

(This reminds me of another pet peeve. If you're the lone car on a road, and you see people waiting to cross the street, unless there's a stop sign or they're already starting across, don't stop. In a fraction of the time it will take you to slow down, wave them through, and for them to process that this idiot driver is telling them to go, you can just breeze on through, and they can cross. It's a win/win.)

So seriously, America. Grow a spine. No one's saying you have to be a raging asshole, but if you have the right of way, take it. It doesn't make you a bad person. If someone kicks you in the head, it's okay to be upset.

But stop being so damn nice. It's a real pain in the ass.

Comic book movie casting stuff

Batman on Film is reporting that Liev Schreiber (The Manchurian Candidate) is no longer in the running to play Gotham City D.A. Harvey "Two Face" Dent in The Dark Knight.

Instead, Memento's Guy Pearce (whom some had rumored for the role of Bruce Wayne/Batman before Batman Begins' casting was announced) is said to be in the running. If true, it would be his second film with director Chris Nolan.

Ryan Phillipe was also said to be up for the role. (comicbookmovie.com)

That's an incredible loss. Liev Schreiber would be, hands down, the perfect actor to play Harvey Dent. While the Joker may be the best Batman villain, Two-Face is by far the most psychologically complex. Forget the hammed-up performance Tommy Lee Jones in bad make-up gave in Batman Forever. Seeing Schreiber as Harvey Dent and Two-Face, would have been awesome. (And speaking of Schreiber, whatever happened to the Rainbow Six movie he was supposedly going to do? That last Jack Ryan film was pretty bad, except for the scenes with Schreiber as John Clark.)

Ryan Phillipe? Eh. I think he's a talented actor in his own right, but totally wrong for Two Face. Might not make a bad Riddler, though.

Two more casting thoughts:

1) Like most comic book fans, I'm taking a wait-and-see approach to Heath Ledger as the Joker. In the very least, it's encouraging that he's said that his performance will be based more on comics like "The Killing Joke," as opposed to Nicholson's Joker.

But I'm seeing the previews for All the Kings Men, and I can't help but think that Sean Penn would have been as perfect a Joker as Schreiber would have been a Two-Face. There are a couple of shots where Penn honestly looks like a Brian Bolland drawing come to life (well, you know, except for the lack of white skin and green hair). Nolan supposedly tried to get him, but I guess there was really no chance of that, as Penn is a Serious Actor and undoubtedly feels like these silly little comic book films are beneath him. But it really would have been great.

2) Katharine McPhee is denying rumors that she's going to play Wonder Woman. She says that she's not ready for that kind of high-profile role at this point in her acting career. This makes her smart in my book, although she actually does look the part. She then goes on to say that she's not sure the movie will even actually happen. This makes her even smarter, as far as I'm concerned.

I still don't think it's ever going to get off the ground. And if it does, whoever they cast will likely be a lousy choice (names like Sarah Michelle Gellar, Rachel Bilson, and even 53 year-old Kim Basinger, really don't fill me with confidence.) But I'm willing to be proven wrong.

Dating for DC Dummies

From this week's Date Lab:

Ram: We hugged and exchanged e-mail addresses. I'd give the date a 4. I give 5's to the dates where you wake up the next morning and say, "You want breakfast in bed?"

Wait, so a 4 ends with hugs and an exchange of email addresses, and a 5 ends with sex? Wow. Dude must really love hugs and emailing.

I won't even get into the whole "You want breakfast in bed?" bullshit. Actually, I'm honestly not sure if it's lamer if he's lying about that or telling the truth.

Does Bush play fantasy football? America needs to know.

I can't remember what got me wondering whether or not Bush is into fantasy football, but I'm convinced that he is. He just seems like the type.

First, he's a football fan. Second, he's ultra-competitive. Third, like most fantasy players, he can't play real football. (Unlike most fantasy players, though, this is not due to his lack of physical prowess. I actually tend to think that for a guy his age, he'd be pretty good. But when's he going to get the chance? It's not like there's an intramural league he can join.) Fourth, he's close with Condi, who you know plays fantasy football. I don't care if she denies it. She's too big of a football fan not to play. If not openly, then anonymously in some Yahoo league.

So, yeah, I think he does. Probably in a league made up of people from the administration. I don't think Cheney and Rumsfeld would be into it, but along with Condi, I could see Rove, Gonzales, Chertoff, and Tony Snow joining up. (I also think Snow would be the guy--there's one in every league--who has no idea what he's doing and ends up having a lousy draft and getting absolutely raped on trades throughout the season.)

This raises two questions. First, does Bush have the patience that's required to effectively manage a fantasy team? Does he check the waiver wire religiously and look for information about injuries, roster changes, possible sleeper picks, etc.? Or does he delegate it to his staff?

Second, does he play fairly, or is he a dick just because he's the president? You know, demand they redo the drawing for the draft order until he gets a good position, or offer someone a horrible trade...say, Ron Dayne for Peyton Manning...and include a little note in the email saying, "Just remember, you serve at the pleasure of the president."

If anyone from the White House press corps is reading this, please, I'm begging you, assuming there's no big crisis going on (aside from all the regular ones, I mean), ask Tony Snow whether or not Bush has a fantasy team at the next briefing. I'll bet anything the answer is yes.

Brunell

To paraphrase a political ad that ran in the area prior to last week's primaries, "Mark Brunell: good guy, bad arm."

It's time to stop pretending that this team is capable of winning with Brunell. Period. Look, I like him. He seems like a stand-up guy, and I think his experience is invaluable to this team. But it should be the experience of a back-up quarterback given to the starter, not the guy who goes out there every down and gets sacked repeatedly and can't connect on passes.

I have no idea where this notion Gibbs has about how a veteran QB is necessary to win comes from, but it's time to get over it. Especially since other teams are having a lot of success starting guys with little experience, but a strong arm and a hunger to win. Exactly when will Jason Campbell, "quarterback of the future" as Gibbs often refers to him, be ready? When he's 27? 30? 33, which is how old Brunell was when the Skins signed him?

And speaking of Gibbs, it doesn't look like the multi-pronged approach to coaching is working, either. With Williams calling plays for the defense and Saunders and his fabled "700 page playbook" calling plays for the offense, what exactly is Gibbs responsible for, other than standing on the sidelines looking perturbed? There are some jobs on this planet that simply can't be done by committee. I have to think coaching an NFL team is one of them.

The team is off to a bad start, but they're still only 0-2. They still have all the time in the world to turn this around. But not if they don't actually acknowledge that they have a problem. Specifically, not if they don't actually acknowledge that the problem is the guy throwing the ball.

Comic of the Week: 52 #19

52 #19
"History Repeats" by Geoff Johns, Grant Morrison, Greg Rucka, Mark Waid and Keith Giffen
Published by DC Comics ($2.50)

We're a little over 1/3 of the way through DC's year-long series, and it's more or less become apparent which of its various plotlines are working and which ones aren't. This issue covers the whole spectrum: it features one of the more intriguing plots (the time paradoxes popping up in the DCU), one that's been just okay thus far (Supernova--which isn't any better a name for a superhero than it is for a band), and one that's been dull as dirt (Starfire, Animal Man, and Adam Strange making their way back to Earth).

Synopsis

Skeets enlists Daniel Carter, Booster Gold's ancestor, to break into Rip Hunter's lab, and things don't end well for Daniel. And hey, Skeets is evil. Who knew? Wonder Girl seems convinced that Supernova is Superboy come back to life...for some reason. I don't know why, it's not like there's any shortage of masked flying people in the DCU. And Starfire, Animal Man, and Adam Strange discover that Lobo's found religion. And the Emerald Eye.

Line of the Week:

"I had my very own moment of illumination, my son. There's me! Up ta my nostrils in th' steamin' offal of one more contract hit, thinkin'...'Is this really the best use 'a yer talents as a public speaker, Lobo?' An' Lo! A voice came forth, as if outta th' guts an gizz, sayin' 'Follow the fish,' an' with that...th' Main Man was redeemed!"--Lobo

Overall grade: C

Week two NFL picks

9-7 last week; 9-7 for the year

Houston at Indianapolis: Indianapolis
New Orleans at Green Bay: New Orleans
Cleveland at Cincinnati: Cincinnati
Detroit at Chicago: Detroit
Oakland at Baltimore: Baltimore
Tampa Bay at Atlanta: Atlanta
New York Giants at Philadelphia: New York
Carolina at Minnesota: Minnesota
Buffalo at Miami: Buffalo
Arizona at Seattle: Seattle
St. Louis at San Francisco: St. Louis
Tennessee at San Diego: San Diego
New England at New York Jets: New England
Kansas City at Denver: Denver
Washington at Dallas: Dallas
Pittsburgh at Jacksonville: Pittsburgh

Netflix blues

Netflix probably ranks as one of the greatest ideas in human history. But it doesn't do you much good if you can't find anything on it you want to see. I currently have 112 films in my queue. I was going over the list, looking for stuff to watch this weekend, but I couldn't find one film I was excited about. Not one.

Basically, my queue breaks down like this:

- Recent releases: The thing is, if it's something I really wanted to see, I would have caught it in the theater. And if I didn't bother going, there was probably a reason.

- Low budget horror films: I love horror films. I used to love low budget horror films, back when they tended to be fairly decent. But as it became easier and cheaper to make movies, any idiot with a digital camcorder and a few friends was suddenly able to release a film. And several have. And they almost all suck. I keep waiting for that one diamond in the rough that will make all my suffering worth it, but I haven't yet, and I don't think I will.

- Movies I've been meaning to see for a while: There are dozens of movies I've been meaning to see, either because they've been recommended to me, or so I can keep up my film geek cred. (For someone who likes to pass himself off as a film buff, the number of important films I have yet to see is staggering.) But I just can't work up much enthusiasm for them. Should I watch Sands of Iwo Jima or Mystic River? Yes. Do I want to? Not especially.

- TV shows: I have a few of these in my queue, like The Prisoner, The Greatest American Hero, and Arrested Development. The problem with getting TV shows from Netflix is that you're making a huge time commitment, as there are multiple DVDs to watch. For those of us with short attention spans, that's asking a lot.

Anyway, I ultimately decided to go with One Last Thing, a "bittersweet comedy" about a dying teenager, and Brick, a mystery that actually got a fair amount of buzz last year. Hopefully, one or both will renew my faith in Netflix, but I'm not holding my breath.

Stop Fenty before he destroys America!

So where does Adrian Fenty, the District's new Democratic nominee for mayor (or essentially the mayor-elect) stand on expanded voting rights for the District? In support, of course. According to the AP, Fenty "plans on knocking on every door in Congress and talking to people to get them on our side." (Express)

There are a million reasons why DC will never become a state or get representation in the Senate, but this is really the only reason that matters: people like the number fifty.

Fifty is a good number. People feel comfortable with fifty. Safe. Secure in an otherwise insecure world. For centuries now, American school children have learned that there are fifty states in this great nation. You try and take that away, and there will be consequences. Remember the firestorm of rage and confusion that erupted a couple of weeks ago when someone decided that Pluto wasn't really a planet after all? Multiply that by a billion, and that would be America's collective reaction to adding a state.

Fifty states means one hundred senators. One hundred is another really good number that people seem to enjoy. One hundred and two? No. Not at all.

Guam. Puerto Rico. The Virgin Islands. The Northern Mariana Islands. We've resisted the urge to make any of them states. What makes DC so special? Aside from the fact that it's the epicenter of our government, I mean.

The only way DC could possibly become a state is if America contracted one of the states that we already have. I don't think Virginians would be too pleased at the idea of merging with West Virginia, so perhaps collapse North and South Dakota into simply Dakota. Or maybe sell a state off. After the past six years, can anyone think of a single good reason to keep Florida? Anyone?

But neither of those seems likely to happen. So remember, Mayor-Elect Fenty, fifty. Fifty states. That's what people are comfortable with. You screw that up and I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that you'd be messing with the very fabric of our society, and could well plunge this country into complete and total anarchy. And I'm pretty sure that's not something you campaigned on.

Geekgasm

Collections of Sierra's classic adventure games

When I was a kid, the excitement of a new King's Quest game was pretty much on par with that of a new Madden or GTA. And at only $20 each, it almost feels like stealing. Defintely worth picking up.

Redskins recap

- Where are the apologists now? The ones who said preseason doesn't matter? The ones who said that Al Saunders didn't even open his playbook? The ones who giddily pointed out that the last time the Skins went 0-4 in the preseason, they won the Super Bowl that year?

Kornheiser made a really good point last week. Why bother spending like a drunk sailor when it comes to free agents and assistant coaches, if you're going to stick with Brunell as your quarterback? Look, I like Brunell. The guy's a natural leader and certainly the most charismatic QB the Skins have had since Rypien. But if he can't get the job done, Gibbs needs to be objective about the situation, and treat him the way he did Ramsey last season. Todd Collins isn't the guy, either. Maybe Jason Campbell, but probably not yet. So where does that leave us? I don't know, but I don't see another trip to the playoffs in our future.

God help us if the Packers put Favre up on the trading block. Does anyone think Snyder and Gibbs would have the will power to pass him up?

- Hey, Orioles fans. If you want to do your "O!" chant during the National Anthem at Camden Yards, go crazy. But when you're at FedEx Field watching a real sport, as opposed to the nonsense that is professional baseball, show a little respect. Anyone who shouts "O!" during the anthem at a Redskins (or Nationals, or Wizards, or Caps, etc.) should have beer spilled on them.

- I got a kick out of Jamie Foxx's time in the broadcast booth last night, mainly because he appeared to have forgotten Dan Snyder's name, just referring to him as "the owner." Still, the visit took an uncomfortable turn at a certain point. When you're a guest in the broadcast booth, whether you're a movie star of the NFL commissioner, etiquette dictates that you basically wait for the broadcast team to give you the cue to leave. The problem is, Tirico, Theismann and Kornheiser were so enamoured of his presence, they didn't seem to want him to go. So there'd be long periods of silence, then Foxx would mumble something about the game, and one of the guys would ask a stupid question about one of his movies. This went on for something like ten minutes, which is at least five minutes longer than it should have.

- If I were John Hall, I wouldn't get too comfortable. Whether he deserves it or not, in football, the kicker always makes the best scapegoat.

9/11

Five years, huh? Is it possible for something to feel like it happened almost yesterday, and at the same time, feel like it happened a really long time ago? Already, it's hard to remember a time when we didn't know who Osama bin Laden was. When we weren't forced to contemplate when, not if, the next terrorist attack would take place. When the idea of having to trade our civil liberties for our safety was laughable. I can only imagine how it's going to feel on the ten year anniversary.

But you know what really bugs me about 9/11? I mean, aside from the obvious? It's the wasted potential in regards to what we could have accomplished in its aftermath. Just the sheer amount of wasted potential. Remember this line? "Today we are all Americans." How many world leaders and citizens of other countries said this without any hesitation just five years ago?

We had the entire world feeling sympathetic towards us. As a country, we could have gotten almost anything done in those days. Now? Not so much in either regard.

Like a lot of posts on this blog, I'm going to bring this around to comics.

In the weeks after the attack, a few comic book publishers released benefit books to help raise money for the victims' families. Dozens of the industry's top writers and artists contributed short stories about 9/11. Considering the short time frame they had to work in, it was surprising how really good many of them were.

But one in particular, by Peter Gross and Darick Robertson, stuck with me. I wish I had a scanner, because I'd post it here. But I don't, so I'll just tell you about it, even though I won't be able to do it nearly enough justice.

It takes place in New York in the year 3258. A mother and daughter are visiting a memorial to the victims of 9/11. It features a gigantic statue of the three firemen hoisting the American flag, and all along the walls are the names of the people who died. As they walk through the memorial, the mother explains to her daughter what happened after that day:

"After the attack, the world changed. People realized that the old ways of country against country and culture against culture could no longer apply. They accomplished what governments never could...they united the world. From the ashes of this destruction a new world was forged that led to one great accomplishment after another--and eventually out into the stars."

After taking all of this in, the girl asks her mother, "Mama...who were the bad men? Why did they do it?"

And the mom responds, "I don't know. We don't remember them. We only remember the good that people did afterwards."

In retrospect, that might sound like a silly pipe dream. But at the time, it really gave me hope that there was at least the possibility for something good to come out of the disaster. And at that point, hope was kind of hard to come by.

Fast forward five years.

We have a president who, instead of taking the opportunity to unite the world's nations, informed them that they were either with us or against us.

We have a president who abandoned the real war on terror to go after Iraq for dubious reasons.

We have a president who, by his own admission, isn't interested in catching the man responsible for 9/11.

We have a president who thinks it's okay to lie to the American people if it suits his purposes.

We have a vice-president who openly questions the patriotism of anyone who disagrees with the administration.

We have a secretary of defense who doesn't seem interested in winning the war he helped get us into.

We have a Congress that routinely puts partisan politics over keeping us safe.

We have corporate interests who are raking in money hand over fist, and don't want the good times to end.

We have pundits who see nothing wrong with accusing Democrats of being terrorist sympathizers or demonizing the families of 9/11 victims who speak out against Republicans.

We have soldiers who don't know when--or if--they're coming home.

We have a press that is afraid to ask tough questions.

We have a major American city that remains in shambles, because the government has better things to do than rebuild it.

We have real threats emerging in North Korea and Iran that we're helpless to do anything about, because we're bogged down in Iraq.

We have an increasing number of people in the Middle East who hate America.

We're in greater danger now than we were five years ago.

So much wasted potential.

Comic of the Week: Detective Comics #823

Detective Comics #823
"Stalked" by Paul Dini and Joe Benitez
Published by DC Comics ($2.99)

Whoever follows Dini and Grant Morrison on the Bat-books are going to have big shoes to fill. Dini, especially, has done a great job so far, with his plan of telling single-issue stories that are part of a larger overall arc.

Synopsis:

A giant plant creature invades Arkham Asylum and tries to kill Poison Ivy. Ivy, naturally, is somewhat unnerved by this, as she's supposed to be able to control all plant life. Batman shelters her in the Batcave, and goes looking for answers as to the creature's origin. What he finds manages to turn even his stomach.

Line of the Week:

"Silly Tommy! You have no legs!"--Poison Ivy

Overall grade: B

Someone shut Joe Buck up

Why, Fox? Why?


Of all the people who could have replaced James Brown, Joe Buck was the best available? Seriously?

Aside from his irritating delivery and general lack of a personality, he's a complete mismatch for the type of show Fox puts on. There was a moment during the show where Terry, Howie, and Jimmy were all laughing together about something, and Joe looked like he wished everyone would just shut up and treat football as SERIOUSLY as he does, damn it.

One can only pray that Rupert Murdoch recovers the incriminating photos Buck evidently has of him, so they can kick his ass to the curb and bring in someone better.

Like video games weren't violent enough already

Via press release:

Crave Obtains National Rifle Association License for NRA Gun Club

Crave Entertainment, a leading publisher of console videogames for the casual gamer, in partnership with Highway 1 Productions, today announced that the National Rifle Association has officially endorsed NRA Gun Club, a target shooter for the PlayStation 2 computer entertainment system.
...
Features of NRA Gun Club include:

Over 100 firearms to choose from - current consumer models, LE/military & specialty models
Detailed descriptions for every firearm
Quick Match Mode
Certification Mode
Unlock new guns, environments, and challenges
Choose from over 15 realistic shooting challenges
Head-to-head challenges offer competitive gameplay for 1-8 players
12 unique gameplay settings - from close-range shooting galleries to expansive open terrain for long-range targeting
Focus on firearms and target shooting

If all that doesn't sound impressive enough, in order to ensure the game provides a truly authentic NRA experience, Crave is adding even more features:

- Rhetoric Mode: Smear anyone who backs any sort of gun control, no matter how minimal or sensible, as being soft on crime!

- Lobbyist Mode: Keep politicians in line with PACs, not to mention under-the-table cash payouts, hookers, and cocaine!

- Legislation Mode: Help get laws passed that go against overwhelming public opinion! Intrude in local politics! Make murder legal!

- Wayne LaPierre Mode: Try to sleep at night, as in your darker moments, you wonder how many deaths you're indirectly responsible for!

Plus, rumor has it that hitting Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start, unlocks a special level that allows you to hunt human beings for sport on a game reserve on a secluded private island in the South Pacific. Just like the real NRA does!

All in all, this is clearly going to be the must-have game this holiday season. Get lost, Madden 2007! It's NRA4evr for this gamer!

Week one NFL picks

Miami at Pittsburgh: Miami
Atlanta at Carolina: Carolina
Baltimore at Tampa Bay: Tampa
Buffalo at New England: New England
Cincinnati at Kansas City: Cincinnati
Denver at St. Louis: St. Louis
New Orleans at Cleveland: New Orleans
New York Jets at Tennessee: Tennessee
Philadelphia at Houston: Philadelphia
Seattle at Detroit: Seattle
Chicago at Green Bay: Chicago
Dallas at Jacksonville: Dallas
San Francisco at Arizona: Arizona
Indianapolis at New York Giants: New York
Minnesota at Washington: Washington
San Diego at Oakland: San Diego

Bush appoints Batman as Secretary of Kicking Ass

Last year I had dinner with Frank Miller. It was an interesting experience, and will one day make for a good page or two in my memoirs. Frank was funny, and nice, and vocal about being more hawkish than Donald Rumsfeld.
...
Miller's political views will eventually make a huge splash whenever he finishes his Holy Terror, Batman!, where Batman fights Osama bin Laden...(CHUD)

I'd really been hoping that the rumors of this book coming out were greatly exaggerated, if not a complete hoax.

Frank Miller is one of the real pioneers in the world of comics. For Dark Knight Returns alone, he should be cannonized, never mind, Batman: Year One, Sin City, and Ronin among others. But his current output leaves a lot to be desired. All-Star Batman and Robin is hands down one of the worst comics ever produced, and the Miller-apologists are having to work overtime in order to claim that critics just "don't get it."

But a Batman vs. bin Laden story? Awful idea. Just godawful. (And don't even get me started on the title. If you're going to do something like this, at least give it the gravitas it deserves.) Maybe even worse than the Spider-Man comic that featured Dr. Doom, the Kingpin, and Magneto standing near Ground Zero on 9/11 shocked and even crying. Yes, these guys who had committed mass murder dozens of times beforehand, and were constantly trying to take over the world, were rendered speechless by terrorists flying planes into the World Trade Center. I get what Marvel was trying to do, but it was a low moment in terms of comics.

I really believe comics are a legitimate art form. Even superhero comics. But when they try and blur the line between reality and fantasy to this degree, nothing good is going to come of it. If there weren't a million reasons to catch bin Laden already, this is number 1,000,001: to make this book irrelevant and unnecessary, and give DC an excuse to axe it before it ever comes out.

Barry the Bold

Is there a bigger opportunistic leech in DC than Marion Barry?

Well...no, obviously not. But this is pretty cheap, even by Barry standards. Waiting until a week before the primary to give an endorsement to the guy who's leading by a huge margin? Way to go out on a limb there, Mayor for Life.

Of course, this news surprised and horrified the Fenty camp, who were undoubtedly starting to think they'd dodged that particular bullet. Kind of like how when you throw a party, and hope the really annoying guy from the office doesn't find out about it. But no. Barry was clearly just biding his time until the clear front runner emerged. If this was a really close race, he likely would have waited until after the winner was declared to deliver his endorsement. Now, Fenty might pick up a few extra Ward 8 votes, but everyone else will be left wondering just what the hell is wrong with him if Barry digs him.

Unfortunately, there's no way to refuse an endorsement from someone you have to work with. So Fenty will have to just grin and bear it and act like he's pleased by all this. Meanwhile, Linda Cropp gets more fodder for her floundering campaign, and Barry will get to pretend that he's a kingmaker when Fenty wins.

Why do I suspect that if Rasheeda "Bitch set me up" Moore were running for mayor and was way ahead a week before the election, he'd have endorsed her, too?

Dating for DC Dummies

I've recently gotten hooked on the Washington Post Magazine's new feature, Date Lab, where two strangers who ostensibly have stuff in common are sent out for a nice meal and interviewed about it afterwards. It's like one of those stupid dating shows, except you only have to commit about a minute to enjoying it, instead of a half-hour. Plus, it's in the Post, not on UPN at 2 AM, so you don't feel nearly as trashy afterwards.

I've never really bought into the whole "dating in DC is hard" myth. Mainly because everyone says dating is hard where they live. Have you ever heard someone say, "Dating? In this city? Hell, yeah, it's easy!" No, of course not. The only exception might be one of those Alaskan towns where it's like a 20:1 male-to-female ratio, but I'll bet even those women find stuff to complain about.

So basically, it comes down to this: A) Dating is hard everywhere, B) Single people just like to whine, or C) All of the above. (I lean towards C.)

Anyway, the column's success rate has been somewhat low, but most of the people so far have seemed decent enough, and handle their incompatibility with their blind date with class. Until this week's installment. Wow, what a train wreck. Both these people need to get out more so they don't act like losers on their next date.

Jesse: Don't bring up My Space. Don't be mean to the waitress. Don't order dessert while your date is still eating her dinner.

Soko: Don't be proud of the fact that you're shallow (especially when...how can I put this delicately...you ain't all that). Don't fish for compliments. Don't keep checking your cell phone.

All in all, I'm going to declare Soko the greater of two evils. I can see why she's never had a relationship. And is there anything more annoying than being out with someone (on a date or otherwise) and their constantly pulling out their cell phone? This is probably a bad habit worldwide these days, but DC residents especially seem addicted to their toys. Unless you're expecting an important call or email, and have communicated this to the person you're with in advance, just turn the damn thing off. No, don't even check to see who's calling. It's not that important. You're not that important.

If dating in DC is hard, it's because people have the attention span of chimps. That cell phone won't keep you warm at night, people.

Well, okay...maybe on vibrate.

Fantasy football snobbery

To be honest, I'm not sure I even like fantasy football anymore. It's out of control. The game has become a national scourge, an insidious, infiltrating force - like American Idol, blogs and credit card offers. (Buffalo News)

Horseshit. Fantasy football is the greatest innovation in the history of America, and I'll kill anyone who says otherwise.

Okay, that was a bit much. But this column by Jerry Sullivan really annoyed me. It reminds me of an article I read a few years ago when iPods were becoming really popular. One would-be hipster who'd gotten a first-gen iPod, commented that he didn't like how iPods had become so commonplace, because he no longer felt special when he'd go out wearing his white headphones in public.

Anyone who complains about the spread of fantasy football into the mainstream, needs to step back and remember that just a few years ago FF players were basically just lumped in with Dungeons and Dragons nerds. In Committed, Mark St. Amant relates the story of a particularly brutal hatchet job Inside the NFL did on fantasy football, painting FF participants as socially-awkward losers. Now? Almost everyone has a fantasy team. Do you think a story like that would fly today?

Yeah, maybe FF has spread a bit too far, too fast. And predictably, the marketplace has stepped up to take full advantage of that. But in the end, it shouldn't matter if there are a thousand people playing it or a million. It shouldn't matter if there are a handful of FF magazines or dozens. If you enjoy playing the game, just shut up and play. After all, with it so popular these days, it's not like you'll be missed if you decide not to.

Stalking Mary Worth

I read a lot of crap when I was a kid. A lot of crap. Comic books by talentless fanboy hacks, novels that were so bad, their authors should be forced to replant the trees that died to print their books, and magazines like Wizard or Entertainment Weekly, that had absolutely no redeeming social value whatsoever.

But none of those things made me feel as ashamed as I felt while reading Mary Worth every day in the Post.

I'm not sure what drew me to the strip. I'd always hated serialized comic strips like Judge Parker or Apartment 3-G. I especially hated the so-called "adventure" strips, like Mark Trail, The Amazing Spider-Man and Prince Valiant. Adventure, my ass. Have you ever once gotten anything even resembling a thrill while reading one of these things?

But there was something about Mary Worth that I found oddly appealing. I still remember the strip that drew me in: some girl who'd just graduated from college moved into Mary's building and was looking for a job with a big company. When Mary started talking to her about working her way to the top, the girl snorted and informed Mary that entry level was for suckers. She knew everything, and would settle for nothing less than an executive position. Then Mary said, "Oh, dear," (as she's often wont to do) and thus kicked off several weeks' worth of strips, as the girl was gradually humbled by the realities of the working world.

In any case, I was hooked, in spite of how bad it was (and is). Obviously, teenage boys weren't supposed to read Mary Worth, so it stayed my secret shame for a number of years, until I eventually stopped reading when I lost interest in comic strips altogether. (Though, thanks to a creative renaissance in the form of strips like Liberty Meadows, The Boondocks, and Get Fuzzy, I'm now reading them again.)

Today, for some reason, I was feeling nostalgic, and I read Mary Worth. And guess what? Mary Worth has a stalker.

I don't know if this is a bid for social relevance or what, but I don't approve. Mary Worth shouldn't have a stalker. Having one makes her human, and Mary Worth shouldn't be human. She should be above such petty concerns like this, and concentrate on being the almost omnipotent busybody I remember from my childhood.

Plus, it's Mary Worth. She's like America's grandmother. (Well, at least the small portion of America that reads her strip.) Seeing her in a situation that emphasizes her as a sexually desirable woman is just...gross.

Fortunately, it looks like in today's strip, Mary's stalker is about to get his comeuppance. So hopefully, this storyline is almost done, and we can get back to fun stuff, like Mary lecturing a recent college grad on the importance of a good work-ethic or repairing the rift between a father and his snot-nosed daughter, or advising a friend to commit suicide. That's the Mary Worth that America wants.

Mary? Any thoughts on all this stalker nonsense?

Well said, Mary. Well said.

Gene Wang is my co-pilot

Last year, the Washington Post launched both a fantasy football column and weekly chat on washingtonpost.com. This sort of took me by surprise, as it seemed like a very un-Washington Post-like thing to do. After all, Michael Wilbon, the de facto face of the Post's sports section, would happily run down every single fantasy player in the country with his car, given the opportunity. But in the hands of fantasy guru Gene Wang, it was a big success. I didn't always agree with his opinions, but it's hard to argue with the fact that he won his league.

Anyway, yesterday heralded the return of both the column and Wang's weekly chat. I really enjoy them both, but the chat is especially fun. Last year, there were a few too many questions of the "Gene, I need help!!! I have Shaun Alexander, Larry Johnson, and LT. Which two should I start?!?!" variety for my liking, but all in all, they were informative, entertaining, and a really good way to kill two hours that would otherwise be wasted on work.

Yesterday's chat yielded this gem, which brought me some degree of comfort, as I've taken Reggie Bush really early on in two of my leagues so far, and have been suffering a bit of buyer's remorse:

Gene Wang: I hope you read my rookie draft class analysis in April. I wrote back then that Reggie Bush deserves first-round consideration. I also picked Deuce McAllister as one of my RB busts this season precisely because I think Bush will be fantastic.

From Gene's keyboard, to God's ears.

One small complaint. USA Today hosts two FF chats a week, compared to the Post's one. Come on, Washington Post. Don't let USA Today punk you guys out like that. (Granted, the Post's chat is two hours long, compared to USA Today's, which are only one hour each, but still. I don't think four hours of FF programming a week is too much. Damn it, we need a Monday or Tuesday fantasy post mortem to go along with the Thursday chat.)

How about it, Gene? Ready to step it up this year?